25. Study Muffin

Study Muffin

In the kitchen, Laney was washing her hands by the sink. Just then, Leni rushed in and washed up her face, Laney was looked at her dumb blonde sister and saw she had an anxious look like is if she was preparing for a date.

Leni: How do I look!?

Laney: Umm. Okay?

Leni: [relieved] Oh, thank goodness. [walks to the dining room]

Laney was interested in why her sister was acting strange, stranger than usual that is. She walked over to the dining room and saw all her sisters surrounding someone.

Hugh: Um, hello. I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. It's lovely to meet you all.

Sisters: [infatuated] Ba...ba...ba...

Laney: [enters] What are you... [she pauses as she looks at Hugh] Uhh...

Hugh: [Looks at Laney] Oh my, you're a nice looking young lady. Are these your sisters?

Laney: [infatuated] Uhhh...

Lincoln: [annoyed] Could you guys please get out of here? We're trying to study.

Lola: It's a free country, Lincoln. [stands next to Hugh] We can stand where we want to.

Lana: [cuts in front of Lola] I'm standing here!

Lola: The heck you are!

[The twins start fighting by flailing their hands at each other]

Lana: You're blocking my view!

Lola: You're blocking my Hugh!

[The girls start marching toward Hugh who backs up into a corner]

Lori: Out of my way!

Hugh: [nervous] Oh my word. There's quite a few of you. Friendly lot.

[The girls get closer with Luna hopping and flailing her tongue up front. Walt perches himself on Hugh's arm]

Hugh: Oh. Hello. Bit cheeky, aren't we?

Laney: Guys, stop! [she runs over to Hugh and pulls him out of her sisters' way] Are you okay?

Hugh: Quite alright miss...

Laney: Laney.

Hugh: I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. [Laney holds Hughs hand and zones out as she looks at him, until Lincoln snaps her back to reality]

Lincoln: Okay, that's enough introduction. Come on, Hugh. Let's go somewhere a little less crowded. [They walk to the living room]

[The living room]

Lincoln: Sorry about my sisters. They're not usually like this.

Hugh: Oh, it's no bother. They seem like very spirited young ladies. Especially that Laney lass.

Lincoln: Yeah, she's different than the rest of her siblings. [There's a banging at the window and it's revealed to be Lincoln's sisters looking through the window. Luan has her camera to film Hugh. Lincoln, infuriated, walks over and closes the curtain]

Lincoln: As I was saying, sorry about my-

[A periscope comes in with one of Lincoln's sisters peeping in and Lincoln angrily shoves it back up, hitting the peeping sister]

Lola: OW! MY EYE!

[Lincoln and Hugh go upstairs where Lynn Sr. is as he notices Hugh as well]

Lincoln: Again, sorry about my sisters. Maybe we should study in my room.

Hugh: Brilliant!

[Lynn Sr. is now wearing a bowler hat and holding a miniature Union Jack]

Lynn Sr.: [in a faux British accent] Cheerio! Pip-pip and all that rut! Lynn Loud, Sr. I did a college semester in merry old England. So many memories. Bangers and mash, riding the Tube...

Laney: [enters] Quit it dad! You're embarassing... yourself.

Lynn Sr.: [in a faux british accent] Oh, don't be like that love. We were just havin' a spot of fun, we were.

Hugh: [uncomfortable] Ah, yes. Cheers.

[Enter Lori]

Lori: Oh, Hugh. My window is literally stuck and I need someone very strong to open it. [takes Hugh away from her Dad, who doesn't even notice]

Lynn Sr.: [humming] Hmm, hmm...fish and chips.

[Lincoln sighs at this sight. In Lori and Leni's room, Hugh opens the not-so-stuck window]

Hugh: There you are, love. Right as rain.

Lori: [amorous] Wow. I bet you work out a lot, huh?

Hugh: Well, I did do a spot of crew in fifth form.

Lori: I like all your forms. [fawns awkwardly again]

[Lincoln sighs again. Enter Lisa]

Lisa: I need to borrow Hugh for a second. I'm tutoring Lola.

Lincoln: What?

Hugh: Glad to help. What's the subject.

[Lisa stares at him with a creepy smile and makes a creepy giggle to go along with it. Cut to Lola's tutoring session]

Lisa: [showing Hugh's abdomen] This is called a rectus abdominis. Otherwise known as a six pack.

Hugh: [embarrassed] Oh, I say! [pulls his shirt down]

Lisa: Now, if you'll turn around, I'll point out the gluteus maximus.

[The rest of the girls charge in and they and Lola squeal enticingly. Laney walks in]

Hugh: [frightened] Really? But this is most-

Laney: Girls, please! This really isn't decent of you! [looks at Hugh's butt] Even though he does have cute gluteus maximus... [blushes]

Lincoln: [Fed up] All right, all right. Class dismissed. [takes Hugh away]

[As they leave, Lori gets a quick snapshot of Hugh's butt. The other sisters look at Laney who was still blushing over Hugh]

Lola: Quit trying to steal my man!

Lori: Your man?! He's mine!

