57. The First Night Of The Rest Of Our Lives

I never told anyone this, but I'd been to Amsterdam several times before. I knew the city so well that I could find my way around without Google maps now. Actually, I knew my way around lots of European cities. When I moved abroad one of the first things I did was book tickets to many different places in different countries. Course I couldn't mention these excursions to anyone back home; Anthony would have skinned me alive if he found out. Kinda stupid thinking back to it, seeing as they'd find out anyway if I had an accident or something else bad happened to me. But that didn't matter now; married or not married, PhD or not PhD, I still planned on doing as much traveling as I could. It would be nice however, if my new husband could join me.

Simon was visibly surprised when I immediately took over once we exited the plane in Schiphol airport. I also knew this airport better than most in Europe, and the UK for that matter. I guess Simon thought he would have to take the lead as he was under the belief I'd never been anywhere but Brussels before over here. But I simply smiled, took his hand, led him to the baggage carousel, and towards the taxi station. It was pretty busy at the airport so we had to wait in the usual line up for a cab. I was studying the address of where we'd be staying, unaware of Simon eying me confused and a bit suspicious. It wasn't until we were in a taxi that he actually said something, but not before I spoke to the driver. I gave him the address, to which the man blinked back at me in surprise. "You're going to Landsmeer?" He asked me in the best English he could. I nodded. After watching me for another second and realizing I was serious, he shrugged and began to drive off. I sat back in my seat with a smile and Simon took the opportunity to finally say something.

"How do you already know your way around so well?" This made me blink, like I was caught doing something I shouldn't, and I looked back at him. It was probably the first time I truly realized that I had to be honest with him… about everything. Still, this didn't stop my mouth from opening and closing for a second. Unable to hide anything from him, my husband read my expression perfectly, his own lips beginning to morph into a frown. "You've been here before, haven't you?" My mouth shot open again to respond, but I merely gave a shy nod. His whole expression grew in shock at this. "Daphne!" His tone was entirely scandalized and chastising. But I quickly put my hand on his, leaning toward him a little. "I'll explain everything to you later, I promise. Let's just get to the house first." "House? What house?" His eyebrow raised and another grin bloomed across my lips.

The cab pulled up in front of a familiar sight to me. I excitedly, practically leaped out of the car, looking all around and taking the scenery in. I knew exactly where I wanted to live while doing my PhD here. Granted, I did look at student accommodations but in the end, nothing could compete with this. I've already stayed here twice by myself and could see me being very, very happy here long-term.

The house was more like a barn- literally. It was on one side along a small back canal with houses on each side. This used to be farming country and still was; you could see dairy cows out in their pasture if you walked twenty minutes up the road. Lots of houses here had these two-story tiny barns in their backyards, several of which had been transformed into tiny houses. This particular two-story house was perfect for me. One very small bathroom, a single room comprising a kitchen, dining room, and living room all in one, and a bedroom upstairs with two beds, sky-lights, and a little closet to hang stuff in. I'm making it sound much bigger than it is, but it didn't feel claustrophobic at all. Out back was a yard and the canal, with a wooden table for two right beside it. I used to sit there and eat my breakfasts of gouda cheese, baguette with butter, grapes, and chocolate milk in the morning. God, I love this country.

The location was ideal too. Just fifteen minutes down the other side of the road was a cheap bike rental shop and local supermarket and bakery. There was also a bus stop with a regular bus which I would take to the tram station, and from there to Amsterdam Central Station. It was just far enough away from the city centre to be quiet and "out in nature", but close enough that I could be in the city centre in less than half an hour if I wanted to. The university wasn't far from the station downtown.

Simon gathered up the luggage while I fished out the key from the hiding place where the owner said it would be. She knew me and knew she could trust me to settle in on my own. From the moment my husband saw it, he didn't know what to make of the fixture. My guess is that he never stayed in anywhere this small and compact before. But seeing how thrilled to be back I was, he put on a smile and got everything inside. I eagerly showed him all around- of which there wasn't much of- and ended with the bedroom upstairs.

It was around this time I got a little quiet and very, very timid and embarrassed when it hit me that there was only one bedroom. Granted, there were two beds inside, but still….. Unless one of us slept downstairs we'd be sharing a room tonight…. Our first night as husband and wife. My stomach, nay my whole being, began to twist and turn with an array of conflicting and confused emotions.

Simon recognized my reason for distress as soon as he saw me standing in the middle of the room staring at the big bed and hugging myself with one arm while biting my thumb nail anxiously. He observed me for a moment before smiling to himself. I flinched at the sensation of both his hands on my shoulders as he stood very close behind me. My hand fell from my mouth and I blinked up to him with a puzzled expression. But he washed away all my fear and unsureness with a single kind, understand glance.

