56. Scared To Be Happy
Thank you all so so much for all the lovely comments and messages! I'm happy to hear that you're going to stay with me until the end, it really means a loooot! :)
This one is a bit on the shorter side (at least compared to the usual length) and it's kind of a filler chapter but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.
Disclaimer: I still own nada.
56. Scared To Be Happy
Erin was holstering her gun for the first time in almost 10 months, putting her star on her belt as well, when Jay joined her in the locker room of the bullpen on Monday after their house hunting weekend around lunch time.
″Hey you,″ she said when she saw him stepping into the room. ″How was it at the crime scene?″
″Not nice,″ Jay sighed, trying to push the picture of their 20-year-old victim who'd been burned alive into the back of his head. ″But tell me about your gun requalification." That was what he's been curious about for the last three hours after all. Her missing gun requalification had been the reason why she hasn't been allowed to be at the crime scenes or out in general with the rest of the unit yet, which had therefore extended her desk duty for a couple more days although Emmy was with her babysitter once a week now. ″Did you pass?″
″You didn't just really ask whether I passed, did you?″ she asked back, throwing him a little death glare for even considering that there was a possibility she hadn't passed. She pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans and showed him a picture of her dispersion pattern proudly. All her shots were almost all right in the center and it wasn't possible to do it much better than this. She was almost as good as him.
That's my girl, Jay thought, a big, proud smile rushing over his face. ″Son of a bitch,″ he smirked. ″Nailed it, huh?″
″Yeah, I would say so,″ she grinned shortly, her voice being pensively at the same time, before seriousness started to overshadow her face. She looked down to her belt and her gun, swiped her fingers over her star abstractedly and suddenly it seemed like she was fighting with herself.
″What's wrong?″ Jay frowned, the change in her behavior being all obvious for him, and watched how she was chewing on her lips.
″This is the right move for me, right?″ she asked quietly, still not looking up but focussing on her fingers which drew patterns onto her badge. The badge she was so damn proud of. Because it made her who she was. At least in the past it had made her who she was. But now, being a mother, she suddenly struggled to figure out whether this was still who she was. The badass cop, always seeking for some kind of thrill.
″What do you mean?″
″Me being back at work, doing the dangerous stuff as well. I can still do that although I'm a mom, right?″ she asked, insecurity displaying from her voice.
″Of course you can,″ Jay assured her and cupped her cheek with his hand so she had to look at him. When their eyes met she reminded him of a doe in the beam of the headlights. ″As long as you feel like it's the right move, it is the right move. Only when you don't feel comfortable with it, you should maybe skip the dangerous stuff for now because you need to have your head in the game when we go in somewhere. No distractions.″
″It's not that I'm scared. If I was I could look for a permanent job behind a desk. I love my job in Intelligence, every single part of it, and I'm excited for the first time I'm allowed to wear my vest again and bust some drugdealers that think they're smarter than us. It's just...I know it's not a given that cops make it home in the evening...I'm aware that bad things happen all the time...especially to us because we kinda booked front row seats when it comes to tragedy and drama...so what if...what if something happens to us...to the both of us at the same time during a bust or a chase? Life can be cruel...we see more cruelty in a week than most people see in a lifetime...and no child should lose their parents and Emilia should at least always have one of us...she shouldn't be left behind alone...″ she rambled and her voice broke, tears looming in her beautiful hazel-green eyes.
″Hey babe,″ Jay whispered, brushing the pad of his thumb over her face to give her some comfort. Of course he'd thought about this as well but what should he tell her? If there was one thing life had taught them, it was that it was unpredictable and that there were no guarantees. Only hope that fate wouldn't force any of the three of them to get left behind. ″She's always going to have both of her parents, okay?″ he said, knowing very well that this wasn't as convincing as she needed it to be.
″That's what we hope,″ she answered, inhaling a deep breath to steady her voice. ″But we can't know that. And when we go out there, although I know you have my back and you can be sure that I always have yours, I want to be sure that there is someone who would raise her like their own in case something ever happens to us.″
″Something like a guardian?″
″Yeah,″ Erin nodded briefly.
