38. A Future On The Horizon

When did I learn I could love someone from afar?

Oh yes, I remember. It was back when I was young, seven or so years old….

Great Uncle Arthur had just had a huge fight with Grandfather about something. I was too young to understand but this was well after the time my fear of Grandfather had been cemented. Uncle lived in London near us as far as I could remember. He never married or had children of his own, always saying that Daddy and us were enough for him. He left everything to Daddy when he died, determined our grandfather wouldn't see a pence of it. But that was still a year off.

Unlike Daddy who favoured me and Grandfather who favoured Anthony- and despised me- Great Uncle Arthur seemed to care for all his nieces and nephews equally, which was easy since Daddy was an only child. Isn't that ironic? Unlike our father, we rarely mentioned Uncle in conversation; probably because the younger kids never got to meet him. It's too bad really because he was a great influence on my life. Truthfully I don't have too many memories of him myself either, but I do have some, and they're quite impactful. Most of my fondness thoughts are overtaken now by Daddy, but he sneaks in from time to time. I could never forget Great Uncle Arthur, even if he did leave my life too soon. Not unlike another family member I loved dearly.

I was seven years old when Daddy told me that Great Uncle would be moving to Europe. No, actually; I think it was Grandfather who told me. He said it in such a way he knew it would hurt me, and he was successful. I cried for days, begging Uncle not to leave. Even Daddy was sad to see him go. Uncle was nothing like his older brother; it was clear Daddy took after him much more, enraging Grandfather. He never saw any potential in his brother, Daddy, or me. It wasn't until I was a teenager that Daddy told me Uncle moved because of that big fight he had with our grandfather; that was the last straw on the camel's back apparently.

I clung onto Uncle, incessantly pleading with him not to go. He hugged me back, reassuring me we'd see each other again soon. He then told me that Europe was the perfect place to escape the family- something I remembered. Then his face grew serious for a moment as he tugged me away from shoulder so our eyes could meet. "I know it's hard, but don't forget what Grand-dad told you earlier. You know what kind of monster he is. Men like him see you as nothing but a pawn- something to be pushed around and ignored. They want to control you, just like Grand-dad. Everything you are, everything you have will be theirs one day. The only thing they can't take from you is your education; that'll be yours forever. Remember that going forward."

Tears fell down my cheeks uncontrollably. "Please don't leave. I don't want you to go!" He smiled, brushing my loose hair behind my little ear. "If you ever want to find me, then come to the mainland. That's my safe haven from all of this bullshit; it could be yours too one day." "Really?" My eyes widened a little. Uncle's head nodded. "Yup! Hell, I'll even take you traveling around with me, when you're older. We'll go to Paris and see the Eifel Tower, and walk through the tulips in Holland, and eat Belgium waffles in Brussels. We'll do it all someday, Daph; just you wait. Until then,

Europe is where I'll be."

And I never saw him again.

I had just finished that "fight" with Simon and was marching back over to our table. But something made me stop on the way back. Curiously, for some strange reason I suddenly felt better- like a lot better. And I don't think it's because I told him off either. I think it's actually cause I got to see him, hear the sound of his voice again. Huh. Even when I'm furious at him and all heart-broken like I am, I still…. It still brings me so much joy simply to be near him. The more I thought about it, the less angry or sad I was. It's like I got it all off my chest and could finally breathe again. Breathe and enjoying being in his presence….

All of this was confirmed when I glanced over to our table where no one was sitting yet; they were still getting food. I could pick Simon's chair out by his coat resting on the back of it. My lips parted a little. This waiter suddenly rushed by in such a hurry that he accidently knocked over Simon's fork which was sitting a little too close to the edge of the table. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it land on the floor underneath his chair. I stood there like an idiot, staring at this discarded fork for a second.

All of a sudden, out of the blue, I thought of my great uncle. I hadn't thought about Great Uncle Arthur in a while now. Funny, I thought about him all the time back in Brussels but not so much when I'm here in London. He died in a motorcycle accident when I was eight years old; that prompted Daddy to finally sell his bike. Grandfather refused to pay for his body to be retrieved or have a funeral for him back in the UK, so he was buried in Salzburg somewhere. That was the first place I visited when I went to Austria, though I never told anyone about it before. I just sat by my uncle's tiny tombstone for hours, gazing up at the sky and reminiscing.

