Chapter 25: Guilt
People change.
Be it by choice, or as a by-product of one's personal experiences, for better… or for worse, we as humans are constantly changing.
Sometimes in life, you'll face obstacles that cause you to stumble and fall over. Everyone is capable of getting back up. But… not everyone will be able to progress forward afterward. Some will stay stagnant, and unmoving as they don't have the courage to continue on. Scared to try again after they've repeatedly failed. Those people are what I'd call "human". However, there's another type of person that cowers in the face of adversity. The ones that throw in the towel after stumbling and falling over once. The ones that give up before they can even say they've really tried. The ones that stand back up, but choose to not to face forward. Opting to take the easy way out by simply accepting things for what they are—regardless of the circumstances. Those people are what I'd call lowly cowards. As if to insult the people that desperately struggle on as they continue to move forward through hardships. As if to spit in the face of those who remain immutable, despite their desire to change. They take the easiest possible path and allow themselves to regress to what's most comfortable. They're the absolute worst. And me… I'm the biggest culprit of that way of life.
Akira Fuyuki is the epitome of cowardice.
Dreading the deathly combination of the beaming morning sunlight alongside the loud chirping cicadas, I slowly opened my eyes, letting out a sullen groan. "Mmm…"
However, to my surprise, upon opening my eyes, I found myself in a dark space brimming with a deafening silence.
My mood quickly began to sour as I looked around. Don't tell me I'm… I clicked my tongue, irritated. "Here again huh…"
It seems that I've once again been brought to this place against my will. A place that I've unfortunately grown very familiar with over the past few weeks.
This empty world, devoid of any color, engulfed by an eerie silence, and filled to the brim with a chilling atmosphere, is the last place I want to be right now. Scratch that. It's the last place I want to be, period. With nothing but unpleasantries to offer, I have not a single good memory of being in this place. Truly, I despise this hellish world.
I stood up, dusting myself off as I began observing my surroundings. "I guess he's not here…" Neither the bright figure nor the gloomy one was anywhere to be found.
As far as the eye can see, the surrounding darkness seemingly stretched out for what I can only assume to be an endless distance. I'd imagine this is what the Hyperbolic Time Chamber would look like if you put it into dark mode.
In this world the concept of direction is laughable. You'd be hard-pressed to understand up from down, let alone left from right. Without some kind of object or landmark to refer to, in this desolate area, you might as well just be walking around aimlessly.
A sigh escaped my lips as I rubbed the bridge of my nose, contemplating what I should do next.
"Wait…isn't that…?" I murmured, narrowing my eyes.
Directly in front of me; about 10 meters away, I noticed two familiar items. A pristine white table and an hourglass filled up about one-fourth of the way.
Let me guess, this is the part where you show up isn't it… I thought. I slowly turned around, fully expecting to see the culmination of negative feelings that is 'that' figure.
At least—
"…Guess it really isn't here."
—that's what I thought would happen. But when I turned around there was no figure behind me. "Hold on…isn't that…" Instead, although it was a good distance away; unless I was going crazy, which certainly was a possibility, there was a door up ahead.
I took a single step toward the door before stopping. Only turning my head, my gaze had once again landed on the hourglass.
A feeling of consternation momentarily overwhelmed me. I could still vividly remember each and every god-awful experience as they sequentially flashed through my mind. A cold chill ran down my spine as I recalled the scene of me falling to my demise whilst choking on my own blood. I shivered at the thought of something like that happening again.
I don't know what's up with that hourglass, but there's one thing I'm certain of… I want nothing to do with it.
"I'll take my chances with the door," I declared as I turned my head away and started walking towards the door, leaving behind the ticking time bomb.
As the door started to come within reach I began to feel nauseous. The closer I got, the stronger the discomfort in my stomach became. The door was only around 20 meters away at this point. It should've only taken me around 30 seconds tops to reach the door, and yet, every step forward required a strenuous amount of effort. It was almost as if I were being rejected by the very path itself.
I can't turn back at this point. Gritting my teeth, I braced myself as I continued onward toward the destination.
