40. More Of Her In My Veins Than Blood

[It still feels like the most natural thing in the world, having her nearby.

I look at her from time to time and can't help but think, had I made a mistake?

A terrible mistake?]

"When did you fall in love with Troubadourian poetry?" I looked over to Simon from my book. He was sitting on the sofa across from the armchair where I was currently doing some research. The duke popped by for some tea and biscuits this afternoon; this was back in April sometime before we went to Edinburgh. My eyes scrolled up to him and I smiled. "You know, I don't really remember. I think…. I think it started the first time I was exposed to continental medieval history," my book lowered onto my lap, closing a little. Simon's eyebrow perked up. "Oh?" I nodded, then gazed at the fireplace. "Daddy took me to Paris for a weekend when I was sixteen years old. It was right after we learned about my condition. I think it was his way of making it up to me." "You mean his passing it onto you?" He inquired, making me looking back his way again. My head slowly, sadly nodded up and down.

The duke watched me for a minute, his finger coming to rest overtop his bottom lip. Eventually and to my mild surprised, he smiled at me- a real, sincere smile. God, each time he does that I'm reminded of just how much I adore that gorgeous grin of his.

His head lowered slightly, but he still didn't say anything. I too, cracked a grin, cocking my head a little. "What?" "Oh, nothing. I was just noticing…. You wear this sort of expression on your face when you read." "I do?!" This made me perk up surprised; no one had ever told me that before. Still smiling, Simon gently nodded; his eyes didn't break apart from mine. "It's your smile, I think. You're no stranger to smiling; you're always wearing that goofy, happy grin of yours. But when you're reading or looking at something you're interested in…. your face changes somewhat." "Oh…. I hope it's not in an ugly way," I tried to stay light-hearted about it, not quite sure how to feel about what he was saying. But he merely chuckled to himself. His forefinger ran across his lips again.

"Not at all. It's lovely; just…. lovely in a way that's different than I'm used to." "Really? How so?" This caught my undivided attention. The duke considered for a minute, his gaze wandering out a little. "It's like…. you're happy, you're enjoying whatever it is you're looking at. But you're also trying to grasp it- intellectually, I mean. It's like what you're studying brings you joy, and at the same time you're doing your best to understand." That's when his eyes drifted up to meet mine again. Our stares fastened tight. "It's different, is all I mean. It's no wonder you want to go into PhD. You're clearly smart- like really smart. When you look at something, I can tell you're working things out. You have that sort of mind, and it's fascinating to watch it work from an outsider's perspective."

All I could do was gawk at the duke, completely dumbstruck. No one- literally no one- had ever said anything remotely like that to me before. I had no idea I looked like that when I studied! Though I suppose it makes sense considering that I am sort-to-speak…. working things out. Before I knew it, I was already blushing. I had to peer down to the book in my lap, lest I blush even harder. My hands twiddled a tad, all shy and embarrassed now.

"W-Well thank you. I think you're really smart too, Simon." "Ah, I can't hold a candle to you," he shrugged. My head shot up his way. "Course you can! You went to Oxford! You don't get into Oxford if you're an idiot." He looked at me, then smiled. His cheek rested on the palm of his hand as he simply watched me… watched me in the most effortlessly way imaginable. "True, but I didn't go because of my love of learning. You're different; you must see that. But it's a good kind of different- the kind I have a lot of admiration for. I admire you, Daphne.

I really do."

By the time the three of us got back to the dining room, brunch was over and everyone was mingling about. Our siblings, Simon, or the prince were nowhere to be seen; they must be elsewhere in the palace. I excused myself from my sisters and began wandering down the halls alone in search of Prince Friederich.

Now, I honestly had no idea what my plan was. Should I be honest and simply tell him the truth? No, course not! I barely know the man. But then again, he does know that my heart already belongs to someone else and he doesn't seem too bothered by that. Maybe I should be a little forthcoming. The worst he could do is say "no", in which case I haven't really lost anything. I nibbled my lower lips in contemplation, turning a corner to a long stretch of barren hallway.