"I'll sleep in that bed tonight," Simon motioned back to the other smaller bed with his head, still keeping his hands on me. My eyes widened in shock and dismay. "Oh, Simon! I didn't mean…. I…. I just….." Shutting his eyes, he gentle shook his head. Then he spun me by the shoulders in such a way so I was facing him. He proceeded to take both my hands in his, lifting them up to where our chests were. "Let's learn to walk before we run. This is new to me too, and I'd never dream of doing anything you're even remotely uncomfortable with." "Simon!" I gasped in surprise- in a good way. His hands tightened their grip on mine; his grin deepened. "We have time, Daphne. We're married now; we have all the time in the world. I just want to make sure you to feel ready." "Simon….." I constantly had to remind myself that I was the luckiest woman in the world to have married him, and it wasn't hard to do….

When he always made it so easy for me to remember.

We unpacked our bags and I brought Simon to the supermarket. He loved it, opening up and having a grand time himself. I think he liked being away from the hustle and bustle of London for a while too. It was a different pace of life out here- one which we both appreciated. After getting some supplies, we went back home and I made us up some simple plates. Not to mention drinking a whole carton of chocolate milk for dessert. Then we got changed and headed off to the city of Amsterdam together. We took a cab since it was later in the day and transit was going to be busy.

I showed Simon all my favourite sites, including the university. We didn't have time to go in anywhere but he liked seeing everything nonetheless. This was also when I learned that this was his first time in Holland, and he was rather pleased with it so far. "I can myself visiting you very, very often here," he once told me while we were walking back to the station from the university. I laughed and held his arm. We held hands the whole time we were downtown together.

The night began to wrap when we went for pancakes together for dinner- yes, that's a thing here. He got savoury Dutch-style pancakes while I got sweet American-style pancakes. Delicious! Afterwards we called it a night and took a taxi back to the barn-house. It was still light outside so we decided to sit up for a while at the table by the canal. I made us some hot chocolate and brought out a slice of cake for each of us. As I set the plates and mugs down I caught my husband watching me. He had been watching me…. and smiling. Of course I smiled in return, taking the seat next to him.

"What is it?" I asked in a very tender voice. As if his smile couldn't widen anymore… "You're already taking such good care of me," he sighed. "Is that what I'm doing? And here I just thought you wanted hot chocolate," I giggled, picking up my cup. He shook his head in a gentle way. "I've said this before and I bet I'll say it again. You are loyal, Daphne Basset; it's probably your greatest virtue…. Your loyalty," I noticed there was this sincere, beautiful sense in his tone as he said this. I took a sip from my drink and set the mug down, watching him the entire time. Then I wiped my mouth with my napkin before speaking. "Making you hot chocolate is loyal?" "You want to make me happy and take care of me. You're loyal in that regard; you always have been….."

I nodded in comprehension, still staring down at my drink and cake now. "I took care of Daddy for a long time. He'd always been a bit of a wild card but after he got diagnosed…. There was this period where he really went off the wagon. I don't think he was trying to kill himself; I think he was trying to prove that he could beat his condition…. That he wouldn't let it affect him," I paused, and Simon didn't say anything, sensing I had more to say. I drew in a deep breath before going on. "He never did take any medication or do anything for it. He was convinced that he was normal; that he could live a normal life just like the rest of us," another pregnant pause. "That's when I started taking better care of him. I thought that if I took good care of him, then he'd always be around- silly as that sounds….. God, I loved him. I still love him, just as much now as I did then…. I see a lot of him in me; both the good and unfortunately some of the bad," yet another pause. Simon was eying me intently by now, and my own gaze slowly drifted up to meet his. This small, sad smile appeared across my lips. Well, since we've already entered "honest-ville"…..

"Let me tell you a story," I said. Simon leaned back in his chair and folded his hands across his stomach. "Sure," was his simple reply. I flashed him another quick grin. "Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was the first daughter born into her family in five generations. Before her there were only sons; something which the family prided itself on. Her father loved her dearly, but she had a really, really scary grandfather….. From the moment she was born, he hated her and was determined to carve her existence into something useful for the family… for him. So he told his son and grandson to make the girl marry someone who would elevate the family's status. No one ever asked what the girl wanted… And she made the mistake of telling her father she wanted a PhD before he died," a very long pause followed this, to which Simon patiently waited until I was ready to continue. This backed up well of emotions was surging through my veins and talking about it wasn't making it any easier. My fingers twitched, my throat turned to cotton, but I knew I had to keep going. I had to…. for both our sakes.

"The little girl was terrified of her grandfather for so many years and used that fear to justify her father and brother's bad behaviour towards her. But she didn't know what else to do…. She wanted a PhD and through marriage was the only way to get it. But she doesn't want to live in fear of her dead grandfather for the rest of her life. She wants to forgive her father and brother, and finally move on….. even though she did end up getting married.

And it was the best thing I've ever done."

I ended my little speech while looking into Simon's eyes. He didn't react for a while, just sitting and staring back at me with this tight intensity. Eventually however, he broke off the stare and glanced downward to his hands, which fidgeted slightly.

"My father…. He hated me as well. I was scared of him, and for the majority of my life tried endlessly to achieve his approval," he revealed to me for the first time. "Simon!" My eyes grew in surprise. He didn't look at me once while he continued talking, more rather like he was fishing through his brain for something- something he'd rather leave lurking beneath the surface. "In the end, I never got it. He never gave me any sense of love or warmth or approval. He always said I was the biggest disappointment in his life. I had this stutter when I was little, which eventually got better, but I was still never good enough for that man. All he wanted from me was one thing: to carry on the Hastings line and legacy. That's what he revealed to me on his deathbed…. That's all that I was good for, in his eyes," Simon paused here, and I dare not interrupt him. His gaze wandered a bit, but he still refused to look up at me.

