35. Chapter 35

Big Trigger warning for this chapter. I have tried to write about what Kate went through in a way to not only convey the seriousness of what happened but the possibility for recovery. I certainly do not intend to cause harm to anyone reading this, so please proceed with caution.

"Kate, can you tell me a little bit about what you remember before you met Jay and Erin?" Dr. Handel began, "Like what did you do, where did you go, things like that?"

The little girl took a breath, "I-I don't 'member a lot of places. I sleeped on a mat-ress on the floor. And I didn't go outside lots, only when I was good."

"Did you interact with other people?" Dr. Handel asked, writing down a few notes on her pad of paper.

Kate nodded, "There were always people in the house. I had to stay in my room, but I hear-ed people talkin' all the time. Sometimes there were ladies that came for Mr. P and Big Joe and Uncle Bobby. They ate lots of grown-up candies. And they drinked the yucky waters and beer. And sometimes they poked they-selves with needles." Kate shuddered at the memory, "But I didn't get poked."

"Do you remember the kind of food you ate?"

Kate shook her head, "I didn't eat lots. Sometimes I drinked juice that made me sleepy though."

"I see," Dr. Handel nodded at ASA Ana Valdez who was furiously taking notes, "And did that happen often?"

Kate shrugged and looked nervous, "I-I-I don't 'member."

"That's perfectly fine if you don't remember something," Dr. Handel assured her, "Do you remember what happened after you drank the juice?"

The little girl nodded slowly. "I knew that if I drinked the juice, that meaned that Mr. P had friends over." She looked sadly at the sympathetic doctor, "And his friends hurt me bad. But not as bad as Mr. P."

Erin felt like her heart was being ripped to shreds as she watched her sweet baby girl recall the abuse she endured before Erin and Jay even knew she existed. She knew about the trauma based on Kate's medical file and the snippets that she has heard over the past seven months of being her mother, but nothing could have prepared her to hear Kate's raw and brutal recollection.

Similarly, Jay sat rigidly in the chair, one hand continually stroking Kate's arm. Having her on his lap probably brought him more comfort that it did the little girl. As Jay listened to Kate talk about the "juice" she was forced to drink, he couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty for not having been there for his child in her time of need. No matter what he did, nothing could make up for the pain she was made to endure.

"How did they hurt you?" Dr. Handel asked softly, "Do you remember that?"

Kate nodded, "Mr. P said I'm not 'lowed to ever talk 'bout it." She paused and looked over at her mother and then up at her father, "I-I told my mommy and daddy that he touched me but I didn't wanna talk 'bout it." Tears filled her eyes, "But I don't wanna keep it a secret no more, but I aw-so don't wanna get in trouble."

"You won't get in trouble, I promise you that," Dr. Handel said. She looked over to Jay and Erin, silently indicating that it would be alright for them to comfort their daughter.

"Kate, baby, nothing that happened to you is your fault," Erin lifted her hand to her little girl's cheek, "And Daddy and I know how hard it is for you to talk about it."

"He's never going to touch you again, Squirt," Jay said thickly, kissing the top of Kate's head, "You don't need to worry about that anymore."

She let out a breath and held Erin's hand in her own. "It-it hurt so bad that I falled asleep," Kate rushed out, "I bleeded a lot. And-and sometimes," she swallowed, "they held my legs and arms down so I couldn't move." The little girl gripped her mother's hand tighter as she recalled the most traumatic moments of her young life, "I always waked up real bloody after. And if I tried to leave, I got hit."

Erin willed herself not to cry, to be strong for her brave little girl. She held Kate's hand and rested the other on Jay's back, acutely aware of how tightly coiled his muscles were. "I got hit a lot," Kate stammered, "But I got hit more when I cried. But it was hard not to cry cause I hurt." She looked up at the therapist, who was listening intently, "And sometimes when I'm sleepin', I 'member how scared I was and how much I hurt. But den I wake up and 'member that I got a mommy and daddy now. And they keep me safe and I don't hurt no more."

