15. Show must go on - Part II
Wow, thank God I divided the chapter in two. Can you imagine a 20K words chapter? Even I am not so evil.
This chapter has a lot of sentimentalism. I just know one way to avoid cheap sentimentalism: to replace a cliche image with a more impactful one. I used many cliches in this chapter so the strong images I added could have a bigger impression. If you happen to know any other literary resource or strategy, please let me know. And just to keep you from doing extra work: I know the "show, don't tell" rule. I have a slightly different opinion than most, though. I believe that one should choose between "showing" and "telling" depending on the rhythm and the message you want to convey. Anyway, I invite you to criticize me and help me improve.
I'd like to thank all of you, kind readers, specially endeavor-NeverEnding for giving me English grammar tips, and also those who left their reviews:
Exotos135 (thank you, and sorry for the insanely long chapters... I guess I like to write, hahaha), Omega Ultra, YamiKonamiSalamiNation (I'll never give up!), littlealexmartinez61910 (yeah, it doesn't really work to use Google Translate, unfortunately :c ), Gumball2, celrock, D-Structs, LoudSin (Oh, I remember that scene from DoFP, excellent), MikeTheHuman113 (why thank you :D I'll be waiting to read that review), ExMarkSpot, Guest #1 (I don't believe it's the best; I just try to do MY best), Chasethegermanshepard (nice song, I didn't know it before!), erica-phoenix16 (thank YOU for reading!), tzening, Codymitchell1, STR2D3PO, Silvahbittah01, ElectricLoud, d-felipe76 (Nope, he hasn't kissed her since chapter... 9, I think it was?), Lovepatrolalpha1344 (House is a total dick, he's always making fun of everything and everyone. The Mormons joke was an innocent joke that was completely in character with how House is), Harmony Avery, BoukenDutch (as I said, I was joking about hating the act of translating; what I hate is that I'm so slow at it, hahaha), Insane Master Writer Studio (Thank you for the rate :D haha), Smeckle (Damn, it was a lot to marathone hahaha), ImpossibleJedi4, borderlandsman, The Critik, I M Rally, Thunderstrike16, Jazz (yeah, that little baby knows her stuff, hahaha), kadienewberg (Yes, I'll show Pop Pop), Secret life of writing (You are really good at guessing, hahaha), Guest #2 (Not yet), Grim-XIII, TexasGunKing, Mini-Crushies, Emma (Happy Birthday! Sorry for the 4 days delay), Godzilla2915 (don't worry, the story's about Lincoln and his family dealing with his loss. It won't be going too far from there), RedPandaGaming, RedPanda115 (You mean the JumpJump comic? Of course! I admire JJ), weirdgirl332 (I accept your thanks, but I'll have to refuse your curses D: hahaha), Hatoralo, Luna's 1 Fan, endeavor-NeverEnding, Guest #3, Guest #4 (OMG, WHY IS IT JUST NOW THAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS SONG?! WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!), Chuglife, jack-leighton-712, yupsies (wow, I don't really know what to say, hahaha Thank you comes up short), Samtastic 3-0, animefan1009, TerraZeal (glad to hear not everyone hated it, hahaha), Angel Star Ninja and HftLover.
DISCLAIMER: The Loud House y sus personajes no me pertenecen. Son propiedades de sus respectivos dueños, y cualquier uso que se les de aquí no busca remuneración alguna. Esta historia está escrita con fines lúdicos.
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Chapter 15:Show must go on - Part II
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Sing with me, sing for the yearSing for the laughter, and sing for the tearSing with me, just for todayMaybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away...—Aerosmith, Dream On.
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Luna had woke up to go to the bathroom. She didn't check her alarm clock, but it was probably late in the night, probably even the early morning. After washing her hands and drying them off, she went into the hall once again. Her hand was closing over her bedroom's doorknob when she noticed something on the corner of her eye. Tiredly, she looked at her right. Light was coming from under Lincoln's bedroom door.
Luna suddenly lost all her sleepiness. What was Lincoln doing awake? He should be sleeping. Resolved, and with her big sister's instincts kicked on, she walked down the hall. She stopped next to what up until just a month ago was the linen closet, and softly knocked on the door.
"Linky? Are you awake?" She whispered.
She heard a little turmoil, and a second later the door was opened wide. Going from nearly total darkness to receive the lamp light made her close her eyes, so she only felt those little fingers closing around her wrist and dragging her inside. When she finally opened his eyes, she saw that Lincoln was standing next to her, wearing his little orange pajama and hugging Bun-Bun tight. But she also immediately noticed a funny smell in the room, and then she saw that his pants had a wet stain on the front, going down his legs. The most important thing, however, was the fact that he was silently crying.
"Lincoln" she said, kneeling in front of him, "what happened?"
"I woke up, Luna" he said, taking a step forward and resting his forehead against hers. "I wanted to go to the bathroom, but the lights are off, and I was scared. And Lynn's not here to go with me… And… And I… I couldn't held it anymore."
He started to sob again. Luna understood. Lincoln and Lynn were roommates up until recently. When Lucy was born, a month ago, his parents had rearranged the room distribution. The four older girls would keep having a room for each one of them, and they decided that Lynn would pair up with little Lucy to keep an eye on her. And his father had also decided to convert the linen closet in Lincoln's own room. So Lincoln was a three years old kid, still learning to sleep alone in his own room. He didn't have his older sister with him to help him with his problems, to make him feel safe and secure. There was no one to walk him to the bathroom. He could've made some noise, yell until someone came to see what he wanted. Luna knew that neither she or one of her sisters would've been mad at Lincoln if he woke them up to help him. But he was such a good boy…
He was still crying, and his tears were wetting the upper part of his pajama. Luna knew that she needed to make him feel better. Lincoln would always calm down when she sang to him, and she loved singing. So she quickly decided to hug him and started to softly start singing one of his favorite movie's songs.
"Come stop your crying, it'll be alright. Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here, don't you cry."
He didn't immediately stop crying, but he looked up and stared right into Luna's eye. She kept singing Tarzan's song, smiling at him and gently wiping away his tears. Then she took him in her arms and sat him on her lap, practically cradling him, not worrying that the wetness on his pajama was soaking her own clothes. She sang the whole song from start to finish, and by the time she was done, Lincoln was hugging her back, with his eyes closed and a little smile on his face.
"Linky, let's go to the bathroom to wash you up and give you some new clothes, alright?" Said the seven years old girl, almost in a whisper. He nodded.
Luna grabbed another pajama from Lincoln's wardrobe and guided him by the hand to the bathroom. Once they were there, she set up the shower, undressed Lincoln and carefully bathed him. She then helped him dry off with a towel, dressed him up one more time, and then she threw the wet pajama with all the other dirty laundry, so no one would know what had happened. It wasn't like they would make fun of him, but apparently, the idea of just Luna knowing about it seemed to ease the little boy.
When they finally left the bathroom, Lincoln couldn't stop thanking Luna, telling her that she was the best sister in the world and that he loved her very, very, very, very, very much. That he loved her to infinity and beyond. Hearing him say all those things were making her happy in a way words could never describe. And it was all just because she had waken up in the middle of the night, and also thanks to the soundtrack of a great movie.
God bless you, Phil Collins.
"Lincoln" she called him, stopping next to her door.
He, whom was still looking for new ways to express just how much he loved her, stopped too, and looked at her with a smile.
"Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?"
His eyes glowed so much that even in the dark hall she was able to see them.
"Can I use the music cushion?" He excitedly asked.
"Of course you can."
