61. Father And Son

Thank y'all again so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it! I hope you like this one as well :) In case you don't remember what happened between Jay and his dad (in my story - has nothing to do with how OneChicago handled this), I recommend going back to chapter 11 (Dancing In The Moonlight) because that's where he told Erin about it. Other (major) things with Jay's old man also happened in chapters 35 and 37, so maybe you want to check them again! :)

61. Father And Son

″Are you sure you feeling up for this?″ Jay asked Erin, concern in his voice and eyes.

″Babe I'm fine,″ Erin sighed, trying not to roll her eyes at him and packed a few more things into the diaper bag. ″I just have the feeling you want me to tell you I'm not so we can stay here...″ she noticed meaningfully.

″That's not it,″ he argued.

″You sure?″ she asked back, raising an eyebrow at him. It was Sunday, his father's birthday and given the fact that she'd only been discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, she sensed that he wanted to use her condition as an excuse that they didn't have to go there. She was fine though, her condition has been improved day by day, the lump on the back of her head has formed back, her headaches were almost non-existent anymore and she would go back to work the following day, though put behind a desk for the week.

″Maybe I'd rather go to the zoo with you two,″ he shrugged, avoiding her eyes. ″But I said I'll give it a shot, so let's go.″ He picked Emilia up from her mat on the floor to settle her in the car seat, ready to leave the room like he was in a rush out of a sudden so he couldn't change his mind last minute.

″Jay,″ Erin sighed, closing the gap between them and placing her hand on his lower arm, squeezing it gently. ″You don't have to do something you don't feel comfortable with. Nobody forces you to go there.″

″No,″ he answered, shaking his head. ″I told him we'll stop by, so we will. And I've wanted to visit him for a long time anyway, so I'm not going to postpone it again just because it would be more convenient for me.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded, her eyes never leaving his face. She knew how hard this was going to be for him, going back to the place where his mother had died, where so many bad childhood memories were buried. And she had to admit, she was kind of afraid that it would reopen old sores, that it would become too much for him. When there was one thing he was absolutely sensitive about it was everything that had to do with his mother's death. ″I'm there, okay?″

″I know,″ he said, forcing a smile before leaning in to peck her lips shortly but thankfully. ″I couldn't do that without you for sure.″

″That's why you have backup,″ she smiled up to him.

″Yeah,″ he grinned back at her. She was his backup, in each and every situation. Always has been and would forever be and he couldn't help but peck her lips again because only her saying the words that've somehow been their motto from day one helped him to ignore some of the doubts he still had about visiting his dad. He knew she would be there, no matter what, facing this challenge with him together.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay parked the car in front of his former home around twenty minutes later. The drive had been mostly silent, the atmosphere chastened and tensed and Erin has rested her hand atop his on the console all the way along, stroking over his knuckles tenderly, had watched him sternly from time to time but had then focussed her gaze on the buildings they had passed.

″Here we are,″ Jay breathed out and Erin caught a short glimpse through the window to see the place where her man had grown up. It was an older house, quite big, though not as big as she'd expected after learning that Jay's father had been a big boss with the Army. But it was definitely one of the biggest and classiest in the neighborhood, big frontyard, double garage and all.

″Come on,″ Erin said and squeezed his hand before she got out of the car. After needing another moment to prepare himself for what was about to follow, he got out as well and took Emilia's car seat from behind the driver's seat while Erin let Crispin out and put him on the leash.

″You okay?″ Erin asked when she caught him staring at the house, diaper back hung over his shoulder, his grasp firmed around the car seat. Slipping her fingers through the fingers of his free hand, she squeezed his hand again because she actually knew the answer. He wasn't.

″I don't know,″ he answered quietly and swallowed hard. ″The last time I was here was the day my mom died. When the mortician's came to...you know...I left the house with them and never came back. I never wanted to come back.″

″Hey,″ Erin whispered, ever so soft, like an actual angel and her voice found its way right to his heart. ″I'm here. We're going to do this together. And whenever it gets too much for you and you wanna go, we'll go, alright?″

She's gone through so much this past week, through a rollercoaster of emotions, through hell, and still, she managed to be there for him as always, like she hadn't recently been attacked by her own mother and had then had to take her off life-support. But of course she was there for him. This was who she was. Not matter how hard life was shaking her, she never stopped to care about the people she loved. She was so much stronger than he would ever be.

″Alright,″ he nodded, giving her a thankful smile, not one of his trademark Halstead smiles but one that didn't quite reach his eyes, and like that they made their way to the front door as a family of four, loaded with a fully packed diaper bag and a basket full of toys and other baby stuff that would keep their little one and the dog entertained.

Before Jay knocked on the big wooden front door, he inhaled another deep breath, preparing himself for stepping into the house where so many memories were hidden, ready to pop up from behind the couch or jump out of some cupboard, knocking him over with full force.

