58. Chapter 58

Total honesty, I didn't think I was going to have any kind of chapter ready by this weekend but somehow this one poured out of me. Let me know what you think (and I'm getting to some lighter stuff next time, promise!)

Since moving in with Erin, Jay could count the number of times he awoke to a cold bed on one hand. Erin was not a morning person, preferring to spend her mornings in a deep sleep rather than rising with the sun. Even if she did wake up before him, she was not a quiet mover and tended to shift around so much that he was wide awake by the time she took three steps.

On nights that were particularly bad, when he would wake up in a cold sweat, thinking he was back in Afghanistan, feeling the warm body of his partner to his right always grounded him and brought him back to Chicago. When it was Erin who awoke to comfort their daughter, she would always return to their bed, little girl in her arms.

In fact, Jay could count the number of times he woke up to cold sheets on one finger. And it had been the morning after Erin found out she couldn't bear children and had gone for an early morning run. So when he awoke to an empty bed the morning after Erin experienced a miscarriage, Jay's mind immediately thought the worst. The clock showed that it wasn't even five in the morning, but Jay flung the covers off and leapt off of bed, stumbling blearily toward the bedroom door.

He hurried into the living room and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw his little girl sitting on the couch, her tiny hand draped delicately across her mother's chest. Erin was fast asleep but held Kate's hand in her own while the little girl rested her head against the couch cushions, watching as her mother's chest rose and fell. She glanced up at her father and offered a small smile as he moved toward them and squatted beside the couch. "What are you doing up, Squirt?" he asked gently, placing a hand on her polar bear pajamas – he noticed that she had changed from their matching pair, probably for the same reason he shed his. Neither of them wanted to be reminded that Erin's pair were stained red with blood.

Instantly, the little girl became nervous, "I-I'm sorry, Daddy…I-I-I had a bad dream that Mommy was hurtin' and-and I came to see her and then she was out here and I didn't wanna leave her 'lone." Kate gave an apologetic look, "I-I'm sorry."

"Oh, kiddo, you don't have to be sorry," Jay whispered, standing to press a kiss atop her head, "You had a bad dream?"

Kate nodded sadly, "And den I was worried 'bout Mommy. But when I came to find you guys, Mommy was layin' out here havin' a bad dream too."

"I see," Jay nodded, gently running his fingertips over Erin's cheeks, "You know you can wake me up if you're having a bad dream, right?" He looked to the little girl, "No matter what, you can always come get me."

"I know," Kate whispered, glancing down at Erin who was still sleeping, "But Mommy was cryin' in her sleep and-and I didn't want her to be by herself 'cause when I'm scared I don't wanna be 'lone e-der. And Mommy don't leave me when I'm scared."

"You're a little angel, you know?" Jay praised, "How did we get so lucky to have you?"

Kate managed a smile, "I'm lucky too, Daddy."

Erin stirred slightly, grimacing as she dragged her eyes open, "Hi," she mumbled, tired eyes locking on Jay's concerned gaze. She titled her head slightly, realizing that her little girl was sitting by her head and holding her hand, "Hi, baby."

"How are you feeling?" Jay asked, tenderly stroking her cheek, "You didn't want to sleep in bed?"

"Couldn't sleep," she replied, giving the hand that Kate was holding a gentle shake, "You couldn't either, huh baby?"

"I had a bad dream," Kate explained, "And I didn't wanna leave you by yourself when you were havin' one, 'cause you never leave me." Erin smiled sadly at Kate's statement and caught Jay's gaze, realizing that he had already been filled in on the fact that she had been having a nightmare too.

"Do you wanna come cuddle in our bed?" Jay offered to the little girl, "That way nobody has to be alone?"

Kate nodded climbed off the couch, rushing back into her bedroom, presumably to grab Tiger and one of his friends. Jay held a hand out to Erin, "You alright?" He whispered when Kate was out of earshot, "How are you feeling?"

"I couldn't sleep," Erin replied, leaning against her partner as they slowly made their way into their bedroom, "I thought maybe if I watched a documentary or something but I guess I never turned the TV on."

