19. Just My Type

I've always been submissive by nature. Maybe it's because my mother and sisters have such strong personalities, or maybe it's because I have a weak constitution. I'm frail and nothing's going to change that; I realized that a long time ago…. when I first fainted in public.

Consequently my father and brothers have always been very protective over me, especially when it comes to other men. And I understood why. All the European courting manuals warned young ladies that a domineering fiancé would be more so after marriage. Mother once told me that men would sense my passivity and obedient disposition, and pounce on it. I'd attract the wrong kind of fellows, who'd be drawn to me like moths to a flame. This was never said in good way; far from it. It worried the men in my family who took full advantage of their social and legal dominance over me. I was sequestered all throughout my youth, locked up and hidden away with my books. Anthony said I was a precious jewel that needed to be guarded. I always thought he was exaggerating…

And then the queen named me the diamond of the first water.

I let out a sigh, resting my chin on the palm of my hand and gazing out of the study's window. You could see the cherry blossom tree freshly in bloom from here. We'd be dining at the queen's this evening, where she'd likely propose the new match between me and her niece. Huh….. I wonder what the prince is like. Her majesty told me he's charming and very good-looking. I bet he won't be as handsome as Lord Hastings, but that's ok. So long as he's kind and treats me well…..

My eyes lowered a tad; they followed down along with a few cherry blossom petals, tracing them through the air. He isn't heir to the Prussian throne, so he's probably had a less masculine upbringing than his elder brother. Is that a good thing? I suppose it is. You know how German men can be. Goethe and Schiller came from the same culture, and I'll never part with my copy of The Sorrows of Young Whether. I wonder if Prince Friedrich will be more like than them than Friedrich the Great? I hope so….. It would be wonderful if we could sit and read poetry to each other on summer evenings. He'd write me poems and love songs, and worship the ground I walked on. And in return I'd love him….. The way only a European lady can love. Thinking about it only made me grin sappily to myself. What a future…. I can't wait. Only I wish…. I hope…. I want true love, but I can't deny this submissive side to me. My mind began to wander as I stared at the falling pink petals gently scattering in the air.

I guess I have a type too.

"What are you doing?" Shooting my head back around, I was shocked to see Lord Hastings standing there not far behind my chair. His uninjured left hand was planted on his hip, and he gave me a firm, stern look. Meanwhile I could only gape back at him dumbfounded. "Wha-…..? What do you mean? I'm just…. daydreaming, that's all." The duke frowned. "That's bold of you, to fantasize about a man you never met before. It's even more bold of you to think about him before I've my permission for you to marry him," he scowled.

I frowned back his way. "You said not to come asking your permission for such things." "I obviously wasn't referring to something like this. I meant going out for a walk or simple activities like that. I wouldn't call marrying a prince and moving aboard a "simple activity", Miss Bridgerton." "Why do you care?! You don't even like me! We weren't going to stay together once we were married anyway. Don't you want me to be with someone who wants me? Someone who will make me happy?" I fired back. "You're not going to be with anyone unless I say so. I haven't given you my permission yet, don't forget," he growled; his tone was peppered with possessiveness which caught me off guard. And something was beginning to feel funny inside of me…

I kept my composure and prominent frown on my lips. "Why are you acting like this? I already told you: you can have any girl you want. You have the world at your fingertips! Now let me have my part of it." "Any girl I want, you say? That's obviously not true if you're going to go gallivanting off that foreign prince," Lord Hastings took a step towards me. My heart was starting to race, and I didn't know why. Maybe it's because I remembered in that moment how perfect-looking he was. No one would ever compare to the duke in my eyes, but that was only physically, right? Right….?

My hand balled into a fist as my arm now laid on the rim of my seat. "But you don't want me. You even said so yourself: I'm not your type, remember?" "I never said I didn't want you; I only said I couldn't tame you." I frowned but my heart was pounding. A part of me worried that it was so loud he might hear it. "I'm not yours to tame, my lord. That's another man providence." "No, it's not; not until I say so." "I'm not your property! I'm a human being, and maybe I want to be tamed! Maybe I love the idea of that; maybe I've always loved that! But we both know you're not the one who'll do it. I don't belong to you, Lord Hastings!

You don't want me to belong to you!"

The duke growled, rolling his fingers into frustrated fists. "Would you shut up?! You don't know what you're talking about!" "Yes, I do! I heard you that night of the Engagement Ball; I was the one you told to stay away from you! Don't you remember any of that?! I'm doing exactly what you asked, my lord!" We were yelling and I was angry, but man! My heart just couldn't slow down, and my stomach had butterflies in it too. Why? I didn't understand what was happening to me. The duke and I were fighting; there was nothing romantic about this. It would be foolish to think otherwise….. And yet, why were we fighting again? What was he so mad about? The way he talked to me just now….. No man's ever talked to me like that before…. Or about me like that before. What was he actually saying? What was the meaning behind his words? Why did my chest feel like it was about to explode?

