26. If I Didn't Have You

One more week until Chicago P.D. comes back! Am I the only one who didn't know that Jesse was Bobby Brady in the Brady Bunch Movie? As if I needed a reason to love that movie more. Everyone do yourself a favor and Youtube it. It's so corny and amazing and Jesse as a little boy, is everything...he's just everything. So cute

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The ambulance pulled up to Northwestern Memorial Hospital they'd made the 17 mile trip in no time. The trauma team opened the doors to the ambulance and Gabriela Dawson updated them on the man laying on the stretcher as he was unloaded.

"29 year old male, GSW to the upper chest. BP is 80/50 and heart rate is bradycardic at 54 BPM. He's hypoxic on his left side. Possible collapsed lung or pleural effusion. No sign of an exit would. Central line was started on scene and we've been pumping fluids en route" Gabriela explained as she followed the doctors through the ER behind Jay's stretcher.

"Bullet could've ricocheted. One of yours, Dawson?" the doctor asked.

"Yeah, he's one of ours. Um..he's got a fiancee so please do what you can" Gabriela explained as she looked through the doors as the doctors worked on Jay.

"We will" The doctor assured as he patted Gabriela's shoulder and walked into the trauma room

"Let's get a complete work up. Page CT and have them get down here with a sonography machine to see if we can locate a bullet" The doctor explained walking up to the trauma bed.

"Pupils are equal and reactive to light" A nurse said as she held Jay's eyelid's open and shined a light into them.

"Looks like the bullet entered at the arm hole and has embedded itself in the left side" Another doctor said as they removed Jay's bullet proof vest and cut his shirt off of his body.

"Decreased breath sounds on the left side. BP is 75/55" A nurse explained as she took a reading.

"Let's intubate and get him upstairs" The doctor ordered as a nurse broke open a intubation tube and tilted Jay's back and inserted the tube down his throat.

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Erin ran into the hospital as Atwater parked the car she quickly made her way up to the nurses desk.

"I'm looking for a man who was just brought in. Jay Halstead" Erin explained panic and fear clouding her voice.

"One moment" The nurse said holding up her hand.

"I don't have a moment. I need help!" Erin raised her voice at the nurse sitting across from her. "So get off your ass and go find out where he is"

"Excuse me?" The nurse asked standing from her chair. "Maybe I should just call security and have them escort you out"

Erin exhaled shakily as she looked down at the desk. "He's my fiance. Could you please find out where he is. He was shot"

"Ma'am. If you take a seat I will let you know as soon as I know something" The nurse narrowed her eyes at Erin and sat down and went back to typing on her computer.

Erin shook her head as the tears she was trying to fight welled up and spilled over. She took a shaky breath as she walked over to where the waiting room chairs were.

She wasn't expecting to come back from her break with Atwater and see ambulances' at their sting, and she sure wasn't expecting to see Jay being loaded up in the ambulance.

Erin sat down in one of the empty chairs and put her head in her hands. Here it was, the other shoe dropping. Life's cruel joke that Erin Lindsay wasn't allowed to be happy.

"Erin" A voice called from the elevator.

Erin raised her head and saw Hank Voight stepping off of the elevator. She stood up and went walking over to him. "Where is he? They won't tell me anything. I don't know what's going on"

Hank looked at Erin and he felt his heart breaking as he watched the tears rolling down her cheeks. He looked over at the empty quiet room and gestured towards it. "Let's go in here"

"Why?" Erin asked as Hank pulled her into the small room and shut the door.

"Sit down" Hank said as he looked at Erin and took a seat on the small couch.

"What the hell is going on?" Erin asked taking a seat.

"Jay is in surgery. The bullet hit in between his arm and the hole in his vest. He has a collapsed lung, some broken ribs from the impact of bullet hitting his vest. The bullet ricocheted and tore through his chest wall and missed his heart by 4 millimeters. So about the width of a fingernail is what kept the bullet from hitting his heart" Voight explained as he reached over to touch Erin's hand.

"Is he still alive?" Erin asked. She felt her stomach turning and had to fight the bile from rising in her throat.

Voight nodded. "Yeah, he's still alive. He's still in surgery. They're repairing the damage that the path of the bullet caused"

Erin sighed a shaky breath of relief as she wiped the fresh tears from her eyes. "I'm going to be sick"

Voight didn't have time to respond before Erin got up and ran out of the quiet room.