″You want it to be Hank?″ he asked, guessing that her father-figure was her first choice, his hand trailing down to her shoulder, squeezing her uptight muscles gently.
″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″I've been going back and forth with that and it's anyway something we should decide together, not just me alone. I thought about Hank indeed because he raised me as well and I trust him. But him taking care of her if...you know...that would mean he couldn't protect this city in the way he wants to protect it. And in the way this city needs his protection. I thought about your brother as well but he also has a full-time-job with different shifts all the time and taking care of her would most probably come with restrictions for him in regard with his job. I don't want to give anyone that burden to change their lives drastically...″ she explained and her voice trailed off once more.
Jay didn't like the way she was talking. Completely didn't like it. More like utterly hated it as it filled him with anxiety. Because she talked like it was already carved in stone that something would happen to them at some point, that they would leave Emilia behind and someone else had to raise her.
″Erin,″ Jay sighed, his hand moving up to her cheek again. ″If something ever happens to us, no one would deny to take care of our daughter and raise her for us. No one,″ he said softly. And if something happens to us all their lives would change drastically in various ways anyway, he thought but held back from speaking it out loud.
″And babe,″ he then almost whispered, his voice affected by raw emotions, ″as much as I hate the thought of you leaving me or me leaving you before we grew old and grey and wrinkled together in Wisconsin, I have to tell you that she'll always have one of us. Because we mostly do the really dangerous stuff in the evening or during the night. And the only evening you'll work somewhen will be the one I go home early to be with our princess. And all the other mornings when we work together it can for sure get dangerous. There can always be shootings or chases throughout the day as well that might get dangerous. But we'll always have each other's back, all the guys have our backs whenever we're not teamed up together, so these are the normal risks we have to face and other than those mornings we both work one of us will always be with her.″
He placed a short kiss on her forehead and pulled her into his embrace because he knew that this was what she needed most right now. Just being held by him, his strong arms giving her some security.
″And you know what?″ he murmured into her hair, deciding that he didn't want to leave her in this state of mind any longer.
″Huh?″ she asked and lifted her head.
″We'll be there when she starts to crawl. When she starts to pull herself up everywhere because she wants to stand on her own little feet. When she takes her first steps. When she says her first word...which will be daddy of course,″ he chuckled softly and even got a faint grin and an attempted eye-brow raise from her in return. He sensed she wanted to argue so he continued talking before she could. ″We'll be there to watch Frozen with her every single time she wants to watch it. We'll be there when she pretends to be Elsa or Anna and sings Let It Go in the most adorable way. We'll be there for her first day at school. We'll be there when she goes out with friends in the evening for the first time. We'll be there when she introduces her first boyfriend,″ he said somewhat teeth-gnashingly. ″We'll be there for her during her first heartbreak. Because you know, this will be the time for me to break some guy's neck,″ he smiled softly and even got a real, raspy chuckle from her in return. ″We will be there, Erin. You and me, we will be there. Both.″
She looked at him, unshed tears sparkling in her eyes once more. This man was a saint in so many damn ways. Not only that he knew the details about Frozen, which let her wonder whether he'd watched it secretly somewhen because she didn't know a single thing about the movie that was loved my millions of girls all over the world, but also because he had a way of talking to her, of choosing words that really made her believe him.
″We will be there,″ she echoed and nodded, convincing herself. She would want a guardian for Emilia anyway but Jay's words had once again helped her to calm down nonetheless. He was right, chances were slim that something bad happened to both of them at the same time. Life has used them as bouncy balls or punching bags for long enough and for once they deserved that everything turned out fine, without constant tragedies. Maybe they just had to believe in the good things more often for them to come true. Maybe they simply had to believe in their happy end instead of always waiting for another drama to blow up just around the corner. Maybe fate was finally clement with them and would stop playing tricks on them, testing how strong they were and how much they could take. Maybe they were really allowed to grow old and grey and wrinkled together. In Wisconsin, just like Jay'd already been dreaming of during the time when they'd dated behind Hank's back and their relationship status had been something between having an electrifying affair and having serious feelings for each other.
