66. So Many Words For The Broken Heart

I am so thankful for all the reviews on the last chapter. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and review. Your support means more to me than I could ever begin to explain. I hope that you'll continue to read and enjoy.

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Olivia loaded the last dish into the dishwasher and started it before turning the kitchen light off and walking into the living room. She smiled when she saw Hank sitting in his usual spot in his lazy boy chair with Noah on his lap.

"You see, this guy, Marcus, he's friends with the victim and I can tell you right now, he knows something" Hank explained as he pointed to the TV. "He's shifty"

"Shifty?" Noah repeated as he looked at Hank and leaned back into him.

"Yeah, he's hiding something. Mark my words, he knows why his friend, Fiona ended up in that ditch with her head cut off" Hank expained.

"What are you watching?" Olivia asked as she walked over to where Hank was sitting.

"The First 48" Hank said looking up from the TV.

"I don't think Noah needs to be watching this. He's going to have nightmares" Olivia said reaching over Hank for the remote.

Hank quickly grabbed the remote before Olivia could and looked at her. "He likes it. Don't you Noah?"

Noah looked up at Olivia and nodded "Me wike it, mama"

Olivia shook her head as she heard Hank laugh. "It's bedtime though. You have a big day tomorrow. You get to go to your new day care. Isn't that going to be fun?"

Noah shook his head and curled into Hank "No! Me stay here. Stay wif daddy and Ev Ev"

Olivia sighed and looked at Noah "He's not going to be here. He's going to be at work and Everly is going to be at day care with you. You two will be able to play together all day long. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Noah shook his head again and looked at Hank "Me stay wif you daddy"

Hank looked at Olivia before looking at Noah. "I've got to go to work buddy. But you're going to have a lot of fun at day care. Al's daughter Michelle works there and you know Antonio? His daughter Eva helps there after school"

"Tonio?" Noah said.

"Yeah, and Matty Dawson, Aidan and Kaden Severide. So you're going to have all kinds of friends to play with" Hank explained.

Noah nodded his head and looked at Olivia "Me go"

Olivia smiled and looked down at her watch "It's bedtime buddy"

Noah shook his head and "No, I no sweepy"

Olivia looked at Hank who gave her an apologetic look "I'll put him to bed. You go on up"

Olivia tilted her head and looked at Hank "You're going to put him to bed?"

Hank nodded "Yeah, I think I can manage putting a toddler to bed"

"Alright" Olivia said as she made her way to the stairs "Good luck"

Hank watched as Olivia started up the stairs and he looked back at the TV "See Noah, I told you that Marcus was going to get arrested. You spend enough time as a cop, you learn a few things"

In spite of it all Olivia couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face as she walked upstairs. Who'd have ever thought she'd be here? A mother and starting her career over in another city with a man she didn't even like when she'd first met him. But just like Noah, Hank had somehow been a missing piece in Olivia's life. And while she missed everyone in New York, she found herself happy. For the first time in a very, very long time Olivia Benson finally felt like things were perfect.

Olivia walked down the hall towards the bedroom and she stopped when she passed Erin's old room and found her sitting on the bed in her robe.

"Erin?" Olivia asked as she leaned against the door frame "Are you OK?"

Erin looked up to Olivia with tears in her eyes before shaking her head "No, I'm bleeding"

Erin barely got the words out out before Olivia was by her side and knealing by the bed. "It's going to be OK. We're going to go and get you looked at. I'm sure everything is just fine. There's nothing to be worried about"

Erin wiped away a tear that fell "This is all my fault. If I lose the twins...I don't know what I'll do"

Olivia quickly grabbed some sweats out of Erin's bag and handed them to her "You can't think like that. I'm sure that it's fine, OK? This isn't your fault, you've done nothing wrong, nothing. You get dressed and we'll go to the emergency room"

Erin nodded and looked over her shoulder to where Everly was sound asleep in the pack and play before she looked back at Olivia. "I need to call Jay"

Olivia shook her head "You let me do that. I'll take care of it. You just worry about getting dressed. Are you bleeding badly?"