Robert Halstead smiled like a kid in candy store when he opened the door to welcome Erin, Jay and Emilia, his eyes widening in surprise when he saw the dog that accompanied them. The first thing Erin recognized was how good he looked compared to when she'd last seen him in December, leaning onto the wall in front of their apartment almost lifelessly. There was a healthy color on his face, he wasn't as thin and pinched anymore, his eyes wide awake instead of tired and defeated, his grey hair growing back much fuller.

″Erin,″ he said and she let go of Jay's hand to shake Robert's. ″Nice to meet you under different circumstances.″

″Yeah. Nice to see you're doing fine,″ Erin smiled. ″And happy birthday!″

″Jay,″ he then nodded to his son and reached out for a firm handshake as well, Jay telling him happy birthday in return.

″And I guess you must be Emilia,″ he smiled and leaned down, Emilia eyeing him skeptically. No famous smiles for grandpa Halstead so far.

″Yeah, that would be our little Miss Emmy,″ Erin said proudly.

″Nice to meet you little girl,″ he said, stroking over her hand before lifting his head, his brown eyes sparkling with emotions behind his glasses. ″I'm glad you came,″ he added, ″but come on in. Will, Natalie and Owen are already here.″

He left his spot in the doorway so they could follow him inside. Erin saw Jay swallowing nervously, being hesitant to set foot into the house. Gently, her hand found its spot on his back, rubbing soothing circles onto it. Nonverbal communication that she was there, had his back.

Reluctantly, Jay stepped into house that once had been his home, realizing in the moment he passed the threshold, Erin's hand still guiding him, her soft touch giving him comfort, that what Hank had told him on Erin's birthday, also applied to him. With her by his side he could master all the challenges life threw at him. He was strong thanks to her and she was strong thanks to him. They were like puzzle pieces that completed each other, that needed each othe and one was strong when the other was weak and vice versa.

″Everything good?″ she whispered, only for him to hear.

″Yeah,″ he nodded though he wasn't sure. The hall still looked exactly the same and lots of memories flooded him. Like when he'd walked in here after school, being the victim of bullying all day but having no one he could talk to since he didn't want to bother his mother, wanted to protect her from the things he had to go through, and since he couldn't tell his father either as he would call him a wimp and ask him whether he would ever be a man and stand up for himself.

″Come on, we're out on the patio, taking advantage of this incredible weather,″ Robert waved from the living room, interrupting his thoughts.

Erin's hand gave him the slightest of pushes and they followed him but when Jay caught a glimpse in the kitchen many more memories came up as this room also looked exactly like it had been back in the days, when his dad was out of town for his job and his mother waited with freshly cooked food or the most amazing cinnamon rolls, when his grandfather would pay them a visit and prepare his famous dish in the kitchen, grilled fish with baked potatoes. Those had been the days when he was happy. The days when his father had been on the other side of the country or even the world, far away from his family.

″Jay?″ she asked worriedly and only now he recognized that he's stopped in his tracks, gazing at the kitchen with empty eyes, the pictures flashing in front of them. For a moment it all seemed too real.

″Uhm...it's just...this kitchen was like a safe place. I would always find my mom in there. Sometimes Will and I helped her cooking. Around Christmas we baked together. When we got older, she still waited with the best food for us in the evening, making sure we ate enough to outgrow her even more,″ he smiled sadly and forced himself turn his eyes away.

″I wish I could've met her,″ Erin whispered, her heart aching for the man she loved and who looked so broken right now. Seeing him like this was the worst and she just wanted to pull him in a hug and never let him go.

″Me too,″ he nodded. ″She would've loved you, that I know.″ A sheepish smile tugged in the corners of his mouth.

Erin's cheeks blushed a little and a faint grin spread across her face. They walked into the big, open, living and dining room and much to Jay's surprise, his father has changed this room completely and nothing looked like it had a couple of years back and everything was quite modern. Which he was very grateful for since his mother's hospital bed had not been upstairs but in this exact room and she'd taken her last breaths here. So the memories that broke through him in this room, the one he'd feared most, weren't as bad as he'd imagined. Though still painful enough that his chest tightened.

″Doggiiiiieeeee,″ Owen came running into the living room and the toddler's ecstatic voice was able to interrupt his mind going to dark places.

″Hey buddy, how are you doing?″ Erin asked and got down on her knees to unleash Crispin, Owen already hanging on his neck, burrying his face in his fur.

″I so knew you guys would keep him,″ Will laughed, leaning in the doorway to the patio casually.

″You know this means that Owen will bug me about getting one once he's old enough to ask for one, right?″ Natalie grinned.

″You should totally get one. This dude is great,″ Jay smiled, exchanging glances with Erin because Crispin was the greatest dog in many ways.

After a quick hello they all went out on the big patio and Erin's eyes instantly fell on the pool by the end of the garden. This was what she'd expected when imagining Jay's childhood home. All fancy, with a big backyard and a pool. Jay's eyes also fell on the pool, but for different reasons as there was an impovised fence around it.