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Erin barely made it to the bathroom before her stomach heaved. She felt embarrassmed as she heard the bathroom door open and someone come in. Why not make the day better by letting someone listen to her being sick?

When she was done Erin wiped her mouth and flushed the commode. She ran a hand through her hair and opened the stall door and saw Kim Burgess leaning against the bathroom wall. "Hey"

"Hey" Erin replied walking past Burgess and over to the sink to rinse her mouth out.

"So, how far along are you?" Kim asked walking over to the sink.

Erin rinsed her mouth and grabbed a paper towel to wipe her mouth. "What are you talking about?"

Kim leaned against the sink and shook her head. "You're kidding me? You're pregnant, right?"

"No" Erin said shaking her head "I'm not...I'm not pre...pregnant"

Kim put her hand on Erin's shoulder and raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

Erin nodded "Yeah...I'm on the shot"

"When was the last time you got your shot" Burgess asked

Erin looked down at the ring on her hand and the realization that she hadn't had her shot since she did her psych hold when Voight forced her to stay. "Shit"

Kim stepped towards Erin and said "Hey..hey it's ok. It'll be fine"

Erin shook her head and leaned over and put her elbows on the sink and her head in her hands. "How did this happen?"

Kim shrugged her shoulders "Erin, I'm not sure how to tell you this. But sex. Sex is where babies come from"

Erin raised her head off of her hands and gave Burgess an icy glare.

Kim looked away "Sorry. Not the time for jokes"

"What am I going to do?" Erin asked. She felt panic rising. How could she have forgotten her shot? The one thing she ALWAYS remembers. God, she couldn't be a mother. What could she even offer as a mom?

"Just relax. Maybe you're not even pregnant. Platt had a stomach bug a few days ago. Maybe that's what you have too"

"I can't be pregnant" Erin shook her head as tears welled up in her eyes.

She needed Jay. She needed the comfort that only he could give her. But that wasn't going to happen. Because the man that she loved was currently in surgery fighting for his life.

And here Erin stands, in the bathroom of the hospital. Scared, worried, alone, and...pregnant?

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Five hours had past since Jay had went into surgery. It was almost one in the morning. Everyone was crowded into the waiting room on the surgical floor.

Erin was curled up onto the couch in the waiting room with her feet curled up under her. She had her sweater spread over her and her head rested on her hand. Her eyes were getting heavier as she tried to focus on the episode of "Family Guy"

Adam Ruzek walked into the waiting room with a to go bag of food from Ihop. He nodded to Voight who was in the corner talking to Olinsky and Dawson as he walked over to the couch where Erin was sitting.

He sat down next to her and Erin turned her gaze to look at him.

"I got you something to eat" Adam said reaching down into the bag.

Erin shook her head "I don't want it"

Ruzek sighed as he reached into the bag and pulled out the silverware and napkins. "Erin you're going to eat something if I have to hold you down and force you to eat it"

Erin raised her head off her hand and sat up on the couch. She did have to admit whatever was in the bag did smell amazing. "What is it?"

Ruzek pulled the box out of the bag and handed it to Erin. "Buttermilk pancakes, bacon and hash browns"

Erin smiled and took the box and grabbed her fork and a syrup container. "Thank you"

Ruzek smiled and reached into the bag and pulled out his container. He pulled it onto his lap and opened it. "MMMM"

"What is that?" Erin asked taking a bite of her syrup covered pancake.

"It's a bacon white cheddar melt and fries" Ruzek smiled and reached down into the container to pick up half of his sandwich.

"Could I have a piece of it?" Erin asked as she swallowed her pancake.

"But you have that" Ruzek said gesturing to the container of food on Erin's lap.

"Yeah, but that looks really good" Erin answered looking over at Adam.

"Well, do you want to trade?" Adam asked.

"Oh no. I want this. I just want to try yours" Erin said simply as she took another bite of her pancakes.

Ruzek sighed and cut part of his sandwich in half and handed it to Erin. "Could I have some of your bacon then?"

Erin took the part of sandwich that Ruzek gave her and took a bite of it. "No. This is mine"

"Well, that's kind of selfish" Ruzek frowned and looked down at his food. He looked over at Kim who was shaking her head no at him as a silent plea for him to shut up.

