24. You Build Me Up And Then I Fall Apart

New chapter. Hope you guys like it. I'm going through such "Chicago P.D." withdrawls. It's not even funny. I pretty much go to work, pay bills, write this fanfic, and stalk Jesse and Sophia on Twitter and Instagram. I have to say though, I'm totally digging Jesse's facial hair...and I'm not a beard kind of girl, but he makes it look good. He's so good looking, those eyes...I can't even. I would talk about Sophia, but I'll save you the trouble cause lesbi-honest. I love my boyfriend, but I've girl crushed that woman since I was 16, so we're talking 10 years strong of flat out adoring her. Feels pretty good to confess that to you guys. Anyway, hope you guys are enjoying the Christmas/holiday season. I'll stop rambling now.

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Erin walked down the hallway of the hotel with her itinerary and hotel map in hand. She studied the map and looked at the doors as she walked, looking for the conference room where the next team building exercise was supposed to take place.

Today had been a pretty interesting day. The team had really accepted her and Jay's engagement with open arms. She had to admit that part of her had been surprised. Not that she expected them to be pissed or anything, but this was a big change not only for her and Jay, but for District 21 and she hoped that it was a change for the better.

Erin couldn't stop smiling everytime she looked at the ring on her hand. For the first time in her life, she was blissfully happy. The kind of happy that she didn't think existed. It's like everything in the past didn't matter now. Her horrible childhood, her stabbing, her therapy sessions. It was the kind of happy that was scary, the kind of happy where part of her was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That pretty much summed up Erin Lindsay's life. The other shoe always dropping. Therapy may be helping her believe the good things about herself, but it doesn't change the facts of her life. But she was going to fight like hell to keep Jay. Jay: this one amazing gift that God himself had sent to her to prove that she wasn't so alone in this world. She knew with that man, she'd make it through anything that life was going to throw at them.

Erin found the room she was looking for and she walked into the small meeting room. She walked in and saw the chairs were formed into a circle and Nadia and Platt already seated.

"Erin, hey" Nadia said with a smile.

"Hey" Erin walked through the opening in the circle and took a seat next to Nadia.

"So, have you and Jay set a date?" Nadia asked reaching for Erin's hand to look at her engagement ring.

"Nadia, he just asked me last night. But I'd like a late summer or early fall wedding. Maybe September or October" Erin shrugged her shoulders as Nadia let go of her hand.

"Like as in September four months from now?" Nadia asked.

"I don't know. September was just a jumping off point. I'm open to anytime. It doesn't have to be what I want" Erin looked down at the ring on her hand and sighed. "Anytime is fine. We can have a long engagement, I mean there are people who are engaged for six or seven years"

Nadia shook her head. "No. Don't do that. Nobody likes long engagements. My friend Lexi, from the NA meetings has been engaged since she was 18 and she's almost 30"

"Don't tell her what to do, Nadia" Platt said.

"I'm not" Nadia said "I'm just making conversation with her"

"I'm just saying, there's no rush for anybody to get married. Especially you Erin. I mean what's Halstead got that I don't have?"

"A penis" Nadia mumbled under her breath before sitting back in her chair.

"Why don't you snort another line, Nadia. I'm not a lesbian. I have plenty of sex with "Mooch" sex that you're not even old enough to hear about Nadia" Platt folded her arms over her chest and leaned back in her seat.

"I didn't really need to hear about that" Nadia shook frowned and shook her head.

"Well, sometimes I think you all think I'm a prude. I'm not. I enjoy sex as much as you or the next person. I do things...all the things" Platt shurgged her shoulders as the door opened and Burgess walked in.

"I don't even want to know what "All the things" consists of" Nadia sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"I'm just saying. You want some marriage advice, Lindsay? Do all things" Platt turned her head and looked at Erin who had a look of complete horror on her face.

"I don't think that I..." Erin started

"Trust me...if you don't. He'll find someone who will. Sure Halstead's in love now but if you want to keep him in love, then you'll learn to like all the things. No holes off limits, that's my motto" Platt said simply.

"Platt" Erin, Kim and Nadia said in unison. Complete and utter shock and embarrassment radiating over the 3 women.

"Am I not allowed to relate to you girls? I can be as young and hip as you all. Think I don't know about sex" Platt shook her head. "You girls shouldn't be so naive"

"I'm not naive about anything. Especially when it comes to me and Adam" Burgess said as she took a seat next to Platt. "We used to have some serious fun when we were sneaking around before you guys knew about us. Let me tell you that cage has seen some action"

"I don't need to hear this" Erin said covering her face.