I never stopped loving him. I guess along the way I forgot how much I did love Uncle- it probably happened around the time Daddy had his accident. Missing Uncle was just a fact of life for me, just like missing Daddy is now too. But I learned to continue loving Uncle while he was away, when he first moved to Europe. He was the first person I cherished from afar, and now I'm so thankful for that. It proved to me that I can love someone from a distance, even romantically so.

It hit me like a speeding train just then: the realization that I don't have to force myself to stop loving Simon. I can love him from afar, until this flame in me fades….. whenever and if ever that might be. But just like when Uncle was gone, that doesn't mean I have to be miserable. I can love Simon and still do what I can to make myself happy. I still have my friends and family….. I love them as well, just like how I still love Daddy and Uncle- even though I know they're never coming back. My hand rose up to my chest. Simon may never come back to me, and I have to become somehow ok with that. But that doesn't mean I have to stop loving or caring for him. Not now or ever. I've never quashed a love I've had before and I wasn't about to try.

Smiling for the first time since I entered the dining hall, I proceeded to go over to pick Simon's dirty fork off the ground. Seeing as there were no immediate replacements nearby, I gave him my untouched fork instead. I didn't want to come back to the table only to find he didn't have a fork. Now it may seem like a small, inconsequential jester, but it meant everything to me just then. It was paramount, as if confirming that I could hold onto my love and that was alright.

I'm allowed to love whomever I please, near or far.

Feeling all the better and honestly lighter, I went to fetch myself my own plate of food- and another fork along the way. On the way back I ran into Friederich; Anthony had returned to talk to Simon. The prince smiled at me and I smiled back, not feeling so shy and unsure around him anymore. He walked up to where I was standing.

"There you are. I was wondering where you ran off to." "Sorry. I didn't mean to leave you along with my brother for so long." He shrugged. "Not at all; he's good company. Glad I'll be joining you guys." I grinned but didn't say anything. Friederich lead me back to our table, to which we were the first ones back. The prince set down his plate and pulled out my chair for me. I looked at him while sitting down; the suspicion in my gut was starting to grow. Friederich sat down beside me and glanced my way almost immediately. Our eyes locked for a second. Just the way he always looked at me….. like he was trying to figure me out. And I think he was starting to catch on.

"Shall we?" Friederich referred to digging into our food. My eyes sharpened slightly; my arms rested on the table. "Ok, what are you up to?" "I beg your pardon?" "I don't mean to be rude, but you've been very forward with me since we met. I've lived in Europe; I know what European men are like. You're not the first European to talk to me this way." "Meaning?" His eyebrow raised. He wasn't frowning, but instead smirking, like he was actually enjoying this interrogation. Like he found it amusing of all things. My eyes lowered onto him in a serious fashion. "You know what I mean."

Friederich chuckled to himself, turning his head forward while he reached for his glass of water. "You're smarter than I thought." "I am in Masters," I smirked as well. He shook his head. Then he took a sip of water and looked me straight in the eye again. "There's no fooling you, I see. Heh, your right: I do want something." "Money?" Friederich chuckled again, leaning his head in closer to mine. "I have plenty of my own money. No, what I have in mind is much more…. intimate, if you catch my drift." Our eyes locked once more. My mouth opened a sliver.

"Well I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm already in love with someone else." But Friederich simply grinned at this. "Oh I love competition, and I'm a patient man- I can wait." "But…. why me? You barely even know me…." "I can tell with people; it's a gift. I don't need all the details; one look at you and I know you. Let's just say I'm bored, and I think you'll be a fun distraction while I'm here, Miss Bidgerton." I smiled. The cheek was more amusing than intimidating now. Actually, the more time I spent with Friederich, the more he started to grow on me. He reminded me a bit of Howl from Howl's Moving Castle, if Howl was more of a rack. It's clear to me that he's only interested in me cause I'm not interested in him. I could see us actually being friends, if he wasn't so…. himself. Still, I decided to relent and enjoy his company for now. Might as well get some good out of today. "Whatever you say, your majesty." "You'll see, baby girl. You'll come around; they always do." "You are experienced, aren't you?" Perhaps I shouldn't have said this out loud. But he merely responded with a light-hearted laugh. "I thought you said you were shy." "You said that." I only blushed when his fingers reached up to brush some hairs off my cheek. "Heh, yes, I did, didn't I? You're right; I have my reasons for talking to you- there's something I want.

