30. Chapter 30

Kate reached for the door handle and grasped the cold metal in her tiny fist, hoping to open the door quietly and slip out the back of the house unnoticed. "Kate?" Jay asked, surprise evident in his voice. He stopped in his tracks and glanced worriedly at the bundled up little girl. "Where are you going, Squirt?"

She grimaced and lowered her hand, shoving it into the pocket of her winter coat. Kate stood there, unsure of what to do or what to say. "I, um, gotta go," she whispered, tilting her head down so that her damp brown locks obstructed her father's view of her face.

"Are you dreaming?" Jay quickly crossed the kitchen and sank in front of his daughter, trying to meet her eyes. When he saw that she was clear-eyed and lucid, he sat back on his heels in concern, "Where do you have to go?"

"Out," Kate shrugged, eyes still cast downward, avoiding her father's concerned gaze. She focused on the loose laces that pooled at her feet and shifted slightly from one foot to the other.

"Without telling Mommy or me?" He raised his eyebrows suspiciously. His little girl was not one to disobey the rules or do anything that she thought might make him or Erin mad. Not that he could ever be mad at her, but she always worried and therefore never took the risk.

"It would be easier," Kate swallowed the lump in her throat and lifted her head, "I didn't want you to stop me."

"Stop you from leaving?" Jay extended a hand to tuck Kate's hair behind her tiny ears but stopped when she flinched, "It's late though, sweetheart. We can go outside in the morning. And it would make us worry if you're out there all alone, so maybe one of us could go with you? You should always have a grown up when you go outside."

Kate shook her head, "You-you can't come with me."

"Where do you want to go?" Jay asked gently, observing her nervous expression as she watched him watch her, "Do you have a place in mind?"

"I don't wanna go, I have to," Kate informed him, reaching up for the doorknob again, "I gotta leave."

"Why do you think that you have to leave, sweetheart?" Jay's concern was ramping up with every passing second, his little girl appearing more and more worked up. He took her small extended hand in his own, gently rubbing her tiny fingers.

"Cause odder-wise Mr. P's gonna get you and Mommy," Tears welled in Kate's eyes, "And he wants me. So I gotta go."

"Oh, no, Squirt." Jay shook his head quickly, finally realizing what was going on in his baby's head, "You don't have to go. You're safe here, I promise."

"Jay?" Erin stood by the fridge, looking quizzically at her partner and daughter, both by the back door, "What's going on? Why is Kate wearing her coat? Did you have a bad dream, baby?"

Kate shook her head, tears now trickling down her cheeks. "I-I gotta leave." She drew her hand back from Jay's hold to swipe it across her runny nose, "I gotta."

Jay reached out and wiped the tears away, but more replaced them quickly. "You don't have to go, kiddo, you can stay right here, with me and Mommy and Grandpa Hank."

"No, no, I need to leave," Kate insisted, reached for the door again through her tears, "If I go, he won't hurt you anymore."

"He's not going to hurt us, baby," Erin promised, squatting down beside her partner, "We've got police inside and outside. We're all safe here."

Kate shook her head furiously, hand still clutching the knob, "He already got you and he's gonna kill you if I don't go. I can't let him hurt you again, I can't!" She promptly burst into tears, covering her face with her small palms, Tiger falling to the floor.

For the second time in less than 24 hours, Erin felt like she had taken a knife to the gut. Her poor little girl was trying to sacrifice herself so that the man who abused her wouldn't hurt her parents. "Oh, Squirt," Jay pulled his daughter into his arms and held her closely, "Paul Jackson can't get anywhere near us. You don't have to be with him, ever. We're your parents, it's our job to protect you."

"But-but it's my fault Mommy got hurt!" Kate pushed away from Jay's chest, "It's my fault!"

"No, sweetheart, it wasn't your fault at all. He was the one who hurt me," Erin ran a hand over Kate's hair, "He made that decision, not you."

"But he does it 'cause he wants me," Kate said flatly, wiping a hand across her face, "I heard him on the phone. And I know he could kill you cause I saw him kill lots of people." She hiccuped, "I don't want you guys to be h-hurt."

"Shh, baby." Erin brought her daughter closer to her, gently unzipping the winter coat and pushing it to the floor, "I know you've seen some horrible things, but you need to know that nothing that happened to me was your fault. I promise. I don't blame you and you do not have to go find Paul Jackson. No matter what, you are going to be with Jay and I."