"I'm just saying, you and Jay should try it sometime. Nobody goes down there unless there's a perp down there and it's pretty far away from earshot" Kim said. "You can do just about anything and nobody would hear it. Adam can be kind of loud if you catch my drift"

"Oh my God" Erin shook her head as she felt her cheeks burn. This wasn't exactly the trust building she had in mind at the retreat.

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Jay pressed the down button on the elevator and waited as the doors opened. He nodded as he came face to face with Sean Roman. Jay stepped on the elevator as the door closed leaving the two men in the elevator.

They stood in silence for a few seconds before Jay finally spoke "So about last night"

Roman shook his head and held his hand up as a cue for Jay to stop talking. "Halstead, if you're worried about me saying something, I'm not going to. But you should really keep that kind of stuff indoors. You're lucky it was me that saw it and not another hotel guest or even worse, Voight"

Jay shook his head "Thanks Roman. I really appreciate it. I'd just hate for Erin to find out about something like this"

Sean nodded his head and thought for a moment. "You're a lucky man"

Jay smiled and nodded in agreement "Thank you"

"I mean Erin Lindsay, look at her. She could have any guy she wanted and she picked you" Roman shrugged his shoulders and turned his head from Jay's.

"Um...thanks" Jay said trying to process if the statement from Roman was supposed to be a compliment or a slam.

"She's really beautiful. I'd hold onto her with both hands if I were you. And after last night, seeing that body...who knew that Erin had all that going on under the jeans and t's she always wears" A small smile formed on Roman's face as he looked at Jay.

Jay was about to respond when the elevator doors opened and Roman quickly walked past him. Jay followed and felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and came eye to eye with Adam.

"Chasing someone?" Adam asked.

"Something like that" Jay said looking down the hall at Roman who was walking into the meeting room. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure" Ruzek said as he and Jay walked down the hall.

Jay pulled Adam to the side and looked down the hall. "Do you like Roman? Do you trust him?"

Ruzek shrugged his shoulders "He's ok, I mean he's good police. But, his attitude stinks and I think he's into Kim. Kim says that we just need to get to know him, but as far as I can tell, the guy is a complete ass cracker"

Jay shook his head and sighed. "I don't know. I try to get along with the guy, but he makes it really hard sometimes"

Ruzek nodded his head and patted Jay's shoulder "I wouldn't worry too much about Roman. It would only take two hits, I'd hit him and he'd hit the ground"

Jay shook his head as he looked at Adam "Pretty sure this is a team retreat. I don't think I saw ass kicking on the itinerary"

Ruzek shrugged his shoulders "We can always fit it in"

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The rest of district 21 had taken their places in the small circle of the meeting room as the team building retreat leader took his seat.

"Good evening everybody. I hope that you guys had a wonderful dinner here at the historic Grand Hotel. I hope that the retreat is going well for you all. We're going to try something different to wrap up tonight. You don't have to participate, but I'm hoping that all of you do. Because this is the most important exercise of the entire retreat. It's what really bonds you with your coworkers, builds bonds that are hard to break. It's called "If You Really Knew Me" and we're going to go in a circle and I want you to tell the group if you really knew me, you'd know what about yourself"

The group all looked around the circle at each other before looking at the retreat leader.

"Adam, since you're in the first seat. Would you like to go first?" The retreat leader asked.

"Um" Adam sighed "I guess"

"Great" The retreat leader said "Whenever you're ready"

Ruzek looked around the room and ran his hands down the legs of his jeans. "If you really knew me...you'd know...that I like to dip my french fries in mayonnaise. I love reruns of "Boy Meets World" and I thought Bo Bice should've won American Idol...He was the coole-"

"Adam" The retreat leader interrupted "Those are really nice things, but I want to know about you. I think the group would like to know is what makes Adam Ruzek...Adam? Tell them something that someone doesn't know about you"

Adam felt Kim take his hand as he laughed nervously. He squeezed her hand and looked at the group before looking down at the ground. "If you really knew me...you'd know...I always wanted to be a cop. My dad was a cop. He was my idol, and I wanted to be just like him. I think that's what led me to the Chicago Police Department. I would be just like my old man. When I told him I wanted to join the force he looked at me and he said "Son, I don't think that's the life for you. Stick with what you know" I guess in that moment I realized that all this time I thought my dad saw me as his buddy he really just saw me as a disappointment. So, I decided that I was going to join the force anyway. I know how a lot of you see me, some idiot who is usually the butt of the jokes, an easy laugh. But if you really knew me, you'd know that sure, I like to laugh and make people laugh. But I do take this serious. It's what I've wanted since I was a kid and I'm proud to work with all of you and proud to be following my dream. Even if the old man doesn't approve"

"Very good, Adam" The retreat leader said "Kim, would you like to go next?"