″I thought...to make it safe. Otherwise it's too dangerous for the kids, especially Owen when he's running around,″ Robert explained, his gaze following his son's. ″But there's a kiddie pool for them,″ he said and pointed to the colorful kiddie pool, protected by a sunshade, a couple toys swimming on the water.

For a short moment, Jay was speechless. He'd definitely not expected his father to act this forward-thinking. His mother would be someone to do this, he himself would do this, but his father? That was honestly surprising since he usually didn't care much about others.

″That's...great,″ he said perplexedly, giving his father the hint of a real smile.

″I thought they would like that, especially with this crazy warm weather,″ he smiled back.

″Yeah, Emmy's a water lover anyway,″ Jay said, put the car seat down on the floor and scooped Emmy up into his arms. ″Right princess? Water's your element.″

″Uhm...may...may I?″ he asked quietly. For a short moment Jay froze. He'd always told himself that his father would never be a grandfather-figure in Emilia's life. But he's made quite the effort with the kiddie pool and all and telling him no now, they could also easily pack their things and leave again as the afternoon would be ruined and everything would be even more tensed and awkward.

″Yeah...sure,″ he nodded and handed him the baby, though still somewhat reluctantly. He couldn't help but somehow hope Emilia would start to cry but she didn't do him the favor.

″Hey Emilia. How are you doing today?″ Robert asked beamingly and rocked her a little before he took the one step down into the garden and showed her the kiddie pool and the toys.

Erin came up behind Jay, nestled her head against his arm until he wrapped it around her shoulder, her arm sneaking around his waist as they watched Robert interacting with his grandchild for the first time.

″How's that?″ she murmured, looking up to him.

″I think...I'm okay with it,″ he breathed out, kissing the top of her head, the tension slowly leaving him.

Owen and Crispin joined Robert and Emilia at the pool, and for a moment Jay thought Crispin would jump in any second but thankfully their dog abstained from showing off that he could indeed be crazy and the only thing he did was stealing one of the rubber ducks that were swimming on the water. Robert was holding Emilia so she could dip her hands in and splash the water while Owen climbed over the edge and waded through the water, falling onto his butt when he tried to bend down to grab one of the toys. And when everyone laughed about it wholeheartedly it was the first time in forever that Jay felt like laughing in this house, too.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

They all settled on the patio a little later, eating apple pie and drinking iced coffee, Emilia sucking on her bottle and Owen spreading his chocolate ice cream over his whole face and clothes by trying to eat it on his own. The conversation on the table mostly included Erin, Jay, Will and Natalie, sharing stories about their kids, while Robert was the silent listener, following the stories of his sons and their partners attentively.

The afternoon turned out to be not as bad and painful as Jay'd expected, but he mostly distracted himself with taking care of Emilia in the kiddie pool or lying down right next to her on her blanket on the grass to play with her and Crispin and Owen, somehow trying to avoid a real conversation with his father. A conversation that was in the air and needed to be made at some point. But at least he was here. A year ago this had been an unthinkable scenario.

Eventually, Emilia wasn't interested in her toys anymore, not even in Crispin, and she instead started to get grumpier by the minute and it soon turned into a loud screaming, a definite sign that she was super tired and needed to sleep.

″Ssshhh Emmy,″ Jay soothed and picked her up, walked with her through the garden and up to the patio, rocking her gently. ″You're tired right?″

″I...uh...I have a room for her upstairs. A children's room. There's a travel bed where she could sleep in case she needs a quiet place,″ Robert said sheepishly, obviously also being uncertain how to act around his son.

″You have?″ Jay asked, not hiding the surprise in his voice.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded, smiling a little. ″It's Will's old room. I can show you...″ he suggested.

″Uhm,″ Jay stammered and in the corners of his eyes he saw how Erin imperceptibly nodded her head and her lips formed the word go. ″Yeah, I think a bed would be best for her.″

″Okay, come on,″ the old Halstead said and got up from his chair to guide Jay inside.

″You've got her?″ Erin asked when Jay walked past her and he immediately knew that she didn't mean whether he was able to bring Emilia to bed but rather whether he needed her to join him so he wasn't alone with his father.

″I've got her,″ he nodded, giving her a short smile and followed his father inside and upstairs to the second room on the left, Will's old bedroom, right across from his old bedroom. His father opened the door and for the second time this afternoon, Jay couldn't believe his eyes. This room was a paradise for little kids, with a carpeted floor and Simba, Nalah, Timon, Pumba and Zazou covering the walls and with all the toys a toddler could dream of, including a small plastic slide, a little ball pit, a Bobbycar and a play tent with tunnel.

″Wow,″ Jay exclaimed, still rubbing soothing circles onto Emilia's back. She slowly drifted into a slumber, her drool leaving a wet spot on his shirt.

″When Will told me he has a girlfriend with a one-year-old son I decided to use one of the spare bedrooms as a children's room, so there's a place where he can play in case they visit me,″ Robert explained. ″And of course I've always hoped it could be a room for my granddaughter as well,″ he said quietly, almost like he was embarrassed to speak it out loud. ″That's actually for her,″ he added and pointed to a more than 39 inch big teddy bear with a plaid bow around its neck, sitting in the corner of the room.

