88. Say Something

Hi there, thank you so much for all your feedback and sorry for the long wait once more. I'm just super busy these days, which of course also affects my writing :( I hope I'll be able to update more frequently again soon! I know exactly where I want to go with this story, so I just need to find more time, haha :)

88. Say Something

″Rylie?″ Erin frowned slightly. This wasn't exactly what she'd expected but this didn't mean it made her any less nervous. After working at Med for almost six months already and even getting a scholarship, she hadn't thought she would get a call because of Rylie, the girl that has only shined there for the last couple of months and was everbody's darling. ″What happened?″

″I don't wanna tell you over the phone but something happened and it's not looking good for her, mainly because she doesn't want to talk, so we would appreciate you coming,″ she said and by the sound of her voice Erin knew it was urgent and that whatever Rylie had done was something serious that could cost her her job. And everything else she's worked so hard for in the past few months. It was a thought that made Erin's stomach turn.

″Alright,″ Erin swallowed, needing a moment to process those news. ″I'm on my way.″

″What's up?″ Jay asked as soon she hung up. He didn't like the look on her face and how some color seemed to have left, making her a little too pale for his liking.

″Something at Med with Rylie,″ she told him, her eyes full of concern for the young girl. ″I don't know anything else but it can't be good when they call me,″ she spoke out the obvious and grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair.

″You want me to come with?″ Jay asked, ready to jump up from his chair to join her.

″You need to solve that case as fast as you can and we both know that,″ she said, not exactly denying his help because of course she would feel better if he joined her, but being reasonable and telling him where he was needed more right now. ″But thank you,″ she smiled faintly.

″Call me when you know what's going on.″

″I will,″ Erin nodded and took the key for the Audi. ″I don't think I will come back afterwards but go and pick up the kids,″ she said and joined him by his desk.

″It will get late today again,″ he said and pressed a kiss against her forehead, wishing nothing more than that he could come back home at a decent time this evening because he sensed she would need him, because even without knowing any details, adopting Luke suddenly seemed to be a possibility again. And that possibility would change the whole game.

″I know,″ she answered with a sigh. He's worked late for the better part of the week and he would work late until this case was closed, with all the perps being where they belonged. ″I'll call you later,″ she promised once more, pecked his lips shortly and then turned around to leave, throwing a see you at her colleagues as she walked towards the stairs and then disappeared.

On her way to Med she wondered whether it was really possible that Rylie was back to old habits now that she didn't live under their roof anymore and had more freedom to do what she wanted and could live to her own rules without supervision. But something inside of her yelled that Rylie wasn't as stupid to risk everything. The young girl she loved like a sister would never do something, that brought her plans of getting custody for her son back, in jeopardy. Not now, being closer than ever to make this dream come true. Not after so many months of being clean and happy. Not after she'd successfully managed to turn her life around. This was simply not a possibility. Or was it?

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Arriving at Med, she ran into Dr Choi in the ED, who was obviously in the loop about the incident, and he told her to go to Goodwin's office where everyone was already waiting for her. With a unhealthy pounding heart she knocked on the big wooden door and then stepped into the light-flooded office, all eyes on her as she closed the door behind her. She didn't like the amount of people in the room. Next to Goodwin and Rylie, who sat on a chair and was nervously kneading her hands and fingers, Will stood in the corner with his arms crossed in front of his chest while April and Maggie stood by Goodwin's desk, their facial expressions telling nothing good.

″Mrs Halstead,″ Goodwin greeted her halfway through the room.

″Mrs Goodwin,″ Erin said and reached for Goodwin's hand to shake it, throwing the other people in the room a small nood. ″What's going on?″ she asked no one in particular but her eyes fell on the blonde girl who was the reason for her being here.

″We've got a problem,″ Goodwin said, her features stern. ″And since Rylie decided not to say anyhting until you're here, which doesn't make this any better if I might say so,″ she said, scolding Rylie with a glance that made Erin all nervous because it reminded her of her teachers back in highschool when they'd told her she'd messed up another test, ″I now let April explain first,″ she motioned her head to the young nurse who instantly nodded back.

