42. A Matter Of Time

Within four months of moving to Brussels I already had countless train, flight, and bus tickets purchased. I was eager to make up for lost exploration time in undergrad and now, with no one breathing down my neck and monitoring my every action, I was free to come and go as I pleased. And I did.

Boy, did I.

It was April when I finally decided to take the uber-long train ride from Brussels to Vienna via Paris. Of course no one back home knew about this upcoming journey; only my university friends and faculty were aware. I packed up my worn-out beloved backpack and took the train all the way to Salzburg, stopping over in Paris and Stuttgart. I'd be spending three days in the Sound of Music city before journeying on to Vienna. It was also my first time seeing the Alps too- magical. I stepped off the train, took in a deep breath, and tossed my head back shutting my eyes. This giant smile rolled across my face. God, I'm already in love with Austria.

I was staying in this adorable little hostel right underneath the fortress. Much like other cities I've visited, Salzburg wasn't big. It had this funny folk feeling about it, which I loved. Of course the first thing I did the very next day was scout out my great uncle's tombstone. Grandfather forbad anyone in the family from going to Austria when he died, and he didn't know enough people there to hold a proper funeral. Some people at the morg quietly cremated Uncle Arthur and buried him somewhere near the mountain. I was told the tomb was actually at the edge of the slope itself, so that's where I went. Somehow- and I doubt I'd be able to do this again- by sheer dumb luck I found the tiny tombstone. It was small enough to fit in two hands, with a simple "AB" carved on it. Not even a birth or death date. It had grown over with weeds by this point; nobody had been caring for it all these years obviously.

After clearing it off, my fingers ran along the letters. A single tear rolled down my cheek and over my quivering lips, which opened. Eventually I inhaled softly. "Hi, Uncle. I'm sorry it took me so long to come see you. Leaving England turned out to be harder than I thought. But I'm here; I'm finally here now." A brief pause ensued. I covered the whole gravestone with my hand. "Heh, turns out you kept your promise to me- we're in Europe together, just the two of us… just us."

I stared down at it for I don't know how long. At some time, I'm not sure when, church bells rang, vibrating through the whole city. Then, in the distance towards the nunnery- yes, the nunnery in the movie is actually real and still in operation- the gentle chanting of hymns could be heard. It was like something out of a movie, is a good way to describe it. I sat down next to uncle's grave, resting my backpack on the grass beside me. Hugging my legs into my chest, I simply stayed there, listening to the hymns and church bells. I closed my eyes and let go of myself, letting everything hit my sensations as it will. The sounds, the scents, the whole atmosphere of the place- it was overwhelming and overpowering all at once. This long, content sigh left my lips. My head tossed back again; this warm spring rolling over me and Uncle. When my eyes reopened sometime later, I realized I was smiling. I don't know when I started to smile, but I was just then. I smiled and sucked in a cleansing breath of that lovely fresh mountain air. Then I whispered: "I love it here. I want to stay, Uncle…

I want to stay on the mainland."

I'd been busy researching universities on the continent that day. My mind had started considering a backup if Amsterdam didn't work out. I guess that also means… that I was seriously considering applying to more PhD positions for the first time in my life. I mean, I'd always dreamed of this and knew it would happen one day, but actually doing it was a totally different experience. I was currently scouting the page of the University of Vienna when something caught my eye. They had a link to one of their programmes they shared with Salzburg- not in my department but interesting nonetheless. I saw a picture of the fortress and grinned to myself. Then I leaned back in my chair and gazed outside of the window.

"Well, what do you think, Daddy? Vienna's a beautiful city, and it's only a three-hour train ride to Salzburg, so I'd get to go visit Uncle lots. Plus there's the Schonbrunn Palace and Sissi Museum and all those places I like. And the food- forget about it! It'd be a nice backup if Amsterdam doesn't work out. But Paris also has some good schools, and it's very much like my home Brussels…" I tisked, planting my chin on my fist. "Decisions, decisions…" Though I could see myself thriving at any one of these institutions in reality. I was in the middle of thinking all this over when my train of thought was interrupted by a knocking at my bedroom door.

"Come in," I hollered, forgetting to shut my laptop beforehand. Anthony opened the door, popping his head in. "Hey, baby sis; you got a sec?" "For you, two seconds," I smiled. He mirrored my expression, entering the room. He waltzed up to stand roughly three or four from me, with my gazing back at him with my arm over the back of my pink desk chair.

My eldest brother clasped his hands behind his back, leaning forward slightly. "You have a visitor," he announced quietly. My eyes grew, my heart skipped a beat. My immediate thought was Simon- that he might be here to see me. But then just as quickly as that idea flooded my head, I remembered that those days are over, making me sad on the inside. Still, I grinned and faded interest. I was curious as to whom it might be. "Oh? Who?" Anthony's eyes lowered a sliver. "Prince Friederich."

My fact lit up in surprise. "Really? Oh…. Well, that's good too." "Who did you think it was?" My brother sounded equally surprised by my reaction. "I thought…. Nobody. Why is the prince here?" "He's come to see you. He didn't say what for," it'd had been two weeks since the Father's Day brunch, after all. I guess the time to visit would be now, if he was going to come at all. That's when Anthony noticed the webpage on my laptop screen. Glancing back, I swiftly shut it like I should have done before. Not saying a word, my eyes returned to him, anxiously so. He just looked at me for a minute, also not uttering a sound. Then he took my hand, guiding me to stand up so to face him straight on.

"Listen to me, Daphne. I know you're almost done Masters, but you do have time. You don't have to make a decision yet." "What? About PhD?" "No, about marriage." "Oh… Oh! Marriage! Right…. I… forgot," my eyes drifted down a little. Anthony put his hands on both my shoulders, keeping me close to him. "You have plenty of time. Marriage isn't something you rush into. I-I know Dad said that love is divorced from marriage, but it would break my heart to see you end up with someone you don't get along with. I won't allow it. You should at least be friends with your future husband, like how you're friends with Simon! It should be like that between you too. I'm not saying it can't or won't be the prince, but… make sure to give yourself the right amount of time and get to know your suitor properly. You have time, baby sister; you have nothing but time. I will never rush you with this- I promise- and that PhD trust fund isn't going anywhere. You have all the time in the world you need."

Time, he says. I grinned ironically on the inside, gazing down at the floor between our feet. If he only knew….. Time is not on my side. Or maybe it is, depending on how you look at it. After all, with each passing day I get closer to my dream. It's not a question of time, rather of waiting- or my desire not to . This is not something I'm going to compromise on, and time's not going to wait for me to make up my mind.

Happiness is not something I'm going to postpone until the future.