12. Chapter 11: Your sin will find you out

[b]Ch 11: Your sin will find you out^[/b]

Well after midday, refreshed and more alert, Darcy was once again in his study. Knowing he would not offend the Coopertons, he chose to have a tray brought in, rather than dine with them for luncheon. He sighed. [i]I don't even know where to begin.[/i] He rubbed hard at his temples, hoping answers would somehow come. A meek knock on the heavy door to the study broke his reverie.

"Come in."

Slowly the door opened and Georgiana peeked in. Over her shoulder, he could see Mrs. Cooperton nodding.

"Please, Georgiana, come in," he encouraged, beckoning his sister in.

"Go on." Bridget pushed her through the door gently and closed it behind her.

Sensing his sister's need, Fitzwilliam rose from behind the desk and met her at the door. They looked at each other awkwardly for a long moment. Finally, she threw herself into his arms where she was met with a warm embrace.

"Brother, I am so sorry. I have been such a fool!" She sobbed as he led her to a chair. "I have accused you of treating Mr. Wickham unfairly, when all along it was you who were being used so unkindly!" Darcy drew a breath to speak, but she stopped him with a hand on his wrist. "No, please, let me speak. I must!"

"All right, I will listen," he assured softly, relieved at the direction the discussion was taking.

"I took Mr. Wickham's word over yours. I should never ever have done that. You have always cared for me and protected me, all the more so after Father died. I should never have listened to him criticize you. I was so vain, hearing all his flattery! I am so sorry, please forgive me." Growing more disquieted, she rose and walked to the bookcase, staring up at the shelves for a long moment. "I disgraced you, embarrassed you in front of your friends, our friends, last night. You had privileged me by allowing me to join you, and I behaved so badly before them all! I even insulted Mr. Bradley, your guest of honor." Tears poured down the young woman's cheeks as she felt the weight of her humiliation. "You were right to dismiss me from your company.

"But then I disobeyed you, I defied you, and went into the garden. It seemed like such a romantic notion, but I see now how stupid I was." She turned to face him. "Mrs. Cooperton sent for two of her maids to come and speak with me. It seems…" her voice quivered briefly, "…it seems that Mr. Wickham dallied with their sisters and ruined them both. One of the girls died in childbirth, the other will spend the rest of her life banished from the family, in Scotland. Now I see how easily that could have been me!" Her composure broke and she crumpled to her knees on the floor, sobbing into her hands again.

Without hesitation, Darcy moved to her side, hunkering down beside her, embracing her in his strong arms.

"Please, forgive me!" she wept.

"I do, Georgiana. I do. I am just so relieved that you have listened to Mrs. Cooperton. I am so sorry that you had to see George Wickham as he truly is. It is not a pleasing thing, I know." He held her tightly. "You are safe from him now. I cannot speak my thankfulness enough that you are safe." He helped her back to her feet and guided her to sit once again.

"What have I done, oh what have I done? How can you bear to look at me? How can I ever face our friends again? How can I ever look at Mr. Bradley?" Tearful eyes looked up at him. "Please, do not make me."

Pressing her into his now tear-stained shoulder, he rubbed her back. "Oh, dearling, you know I cannot do that." [i]I cannot let you follow the same path that our father took. I cannot allow you to be lost in your guilt.[/i] "We all forgive you. Now you must forgive yourself."

"How do I do that?" she pleaded.

Darcy smiled wearily to himself. "I do not honestly know. I cannot say what that looks like. I know some of it will come as you have to live with the consequences of your actions. You will have to face all of us, and see that we forgive you. I think that will help you find the strength to forgive yourself. I have written for our cousin Richard to come. I will ask him to take you to our Aunt Matlock for a time. She will help you prepare to come out in ways that I cannot. She will help you overcome the things that led to last night. As you do that, I think you can begin to forgive yourself, knowing that you will not go this way again. We will also seek out Bradley. There is no one else I know who is more able to answer such a question than him." Tenderly he kissed the top of her head.