Tears welled in Erin's eyes at Kate's statement, so she chose to bury her face in her baby's hair instead, "We love you so much, sweetheart. So, so much."

"And we're so proud of you," Jay managed, "You are the bravest person I have ever met, by far and away."

"That's what you said when you first found me," Kate looked up at her father, taking note of his watery eyes.

He nodded, "And it's true. You are so incredibly brave." Jay kissed her head and then Erin's before remembering that they were in a conference room with a therapist, lawyer and court stenographer. "Sorry."

"Not to worry," ASA Valdez smiled, her own eyes damp with unshed tears. She cleared her throat, "Kate, do you remember if any of the men who hurt you ever took pictures or videos?"

The little girl thought for a moment and then nodded. "Mr. P made the movies on his computer. And put them on tiny boxes," She wrinkled her brow, "I don't know if he took pictures. But he used to talk to people on the computer and sometimes they telled him what to do to me." Kate looked at the lawyer, "That only happened two times. After that, Mommy and Daddy found me."

The conversation continued for another hour, Dr. Handel prodding at different anecdotes that Jay and Erin had relayed to her during their sessions, including Kate in the bath, having her arms twisted in New York and being forced to go days without food after having an accident in bed. Kate was also able to recall the people she had seen Jackson kill, which provided ASA Valdez with more ammunition than she needed to put the bastard away for the rest of his life. By the time the discussion was winding down, Jay and Erin both felt gutted. Their little girl was exhausted and was now tiredly leaning against Jay's chest while the adults talked.

"You did very well today, Kate," Dr. Handel smiled kindly.

"Mr. P's not gettin' out, right?" Kate asked, "I don't want him to hurt my mommy again."

"He's not going anywhere," Valdez reassured her, "You have been so helpful. And because of you, that man is never going to hurt anyone ever again."

"I'm glad," Kate breathed, "Nobody d'serves that."

"Nobody," Jay emphasized, "And you didn't deserve it either, kiddo. It wasn't your fault that he hurt you like he did."

Kate nodded in understanding and glanced up to meet her father's gaze. "It wasn't your fault, e-der Daddy."

Jay froze, unsure how his little girl was able to read his mind like that. "W-what?" he asked, his heart rate ramping up and his palms going cold, "What do you mean?"

"It wasn't your fault that I was with Mr. P," Kate said simply, "You didn't know 'bout me, 'cause my bi-logical mofer didn't tell you." She paused, "But that's not your fault. I don't want you to think that it is." She delicately touched his cheek, "Cause you and Mommy saved me."

The room fell silent as the adults realized what Kate had said. "How are you so smart?" Erin asked after she found her words, rubbing Jay's back with one hand and smoothing Kate's hair back with the other. Her partner was in too much shock to reply, processing what his little girl had just told him slowly.

"Cause I gotta smart mommy and daddy," Kate replied, without missing a beat. She looked up at her father again, "Please don't be sad, Daddy."

"I-I'm not sad, Squirt," Jay managed, swallowing the lump in his throat, "I guess I just keep learning how incredibly lucky I am to have found you."

"I luckier, Daddy," Kate rested her palm on his chest, "Cause if you didn't learn 'bout me, I never would have gotten a mommy and a daddy."

A tear escaped from the corner of Jay's eye as he regarded his precious little girl. He didn't know if it would ever be possible to love someone as much as he loved Erin, but the second he met Kate he knew that he now had two girls to love more than anything in the world. "I love you," he murmured into her hair, reaching a hand out to squeeze Erin's. "I can't tell either of you that enough."

Erin managed a watery smile at the other adults in the room, "Are we done here? Can we take her home?"

"Absolutely," Ana Valdez smiled, brushing a stray tear out of the corner of her eye, "Thank you all so much for coming in today. We're hoping to get him to trial as soon as possible."

