29. Chapter 26: The way of a fool seem right

Ch 26: The way of a fool seems right to him

The carriage lurched and swayed over the muddy road. Deep ruts and potholes, filled with water from the recent rains, scarred the usually smooth surface.

"I do not remember the roads being so bad," Mr. Phillips muttered under his breath. Why am I always stuck with the worst of company when the roads are so difficult?

Mr. Collins turned pale and rapped on the roof. "Stop the coach, driver." The moment the vehicle stopped, the parson leapt from the door, dashing into the woods.

"Not again," Mr. Bennet groaned. "I have never met a man with so weak a constitution! It is a wonder he has lived so long." And a curse.

"People always live forever when there is an annuity to be paid them or an entail to be inherited." Phillips screwed his lips into a crooked frown and stared out the side glass.

Bennet pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. If I could just have the coachman go on and forget that odious man even exists .I know it is wrong to wish he might fall to highwaymen, and yet…

"What say you, shall we spare the horses and walk for a bit now that the road is heading uphill?" Edward Gardiner suggested.

"A capital idea!" Phillips declared, pushing open the door. "The fresh air will be quite welcome! I dare say it has been quite some time since our companion has bathed." His nose wrinkled tellingly.

"What was it his dear Lady patroness said?" Gardiner laughed, heaving himself from the coach. He shifted his posture, mimicking the great lady. "Mr. Collins, mark my words, avoid baths. Are you listening? Avoid them sir! They are dreadfully unhealthful things. They are, without a doubt, a dangerous practice, letting bad air into the body through the pores. It is one's clothes that must remain clean, for in their miasma, disease is found! I will be most seriously displeased if I find that you do not have your servant regularly washing your clothing. You must be an example to your parish."

Phillips and Bennet laughed heartily. "You are the very image of the mistress of Rosings Park! Best not allow Collins see you, lest he suffer an apoplexy." Bennet rolled his eyes and walked on to speak to the coachman.

"To imagine a woman with such ready opinions so uninformed…" Phillips shook his head.

"And so well perfumed!" Gardiner elbowed his brother. "I do not believe I have ever smelled such expensive perfume in such great quantities in all my life!" Nor do I have any wish to again.

"If only the daughter's scent did not clash so badly with the mother's!" Phillips waved his hand in front of his face, remembering.

Bennet returned. "As memorable as both those great ladies might be, their fragrance does not compare to what we are being forced to endure in this coach!"

"I do not envy you having to keep him under your roof." Phillips sniffed, then began walking after the coach. "His very scent alone is enough to trigger a fit of nerves in my dear sister!"

"Thank you again, Gardiner, for accompanying us back to Longbourn. I fear I shall need your assistance managing all that is likely to come from this unfortunate situation." Bennet removed his hat, raking his fingers through his hair. "Fanny's nerves shall indeed be vexed, I fear."

"I am glad to be of service to my sister and nieces." Gardiner nodded with a slight smile. "Besides, I am certain Madeline would be quite displeased if I left you alone to deal with a fool of that magnitude."

"It will be a pleasure to take that simpleton to court, Thomas," Phillips added. "I have dealt with many ignorant men in my day, but he is by far the worst. Truly, I cannot imagine how he ever made it through school enough for his japanning. I swear whatever bishop tested him must have been sleeping at the time! "

"You have been more than fair with the man," Gardiner assured. "Not one in a hundred would offer what you have. Nearly all would have gone directly to seek simple recovery. I believe you have acquitted yourself of any remorse you might have felt for the fate he might suffer for his losses in this situation. Moreover, he has the living in Kent. It is not as though he will be left in the hedgerows as my sister would say. If he cannot…" Heavy pounding footsteps and harsh panting cut off his words. "Mr. Collins."

Collins did not immediately answer, still trying to catch his breath. The portly man's round cheeks glowed red with exertion as sweat dripped down his face. "Beastly hot morning," he finally huffed.