He was about to let a scream of excitement, but Luna managed to stop him before he woke the whole house up. They went inside the girl's bedroom and laid on her bed. She had her own pillow, and there were a lot of different shaped cushions. Lincoln loved the one that was shaped as a G-clef. They laid down next to each other and closed their eyes.
"Luna?" He asked in a whisper seconds later.
"Yeah?"
"Can you sing me that lullaby?"
She smiled. "That lullaby". She was pretty sure that that song hadn't been written as a lullaby. It was definitely a beautiful ballad, for a well known rock band, or something like that. But its tranquil rhythm always relaxed Lincoln, and Luna usually sang it to him near his nap time. So far, it had never failed to make him sleep peacefully.
She gladly snuggled against him, and softly played with the locks of white hair falling on his face as she started to sing.
I could stay awake just to hear you breathingWatch you smile while you are sleepingWhile you're far away dreamingI could spend my life in this sweet surrenderI could stay lost in this moment foreverEvery moment spent with youIs a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyesI don't wanna fall asleep'Cause I'd miss you, babeAnd I don't wanna miss a thing'Cause even when I dream of youThe sweetest dream will never doI'd still miss you, babeAnd I don't wanna miss a thing
When soft and tender snores started to escape from Lincoln's tiny, open mouth, Luna covered him again with her blanket. She kissed his forehead and slept tight next to him, holding him close against her with an arm. Soon, her breathing matched his, and united in a love embrace, they both had sweet dreams for the rest of the night.
"Lincoln, I swear, it wasn't my intention to say all those things."
"Don't worry, I know."
"I don't know what came over me. She… She was yelling at me, and I was so worried" she told him. "I should've shut my mouth. I should've waited for her to calm down before talking with her."
"Lori" he said, extending his arm to caress his sister's shoulder, "you were worried about her, and you did what you thought you needed to do. What happened next is not your fault."
"I wanted to apologize to her, but Lynn told me that Luan had locked them both in their room. I don't know what they're doing there..."
They drove several more blocks before Lincoln said something, just when the van was stopping in a red light.
"It's gonna be alright" he softly said, almost in a whisper. "I'll make sure of it."
Lori turned to see him. If it weren't because the traffic light changed to green and there were some cars behind her, she would've stayed there, just staring at him for a long time. Lincoln slightly smiled. It was obvious how hurt Lori was right then. For everything. For him, for Luna, for feeling like she couldn't keep the house under control anymore. For seeing how everything and everyone around her seemed to be falling apart. And yet, she was still trying to stay strong. She kept being there for all her siblings, trying to take care of them, trying to keep up with her role as the eldest sister. It wasn't easy, but she kept trying it, and Lincoln admired her because of that.
"So" said Lori, trying to break the silence that had appeared, "you have a plan to make her feel better, don't you? Is that why you asked me to give you a ride here?"
"I've got a plan, yeah" answered Lincoln, nervously placing a hand on his nape. "I don't know if it'll make her feel better… But I gotta try."
"That will be enough" she assured him, and Lincoln smiled.
They finally arrived to his destiny. It was lucky that Lori had been busy —although Lincoln had the impression that no commitment would've been enough to keep her from answering his call—, not only because she could give him a ride on Vanzilla, but also because he actually didn't know the address. He had only two options: to ask Luna about it, which would've ruined any attempt at surprising her later, or simply call Lori.
He was really grateful. That's why, as soon as he took his seat-belt off, he moved in the front row of seats until he was right next to her, and he hugged her. Lori was taken by surprise, and she needed a few seconds to react, but when she finally did it, she embraced her little brother too, letting her head rest atop his.
"Thank you, Lori."
"You're welcome, Linky."
"Can I ask you another favor?" He said, barely moving away from her. "If it's not too much to ask?"
"Whatever you want, Lincoln. Whatever you need, whenever you need it" she said with glistering eyes.
"It's about Lucy."
"What about her?"
"She's getting suspicious" Lincoln explained. "She knows something's odd."
"And what do you want me to do?" She asked.
"Just… Make sure she's okay. Usually everyone ignores her, and while she enjoys being alone, every once in a while she needs someone to spend some time with her. And tell Lynn to make peace with her tonight. Lucy really appreciates her company; even more than she's willing to admit."
Lori slowly nodded. She assured him that she would try to spend some time with Lucy as soon as she got home. With his conscience a little eased, Lincoln stepped out of the van and looked at the house he was about to knock on. He started to walk there, but his sister called him.
"Lucy… You're gonna have to tell her" she reminded him, without sounding demanding. "She and the girls will find out either way. You can't keep hiding it from them."
Lincoln looked at the ground for a few instants. He frowned, silently nodded, and finally looked up at his sister again. He lifted one of the corners of his mouth, in a half smile that was in the middle of being an ironic one and one of resignation.
"One battle at a time, Lori" he simply said.
She nodded, turned on the engine, told him to give her a call when he needed a ride back home, and drove away, leaving him alone in the middle of the sidewalk. Lincoln turned around once more to face the house in front of him. It was different than the rest of the houses from the block. It was kinda small, a simple two storey house, but somehow it was like being in front of a castle. A gallery with big arcades preceded the main entrance and the window panes of what must have been the living room. The house was pretty squared, even the slate roofs seemed to have highly inclined slopes. The difference with his own house amazed Lincoln. While the Loud house looked more like a bunch of pieces randomly stacked together to create something that could be called a dwelling, the house in front of him seemed to be the exemplification of order. All the windows were aligned, the columns overlapped the lines of the door and the framework. Everything was ordered, calculated, measured. Lincoln didn't know anything about architecture, but his father had studied a semester in a British university, and he never stopped talking about the beautiful Victorian houses. He always said that they imposed respect and Lincoln, as he walked forward and stared at the United Kingdom flag on the roof, could only agree.
He reached the door and realized there was no doorbell, only an old, lion shaped knocker.
"Really?" He loudly said, before shaking his head, grabbing the knocker and hitting the metal against the door a couple of times. If not because he trusted his sister, he would've thought he was at the wrong house, because nothing in that old building seemed to indicate that was where…
Someone opened the door. Lincoln heard a gasp and then a high pitched squeal.
"Lincoln!" Yelled Tabby, jumping and stepping forward to energetically shake his whole arm.
"H-He-ey T-T-T-abby" he said, trying to keep his head from falling off his body.
"I can't believe it!" Said the girl, finally releasing Lincoln and looking around him. "Is Luna with you?"
"No, she's actually..."
"I was about to start my jam, you got 'ere just in time!" She interrupted him, grabbing his hand and dragging him inside the house. "Come on in!"
Once inside, Lincoln ascertained that it was as old and tidy as it looked from the outside. The walls were covered in muted colored hardwood, and the floor had a carpet with an intricate design. He would've stopped to take off his shoes so he wouldn't dirty that beautiful place, but Tabby was too busy hauling him through the entry hall, past the stairs and the study room, until they reached the living room.
Oddly enough, that room looked pretty much like his own living room. A chimney, a TV right in front of the window, some couches around it and a hall that seemed to lead to a bedroom. The only difference was that the furniture there was really fancy and probably expensive, including the wooden rocking chair next to the fireplace, where an old lady that could very well be Master Yoda's mother was knitting a scarf.
"Lincoln, that's my grandmother, Lady Campbell, or as I call her, Granny."
Lincoln quickly combed his hair and took a step forward, kindly extending his hand.
"Good afternoon, ma'am. My name's Lincoln Loud, I'm a friend of… your..."