Not long after, a voice began ceaselessly ringing in my head. "It's too late." the voice whispered. "Shut up," I spat, slightly agitated, probably because of my nausea. The voice got louder as it continued, "It's too late. It's too late." This time I chose to ignore the devilish voice in the back of my mind and simply pressed forward.
Like a moth to a flame, I had been drawn to this door without even knowing why. I wasn't quite sure how, but I knew that behind that door I would find what I had been searching for. The place I wanted to go, the figure I had been chasing, the kind of person I wanted to be… If I could just make it beyond that point, I would have the answer to everything.
I know that it's a baseless assumption, and it may sound like something I pulled out of my arse. But even so, I had no doubt in my mind that it was true.
By the time I had finally reached the door, I was practically on my hands and knees. I felt like I was going to pass out any second from the ceaseless pressure and ensuing nausea.
The voice had become so loud that my own thoughts sounded like whispering background noise. As the voice continuously rang in my ears, "IT'S TOO LATE" I forced myself to stand up. My body was numb, and my breathes ragged, but nonetheless, I reached out toward what I was hoping to be my salvation.
The moment I grabbed onto the doorknob the blaring voice ceased and in that same instance another voice spoke, "You failed."
"Who!?" I asked, quickly turning around. There stood the dark figure, exuding a plethora of negative emotions. Just looking at it caused my blood to boil. This figure made me feel sicker than any nausea possibly ever could.
"…" I glared at the figure, my hand unyielding from the doorknob. As I gazed into its lifeless eyes, shrouded in darkness, I silently vowed to myself that I'd never become someone like that. Someone harboring so much regret. Someone that felt so much sorrow. Someone like that… I'd rather die than wind up like this… thing.
"What the hell do you want…" I cursed at the unmoving figure. "Don't get it my way again."
Suddenly, a cracking sound reverberated through the air. It came from the figure. A small, white crack had formed on the figure's face. "…what was that?" I asked, wary.
With what almost looked like a wry smile, the figure opened its mouth and spoke, "Time's running out…"
"Wha—"
Before I even had the chance to finish my sentence, a bright light flashed white, rendering my vision useless. I began losing my sense of self and my body started to feel like it was sinking. "Ah. I must be waking up," I thought.
A wave of regret washed over me. I cursed myself for not making it past that door. "I'll definitely make it there next time."
Even if the world itself tries to reject me. Even if I have to spill every last drop of blood in my body. Even if what's beyond that point isn't at all what I had hoped it to be. I will make it there for sure. I assured myself over and over as I closed my eyes, lamenting the appalling sunlight that would beam on me when I opened them again.
******
When I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but endless darkness. My eyes were definitely open and yet I couldn't see anything, not even my own hands in front of me.
I felt myself beginning to panic. "What's going on!? Why can't I see anything!?"
"No…. No…. Don't tell me… No way…. Did I… lose my vision…?" My heart sank and despair began to engulf my very being as I assumed the worst possible outcome.
Desperate to deny the apparent reality laid in front of me, I stood up and began to walk around incoherently. My mind was a jumbled mess and I was unable to think straight.
And so, not knowing how to express the plethora of emotions welling inside of me, I started yelling at the top of my lungs.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"
I yelled the same word over and over again until my voice became so hoarse that I started violently coughing as a result.
Soon my desperate denial turned into a fit of unfathomable anger.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! WHY DO I HAVE TO LOSE MY SIGHT?! WHAT DID EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS HUH? IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DON'T YOU TRY LOSING YOUR SIGHT AND SEE HOW IT FEELS BEFORE TAKING AWAY MINE YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I don't… I don't want to be blind… ARGGHHHH, GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK…! GIVE ME MY SIGHT BACK RIGHT NOW!
I continued to angrily rant without a single pause until I no longer could. My throat had become numb and my leg started to hurt as a result of my continuously stomping the ground in frustration.
I didn't know how long I had been at it, but numerous beads of sweat had begun trickling down my face. I was exhausted, and before the sweat could reach the floor, I collapsed. Tears began to form in my eyes and with nothing left to do, I moved on to the next stage and started pleading with an illusionary entity.