"I find it quite comfortable," Bennet countered. "Actually, very typical for this time of year in this county. If you find it disagreeable, you do have the option to take another estate."

"My dear, Mr. Bennet," Collins moved to stand beside him, "surely you can see the wisdom in Lady Catherine's advice."

Behind them, Phillips and Gardiner rolled their eyes and shook their heads.

"'Mr. Collins,' she said, 'surely you cannot entertain the possibility of purchasing an estate as the nouveaux riche do. They are indeed the bane of good society. I will not hear of you joining their ranks. I will not have Rosings associated with such a person, most especially if he has within his grasp a way of acquiring an estate properly, through inheritance.' What a travesty it would be for a Lady of her station in life to be associated with…"

"I am quite aware of the grand lady's words," Mr. Bennet muttered through gritted teeth. "I was, after all, sitting there when she spoke them—several times. You are aware though of the great magnitude of loss you will suffer if you choose to heed her advice…"

"But was she not most condescending and gracious to offer us such an elegant solution?" Collins tried to interrupt. "Her great wisdom is without bounds, so cleverly has she contrived to meet all our considerations."

Bennet clenched his jaw, brows furrowing.

"You have five daughters, after all. 'Surely that is a sign from the Good Lord himself, is it not?' she said. Is it not clear then, that I should marry one of them and solve all our concerns so easily? 'I insist you chuse a gentlewoman, but your cousins are indeed that' she said. 'Let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman among your cousins, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.'

"You do realize, Mr. Bennet, that the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh is one of the many advantages it is within my power to offer one of your fair daughters. Her notice…"

Bennet stopped in his tracks, turning to Collins with a severe expression the likes of which neither Phillips nor Gardiner had ever seen. "Mr. Collins, let me make it perfectly clear to you. I have not promised any of my daughters to you, nor should anything I say be construed to mean such a promise. I shall not force any of them to marry outside of their own choosing."

"Certainly, good sir. I would not have you force them. But surely they will be able to see the elegance of my circumstance and the benefit to their family and choose wisely…" Collins stammered in protest.

Undaunted, Bennet continued, " My two eldest are particularly unsuited to be your wife, the eldest being too beautiful and the second, too strong willed. I…" he shook with rage, his voice deepening to a growl. "I forbid you from even considering Jane or Lizzy in your matrimonial quest. Under no circumstances will I ever give either of them permission to be your wife. Of the younger girls, they will have to convince me that they truly like you and wish to be your wife before I would ever consider any settlement you might offer them. The attentions of Lady Catherine de Bourgh are nothing to me."

Collins stared open mouthed at the ranting man.

"The only reason I agreed to have you at Longbourn is so you can see for yourself that you would be far better off accepting…"

"The more than generous offer my brother has made you," Gardiner cut in quickly, catching up to the angry pair. "Surely you can see the generosity and Christian decency that my brother has extended toward you in spite of the very material injury he and his family has suffered under…"

"Mr. Gardiner," Collins turned to him with a condescending smile, "you and your fine brother are tradesmen. You cannot be expected to understand the concerns of your superiors in standing. I am sure that you are well meaning, but you seem insensible to the gracious wisdom and consideration of my most esteemed patroness…"

"But we are not insensible to the very great insults you have offered us." Phillips interrupted, pushing his way into the group. He stared severely at the parson. "You may expect that while you are in Meryton, I will begin the paperwork with the courts so that…"

"No!" Collins shouted angrily, loudly enough that the driver turned back to stare. "That is not acceptable. Have you forgotten how adamantly Lady Catherine decreed that she would not tolerate anyone associated with Rosings having his name drug through the courts in such a disgraceful, common fashion? No, that option will not do at all. I will not have it."

Phillips laughed gruffly, "You do not have the authority to make that decision, Mr. Collins; nor does your revered Lady Catherine. It is, in fact, in Mr. Bennet's hands alone to choose his course."

"But certainly you would not condemn me to my patroness' censure?" he gasped, horrified.