But really… Do I want to marry Prince Friederich? He lives in Germany and is a direct descendent from Sissi's line. He's going to school in Munich, so he probably wouldn't have any problem with me going to PhD anywhere on the continent. Even if I didn't get into Amsterdam, I could apply everywhere: Paris, Vienna, Florence, Berlin, Rome, Barcelona. The options are literally endless, and I would be very happy at any of those school. Recalling my time in Vienna made me grin to myself. Very, very happy.

But what about after PhD? I guess I'd have to move to Germany with my new husband, if that's where he'd want to settle down. He's a member of German royalty, which means I'd be back in the line light again; something I desperately tried to escape when moving to Brussels. I hate being the centre of attention and in everyone's business, but I suppose being a princess means that's just a fact of life. On top of which, there's the fact I can't give him an heir. One of his siblings or their children will inherit our titles and estates when we die. Would the prince be ok with that? What would his family say? There's just so much to think about! I let out a frustrated sigh. Ugh! I shouldn't be concerned with all this right now! I have a dissertation I should be working on! That should be and is my top priority. Still…. I hesitated. There's no harm in at least talking to Prince Friederich; not now that I might get a call to setup an interview this or next week from the University of Amsterdam. Eloise is right; it's time I start getting serious about my future, since I can already start to see it dawn on the horizon.

I rounded another corner and it was like a pulse suddenly radiating through my body. My speed slowed down as my hand lifted to rest against the wall. I know it sounds stupid but for the briefest of seconds it was as if I was transported back to the city streets of Brussels. That feeling, that horrific sensation permeated every inch of me. It was like I back in Brussels and someone was following me.

I hadn't felt that way in months; it'd been so long that it caught me by surprise, or rather alarm. I couldn't see anyone, but you know the feeling- you know when it's happening to you. Someone I was unable to see could see me, and they weren't watching me with friendly eyes. Their intent was malice; I didn't have to see or know them to realize that. My heart suddenly racing a mile a minute, basic survival instinct took over as it had several times before. Just like back in Brussels my legs picked up the pace, moving faster and faster away from where the threat was emanating.

My breathing was getting heavier as I practically ran around yet another corner. This one led into this really long, narrow hall with windows lining one side and closed double-doors on the other. I didn't know nor care who it was; all I knew was that whoever it was was close behind me, keeping just enough distance so to stay out of sight. This surge of panic started to fill me; the same panic I suffered that night Nigel cornered in the garden. Instinct took over again and my brain decided that the best course of action was to find a room to hide in, preferably with a lockable door. Luckily for me there was one door open near the middle of the hallway. Only one of the double doors was opened, not that I cared. I dashed over to it, ready to bolt inside, until I finally reached the door. With a gasp I gazed into the interior, only to find- much to my pure shock- Simon standing in there!

Simon was inside the room! It looked like a room full of paintings, with a few fancy benches in the centre so one could sit down to admire the artwork. It a rather large room with countless different-sized painting hung all around the walls. The duke was presently standing in front of the unlit fireplace, staring up at a dark painting of a tree and landscape. He seemed very taken by it, judging by how still he stood with his hands clasped behind his back as per usual. He must not have heard me running down the hall just now, since he did not react or even seem to notice my arrival. As for me, I stood there at the doorway watching him silently. I looked at Simon, and all prior fear vanished without a trace. I was completely unafraid now, immediately transfixed on him, or should I say his expression.

My head leaned against the dark wood of the door; this unconscious smile blossoming across my lips. God, look at him. Look at him! Of all the works of art in this room, he is by far the loveliest. I could watch him like this forever and never grow bored. How could I, when there's so much about him to admire? I never thought about it before but there was so much I did admire about the duke. His generosity, his problem-solving skills, the way he makes me laugh without effort, his honesty, how he always took such good care of me….. My lips parted a sliver, but I dare not make a sound. My eyes softened on their own accord.