And I have a feeling you're going to give it to me."

My mouth opened to respond but by then, the rest of my family arrived at the table; Simon was also among them. Anthony smiled at us, Simon looked more unimpressed than ever, and the rest of my sibling- minus Eloise and Francesca- were more than a little confused. Gregory, rather rudely, pointed to Friederich. "Who's this?" "He's Prince Friederich of Bavaria," Anthony answered, taking a seat to my other side. "Did you say "prince"?!" Colin gasped. "Yes. He'll be joining us for brunch this morning," our eldest brother replied. "Uh oh," Eloise uttered under her breath. I knew what she was worried about, but there was no risk of me marrying Friederich. Not when I'm still in love with…

Simon sat opposite me from across the table. It was the exact opposite setup to our first dinner together. We glanced at one another, then instantly turned down to our plates. I did smile inwardly a bit however when he picked up his clean fork. Everyone sat down, there was a Father's Day announcement at the front of the dining hall, and then everyone was permitted to start eating after the queen took her first bite. No one at our table said anything right away, just quietly nibbling on our own meals and gazing at each occasionally. It was Colin who elected to break the increasingly uncomfortable silence.

"So, anyone gonna tell us why there's a prince sitting at our table?" "Colin Bridgerton!" Anthony was not happy by his blatancy. "What?! We're supposed to ignore the fact that a foreign royal is sitting with us beside our sister? Oh…" He let out after pausing for a minute. I rolled my eyes. "Honestly, Colin!" "Well that's one way to move to Europe permanently," he shrugged. Anthony, Simon, and I all glared at him fuming. "It's not like that! His majesty and I just happened to meet outside the palace- that's all!" "Uh huh, yeah, sure. I'm sure Lady Whistledown will see it that way," he countered. Friederich blinked confused. "That gossip on twitter? You follow that dude?" "It really is a guy?!" I gasped shocked. I mean, I thought it was a man but hearing confirmation of it was alarming, especially considering the stuff he rights. Friederich seemed a bit taken back by this; his eyes widening a little. "Oh, that's right. You don't know who it is. Nothing; forget I said anything." "You really know who it is?" Francesca leaned in closer excitedly. Anthony shook his head, sighing.

"Alright, enough of this. Tell us more about you, your grace. Your aunt said you're attending university?" Our brother then asked the prince. He wiped his mouth with his napkin. "That's right. I'm currently getting my PhD in mathematics at Ludwig-Maximillian University of Munich." I nearly choked on the strawberry I was currently chewing on. Everyone looked at me almost hack up a lung on the table. Anthony, Friederich, and Simon were particularly worried. "Hey, baby sis- you ok?" But the moment I could breathe again, my head shot over in Friederich's direction; eyes gigantic. "LMU?! You go to LMU?!" After a second, he smiled at me. "This impresses you?" And realizing what I'd just done, my cheeks blushed as I tore my gaze back down to the plate in front of me.

Friederich laughed. "I'm only going there cause I got a scholarship." That literally helps nothing. He went on. "KU Leuven is a good school too though. What are you studying?" "M-Medieval lyrical poetry," I shyly replied, still not looking at him. How could I? He's a prince and he's studying mathematics at one of the best universities in Europe- with a scholarship! Of course I was going to feel all intimidated all over again; he was living my dream, after all.

Sensing me pull back, Friederich relaxed his posture in his chair a little. He grinned my way, intertwingling his fingers on his lap. "That's interesting." "Is it?" Colin muttered under his breath, to which we all ignored. "Who's your supervisor," the prince proceeded to ask me. I squirmed a tiny bit in my seat awkward. "Dr. Maxime Grinds." "Dr. Grinds?!" He sounded surprised- in a good way. "You've heard of him?" This made my head spin a tiny bit toward him. "I've read a couple of his articles; he's very good. Have you been contacted by any schools about PhD yet?" "O-Oh, no! No, not yet….. I don't know if any will…." My eyes lowered slightly. He smiled warmly at me.