"Yet, you have so easily stood by and watched your father condemn my family to…" Bennet's voice rose uncharacteristically.

"To what? You are the one who has had the estate when my father deserved…"

"Deserved nothing! What has he ever done to…" Bennet screwed his eyes shut and lifted his hands. "No, that is enough. I will not have this conversation. It is pointless. I have no intention of allowing this entail to continue. I offered you the most generous…" I wish I had never even considered that. I could have just had him served with papers and been done with this foul business!

"Indeed you have, dear sir," Collins' attitude suddenly shifted to something alarmingly like groveling. "But you must realize that I can do nothing to jeopardize the favor I have come to enjoy from my patroness. Surely you see that…"

"I most certainly do not. It has always been my understanding that a living was given for life. Short of you declining the living, there is little she can do to remove you from your position." Bennet glanced at his brothers for support.

"How can you ignore the deference and respect that is due her rank?"

"I am resolved to act in a manner which will, in my own opinion, constitute the greatest benefit to my family, without reference to any person so wholly unconnected with me. Her rank is nothing in my mind. She deserves no special honor or reverence at the cost of my family's well being.''

"You refuse to obey the claims of duty, honour, and gratitude. You are determined to ruin me in the opinion of my patroness, making me the contempt of the world!" Collins exclaimed in horror.

"Neither duty, nor honour, nor gratitude," replied Bennet, "have any possible claim on me, in the present instance. You have violated every one of those principles in your selfish refusal."

"And this is your real opinion? This is your final resolve!" The parson's eyes bulged as he breathed heavily. Very well. I shall know how to act. Do not imagine, Mr. Bennet, that your ambition will ever be gratified. I came to try you. I hoped to find you reasonable; but, depend upon it, I will carry my point.

.

The carriage pulled into a coaching inn near dinner time. Rubbing his temples, Bennet said, "I shall inform the driver that our stop here will be of some duration. I have no wish to wolf down another meal today."

"But my dear, Mr. Bennet," Collins immediately protested, "will not such a stop jeopardize our arrival in Meryton today? If we press on…"

"No, no, I quite agree," Phillips cut him off. "In fact, I insist that we seek lodgings here for the night."

"You surely cannot be serious!" Collins dabbed at his face with his handkerchief. "Another day in this infernal…"

"I will be very happy to secure you transportation back to Kent in the morning, sir," Bennet retorted.

Collins swallowed uneasily. "Are the roads the rest of the way…"

"Quite likely to be as bad or worse than those we have already traversed." Phillips nodded at his brother. "The recent storms have spent their wrath upon them for sure. Perhaps it is the Good Lord's way…"

"You see that travel does not agree with you," Gardiner observed. "You realize that if you try to maintain both your living in Kent and Longbourn someday, you will be required to make this trip regularly."

Collins winced and swallowed hard. "Excuse me, gentlemen!" He sputtered and jumped from the still moving coach, hurrying off behind the inn.

"I still do not understand how you can possibly be related to that man!" Phillips muttered.

"He is a distant cousin, and not distant enough if you ask me." Bennet removed his hat to mop his brow. "I know Longbourn is expecting us today, but being in his company even this long has me spent. I am afraid I must sound a bit like my dear Fanny now, but my nerves!"

The brothers shared a rueful laugh.

"Do you think Fanny will be able to tolerate him staying with you? I know she is still quite sensitive…" Gardiner asked more seriously. She is barely easy with me staying there with them. I fear I cannot blame her though.

"I am honestly worried, Edward." Bennet replaced his hat. "Obviously, I have not spoken to her these last three weeks. But she was quite unwell when I left." He sighed heavily.

"Perhaps I might persuade him to stay with Mrs. Phillips and myself for a few days before he proceeds to Longbourn. That would give you time to prepare Fanny for company, or arrange for her to make a visit of her own."

"I say, David, that is a good idea. What say you to suggesting a trip to London for Fanny and one or two of the girls? Madeline would certainly love their company. It has been quite some time since your wife has stayed with us," Gardiner suggested hopefully. "I can send my man with them. I can certainly do without him that long."