Erin shrugged her shoulders "I don't really know. I noticed it in the shower. It was a fluttering and I looked down and I saw it"

"I'm going to call Jay, and I'll tell Hank what's going on. Everything is going to be OK, Erin." Olivia assured as she made her way to the door.

Olivia watched as Erin slowly stood up and grabbed her sweats to get dressed before she walked down the hall to go find Hank.

That's the thing about life for Olivia Benson. When things seem like they're falling into place and are finally perfect, the other shoe always drops.

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Jay sat next to Erin's bed in the exam room on the ER as he looked at his wife. Getting a 9 PM phone call from Olivia wasn't something that he was expecting and when she told him that she was bringing Erin to the ER for some bleeding, he felt like someone was slowly squeezing the life out of him. He couldn't even put words together, he just quickly walked out of the door as fast as he could and drove straight to the hospital.

Once Erin had gotten registered in she was led back to an exam room at Northwestern Women's Hospital. Where the two had been waiting for the last half an hour to be seen.

Jay ran his fingers over Erin's hand as his wife nodded on and off as she laid in the hospital bed in the exam room.

"Jay" Erin's raspy voice whispered.

"Yeah?" Jay replied.

"I'm sorry" Erin said as her eyes opened and she looked at her husband.

Jay shook his head and looked at his wife "You don't have anything to be sorry for"

Erin looked away from Jay and out at the rain that moonlight that shown across downtown Chicago. "He honestly didn't hit me in the stomach, Jay. I turned and took the impact on my shoulder and back. You have to believe me. I never would've..."

Jay tightened his grip on Erin's hand as her voice trailed off "I know"

"This is all my fault" Erin whispered.

"It's going to be OK. Whatever happens, we're going to face it together. I promise you that. We always do, don't we?" Jay assured.

Erin nodded and moved her hand to rest over her stomach.

The curtain to Erin's exam area opened and an older doctor walked in and looked at Erin's chart. "Mrs. Halstead?"

Erin nodded and looked at the doctor. "I'm Dr. Parker. I'll be attending to you tonight"

Erin shook the man's hand who went on to shake Jay's hand. "Where's Dr. Backus?"

Dr. Parker looked up from the chart and looked at Erin. "She's in the delivery room with another patient. She's brought me up to speed with your case and I'm happy to see you"

Erin looked at Jay and then back at Dr. Parker. "Ok"

Dr. Parker sat Erin's chart down and went to wash his hands. "Has the bleeding stopped since you've been here?"

Erin nodded. "It stopped on the drive over here"

"Was it heavy?" Dr. Parker asked as he dried his hands and grabbed some gloves and slipped them on.

"I used a pad, but it was a light days one. Not a regular one" Erin explained embarrassment radiating over her.

"Ok" Dr. Parker said as he walked over to Erin's bed "Any cramping?"

Erin shook her head no as a nurse came in and lowered Erin's bed back. Dr. Parker pulled the the sheet covering Erin's legs down over her hips and pulled her hospital gown up abover her stomach as he started to press around her abdomen. "Any pain?"

Erin shook her head again as Dr. Parker continued to press around her stomach. Once satisfied he stopped and pulled Erin's gown back down and the blanket back up. "I don't feel any tenderness or abnormalities. However, I'd like to do a transvaginal ultrasound to get a better look at things. How far along are you?"

"I'm about 14 weeks" Erin answered.

Dr. Parker nodded and disposed of his gloves and made a note on Erin's chart. "I'll make an order for the ultrasound and I'll be back to administer it"

Twenty minutes later Dr. Parker was back with the ultrasound machine and Erin laid her head back against the pillows and looked towards the screen as Dr. Parker prepared to administer the ultrasound. "You know the drill, just a little pressure"

Erin frowned as she felt the transvaginal wand inside her and she held tight to Jay's hand as Dr. Parker moved the wand to search for the twins.

"Ok, right there..." Dr. Parker said holding the wand still and looking at the screen. "Right there is Baby A"

Dr. Parker flipped the sound on and the sound on Baby A's heartbeat filled the room and Erin and Jay both sighed with relief at the sound. "Baby A's heart rate is 156. That's excellent. Now let's see if we can find Baby B"

Erin kept her eyes on the screen as Dr. Parker moved the wand around again. He kept his eyes on the screen as he worked and his brow furrowed as he moved the wand and Erin felt her heart sink.