"Please… I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life," I cried out, choking back my sniffles.
I knew how pathetic I sounded, but I continued anyway. "Please… I'll do anything… Just tell me what you want. What is it you want me to do? Say something… Hey… Hurry up and tell me what you want from me… Didn't you hear me? I said I'll do anything! Why… Why are you doing this to me?! Please tell me… What in my 16 years on this planet have I done to deserve this? Tell me! …Haven't I suffered enough already…?"
There was no response following my outburst. Of course, there wasn't. It was only silence. A silence that dared to push me past the brink of my sanity.
Dejectedly slumping my shoulders, I covered my face with my hands. "Why… Why me…"
Just as I was about to lose all hope, a dim light flickered on. "…A…light?" Although it was barely bright enough to cover the area I was sitting in, the dim light illuminated the entirety of my despairing heart.
"I can see!" I cheered. I let out a huge sigh of relief, knowing my eyesight was still intact.
But—
"I got scared for nothing, haha…ha…ha…"
A strange feeling began to envelop my leg. The bottom of my pants was soaked. What the hell is this? I reached onto the floor with both hands. My hands felt…warm.
—what I saw next made me wish I'd stayed blinded.
Ba-bump Ba-bump
My heartbeat began to quicken. Calm down, Akira…
But I couldn't calm down. My body started to involuntarily tremble as the feeling of anxiety began to flare up inside of me at an alarming rate.
I slowly raised my hands, desperately trying to keep what little composure I had left. Just as my hands were about to come into the light's illumination…
(Flick)
The light flickered off.
Holding my hands in front of me, I patiently sat there waiting for the light to turn back on.
One second.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
Four seconds.
Five seconds pass and then…
(Flick)
The light flickered.
As my hands came into vision, my mind froze and my body began to once again tremble. I wasn't trembling because I was nervous anymore. No. I was trembling now because I was afraid.
Blood.
A bloodied message had been boldly curved into both of my hands. The message was simple. It read, "YOU FAILED".
"What the—" I muttered, petrified.
(Drip Drip)
The sound of liquid dripping onto the floor snapped me out of my trance. "Ouch!" I felt a sharp, stinging pain coming from both of my arms. I lifted my sleeves to find the source of the pain, and as if right on cue, the moment I brought my arms into the light—
(Flick)
—the light flickered off.
Ba-bump Ba-bump
My heart was racing a mile a minute. I could feel my arms shaking as I sat down unable to do anything, but fearfully anticipate what I would see once the lights turned back on.
What kind of sick game is this… I felt a nervous drip of sweat creep down my face.
Falling… Falling… Falling… Falling… Falling… Falling…Falling… Falling… Falling… Falling... Falling… Falling…
(Drip)
The sweat drop hit the ground and at that exact moment—
(Flick)
—the light flickered back on.
"__!"
"BLARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!" An intense feeling of nausea instantaneously rushed up, and I violently vomited out what felt like all the gastric juices I had in my body.
On every inch of my arm, the exact same message had been bloodily curved in, "YOU FAILED".
"Hah…hah…" After I'd thrown up everything in my stomach and then some, I quickly rolled my sleeves back down and stood up. As I did—
(Flick)
—the light flickered off.
Fear began to consume me as I stood there helplessly.
How much time had passed? Five seconds? Ten? Maybe thirty? I don't know. In reality, I'm sure it hasn't even been a minute yet, at least I don't think it has. I really can't tell anymore... All I know is that every passing second waiting for the light to flicker back on got increasingly longer without fail. It may have been less than thirty seconds but to me… At this moment… Those thirty seconds of hell felt like an eternity.
"Hah…hah…hah…hah…"My breathing began to rapidly increase, and before I realized it, I was hyperventilating. I grabbed onto my chest trying to calm myself down, but it was to no avail. Because right now… I was deathly afraid. Why? What am I so afraid of?