"But he must hate me!" she argued.

"No, Georgiana, you know that is not true. I think it is you that hates yourself right now, not him, and not me." He tipped her chin up so she would look him in the eye. "I am disappointed in your behavior. That is not what I expected from you." He sighed as his eyes fell upon the shelf full of his father's journals. [i]But then, that is not what I expected from him either.[/i] "But we all disappoint the ones we love at times. If we cannot forgive and move on, then what do we have left? To grow old and bitter and resentful? I think not." He shook his head decisively. "I think not. That is not how I would wish to spend the rest of my days. Would you?"

"No, but please, do not send me away, I promise…" [i]If I could make such a mistake here, what might I do there? [/i]

"I am not sending you away. Pemberley will always be your home. I will never send you away. You are going to visit Aunt Matlock because I am ill-equipped to teach you what you need to know for your coming out. I am not fit to teach a young lady, we both know that. You need her help right now. Richard's sister, Helen is nearly your age and is also preparing to meet society. It will be good for you to have someone to share it all with."

The young woman wilted with disappointment. [i]Helen will think I am a fool. She probably will not even speak to me.[/i]

"I am not banishing you. Please trust me." His eyes pleaded with her. [i]Please do not make me become stern with you.[/i]

She nodded reluctantly, biting her lower lip with anxiety. "Will you tell them?"

"I must tell Richard, he is your guardian as well, and he needs to know. Together we will decide what is appropriate for the rest of the family to know. You can be certain that if your aunt finds out, she will forgive you too." His heart wrenched at her crestfallen look. "But I do not think Helen needs to know if that is what you are worrying about." His suspicion was confirmed when he saw the relief in her eyes. "You keep saying you want to be treated as an adult. This is what that means, taking responsibility for your mistakes, not hiding from them, and then making things right. Is that not the repentance that Bradley teaches?"

"Yes. I do not think I like it very much, though." She pouted, looking very much the little girl.

"That matters very little when you are a grown person. I am afraid that is a lesson you must learn now." A sharp knock at the door drew Darcy's attention. "Yes?"

Davis opened the door slightly and announced, "The Reverend Mister Bradley to see you, sir."

"Show Bradley in, Davis. Thank you."

"Very good, sir." Davis disappeared.

"Brother?" The distress in the young woman's blue eyes was clear.

"Do not prolong this. Now is the perfect opportunity for you to say what you need to say. I will be here with you." Darcy allowed his countenance to grow stern.

Swallowing hard, she meekly whispered, "Yes sir."

A moment later, Davis reappeared with Bradley at his side.

Immediately, Darcy was on his feet, walking to the doorway to greet the vicar. "Good afternoon, sir," he smiled warmly, "would you care for some tea?"

"I think I would, Darcy. Thank you very much," Bradley nodded, allowing his eyes to drift toward the timid young woman. "Good afternoon to you Miss Darcy."

Her composure broke, and she began to cry, hiding her face in her hands.

Brother and curate exchanged weary glances. Nodding with understanding, Bradley crossed the few steps to Georgiana. Dropping to his knee beside her seat, he touched her shoulder with his fingertips. "Miss Darcy?"

"Oh Mr. Bradley! I am so sorry! I treated you so badly last night. Mrs. Cooperton has helped me see so much. I was horrid to you!" Her tearstained face peeked out above her hands. Red rimmed eyes beseeched the vicar for forgiveness.

"Your parents would be very proud of you at this moment. I am as well." He held her eyes for a long moment. "It takes a great deal to confess one's error. Be assured, I hold nothing against you." [i]I am grateful you have had an opportunity to see your error and turn from it. Not all girls are so fortunate. I pray this is the first step in many such good decisions. [/i]

Darcy joined them and laid his large hand on her back. "I am proud of you too," he said softly.

"Really?" she whispered, craning her neck to look up at her brother.