"What's wrong?" Erin asked.

"It's just taking a minute to find Baby B. Sometimes multiples like to hide" Dr. Parker said as he inserted the wand and little further and Erin gasped at the discomfort and tightened her grip on Jay's hand.

"Just relax Erin" Dr. Parker said.

Jay stood up from his chair and moved to stand beside Erin as he brushed the hair out of her face as the room fell into an eerie silence.

Erin felt tears burning her lids as she looked at Jay her heart breaking. "Jay, I..."

"It's Ok" Jay assured as he brought his hand up to wipe away Erin's tears. "It's going to be Ok"

Jay felt his own heart breaking at the silence in the room but he had to be strong for his wife. He couldn't let her see him break down.

Jay leaned his head down to give Erin a kiss on her forehead as the sound of a stong, rhythmic beat filled the room.

"There's Baby B" Dr. Parker said. "Just being a little stubborn"

Erin didn't fight back the strangled sob that escaped her mouth as she started crying and Jay quickly kissed her as they both turned and looked at the screen.

"Baby B's fetal heart rate is 181, that's excellent" Dr. Parker said as he finished up the ultrasound.

"They're both Ok?" Jay asked as he finally tore his eyes away from the monitor.

"They're perfect. They're right on track, growing and about the size of plumbs. From what I could see on the ultrasound, everything looks great. I suspect it's from Erin's uterus growing to make room for twins. Bleeding with multiples is very common. If there's no cramping or heavy bleeding, I don't see any problems. I would suggest taking the weekend to relax off of your feet. But I don't really see why you can't work. I'll set you up with a follow up appointment with Dr. Backus in two weeks just to make sure things are still going well, and of course if you have any problems between now and then come back to the ER" Dr. Parker explained as he shook both Erin and Jay's hands and walked out of the room.

Erin looked at Jay and gave him a small smile as he helped her out of bed. "So, what are you going to do with a whole weekend of me taking care of you?"

Erin shook her head and grabbed her sweats as she started to get dressed. "You don't have to take care of me Jay. He said to just take it easy. And I'll take it easy. It doesn't mean that I can't take care of you guys as well. Besides, we are going to take Ev to the zoo this weekend. I don't want to miss that. I want to spend as much time with her that we can before we bring these two into the world"

Erin ran her hand over her stomach and looked at Jay who had walked up to her.

"And we will" Jay assured "But you also need to focus on you and these two. There are plenty of days left to take Evie to the zoo"

Erin shook her head "No, that's not fair to her. I don't want Evie to ever sacrifice. She deserves better than that"

"Erin" Jay started. "You heard what Dr. Parker said"

Erin nodded "I did, but the zoo isn't going to be bad for me. I'll take it easy. I promise. I don't want to miss out on these one on one moments with our daughter. Becasue once these twins come, she's going to have to share our attention and I want her to know how much we love her and will continue to love her even after she has siblings"

Jay sighed and looked at his wife "Baby, she knows that we love her. In fact she's at the age where she's already using it against us. Everly is never going to go a day without knowing how much we love her. I know that and she knows that and this mom guilt stuff, baby you just have to let that go"

Erin closed her eyes as Jay wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the forehead.

"We're still taking her to the zoo"

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Kim slipped the key into her and Adam's apartment door and she quietly shut it behind her. She hadn't meant to stay out so late. She had stayed for coffee and doughnuts after Sean's AA meeting and had really started to bond with the people that had shared their stories. So it was almost midnight when she walked through the door.

The entire apartment was dark and quiet so she figured that Adam and Jackson were already asleep. Kim quietly toed her shoes off and walked down the hall and into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and grabbed a water, she'd just taken a drink when the kitchen light flipped on.

Kim jumped and she turned her head and looked behind her and saw her husband leaning against the door frame of the kitchen staring at her.

"Adam, you scared the hell out of me" Kim said.