″Well, that is one big teddy bear,″ Jay chuckled slightly and made his way to the crib to tuck Emilia in.

″I know. I always wanted to bring it but I never knew whether you want to see me so I...I kept it here, hoping that one day I could give it to her,″ Robert said and Jay only nodded his head in response, not knowing how and what to answer. He didn't have to anyway.

″Listen Jay,″ his father continued, his voice so unknownly soft. ″There's nothing I'm more ashamed of than how I treated my wife and my kids. I was a lousy father, I know that. I never deserved to call myself a father and I'm sorry for all the things I did. But I'm trying to be the best possible grandfather, maybe being able to somehow make up for how I failed as a father. And I know we have a long way to go but I just wanted to thank you for coming over today and for giving me the opportunity to meet my granddaughter. I don't take this for granted and I appreciate it very much,″ he finished his little speech, tears sparkling in his eyes, vulnerability displaying that Jay didn't know from him.

Even he had to swallow hard. This was such a new side, one he didn't know too well although he'd already seen this new side back in December when he showed up for the first time in years and in January after he saved his life. Honesty. Gratitude. Empathy. Regret. All the characteristics he hadn't had before. One could almost think he was a complete new person now.

″You're...you're doing quite a good job as a grandfather so far,″ Jay admitted, these words taking him quite some overcoming. But they were true. Robert Halstead was really trying and the efforts he's taken were impressing, he had to give him that. And maybe this could be a new beginning for them. Step by step. He just needed to allow it. Needed to leave the past behind and give him a fair chance. If only that was so easy.

″I hope I do. I want to make this right,″ Robert said thoughtfully, looking down to his sleeping granddaughter. ″You can be so proud of her. She's adorable, Jay."

"She is and you bet I am," Jay said, smiling faintly. Talking about Emilia or Erin was always easier than addressing the issues they had due to their past.

"Besides of her eyes she looks a lot like Erin, doesn't she?″

″Thank God she does, yeah,″ he grinned. ″Her smile's the perfect mix, her eyes are mine, though even bluer, and other than that she's all Erin.″

″Erin is a beautiful woman,″ he smiled.

Hell yes she is. ″Inside and out,″ Jay nodded, a proud smile spreading over his lips. Sometimes he still couldn't believe how blessed he was that Erin was the woman on his side.

″Come on, let's go downstairs again. Or you rather wanna stay with her?″ Robert asked before they could run out of topics and would fall into an awkward silence.

″Naah, I'm coming,″ Jay answered, stroked over Emilia's cheek and then followed his father downstairs and back to the patio.

″Everything okay?″ Erin whispered as soon as he sat down right next to her, her hand finding its spot on his thigh, right above his knee, stroking it gently.

″Yeah, I'm good,″ Jay said and for the first time this afternoon the answer to the question about his well-being didn't come reluctantly or unsurely but was rather all honest.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The afternoon meandered along, Robert now being more actively involved in the conversations. Jay and Erin talked about their new house, Will and Natalie about their plans of moving in together and somewhen Natalie went inside as she's brought finger food for dinner that only needed to be dressed now, Erin giving her a hand, leaving the three Halstead men alone on the patio for a minute.

″So uhm, Jay,″ Robert said as soon as the two women were out of earshot, looking from Jay to Will and back to Jay. His father seemed to be a bit nervous and Jay wondered what he wanted to talk about that made him suddenly this uneasy. Especially after this whole afternoon has gone smoother than expected.

″Come on dad, tell him,″ Will encouraged him almost excitedly and the questionmarks on Jay's face even grew.

″So...I decided that I want to live healthier, use the bike more, walk more, all that stuff. Make the best out of the extra time I've been given thanks to you. That means I don't need my cars anymore or only a small one to buy beverages, flower soil, things for the garden...″ he said.

″Okaaaayy, that's...great,″ Jay frowned, still trying to figure out where this conversation was going and what it had to do with him.

″I offered one of the cars to Will-″

″Took the roadster,″ Will interrupted his father laughingly.

″'Course you did,″ Jay chuckled. They both loved fast cars, that was something they had in common. But he hadn't known that his father owned a roadster and apparently a second car as well. He must've bought them within the last couple of years back in the days when he'd had to make a statement by showing off what he had.

″And I wanted to offer you the other one,″ Robert finally breathed out and Jay turned his head to his father instantly, looking at him askingly as if he wanted to make sure he's heard right, the smile from joking with Will falling from his face.

″What?″

″I want to give you my car. As a gift,″ Robert explained, his voice still showing hints of nervousness. ″It's an Audi Q5, Daytona Grey, three years old. All the extras. And quite a big trunk. Everything is surely a bit tight in your current car with stroller, dog and all the other stuff...so the Audi would be perfect for you.″

″Uhm,″ Jay stumbled perplexedly. His father was right. It was quite a struggle to fit everything into Erin's current car and the 300 wasn't convenient for a dog either. The other day they'd indeed talked about needing to swap Erin's car for a bigger one but with the wedding in less than five weeks and the renovations in the house they couldn't go car shopping, too. One thing after the other.