Adam looked over at Erin and made a face when he watched her dip the bread of his melt into the small container of syrup. "Gross"

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It was almost three in the morning when the doctor came out. He took his surgical mask off and stepped into the waiting room.

Erin stood up and walked over to where the doctor was standing. Voight and the rest of the team stood up and walked over to the doctor.

"Erin, hi I'm Dr. Amato" The middle aged man extended his hand and shook Erin's hand.

"Hi. How's Jay?" Erin asked.

"He's stable. We were able to go in and repair the damage that the bullet caused. However, we did have to cut into his leg to use an artery to repair some damage done in his chest cavity. Jay's very lucky, I was able to repair the damage without cracking his chest open. And the bullet came to stop less than an inch from his heart and any bypassed any major arteries" Dr. Amato explained.

"Is he going to be ok?" Erin asked. She felt Voight's hand come up to her shoulder and squeeze it in a sign of support.

Dr. Amato nodded "He's in recovery. He'll stay in the hospital for a few days until we're sure he's stable enough to be released"

"Can I see him?" Erin asked

"Yes ma'am" Dr. Amato said. "I want to tell you that he's intubated with a tube going down his throat. It's to aid in his breathing so there's not so much stress on his heart and lungs after such an invasive surgery"

Erin nodded and took a breath "Ok"

Dr. Amato nodded "If you'll follow me. I'll take you back to him"

Erin followed Dr. Amato down the hall and to the post op rooms of the hospital. The rooms were all dark and quiet since it was the middle of the night. The two continued their walk down the hall and came to a stop at a room with glass windows just in front of the nurses' station.

"He's right in here. It's well past visiting hours, but I'll let the nurses know to give you a few minutes. Jay is under a lot of sedation, so don't really expect to get a response from him. But feel free to talk to him" Dr. Amato encouraged.

"Do you think he'll be able to hear me?" Erin asked

"There's a possibility" Dr. Amato said. "If you need anything, just let the nurses know. I'll be back in the morning to check in on Jay"

"Thank you" Erin said looking over her shoulder at Dr. Amato.

"You're welcome" Dr. Amato said he shook Erin's hand one last time and walked down the hall.

Erin watched him leave and she took a breath and walked into Jay's room.

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The room was quiet as Erin walked in. Jay laid still on the bed. The blanket covered him to the middle of his chest and his arms laid straight beside him. He had a blood pressure cuff attached to one arm and an IV and a pulse oximeter on his other arm. The vent tube that came out of his mouth that aided his breathing was taped to the side of his mouth as the medicine being pumped into his body kept him asleep.

Erin felt her stomach turn as she slowly walked over to him. She sat down in the chair next to his bed and took ahold of his hand.

"Hey" Erin took a shaky breath as the tears welled up in her eyes. "What were you thinking going upstairs like that?"

The sound of the ventilator and the beeping of the heart monitor attached to his chest was the only noise that filled the room.

Erin couldn't fight the tears as they spilled over her eyelashes and down her cheeks. "You can't leave me. Please. I need you. You promised me that we are going to be together forever. We're supposed to get married..."

Erin's voice trailed of as she held tighter to Jay's hand and she ran a hand over her flat stomach "We're supposed to have babies"

Erin kept her eyes down on the hand that was on her stomach. "If I'm pregnant. I don't know what I'll do without you. I need you to wake up and come back to me. I can't face this without you. So please...Jay, please don't leave me. We can get the chocolate cake that you and Adam want. I don't care about any of that. I don't care about the wedding or food or invitations or my dress...well maybe my dress. But none of that matters without you. You saved me. This past year, it's all been you and everything that you've done for me. Everything that you've sacrificed for me. I want to be able to give you the things that we've talked about. A home, a life, a marriage, a family. So, I'm gonna need you to come back to me"

Erin couldn't fight it anymore. The sobs that she'd tried so hard to hold in wrecked her body and she laid her head on top of Jay's hand and cried.

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Hank Voight walked down the hospital hallway at the start of visiting hours. He turned the corner and stopped in the doorway of Jay's room. Erin was still sitting in the chair next to Jay's bed. Her head was resting against the headrest. She watched Jay through heavy eyes and the dark circles she had told Voight that she'd not slept. Every few moments her eyes would close and just as she'd drift off her head would fall to the side and she'd wake herself back up.