He slowly moved his hand down when he realized that the lady was still knitting without even blinking, oblivious to Lincoln's presence. He heard a giggle behind him, and saw Tabby coming closer with a pan and a spoon.
"Nevermind that, Lincoln. She's almost deaf. Check this out."
She hit the pan with all her strength, so hard that Lincoln had to cover his ears to keep them from vibrating. Lady Campbell, though, kept knitting like nothing had happened.
"We could practice here and she wouldn't even know, ain't that great?" She said with a smile. "But we got neighbors, tho'. Let's go to my room."
"Your…? WAAAAH!"
Tabby grabbed his arm once again, and this time led him upstairs. As they dashed on their way up, Lincoln passed next to several picture frames. Some had pictures in black and white. He saw Tabby in others, and he also saw a lot of people he didn't know. When they reached the top of the stairs, she turned to her left, opened the first door to the right, a pink wooden door, and went inside it with Lincoln.
He opened both eyes wide and let out a whistle. Not only Tabby's room was enormous considering all that space was for just one eleven years old girl, it also seemed to be on a different dimension than the rest of the house. The floor had a strident purple carpet. Bands posters, concerts paraphernalia and guitars where hanging fro every wall, which had several strips of insulation foam, the same kind that his father had installed inside the drywall around Luna's room. Tabby didn't have nearly as many instruments as his sister, but he still saw an electric guitar, an acoustic guitar and several amps.
It was really interesting to see the contrast between that room and the rest of the house. So different. So untidy, colorful, in contrast with how serene and boring the rest of the house looked like.
"This is my room" said Tabby with a grin, closing the door behind her. "Completely sound proof. That means..."
She slowly approached Lincoln, holding his hands and letting her face get closer and closer to his.
"...we can be as loud as we want" she whispered.
"Eh?" Said Lincoln, his face turning red.
"Let's jam!" She yelled, raising her hands over her head, celebrating the chance of being able to share her music with someone else.
Lincoln watched her grabbing her electric guitar and running to get her amps, starting to get everything ready. He took advantage of her distraction to let the blush go away from his face and keep seeing her room. It was crowded with stuff. Vinyl records, paper sheets with musical notations, staves, picks, clothes and many, many posters. It was then when Lincoln noticed that, right in front of Tabby's bed, there was a little collection of posters from The Railway Tavern. He quickly realized they all had one thing in common: they all had Luna Loud's name in the participant list. He got nearer and saw, in the middle of the wall, a Polaroid picture of Tabby hugging Luna's waist, both smiling at the camera.
"Tabby, you really look up to my sister, don't you?" He asked. He noticed that he couldn't hear the echo of his own voice reflecting on the foam covered walls.
She stopped doing what she was doing, turned around and walked next to him.
"She's the most incredible girl I've ever met" she confessed, picking up the picture Lincoln was staring at and smiling at the memories. "My brother always wanted me to get interested in rock, but it wasn't really my thing. And then I met Luna. She also wanted me to like rock, but when I told her that I didn't really like it, she told me maybe I was more into punk. And she changed my world. My life was soooooo boring before her… Knitting with Granny, studying ballet, ignoring my brother… And now it's all punk, music, riffs! She made me who I am right now. And I actually ended up liking rock after all. I love everything she plays. She opened up my mind."
Tabby's words were there confirmation of everything Lincoln believed about his sister. Luna wasn't defined in music. It wasn't rock what defined her, it was her energy. Just like Luan was a girl who passed happiness and joy on, and her puns and jokes were just a medium to do it, Luna was a girl that spread away energy, attitude, the certainty that we should truly enjoy everything we do, that we should live with passion and do what we really want to do, no matter what. Music was the instrument she'd chosen to remind the world that there was nothing wrong with living with passion.
The fact that there was at least one with with posters of her covering a wall in her room was all the evidence Lincoln needed to know that he couldn't allow his sister to leave all her passion behind. His goal was now clearer than ever.
"Y'know" Tabby started, putting the picture back into place, "when I told Luna I'd like to practice with you I meant the three of us jamming together, not only you and me. I'm not complaining, tho', on the contrary. But I didn't know she would take it so serious as to send you 'ere the next morning."
"You told Luna you wanted me to practice with you guys?" Asked Lincoln with a raised eyebrow.
Tabby gave him a weird look.
"Well, yeah. I told her last night in the pub."
"You were with Luna last night?!" He asked, suddenly interested.
"Of course! I never miss one of her shows. Although last night was… weird."
She picked up her electric guitar again and plugged it in. She played a couple of thunderous notes to test how the sound was coming off, but she stopped when she realized it was sounding somewhat odd. She almost started to take the strap off, but Lincoln stopped her.
"I'll do it."
He knelt beside the amp and started to move the tone and volume knobs, used to it after so many years helping Luna getting everything ready in the garage.
"Why do you say yesterday was weird?" He asked, still setting the amp up.
"There was something off with the way she was playing" said Tabby, looking impressed at Lincoln. "She started with all this energy, and then with every song she… I don't know, she sang them with more emotion, like she was totally into it. And they were sad songs. My brother says she was probably having troubles with a boy."
"I see" he simply said, feeling cold needles piercing his heart with every new detail he found out about his sister's performance in the stage the night before.
"She never told me anything 'bout a boy, but she doesn't really have to, y'know? I'm still way younger than her. I too believe she's having boy troubles. By the songs she played, it seems like a boy had just broken up with her, and you could tell from miles that she's very sad about it. She was about to cry on the stage, I saw it, I was ten feet away from her."
"Oh."
"You know something about it? Is she having any love issues?"
Lincoln remained in silence, bent over the amp. Truth be told, he hadn't went there looking for Tabby. He knew he'd find her, yeah, but he was actually looking for someone else. Now, however, he was pretty sure that he should've decided to come to Tabby from the start.
He turned the amp off and stood up.
"Lincoln? What are you doing?" Asked Tabby, confused.
He went into Tabby's bed and sat there, staring at the floor.
"Tabby, Luna wants to drop music forever."
She immediately let out a big gasp, staring at him in disbelief, like he had just made a very cruel joke. Carefully, she let her guitar aside, resting against the nearest wall.
"What are you talking about? Luna wouldn't… She did a show last night" she said, trying to make him realize just how illogical that sounded. "Luna loves music. You can't just simply drop music, like walk away from it. It doesn't make any sense."
"Last night, when she got home, she had an argument with another one of my sisters and… "Lincoln had to breathe in and out a couple of times before continuing. "She broke her favorite guitar. She smashed it to pieces."
"Chloe?! But why would…?! How…?"
The little punk girl was struggling to find her words. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. She sat next to Lincoln, shaking her head and trying to find an explanation to what he was saying. She didn't really know Lincoln that much, and actually the only time they had spend some time together he had been deceiving her for a whole night, juggling four dates and avoiding a fifth. But there was something about him that made her simply trust him. She couldn't seem to see him lying on something like that, something so important and related to his older sister. She knew he was telling the truth.
"Why did she do that?" She finally asked, staring at him.
"Tabby… Look, the truth is that I originally came here to ask your brother for help."
"Chunk? Why would you need his help?" She asked, tilting her head.
"I just assumed he'd know Luna better and he could help me… But I don't really think I would've been comfortable talking with him, actually. I mean, we never really spoke with each other, and you… Well, I do like you."
"I like you too, dude" she said with a little smile, giving him a small bump in his arm with her fist, much more gentle than the ones Lynn used to give him. "But why do you need Chunk's help for? Or mine?"
Lincoln took a couple of seconds to get his explanation ready. He had already discussed this topic so many times, and yet it never got easier to say.