″I can't take this,″ he breathed out. After everything that had happened between him and his father he couldn't simply take such a gift. He didn't even want this. Not as a gift and definitely not from him though it was one of his favorite cars. One he could never afford with all the other obligations they had.

″Jay,″ his father said but he interrupted him, anger rising inside of him out of nowhere.

″Look, if you want to make up for something, this is not the right way!″ he snapped, shaking his head in disbelief. Everything they've built up today seemed to fall apart in this moment.

"I don't want to make up for something. Because I know there's no way I can make up for this. I don't need the car anymore and I don't need the money I get from the sale. But you guys could need such a car. So it's a gift," Robert said, still being all calm despite his son looking at him furiously.

"You can't buy me!" he spat. This was what Jay thought it was all about, as always assuming the worst. This was why he was seething with rage inwardly. That his father wanted to buy him by giving him such an expensive car, so he felt obligated to stay in his father's life. Everything, all the feelings that were still bottled-up inside of him were suddenly on the edge of bursting out.

"I don't want to buy you Jay," he argued.

"So there'll never come a time: but Jay, I gave you the car, so you owe me?" he asked, a sardonic laughter escaping from his lips.

Something in Robert's face dropped by this question. "Why would you think that?"

"Why would I think that?" Jay echoed, adding sarcastically: "Tough question, really."

In this moment he realized that they still had so many things to fix and right now they were as far away from fixing things as they'd been in December. Maybe some things were really too broken to get fixed no matter how hard they tried. And maybe all of this has just been one damn bad idea.

"Jay, stop being a jagoff!" Will called, his voice seldomly harsh. "How about you let him finish before you totally freak out, huh? Man," he sighed.

"Look," his father said quietly. "I thought you could use it. There was never an ulterior motive. And you don't owe me anything, Jay. You never did and you never will. I am the one who owes you the world because you saved my life. I would've been dead in February without you. Thanks to you I have the chance to become a better person. Thanks to you I'm here today. And I am truly thankful for what you did because I know you didn't have to. If you don't want to take it as a gift, take it as a thank you. If you don't want to take it as a thank you, give me 500$ and it's yours. If you don't want to take it all, let's forget about this conversation because I hate the thought that we return to square one," he said, his facial expressions defeated and broken.

There it was again, this brutal honesty and vulnerability in his father's voice that he's never heard before December 2016, that made his anger grow, but for different reasons. Why could his father not still be the same asshole he'd been during his growing-up? It would make things so much easier for him and he could simply go on with hating him, with cancelling him from his life. Why did his father have to be the one trying so hard to make things right that he himself instead looked like the greatest, most stubborn asshole in history by not giving him a real chance and by always scrutinizing his actions? Only because he was now in a position where he could yell at his father when it had been vice versa for so many years? Was he really that kind of person to do revenge, to turn the tables and to do such a low payback? And why could he still not stop accusing his father of things after seeing that he was trying his best?

The answer to those questions was simple: whenever something involved his father and the past they had, he could barely control himself, neither could he control the words that left his mouth, turned all hotheaded, his temper and anger always taking the better of him. And he wasn't sure whether this would ever change, whether he would be able to look past all the things that happened all those years ago and accept his father as the new person he was. Acceptance. That was it. The magic word.

Sometimes it's for giving someone a second chance so they can prove they've changed. This was what Erin had told him a couple months back when they'd talked about second chances and the people who deserved one, she making her point clear that she believed in second chances. By visiting today he's given his father not a full second chance but a small one and he couldn't say that he was screwing up. It was more the opposite. Robert Halstead was doing everything right and this exactly was the problem, the crunchpoint. That he was suddenly this new person. A person he couldn't hate anymore. A person he would usually appreciate because he was this nice old grandfather with the glasses, the happy smile and not to forget the sparkling eyes when he held his grandkids in his arms. Today his father has proved that he's changed and now it was on him to give him credit for it by finally giving him a real chance, not only a half-hearted one. If only he could turn all his bottled-up feelings towards his old man off like a light.

Hell, not even a week ago he'd told Erin that Bunny, one of the worst people he's ever met, did one good thing in her life, having Erin, and that he had to appreciate it because without Bunny giving birth to Erin his life would be completely different. And now his father, who'd been a bad person in a different way for so many years, was really finally doing good things and he still couldn't appreciate all these efforts without these feelings coming up that shot those efforts down.

Erin.

For a moment he wondered what she would tell him if she was the one sitting next to him instead of Will and he couldn't help but think that she would react pretty similar as Will had, telling him he was acting like an idiot. She didn't call him that in all seriousness often, but when she had, it had always been true, and idiot had always been the correct word to describe his behavior. And it had always helped him to overthink his actions, his words, his behavior, realizing that she was right. Though Erin wasn't sitting next to him right now and hadn't called him that fitting description of his character, and only from thinking about her possible reaction, he realized that also today idiot would describe him perfectly, would even be too nice in this case.

