29. I Want To Hold Your Hand

I suppose I didn't realise it but I never thought it was possible. I didn't realize it was happening until it was too late…. Until I'd already….. Without being aware of it… Without even knowing it….. Before I knew what was happening….

I don't remember what it was like before you now.

Simon brought me straight back to the hotel. Out of literally the blue my chest began hurting- like really hurting. He waited outside my hotel room for me to change into my pyjamas, then he came back inside. The duke tucked me into bed all warm and snug. While I was feeling better- well, maybe not better per se, but more restful- he was still in a protective state of mode. My eyes opened wide at the sensation of his palm suddenly over top my forehead.

My heartbeat at a rapid pace. H-He's touching me! Simon's got his hand on me! It sounds totally insane but I remember each and every time we've ever physically touched each other. The first time was him taking my hand- twice- the night Nigel assaulted me. Then there was him wrapping the Band-Aid around my finger in the bookstore, though we didn't really "touch" then. The last time was at the train station, when I helped him put his bracelet on. My eyes glanced up the sleeve of his shirt. He was still wearing it, the charm bracelet I gave him….

While I was inwardly blushing to the moon and back, Simon acted like it was no big deal. He put his hand over my forehead, then he removed it to check his own forehead immediately after. His eyes arched in a perplexed way. "Hmmmmm, I can't tell if you have a fever. Let me go get your thermometer," he was about to head into the bathroom. But I shook my head softly. "Don't bother. Even if it is a fever, it'll go away soon. This happens from time to time," while I meant this to be reassuring, Simon sent me a distressed look.

"Don't do that." "What?" I blinked slightly confused. "Don't make light of your situation. You always do that, and it drives me crazy." "What do you mean? No, I don't. Well, I mean… maybe. But if I do, it's only because I've lived with this my whole life. I know what's going to happen." "No, you don't. Edmund didn't know what would happen to him," he countered severely. "Daddy had an accident. He didn't die solely from his heart condition," though it was quickly deteriorating by the end. "And why did the accident happen? You have to take better care of yourself, Daphne. Be alert when you're outside alone; drink water constantly; and rest if and when your body needs it. I don't…. I don't want to see anything happen to you," he sounded sad in his last sentence. My eyes lowered onto him. Simon…. "Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to me, I promise. You just haven't been around long enough to see that this sort of thing is normal. But I'll get better- I always do." "Daphne…." Simon softened his gaze onto me. I let out a gentle sigh. Despite everything that's happened, I actually feel pretty good right now. Emotionally, not physically I mean.

His shoulders visibly relaxed- a bit. "How are you feeling now? Does your chest still hurt?" "A little. It should be better by the morning." "I've called Anthony. He said he'll check-in in the morning." "Thank you for doing that. You know how he worries….." "Can't say I blame him," the duke muttered under his breath. Simon sighed and proceeded to sit down on the floor next to my bed. I blinked to him.

"What are you going to do now?" "Huh?" Simon also blinked over his shoulder at me. "Now, I mean." "What are you talking about? You're still in pain- I'm going to stay here." My heart skipped countless beats. I can't help it, when he says things like this…. My lips parted a sliver. "So… You'll stay then?" "Course! I mean…. Do you want me to stay?" He was legitimately asking me. I watched him for a moment; my lips morphing to a thin, genuine line. Why do I feel so safe and happy whenever he's nearby? No one's ever made me feel the way he does before. I want to keep him close; I want to make him smile a lot.

I want so much for him to be so supremely happy.

Feeling tears forming in the corners of my eyes, all my head could do was nod. I was afraid to say much just then, lest I start crying for real. "Yes… Stay. Stay with me….. Please," I want you to stay.

Simon stared my way for the longest time, his eyes fixated on my honest expression. Eventually he nodded, having to pull his eyes away from mine; I think he was under the impression they revealed too much emotion right then. "I'll stay…. I'll stay for as long as you need me."

That's when it hit me like a speeding train. Oh god… Oh god, I'm selfish! I'm so incredibly selfish! It's almost midnight, and here I am asking him to stay up for who knows how long with me. I didn't want to hold him here against his will, though I knew he'd never me that was the case. Embarrassed, I pulled the blanket to cover the top part of my face so he couldn't see my lips tremble. I want him to stay, but only if he wants to.