"We won't even let you leave, Squirt." Jay tried to force a smile, "We want you to be here with us, okay? Please, please don't leave. It would hurt us more to lose you."

Kate sniffed loudly, "But-but what if he tries to hurt you? Or Grandpa Hank?" She glanced up at Erin, who was continually running a hand through the little girl's hair, "I-I-I don't want him to hurt Mommy like he hurt me!"

"He won't, baby, he won't," Erin tried to reassure her, "We're going to get him real soon and then you won't ever have to worry."

"I-I can't stop worryin'!" Kate exclaimed, more tears surfacing, "When-when I close my eyes I-I see him gettin' you and it makes my heart hurt."

"Oh, my love." Erin wrapped her arms around the shaking child and brought her to her chest, holding her closely against Jay's old t shirt, "I know it hurts, I know."

"I-I-I just got a mommy and daddy, I c-c-can't let him kill you," Kate whimpered, her voice muffled as she pressed her face into Erin's shoulder, "I shouldn't have let you save me. T-then you wouldn't be hurt."

Jay sucked in a breath, completely overwhelmed by his daughter's statement. He glanced at Erin sadly, unsure of what he could do to make his little girl feel any better. The fact that she was able to connect Erin's concussion to them taking Kate into their home astounded Jay, as most children wouldn't have any idea. But Kate was incredibly gifted and Jay knew that in order to convince her that everything would be okay, he would have to tread carefully. "Kate, sweetheart, I know it seems like everything is really out of control right now, but you have to trust us, it is going to be okay very soon. It's okay to be worried and I know you've been through so much," Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's thin shoulders, "But Mommy is going to be absolutely fine. And we do not regret bringing you home with us. It's the best decision we ever made and we are so thankful to have you in our lives," He swallowed thickly, "Please, please, don't think that our lives would be better if we didn't meet you because that is not true."

"You saved us just the same, baby." Erin pressed a kiss atop Kate's head and reached up to wipe the tears that had slowly trickled down her partner's cheeks, "You have made us a family and you made Jay and I parents."

Kate lifted her head off her mother's shoulder and met her watery gaze, "But if-if he gets me, then I know you're safe." She held tighter to Erin, "I don't like to see you hurt."

"I know kiddo, I don't like it either," Jay ran a hand over Kate's head and wiped his eyes again, "But pretty soon Mommy's going to be all better. But if you left, we would hurt the most." He rested his head against Erin's, "When we thought we lost you in New York and after, when you got sick, those were some of the hardest days that Mommy and I ever had."

"If he got me, you would be more hurt?" Kate looked over at her father, who nodded solemnly.

"Yes, much more hurt," He smiled sadly, "Being your daddy has been the best thing that ever happened to me."

"I thought Mommy was the best thing to ever happen to you," Kate told him seriously, earning a chuckle from both Erin and Jay.

"You and Mommy both," Jay nodded, smiling with joy now, "So we'd like you to stay, alright? And we'll get the bad guys and then everything is going to be okay."

"Okay," Kate said skeptically, "But he better not hurt you."

"Grandpa Hank is making sure of that," Erin reassured her, "How about we get you back to bed, hm? It's late."

"Not yet," Kate begged, looking pleadingly from her father to her mother, "I-I don't wanna close my eyes yet."

Jay and Erin exchanged knowing looks, "Okay, do you want to come snuggle with us on the couch for a bit? Maybe hear about Grandpa Hank's day?" Jay asked, "And you can tell him about what we did? The pancakes and snowman?"

Kate nodded and raised her arms so that Jay could lift her up. He gently removed the exhausted little girl from her mother's embrace and held her closely against his chest, relishing in her presence. Erin stood shakily, reaching out instinctively to Jay for support. "Careful, Er. Let's get you sitting down," Jay quickly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led his girls to the living room where Hank was still seated.

"Rough one, huh, kid?" Hank asked Jay, working on his second beer. He had retrieved one for the young detective as well, but Jay's was seated on the coffee table, condensation dripping onto the coaster. He had one arm around Erin's shoulders and Kate was seated between them, thankfully having fallen asleep after a few minutes of talking with her grandfather. Erin was awake, cuddled between Jay and arm of the couch. Will recommended literally icing her head, so she was shivering with the icepack atop her wavy locks. The icepack had been the reason Jay had thankfully ventured to the kitchen and caught Kate trying to leave, and he was incredibly relieved that he did so.