"Well… Luna is very, VERY depressed. And that's because—"
"Is it for a boy, then?" Tabby interrupted him. "Is that why she was singing all those sad songs yesterday?"
"No, it's not about a boy" Lincoln answered, a little bothered by the interruption. "I mean, yeah, it's technically about a boy, but… Look, Luna is all bummed out because of me."
"You? But what did you do to—"
"If you let me finish, maybe I could say it" Lincoln interrupted her, trying to sound not too irritated.
She gave him a slightly offended look for a second, but finally she silently nodded and let him speak. Lincoln gave out a big sigh, psyched himself up once again, and simply dropped it.
"I'm sick. I have a serious condition, and I'll die in one or two weeks."
Luna had once showed him some articles about a room that was one hundred percent acoustically isolated. Outside his funny look, what was interesting about it was the effect that it produced in people. Without any acoustic stimulus from the outside, not even an echo of what we do, one could start to hear its own heart beating, the air coming in and out of their lungs, even the sound of the blood flushing through their veins. Apparently, a human being couldn't be inside that room for more than half an hour before starting to feel dizzy and sick. Luna believed that proved that we can't live without sounds, and therefore, we can't live without music. Although Lincoln wasn't really sure about that logical leap, the "room of silence" had always seemed like an interesting thing, and he wondered how would it be to be inside a room like that one.
Well, Tabby's room wasn't one hundred percent isolated from sounds, but it did have some, and the fact that none of the kids that where inside there said anything for a while helped to increase the sensation of isolation. That's how Lincoln was able to hear his friend's panting, and her shortness of breath while she processed what he had just told her. He could also hear his own calm breathing, just waiting.
As expected, Tabby took the news like a punch in the gut. She simply stared at him in silence, with her mouth slightly open, showing her little tooth gap. Her eyes were slowly diverting from staring at his face for a couple of seconds, then moving quickly to the floor, and then back at the face of the boy sitting right next to her on her bed, over and over again. This time she had no doubts that this was no joke. She didn't even consider the possibility that he wasn't saying the truth. She knew it right away, right when he told her. And she suddenly understood Luna's songs. "Without you my life is incomplete, my days are absolutely gray", "I'll never be the same here without you", "Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?" Of course, she understood it now. It all seemed so logical, so obvious… But who would've imagined something so terrible? How could have she imagined Luna was playing like that because of her younger brother? How could have Tabby known her friend was losing such an important part of her life?
And then Tabby remembered that she had asked about Lincoln. She put a hand over her heart, feeling incredibly guilty. She had definitely touched a nerve. Luna probably had went there just to keep her mind away from everything, and she had forced her to remember in the most painful way just before she started her show. She looked back at Lincoln. Up until a minute ago, she simply saw him as a boy she would love to get to meet. Luna always spoke about him like a treasure, like he was the best kid in the world. And now she could only see him as a mirage, some kind of ghost announcing his departure.
"Wow… Lincoln, I… I'm… I'm sorry" she told him, not knowing what else to say.
He slowly shook his head.
"Don't worry, Tabby. I think… I think I kinda assumed it by now" he said, trying to sound much more confident than he actually was, trying to keep his own fear from reflecting on his voice. "But as you can imagine, my sisters are taking this very bad."
"Surely" she said, uncomfortably moving her feet on the floor. "Of course… This… Oh, Lincoln..."
Tabby gave him a sad look, moving her hand until putting it over his. He just looked at her with understanding and resignation.
"Tabby, Luna is sorrowful. She's losing herself. I gotta help her, and I think I know how, but I need your help."
"What can I do?" She asked, willing to do anything to see Luna better, to help she whom she considered a mentor and even a sister.
Lincoln stood up and went to grab Tabby's acoustic guitar. He sat again next to her, put his fingers in a C chord and strummed down.
"I need to show her that she can't quit on music, that music has nothing to do with what's going on. She thinks that everyone sees her just as a rock girl, and I want to let her know that's not true. That I see beyond her music taste, that I see the true Luna and that I love her for what she is."
"And how can I help you?" Asked Tabby, imagining the answer.
"I know a song. I know she knows it too, it's from a singer we both like since we were kids. I don't… Well, I'm really bad at singing, but that's not the point. I'd love to play a song for her."
"You know how to play the guitar?"
"Luna taught me like the basic chords. The easy ones. If you could help me find the chords for the song, I guess I could learn it. It seems to be pretty easy. But there's another thing I'd like to say to her, and I don't know a song about it. Maybe you can help me with that, too."
Tabby quickly went to his desk. He took a closed laptop with a Link-180 sticker and tuned it on. When the computer was ready, she opened her browser, went to a music website and looked at Lincoln. Her eyes showed great sadness, but her voice denoted resolution.
"Tell me what you need, and I'll give you the perfect song."
Lincoln and Lori arrived home at nearly six in the afternoon. While the girl went inside the house with instructions of finding a very specific object in the attic, Lincoln went into the garage. He opened the door and checked what Lori had told him on their way home from Tabby's. The garage was the place where the whole family dumped their stuff, so it wasn't strange for him or any of his sisters to save there everything that didn't fit in their rooms. And it was actually one of the places where Luna had most of his amps. But now the garage was fuller than ever, because Luna had carried all her instruments there during the afternoon.
Lincoln decided to waste no time in just standing there looking sadly at that image, and instead started to look for his sister's acoustic guitar. It wasn't really hard to find it, since it was inside its case, carefully put over an amp and against the wall. No instrument was as important to Luna as Chloe had been, but even so she took special care with every single one of them. Lincoln took the case and pulled it apart, leaving it prepared for later that night. He then went into the table where his father saved all his tools and various artifacts.
He noticed that, next to the table, there were a lot of fishing stuff prepared, including hooks, jackets, and two fishing rods. That was definitely odd, since the last time the family had gone fishing had been to the Grand Venture State Park, weeks ago. Lincoln hadn't actually fished anything; he'd been more worried trying to avoid Lucy's prediction about the end of his day to come true.
Ignoring that detail, he looked for one of his dad's camp lamps, the kind that he always carried when they all vacationed in Scratchy Bottom's Camp. He was also going to need it for what he was planning to do at night. When he found one, he left it next to Luna's guitar. Without anything else to do until Lori gave him what he'd send her looking for, Lincoln left the garage.
He entered his house from the kitchen door, and he found Lisa there. The scientist was standing on a small stool in front of the refrigerator, stretching her short arms trying to reach the things that were on the higher shelves. She even gave some little jumps, but she still couldn't reach them.
"Dang it" she complained, clenching her fist and stomping on the stool.
"Need some help there?" Asked Lincoln, approaching her.
Lisa turned to give him a look. Usually, her face showed practically no emotion, looking more like the expression of a bored person, tired that the daily occurrences implied no challenge for her intellectual capacity. The only thing that could make her smile or angry her sibling's intervention. Beyond that, she always looked bored, uninterested in everything. That's why Lincoln was surprised to see her so disheveled —even by the little girl's standards, her hair right then looked terrible—, still wearing her pajama even if it was six in the afternoon, and with her whole body slightly shaking due to the anger of not being able to reach the upper shelves of the refrigerator.
"There's no need" she said, frowning and looking away from him. "I simply wanted to prepare an easy appetizer to replenish energies, but this house is not yet prepared so the younger members of the family can make a full use of the whole functions and possibilities offered."
It wasn't common to see her so upset over something so mundane.