And if he was being brutally honest with himself, deep down inside he knew this was on him. His father couldn't do anything else but trying as hard as he could and that was what he was doing. Now it was on him to try as hard as he could to give him that chance. The chance that he deserved. This whole dilemma was almost like an obstacle course and he just needed to overcome the last obstacle now. Unfortunately it was the highest and most difficult one by far and the chances to fail were huge, putting him back to square one in case he couldn't get over it.

″I'm sorry,″ he murmured ever so quiet and he lifted his head to meet his father's gaze. ″I'm sorry, dad. You didn't give me any reason to lose it like that and I acted like an idiot. I'm sorry.″

″It's okay. I deserve this,″ Robert said.

″No you don't,″ Jay argued, shaking his head. ″You're trying so hard to make things right. I see that. And I'm still trying to find something, anything, that allows me to be mad at you. At this new you. Because I'm still mad at you for the person you were once. When nothing I did was right, when you were a heartless asshole. But that's not who you are anymore and that's something that I have to accept, to learn to accept. I see you with my daughter and wonder why you could never have been that loving to me. I see you talking with Erin and wonder why you could never have talked like this with mom,″ he said, taking a deep breath, his voice cracking a little. ″Everything you do, I see the old you and the new you. And the old you is someone I hate, someone I don't want to have anything to do with. But the new you is someone I...appreciate. Someone I could imagine...being a part of my life. And someone I want to leave our past and everything behind for to start all over...″

For a moment it was dead silent and Jay didn't think he's ever heard a silence so deafening. He wasn't sure whether Will was even breathing at this point because there was absolutely no noise coming from the place right next to him and he couldn't look at him either because his gaze was focussed on the man across him. At first he only saw plain shock, then the tears started to flow.

He got up from his chair, walked towards his father, who got up as well and fell into an embrace with his son. The first one in forever. It felt good. Right. And like a new beginning between father and son. For sure there would still be bumps down the road but they could work on that now, reconcile step by step with an open mind, especially on Jay's side.

And when they ended their hug, Robert whispering thank you, tears sparkling in his eyes, they still didn't recognize Erin standing behind the window, tears looming in her own eyes. She'd paced towards the patio when she heard Jay's rising voice and had been there just in time to see one of the most touching scenes she's ever witnessed. Little did she know how much she had to do with it.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Thank you for today,″ Jay said later in the evening when they put all their stuff in the car, inclusive Emilia's new giant teddy bear that would find a place in her new room.

″Uhm...I didn't do much,″ Erin frowned.

″You did,″ he smiled. ″First of all you were there and second of all...I don't know, all the conversations we've had about him since December helped to accept that he's a different person and finally give him that chance. So it's a beginning I think.″

″Don't play this down, Jay. This is great and much more than a beginning.″

″I guess I finally figured out what the problem was...″ he said meaningfully and closed the trunk, wrapping his arms loosely around Erin, her fingers tapping against his chest.

″Yeah?″ she asked. ″Now I'm curious.″

″I'll tell you. But let's get home first.″ He pecked her lips shortly, though he definitely wanted to kiss her all passionate, just not in front of his father's house out on the street. ″I'll go and get the princess and the prince,″ he grinned.

While Erin took her favorite spot on the driver's seat - they've settled on a fifty fifty when it came to driving, at least regarding their private life, work was still ninetynine to one - Jay went back inside to get Emilia and Crispin.

″You guys have everything?″ Robert asked.

″Yeah, I think so. If not you can call and Erin or I can pick it up after work.″

″Will do that,″ he nodded. ″You sure you don't want to take the Audi with you today already?″

The Audi. Their new car. After everything had settled he talked to Erin about it, asking whether they could possibly take such a gift. The glow in her eyes had been unreal when he'd told her about the kind of car his father wanted to give them but she'd still told him that this was a decision only he could make because he was the once who had to feel comfortable with it and that it was indeed a huge gift. Eventually Jay'd decided to take it. After all it was still a little dream coming true to own such a car.

″Naah, use it for grocery and beverage shopping until you have your small car and tell us when we can come and get it,″ Jay answered, making his way to the door.

″I think I'll pick the new car up within this week, so maybe next weekend?″

″Yeah, sure.″

″See you then I guess,″ Robert smiled. ″And you, too,″ he said and leaned down to pet Crispin. ″And you of course little lady,″ he said to Emilia, squeezing her foot.

″See you, dad,″ Jay waved. ″Take care.″

With these words he went down the steps from the porch and made his way to the car on the other side of the street. He settled Emilia's car seat in the back, let Crispin hop in as well and took his well known seat, riding shotgun.