Jay kissed her hair as he led her over to the edge of their mattress, smiling when Kate carefully climbed into the middle, Lion and Giraffe tucked in the crook of her arm. "You still hurtin' Mommy?" she asked quietly, observing from a short distance as her mother carefully sat on the mattress settled under the covers.

"I'm doing better," Erin promised, extending an arm so that Kate would understand it was okay to snuggle closer, "Really baby, I am. And it's all thanks to you for calling Daddy and making sure I was okay."

Kate tentatively inched closer to her mother, relaxing significantly when Erin kissed the top of her head, "Love you, Mommy," Kate murmured, breathing a sigh of relief, "I glad you gonna be okay."

For the second time that morning, Jay snapped his eyes open. At first, he wasn't sure what had woken him up but quickly remembered the ordeal that his family had been through in the past twelve hours. He propped himself up on his elbows and turned to his right to see Kate fast asleep, nestled against his rib cage.

Erin, on the other hand, was caught in another vicious nightmare. Her cheeks were flushed as she shifted in distress, dangerously close to the edge of their bed. "Babe," he whispered, reaching a hand over Kate's sleeping form to comfort his fiancé, "Er, it's alright." He carefully ran his fingertips across her forearm, sitting up straighter when his gentled ministrations didn't have the desired effect, "Babe."

Kate stirred, awoken by her father's movements. "Daddy?" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes tiredly, "What's happ-nin?"

"Shh," Jay whispered to his daughter while continuing to stroke Erin's arm, "It's okay, kiddo, Mommy's just having a nightmare."

The little girl widened her eyes and turned to place a delicate palm on Erin's back, "'s okay, Mommy," she murmured, "Me 'n Daddy are here."

Her touch seemed to do the trick, because the young detective finally quieted, settling against the pillows with a soft exhalation. "Thanks, Squirt," Jay kissed the top of Kate's head, "Looks like you're the Mommy-whisperer."

Kate offered a small smile, "That's what Mommy does when you havin' a nightmare." She paused, "And when I am too."

Jay was quiet, "I see," he said finally, swallowing thickly, "Learned from the best, huh?"

Erin bolted upright and glanced around the bedroom rapidly. The rumpled sheets on Jay's side of the bed were cool, and Lion remained on his pillow, evidence that Kate had been there as well. She stifled a yawn, the sleep having been anything but restful, and swung her legs over the side of the mattress, shivering as the cold floor touched her feet. Her sleep had been plagued by nightmares, each one more horrific than the last.

She could hear the TV playing at a low volume and figured that Jay and Kate were watching another one of their animal documentary films that they were so fond of. Though they usually made her fall asleep, Erin loved that her little girl and partner had a special tradition between them.

The ache in her belly had dissipated significantly, though it had relocated to her chest. Nonetheless, Erin rose and wrapped herself in one of Jay's sweatshirts before padding to the living room, expecting to find her partner and her little girl.

Instead, she was faced with an empty room, neither Kate nor Jay anywhere to be found. She wrinkled her brow and poked her head into Kate's bedroom, but was once again faced with an empty room.

Panic set in, and Erin rushed back to the living room. "Kate?" she called out, "Jay?" She whirled around, suddenly overcome with the sensation that her nightmare was coming to fruition, "Jay?" Her voice cracked and tears spilled over her cheeks.

"Babe?" Jay emerged from the bathroom, damp towel in hand, "Hey, you're up. Sorry, I was just in the shower." He smiled softly, but it quickly faded when he saw the distress his girl was in, "What's wrong?"

"W-w-where's Kate?" Erin choked out, hurrying past her partner, in hopes of finding her daughter in the bathroom, "Where is she?"

"She's fine," Jay started, dropping the towel to the ground and taking Erin's shaking hands in his own, "She's with Hank, he came by earlier this morning to take her for the day." He brought a hand up to wipe the tears off Erin's cheeks, "He thought it might be nice for us to just spend the day together."

Erin bit back a sob, but another one burst through her lips before she could swallow it. "Oh, babe," Jay brought her close and held her against his dry Henley, "What is it? Are you in pain?"