"Yes. Now then, you get yourself cleaned up and go attend Mrs. Cooperton. I am sure she has much more to talk with you about." Kissing the top of her head once more, he released his sister and walked her to the door. Stepping out for a moment, he requested tea be sent. Wondering what he would say, he turned back to his guest.

"You look like you had a long night as well, young master."Bradley smiled gently as he settled himself in a chair near the fireplace. [i]I should think you slept very little by the shadows under your eyes.[/i]

"I dare say the circles under your eyes match my own, sir," Darcy laughed softly as he seated himself.

Silence descended, leaving both men feeling somewhat awkward. The arrival of a servant with tea relieved both of them.

"So, tell me of your evening," Bradley finally ventured, lifting his teacup to his lips.

Darcy sighed behind his own teacup, taking a long sip before he answered. Fixing his eyes on the bookcase, he softly said, "I needed my father's wisdom last night. I finally started to read his journals."

Somberly the vicar nodded. [i]So that is what is haunting your eyes, my young friend. The ghost of your father's sins. I am so sorry you had to find out at such a time and in such a manner.[/i]

"You knew. You have always known." The young gentleman slowly turned his eyes on the vicar.

"I have. Your father… he trusted me with his confidences. I was honored by that trust, and I would never violate that, no more than I would violate yours. He had always intended to tell you, when he felt the time was right. He wanted you to know. He just did not know how to tell you." Bradley set his cup on the small table and leaned back in the soft chair. "It was very difficult for him. He was very ashamed of what he had done."

"I could see that in many of the pages he wrote." Darcy's brows creased and he looked at the ceiling for a moment. "What I do not understand is how such a thing occurred. When I left for school, he lectured me so sternly on keeping myself under good regulation." Anger tinged the young man's voice.

"He knew firsthand why it was so important."

"But how could he?" Darcy sprang to his feet and began pacing across the fireplace. "I know such things are done, yet you could not have condoned such behavior from him!" Accusation filled his eyes as he stared at his guest.

"No, I did not," Bradley sadly agreed.

"Then why?" the young man demanded, whirling on the vicar. "Why? How could he have betrayed my mother in such a way? And how many more…"

"None. Let me put that question to rest for you, Fitzwilliam. There were no others."

Darcy leaned his arm across the mantle, sagging in relief.

Slowly, Bradley rose and went to him. Laying a hand on the younger man's shoulder, he reassured, "George Darcy loved his wife very dearly, son, very dearly. There were no others. Come, I will tell you the story as I know it. Since you have read your father's words, I am betraying no confidences."

Together, they walked back to their seats. "He indeed loved Anne Darcy, and she him. But sometimes, the deepest of love is forged in the fire of deep trials." Bradley stared at the empty fireplace, a fitting reminder of the empty place that the couple's deaths had left. "I met your parents when I became curate here, in the months before you were born."

Darcy watched the faraway look on Bradley's face as he drew upon his memories.

"They had been married nearly five years by the time I came here, and they were very excitedly awaiting your arrival. They had long hoped for an heir. I sat with your father when it was time for your birth.

"It was then he told me of your mother. Their match was like most of those in their sphere, more a business transaction than anything else. But something happened for them during their wedding trip. They came to love each other very dearly.

"But all was not easy for them in those first five years, they suffered through several miscarriages. With each one, your mother suffered deep melancholy, each one deeper than the last. Those periods were difficult for your father to understand. He was a young man, still impatient and not able to feel her sorrows. They grew apart with each loss. Your father had great hopes that your birth would be the event that began to heal the breach.

"Sadly, that was not to be. Despite the fact that she was safely and easily delivered of Pemberley's heir, her melancholy returned in force. She withdrew from everyone, especially your father. He was very hurt and very angry. Finally, she announced she was taking you to visit her family. Your father allowed it, hoping it would somehow ease her heart, but he was angry at the same time." Bradley exhaled deeply and took up his tea cup once again.