Burgess nodded "If you really knew me you'd know that yes, I did start my career out as a flight attendant. But in the back of my mind I always saw myself doing more than just serving drinks and going through a crash landing demonstration every single day. So, this one day we were on board a flight from New York to Dallas, Texas. There was a passenger who had concealed a pocket knife on himself and was on the same flight as an ex that he was stalking. When we were halfway through the flight he made his move. He stormed to the first class cabin and pulled the knife. People were screaming and crying and I didn't even think before I jumped him and he fell to the floor of the plane. I somehow wrestled the knife away from him and managed to hold him down until we could make an emergency landing in Nashville. I lost my job as a flight attendant because of that altercation. I guess it didn't represent what the company was looking for and when I packed my stuff up I heard about the Chicago P.D. looking for new officers. So, I thought what the hell? Why not. I loaded up my car and I came to Chicago. And it's the best decision I ever made. I know that moving up to intelligence used to be my dream, but I think I'm happier where I am. It's nice being in on the action and really seeing it first hand. It's my dream and I get to live it. What more can a person ask for?"

The retreat leader gave Kim a smile and turned her gaze to Platt. "Trudy?"

Platt looked around at the team and gave a smile "If you really knew me you'd know that I have a younger sister. Well, I had a younger sister. I know what you're thinking, why would your parents want to have any more kids after you, Trudy? They got it so right the first time. But they did. Anyway, her name was Rachel. She was coming home from college one night on break and she stopped to get gas. When she went in to pay, a guy came in and pulled a gun. He robbed the place and everyone in it. Rachel, being Rachel, she's a fighter and she tried to fight him off from taking her purse and he pulled the trigger and shot her right in the head. She was on life support for a few days. But we finally realized that there was no hope. She was burried on her 19th birthday. That's when I knew I wanted to destroy criminals. So, I dedicated my life to bringing them to justice"

Kim reached over and placed her free hand on top of Trudy's and gave it a squeeze.

Nadia knew without the retreat leader saying anything that it was her turn. "Well, if you really knew me. Then you'd know that...I was a pretty good kid and I got involved with the wrong crowd. I met a boy when I was 14 and I fell in love. Well, turns out. Said boy, he didn't love me. He loved me enough to get me addicted to drugs. He loved me enough to turn me out to get money for our drug habit. I know I just turned 20 and a lot of you just see me as some kid. That's fine, but I've done more and seen more in the last six years of my life than most people see in a lifetime. If it wasn't for you all taking me in and taking care of me. I don't know where I'd be. I think no, I know that I'd probably be dead. I just wanted you guys to know how much I appreciate the opportunities that I've been given and I'm not going to screw up. I am so thankful to Erin and for the rest of you taking a chance on me and showing me the me that I never thought I could be. I am going to be just like you guys. I can promise you that. This is the life I want and I can't wait until I can finish school and work right with you guys"

The retreat leader nodded "That's really a beautiful tribute to your friends, Nadia"

Nadia nodded and looked around at everyone as the retreat leader spoke "Erin, would you like to go next?"

Erin felt a wave of panic rise over her as she felt the team's eyes on her. Was she ready to share with her district the real reason behind her absense? Like Dr. Sullivan said, she needed to learn to lean on them. So it was now or never.

"If you really knew me...wow. That's such a loaded statement" Erin sighed and she smiled when she felt Jay reach down and take ahold of her hand as a sign of support. "If you really knew me you'd know that I've spent pretty much every single day since I was five years old feeling worthless. My mom loved her next hit more than she loved me and my brother and my dad, he was extremely abusive. I got involved with the wrong friends when I started my Freshman year of high school. They led me down a path that I'm not proud of, but then when I turned 15 I went to live with Hank Voight, he took me in and his family became mine. I feel like the best way to describe my life is that song "Human" by Christina Perri. I know that's kind of stupid to compare your life to a song. But that's how I feel. This past year has somehow been the worst and the best of my life. I know that I'm so blessed and lucky to be alive. If it wasn't for Jay, I'd have died that night on the ship. We all know that, I know that everyone gets tired of hearing that. I can never repay him for that. If I lived to be 100 I couldn't and last night when he asked me to marry him, I thought. Is this real? How can someone like me deserve someone like him? Spending most of my life thinking that I don't deserve love has made me so closed off, but it's like all of you see through that. You guys are my family"

Erin finally looked up, she was almost afraid that she was going to see looks of judgement for what she said, but she didn't. All she saw was support and love and for that she was truly thankful. Erin squeezed Jay's hand and she looked over at him and smiled as he took his turn.