"You wanted a snack? I got here just in time, then" he said with a smile stepping closer and grabbing the jelly and peanut butter jars from the refrigerator.
Ignoring Lisa's snore, Lincoln hurriedly prepared the sandwiches his little sister love so much. Easy on the jelly, crusts cut off, and cut in four right triangles… or were they isosceles? A minute later, he had everything ready in a small plate, which he extended to his sister.
"Here, Lisa. Just the way you like it" he said, still smiling.
His smile started to vacillate when he saw that Lisa was just staring at the sandwiches he was offering her, without even trying to take them. She just kept looking at them.
"Lisa?" He called her.
His voice seemed to wake her up from the little trance she was into. She looked up at him and grabbed the plate.
"Sorry. It's just… I really like the way you make them" she simply said, without smiling. For some reason, those words didn't sound like a compliment to Lincoln, but like a simple observation dyed with an emotion he couldn't quite recognize.
Lisa grabbed the plate and distractedly said goodbye, turning around and trying to walk back into her room.
"Wait!"
Lincoln stepped forward and stopped his sister. When Lisa had extended her arm to grab the food, her left sleeve had loosen up a bit, and Lincoln had seen something. He gently took her left wrist and pulled her sleeve down, revealing a tiny forearm which what seemed to be a square paper glued to it around the middle.
"What's that?" He asked, confused.
His sister released herself from his grip.
"It's nothing."
"Lisa, what is that?" He repeated, stubbornly standing in front of her to keep her from leaving.
She sighed.
"It's a caffeine patch."
"What?! Lisa, you're four years old! Four! You can't drink coffee!" He said, scandalized.
"It' not coffee, it's caffeine. And in controlled doses."
"This can't be good for you!"
Lisa let out a short and sarcastic laugh, which made Lincoln even angrier.
"What's so funny?" He asked.
"It's funny to think that you think you know what's best for me, when I'm the one who has a PhD, Lincoln" she coldly replied, walking past her brother.
He didn't say anything. He clenched his fist with his gaze fixed on the kitchen floor, as his younger sister walked by his side, heading to the stairs. He had to remind himself that she was only four years old. She was a kid. Had it been one of his older sisters the one who'd answer him like that, then a real verbal battle would have unfolded. He had to make a big effort to control his anger, and instead he let his worry to come afloat.
"Lisa."
He turned around to be able to see her. She stopped, barely turning her head so she could see him on the corner of her eye.
"Those caffeine patches… Why?"
"They help me stay awake."
"You shouldn't try to stay awake more than your body can take. You need to rest."
"No, Lincoln" she answered, looking forward once again and starting to walk away from him. "What I need is to save you."
Lori came down the stairs about three minutes later, and found Lincoln standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking worried at the floor. She asked him if he was okay, and he shrugged it off, saying he was just thinking about something. She didn't seem to buy it, but decided not to push it.
"I found it" Lori said, handing him a long cylindrical bag.
"Thanks" he said, taking it. He would've needed hours to find it between all the junk that was in the attic. Lori, luckily, had more experience about where his father left all his stuff.
"Listen, I'd help you with it, but Mom asked me to see if I can make Lily take a nap before dinner."
"Don't worry, Lori. You did more than enough for me today. I'll ask Leni to help me."
"Leni?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "You do know that you'll literally gonna have to give her all the step by step instructions so she can help you do it, right?"
Lincoln smiled.
"We'll be able to spend quite some time together, then."
Luna's whole day had been a real shit.
Waking up with a hangover had just been the start. She didn't have any time to recover or try to clear her mind when Lincoln went to see her, trying to talk with her. He was always worrying about his sisters. He often riled them all, but none of them could ever deny that he watched over every single one of them. He would move mountains for them, one rock at a time if needed. And when she needed him the most, he went to see her. He tried to speak with her, to make her realize that what she was doing was wrong. But even if his intentions were pure, and even if she wanted so badly to hug him and never let him go, his simple presence was hurting her.
It hurt to see him. It hurt to feel his touch. It hurt to hear him. It hurt because she loved him, she loved him with all her heart, in a way that she had never loved any other boy in the world, and surely would never again love someone else. Her brother. Her little brother. That same baby she'd cradled in the hospital minutes after his birth, when she couldn't even read yet. She loved being with him, but ever since she'd find out he was soon going to die, to see him was like a cruel joke. A reminder. It was double the pain: not only she'd have to suffer his departure, she also had to suffer the waiting.
What she was feeling was hard to explain. She wasn't really sure it had a name. It hurt to live the present, because she knew that nothing would ever be the same soon, and she also knew that she would be suffering when remembering these very same moments, his last moments with his family. It filled her heart with love to see him trying to cheer her up, to help her, to understand her, but at the same time it hurt her so much, because she knew he soon wouldn't be walking into her room anymore. It was a strange concept, a new idea for her. She was experiencing nostalgia of the present: to live with the grief of knowing that soon she would be missing the present time.
The pain was real. Real and palpable. It consumed her, it made her feel an emptiness like she'd never experienced before. And she didn't want that. She wasn't ready for that kind of pain. So she told Lincoln to please leave her alone. Because if he kept talking to her, she would've ended up crying.
And she didn't want to cry.
During the rest of the day, she did everything she could to keep herself busy. Keeping her promise of playing with Lola was useful for a while. A tea party she was voluntarily attending to as a guest and not as a butler could be actually pretty funny. She was thankful that Lola didn't insist on questioning her about the previous night and her fight with Lori. She noticed a different trait, like she was afraid that Luna would suddenly start screaming at her just like she'd done with Lori, but they had a very good time overall.
Lunch was much harder. Sitting in the same table as Lori and her parents wasn't easy. Eloquent looks. Silences accusing more than any word. Even Luan knew that things were too tense to even a little comic relief. The only one who actually tried to include her in the conversation was Leni. Luna loved her older sister. Not only she was always helping her making her own clothes —with so many instruments and amps, she barely had any budget left—, she had always been there for her whenever she had needed her. Leni was a better older sister that most people gave her credit about. She was always so worried about everyone else. Always willing to sacrifice time to make them feel better. Always ready to give a hug to whoever may need it.
After lunch, while she was still getting all her instruments ready to take to the garage, Luan went inside their room and locked the door behind her.
"Luna… We need to talk" she had said.
"Luan, I don't want to—"
"Forgive me" she interrupted her, running into her arms. "All these days, you tried to talk with me, and I ignored you. You needed me, and I wasn't there for you at all."
"Luany..."
"But I'm here now" she continued. "I'm here for you. You don't have to carry all that pain by yourself.
She loved Luan. She was more than her sister, she was her best friend, her confident, the pillar where she supported herself in times of need. The last few days, where she had entered her mime mode had been pretty harsh for Luna. And although she'd apologized the day before, to know that she could count on her once more was a relief for Luna. To be able to hug her again worked as a catalyst.
Many tissues were spend in very few hours, taking advantage of the acoustic isolation inside the walls of their room. Luna could finally relief some of the stress she was carrying on, but she averted any attempt of talking about Lincoln. She cried for having her little sister back, for knowing that she wasn't alone in her pain. But she actively avoided to be overpowered by the pain. She didn't want to. She wouldn't stand it.
She thought those sorrowful hours would be enough. That there weren't going to be more strong emotions for the rest of the day, at least. But she was wrong.
Usually, Luna always lied down on her bed to sleep with her headphones on. Rock always helped her clear her mind, to relax and finally sleep. That wasn't an option anymore, though. All the lyrics suddenly had another meaning. Every song in the universe seemed to be trying to make her remember. And she just wanted to forget. The problem was that she was really used to her headphones, so during her first night without music, she couldn't fall asleep as fast as she would have preferred. It was impossible to know how long she remained staring at her wall. It was probably for a little over an hour, even if she'd felt it like many hours had passed.
