111. Gown and Out

Gown and Out

[The episode starts at Royal Woods Elementary, where they are hosting the Little Miss Royal Woods Pageant.]

Cheryl: Welcome back to the Little Miss Royal Woods Pageant. Up next, we are kicking off the talent portion with Lola Loud and her famous ribbon dance!

[A spotlight shines on Lola as she twirls her ribbon the air.]

Lola: It's Lola.

[She performs the ribbon dance as her family cheers her on.]

Lincoln: Notice how the ribbon never touches the floor. Sign of a real pro. [Laney nods]

[The interview portion]

Cheryl: How would you define true beauty?

Lola: To me, true beauty means having big hair and an even bigger heart.

Crowd: [touched] Awwwwww!

Laney: The 'bigger heart' part got me!

Lincoln: Yes! Perfect balance of sap and sass.

Lynn: Ok, how do you know this junk?

Lincoln: Do you seriously not remember when I was the twins' pageant coach? [notices something] Shhh! They're announcing the winner!

Cheryl: And your next Little Miss Royal Woods is...! [The audience gasps in shock] You guessed it. [The audience gasps again] Lola!

Lola: [surprised] Whaaat?

Laney: [To the viewers] Don't act so surprised. She wins this every time.

[Cheryl places the crown on top of Lola's head as the audience cheers.]

[Backstage, Lola meets up with her family.]

Rita: Oh, we are so proud of you, sweetie!

Lola: Thanks, you guys. It was nothing.

Laney [smirks]: You can sure say that again.

Cheryl: [comes in with some papers] I have some exciting news, sweetie. Winning this title qualifies you for the Little Miss Southeastern Michigan Pageant!

Lola: [suprised to hear this] Wha-? A-A regional pageant? I've never competed at that level before.

Cheryl: Pack your bags! Cause it's a coming up next weekend!

Lola: Wow!

Lynn Sr.: Next weekend? I have my pastry workshop.

Rita: And I have my dental conference.

Lola: But, but it's my first shot at the big time!

[Rita and Lynn Sr. then thought of something and look at Lori.]

Lori: [Holding her phone] Are you looking at me? I can feel you looking at me. Uh, look, no offense, but being a pageant chaperone, isn't really how I planned to spend my weekend.

Rita: What if we threw in a spa package? Hmm?

Lori: You literally have a deal.

Lola: [cheers at this and hugs Lori] Thanks, Lori!

Laney: Can I come too?

Rita: Why do you wanna go, Laney?

Laney: Can't a girl come and support her sister? Besides, hotels mean unlimited room service!

Lynn Sr.: Okay, but just don't go overboard this time.

Laney: No promises!

[Next weekend comes with Lori, Laney, and Lola at the Caribou Suites Hotel. Lori and Laney are carrying Lola's luggage.]

Lola: Lola Loud, checking in for Little Miss Southeastern Michigan. [Notices other pageant participants texting on their phones.] Hi, I'm Lola. Isn't it exciting to be competing in the big leagues?

Chinah: Well, not as exciting as nationals last year. It could be fun. Hi, I'm Chinah, with two H's.

Jackie: She holds the record for the most titles won before age 7.

Chinah: Oh, that's nothing. Jackie here does toothpaste commercials.

[Jackie shows her pearly whites.]

Claudette: And my name is Claudette.

Lola: Woah! Are those sequins French crystal?

Claudette: Oui. All of my gowns are made in Paris. Aren't yours?

Lola: [chuckles nervously]

Lori: Come on, Lola, I've got our room key.

Lola: Heh, oh darn. Gotta run. [dashes off] Okay, okay, stay cool, Lola. Just 'cause these girls have fancy dresses, shiny teeth, and names with extra letters doesn't mean you can't compete with them, heh! [Groans while Lori struggles to carry the luggage, and ends up tripping backward.]

[Lola, Laney, and Lori are outside the stage where the rehearsals are.]

Lori: Well, good luck at rehearsal. Not that you need it.

Lola: Thanks, sis. Enjoy your spa day.

Lori: Ah, believe me. I will. [Scene changes to her at the spa] What do you mean you're full? Can't you please squeeze me in? I'll take your worst masseuse.

Clerk: Mmm, I'm afraid Greg's booked, too. We had like 12 pageant moms request deep tissue.

Lori: [sighs] Yeah, I get that. It's okay. I'll just try again tomorrow.

Pageant Mom: [offscreen] Ow! Greg, that's my spleen!

[Meanwhile, Laney was in the room where Lola was staying. She jumped into one of the beds and lied down on it]

Laney: Ahhh. [Laney reaches the phone and dials room service] Hello, room service. I'll take one of your finest robes and your finest chocolates please. [Later, Laney was wearing a white hotel robe laying down next to a bunch of flowers. Lori comes in]

Lori: Ugh, lousy moms have to take up the entire... huh? [Lori is surprised to see Laney and all of her room service things]

Laney: Hey, Lori.

Lori: Must you always take advantage of the room service of literally every hotel we go to, Laney?