"Why didn't you save me?" Suddenly a voice called out to me. The voice sounded so distinctly familiar that I started to doubt my own ears.
I opened my still trembling mouth and called back to the familiar voice. "K-Ko…tori? I-Is that you?"
(Flick)
The light flickered back on.
This time the light is bright enough to illuminate the entire room. My vision had returned in its totality, but there was no sign of Kotori.
I hastily turned around to scan the room in search of her. The moment I did, both my body and my mind froze stiff.
YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED
YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED
YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED YOU FAILED
As if to engrave that message into my very soul… As if to ensure that I didn't forget it for as long as I lived… Up. Down. Left. Right.
In every conceivable direction… Every possible corner… Where there is space, there is writing. And that writing consists of only those two accursed words. "You failed."
Written in a shade of crimson red— The same color as the blood covering my hands right now. The entire room is filled with only those words. No matter where I turned, no matter where I looked, the message was there. The two words started to spiral around repeatedly in my head, consuming me and leaving me in a state of absolute terror.
"…"
The words won't come out. I can't speak.
"…"
My body won't listen to me. I can't move.
Unable to move a single muscle. Unable to utter a single word. Unable to even feel anything. All I could do was stand there as fear seized my heart, practically turning me into a statue.
"Why didn't you save me, Fuyuki-kun?" The voice called out to me from behind. "Why didn't you keep your promise?"
She's right there behind me.
"Why did you leave me all alone?"
And yet…
"I thought you understood my pain."
I can't bring myself to turn around and look her in the eyes.
I felt an immense pang of guilt slam into my chest like a sledgehammer. It was so overwhelming I couldn't even bear to hear her voice anymore.
"Hey, Fuyuki-kun…"
Her voice was close enough for me to feel the warmth of her breath against my neck. As her presence encroached, she whispered something into my ear…
(Flick)
The light flickered off.
"You failed."
(SLICE)
Her words cut into my heart like a blade and before I knew it, my arms had flown off.
"__!" An intense pain ensues from where my arms used to be as blood trickles down both sides of my body.
IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS.
IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS.
IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS.
IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS.
IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS.
It was almost as if the pain her words inflicted on my conscience had been reflected onto my body. It was. nothing short of excruciating, but I didn't make a sound. I curled my toes and bit down on my lip as hard as I could to tolerate the agony.
(Flick)
The light flickered on.
Kotori walked to my side and started tracing her finger over my open wound before ruthlessly jamming her finger inside.
"!!!"
Blood slowly oozes out of my mouth. To tolerate the pain, I had bitten a gash into my lower lip. I wanted to scream out in agony, but I desperately held my tongue. I would not utter so much as a single sound. I didn't have the right to…
The red-haired girl's face twists into a deep scowl and she opens her mouth; not hesitating in the slightest to cut me down again, "You couldn't change back then…"
(Flick)
The light flickered off
(SLICE)
Blood spurted out, presumably painting the wall and ground in a deep shade of crimson red. The very next moment, my face slammed into the ground, sending a throbbing pain into my forehead and nose.
I quickly tried to stand back up, but my body didn't listen to me. I continued to try and stand up over and over again, completely ignoring the fact that I could no longer feel anything below my waist.
(Flick)
The light flickered on.
My vision returned, only for the realization that my legs had been sliced off to be cruelly shoved down my throat. I couldn't describe the following pain that I felt even if I wanted to. It was enough to make me seriously consider biting off my tongue, in hopes to end my suffering, even if only a moment sooner.
Gazing upon my dismembered body with a look of satisfaction, the red-haired girl kneeled down and cupped her hand over her mouth as she leaned in close to me and whispered her final words…
(Flick)
The light flickered off and a voice filled with condemnation echoed throughout the darkness.
"And you can't change now."
(SLICE)
"I'm sorry." Those were the final words I muttered before my heart broke and my head got decapitated in turn. As my life began to slip away, I closed my eyes and prayed. Prayed that when I opened them again, I would be engulfed by the bright morning sunlight and that this insurmountable guilt I felt would all be washed away.