The young woman started without hesitating. ″I was using our restroom earlier and someone in the cabin next to me dropped something. I reached for it since it was half in my cabin as I had the intention to push it back but when I saw what it was I changed my mind,″ she said, revealing a package of a certain white content and due to her choice of words Erin knew it wasn't dextrose or sugar or any other harmless stuff. Instead, she knew exactly what it was. And this knowledge made her stomach turn yet again. ″I expected to find some junkie, who'd broken the lock and sneaked into our restroom to get a fix because this sometimes happens but instead I found someone else.″ Her eyes fell on Rylie and Erin could see the disappointment on April's face although her own world was somehow crashing down in front of her right now, all those scenarios she'd earlier thought couldn't be possible, coming true. They'd found Rylie in the restroom with a package of coke. She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. And something told her there was more to the story and that she shouldn't jump on conclusions before knowing what Rylie had to say about it. But she couldn't help the feeling of hurt and anger settle in her stomach anyway because she somehow felt betrayed.

″Erin, I can explain that. It's not what it looks like,″ Rylie said, looking at her role-model with wide, panicked eyes. ″Can I talk with you for a minute, please?″ she pleaded.

Erin had to inhale a deep breath to keep herself under control, wondering whether this was just a sick nightmare or really happening. ″You talk with all of us. Right now.″ Her voice was strong and strict and she was able to hide the hurt caused by the possible breach of trust away but not her anger. ″And you better give us the best damn explanation you've ever given someone!″

″Erin, please!″ she pleaded once more, tears brimming in her grey eyes. ″You need to hear me out.″

″Start talking. Now. We're all waiting to hear you out,″ she said once more, knowing that the situation didn't change for the better the longer Rylie insisted on talking to her first because her request made it seem like she had indeed something to hide.

Rylie lowered her head by Erin's words, realizing that she wouldn't get the chance to talk to her before, and gazed at her hands, that she still somehow abused, as she started to tell her version of the story hesitantly. ″You remember the patient from this morning? The one with the bike accident?″ she asked, looking from April and Maggie to Will.

″Yeah, the girl that got hit by a car and is in a coma now,″ Will nodded. ″Samantha Miller. What does she have to do with it?″

″I know her,″ Rylie admitted. ″She's been joining my meetings since February,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath as if it gave her confidence. ″When someone joins, they have to tell their story so everyone knows where they come from. Sam...she's been through it all. Coke, heroin, you name it, she at some point used it. She also dealt with it because her dealer had her boxed in really bad and when she got arrested and she only got probation, this was the point where she decided to turn her life around because when cops would find her with drugs one more time it meant jail,″ she told them and even without knowing the whole story Erin sensed to know where this was going. ″She was determined to make this work but it was hard because she doesn't have the support system I have,″ she said and looked at all of them, all of these people that have become her support system, that have helped her out. ″And then she was brought in this morning. I didn't recognize her at first because her face was so bruised and when I looked for her credentials, I found the coke in her jacket along with her ID and knowing what it would mean for her, I took it. To make it disappear by flushing it down the toilet but I didn't find the time until a couple of hours later. I never opened the package nor did I ever have the intention to keep it!″

At first, it was silent, as everyone considered her story and then Goodwin asked the obvious: ″Why didn't you simply tell us? Why did you want to wait for Mrs Halstead?″

″Because I didn't want Sam to get into trouble,″ Rylie answered right away. ″Now that you all know, there will be consequences for her and I thought if I talked to Erin first, it would change things.″ Unfortunately, that was a bit weak of an answer that made her almost look stupid and naive but at the same time it showed what a big heart she had.

″How do we know that this was the only package and there's not another one somewhere that you managed to hide?″ April asked the question she had to ask, not commenting her story and answers any further.

″I'm a couple months away from my highschool diploma and a couple of weeks from getting my son back. And I would never be as stupid to risk that!″ Rylie called furiously.

″Yet, here we are and you did exactly that,″ April mentioned.