Lord Hastings took another step in my direction, but I wasn't the least bit intimidated by him. I wasn't scared of the duke; not at all, which surprised me in of itself. I wasn't afraid of him in the slightest….. "Don't you dare talk to me like that. I'm you're fiancé!" "So? That won't matter once I'm engaged to the prince. We'll go our separate ways and you'll be free of me, just as you want," I swiftly countered, earning another sharp glare. "You expect me to just hand you over to him? How do you know he'll even make you happy? What's your type, Miss Bridgerton?" "My type…..? Why, whatever the prince will be, I should think…." "Don't lie to me." "I'm not!" "Yes, you are; I can see it all over your face! I saw it the other day when we were promenading in the park. You don't know what you want." "Oh, and you do? You don't know anything about me!" "I know enough! And I never, ever want to catch you daydreaming about a man whom I have not given my consent for again! Is that understood?" "Then give me your permission now and let's end this! Why would you insist on continuing this argument?!" I shouted loudly. The duke gave me one look and I felt like I was about to cry any minute, which was strange because I wasn't the least bit sad. Quite the opposite, in fact….. I hadn't felt this way since I was thirteen years old…..

Lord Hastings remained quiet for a moment, letting his lips part a sliver when they were ready. His mouth opened and my heart leapt with anticipation. "And what if the prince isn't your type? What if he can't tame you as you want?" "I'm not worried about that; he will." "That's not good enough," he growled lowly. "It has to be. And it's like I said, you're not going to be the one to do it, so why do you care?" Lord Hastings growled again through clenched teeth. "I've had just about enough of you." "Then leave; that's what you want, isn't it?"

Only then did this low, soft chuckle leave his lips, making my spine tingle. God, he's so hot…. I'll never get over how alluring he is; absolutely everything about summoned me like a siren's song. It was really too bad….. Too bad. "And you say I don't know anything…. You understand nothing about the ways of men, my lady." "What do you mean? Have I misunderstood you somehow?" I blinked puzzled by this declaration. He chuckled again, taking yet another step close to me. The distance between us was miniscule now…. His strong, masculine eyes locked onto mine, refusing to let them go. "I know your type; I know your type exactly. Maybe it was I who was mistaken this whole time….." He uttered this more to himself than to me, surprising me again. "W-What do you mean? Mistaken about what?" There were so many butterflies in my stomach, I'd lost count.

The duke smirked at me. "I know what you need, and I'm starting to see what I need too…" "What's that?" "That's for me to know, and you to find out. Now come here." "I beg your pardon?" "Did you not hear me? Come here," he held out his hand expectedly. My eyes drew from it up to his face suspiciously. Our eyes glued onto each other's again. "What for? And what does this have to do with the fight we just had?" He growled another time, though this time it was more playful as well as frustrated. "I swear…. I've said it once and I'll say it again: you need to be tamed. And as your fiancé, it looks like it's my job to do it." "But you literally said yesterday…" "Forget what I said! Now, are you going to come here or am I gonna have come over there and get you myself?" Oh god…. There are no words to describe how happy that made my heart just now. It felt like a gooey, sticky mess inside my chest. It turned into a bird hastily flapping its wings when Lord Hastings suddenly reached over to grab hold of my wrist. My whole body flinched as we looked at each other profoundly. His fingers clenched on my skin tight.

"Listen and listen closely. The only man you're allowed to fantasize about is me. Got that?" "W-Wha….? But I…..? You can't do that!" I gasped, enjoying myself way, way too much. His smirk grew in the corners. "I just did. Time for me to show you what your type of man really is." "What?! Wait a minute! I don't…..!" "I've truly had enough of you. Come here!" I felt myself being yanked off the chair and unexpectedly draped over his knee.

And I'd never been so happy in all my life.

"Miss Bridgerton!" I almost flung myself off my seat, my posture straightened that fast. My head spun rapidly to see my Latin tutor standing beside my desk and tapping his cane on it threateningly. He flashed me a stern warning glare, tapping his cane on top of my desk and papers. "Have you finished your Latin translations yet?" "Uh, no! No, not yet. I'm nearly done," my hand was very quick to pick back up my quill. "Perhaps if you spent less time daydreaming, you'd be able to complete all of your work before dinner. Keep writing," he directed before going on to pace the room behind me. I sighed and turned my attention back to my translations. But not before I had one final thought. Huh, I wonder what all that was about; my mind was merely imagining of its own accord. Why did I think about the duke or that make-believe argument? Was there any truth to it? I knew there was a type of man I was naturally attracted to…. But this is the very first time I'd ever questioned what that type was.

And did it even matter when it came to falling in love?