"Thank you," Jay stood with Kate in his arms and shook the young lawyer's hand, "Please, let us know if you need anything else from us. We uh, just want to see that bastard put away for as long as possible."

"Certainly, Detective," Valdez nodded, "We'll be in touch. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday."

Kate fell asleep as soon as they pulled out of the parking lot, absolutely spent by the emotional conversation. Jay leaned tiredly against the passenger seat, barely able to keep his eyes open as well. The whole ordeal took a massive toll on the entire family, and Erin knew that a trip to the museum was just not in the cards for the rest of the afternoon. "I thought we were going to the Children's Museum," Jay mumbled after he realized they were pulling into the parking garage of their apartment building.

"She's asleep, babe. And you zoned out the entire ride. And I could use a nap as well," Erin smiled tiredly, unbuckling her seat belt and opening the driver's door, "Come on, let's just get upstairs, okay?"

"Mm," Jay replied, reaching to carry Kate after Erin undid the clasps on her car seat, "I guess we could all use a nap."

Erin leaned against her partner as they stood in the elevator silently and trailed after him toward their apartment. "That was rough," she muttered, pulling off her boots and tossing them onto the ground.

"I'll say," Jay commented, sinking heavily onto their couch, Kate still asleep in his arms. "How's your head?"

"I'm fine," Erin said quickly, taking a seat next to him and gently stroking Kate's back, "I'm so proud of her."

"I know," Jay leaned down to kiss the top of his sleeping daughter's head, "The things she went through…every time I think about it, it breaks my heart."

Erin nodded in agreement, snuggling closer to her partner, "She's right though, you know. It's not your fault."

Jay didn't reply for a moment. "I-I guess. But I just feel so guilty," he swallowed, "I could have prevented it, you know? If I had known, when Jillian died, I could have taken her, she wouldn't have been abused, she wouldn't…"

"But you didn't know, babe. And you didn't know because Jillian didn't tell you. There was no way you could have known, either. She could have reached out to you sooner, but she chose not to. You didn't make that decision. She did." Erin stroked his cheek, "Kate knows that it wasn't your fault. She knows that if you had even an inkling that you had a child or that something like that was happening to any child, you would have done something to stop it. But you didn't know. And it isn't on you."

Jay nodded slowly, "I-I…just wish I could have been there sooner."

Erin smiled sadly, "I know, babe. But you're here now. You said yes the moment you found out about her and you never second guessed it. And the fact that you still feel guilty just proves what an amazing person you are and how much love you have for this little girl." She kissed his shoulder, "And she loves you, Jay. So much. Nothing is ever going to change that."

"She loves you too, Er," Jay said, turning his head so that he could kiss the top of Erin's, "She wouldn't have a mother if it wasn't for you. You've given her everything Jillian was never willing to, and more." He ran a hand over the back of Erin's head, "And I know we've talked about you adopting her, but I want to make that happen. I want you to be her mom, not just in practice, but on paper and for good."

Erin titled her head up so she could meet her partner's gaze, "I want that too. More than anything."

That night, Erin and Jay settled into bed around eleven, after sharing a carton of Phish Food. "It's weird for both of us getting into bed at a reasonable hour," Erin commented as she snuggled against her warm partner, "Normally it's so late."

"It's so nice," he agreed as she rested her head on his chest, "Kate was absolutely exhausted after that whole ordeal. I'm surprised she made it through dinner without falling asleep into her pizza," Jay chuckled as he gently toyed with Erin's hair. "I'm so glad she has a mother like you."

"I'm glad we have a daughter like her. And that I have a partner like you." Erin lifted her head up so he could kiss her lips.

Erin drifted off to sleep, while Jay lay awake. He couldn't seem to fall asleep for the longest time. He spent some nights like that, overcome with his own thoughts. After Kate came into his life, the Afghanistan nightmares that used to plague him seemed to subside as she and Erin were all he thought about.