″We will,″ Jay said once more, taking her hand in his, squeezing it shortly.
″We will,″ she echoed again, took a deep breath and brushed her lips against him shortly. Keeping it professional in the bullpen was something they'd quit a long time ago. ″Thank you,″ she whispered against his mouth.
″Always,″ he smiled and pecked her lips again. ″Are you ready to join me with questioning some of our victim's friends then?″
″Yeah, I guess I am,″ she said, giving him a thankful smile, her hand clapsing against her badge. ″And the first suspect we're going to bring into interrogation will be mine to interrogate. Can't wait to tear some little turd apart.″
Me neither, Jay thought. ″That should get interesting,″ he laughed before they made their way to the pen to sum up the facts they already had and brief Erin with the case. Erin as a mom was one thing and he loved Erin in full mommy-mode. But Erin as a cop, in badass-mode, was also something he could never get enough of.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
It didn't even need a day for the whole unit to realize that Erin apparently hadn't lost her sass when it came to interrogating fishy suspects and pricks. To say she was on fire was quite an understatement and although she was still only in cop-mode once a week for a couple of hours it felt like she'd never left. The suspects they'd cuffed during the last few months might have been lucky that she hadn't been there to interrogate them but then again, with Hank Voight being the head of Intelligence no guilty suspect could ever be considered to be lucky.
It was two weeks after her gun requalification, the calendar nearing the end of May, when Erin decided that she was ready to add another morning that Emilia would spend with Carol. Monday and Friday from around 7.30 in the morning to around 2.30 in the afternoon were now the days she would spend seperated from her daughter. Adding hours or mornings whenever she was ready for it has made the transition from maternity leave back to work life quite comfortable and easy for her and she was thankful that she was allowed to do it like this as she knew this wasn't a given but rather a rare luxury.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
″Hey beautifuls,″ Jay said on early Friday evening when he stepped into the nursery after wrapping their current case quite early in the afternoon, leaving the pen only two hours after Erin. The first weekend of June was ahead, which meant Emilia was four months old. And their little lady was changing rapidly and growing like a crazy, it seriously scared the crap out of them. Rolling over was her favorite thing to do, she literally did it all day long, and Erin could've sworn Emmy was already making attempts to crawl. Not really crawling of course but whenever she was lying on her tummy on her playmat on the floor, she tried to move away from her current spot. Thankfully her legs and arms weren't strong enough for such activities yet because Erin seriously wasn't ready for her baby to crawl. She needed her to stay her little baby for just a tad bit longer.
″Hey handsome,″ Erin grinned and looked up to the man who looked beyond handsome and way too sexy in his black jeans and the grey henley, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. She was sitting on the floor, Emilia sitting in her lap, playing with a rattle, squeaking joyfully whenever she managed to shake it as hard that it made a noise. But the current toy was only interesting as long as Erin didn't show her another one. Then she would let go of the toy she was holding in her tiny hand and reach for the one in her mother's hand. Seeing the various toys spread around them, Jay assumed they must've played this game for quite a while now.
Jay sat down right next to them, pressed a long, lingering kiss on Erin's lips first and then leaned down to place a kiss on Emilia's head. ″Hey princess, how's it going?″ he asked, picked the little stuffed elephant, that she'd gotten from Will on the day of her birth, up to show her. Of course she dumped the rattle instantly and reached for the elephant instead, giving her father her famous, big smile, one that was contagious and melted his heart, like ice melted in the sun, every time. Jay was sure Emilia was the happiest baby on this planet because it required quite a lot that she wasn't smiling. Their daughter was still demanding though and let them know loudly when she wasn't satisfied with the situation. But other than that she was happy and alert at all times although her serious and judging faces were darn cute as well. They always reminded him of Erin's pout and her facial expressions when she was serious and he sensed that their daughter had not only inherited her mother's looks but also her character because the similarities were obvious already.