Darcy waited patiently, his elbows on the chair arms, chin on his fists. [i]I never knew that of my mother. I do not believe I ever saw her like that. I always remember her smiling.[/i] He sighed. [i]How much do I not know of my parents?[/i]

"It is hard to talk about your father this way, you understand. To speak of the man he once was, it is almost a disgrace to his memory. Please, Fitzwilliam, please, remember, the man I am speaking of became the man that you knew, the man we trusted and respected. He took his mistakes and learned from them, that is what you must keep in mind." He turned pleading eyes on his listener.

Slowly, Darcy nodded. "You are right, it is difficult to think of my parents this way. But knowing these things does not change the people they were, the ones that I knew. It is good to keep that in mind. Please, continue." Though he knew his words to be true, it was difficult to believe them even as he spoke them out.

With a deep breath, Bradley began again, "The longer your mother was away, the angrier he became. He loved her, and he could not deal with the fact she would not receive his love. He began to wash away his sorrow in drink. Most nights he fell asleep in his study, after far too many glasses of port.

"The running of the estate suffered in those days. The old steward had died and a new man had not taken his place. That was when he brought in Old Wickham to fill the position. He and his wife came to Pemberley while your mother was away.

"The Wickhams had been married for ten years when they moved to Derbyshire, and they had no children. Like most women, Lavinia Wickham was desperate for a child. One night, she came to the house, looking for her husband. She found your father, in his cups, here in the study."

Looking down, Bradley breathed deeply and frowned. "I cannot say for certain what happened then, but at the end of it, he had entered into physical congress with her.

"Their dalliance did not last long, a month perhaps. But at the end of it, she was carrying her child and Old Wickham was left to stand Moses.* None of us ever really knew what Old Wickham believed about the boy. Lavinia was content to allow him to believe the boy was his son. She had too much to lose if she confessed to her adultery. Her husband was not the kind of man who would suffer such a violation lightly. He would have divorced her for certain. But she was quick to let your father know, and held it over him all her remaining days."

Darcy pushed himself heavily to his feet, feeling the need to move, lest the tension become unbearable. Purposefully, he walked to the window and gazed out a few moments. "I am relieved to know it was short lived. I do not think I could bear knowing he kept a mistress."

"He did not. After Lavinia informed him that she was with child, guilt consumed him. He realized the consequence of his actions, and it devastated him. He sank into a dark place, darker than your mother ever knew. He barely spoke to me in that time. When he did, he could only see how he had failed all those around him, his wife, his heir, and this natural child whom he could never acknowledge." Pressed by the tension himself, Bradley joined Darcy at the window.

The two men gazed out on the estate, appreciating the peaceful landscape before them.

"Your father was a man of good principles, Darcy. In his anger and unforgiveness, he allowed his baser nature to overcome those principles, but he had those principles nonetheless."

"I know, Bradley. I know. I think that is what makes this so hard. Because of that, this is so difficult to believe of him."

The vicar sighed thoughtfully. "Even with the best of principles in place, it still falls on us to follow them.

"Your mother finally returned home. She had been gone for well nigh three, or was it four, months? I do not know what happened while she was gone, but she was a changed woman when she returned. It was like the old Anne Darcy was back, according to your father. The first month she was back was wonderful.

"But your father was consumed with guilt. On my counsel, he confessed himself to your mother, fearing the worst, that she would leave him again and never return, but he could keep the secret no longer. The guilt was too much.

"She was very angry at first, very angry. She felt his betrayal most keenly. She could not accept what many wives tolerate with equanimity. But as we talked, she finally saw that she could continue in her anger and resentment and make that the picture of the rest of their lives, or she could forgive and try to rebuild what they once had."

"She chose to forgive him," Darcy said decisively, remembering his father's words. "He never understood how she could. I do not think he forgave himself. But the grace she extended him gave him the will to continue."