″I just wanted to help someone I knew would be in trouble! Sam's a nice girl, it's just super hard for her because she's all alone,″ Rylie said, Erin being the quiet listener to study Rylie's behavior, body language and answers. And because she honestly didn't know what to say although she believed her, although she knew Rylie was telling the truth. ″Search my locker, do a drug test, do whatever you need to do but I'm clean and I didn't take any of this shit for myself. I'm not that person anymore and I thought you guys would know that!″

″Ry,″ Erin said calmly to keep the tensed atmosphere in the room under control. ″They're just doing their jobs and deal with the facts they have. And you gotta admit that at first sight, this didn't look good for you. An ex-drug-addict with a package of coke in the restroom, that on top of all is denying to talk.″

″Yeah, and of course this means I'm back to old habits,″ she snorted. ″What about the benefit of the doubt?″

″Rylie,″ Will chimed in. ″Your reasons were noble but you covered-up a crime. Which is a crime itself,″ he said, his choice of words showing that he believed her version of the story as well. ″And you should've known that stealing the drugs doesn't help anything because a blood test on Sam can figure this out in a minute.″

″But not being clean would probably reduce her sentence while possession would mean jail,″ Rylie said quietly. ″And anyway, I don't think she took them herself. I think she just dealt with them to pay off her debt, so she can start all over once she's out of all that.″

″We don't have the results back yet but it doesn't change the fact that you stole drugs,″ Will said matter-of-factly.

″I didn't steal them! I took them to make them disappear!″

″Unfortunately there's not much of a difference,″ Goodwin mentioned and it was clear that she was also convinced that Rylie was telling the truth.

″Mrs Goodwin,″ Erin looked at the older woman, trying to save the situation because beyond her own anger about Rylie being as stupid and making such a reckless, wrongheaded decision, that still made her blood boil, she needed to bail Rylie out to save her future. And she knew that what she was about to say had to be damn good to convince them that Rylie deserved to walk out of this without any big consequences that could cost her everything.

″I think we can all agree on the fact that what Rylie did was immensely stupid. But she dealt with the situation in the moment, not thinking it properly through because she just wanted to help a girl she knows would be in huge trouble. She might not have thought about the consequences that it could bring herself in a whole lot of trouble, but that's what people do in the heat of the moment, when their heart makes a decision instead of their brain. I think we've all been there because that's what we all regularly do: we help people. Sometimes in the right way. Sometimes in an unorthodox way. Sometimes in a stupid way. But never in a wrong way. Because there's no wrong way when it comes to helping people.″

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″Say something,″ Rylie said meekly after minutes of unbearable silence in the car as Erin drove to Carol's place to pick Emilia and Luke up. It was easy to say that the atmosphere in the car was more than just a little tensed since Erin was giving her the silent treatment and Rylie so far hadn't dared to say something.

″Believe me, you don't wanna know what's on the tip of my tongue right now,″ Erin snapped. It had taken her a lot of self-control to not yell at the young girl as soon as they'd left the hospital a couple of minutes ago.

″But in there you were basically on my side,″ Rylie called.

″Well, the situation didn't leave me a choice, right? I had to be on your side to bail you out but that doesn't mean I'm in any way okay with what you did,″ Erin noticed dryly. ″You made different mistakes here and you can call yourself lucky that all these people have a heart of gold that makes them disregard any consequences.″

″Different mistakes?″ Rylie asked.

″Yes, different mistakes,″ Erin nodded. ″The first one would be taking the coke at all. The second one would be not calling me instantly when you found the coke. Do you really think I would've booked Sam for possession of coke when you told me her story? Don't you think I would have helped her? Instead of calling me you carry it around in your pocket for hours.″ Erin shook her head in disbelief, her voice rising with every word that left her mouth. ″You just risked everything you've worked so hard for these last few months. Everything.″

″But it was the right thing to do,″ Rylie still defended herself.