Bennet's face brightened. "If Fanny is well enough to travel, that would be an ideal solution. She is fragile right now, and I do fear that that infernal fool will be more than she can tolerate." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Yes, I believe that would do very well. If you can keep him until I have Fanny removed from Longbourn, I would be deeply in your debt, David."

"Consider it done then." Phillips laughed to himself. "I will tell him that my wife must simply be the first in town to hear of the wonders of Rosings Park. I am sure he will feel compelled to stay and pontificate on his favorite topic!" It would be a relief to be of some material service to you after all that has happened.

They laughed loudly. Gardiner opened the door of the coach and they exited. Following brief words with the driver, they made their way into the inn. After they made arrangements for their lodgings, they sat in the parlor, waiting for their rooms to be readied.

"So, which of the girls will accompany Fanny, Thomas?" Gardiner asked, reaching for his cup of tea.

"I have already told the fool that Jane and Lizzy are off limits, so I think they may safely remain. Moreover, I believe I will need them to manage the house in Fanny's absence. Lizzy sent on a letter to me from Colonel Forster in which he intimated that Lydia might be wearing out her welcome with them. I do believe that she has found the life of an officer's wife to be something less than she expected it would be.

"Lydia does so lift Fanny's spirits. I believe I might send for her as soon as we return. They can go on together to London. Lydia favors her mother too much in looks and liveliness. I fear that might draw too much attention from my noxious cousin. I do not trust that man."

"I am glad to hear it, Thomas." Phillips set his tea cup softly on the table. "I did not like the look on his face when you informed him that you did not care for Lady Catherine's dictates. There was something in his eyes that I do not trust either."

"I saw it too," Bennet agreed softly, his eyes darting toward the door.

"Mr. Bennet!" Collins dropped heavily into a soft chair. "The inn keeper said that you had not arranged a room for me here. Surely he must have simply overlooked your instructions."

With a saccharine smile, Bennet shook his head. "Oh no, good cousin, he was quite correct. My brothers and I made our arrangements, but felt that you would prefer to make your own. I have no idea what accommodations might be acceptable, or even appropriate, for the parson of the right Lady Catherine de Bourgh. I know that you could not stay in rooms too low for your station lest you defame her ladyship, neither could you stay in rooms too high. I felt that you alone must chuse precisely what distinction of room would be proper for a gentleman such as yourself. I dare say she must have already given you painstaking instruction in the matter." Lifting his teacup, he quirked an eyebrow calmly.

"Why of course, you are indeed all that is thoughtful and courteous, Mr. Bennet. I could hardly have thought otherwise. I will go to the inn keeper now and explain to him my circumstances, so that I may identify exactly the accommodations I require. I am certain you left him a coin…"

"Oh, no, Mr. Collins. I would not dream of doing such a thing. I would not dare risk implying that the parson of Lady Catherine is so poor that he cannot afford his own lodgings! I could not risk the possibility of disgracing her so."

Collins stared openmouthed at him for a long moment. "Of course not. I had not considered the possibility. I am afraid this disagreeable carriage ride has left me quite dull indeed, that I might overlook such a matter. I am indeed fortunate to be traveling with such a considerate companion." Mopping his brow once again, he rose. "Excuse me, while I seek out the inn keep."

The brothers kept silent until he left the room, the door closing solidly behind him. Phillips was the first to laugh, quickly followed by the others.

"I dread introducing him to our curate, Mr. Pierce." Bennet exchanged a knowing glance with Phillips. "But I cannot imagine how such a thing is to be avoided."

"Indeed, I can hardly think of two men more dissimilar." Phillips nodded vigorously. "He is not one to suffer fools gladly, particularly when they come in the form of men of the cloth."

"That sounds like a curate Madeline and I once knew." Gardiner smiled to himself. "It would truly have been interesting to see how he would have reacted to our Mr. Collins."