″You want to go to daddy?″ Erin asked her baby and picked her up to settle her in Jay's lap. He placed his hand on her stomach to hold her safely although she was more lying in his lap than sitting since she wasn't supposed to sit for too long yet.
Erin leaned her head against his strong shoulder, tickled the hairline of his neck with the tips of her fingers while now Jay was the one to pick up toys and show them to Emmy. But currently she seemed to be all fascinated by a chunky yellow ring from her Stacking Ring toy for which she was too young yet to use it properly. Not too young to explore it with her mouth though. She loved to put her hands and fingers in her mouth as well as bringing her toys up to her mouth, her drool covering literally everything these days.
″Soooooo,″ Jay said into the silence, in a way that made Erin look up instantly. ″The bank called earlier,″ he added and looked down into her face, giving her a meaningful glance.
″They did?″ she asked back, looking at him expectantly, hoping for him telling her that the bank would give them the green light for this next step in their together life. Because during the last two weeks she's more and more fallen in love with the idea of buying their house of dreams in the suburbs and moving there. No matter how crazy it was. The rest of her hesistance has slowly disappeared and during one morning, when Emilia had been sleeping, she'd even found herself looking for interior design ideas on Pinterest and her brain was literally overflowed with tons of ideas now. She knew that she wanted Emilia's room to look exactly like her nursery looked right now, she had an amazing idea for the wall behind the dining table and some ideas for the kitchen and the master bedroom as well and she wanted to transform those ideas as soon as possible. Although they'd agreed they would not move in before the wedding in case they got the loan as their life was stressful enough for the moment and they for sure didn't need more stress with the few renovations they had to make and organizing their move all within the next few weeks. They would maybe paint some rooms on the weekends, when they were in the mood, but they would only move in after the wedding, after their honeymoon. In case the bank has indeed granted them the loan they needed.
″Yup,″ he nodded, a smile forming in the corners of his lips. ″The loan went through and we can sign all the necessary contracts tomorrow.″
″Wow,″ she exhaled slowly, joy and fear settling in her at the same time. Although this was exactly what she'd wanted him to tell her she still felt a tad bit overwhelmed. Because how could someone possibly not be overwhelmed by the thought of paying a mortgage back for the next twenty plus years? All the responsibilities that came with buying a house were now theirs to carry and this was in fact still a scary thought.
″Are you...happy?″ Jay asked confused, failing in interpreting her gaze. She looked shocked to say the least.
″Yes...,″ she nodded, a small smile appearing on her face, slowly spreading into a wider one. ″Hell yes I am. But holy damn, we're going to be house owners of a house in the suburbs...in one of the best neighborhoods in the city in fact...that's crazy,″ she exclaimed, chuckling softly and shaking her head as if she couldn't believe it. And it would maybe take a while until she was finally able to really believe it, that she, Erin Lindsay, would move to the suburbs with her little family, so far away from the places where she'd grown up.
″We are,″ Jay answered and his voice also showed hints of disbelief. Because he couldn't believe that yet another of his lifelong dreams was about to come true.
A comfortable silence started to surround them again and Erin's mind was still occupied with various things. Were they rushing things with also buying a house now? Most definitely. But when had they ever not rushed things? Getting together, getting pregnant, getting engaged, having Emilia and then getting married all within 21 months wasn't exactly taking things slow. Their life was one damn rush. But it was the most perfect rush. This rush was the reason for Erin being happier than ever before. And so they would keep on rushing things because so far it has never turned out wrong or bad and deep down inside she knew that this was the right move. Knew that their happiness would continue to grow though she sometimes wondered whether this was still possible because they seemed to be at the peak already.
Emilia's joyful squeaking startled her from her thoughts and she looked up to see that she was currently 'flying' over Jay's head, is hands holding her safely. She looked from her laughing daughter down to her fiancé's face and saw him smiling just as bright while making some silly, undefinable noises that maybe should imitate an airplane or helicopter. Her heart wanted to jump out of her chest because there was nothing that she loved more than seeing him like this. So undeniably happy.