″If that's still what you think then you haven't learned a bit,″ Erin argued, letting out a breath of anger. ″Without Will, Maggie, April and Goodwin being the kind people they are,″ - and me giving them quite the speech about help and how we all sometimes do the wrong thing while we mean to do the right thing, she thought - ″you would've lost your job over this and would deal with the police yourself now. Luke would permanently stay with us and you would never get him back. That's what you put on the line in the moment you thought you're doing the right thing!″ Her voice was still louder and more furious than usual and she still tried to suppress the urge to yell at her. ″You can't heal the world, Rylie!″

″But you can?″ Rylie fired back. ″Erin, that's basically what you've been teaching me ever since I lived with you. That's what you try to do every day.″

″Because it's my job.″

″So I'm just a job?″

″Of course you're not and if you don't know better than that I can't help you,″ Erin said, finally pulling over and stopping the engine before they would end up being involved in some accident as Erin was more focussed on Rylie than the road. ″You are like a little sister and one of my best friends and I can't imagine losing you. But there's a likelihood that this would happen if you lost the prospect of getting Luke back. You only have this one chance and you were so close to throwing it all away. So close,″ she told her, showing her the tiny margin with her fingers. ″You have to make smarter choices and consider all the facts before you do something, which I know is difficult because you're just like me and follow your heart. But you can't heal the world, Ry. Not yet.″ Her voice and her features softened toward the end and she reached out the squeeze the blonde girl's hand.

″Will I ever leave this reputation behind?″ she asked weakly, some single tears falling down.

″Yes,″ Erin said emphatically and pulled her into a hug over the console. ″Yes you will. And you are exactly that kind of person that will one day heal the world. Your time will come, believe me.″

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Of course Jay found Erin crumbled into a ball on the couch when he came home that night. Of course she'd once again tried to stay awake until he would come home. Of course it was as late that at some point she hadn't been able to fight the battle against tiredness anymore. Of course she woke up as soon as he approached her to pick her up into his arms and carry her to the bedroom because they had this strange but beautiful connection, always feeling when the other one was there.

″Hey,″ she murmured sleepily, making out his silhouette in the dark.

″Hey,″ he said and sat down next to her, not forgetting to lean down and kiss her forehead gently. ″I was hoping I would find you in bed, sleeping off the stress of the day,″ he said meaningfully, the concern obvious in his voice because of course he was concered that the impact of today's stress could be bad for the baby she was carrying under her heart.

″I was watching a movie with Rylie earlier and when she went to bed, I didn't feel tired at all but I guess at some point it just hit me,″ she smiled weakly.

″So Rylie is here?″

″Yeah, it was better for her not to be alone tonight,″ Erin said. ″And maybe it was better for me, too,″ she admitted. ″Otherwise I would've thought too much about how fragile everything still is, how she makes one wrong move that has the magnitude to change the game for all of us. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have a problem with adopting Luke, even now with the baby,″ she said and placed her hand on her stomach, caressing it gently with the tips of her fingers. ″I just know what would happen to Rylie then and this thought scares me.″

″Yeah, I know,″ Jay only nodded and kissed her temple.

″I hate to admit it but I'm proud of her, Jay,″ she said quietly, speaking those words out loud for the first time. ″What she did was stupid but she is a recovered drug-addict who took the coke with the only intention to flush it down the toilet which means she really made it. And in the end of the day, her actions just show her huge golden heart that I saw the minute I got to know her better. She now just has to learn to control it, you know, like some super hero that has to learn to control their superpowers.″

″And then one day, she will be just like you. A human super hero that's always there for everyone, giving her heart to make everything alright,″ Jay agreed, a whole lot of pride reflecting from his heart-eyes. ″Talking about making everything alright: how did you even manage to bail her out of that without any consequences?″ he asked what he's been wondering for hours now since their phone call earlier had to be cut short.