"Exactly, exactly." Bradley nodded emphatically. "That one decision your mother made changed the course of all of your lives. Slowly your father came back to himself, and they rebuilt the love they had tasted so early in their marriage. It was not easy, but together they created a marriage that few of their circle could understand. It was truly a love match, hard won to be sure. But one worth envying." [i]And many did.[/i]

Darcy raked his hair with his hands. "Now I am faced with the same decision, am I not?" He turned to face his vicar once more.

"Sadly, you are. He never forgave himself, and that devastated not only him, but left his natural son to pay the price as well." [i]How many times have I grieved that fact? I pray you will not follow in your father's path in this matter.[/i]

Silently Darcy strode to the bookcase, carefully choosing a particular journal from the shelf. Opening it, he read over the entry briefly. "He said that you told him that a father disciplines the son he loves. He wrote that you convinced him he did not really love George Wickham."

"That is true. He was manipulated by guilt where that boy was concerned, not love. He did that young man no favors by constantly giving in to his demands while putting no requirements on him. Had your father forgiven himself his own mistakes, I think he could have handled the boy more effectively."

"So now I am left to pay the price for both of them." A stain of anger colored Darcy's voice.

"I am afraid so, young master. No, it is not fair, but it is the way of things." Bradley moved from the window to lean on the edge of Darcy's heavy mahogany desk. "So what will you do with the legacy your father has left you?"

Carefully, the young gentleman returned the journal to the shelf. Turing deliberately toward Bradley, he said softly, "He would not have wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I must forgive him. That would also mean I must forgive Wickham as well." Darcy's demeanor suddenly changed as he began to pace angrily once again. "But how can I just allow him to walk away! After what he tried to do to my sister, how can you expect me to just let him go!"

After a long pause, Bradley replied, "I ask no such thing of you."

"You will tell me that the good Lord requires it of me. Turn the other cheek…" bitterness dripped from his words.

Again, the vicar allowed the words to hang long in the air before he finally responded. "I have said no such thing, and I will say no such thing, for it is not true."

Stunned, Darcy turned to face the older man.

"Forgiveness means that you release your right to judge him, and return it to the One who judges us all. It does not mean that you free him from the consequences of his actions. How would that be an act of love? Your father never loved this natural son of his, he never brought him under discipline. It was that which brought us to this place. You have the opportunity to right that wrong against young Wickham. Forgive him, but love him, and let him feel the consequences of his behavior." Bradley's voice was barely above a whisper now. "Right this wrong, and allow both of you a chance at a better future."

"You would not send him to dance on nothing.+" The words were more a statement than a question.

"Do his actions truly deserve that?" Bradley kept his tone carefully neutral.

[i]This would be far simpler if they did. But in reality he did little more than impose on us. I cannot justify his death on that alone.[/i] With a sad shake of his head, Darcy answered, "No, no they do not. But neither should he walk away."

"No, he should not. He must finally learn that we all must reap what we sow.^^" The vicar stared at the carpet. "There are no easy answers, I am afraid. I think we should speak to Edwards."

"Yes. Richard will be here soon, late tomorrow, I think. I sent for him last night."

"Good. I think that was wise."

"Cooperton too." Darcy pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the impending headache. "He lost two maids to Wickham's dalliances. He should speak to this as well."

"There is wisdom in a multitude of counsel, Fitzwilliam.++ There is no reason for you to try to do this alone." Bradley clapped the younger man's shoulder.

"For that I am truly grateful," Darcy sighed, the weight of his situation still heavy on him.

^Num 32:23

*To stand Moses: a man is said to stand Moses when he has another man's bastard child fathered upon him and he is obliged by the parish to maintain it:

** PR 3:12

+to dance on nothing- to be hanged

^^Gal 6:7

++Pv 15:22

So now Darcy knows the truth, but what will he do with it? [url=?showtopic=5716] comments and discussion here[/url]