Laney: What can I say? They really know how to treat a guest. [hands Lori a chocolate] Bon bon?

Lori: Ooh. Yes please. [Eats the chocolate]

[Back with Lola...]

Announcer: Next up, talent! Jackie, let's see your gymnastics routine.

Lola: Oh, tumbling. Cute.

Announcer: [Jackie begins her routine] And there she goes! Giant swing with a full release! She spins 360 degrees and a half turn with climb, jump, and a handstand!

Lola: [Gasps in amazement]

Jackie: Eh, not my best.

Announcer: Next up, we have Lola performing...Oh, a-a ribbon dance. Cute.

[Lola nervously walks up with her ribbon, which gets caught in a nail on the floorboard, sending her flying backward.]

[Later on...]

Announcer: What is the single most significant event in human history?

Chinah: Great question! It depends whether we approach from a socioeconomic or geopolitical perspective.

Lola: [decides to bail after hearing this.] Gah, excuse me! Excuse me!

[Lori and Laney are watching The Dream Boat in the hotel room when Lola comes in.]

Laney: There's our little superstar! So how did it go?

Lori: Yeah, did you kill it?

Lola: Uh...yeah. You know it. Crown's in the bag. Uh...I'm just gonna go steam up my pores for tomorrow.

[Lola walks into the bathroom, turns on the sink, and sulks against the bathtub as she calls Lincoln on her phone.]

Lincoln: Lola, what's wrong? [gasps] Did your hair fall flat?

Lola: No, it's not my hair. It's the other contestants. They're... um... [whispers it into the phone.]

Lincoln: What was that?

Lola: They're... BETTER than I am! What if I don't win? What if I looo... loooo... ooooo... [starts to get nauseous] I can't even say it without getting nauseous!

Lincoln: Lola, you're not going to lose! You're a pageant powerhouse! Now make sure you get to bed early tonight, you don't want to wake up all puffy eyed and blotchy.

Lola: Yeah, yeah... [picks up an eyeliner and gets an idea.] Or do I...?

[The next morning, Lori and Laney are waking up from her sleep.]

Lori: [yawns, but then sees Lola pretending to be sick.] Ah! [gasps] Lola! What happened?

Lola: [fake coughs and imitates a scratched up voice.] I don't know. I do feel a little under the weather, but, the pageant must go on.

Laney: Are you kidding me? Look at you, you're sick! You can't go to the pageant like this!

Lori: [lays Lola back down] I'm so sorry, Lola, I know how much you wanted to compete but, you just can't.

Lola: [sighs] That's alright. I'll get over it, someday. [her expression changes to a happy tone.] Well, enjoy the spa.

Lori: Pssh, forget the spa. I am staying right here. Maybe a fun sister day will help cheer you up.

Lola: What?! No! Y-Y-You don't have to do that.

Laney: Of course we have to! You're our sister! [Laney gives Lola her robe]

Lola: You're giving me your robe?

Laney: Yes. I'm figured just because you're not going to be a pageant queen doesn't mean you can't be treated like one.

Lori: Now, sit tight. We're gonna hit the gift shop for supplies.

[Later, Lola's bed was crowded with heart-shaped balloons and flowers. Lori enters.]

Lori: I'm back~. [gasps] Oh, good, the flowers and balloons arrived.

Laney: Most of those flowers are mine.

Lori: First up, mani-pedis. I got coral, lavender, and sea foam, you get first pick.

Lola: Whoa, these are the fancy brand.

Lori: What's money when you have a sick sister?

Lola: Ugh.

Laney: 3 warm chocolate chip cookies in your coldest milk please? And what are you guys having?

Lola: But those cookies are $5.95 each!

Laney: Nonsense, I order stuff from room service all the time. Lori, you'll be paying for it right?

Lori: Sure. What else am I going to do with my really hard earned babysitting money?

[Lola looks down sadly.]

Lori: And, the winner of the Little Miss Unsightly Skin Rash Pageant is... Miss Lola Loud! [singing] Oh, Little Miss Unsightly Skin Rash. [Laney applauds; scatting]

[Right then, Lola starts crying, unable to take this anymore.]

Laney: Aww. This must be too much for our little star. She's crying tears of joy!

Lola: No! These are not tears of joy!

Lori: [gasps] Is your condition getting worse?

Lola: No, I don't have a condition, unless you count being a terrible person. I'm not really sick. I faked all this with makeup to get out of the pageant. [sniffling]

Lori: But why? I don't understand.

Lola: [sits on the bed] Well, I've never competed at this level before, and the other girls are really talented. I couldn't stand the idea of lo-lo-lo... [retches]

Laney: Losing?

Lola: Yeah, that thing. I'm sorry I lied. I understand if you're mad.

Lori: [sits next to her] Actually, Lols, we're not.

Lola: Really?

Lori: No, I get it. I almost skipped homecoming because I was worried I wouldn't win queen. [Flashback to Lori that day in her room looking sad in front of her mirror, she then looks at her dress.] But... in the end, I sucked it up, put on my dress, and went anyway. [Grabs her dress. End of flashback.] And I'm so glad I did.