Hank walked into the room and he reached down and placed a hand on Erin's shoulder. "Erin, you need to go home and get some sleep"

Erin shook her head and kept her eyes on Jay's sleeping form. "I'm fine. I just need some coffee"

Voight knelt down until he was level with Erin. "Kid, go get yourself some sleep. I'll stay here"

Erin turned her gaze from Jay's bed over to where Voight was knelt down next to her. "What if he wakes up and I'm not here?"

Voight frowned and looked over at Jay before looking at Erin. "Then I'll tell him where you are"

Erin shook her head "I'll stay"

Voight stood up and reached down for Erin's arm. "You need to go get some rest. If anything happens good or bad. I will call you. The sooner you go back to your place and rest, the sooner you can come back here. Jay's in the best place that he can be, kid. They'll take good care of him. So do yourself a favor and take care of yourself"

"I'll have to call a cab" Erin's voice was caked with exhaustion as she spoke.

Voight shook his head "Burgess is in the waiting room. She'll take you home"

Erin nodded as she stood up and the hot tears welled as she looked down at Jay. There wasn't any change from last night. She should know. She had sat in that chair all night watching the machines.

She felt her heart breaking as she bent over him and placed a kiss on his cheek before raising back up.

She saw Kim standing in the doorway of Jay's room as she raised up. She squeezed her eyes shut as everything around her got fuzzy and she stumbled back into Voight's grasp.

"You ok?" she heard Voight ask.

"Yeah...yeah...I'm fine" Erin forced a smile. "I just stood up to fast"

Hank eyed Erin suspiciously, but he didn't press he on it. At least not yet. "Burgess, take Erin back to her apartment. Make suere she stays there"

"Yes sir" Burgess said as Erin walked over to her.

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"I can't go in there and get it" Erin said as she sipped on her orange juice.

"At least if you go in and get it, you'll know. Either way" Burgess looked over at Erin as the two sat parked outside of CVS pharmacy.

"If I take it and I'm pregnant. What am I going to do?" Erin looked down at the bottle of orange juice and tried to will he hands to stop shaking.

"I don't know" Burgess said honestly. "But, you'll figure it out. You and Jay always do. And you never know, this could be the beginning of something you've always dreamed of"

"Do you think I'd be a good mom?" Erin asked looking over at Kim.

Kim smiled at Erin and nodded "I think you'd be amazing. Erin, I know that we don't get to work together a lot, and I hope that changes one day. But you're one of the strongest, kindest, most loving people that I know. If this is happening, I couldn't imagine a luckier baby. You and Jay will be fine. We'll all be here for you guys, so don't think that you're on your own"

Erin nodded and she looked out at the pharmacy but didn't move to get out of the car.

"Do you want me to go in and get it for you?" Burgess asked.

Erin simply nodded and her shaking hand gave the money over to Burgess.

"I'll be right back" Kim said as she got out of the car and went into the pharmacy.

Burgess walked in and down to the aisle that she was looking for. She walked down to the end of the aisle and scanned the boxes and she grabbed one off the shelf. Burgess walked down towards the register and she felt someone ran into her.

"Watch it"

Burgess instantly recognized the voice and she bent down to pick up the box she'd dropped from the impact of the collision. "Platt. What are you doing here"

"This is America, Burgess. I don't know how far you went in school, but you should've learned this is a free country and I can go where I want when I want" Platt said looking down at Kim who stood up and concealed what was in her hand.

"I just meant, I thought you lived on the other side of town" Burgess held the pregnancy test behind her leg as she looked at Platt.

"I am going to see Halstead if you need to know my business. What are you trying to hide?" Platt asked.

"Nothing" Kim said as she felt her pulse quicken.

"What's in your hand?" Platt asked folding her arms over her chest.

"Nothing...see" Kim said holding up her empty hand.

"Nice try, Burgess. What do you have?" Platt asked reaching for what Burgess had in her hand.

"It's nothing" Kim said as she tried to twist her arm away from Platt's.

"Oh God. You can't be serious" Platt said as she caught a glimpse of the pink First Response pregnancy test box in Burgess' hand.