″I gave quite the epic speech,″ she chuckled and quickly repeated what she'd told them, her words definitely being one of the main reasons why Rylie's gotten off with a slap on the wrist. ″I think once they knew the story they all realized that what Rylie did was noble yet stupid but that her heart's in the right place and when I tried to explain her actions by defining the different meanings of help they realized that there are different ways of help but not such a thing as a wrong way. I think I reminded them that they all were there at some point, that they all did something stupid while thinking it was the right thing.″

″I know I told you this before but you are the most amazing woman to ever walk the earth,″ Jay smiled, meaning every word because his wife never ceased to amaze him. ″We are all so lucky to have you in our lives.″

″You know, the person I am, I'm mainly because of all the amazing people that surround me,″ she smiled at him. ″So I guess I'm pretty lucky, too.″

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One week later

″I can't believe it's only one more week and your first trimester is already over again,″ Jay smiled on Sunday morning by the end of April as they lay in their bed enjoying the silence of the early morning hours, and he pulled her closer to his body from behind, his hand resting on her still flat abdomen.

″I can't believe I'm eleven weeks and there still has been no morning sickness at all,″ Erin chuckled and laced her fingers through his.

″Don't jinx it,″ Jay laughed and kissed her hair.

″I don't think there will be any,″ she said. ″I mean, not even any sweet smell in the morning can turn my stomach this time and last time only the thought of waffles in the morning made me run to the toilet.″

″That's maybe because you crave the sweet and unhealthy this time,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, I have to control that but I see chocolate and just want it,″ she sighed. ″Those strawberries with Emmy were way healthier and better.″

″We could try that later in the park,″ he smiled. ″I guess I can make it happen to pack some strawberries into our picnic basket, so maybe once the baby tasted them, it craves for them, too.″

A picnic in the park with Luke and Emilia was their plan to spend this sunny Sunday and it was a couple of hours later that they found a perfect spot in a nearby park and settled on two blankets under a tree, the stroller as usual not occupied by Emmy but loaded with a huge bag of toys. They enjoyed a lazy Sunday afternoon in the sun, ate sandwiches and fruits and drank lime juice and water, played fetch with Crispin and soccer with Luke and Emilia or hide-and-seek in two teams. Everyone had a blast, this family downtime and not thinking about work or anything else urgently needed. Those were the days and the moments that gave them the power and strength to make it through heavy cases and that helped them to see things a little more relaxed when their little ones drove them nuts with tantrums.

″Anyone else wants ice cream?″ Jay asked when they all returned to the blankets after playing with the soccer ball.

″Yeeeeeeees,″ Luke beamed.

″What about you, Emmy? You want some ice cream?″ Erin asked her daughter and settled with her on the blanket.

″Yaah,″ she answered.

″Alright, then ice cream for Emmy as well,″ Jay smiled. ″What about you?″ he asked Erin.

″You aren't actually asking,″ she chuckled.

″No, I'm not,″ he laughed. ″You want strawberry?″ he teased, being sure to already know the answer.

″No, I guess I rather want chocolate,″ she smiled innocently.

″Then chocolate it is,″ he winked back and took Luke by the hand as the two of them went to buy some ice cream while Emilia and Erin started to build a tower with some plastic bowls.

The boys, how Erin called them, returned a little later, handing everyone a cone and soon Emilia's clothes and whole face were covered with vanilla ice cream, the sticky stuff everywhere but in her mouth although Erin held the cone for her.

″Is the baby satisfied now?″ Jay grinned at his wife who had her hands full with her own ice cream and Emmy's ice cream.

″The baby is super satisfied,″ Erin smiled, taking an extra big bite from her double chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips.

″Erin?″ Luke asked, his mouth almost too full to speak. ″How did the baby get in your tummy?″

By this question, spoken out ever so innocent and casual, Erin almost choked on her ice cream and for a second she was sure this was the last thing she would ever eat.

″Yes Erin, how did the baby get in your tummy?″ Jay mimicked his foster-son and laughed heartily. In fact, they've been waiting for this to come up and he found it hilarious that Luke had asked Erin and that now she had to tell him about the birds and the bees. If it was the other way around, his facial expression would probably resemble Erin's now because none of them had experience with telling a 5-year-old where babies came from. ″Say something,″ he cockily raised his eyebrows at her and in this moment she just wanted to kill him for how much he enjoyed this while she just wanted the ground to open and swallow her whole.

″Well,″ Erin cleared her throat. ″That's complicated.″

″Did you eat it?″ Luke asked with wide eyes when Erin didn't say anything.