She shook her head, face pressed into her fiancé's shoulder as he held her, weak whimpers rolling off her tongue in lieu of the words to explain why she was so upset. Jay was quiet, gently rubbing her back as she leaned against him. "I-I-I thought she had left. I-I thought you both did."

Jay's gaze softened as he kissed the top of her head and inhaled deeply, "I'm so sorry," he apologized, "I-I wasn't thinking…you were just finally sleeping and I thought-"

"It's fine," Erin pulled back slightly to look up at her partner with watery eyes, "'s not your fault. I-I just freaked out a little, I'm sorry."

He kissed her forehead, "Bad dream?" he asked knowingly, running a thumb over her damp cheek.

Erin managed a small nod before burying her face in his neck, "I thought you guys left me."

Jay felt his heart lurch. "Not going to happen," he replied fiercely, "No matter what. Kate and I love you, so much, Erin."

She shook her head and pushed him away, "No, Jay, I lost the baby. I lost your baby." Her voice cracked, "H-how are you still putting me on a pedestal, Jay? I-I spent the night having a fucking panic attack in the shower and-and I barely slept, no doubt keeping you and Kate up and…" Erin pushed him away further when Jay tried to take a step toward her. "It's a sign. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm. not. supposed to be. a. mother," Erin spat, "The universe has decided that I shouldn't have a baby, and the universe is real fucking right."

"Erin, that could not be farther from the truth," Jay took her hand again, "You already are a mother. A damn good one, at that. And what your body is capable of handling is not any reflection of your ability to be a good mom. This happens to lots of women."

Erin shook her head, "Yeah, but it isn't any those women's faults. This is on me. I used to do drugs Jay. I used to sell myself on the street to get a fix for me, for my mom. I've been with some of the most low-life disgusting guys and I let them do whatever they wanted to me."

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks as she backed away, "I-I've stolen shit from random people on the sidewalk to buy drugs. I used to pick up dirtbags on the street and I used to get so high that I couldn't even feel their hands on me, in me, all over me. I've woken up, drenched in my own vomit in a bed I didn't recognize more times than I can count."

"Er-" Jay tried, but she shook her head again.

"No, stop it, stop it. You think that I'm good, that I can be a good mother to your little girl, but I'm not. I'm a street kid, a junkie and I'm really fucking bad news. I come from bad news, and it's the people around me who end up paying for it." She swallowed and dragged a hand across her face, "Nadia paid the price, and I'm not going to put you or Kate through that, okay? With me, it's just a series of disappointments, over and over again."

"Erin." Jay closed the gap between himself and his fiancé, "Stop, babe, please."

"No!" She shouted, shoving him back, "I'm just going to hurt you, Jay. I'm going to lose baby after baby and-and I can't give you a family."

"You've given me a family," Jay insisted, stepping closer, "We've talked about this before babe. You've given me everything. And you are incredible. You've overcome and gotten through so much, and you will get through this. We'll get through it, together, okay?"

He brought his hands up to her cheeks, his girl crying in earnest now, "When I tried to push you away, you wouldn't let me. And now, I'm not letting you." He brought her closer, "We both have our demons, lord knows I have mine, but neither of us have to handle them alone." Jay kissed her forehead tenderly, tears forming behind his eyes, "Erin, every time you doubt yourself, you break my heart, because you are the strongest, most incredible woman and mother I know. And you've been there for me when I've needed you. And I'm here for you. I don't care if you cry on the bathroom floor every night, I am going to be there to hold you. And all I want if for you to see yourself the way I see you. Despite everything when you were growing up, you have come out on the other side. You brought me out of the darkness, and you have brought Kate from being a petrified little girl to our brilliant daughter."

Jay paused, allowing his words to wash over his partner as she wept against him. Leaving the damp towel on the ground, Jay wrapped his arms beneath her knees and carried his girl to the couch, settling against the dark cushions with Erin still cradled against his chest. "I got you, babe, and I'm not letting go."

"I'm sorry," Erin murmured, her breath finally evening out as she rested against her partner. Jay held her while she continued to battle her inner demons, holding true to his promise of not letting her go. After a while, she ran out of what seemed to be an endless supply of tears, but remained pressed against his chest, unwilling to put even an inch between them.

