31. Raw Deal

Hey folks! I'm back! Didn't think it would be this soon huh? Well I just had some ideas from my biggest fan JujuGamer2112. And now I'm re-inspired to do more episodes and move on up to Season 2. Enjoy!

Raw Deal

[The episode begins with the Loud Family on a road trip]

Lana: Dad, are we there yet?

Lynn Sr.: Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours.

Lana: Oh, okay. [beat] Are we there yet?

[Lincoln is looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves...

Leni: And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!

[Her siblings look at her confused]

Leni: The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.

Lincoln: Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. [shows her the geyser in the guidebook]

Luna: I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!

Lisa: I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years.

Leni: So, it is like Pop-Pop.

Lana: Now are we there yet?

Lynn Sr.: Lana, stop asking.

Lana: Well, Hops is asking, not me!

Lola: [struggling with the seat belt] This seat belt is wrinkling my dress!

Rita: Why don't you guys play some car games?

Lynn: How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike! [tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic]

Rita: How about something a little less dangerous?

Laney: How about we play I Spy? I'll go first, I spy with my little eye, something that is brown and oval-y...

Lynn: My football! Pass it here Lanes! I'm open! [Laney sighs]

Lucy: I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings. [shuffles the cards]

[Her siblings agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a spacial setting]

Lucy's Siblings: Me first! / Over here, Lucy!

Lucy: It's Madame Lucy.

Lucy's Siblings: Ooh!

[The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean]

Lucy: Lori, you will go on a long trip.

Lori: [excited] Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place.

[The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky]

Lucy: Lola, the universe will open doors for you.

Lola: [scoffing] Ha. Tell me something I don't know.

[The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds]

Lucy: Luan, you will soon be blown away.

Luan: How fortunate! [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke]

Lynn Sr.: [laughing] Good one!

[Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one]

Luan: [still laughing] Ow!

[the next card shows a twinking star]

Lucy: Laney, you will encounter something that will change your life forever.

Laney: Really? What is it? Is it good?

Lisa: [disbelieving] Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?

[The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball]

Lucy: Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?

Lisa: Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously.

Lucy: Well, the cards don't lie. Last but not least: Lincoln. [draws the card and gasps at what she sees]

Lincoln: [concerned] What? What does it say?

Lucy: [changing the subject] So, uh, who wants to play football? [grins casually]

Lincoln: [desperate] Lucy, come on! Tell me!

Lucy: Fine. Your day at the park will end in... [reveals the card to show the grim reaper] ...tragedy.

[A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio]

Lynn Sr.: Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!

[The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune]

[The family stops at Ed's Gas Snack]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here.

[Lincoln's sisters get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa's disbelief]

Lisa: Aren't you coming?

Lincoln: Nope. I'm staying right here.

Lisa: Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?

[Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash]

Lori: That was literally embarrassing.

Lucy: It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip".

[Lincoln gasps at this fact]

Lori: [sighs in disappointment] So, I'm not going to Italy?

Lisa: Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence.

Laney: Here, Lincoln. You can hold my hand.

[Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling]

Luan: Let me know if you get tired, Dad.

Lynn Sr.: Good one, honey. That's why you're my air. [hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires] Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head.

[They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically]

Lucy: [appearing next to them and startling them] Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away".

[All except Lisa gasp in astonishment. The rest of the girls except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic]

Lisa: More like coincidence number two.

Lucy: We will see.

[As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola]

Lola: [curtsies for him] Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe. [realizes a few seconds later] AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!

[The others gasp again]

Lucy: And...that's number three.

Lincoln: Lisa!

Lisa: Eh. Pure happenstance.

[Inside the restroom, there's a long line for the ladies' room]

Lynn: [rushing to the door] Gotta go! Gotta go!

Twins: Back of the line, sister! [point to the back]

Lynn: [runs to the back] I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG! [starts doing jumping jacks] Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go.

Leni: [holding a pair of pink boots with bows] OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!

Lana: [comes out of restroom] Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!

Lucy: Just like I predicted. [reveals the next card which is an hourglass] Lynn, your patience will be tested. [reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart] Leni, you will fall in love. [reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins] Lana, you will become filthy rich.

[The three gasp in shock]

Lucy: What can I say? The cards don't lie.

[Lincoln whimpers in fear and runs up to the cashier]

Lincoln: Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?

Laney: I'm pretty sure it's nothing to worry about.

Lisa: Correct, Laney. [points to Lynn] That is a coincidence. [points to Leni] That's hyperbole. [points to Lana] And that's gross exaggeration. Filthy, yes. Rich, no.

Lana: Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!

Luna: Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros! [opens a bag and wolfs down some chips]

Lucy: [shows a card with two people holding chalices] You will be rewarded double.

[Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into]

Lisa: Oh, Lincoln, please. You're embarrassing yourself.

Lincoln: [muffled] I'm just being sensible.

[Lisa takes the mask off him]

Lincoln: I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true.

Laney: But my prediction hasn't came true.

Lisa: Neither did mine. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet.

Lincoln: [realizing] Wait a minute. That's true!

Lynn Sr.: Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!

Lincoln: [herding his sisters] Let's go, people! Move it! Move it! [pushes them]

Lola: Lincoln, why are you pushing us?

Lori: Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here.

Lincoln: If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries, and Laney sees that life changing thing, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free. [pushes them in] Yes! We made it! [takes off his protective gear and starts dancing] Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis? [notices she's not with them] Lis? [sees her coming] Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!