″No Luke, I didn't eat it,″ she assured him instantly. ″Luke, babies are made...,″ she started, her mind still searching for the right words to explain this in a way that he would understand. ″When two adults love each other so so much, this love is able to create a baby inside the mommy's tummy.″ Was this the worst explanation ever or was it the worst explanation ever?

It was the worst explanation ever.

″But how can you create a baby in your tummy?″ he asked curiously. Maybe it was time to buy a book to explain how babies were made and that women neither eat them nor were they brought by the stork. ″And how does it get out?″

Somehow, Erin was more than thankful for the second question and she hoped by answering it, Luke would forget his other question. At least for now. ″The baby first has to grow for a couple more months and then, when it's ready to be with us, I have to go to the hospital to give birth to the baby and we will bring it home.″

″Huh,″ Luke answered. It seemed like he considered her answer and Erin was sure to see a thousand more questions on his face that indicated that he wasn't satisfied with this answer and wanted to know more. But the great thing about young children was that even though they had a lot of questions, they sometimes had other priorities. ″And then, when you bring it home, I can play with it?″

Erin let out a breath she didn't know she's been holding and her whole body seemed to relax. ″You have to be careful because it's really small but someday you can play with it.″

″Cool,″ Luke beamed and just like that he dedicated his attention back to his melting ice cream.

″We have to buy that book later,″ Erin murmured to Jay, her glance still almost putting him six feet under.

He only smirked in response because she was adorable when she was mad, especially when it was for a reason like this. ″Yep. I think going to the book store before going home isn't the worst idea.″

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In the evening, they all had bedtime stories together in Luke's ever-existing fort, each of them having a kid in their lap as they took turns with reading from The Little Prince. They'd bought a where-babies-come-from-book earlier but so far Luke hasn't asked his questions again and so the book would rest on the shelf and they would wait until this topic came up again, which they knew would happen as soon as Erin's stomach grew bigger to provide their growing baby the space it needed.

When Emmy fell asleep, Erin decided to tuck her in and go for a shower then while Jay naturally accepted Luke's request of reading a story from the pirate book, that he probably knew by heart now, doing all the voices, just as always. Luke had him wrapped around his finger almost as much as Emilia had and it was a real struggle to deny these cute kids anything, even if it was reading the same story with the same ending for the hundreth time.

It was just after Jay'd closed the door of Luke's room from the outside after finishing their bedtime stories for the night, when Erin called for him from the bathroom, her voice as panicked that it got right to his core, anxiety building up inside of him because he instantly knew something was wrong. ″Jay!″

He took off instantly and ran to the bathroom as she called for him again, only this time her voice was trembling and when he bursted through the door and then found her standing in the not running shower, he was pretty sure that this was how it felt when the heart stopped beating.

Blood ran down her thighs, joining a puddle that was already forming on the ground and for a moment it was dead silent.

His mouth was dry and he wasn't able to say any word of the english language as his eyes processed the picture in front of him, as his brain put two and two together into a picture his heart couldn't take.

″Say something.″ She didn't look at him, her voice was broken and barely a whisper but he could clearly hear the fear in it.

″I...I...″ he stammered, not being able to take his eyes away from the red liquid that gathered around her feet. ″I go and call Hank. We have to go to the hospital.″

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded absently and when their eyes finally met, Jay only found emptyness in them. Emptyness and grief. Grief for what they both deep down inside knew they'd just lost. ″It's gone.″ Her voice sounded so different that for a moment he was sure this was just some nightmare and someone would soon wake him up but her silent sob and the tears falling from her eyes made it all real.

″Hey Er,″ Jay said calmly, swallowing his emotions down as he approached her and carefully wrapped a towel around her. ″We don't know anything yet.″ He tried to make it sound like he still thought everything was alright in an attempt to protect himself from the heartbreaking truth, and he knew that their life as they knew it would spiral out of control in the next few hours.

″Jay, we know,″ she said ever so quiet and with a certainty in her voice that broke his shattered heart into even more pieces that he was sure it was beyond a point of repair.

Because yes, in fact, they did...