"You've got nothing to apologize for," Jay emphasized, his fingers gently massaging her tightly-coiled muscles, "It's been a hard few days."

"'s been hard for you too," Erin mumbled against his neck, "Not just me."

He nodded, "It's been hard for all of us. But it's going to get better, okay?"

"I know," she replied, reaching a hand up to stroke the stubble on his cheek, "Thank you. For being here."

"Always," Jay promised. "Always." He turned his head to kiss her again, "I'll always be here. Whether you want to have a baby, or if you don't, I'm going to be here for you."

"I-I'm not ready," Erin rushed out, pulling back in alarm, "I'm not ready for a baby. I-I know Nat said I can have one, b-but I'm not ready."

"That's okay," Jay assured her quickly, "It's up to you, babe, no pressure whatsoever, okay? You have already given me so much, and a baby is a big step. We have time." He placed a hand on her chest, feeling the diamond ring beneath his palm, "We have a lifetime."

She nodded weakly, repositioning her head on his shoulder. After a moment, she spoke again. "What…what are we going to tell Kate?"

Jay was quiet. He hadn't thought about what they were going to tell their incredibly perceptive and intelligent child. It wasn't a conversation they could avoid either, as Kate had been in the hospital and witnessed the pain her mother was in. "How am I supposed to explain to my little girl, who I didn't even give birth to, that her little brother or sister was lost before I even knew I was pregnant?" Erin took a deep, shuddering breath, willing herself to not burst into tears again, "I don't want to upset her."

"She's smart," Jay said slowly, "So I think we can tell her the truth. If you're comfortable with that."

Erin nodded in agreement. "Okay."

"Hey, Squirt!" Jay greeted, opening the apartment door to Hank and Kate, who stood in the hallway of their building, "How was your day?"

"Good," Kate replied, leaning into her father's embrace tiredly, "Me and Grandpa Hank did some cookin' and bakin' and we played board games."

"Wow, busy day, huh?" Jay smiled, standing up and adjusting Kate on his hip. He smiled gratefully at the older man, "Thanks for having her."

"My pleasure," Hank replied gruffly, taking a step into the apartment, "We made some French onion soup, and there's a casserole in there for tomorrow."

"And we made choc-lit chip cookies," Kate informed her father, pointing to the second bag that Hank was carrying. She leaned to whisper in Jay's ear, "I got to put extra choc-lit chips in there."

"Mm, that sounds delicious," Jay kissed Kate's head, "You know what? I'm sure Mommy would like a cookie. You wanna bring one to her?"

"Before dinner?" Kate looked excitedly, "Where's Mommy?"

"I think she's reading a book on the couch," Jay smiled, setting Kate down. Hank reached into the bag and produced the box of cookies.

"She's okay?" Kate asked nervously, holding the box in her small hands, "Mommy's doin' better?"

"Much better," Jay nodded, constantly amazed by his daughter's intuition, "She's going to be really excited to see you."

Kate relaxed and smiled again. "Thanks for playin' with me, Grandpa Hank!"

"Anytime, kiddo," Hank replied, "I'll be in to say hi to your Mommy in a bit, but your Dad and I are going to have a quick chat about work."

"'kay!" Kate replied, scurrying toward the couch. Erin was curled up on the far end, knees drawn to her chest and blanket spread over her body as she concentrated on a book that Annie had recommended. "Hi Mommy." Kate said quietly, approaching the couch slowly.

"Hi baby!" Erin set the book down and grinned, "Wow, I am so glad to see you."

"I made cookies with Grandpa Hank," she explained, extending the box toward her mother, appearing slightly nervous, "You-you feelin' better?"

"Much better," Erin smiled, "And I would love a cookie. But I would love a hug and some snuggles from you first." She extended her arms and Kate hastily set the cookies on the coffee table before snuggling against her mother. "Gosh, I missed you today."

"I missed you more," Kate replied, cuddling closer, "I'm glad you're feelin' better. I was worried 'bout you."

"I know, my love, but I'm okay now," Erin kissed Kate's soft hair, "And maybe after dinner, we can talk about it? If that's alright with you?"

Kate nodded again, "I just glad you gonna be okay."