Laney: [snaps out of it] Wha?... No! You got it all wrong! I was just.. ah.. trying to help him get back to tutoring Lincoln.

Luan: Didn't look like it.

Lana: He's mine!

Lola: No he's mine! [soon the sisters were fighting over Hugh. Laney runs out of the room and closes the door]

Laney: Gotta find Hugh... He's mine... Ack! What am I saying? This isn't like me! [runs to her room] Okay. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. [goes to her chest and searches for something] Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about Hugh. Stop thinking about... [Laney finds a book with knight jousting on the cover, but her imagination made her see Lincoln's tutor as the knight]

Illusion Hugh #1: I'll be your knight in shining armor.

Laney: AAAH! [Throws away the book, and scooted towards the drawer and finds a mirror, in which she looks at herself] Calm down, Laney. You're going crazy over a complete stranger. A complete, handsome, smooth talking... [her imagination makes her see Hugh in her reflection]

Illusion Hugh #2: Where are you Laney? I miss you...

Laney: AAAAAAAH! [runs off] LINCOLN!

[The attic]

Lincoln: Sorry about this. It's the only place we'll get any privacy. It's a bit dark, but there's a lamp right here.

[Lincoln turns on the light and Lucy is right there from the shadowy corner, startling them]

Lucy: Hi, Hugh. I wrote a poem about you. [reads] Hugh. Wavy hair. Mysterious eyes. Pretty cool for a living guy. Hugh.

[Enter Lynn Sr. now wearing a royal guard hat]

Lynn Sr.: [in his accent] 'Ello, governor! Picked this up at ye olde Buckingham Palace gift shoppe.

[Enter Lola who pushes her family members aside]

Lola: EVERYBODY OUT! [gets out her tea party set] It's tea time for me and Hugh. I made yours without sugar, 'cause you're already sweet. [giggles and flutters her eyelashes, Laney pushes her out of the way]

Laney: OUTTA MY WAY! Err.. I mean [smiles nervously] Let's get you somewhere more quiet...

Lincoln: Couldn't agree more [grabs Hugh and heads off]

[Charles' Doghouse]

Lincoln: Okay, I highly doubt anyone's gonna bother us here.

[Lincoln looks over there as Lana is in the doghouse drinking water with Charles]

Lana: [notices Hugh and waves flirtatiously] Oh, hi, Hughie.

[Charles gets up on Hugh and licks his face]

Luna: Dudes! He's in the pooch pad!

[The rest of the girls, their dad, Walt and Cliff all rush to the doghouse, each getting stuck in the hole, begging for Hugh to join them, leaving him in a panic]

Laney: Enough! Give him some space!

Hugh: Aah! This again!

[This commotion ultimately destroys Charles' doghouse]

Lincoln: [furious] ALRIGHT! FAMILY MEETING! [to Hugh] Back in a jiff. [Family meeting in the living room] You guys are unbelievable. The minute a good-looking guy with an accent shows up, you all go completely bonkers.

Laney: I wasn't going crazy over Hugh! I was just um... helping get some space so he can work with you.

Lori: She's right. That is so not true! [reveals to be wearing a sweater dedicated to Hugh] I've got these Hugh sweaters in small, medium, and large.

Girls and Dad: Ooh!

Lincoln: This has to end. I need to study, or I'm gonna flunk fifth grade! So from now on, Hugh is off limits.

[The girls all complain at Lincoln's decision and walk away disappointed]

Lynn Sr.: [in accent] Now, girls, you heard Lincoln.

Lincoln: Uh, that means you too, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: [disappointed] Oh.

Laney: You did the right thing Lincoln. Now you and that [blushes] gorgeous hunk of london broil can go back to work. [giggles, Lincoln points to upstairs and Laney ran along]

[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: Sorry that took so long to take care. Finally, we can get down to business.

Hugh: Brilliant. Let's start with mathematics. [opens math book] "See if you can solve for X."

[Lincoln writes down his equation]

Lincoln: Is that right?

Hugh: Well done! Let's move onto social studies. [opens social studies book] What are the three major exports of Bosnia-Herzagovina?

Lincoln: [thinking] Um...aluminum, car seats, and leather footwear?

Hugh: Smashing! Shall we have a go at Earth sciences?

[Later]

Hugh: Lincoln, you're spot-on in all of your lessons. Even surrealist art.

[Lincoln had painted his version of The Son of Man by René Magritte with him as the son and a Tennis ball as the apple]

Lincoln: [confused] It's weird. I thought I needed so much help.

Hugh: It's all in your head, chum. There's no reason you shouldn't be getting top marks on your exam. Well, I guess you won't be needing me anymore.

[The girls and pets burst in]

Sisters: [devastated] NOOOOOOOOO!

Lincoln: Et tu, Laney?

Laney: It's not what you think! I uh wanted Hugh to look at this mirror and uh... ummmmm... OH WHO AM I KIDDING?! GET OVER HERE HANDSOME!

Hugh: [frantic] Good heavens! Are all yanks like this? Careful! Mind the hair!