″Are you ever scared to be this happy?″ she asked quietly. In the moment these words slipped from her mouth she wondered why on Earth she'd spoken them out loud. Because she was happy, very happy, and so was he, so these words didn't actually fit their current situation. But yet they did. Only Jay didn't seem to get it as well, giving her a somewhat confused look.
″Huh?″ he frowned, settling Emilia in his lap again, giving her the stuffed rattle this time. When his blue eyes met her hazel ones he instantly knew that something was really preying on her mind. ″What do you mean? Don't you want to buy the house?″
″Uhm...no...it has nothing to do with the house...not really at least...and it's not that I'm calling our life into question,″ she rambled slightly, inhaling a deep breath before sharing with him what was going on inside of her. ″But...aren't you sometimes scared that something happens and it all slips away? This whole life we've built? That we lose it all and can do nothing about it? Aren't you scared to be this happy, Jay?″ she whispered.
Knowing exactly what she meant, he took her hand in his instantly and squeezed it gently. It was in situations like this when he realized that her past still influenced her immensely. That some fears and doubts would forever chaperone her. With everything that she'd been through, that had happened in her life already, she still wasn't able to believe in a happy ever-after. Because she didn't know any real life happy endings. Because something always happened to the people she loved most. Because she still didn't trust life enough that she allowed herself to believe that for once she wouldn't drown in another drama, that for once her happiness wouldn't be taken away by tragedy.
″I'm only scared of the possibility of somewhen not being this happy anymore but I'm not scared to be this happy because it's too beautiful to be scared and I enjoy it too much,″ he answered all honest. He lived for all of these moments of pure happiness because there'd been times when he didn't believe that he would ever be allowed to experience all of this. Finding the love of his life, marrying her and having a child with her, calling himself a husband and a father. Back in Afghanistan when he'd gone to bed in the evening, not knowing whether he would see the sun rise again and when he'd made himself ready for the day in the morning, not knowing whether he would see the sun set again. Back when he'd returned from war, having lost his mother to cancer, his grandfather to dotage and his cousin to war and his beloved aunt, uncle and other two cousins turning away from him. Back when he'd been almost all alone with his grief and guilt and with dealing with the aftermath of seeing and doing things overseas he didn't wish his biggest enemy to witness.
But ever since meeting Erin, the woman who he'd hoped back then would maybe change his life for the better, he has slowly but steady started to believe in happy endings again, had somewhen allowed himself to be happy again because that's what he's been whenever he was with her: happy. As happy that it hurt in the most positive way. And regardless that he knew she was beyond happy as well, her latest statement confirming it, she still had a way to go until she would trust her own life enough to believe in happy endings. He couldn't blame her though but he would for sure give his very best to help her to overcome her last insecurities so she would allow herself to really be as happy as she acutally was deep down inside, and not with still some of her happiness bottled up and locked inside of her to protect herself.
″You should try that, too,″ he said softly, his thumb brushing over her knuckles.
″I will,″ she nodded before asking: ″We'll always fight for the things we can influence, for what we have, right? Even if life gets complicated, if our relationship gets complicated...″
″Always,″ he assured her instantly although he knew they didn't need this kind of promise. His life was only complete with Erin and the same applied for her. They would never give up on each other. There weren't any relationships without any fights and he knew they would come up occasionally but their relationship was without a doubt worth any fight, was built on solid grounds. ″You know, love is for fighters. And we're both some stubborn fighters,″ he said, giving her a little smile, his fingers now tracing lazy circles onto her hand.
Erin let out a soft chuckle by his statement and before brushing her lips against his ever so slow and thankful she grinned: ″That we are.″
Thanks for reading, please leave a review and let me know what you think! The next chapter should be up next week, this one was only delayed because I was on vacation but it's my plan to update weekly for the next couple of weeks!