Erin was pulling out on the street, Robert waving them from his neat frontyard when Jay suddenly said: ″Can you just stop for a minute?″

″Sure,″ Erin frowned and slowed the car down. Before she could ask what this was about, he already unbuckled his seatbelt and literally jumped out of the car. She watched him walking towards his father, they exchanged a few words and much to her surprise, their short conversation ended in a hug.

″What was that?″ Erin laughed in confusion when he jumped back in.

He turned his head to her, grinning sheepishly. ″I asked him whether he's anything planned for 29 July...″

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The first days of July passed, the wedding coming closer day by day, their very much anticipated honeymoon being within reach as well. Erin still had no clue where they would go, Jay keeping this is a secret from her no matter how hard she was trying to get him talking. In fact, it didn't matter where they would go. She looked forward to their honeymoon, to their time as just the two of them for a week regardless the destination. Even if they just went to the other side of Lake Michigan they would have the best time ever. But still, she was curious and just wanted to know and she hated nothing more than that Jay could tease her about it whenever he felt to do so. Which was quite often.

″Erin,″ Platt called from her front desk when she was on her way out of the district, interrupting her constant thoughts about the wedding and the honeymoon and the weekend getaway a week before the wedding Kim and the girls have planned while Mouse has planned a guys-weekend for Jay. All she knew about the weekend getaway was...well, that it existed. But that was about it. Everyone around them had way too many secrets for her liking these days and she always had the feeling that they were all talking behind her back.

″Where are you going?″ she asked.

″Home,″ Erin smiled.

″Aren't you still on the clock?″ Platt frowned, checking her watch. It was only 12.33pm, so if at all it was only lunch time.

″Not much going on there today so I decided to check out early and make Emmy her first pulp,″ Erin explained. The boys could very well finish their paperwork alone after wrapping their case last night, no need for her to be there as well.

″Well, that sounds like some real adventure,″ she said in typical Platt-manner, sardonic as always.

″Yeah, I'm afraid it will be an adventure,″ Erin chuckled. Not only making a parsnips pulp would be an adventure, but feeding it to Emmy would for sure be just as challenging.

″Be prepared for her spitting it all over you. And if she does, don't forget to take a photo because I'd die to see that,″ she grinned.

You wish. ″Totally. Shall I print it out and frame it so you can put it on some wall around here?″ Erin sassed back. She knew very well that she was about the only person to talk to Trudy like this.

″Something like that,″ Platt nodded deadpan, before she leaned down, her voice turning into a whisper and suddenly she was all serious. ″Gotta ask you something here.″

″Go ahead,″ Erin frowned, confused by the sudden change.

″Is Hank sick or something?″

″Uhm...not that I know of. Why?″ she asked nervously.

″Because he just handed in a request for a one week furlough. One week. One whole week. He hasn't done that in forever. Always took a day or two but that was it. So one week is definitely not good,″ Platt said, trying to keep her voice low to avoid any rumours but Erin could hear and see that she was honestly concerned. Fortunately there wasn't any reason and Erin relaxed instantly.

″Trudy, he's fine, believe me,″ she grinned, placing her hand on her arm, knowing exactly why Hank was going to take furlough. ″It's the week after our wedding, isn't it?″

″July 31 to August 7,″ she confirmed. ″How does that change things?″

″Jay and I will leave for our honeymoon on August 1 and come back the week after. Emmy will stay with Hank...″ she explained meaningfully.

″Ooooh,″ Platt exhaled, getting the message. ″You're not taking her with you?″

″Uhm, no,″ Erin grinned and shook her head. After weighing their options over and over again they'd somewhen finally decided to go to the surprise destination as just the two of them, especially after not having many intimate moments or generally time as just the two of them in months. ″We're going on our honeymoon and figured it would be more of a honeymoon as just the two-″

″Oh, say no more,″ she interrupted her, grimacing by the inevitable thoughts that crossed her mind.

″Alright,″ Erin smirked mischievously, knowing exactly which pictures she's just planted in Platt's head. ″Have a nice day Sarge,″ she winked jauntily before leaving the district to start this new adventure of giving Emilia her first solid food. More proof to add to the long list of evidence that their baby girl was growing up like a crazy.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay came home early that evening. No new case meant he'd been allowed to leave the district before 6 and could finally spend a long evening with his family again. Finding a balance in between working and having enough time with Emilia and also spending time with just Erin was a real struggle and he always had the feeling that he wasn't home often enough, was missing out on something. If him and Erin didn't have the same job, they sometimes wouldn't really see each other in days, except in the mornings before he left or late at night when he could only press a kiss to her forehead and inhale her sweet scent of raspberry and vanilla. So the rare times he was allowed to leave early were very appreciated. And very needed.

″Hey bug,″ he greeted his daughter when he walked into the nursery, Emilia sitting on her mat, Crispin being her 'pillow' she could lean on, exploring a plastic giraffe, a special teething toy, with her mouth. She wasn't teething yet but Jay sensed this fun adventure was just around the corner by now as babies usually started to teeth between four and seven month old and being a little over five she was basically in between.