The utterly silence was broken when someone opened her bedroom's door. If it hadn't been because she was fully awake, she wouldn't have ever listened it. Whoever was opening the door was doing it carefully enough as to not cause the smallest sound. Luna would've bet it was Lucy. She sat on her bed to see who it was and what were they doing trying to get into her bedroom so late in the night.
The light coming from the window wasn't enough to make a face distinguishable, but that white hair had always shone under the moonlight.
"Lincoln?" She called him in a whisper, not wanting to wake Luan, whose snores told her that she was having a good night of sleep.
The door stopped being opened, and the pause made the hinges grind.
"Luna?" He asked. "You awake?"
"What are you doing, bro?" She asked, carefully climbing down her bed and approaching Lincoln.
Yeah, she was trying to stop thinking about him, about what was going to happen. But she was still his older sister, and she needed to make sure she was okay, that he didn't need anything.
He opened the door a little more, and took a step near his sister. Now that he was closer, she could clearly see Lincoln's eyes, glowing and beautiful. They were those same eyes that long ago had told her that they loved her to infinity and beyond. The eyes that were lately invading her dreams, and her nightmares too.
"Luna, come with me" he asked, grabbing her hand.
"Where?"
The question had the solely purpose of satisfy her curiosity. She would've followed him to the end of the world if he asked her to. She would've taken him to the beach to walk in the sand, or to the forest to lie between the leafs and bushes until sunrise. She didn't want to suffer, but she would've endured a thousand daggers had Lincoln asked her to.
"Outside."
Still holding her hand, he started to walk to the hall. She followed him, leaving the door slightly open, afraid that the sound of closing it could wake Luan up. She walked behind him in silence as they climbed down the stairs. Did he really wanted to go outside? So late in the night? What did he wanted to do? To take a walk around the neighborhood? That wasn't safe. But when they reached the ground floor he didn't head to the entry door, he instead turned in the kitchen's direction, heading to the backdoor that led to the backyard. Carefully, Lincoln opened the door, and walked along his sister outside.
The two siblings were received with a cold breeze that their pajamas couldn't attenuate. Luna suffered specially, since her sleeping attire consisted only in her underwear and a long purple T-shirt that only covered until half her thighs. The cold air of the night made her shiver, and she felt goosebumps in her legs. She was about to ask her brother where he was taking her, when he noticed something in the farthest end of the backyard.
"Is that dad's tent?" She asked, clearly confused. Why had Lincoln set up the family Canadian tent? Was he actually planing on sleeping outside?
"Let's go" he simply said.
They walked down the three steps that separated the kitchen level from the ground, and they walked to the tent. The sensation of their barefoot stepping over the grass covered in the night dew was funny, but pleasant. Maybe Lana was the only one who enjoyed playing in the mud, but every Loud loved some fresh air, to be outside. Luna imagined that it was probably like that since, with so many people living in such a small house where everything was cramped, the sensation of being outside helped them decompress some.
When they got to the tent, Lincoln opened it up and guided Luna inside. She said nothing. She simply let him guide her, and listened to what he said.
"Go to the left side, carefully. There's some stuff in the ground."
Doing as she was told, she carefully crawled in the dark by the left side of the tent. Her hands and knees soon found out not only that there were a couple of blankets, but also some pillows. She was starting to be worried. Why was Lincoln acting so mysterious? At first she thought that he needed something, maybe needed some help, but now she was starting to suspect that Lincoln had something going on.
"Dude, what's all this? Why did you bring me here?"
"I checked and everyone else is sleeping" he simply said, slowly closing the tent. "Only Lori and Leni know about this."
"What are you talking about? Why did you bring me here?" She asked again.
After he finished closing the tent, Lincoln sat in front of her sister, and his right hand grabbed a nearby object.
"Because we need to talk" he said, just as he turned the camp lamp on.
Luna shielded her eyes with one hand from the light. She blinked a couple of times, and she quickly got used to the new visibility. When Lincoln put the light down, she finally could see her brother's face with clarity. Beautiful, as always. She also saw the blankets and pillows, all from Lincoln's room. But what really caught her attention was that, on the right side of the tent, there was her acoustic guitar, carefully resting over its case.
"What are you doing with my guitar?" She asked. It wasn't her intention to sound so accusing.
"I brought it."
"For me?"
"For us."
"I'm not gonna play it."
"Can we talk before?"
"And what do you—?" Luna stopped herself when she realized the tone she was using to talk with poor Lincoln. She felt terribly guilty. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't… What do you want to talk about?"
"You, Luna" said Lincoln, getting a little closer. "I want to know how are you."
"You know how I am, Linc" she answered, embracing her knees against her chest. "You don't need me to tell you that, and I don't want to say it out loud."
"I think… I think that's the problem, Luna" he softly said. "You can't keep all your emotions locked up inside you."
"Stop" said Luna, closing her eyes, like if just because she wasn't seeing him the words wouldn't affect her the same. "I know what you're trying to do. Don't. Please."
"Luna, you can't run away from this."
"Stop it."
"Maybe… Maybe you can avoid me for the time I have left in here..."
"No, no, Lincoln, I don't want to—" she started, opening her eyes again. She didn't want to ignore Lincoln. She didn't want to miss her last moments with him. That's not what she wanted. But… It was so hard to see him… It hurt so much...
"...and I would never blame you if you decided to do that" Lincoln continued, oblivious to his sister's interruption. "I'd understand. But in the end I'm going to die, and you can't escape from that."
"STOP IT!"
Lincoln fell silent. He didn't want to push her beyond what was necessary, so he let her sob as much as she needed. He could wait for her, since they had the whole night ahead just for the two of them. Luna was thankful for the silence, for him allowing her to have her own time. And she was specially grateful for the space he was giving her, for him not getting closer to hug her or wipe her tears. That would've made her worse. Doing a superhuman effort, she finally got a grip on herself. Not entirely, but enough to be able to speak.
"Lincoln, what do you want from me? Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want?" She asked with honesty, really wishing to understand what was her brother up to.
"Of course I don't want to see you crying" he said, almost succumbing to the impulse of throwing himself at her arms and hug her tightly. "I hate to see you guys like this, any of you. What I… The only thing I want right now is to have my rocker sister back, the best musician in the whole world.
"That's it, then?" Luna asked, suddenly a little more hostile. "All of this… Is just so you can see me play? Is it really that hard for you to understand that there's more in me than music?"
Lincoln's face adopted an expression of sadness, hurt by those words. In any other situation, Luna would've apologized, but at that moment she was really pissed off. In a way, she had always hoped that Lincoln would understand her better than the rest of her siblings. With every afternoon they spend together, all those times she'd help him with his homework when neither Lori or their parents had time for him, all those hours they had both been working on accessories for their clothes… She'd always thought that he could see beyond her musical facade, that he loved her for who she really was. The disillusion hurt almost as bad as everything else.
"Luna, you know I love you."
She didn't say anything.
"You… Those things you're saying… Those are lies."
"Then why don't you let me decide if I want to keep playing or quitting on music?" She asked.
"Because I know you too much, Luna, I know you since I was born" he said, with a mixture of impatience and sadness in his voice. "You're my big sister, and I know that you're only using music as an excuse. I… I know why you're really doing this."