"How was dress shopping?" Adam asked "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Kim took a drink of her water and screwed the cap back on. "We didn't really find anything she liked. I think we're going to back out next weekend"

"Oh?" Adam said as he walked over to Kim and wrapped his arms around her. "It must've been hard spending all that time with Platt tonight"

Kim shrugged her shoulders "It wasn't that bad. She's picky, but she's Platt. I don't think she'd be any other way when it comes to her wedding"

Adam nodded and walked over to the kitchen counter, he picked up a few magazines and looked back at his wife.

"What's that?" Kim asked.

Adam looked at them and tossed the magazines to Kim's feet. "Platt dropped those off tonight. Said to tell you she liked the royal blue dress on page 36"

Kim kept her eyes on the floor too ashamed to look at her husband. "Adam..."

"If you're not going to start by telling me where the hell you were tonight, then I don't give a damn what the next words that are coming out of your mouth are. So answer me this, Where were you?" Adam asked.

Kim knew there wasn't a point in lying to him. It would only make him madder. "I was at Roman's AA meeting"

"I knew it" Adam spat "You lied to me, Kim"

Adam started to walk out of the kitchen and Kim quickly followed him. "I knew if i told you that you wouldn't understand"

Adam whipped around and looked at his wife "Are you fucking him?"

Kim stepped back as if Adam had hit her. "What? No!"

Adam threw his hands up in the air "Well what the hell am I supposed to believe Kim? You sneak out behind my back to go see a guy who beat the hell out of you and could have ruined my life. Are you honestly this stupid? You're doing the same shit that Erin pulled on Jay and I'm not going to stand for it. I'm your husband and you'll respect me. If you don't like it, you know where the door is"

"Adam" Kim started.

"I don't want to hear it" Adam said as he walked down the hall.

"Please" Kim said as he eyes welled with tears.

Adam turned around to the sound of Kim's voice cracking "Don't cry. You don't get to cry. You made your choice Kim. You knew what you were doing was wrong and yet here you are sneaking out lying to me and leaving your son to go out and see some sick fuck who is probably just using you"

"It's not like that Adam I swear" Kim said "It's different. He's different"

Adam shook his head "You're actually going to stand there and defend Sean Roman to me? ME of all people?!"

Kim didn't want to fight with Adam. She just wanted to go to bed. She didn't know why he was over-reacting over something so small. It's not like she and Roman were in a hotel room together. They were in a public place and she thought for sure that Adam would be proud of her for being the bigger person in this situation "Adam, please. I'm sorry"

Adam shook his head and turned around "It's a little too late for that. I can't even look at you right now. Because everytime I do it just makes me sick"

"Adam" Kim said her voice shaking "I'm sorry"

Adam didn't say anything. He simply ignored her pleas and walked down the hall to the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

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Erin looked at the letter in her hand from the Parole Board from the State of Illinois. It was a letter informing her that her father was a month away from being released and a letter stating that he wished to reside in Chicago when he was released. And suddenly the momory of the good meeting she'd had with her father when she'd went to visit him was clouded by memories of the abuse she faced growing up.

"I think my dad wants to move up here," Erin blurted out, to Hank and Olivia who were standing in her and Jay's kitchen. Erin, who was resting at the table, looked up frowning.

"Why? I mean what's up here for him?" Hank shrugged and turned to face Erin.

"Well, there's you and your kids. Honestly, I think he just wants a fresh start. Somewhere nobody knows his sordid past and he can start from scratch." Olivia explained as she looked at her Erin concerned.

"I thought things went well when you went to see him" Hank said.

"They did. I care about him, you know that, but what about my family?" Erin said with a sad sigh as Hank looked at her curiously.

"What happens if Dad moves up here to make his fresh start but he can't change. What if it happens again Hank? This time, it affects four more innocent people who don't need to deal with my dysfuntional past."

"If my dad moves up here and starts dealing again, it will hurt my family. Jay and I would lose everything, which we've worked so hard for, and Everly and the twins will have to grow up just the way I did. I do not want my children to suffer for any reason. It's the last thing they deserve," she sighed and dropped her head into her hands.

"I don't want to live life waiting for the other shoe to drop either. It's not fair to Jay and the kids and most of all it's not fair to me."