″How's it going down there?″ he asked and sat down on the floor, his fingers finding her belly and she squealed when he tickled her. ″And where's mommy? Huh, Crispin, where's Erin? Did you eat her?″ he chuckled, petting the dog's head. Him and Emmy really were an inseperable duo and it was simply the cutest thing to witness the bond they shared.

″Come on Emmy, let's look for mommy, what do you think?″ he asked and picked her up in his arms, kissing her cheek. ″I missed you today, princess,″ he whispered against her soft skin. And as if she wanted to tell him that she'd missed him as well, she dropped the giraffe and grabbed for his face with her wet, in drool covered hand. Not that he would mind anyway. She'd peed at him and she'd vomitted at him multiple times, so her wet hand wasn't that big of a deal.

″How about we dry those little hands of yours, huh?″ he asked her, grabbed a cloth that hung over the crib and cleaned her hands while walking to the living room, Erin stepping into the room from the direction of the bedroom in the same second.

″There she is,″ Jay smirked.

″Hey you,″ she smirked back and closed the gap, pressing a kiss against his lips.

″Hey,″ he murmured.

″You're home early,″ she grinned.

″Is that a problem?″ he joked, raising his eyebrows playfully.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded eagerly. ″Had to hide my affair in the wardrobe.″

″Too bad for him, huh? Hope he's comfy in there,″ Jay chuckled, kissed her lips again and then let himself fall into the cushions of the couch, Erin doing the same.

″Bet he is,″ she laughed, her fingers finding his neck, tickling along the hairline while Jay let Emilia stand on his thigh, holding her under her arms, her little hands finding his face once more.

″Uh-huh,″ he grinned. ″But let's talk about the important things: how was the pulp?″

″Well,″ Erin sighed dramatically. ″One could say it was a disaster,″ she chuckled.

″What happened?″ Jay laughed, imagining various hilarious scenarios, sensing that at least one of them might had happened.

″She sat in her high chair like a queen and she took the first spoon like a pro and I guess that was the point when I cheered too soon,″ she laughed raspily. ″You should've seen her face afterwards, when she gulped it down. Given the grimace I don't think she liked it very much and after that she refused it. So in the end most of it was all over her table and all over her face and bib and hands and all over the floor. But at least Crispin liked it. Took care of the stuff on the floor.″

″Not so much into parsnips, huh princess?″ Jay chuckled.

″Well, she has to take it, right sweetie?″ she asked and stroked Emmy's head. ″You'll get the same tomorrow again. And maybe by next week we can try carrot.″

″Doesn't that sound delicious?″ Jay asked his daughter, lifting her up, not all the way over his head but just far enough that she squeeked happily.

They stayed in the living room a little while longer, enjoying this rare family time on a weekday, before Jay went to the bathroom to take a bath with his daughter. This was still their evening routine, Jay taking a bath with her in case he was home at a decent time, enjoy this rare father-daughter-time. And while it had mostly been Emilia snuggling on his chest or floating on his arms in the first couple of months, it's been all about rubber ducks and splashing the water for a couple of weeks now but it didn't matter to Jay how he spent time with his daughter. He was thankful for the days he could spend time with her at all and he loved watching her explore the world more and more. Plus, they always snuggled afterwards, when he read her a story for the night so she could fall asleep on his chest or in his arms. Except of today as they had different plans.

After finishing their bath, Erin dressed Emmy in her pajamas already while Jay slipped into a shirt and a pair of shorts as well, so they could end their day with a stroll along the lake. The evenings, when the sun went down were the best time for strolls in summer as the humidity slowly decreased, a soft wind breezing and Emmy always fell asleep so much better when they were outside. This was the only thing Erin would miss as soon as they lived in Beverly. Their strolls along the lake as Beverly wasn't as close to the lakefront as their apartment was. Of course they could easily take the car and drive here and then take their stroll but they would probably stay in the Beverly area and the parks around there most times.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay had his arm wrapped around Erin's shoulder, pushing the stroller casually with his other hand while Erin had her arm sneaked around Jay's waist so she could snuggle quite close to him, her left hand holding the leash.

″You know what?″ Jay asked when they walked from the Aquarium into the direction of the Buckingham Fountain and Grant Park, the sun slowly going down behind the skyline.

″Huh?″

″Today in four weeks we'll be on our honeymoon,″ he said lightly and turning his head to her, she saw that bright smile on his face that made her heartbeat pick up its pace.

″Hell yes we'll be,″ she smirked, her dimples displaying perfectly.

″I can't wait,″ Jay murmured and pressed his lips against hers.

″Me neither,″ she whispered in response after the kiss, her lips finding his lips again instantly.

23 days.

23 days from now she would walk down the aisle to become his wife.

23 days from now she would become Mrs. Erin Halstead.

23 days from now she would marry the love of her life.

23 days from now their forever would start.

23 days.

The countdown was on...

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) I don't know when I'll be able to update next but be sure we're totally heading towards the wedding now :)