Lola: [Slightly confused] But, I thought Carol Pingrey won homecoming queen?

Lori: Oh, she totally did, [Flashback to Carol receiving her crown, and Lori looking on with disappointment.] and it definitely hurt at first. [Just then, her beloved Bobby-Boo-Boo-Bear offers her his hand.] But, if I hadn't have gone, I would have missed out on an amazing night [Bobby pulls his beloved Babe onto the dance floor and the two have an amazing night. End of flashback.]

Laney: I wish I can say I don't know how you feel. But I do. [Flashback to a younger Laney at an art show] When I was younger, there was a junior art show at the museum. [Young Laney looks at all the talented art pieces and looks at hers with worry] Everyone who was competing had art pieces way more talented then mine. I was too embarassed to even show up! But I went with it anyway, because it was my dream to show my artwork to the world. [Young Laney looks determined and confidently walks toward the competition. Cut to later after the show, two other contestants win first and second place, while Laney was in third] I didn't win... [Everyone began to talk about Laney's painting] But, everyone was so marvelled by my piece... [The people gathered around Laney and talk with her. She was so happy that her painting was getting some attention] I've never been happier. [End flashback] I've never let coming in first bothered me ever since. Because I know it can't stop me from-

Lola: [Finishing Laney's sentence] Doing what makes me happy.

Lori: Exactly! So what do you say? You still wanna do this thing?

Lola: [Remorseful] Yes, but it's too late, the pageant starts in ten minutes and look at me, I'm a complete disaster.

Lori: Don't worry, I'm calling an expert. [Pulls out her phone, and speed dials a boy with white hair.]

Lincoln: Okay Lori, grab a makeup wipe, the one with the green tea extract, we don't need to be irritating the skin right now.

Lori: [Following Lincoln's instructions] One with green tea extract, check.

Lincoln: Laney, start warming up the curling iron.

Laney: [offscreen] Got it! [She does so but Lincoln groans]

Lincoln: The one inch barrel, not the three quarters, have you ever heat styled before, woman?

[That night at the pageant.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Little Miss Southeastern Michigan Pageant. [Starts singing] Beautiful girls, I'm talking 'bout the beautiful girrrrls. [Backstage, Lola is quivering with fear.] Just crazy for the beautiful girrrrrrrrls.

Lori: Go get 'em, Lola.

Lincoln: [Through video chat] Remember; eyes forward, chin up, tushy clenched.

Announcer: Let's meet our contestants Lola hurries onstage to join the others.] Let's hear it for these beautiful girrrrrrls. [The crowd applauds. Later on in the pageant.] Lola Loud and her ribbon dance. [Gives Lola the stage. Lola spins her ribbon and performs like there's nothing to it.]

Lincoln: It's like she's one with the ribbon.

Lori: Literally.

[Later, it's time for the interview.]

Lola: As partial as I an to a sparkly tiara, I'd have to say that a girl's most important accessory is her brain.

[The audience loves Lola.]

Lincoln: Yes.

Lori: So good.

Laney: Eh, I've heard better. [Lori nudges her] Oof! What? Just being honest.

The pageant is almost concluded.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in. Can we please bring out all our beautiful girrrrls? [Said beautiful girls come out on stage, hands in hands, and the audience cheers.] "The second runner up to Little Miss Southeastern Michigan is... Claudette. [Claudette is honored and steps up, the other girls, and Lola, clap for her, and rejoin hands when the announcer continues.] "The first runner up iiiissssssss... Jackie. [Jackie does what Claudette did.]

Lola: [To herself] Oh my gosh, one left, I could win, I could still-

Announcer: And your next Little Miss Southeastern Michigan iiiiiiiissssssssssssssss... [Lola gains confidence] Chinah. [Lola is now disappointed. Chinah goes up and receives her sash.] She's Little Miss Southeastern Michigan.

[Lola is still bummed that she lost, but claps anyway. She then looks over to her chaperone and her coach.]

Lori: Lols, [in union with Lincoln and Laney] You were so great, Lola.

Lincoln: Way to go.

Lola: [Feeling a lot better] Congratulations, Chinah.

[The crowd applauds. The pageant is over, Lola slides to Lori and Laney and gives them a big hug.]

Lori: Aww, you done good out there, sis.

Lincoln: Your best work since last fall's Little Miss Fusion Cuisine Pageant.

Laney: I have a few notes but your ribbon dancing was superb!

Lola: Thanks guys, you were right. Even though I lo-, lo-. [Sighs, knowing she can't say it, and then smiles.] didn't win, [eye twitches] I'm really glad I did it.

Jackie: Nice job, Lola, we're gonna have to watch out for you next year. [Casually leaves]

Lincoln: Speaking of next year, Lola, I think we should add some tumbling moves to your ribbon dance, I'll- [Lori turns her phone, and her brother, off.]

Lori: Goodbye, Lincoln.

Laney: This calls for a celebration. Who's up for choclates and massages!

Lori: We are! Word of advice though, do not ask for Greg.