Jay just shook his head, unable to find the words to accurately describe what Kate had told him. "She, uh, tried to give herself back to him," he choked out finally, pinching the bridge between his eyes, "Because she didn't want us to get hurt."

Hank's mouth seemed to drop a little and he ran a hand over his chin in disbelief. "Wow," he mused, shifting his gaze to his granddaughter, "She heard the phone call?"

"Hearing it just added to how upset she was about Jackson cracking me in the head," Erin said, shuddering slightly as the icepack dampened her hair, "How long did Will say I have to do this?"

"Twenty minutes." Hank and Jay said in the same breath. She huffed in response and leaned dejectedly against the cushions.

"She literally said 'When I close my eyes, I see him getting you and it makes my heart hurt'," Jay told Hank, "And she's four."

"Christ," Hank muttered, "Atwater said they're actually making headway which is good but that kid," he glanced down at his granddaughter again, "I can't believe how mature she is."

"She basically wanted to sacrifice herself," Erin murmured, "She was almost out the door." She turned to Jay, "If you hadn't been there…"

"I don't even want to think about it," Jay shook his head, "I can't think about it." Had his little girl made it out of the house and traversed the city at night by herself, Jay wouldn't ever have been able to forgive himself. And had Jackson been able to find her...he didn't even want to consider the possibility of what could have happened to her.

"Wait til she's sixteen and sneaking out of the house to meet a boy," Hank said dryly, taking a long sip of his drink, "You really won't want to think about it then."

Jay groaned, "Oh my God."

Erin chuckled, "I only ever made it out once. And you were waiting for me when I got back," She smiled wistfully at her father-figure.

"Damn near put me in a grave," Hank said honestly, "When Camille went to check on you and Justin and you weren't in your bed..." He turned to Jay, "Grounded her for like two months."

"I really doubt Kate's going to be the type to sneak out at night," Jay grimaced at the thought, "At least, I hope not. Are we really going to be worrying about that in ten years?" He glanced over to Erin, who nodded knowingly.

"Better prepare yourself now. Especially if you've got a bunch of other rugrats running around, raising teenagers is not easy." Hank gestured his head toward Erin, emphasizing what a difficult teen she was to raise.

Jay smiled sadly, gently rubbing Erin's shoulder with his fingers. "Actually, uh, Hank, I found out the other day that I um, can't actually have kids," She gave him a watery look, tears already filling her eyes after disclosing her news to the man who had taken her in. Somehow telling him made it feel more permanent, more real and less of a problem that was hers and Jay's.

Hank raised his eyebrows in surprise, his face softening, "Oh, kiddo, I'm sorry," He reached a hand out and squeezed her knee sympathetically, "Are you alright?"

"I'm not sick or anything," she reassured him, "Just a consequence of hanging out with drug dealers and popping pills when I was a kid," A tear slipped down her cheek, "I uh, didn't realize it was something I wanted, so I guess that's what hurts."

"You're keeping an eye on her?" Hank look sharply to Jay, who snapped his head to attention and nodded furiously.

"Jay's been great," Erin said quickly, removing the cold pack from her head and setting it on the armrest, "And we're okay," she tried to offer a smile, "Just you know, taking it in strides."

Jay kissed her temple gently, "The good news is, Erin is healthy and on the mend."

Hank leaned back against the armchair, relaxing at the news that his daughter wasn't gravely ill. "You know, there are other ways to make a family," he started, looking over to the little girl still snoozing between her parents, "It takes time." Hank took another thoughtful sip of his beverage, "When you came to live with us," he swallowed, unable to finish the sentence, "You're part of this family Erin. We didn't know it for fifteen years, but when you moved in, we knew."

Tears slid down Erin's cheeks as Jay stroked her hair comfortingly. "Thanks, Hank," she whispered, nestling closer to her baby and her partner.

"You really should be in bed, kiddo." Hank told her, switching back his gruffer, more authoritative voice. He eyed his detective, who appeared shaky and grey despite being seated on the couch.

"I'm fine," Erin replied tiredly, making no moves to get off the couch and separate herself from the cozy snuggle situation, "Really."