"Platt. It's not what..." Burgess started.

"Does Ruzek know?" Platt asked.

Kim thought for a minute. She looked out the windows at where her car was parked. She couldn't rat Erin out, so she sighed and shook her head. "No. He doesn't know"

Platt rolled her eyes "I can't believe that you were this stupid, Burgess. You've ruined your life now. You're never going to get to go up to Intelligence now"

"I might not even be pregnant. I can pretty much guarantee you that I'm not" Burgess shifted in her spot as she felt Platt's gaze on her.

"Oh, please. You're pregnant. It's in your hips" Platt said.

"What?!" Burgess said looking down at her slender frame.

"I just hope it's not as dumb as Ruzek is. He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag" Platt shook her head.

"I have to go" Burgess said. "Do me a favor and don't tell anybody about this. Let's just keep it covered for now"

"Keep it covered?" Platt repeated. "Maybe Ruzek should've kept himself covered and this wouldn't have happened"

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Voight watched as the newest nurse that was assigned to Jay came in and took his vitals.

"How's he doing?" Voight asked

"About the same" The nurse said not looking up from Jay's chart. "Gun shot wounds to the chest seem to be pretty serious"

"I wasn't looking for a smart ass remark. I was asking how one of my men are" Voight narrowed his eyes at the nurse who looked up from her chart.

"His vitals are stable. The catheter bag is showing good urine out put. His drainage tubes look clear and the surgical site looks good. He just needs to take it upon himself to wake up" The nurse looked away from Voight and back down to Jay's chart.

Voight really wanted to lay into the nurse, but he took a few moments to compose himself knowing he had promised Erin he'd stay where he was and he knew that any threat or outburst would surely get him escorted out of the hospital. So he ate and forced a smile "Thank you"

The nurse didn't respond. She laid Jay's chart down and walked out of the room leaving Hank alone with Jay.

Voight sighed and thought for a minute as he looked at Jay.

"Halstead, I don't know if you can hear me or not. So, I'm just going to say something to you that I don't really even want to say. I was wrong. I was wrong about you and your intentions with Erin. I apologize for the way that I've reacted to you two over the last few months. I know that it hasn't been favorable. But you took it, and that really showed me something. I don't do inhouse romance, because bad things happen when you get distracted from your job. But, I think from day one it was going to happen with you and Erin. I'm pretty sure it was beyond even my power to stop it. So whatever fight you've got left, Halstead. You need to use it. Erin's come so far since her attack and I've never seen her as happy as she is when she's with you. She's like Camille and I always wanted her to be. And Olinsky was right. I wasn't exactly the smartest person pairing the two of you together in a car day in and day out. But, if you die...that's it for Erin. You know that and I know that. She won't come back from this, Halstead. So you're going to have to wake up. You took a bullet for your team and I know that there's no greater act than a man who would lay down his life for his brother. But Erin needs you here. So, you need to give her the things that you promised her that you'd give her. Don't break a promise, Halstead"

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Erin put the pink lid back on the white stick and sat it down on the sink. She looked in the mirror at her reflection and sighed.

Three minutes.

In 180 seconds her life could change forever.

Was she ready for this? Was Jay ready for this? How were they going to afford this? Where were they going to live? Her apartment? His place wasn't big enough for him and her. Let alone him, her and a baby.

And what if Jay dies? Her heart couldn't take the thought of that even happening.

Of course she wanted a baby. She wanted nothing more than to have a life and a family with the man that she loved. She wanted to be the kind of mother she only had in Camille. But she didn't know if now was the right time. She and Jay weren't even married yet. And Voight? God, the thought of his reaction was enough to make her want to throw up.

The sound of the timer beeping startled Erin from her thoughts and she picked the white stick up from the sink and flipped it over just as the phone rang in the background.

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I can't thank you guys enough for reading and reviewing this story. I know that so many of you write your own stories and believe me there are ones I've read that are beyond words amazing. It takes a lot of nerve to put something out there and have other people give their opinions on it. So, I can't stress enough how much I appreciate all of you taking your time to write me a small review. With anything, I know that some chapters are better than others, it's a work in progress. I'm sure it always will be. But the point of my rambling is just to thank each and every one of you. So thanks! And HAPPY NEW YEAR!