"Ow," Erin startled awake as she felt a hand slam into her shoulder. Quickly, she turned her head and saw that her partner was struggling against the sheets, the comforter no longer covering his body. He whimpered and threw another punch, narrowly missing Erin as she jerked out of reach. She winced as she maneuvered away, but quickly leaned forward to comfort her suffering partner. "Jay," Erin gently rubbed his shoulder. "Wake up, babe, you're dreaming."

"Stop," he moaned, thrashing an arm out again, "Leave." He rolled over, his back toward Erin but quickly rotated back, clearly in severe distress. She widened her eyes, fully awake now. Erin could feel the bruise forming on her chest where he hit her but put it out of her mind. Jay needed her right now.

"Jay," Erin begged, shaking his shoulder, "Wake up, please. Come back to me, babe."

He opened his eyes and sat up abruptly, hand flying and whacking Erin in the arm. She grimaced, but didn't verbalize the hit. "You're at home," She said calmly, sitting up next to him, running her hand over his goosebump covered arms in an attempt to ground him with her touch, "You're in bed, in Chicago, with me."

Jay turned to her, a few tears brimming in of his baby blue eyes. "It…it wasn't real," he choked out as she dug into his muscles with her thumbs. His whole body was shaking violently as he struggled to get his breathing under control.

"No, it wasn't real." Erin took his hand, lacing their fingers together tightly, "You're okay, babe."

"It wasn't real," he repeated, taking a breath out. "Oh my God." He buried his face in his free hand, shaking his head furiously.

"What's going on?" Erin rubbed her thumb over Jay's hand, "You haven't had a nightmare in weeks."

He just shook his head, unable to speak. "Jay, babe," Erin ran a hand through his mussed hair, down his neck and rested it on his chest. "Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

Jay shook his head again, and squeezing his eyes shut as tight as he possibly could. "I just can't," he spluttered, "You can't handle it."

"I'm your partner. And I want to handle it." Erin shifted closer to him on the bed and calmly rubbed his back despite her growing apprehension, smoothing her hands across his body, trying to convey that he was safe and wasn't back in the desert.

Abruptly, Jay threw the covers off and bolted from the room, snatching a hoodie from the hook on the dresser. "Jay!" Erin jumped up and followed him as he hustled toward the front door. "Stop, babe, please."

Jay grabbed the keys to his car and reached for his gun, but Erin was too quick. She placed one hand on the weapon and the other on his chest, "Talk to me, Jay."

"Move, Erin," Jay growled, eyes void of all emotion. She shook her head adamantly, taking a step closer to her boyfriend.

"You're not thinking clearly," she whispered, calmly but sternly, "Please, you don't need to leave," Erin clutched his arm, "Whatever's going on, talk to me. I need you here. Kate needs you here."

"Let go of me, Erin!" Jay shouted, tugging his arm from her grasp. He turned for the door again, but she took his arm again.

"Stop it, Jay." Erin was trying to remain level headed, but watching her boyfriend spiral out of control when there had been absolutely no warning was building a panic within her like no other, "Take a breath."

"Daddy?" Kate emerged from her bedroom, tiredly rubbing her eyes, "Mommy?"

"Go back to bed, sweetheart," Erin instructed, "I'll be right in, okay?"

"Why's Daddy shouting?" The little girl looked incredibly nervous, clenching Tiger in her fist, "Where's he going?"

"Go to bed, Kate," Jay snapped angrily, taking another step toward the door after pulling his hand back from Erin. Kate shrank back, tears spilling over her cheeks. Neither Jay nor Erin had ever raised their voice at her. Before Erin could say anything, the little girl turned quickly for her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"Babe," Erin breathed, recognizing that she was going to have to deal with poor Kate later, "Please."

"No," Jay spat, "Leave me alone, Erin." He pulled open the front door and slammed it shut.

Don't hate me! I did give fair warning and hopefully I accrued enough good karma! Tell me what you think :)