"They will."

He said this, and our eyes met again. I had realized what I was doing just then; not until Eloise pointed it out. "You're blushing, Daph." "I am?!" Suddenly all embarrassed, my hands flew up to my face. Friederich laughed; Simon did not. Anthony's eyes drifted between the prince and me, once again in that thoughtful manner of his. You can hear the wheels spin in his head. This was confirmed when he stood up and urged everyone else to do the same. "Come on, you guys. Let's go get some dessert," he meant everyone but me and Friederich, of course. I was about to decline until my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I usually left it at home during functions like this, but ever since I applied to Amsterdam I'd kept it on my person on vibration-mode at all times. I discreetly checked the screen, only for my heart to leap at the sight of Dr. Pillar's name. Everyone watched me practically lung out of my chair, clenching my phone in my right hand. "Excuse me for a minute!" Not waiting for any of them to reply, I ran out into the hall where there was no one around before clicking "answer". All of this took place in the span of thirty seconds, give or take.

"Dr. Pillar! Hello! How are you?" "Good! You alright, dear? You sound out of breath." "Y-Yes! Yes, I'm fine! I'm fine. Just… having breakfast with my family." "Ah, good. Sorry for calling you on a Sunday." "Oh no! No trouble at all!" I was just so happy to hear from her again. She took an audible breath. "Well I'm just calling to let you know that the University of Amsterdam emailed me asking for a reference." My jaw began to drop. "They did…?" "Mmhmm. Looks like they're really considering your application." Oh… Oh my god. Oh my god! "You should hear about an interview within the next week or two- assuming they schedule you for one." "I uh….. I just uh…" There were no words right now. It was like becoming lighter than air in the blink of an eye; like the door to my future slowly cracking open in front of my eyes.

"Don't worry, Daphne. We'll go over all that interview stuff if and when the time comes. You have nothing to be afraid of." "I'm not afraid. I'm just… I can't believe it. I can't believe…." It could really be a reality for me. Like really! She chuckled on her end of the line. "Alright, I just wanted to let you know. Keep me up-to-date, hey?" "I will! I will… Oh, thank you, Dr. Pillar; thank you so much! I can't tell you how much this means to me!" "You're welcome. If anyone deserves the position, it's you." "Oh, I don't know…." "I do. Now go finish breakfast with your siblings." "Ok, thanks again, professor." "Alright then. Talk to you soon." "Talk to you soon! Have a good day!" Click!

I stood there stiff as a statue. Both my hands held onto my phone for what felt like dear life. My head was tilted upwards so I was staring at the bend between the wall and the ceiling. I forgot to breathe for a hot minute, eventually letting my lips part on their own will. This most relieved, joyous exhale left my entire body. "Did you hear that, Daddy?" PhD may be a reality for me….. My dream may come true, after all. Here I come, Uncle Arthur; here I come. And then this glorious smile spread across my face. It was honestly akin to being like a bird fresh in flight. I was a living rendition of that Mary Poppin's song "Let's Go Fly A Kite". I was a kite! Yes, indeed- flight was possible for me and my ticket was the pencil I wrote my dissertation with. Metaphorical pencil, that is. All I knew was that I might have a future, and it's one I actually really want!

Oh god, there are no words to describe how much I wanted this.

Forgetting about practically everything else in my life, I re-entered the dining hall with this skip to my step. I was beaming ear-to-ear, singing softly to myself. "Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height. Let's go fly a kite, and send it soaring!" Of course I only sang loud enough so I could hear. By the time I reached the table again, everyone was back at the buffet and mingling with the other guests. I paused by my chair to put my phone into my spring jacket. This smile I was wearing just wouldn't leave my face. I was so happy and couldn't imagine anything here in England which would entice me to stay if I got the offer.

Or that was until I looked forward, only to see a glass of water resting beside my plate on the table. Huh, where'd that come from? It wasn't there when I left the room. It must have been Anthony or…. I immediately froze, keeping my eyes glued on the fresh glass of water. My lips opened a tad again; I reached over to pick it up, not taking a drink from the cup. Only then did my grin began to fade. If he loved me then that'd be a different story. But there's nothing that can keep me here in the UK now, is there? My fingers clenched the glass in my hand.

Is there?