"You know why I decided to end our friendship the first time a couple of months ago? It's because I knew I was falling in love with you…. I was just too happy, being near you. And yet, I knew I had to break it off then because…. because I couldn't give you children. I convinced myself that you deserved better, that you deserved a man who could give you a son or a daughter. It's not that I am not physically able to have my own children; it's just I swore to my father on his deathbed that I wouldn't have a son…. that I'd never get married or have heirs to take on the Hastings title. I hated him more than I loved you back then….. But as time went on, that began to change. It'd be a lie to say that the fact you can't give birth isn't a positive in my eyes…. But it's more than that. Over time I just learned to love… more than hate. It's so much easier to love…. And even if I haven't fully forgiven my father for the abuse he put me through- and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully do that- I am learning to live again.

I look at you, and I want to live again."

I merely gawked at my husband for I don't know how long. But soon enough, there were tears pouring down the corners of my eyes; not that I was conscious of their presence. It was like I was seeing Simon Basset for the very first time all over again, and it suddenly clicked why he was so concerned for my health and well-being. I was the first thing, first person he'd ever loved… And he didn't want to lose me. He's in the exact same position as I was with Daddy back before he died. He understands better than anyone how I felt back then. My brother's voice suddenly came echoing through my head. "You need to tell Simon." Yes, I want to be open and transparent with him, with my beloved husband… I should tell….. I need to tell…. My lips scrunched into a thin line before slowly, very slowly reopening once more.

"There's one more thing, Simon." "What is it?" He inquired. Another deep, long breath filled my lungs. I need to tell him…. I need to do the one thing Daddy never did. I need to recognize that I can be perfectly happy… not being "normal" like the rest of our family. I looked straight at him; my face firm and genuine. "There's medication I can take for my condition… medication I've never taken before." "Daphne!" Simon utterly, breathlessly gasped, and not in a good way. But I kept my resolve. "I'll start taking it, if it'll make you feel better. I thought it didn't matter since I won't be having any children, but now that you're in the picture…. Would it make you feel better, if I began taking my medication, Simon?" And he looked at me; oh, the way he looked at me just now.

"Take the damn medication already."

I wrote down on a sticky note to call the doctor to set up an appointment tomorrow. We came in around this point, with Simon checking to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. After finishing my writing I grinned over at him, straightening my back up. "How about we watch a movie? I'm not tired yet." "Alright. Can we get Netflix down here?" "Mmmmm I think it's only on the tv upstairs," I said absent-mindedly. Simon didn't say anything, just looked at me. It took a moment for me to figure out what that meant, my eyes growing in sudden surprise. "Oh…. Oh! Well… i-it'll be ok. We'll just watch the movie in the same bed, then you can move over to yours to sleep in. T-That should be fine." Simon seemed a little at war with himself, like he was delighted by the prospect of laying in the same bed with me but also hesitant in case I was doing it for his sake. Seeing his distress, I grinned and came over to take hold of his hand. He flinched at this but didn't back away. "Come, let's go watch a movie. It'll be fine; I promise." "W-We won't do anything you don't want to, Daphne. It's only what you're comfortable with." "It'll be ok, Simon. I trust you…. I really do. And besides, it's just one movie.

What can happen?"

We went upstairs together and awkwardly laid ourselves onto the bed. I laid down first on one side, with Simon getting steadily onto the other. He's occasionally pause and ask if I was alright or comfortable, and with me giving him the green light, he continued onward until we were both laying on the bed. We were overtop the covers and still fully clothed. Granted I did go downstairs to change into my full-length pyjamas before the movie started; Simon got changed into his equally-full pyjamas right after me. Heh, no one can accuse us of being immodest.

When the movie started- some Disney film of some sort- we were at sheer opposite sides of the bed, with this invisible wall between us. As the movie progressed though, without either of us realizing we were doing so, we inched closer and closer together. We only noticed this when we bumped shoulder to shoulder in the centre of the bed. I blinked up at him startled and embarrassed. He too was blushing, though not as hard as me. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't realize… I'll move back!" I began, but my husband stopped me. "No, stay," he cooed, albeit a tad shyly. Still blushing, I did as I was told and very secretly happily leaned up against Simon's side. I realized that we'd somehow transitioned from Holland to Heaven when his arm very timidly crept behind my shoulder. Neither of us dare utter a word as Simon silently wrapped his arm around me. Then, in complete and total unison, we let out a sigh and relaxed even more against the pillows. In utter bliss, I gently shut my eyes. So this is what happiness feels like? I never knew joy could be so tangible before. And I also understood for the first time since the day Simon and I met… The most real thing about me now was him. This perfect, perfect man.

It was then that Heaven became this dark, deafless place for me as I gradually slipped out of conscious, existing on a plain of bliss and love- a love I'd never known before.