"If you really knew me...I never saw myself in intelligence. I really liked working undercover until I got shot and then when I had the opportunity to movie up. I took it. It was the best decision I ever made. Because if I wouldn't have, I don't know where I'd be. When I was deployed with the Army Rangers, I saw things that no person should have to see. Dying kids, murdered civillians, coming home I had a lot of anger and I took it out on the wrong people, sometimes I still do. I'm really trying to work on it, the thing of it is, I don't want to end up like my old man. I never quite felt good enough for him. I enlisted in rangers to get out of that house and away from him. We never really saw eye to eye and when I was deployed I got a letter one day that he'd died. I know I should've felt something, but I didn't. I felt nothing. And to this day, I still don't. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive. Made my mom, my sister, and my lives hell. If I can sit here and tell you anything that I know beyond a doubt, it's my kids will never have to worry about me becoming that. I won't be my dad. Ever" Jay shook his head and he looked over at Erin when he felt her hand squeeze his.

He smiled at her and mouthed "I love you" before turning his head to look at Atawater who was seated next to him.

"Guess it's my turn" Kevin said "If you really knew me, you'd know that I grew up on a rough side of town. My mama's prayers and my little sister are what kept me off the street. I love the city of Chicago, I love the people of that city, and I love all of you. I'd take a bullet for anybody in this cirlcle in a second. I am thankful that I am one of the only people out of my high school graduating class that isn't on the street or involved in drugs. I saw how hard my mama worked to keep me and my sister out of that life. She's still so young and I don't want to see her ever turn to the street or anybody on the street. I'll bust my ass on that street for the rest of my life as long as it keeps my mom and my sister safe"

Antonio Dawson nodded and raised a hand to Atwater's shoulder as a sign of support.

"If you really knew me" Dawson started "I am in the process of trying to get my wife and kids back. A day at a time is how Laura and I are taking it, but without them. I feel like a failure. Sure, I love this job. But, I love my family more. And I feel like I've reached a point that if Laura asked me to walk away from this job, I would. Like I said, I love this job and I do love all of you. But you young ones coming up in this unit, in this district, you have to realize that you need to not consume yourselves with this life. You need to leave work stuff at work. If that's the only advice I can give you. Don't bring the stress of work home like I did. Because you lose the things that you love the most when you put work before the people you love. I know that everyone strives for the top, but it's lonely at the top. So, I guess the whole point of what I'm saying is If you really knew me, you'd know not to follow in my footsteps. Family first. Always"

Dawson looked at the circle of his friends and then over at Olinsky.

"I'm not very good at this emotional stuff" Olinsky started "So, I want to start by agreeing with Dawson. One forgotten birthday, or anniversary, one missed recital or play...that turns into two, three, ten. You can't get that stuff back. I know with our line of work, that we can't be everywhere. But just try to keep your priorities in line. So, I'll finish by saying "If you really knew me, you'd know that I spent a lot of time living in my garage. One day I left for work and my daughter was hanging on my legs, One day I came home and she couldn't care less that I existed. Just don't lose sight of your priorities. However, I'd also like to say that in knowing all of you, I'd go above and beyond for any of you. You guys are the best people that I know. I'm proud to know each and every one of you. It's a damn fine family to be a part of"

Voight cleared his throat as he thought of something to say "If you really knew me. I was a lot like all of you when I first started out in this force. I thought the world was at my feet and in some aspects it was. Things happen in Chicago that we don't like. But, it doesn't mean that it's not the greatest city in the world. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be afraid to take risks. It's where the most reward is. You guys sitting in this circle are the best of the best. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. So, with that being said I hope we can continue to only become a stonger unit when we get home"

Roman looked at the group as their eyes fell to him. "I don't have anything to say. I pass"

"Sean you should really try to-" The retreat leader started.

"Listen, I appreciate the idea of this. It's nice and all, but this isn't who I am. I don't share things. So I guess that can be my thing. If you really knew me. You'd know I'm a private person and I don't share things with people. So, if you'll excuse me. I think I'm going to go back up to my room"

"Roman" Voight called. "This session isn't over"

"It is for me" Roman said standing up and walking to the door.

"Roman" Voight said again.

"What?" Sean Roman said. "What do you want? I'm not going to tell you shit about me. But I've got some secrets on this unit. Ya'll claim that you're some family? That's bullshit. How about the fact that if you all aren't fucking each other you're fucking each other over. Some family"

And with that statement Sean Roman walked out the door and slammed it behind him.

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