"I-I'm sorry, Simon. I-It's late, and you must be tired. You don't…. have to stay if you don't want to," I probably sound like some wishy-washy teenage girl who's talking to her first crush, and well…. Yeah. Simon's head shot back to me in surprise. "What are you talking about? Of course I want to stay! I don't mind staying up, if that's what you need." "But I want you to stay up all night on my account," I gently countered. He thought for a minute. "Then how about I stay until you fall asleep?" "Til I fall asleep?" I repeated, blinking. He nodded a little. "I'll stay, until you're fast asleep. And your phone's still beside your bed, so you can call me if you wake up and need anything." "Simon…." My eyes lowered onto him.

I rolled onto my back next to face the ceiling and his head turned forward to face the wall. A moment of quiet filled the air all throughout my room. I sighed deeply. "Simon?" "Hmmmmm?" "Do you ever think you'll fall in love?" Another long pause. "Why do you ask?" "I've never been in love before." "I know. Me neither." "How do you think someone would know if they're in love?" I asked him. He considered this briefly. "Well I don't think you "know"…. I imagine it's just a feeling, like anything else. Happiness, sadness, anger…. You don't choose to "love" anyone; it's just sorta happens on its own," he said with such sincerity. I peered at the back of his head through the corner of my eye. It just sorta happens on its own, huh?

"Daddy always told me love had nothing to do with marriage." "My dad said the same thing." "Marriage is for status and the generation of wealth," my eyes lowered. "Marriage is for the production of children," I'm sure his eyes lowered too. "Then… what's love for? What's the purpose of falling in love?" I asked into the void. Simon took his time with this, eventually spinning his head to look back at me. His stare then…. It made every fibre in my body vibrate.

"I don't know. I don't know…. Or at least, I used to not know." Simon! My eyes widened- like, a lot. My mouth fell open on its own accord. Simon's eyes locked onto mine. "You are the easiest person in the world to be with, Daphne; even when it's not easy. I never asked for any of this, yet here we are…." "Here we are," my words were soft and soulful. Simon smiled my way in a tender fashion.

"You should get some sleep." "Ok. Are you…. going to stay then?" The duke nodded. "I'll stay, until you've fallen asleep." "How will I know when you've left?" I asked. He thought about it, then flashed me another glorious grin. "I'll hold your hand." "Huh?!" I don't think my cheeks could have burned redder. But he merely nodded once more, stretching his hand up towards me on the bed. "I'll hold your hand until you're sleeping. I'll let go… when I leave." Us? H-Hold hands? Why does this feel so wrong…. and so right in so many ways?! Do I want to hold his hand? Do I want to hold Simon's hand? I knew this was a bad idea since my heart would be so insanely loud. And yet… And yet…. I knew it was a bad idea but a part- a very large part- didn't frankly care. Who cares about what's right or wrong? What about what I want? I want…. I want….

I want to hold his hand.

With more shyness than I've ever done anything in my life, my uninjured hand slipped out from under the covers, grabbing onto his. His long, slender fingers curled protectively around my palm. I blushed even more, practically hiding my face with the covers. He chuckled, turning his head back forward and shutting his eyes. I felt his hand give mine a squeeze. "Have a good sleep, Daphne." "Good night, Simon…" Good night…

Words cannot describe how good it felt to be so near to him, to hold his hand in mine like that. I fell to sleep astonishingly quick; I rarely ever fall asleep that fast, especially when I'm in pain. I guess it's because I felt safe….. Safer than I'd ever before when falling to sleep. I don't remember Simon letting go of my hand after that. The last thing I recall from that night is the sensation of Simon's hand- his soft, silky skin- against mine, and how I didn't know that holding hands with someone…. could be such a magical, life-changing experience.

Little did either of us know that this was the night where everything would change going forward. Nothing would ever be the same after tonight. The floodgates had been opened and there was no shutting them. But then, there's always a calm before a storm. Simon had a vow he was determined to keep, and I had a marriage clause still looming over my head. These were facts of life we couldn't ignore anymore, try as we might have before. And that wasn't all either. Yes, a storm was indeed coming.

And his name was Friedrich.