[The girls and their dad all surround Hugh with little to no escape. He crawls out and runs for his life]

Lynn Sr.: GIRLS! HE'S GETTIN' AWAY!

[Hugh is on a Penny-Farthing pedaling as fast as he can as the girls, their dad and the pets give chase]

Girls: NO! / You can't leave! / I want a lock of your hair! / MARRY ME!/ I LOVE YOU!

[The next day, Lincoln returns home from school with a despondent look on his face]

Lynn: How'd the test go, bro? You ace it?

Lincoln: No! I got an F! [slumps on the floor]

Luan: [looks at the test] Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold! [pulls out a phone] I know just Hugh to call! [laughs] Get it?

[The girls start fighting over who should call him]

Lana: I'm calling Hugh!

Lola: No, me!

Lori: I'm calling Hugh!

Lincoln: I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lincoln. It was all our faults you failed your test. [bows her head down in shame] I don't know what came over me.

Lincoln: It's okay, Laney. [sighs] Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now.

[The girls cease their fight]

Lynn: Wait. Ms. DiMartino?

Lincoln: Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull.

Laney: Um, Lincoln? Did you ever considered there's a different reason you failed that test?

Luna: Like the fact that Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her.

Lori: Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori. [grimly] Or he never would have noticed her.

Lincoln: But that couldn't happen to me! [thinking] Could it?

[A flashback to Ms. DiMartino preparing for her first day as the substitute for Mrs. Johnson's class]

Girl Jordan: Hi, Ms. DiMartino!

[Enter Lincoln walking by, captivated]

Lincoln: Ba...ba...ba... [walks into a locker door]

[In class, a boy gives Ms. DiMartino an apple with a heart-shaped balloon tied to its stem. Rusty gives her a box of chocolates. Liam gives her a bonsai tree trimmed like a heart. Lincoln gives her a fruit basket dedicated to the state of Michigan. Lincoln is sharpening his pencil while being distracted by Ms. DiMartino's beauty. He sharpens his pencil down so much, it's stubby now. It happened to a lot of his pencils. Ms. DiMartino is writing down the French term for "to love", Aimer, and how to conjugate it]

Ms. DiMartino: Let's conjugate the French verb, Aimer, to love. J'aime, tu aimes, il aime, nous aimons...

[The boys are too busy ogling and drooling over her to pay attention. At lunchtime in the cafeteria, Lincoln and his friends all look at her and wander into the trashcan]

Liam: Oh! Found my retainer!

[The class is taking a test]

Ms. DiMartino: You'll have one hour to complete your test. Eyes on your own paper.

[During the test, Lincoln fills in his test with a big heart]

[End flashback]

Lincoln: [realizes] Holy shmoly! You guys are right! I do go completely bonkers around Ms. DiMartino. Just like you guys did around Hugh.

Laney: Guess you're not as different from us as you thought. Just like me...

Luan: Don't beat yourself up Lanes. That guy is so hot, you can fry eggs on his rock hard abs! [giggles and blushes]

Leni: By the way, if Hugh and I ever got married and had a baby... [shows an online baby picture she made] ...here's what it would look like.

Lisa: Oh, Leni, you're delusional. Because I'm gonna marry him, and our progeny is gonna look like this. [shows her online baby]

[The girls start fighting again, this time over who will marry Hugh]

Lincoln: Guys, you gotta help me! I don't wanna flunk fifth grade! Clyde could end up as a tattooed litterbug!

[The girls stop again and are puzzled by what he said]

Lincoln: It made sense when he said it.

Luan: Maybe you can get Ms. DiMartino to let you retake the test.

Lincoln: But as long as she's anywhere near me, I'm still gonna blow it!

Laney: Well, just make sure she isn't near you.

Lisa: Exactly. Observe. [takes Lori's phone with a picture of Hugh as its wallpaper which she makes that creepy smile towards it and goes to Lori] Lori, what is Bobby's full name?

Lori: Robert Alejandro Martinez- [gets shown the Hugh picture and fawns over it; Lisa pulls it back] Roberto Alejandro- [gets shown it and fawns again; it's pulled back] Roberto- [shown and fawning again]

Lisa: And now to delete.

Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie]

Lori: [shakes her head and comes to her senses] Roberto Alejandro Martinez Millan Luis Santiago, Jr.

Lisa: Case closed.

Lincoln: Got it. [leaves]

Lisa: Don't worry, guys. I have more photos of Hugh saved in the cloud.

[Epilogue, In Lisa's room, The sisters couldn't stop fawning over the picture of Lincoln's tutor. Laney, being the only one who wasn't looking at the picture sat by Lisa's bed. Enter Lincoln]

Lincoln: Hey, Laney. How come you ain't over there going gaga over Hugh? You still crazy about him?

Laney: Nah. I've learned that love can have a strong hold on you. But for the wrong reasons. I'll just hope that someday I'll find my crush, until then I still have all of you.

Lincoln: Aw, thanks. Well, goodnight. [Lincoln exits]

Laney: [holds a picture of Hugh] One day I'll be old enough for you, love... [Heart shaped iris out]