Luna wanted to believe that she had no idea what her brother was talking about, but deep down she knew. She wanted to believe that what she said to the other was true, that she really had locked up all her instruments because she didn't want them to think that that's all there was about her. She wanted to buy her own lie. But no matter how convincing her lie was to herself, she knew the truth. And she realized, she just realized, that Lincoln knew it too.
"You say you're quitting on music because you don't want it to define you" Lincoln started, "but actually you're dropping it because it reminds you of me."
"Lincoln..."
"We'll talk about that later" he said, raising a hand to silence her. "But I know that even though it's an excuse, there's some truth to you in what you say about music and you. So I want to be clear on this."
And then he did a first movement that teared down all the defenses Luna was trying to build around her: he grabbed her by the hand. And that contact pierced through her walls, it sorted out every obstacle she was trying to build between her heart and the world. As always, Lincoln managed to reach the deepest part of her soul. It wasn't just the contact, it was the sum of everything else. The context, the place, the situation, his hand, his look. His voice. His words.
"You're not just music" he said, looking straight into her eyes with such intensity that threatened to set her on fire. "You're much more than that. You inspire us all beyond all the instruments you can play. Luna, you inspire me."
The knot on her throat was too tight, barely letting the air come in and out of her lungs.
"You taught me to enjoy everything I do, to make my favorite activities with passion. You're an example of dedication, always practicing to be better. You weren't always a rock fan, and yet I've always loved you, Luna. Always. Because even without music, you live by a simple yet powerful rule: rock and roll is not about being the best, it's about having fun. And you have fun."
Lincoln slowly let go his sister's hand, and she felt the absence of his heat as if someone had just teared her arm off. He moved inside the tent and grabbed Luna's acoustic guitar. Before his sister's astonished look, Lincoln rolled up his pajamas sleeve, showing his forearm filled with annotations that could barely be seen with the light of the lamp.
"Music is just a way to express your true personality, which I love. Which I see. And so I prepared you this song, so you can realize that."
Looking away from his sister's eyes and focusing on the guitar, Lincoln started to play. His chords sounded a little forced, not so clean. He wasn't strumming all the rhythm, he was just playing the chord progression. And when he started to sing, he sang off-key, out of tune, with troubles coordinating his strumming with the lyrics. He also skipped the first chorus, going straight to the second verse. It was an objectively poor performance, but even to Luna's well trained ears, it sounded simply perfect. Never any kind of music had sounded so beautiful to her, and she wondered if she was really listening with her ears, or if perhaps the vibrations were simply flying straight into her heart.
You with the sad eyesDon't be discouragedOh I realizeIts hard to take courageIn a world full of peopleYou can lose sight of it allAnd the darkness inside youMakes you feel so small
Show me a smile thenDon't be unhappyCan't remember whenI last saw you laughingIf this world makes you crazyAnd you've taken all you can bearYou call me upBecause you know I'll be there
And I see your true colorsShining throughI see your true colorsAnd that's why I love youSo don't be afraid to let them showYour true colors, true colorsAre beautifulLike a rainbow
Apparently, Lincoln had only wrote down in his forearms the chords up until the chorus. When he finished it, he realized he didn't know what to play to end the song, so he simply strummed down the last chord one last time, letting the strings slowly vibrating, with the sound fading down in the air.
Never had a song meant so much for Luna like the one Lincoln had song sang to her. Never had a lyric left such a big imprint in her heart. God damn you, Phil Collins.
It wasn't easy not to cry in that situation, but she kept her composure. She stayed strong. She tried to raise her stone walls around her heart, those same walls Lincoln seemed to be willing to take down at any cost. And now there were no doubts about it, Lincoln knew what she was going through.
Perhaps he didn't know the details, but he understood the process Luna had been going through in less than a week. He knew that all she wanted was to escape from the pain. At first she locked herself in the garage, playing non stop. For a couple of days, that had been enough. But then her songs became sadder and sadder. Her fingers started to mess up, to play the wrong chords, the wrong scales. Suddenly, playing in her garage wasn't enough to distract her. She then tried to play with an audience. The magic of the stage had always kept her away from her problems. But that failed her too. Music had failed her. She didn't know what to do now to avoid the hurt, the pain. To get distracted. To stop thinking.
That's all she wanted. To stop thinking. It was the most basic instinct, the instinct of self-preservation. Wasn't it natural to want to avoid things that hurt her?
"Luna."
Lincoln's voice bought her back to the tent, snapping her away from her train of thoughts.
"The day music means nothing to you, then quit it" he slowly said. "Wherever I may be, I'll support you if that's what you really feel. But I can't let you stop doing the things you like just because you're afraid."
"It's more than that" she difficulty said.
"Not really."
"You don't… You don't understand, Lincoln. You don't understand" she repeated, shaking her head, trying to keep her tears from leaving the corner of her eyes. "You don't know how I feel."
A motorcycle passed by the street in front of the Loud house, and the sound of the motor broke the silence. That and the sound of some crickets was everything that could be heard. Luna felt some movement, and opened her eyes. Lincoln was kneeling in front of her, extending her guitar, like he was offering it as a tribute. She looked at the guitar, and then at her brother.
"No" she said, kindly pushing the guitar away, like if she was refusing a plate of food.
"Maybe you're right, maybe I don't know how you feel" he said, so low that the backyard crickets almost made him impossible to be heard. "If it is like that… Then I want to know. I want to help you, but I can't if I don't know how are you feeling. Show me."
He offered her the guitar once again, and they intertwined their gazes. An emotional duel so intense that WrestleMania would've come off as a kids tantrum: Lincoln's plea versus Luna's obstinacy to not surrender to the pain. A tug-of-war between the two of them, trying to convince the other one, none willing to give up. However, there's more to win to whom has less to lose, and in Lincoln's case, he had nothing to lose. He held his gaze, until Luna finally sighed and dropped her head, defeated. With trembling hands, she took the acoustic guitar and put it on her legs like she'd done so many times before, like it was an extension of her body.
She had to show him how she felt. She had to expose her feelings with a song. In any other scenario, that would've been an extremely simple request for Luna Loud. She knew at least a dozen songs for every possible situation. And, actually, it wasn't hard for her to come up with a song that talked about her feelings. The ideas and names were coming to her non stop. But how to choose between so many songs? Which one would make justice to what she was actually feeling? And which song could she sing without breaking down in front of Lincoln? Tears in Heaven was completely out of discussion. She could never hear that song again without feeling pain in her heart. Against all odds? No, enough Collins for a night. Maybe one from that Canadian female singer from the early 2000's, like Keep holding on or maybe When you're gone. No, the weren't enough neither. Don't Cry, I remember you, Everything I do, My Immortal, Meet you there, Wake me up when September ends? No, no, she didn't want to sing those songs. None of them could truly describe how she felt inside. And the songs that actually did, they would make her cry. And Luna didn't want to have her little brother watching her cry.
"Luna" he called her, snapping his fingers in front of his sister's lost eyes. "Don't think it too much. Play with your heart, not your head."
Her brother's encouraging words, in a situation like this, only made her feel worst. And at the same time, that was all she needed to surpass her music block. She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath, and play her guitar strings. Perfectly tuned, just like she'd left it. And then… Then her hands started to play on their own. Her body… no, her heart simply found the rhythm and the chords. She even had to listen for a couple of seconds before realizing which song she was playing.
She opened up her eyes to see Lincoln's face. She needed to see him, she needed him to know that she meant every word.