"You're pale, babe," Jay said gently, tucking loose hair behind her ear, "It may feel good to just lay down."

"Of course I'm pale, Jay," Erin wrinkled her nose, "We live in Chicago."

"You know what I mean," Jay continued to lightly stroke her hair, "Come on, let's get you and Kate into bed."

"I don't wanna sleep without Daddy," Kate's tired voice mumbled, apparently having been woken by her parent's shuffling.

"I'll be right down the hall, Squirt." Jay gently shifted the sleepy little girl so that she was resting against his chest, "We're safe here, I promise. And you'll be with Mommy."

"Mommy doesn't want to sleep without you e-der," Kate whispered, turning her head to face her mother. Erin smiled tiredly. She indeed did not want to go to sleep without her partner, but she didn't want to piss off her almost-father. The second rule of living in his house when she was fifteen had been 'No boys upstairs', which was preceded by 'no drugs'.

Erin looked over to Hank pleadingly, silently willing him to grant her boyfriend permission to share her bed with her and their daughter. She watched while he pondered the idea, but eventually caved with a sigh. "Just this once."

"No funny business," Kate told him, smiling sleepily. Jay chuckled and stood, offering a hand to help his girl off the couch while balancing his daughter on his hip.

"C'mon, we could all use a good night sleep, huh?" He guided Erin toward the steps, standing behind her as she climbed slowly through her tiredness.

"Night, Hank," She called over her shoulder.

"Sleep well, kiddo." Hank replied, switching on the television and settling back in his chair.

"I'm glad I didn't go," Kate murmured, resting comfortably directly atop her father's chest. Like the night before, Erin was cuddled into Jay's side with her arm draped over her little girl's back. Jay had one arm keeping his girl close and the other over Kate, fingertips lightly touching Erin's back. Despite the situation, Jay felt incredibly content in the small bed. His toes were sticking out from under the comforter because Erin had it pulled up to her chin and there was barely room to move, but everything in the old bedroom felt right.

"We're glad too, baby," Erin lazily cracked open her drooping eyelids and stroked the top of her daughter's head, "We are so, so glad to have you here with us."

"How's your head, babe?" Jay asked, gently rubbing her back with his fingertips, "Lying down helping at all?"

"Mm," Erin replied, eyes closing again, "Just being here with you is helping." She yawned, "I can't believe Hank broke the 'no boys' rule. I mean, that rule was iron clad from the day I moved in."

"Well, when an adorable little girl asks, it's different," Jay smiled, tilting his head slightly, "Besides, I can't believe you ever got a guy to come around here. Voight's quite a guard dog."

"I had my ways," Erin teased, "But nobody ever made it over the threshold. You were the first."

"I bet you say that to all the boys," Jay joked, threading his fingers carefully through her hair.

"Nuh-uh. You were the first." She lifted her head and pressed a kiss on her boyfriend's shoulder, "And I'm glad it was you."

"Me too, babe." Jay returned the kiss atop her head and settled back against the pillows. Kate was breathing deeply now, fast asleep on Jay's chest. Tiger was tucked under her chin and had been the only stuffed animal to make it out of the apartment unscathed by Jackson, as the toy had been left in Jay and Erin's bed. "But we'll be home soon, and then we'll be in our bedroom where the window doesn't shake and the bed's big enough for three."

Erin smiled tiredly, "We gotta get her some new stuffed animals. Mr. Shark, Lion and Giraffe all didn't make it."

"Tomorrow," Jay promised, "I'm going to swing by there tomorrow to see how everything's going. And I'll get a few things at the store on the way back, sound good?"

"You're such a good daddy," Erin mumbled, lifting one arm to cup her partner's scruffy cheek, "And talking to Hank got me thinking about us and Kate and our future as a family…" She exhaled, "And I know that no matter what, if you're here, we're gonna be just fine. And maybe when I'm not concussed and we're not hiding out from some crazy sociopath, we could talk a little bit more about growing our family?"

Jay kissed the top of Erin's head again and inhaled deeply, "We'll take it a day at a time. Figure out what's best for you and for Kate and for our family, okay?" She nodded and nestled closer, shutting her eyes and slowly succumbing to sleep.

Thanks again for your patience! I am just editing the next chapter, so if I get some more fabulous feedback it'll be up sooner ;) hint hint.