Olivia nodded and took a seat beside Erin. "I know you're scared Erin. I understand that, and what it comes down to is your choice and how you feel comfortable. I know you and I know you though, and I know how you give chances." Erin turned to Olivia angrily.

"I've given him too many chances Olivia. He hurt me with every one. Now I've moved on. I'm not the same little girl who hid from the world because everyone knew she was the drug dealers daughter. I'm somebody's wife now. I'm a mother to three children who need me to keep their lives stable. I can't take a chance that could potentially destroy their lives." Erin pushed the chair out of the table and walked over to the counter.

"Er, I need..." Jay entered the kitchen, his shirtsleeves rolled up around his elbows. "Baby what's wrong?" he moved quickly to her side, pulling her into his arms. "It's alright Erin, I'm right here." Erin wrapped her arms around his chest and cried into his shoulder.

"I'm a horrible person," she sobbed, tears soaking Jay's shirt. Hank moved toward Erin and Jay but Olivia held up a hand to stop him from interrupting the married couple.

"Why can't I let go of these things? It's been so long Jay why can't I let go? Everything was going so well and then we come home and get the letter from his parole board and it's all I've thought about. I really thought we were in a good place when I went to talk to him. And now that it's time for him to be released, I'm scared" Erin cried.

"Erin, you listen to me," he said sternly, pulling her away to look into her eyes. "It's hard to let go. So very hard to let go when these things have ruled every decision you've made in your entire life." He brushed her tears away gently.

"Do you know why I love you?" he asked, smiling crookedly, as he held her steady against his body. Erin shook her head as her tears slowed and looked up at him.

"I love you because you are strong, smart, compassionate, beautiful, sensible, caring and most of all because when you love somebody you love them with your entire heart and soul, not just halfway." Her body shook as she fought to regain her breath. "I love you because you show me every day what a beautiful heart you have. You believed in me, even when you shouldn't have, you give me every single part of yourself and more when I need it, even if you're too tired to give any more. You are my best friend in the world above all else and nothing in the universe comes before what's best for your children."

Jay pulled her into his arms again. "You can't stand there and tell me you're a horrible person because I know it's just not true. You have to feel what you feel, it's what makes you real and beautiful, no matter how awful you think it is." Erin breathed in his warm scent and pulled away, looking into his eyes.

"Where did I find you?" she whispered, cupping his chin in her hands. "I love you so much Jay." He smiled and kissed her hand.

"I love you too Baby. Now I think you've had way too much excitement for one day. You need to go upstairs and rest, how does that sound?" She sighed appreciatively and steadied herself.

"I'm taking Everly home with me to stay the night" Hank started. "I don't want you to argue about it.. I want you to sleep and we will meet you guys at the zoo tomorrow." Erin smiled and hugged Hank.

"Thank You." Erin whispered and she walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"You love her a lot don't you?" Hank asked his son in law after a quiet moment. "You make her happier than I've ever seen her and I want to thank you for that"

Jay's jaw remained tight as he eyed the older man.

"She's my wife, and she deserves to be happy. Now I know I probably don't have any right to say this but I'm going to say it anyways. Erin's entire life has been one living hell after another. She's finally got things the way she wants them and I'll be damned if I let this guy screw this up for her."

Hank nodded sullenly. "Halstead..."

"She's giving him another chance. If he's going to blow this one too I want you both to do whatever you have to do to keep him away from her because my wife is the most important person in the whole world to me, and I don't ever want to see her hurt like that again." Jay looked angrily between Hank and Olivia to make sure they understood.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it Jay" Hank assured. "There's 30 days until his release. We won't worry about it until he is out"

"Just focus on Erin right now and Everly and the twins" Olivia added. "The rest will be taken care of then"

Jay nodded and looked over at the stairs. "If he hurts her again..."

Hank held his hand up to stop Jay from talking. "Believe me Jay. I've dealt with this a lot longer than you have. I know how the guy works. I'll handle it"

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Please Review.

Also, was Adam too harsh with Kim? Is the bonding between Hank and Jay weird? How about the relationship between Hank and Olivia? How would you like to see that progress?