Lisa: Sorry. I had to finish that chapter.

[Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches]

Lisa: [gasps] Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!

Laney: Wow, it's so cute! [Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze]

Lisa: Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not.

[The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate]

Lynn Sr.: Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!

[The family heads toward the caves]

Lynn Sr.: All right, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns.

Lucy: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in.

Lincoln: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out.

Rita: Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?

Lincoln: And get impaled by a stalactite?

Rita: Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?

Lincoln: Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe. [notices Laney is joining the others] Wait! Laney! A-Are'nt you going to stay here and... keep me company?

Laney: Sorry, Lincoln. But, I too have been wanting to go to this place for months. I can't ditch that because of your paranoia.

Lincoln: But aren't you afraid of dark spooky caverns?

Laney: Well yes, but I've been preparing for these kind of occasions and brought this headlight. [puts on the headlight]

Lynn Sr: Laney! Catch up or we're leaving you behind.

Laney: Gotta go! [runs into the cave]

Lincoln: Wait! [Sometime later, some screeching is heard] KILLER BATS! [Some butterflies fly out] Oh. They're just butterflies. Who are probably fleeing from killer bats! [runs off screaming]

[Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger]

Lisa: I call it the "Dowl".

Ranger: Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting. [holds up the bunting]

[The family is swimming at the lake]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake.

Lynn: CANNONBALL! [cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash]

Lynn Sr.: Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!

Lana: Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!

Lincoln: [on the dock] Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?

Lola: Don't be a dope. There's no such thing.

[Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae]

Lincoln: [screaming] IT'S HIM! [swings a branch at him] Back, you hideous beast!

Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh.

[Now they're visiting a gorge]

Lynn Sr.: Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande.

Luan: Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous? [laughs]

Laney: Wow, this is wonderful. [to Lucy] Perhaps this is what you mean by me seeing something that will change my life?

Lucy: Nope.

Laney: Really? Cause I think this is a life changing experience.

Lucy: This isn't the fate the cards chose for you.

Laney: Well what IS the fate they chose me?

Lucy: I can't tell you, you'll just have to find out like Lincoln.

Rita: Speaking of Lincoln, have any of you seen your brother?

[Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail]

Lincoln: [frantic] Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy.

Lynn: LINCOLN! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE!

[Her voice echoes]

Lincoln: [softly] Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?

Lynn: WHAT?!

[A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground]

Lynn Sr.: Next stop, Grand Current River.

[The family is fishing]

Luna: Who, little dudette, hook me up with another worm.

Lana: [eating the worms] Sorry. All out.

Rita: Lincoln, you should join us.

Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and wind up in Tijuana? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]

Laney: Is it me, or is Lincoln taking his prediction too seriously?

[The family is having a picnic]

Lana: [patting her belly] Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?

Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]

Laney: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. [walks to Lincoln] Get out of there!

Lincoln: No!

Lori: I think bears also like the potato salad in that basket.

[Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field]

Lincoln: I'll just stand in this field. [frantic] Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log. [hides in said log] But there could be rabid beavers! [gets out of the log] Back to the picnic basket! [about to get back in] No! Wait! The bears! [trips]

Lynn Sr.: Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time.

Lincoln: [heading for the exit] This is great. I may actually get out of here alive.

Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference.

Lincoln: You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me.[His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery]

Lisa: [at podium] Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you... [reveals Down] ...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer.

[The rest of her family and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras]

Lisa: As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are...

[Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific]

Lisa: ...Made in China?

Laney: What?

[The ranger does a spit take]

Ranger: Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the ranger station. Forest fires are no joke. [proceeds to leave]

Lisa: [stopping him] Hold it right there, bub! What gives?

Ranger: [sighs] Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl.

Lisa: [livid] You think science is some sort of a joke?

Ranger: No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back.

[Lisa goes back to the podium]

Lisa: My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake.

Lincoln: A fake? [gasps] So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!

Lisa: That is a logical conclusion.

Lincoln: Which means mine wasn't true either!

Lisa: Second logical conclusion.

Lincoln: I ruined my whole day for no reason.

Lisa: Thrice, a logical conclusion.

Laney: And that means... my prediction won't come true.

[The family's getting ready to go home]

Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees.

Laney: I can't believe Lucy's prediction on me didn't come true. Guess my life is meant to stay the same.

Lincoln: [disappointed] Sorry Lanes, I guess there's a lesson here. You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy.

[Before they head to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln and Laney rush and sees something amazing]

Lincoln: It's the geyser! Whoa!

Laney: It's errupting! And... it's beautiful. [Lincoln and Laney look on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe.] This is really a life changer... [gasps] My prediction! It came true! [All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest is leaving without the two]

Lincoln: He really is leaving me behind.

Laney: What, you think he was kidding?

Lincoln: I always thought that was an empty threat. [chases after them] GUYS! WAIT!

Laney: Wait for me! [follows Lincoln]

Lincoln: [jubilant] Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! I just saw the geyser go off!

[His sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day]

Leni: [groggily] Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here.

Lincoln: Leni, it's not... Laney! You can tell them that... [Sees Laney is already fast asleep] Never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever. [goes to sleep for the ride home]

Lisa: Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.

Lucy: WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction." [draws one more card] "The end is near.

Lisa: Oh, please. Give me a-

[Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears]

THE END

Lucy: Told ya. The cards don't lie.