I don't want this moment to ever endWhere everything's nothing without youI'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile'Cause it's true: I am nothing without you
Through it all, I made my mistakesI stumble and fall, but I mean these words
I want you to knowWith everything, I won't let this goThese words are my heart and soulI'll hold on to this moment, you knowAs I bleed my heart out to showThat I won't let go
She was pretty sure that she hadn't blink ed during the song. All she could see was Lincoln's face, illuminated by the lamp's light that he held next to his body. She had her eyes set on her little brother, but as she went through the song, his image was getting blurrier and blurrier. She couldn't see him as clearly anymore due to the tears that were starting to gather in her eyes.
She could only finish the chorus before she had to stop playing. Her breathing was agitated, her heart hurt her with every beat, and her eyes stung. Her fingers let go the neck of her guitar, which she let fall between Lincoln and her. Her whole body was shaking, at it wasn't because of the cold night air in the tent. Her chills and goosebumps had nothing to do with her lack of clothes, they were all due to internal sensations. She closer her eyes and pressed her knees against her chest, trying to make herself as small as possible, trying to disappear. Her lips were trembling, but she didn't want to cry. She tried to stop her mind from thinking. She was a scared child, standing on the tight rope, fearful of falling to the abyss.
"Luna, I'm here" Lincoln told her, gently stroking his sister's naked arm.
Luna felt like his touch was burning her. It was an unbearable pain to feel him so close, knowing he'd soon be so far away.
"No one is going to hear you, it's just you and me" he insisted. "You can cry, I'm gonna be here for you."
"I-I don't want to cry… It hu-hurts… It hurts so much..." she complained, and Lincoln could feel the words grazing her throat on their way out, as she stifled a sob.
"I know."
And those two words stopped Luna's world. Nothing else made sense, nothing else mattered. Not the light of the lamp, nor the darkness of the night, nor the sound of the wind against the tent. All her brain could process was the way Lincoln had pronounced those two words. Fearing what she would see, she slowly looked up, only to find herself facing an image that added a new scar on her mistreated heart.
Lincoln, making a big effort to smile at her as two thin threads of tears fell down at each side of his face, leaving a shining wake behind them.
"I know it hurts. I know, it hurts me too. It hurts a lot" he said, roughly wiping his cheeks with his forearm. "But it's supposed to hurt, it's supposed to..."
A small whimper escaped his mouth and kept him from finishing. Lincoln then simply grabbed the guitar.
I went to Tabby's house today. I told her everything, and I asked her to help me find a special song for you. We were about to choose We all fall down by Aero is Myth, but then we found this one, and…
The words died in his throat. He just put the guitar back into position, checked the annotations on his forearm and then he started to play with the same lack of technique and talent than the first time, but with twice the feeling.
Seven forty two in the morningEight seconds before it all sinks inPut your best face on for the worldFake another smile and just pretend
But you're just putting off the painNothing's ever really gonna change
So let it hurt, let it bleedLet it take you right down to your kneesLet it burn to the worst degreeMay not be what you want, but it's what you needSometimes the only way around itIs to let love do it's work
He couldn't finish the chorus, he didn't say the last line. Just like the previous time, Lincoln let the last chord fade away inside the tent. His glistering eyes, shedding tears, were fixed in Luna. And she could only stare at him back.
They didn't say anything, because there was no need for words.
Lincoln presented her the guitar one more time. He put it in her hands, and that simple act finished the lyrics, silently saying the line he couldn't say:
Let it hurt.
For most people, Luna was already crying. Small teardrops were slowly falling down from her eyes, leaving little salty trails, like the trail a snail leaves on its slow march. So yes, perhaps she was technically crying. She didn't feel those tears, though, she didn't feel her shirt getting damped, the wetness on her chest and her arms. What little tears were falling were just her eyes excess, the tears she physically couldn't contain anymore.
She thought she was still being strong, that she wasn't crying yet. She grabbed her guitar and clenched her fingers around its neck so hard she almost loses another instrument. She saw her brother's tears, Lincoln's pleading face. He was there for her. He wasn't trying to tell her that everything was going to be alright, that they would eventually feel better, like her father did every night after the younger siblings went to bed. Lincoln wasn't there to keep her from crying, as she had first believed.
He was there to cry along.
It wasn't necessary, since Lincoln didn't have too much musical knowledge, but Luna quickly tuned her guitar a half tone lower. The song she was about to sing had really high parts her voice couldn't reach in the standard tuning. Once she was ready, she started to strum the chords, her hand gently sliding over the chords. As she started to sing with all the emotion she was capable of putting into a song, she felt something different. It was like life was escaping from her with every note she played, like all the pain she had been keeping inside her had found a way out. It was like more than the guitar strings, she was gently tugging her heartstrings.
Thus, with her heart and soul exposed, she sang her brother everything that she was feeling.
Brother, why'd you have to go?You left us all so soon.Remember that song I wrote about our family years ago?Well, they're all waiting for you to come home.
What do I do?What do I say?And Dad tells me to pray.So I pray and pray but the hurt won't go away.
The pain gets worse, it never stops,And I've asked the Lord for us to swap.I beg and plead, 'cause we all need you here.
Why is it always stormy weather?And brother tell me if it all gets better.Why did you leave? Why did you die?You finally made your sister cry.I know you're watching over us tonight,And I hope you're watching over us tonight.
Many different things happened in just an instant. Luna had sang the chorus with all her energy, to the point where her throat felt numb. And she hadn't broke the visual contact with Lincoln throughout the song. He was still crying like a kid, like a beautiful, little and scared child, and Luna couldn't be strong any longer. Everybody had a limit, and she'd reached hers.
As soon as she finished singing the chorus, she threw her guitar away, not worrying where or how it fell. She opened her arms and knelt forward. Lincoln wasted no time, and right away he jumped straight into his sister's embrace, burying his face in her chest. It was at that moment when Luna decided to stop concealing what she felt. After the first tear voluntarily escaped her eyes, the rest followed soon as a torrent. Luna hugged him tighter against her and cried with the force of a vomiting person, letting out all the whimpers, sobs and cries that had been stagnant in her throat all these days.
During the rest of the night, every time she managed to gather enough breath to say something, Luna repeated how much she loved him. How much she needed him. How it was all so unfair. How much she'd miss him. She told him over and over that she didn't want him to leave, that he was her little brother, that he couldn't leave her. She asked God out loud not to let it happen, as she covered Lincoln's face with kisses and caresses.
It wasn't a pretty picture. They were both a confusing mass of sweat, tears, snot and desolation. United in an embrace of pain and sorrow, there were no magic words to help them, no way out, nowhere to hide.
In that tent, beneath the black night and with the stars as their witnesses, there was only truth.
.
The songs used in this chapter were: 'You'll be in my heart' (Phil Collins, Tarzan's Soundtrack), 'I don't want to miss a thing' (Aerosmith), 'True Colors' (Phil Collins, again), 'With me' (Sum 41), 'Let it hurt' (Rascal Flatts) and 'Brother' (Falling in Reverse). This is nothing important, but that list of songs Luna considered to sing were all songs I considered to use in this chapter. Instead of 'With me', Luna was originally going to sing 'When you're gone' or 'Keep holding on' by Avril Lavigne, but… I don't know, I really like Sum 41. And just like Lincoln said, instead of 'Let it hurt' I was going to go with 'We all fall down' by Aerosmith. But Let it Hurt was just so... "bullseye" with what I tried to convey… Anyway, I invite you to hear those three songs that were cut out of the chapter, to have an even better understanding of how the characters felt.
Next chapter will be different from any other chapter so far. I don't have a name for I yet. It'll be special.