I didn't know it was possible for one person to make another so happy before; someone who's not a family member, I mean. He did make me so happy….. So incredibly happy. And he always succeeded to do so without trying. I liked him best when he's his authentic self. It's the best version of him there is. Yes, I've seen so much because of him; I'm a different person now than when I first met Simon. I didn't know I was capable of this sort of love before, but now I know…. I know what my heart is capable of, and I'm reminded of it each time I look at him. It's funny: everyone always told me marriage was hard work, that relationships would take constant effort on both our parts. But with him… it's the exact opposite. Loving him, being near him…. was easier than anything I'll ever do again. It's a memory, an experience I'll treasure for the rest of my life. Simon- every instance we spent together- is locked safe inside my heart and no one else will ever touch it. It's there only for me and I'll return to admire my treasure. I'll come back to it, to him….

And come back, and come back, and come back.

It was only then that the duke finally noticed me under the doorframe. We both simultaneously jolted upright, as if surprised to find the other there. Well, I knew he was inside but didn't exactly want him to know that I was here…. and watching him. Suddenly full of embarrassment, my eyes tore away, looking at the floor at random- looking anywhere that wasn't Simon honestly. Simon's jaw dropped but sound took a second to come out. His foot took a step in my direction, then hesitated.

"Miss Bridgerton!" My eyes winced shut at the sound of his voice. That precious, precious voice….. "Excuse me," without glancing up, my feet spun on their heels to get the hell out of there. But I couldn't resist stopping when Simon called out for me yet again. His hand extended up in a bit of a panic. "Wait! Don't go." Don't go….. No; don't talk to me like that. Don't tell me to stay, I sucked in my lips. It hurts…. It hurts so much.

"What are you…..?" Simon took another step my way. I still refused to turn to look at him, keeping my eyes fixed on the window out in front of me across the hall. There was a cherry tree with little pink blossoms on it outside. "I thought we weren't speaking to each other," I wasn't angry but didn't sound happy- more upset than anything. "Can't we at least be civil to one another?" I heard Simon's foot take another slide towards me. My hands balled into fists. "Civil? You want me to act civil after the way you treated me?" "I never meant to hurt you," he sighed in this sorrowful way. My eyes lowered a bit, also sadly. My lips opened a tad, quivering a bit. "Then why did you….?" I'm sure Simon's mouth opened, but nothing came out. Realizing he wasn't going to say anything, I began to walk away, still refusing to look back at him. "Leave me alone," was all I breathed. "Daphne!"

All of a sudden, and quite without thinking I'm sure, Simon reached out to grab hold of my upper right arm. He held me in such a way that I was forced to spin around halfway, finally facing him again. His eyes told me that he was just as startled by his actions as I was; just like how I grabbed onto his coat that day he….. The way his hand gripped my arm didn't hurt but it was powerful. His fingers coiled around my sleeve, keeping me steadily in place. It all happened so quick that my hair actually flew up a bit as my head suddenly turned around. I looked back behind me and we met face to face, our eyes instantly locking.

Neither of us said anything; I don't think there was anything really to say just then. Instead his mouth closed while mine opened, though not to speak. More so to breathe. Simon's eyes ogled me in the most intent way possible, like they were sponges absorbing the essence that is I. Eventually they lowered with such a tenderness, words cannot do it justice to describe it. While his eyes softened, mine grew wide as his hand proceeded to release me. With the same hand he had just grabbed me with, it lifted up to my face. The back of his fingers caressed my cheek so warmly….. As they slid across my skin, my own eyes slowly lowered as well. Only then did Simon's lips part a tiny bit.

In that instance I forgot everything- the fight we'd had, the fear I'd just felt outside, my need to marry- all of it. Everything escaped my mind that wasn't Simon Basset. His fingers were still caressing my cheek when my own hand lifted up. I forgot….. Without my conscious realization, I touched his arm currently upward. My palm and fingers rested overtop his sleeve, pressing affectionately into it. There we were, without a single word, Simon's hand on my cheek and my hand on his arm. We stayed like that for a good ten seconds, blissfully unaware of the external world up until now.

But all good things must come to an end. "Simon! You down here?!" Anthony's voice made both of us flinch violently. All of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, I snatched my hand back. And without a second glance back, I made a mad scramble out of that room before anyone turned the corner to come down the hall we were in. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, keeping my hand clenched tight against my fluttering heart.