4. Chapter 4

Another Broken Heart You've Left Behind Ch 4

A/N: Hey! So it's been a while, sorry for that, but I've been in India visiting my family since my cousin is getting married! Happy New Years to everyone! Hope you like how I did this chapter. I was a bit stuck on where to go with this but I think I finally figured it out...

Enjoy!

~Another Broken Heart You've Left Behind~

Jay stood and placed Ben in his arms before walking towards the door.

"Tony. I told you I'd be fine. You don't need to -" Jay opened the door and stood shocked.

"Hi" Erin whispered "can we talk?"

Jay couldn't believe it. She was here, in front of him. Why? He thought they had said all they needed to say.

"Jay?" Erin said. He then realised he had been standing there saying nothing.

"Sorry" he opened the door further and let her in as she followed him into the kitchen area.

Jay wasn't sure what to say. It would be inappropriate to offer her beer given her recent 'sabbatical'. Did she even want something to drink? She wanted to talk, maybe they should just do that.

"He's grown so big" Erin pulled him out of his thoughts once again.

Jay looked down at their son snuggled contently in his arms and smiled. Looking back up at Erin he felt that same sting in his heart that he had when he confronted her outside the bar.

"That's what happens in the space of three weeks" he snapped back.

Erin looked to the ground "I deserve that" she whispered

"You deserve a lot more than just that Erin" he replied holding Ben closer to him, feeling protective over his son.

Erin sighed "look, can we please talk? I know I screwed up ok, but I'd like to be able to explain if you'd let me"

Jay paused for a few moments, deliberating. She had broken his heart so many times before, why should he let her in now? He felt Ben move against him once more and sighed. This was what was best for his son, he had to at least try right?

"Let me just put him back down" Erin nodded watching Jay leave the kitchen before walking over to the couch and taking a seat, waiting for him to return.

He came back a few moments later, now wearing a shirt and sweats instead of just his boxers. She watched as he sat on the edge of the coffee table across from her leaning his elbows on his knees. Clearly he didn't feel comfortable sitting next to her anymore.

What had she done to them? She had broken them, and she knew it. She just hoped she could fix things before it was too late.

"I'm coming back to the unit" Erin broke the silence

"I know" Erin raised an eyebrow at his response "Hank asked me if it was okay"

"And you said yes?"

"Obviously." he sarcastically replied

"Sorry. I just didn't think you'd want me there"

Jay looked her in the eyes "I'd rather you there than out on the streets doing God knows what, with God knows who"

Erin looked down at the floor as she spoke again "I'm so sorry Jay"

"For what exactly?" He asked "for the drinking? The drugs? For quitting the unit? For quitting on me?" He listed as his voice rose.

"Jay-" she started

"Or how about for leaving our son Erin?" He stood up, pacing as he spoke "because I can't understand how you can just suddenly decide you'd rather party and sleep around with absolute strangers instead of being here for your son"

"I couldn't do it Jay" she spoke "I couldn't stand in that office everyday and see the desk where my best friend used to sit. A girl I loved like my own family, a girl who I brought into that unit, a girl who I got killed!"

Jay looked on in shock as Erin cried out "I kept blaming myself. If I had just left her alone, if I had never tried to help her, she'd still be alive. And I couldn't bear the thought of losing anyone else I cared about. I thought that the best way to protect you and Hank and Ben was if I left. And I know it sounds completely ridiculous but that's how I felt"

Jay sighed as he sat back down on the table, his anger fading. He took a deep breath and calmly spoke "look Erin, this isn't something you can just magically fix. You left. You left Hank, and our unit. But more than that you left our son. He didn't do anything to deserve that Erin. He needed his mother, and you weren't there"

"Just give me a chance Jay. I want to fix things with Ben. I heard what you said to me outside the bar ok? And you're right, I was becoming Bunny. And I can't be like my mother, I want to fix things before he's old enough to remember all the damage I did. I can't have him think of me as Bunny, Jay. Please. Let me fix it, Let me fix our family, please" she was pleading.

She didn't care if she looked pathetic. In that moment she would do anything it took to get her family back. She reached over and grabbed Jay's hand as tears began to fall from her eyes "let me fix us, please"

Jay froze at the contact. Things weren't the same, they weren't the same. And he wasn't sure they ever would be. Work would be easier to fix, but outside of that? He didn't know anything anymore.

"I already spoke to Hank. He doesn't mind me spending time here with Ben while I'm living with him, or if you wanted to leave Ben there with me for a night, he said he's okay with that" Erin continued, hoping to persuade Jays decision, but he simply sat quietly for what felt like hours.

"Ok" he finally whispered

"Ok?" She repeated

"You can spend some time with Ben, but it's going to take a while before you can get back to before Erin" Jay felt his heart warm slightly at Erin's smile.

"Thank you" she said "I love you Jay. I love Ben. I'm going to fix this, I'm going to fix us. I promise."

"I don't know if there is an us anymore Erin" Jay spoke "we've been through so much, maybe too much. I don't know if there's any coming back from that"

"Jay, you can't really -"

"I think it's best if you just focus on your rehab, and being with Ben" he said as he stood, effectively ending their conversation.

Erin took a breath and stood as well, following Jay to the door. She grabbed her jacket off the coat rack as Jay opened the door for her. She walked out the door, turning back to look at Jay

"Goodnight Jay" she whispered

"Goodnight Erin" he said as she shut the door.

Erin walked down the stairs and got into her car, sitting there for a few minutes as the tears fell from her face. She had finally done the one thing she never thought she would do. She had ruined her relationship with Jay Halstead. She had broken him, he had given up on them, and there was no coming back from that was there?

Jay watched from the window of his bedroom as Erin sat in her car, staying there for a few minutes before she finally drove off. He sighed to himself as he turned his gaze towards his now sleeping son.

Ben needed his mother, and Erin needed Ben. They needed to focus on their son and her rehab. He was doing the right thing, wasn't he?

Erin opened the door to Hank's house and walked inside. All she wanted to do was shower and curl up in her bed and sleep. The lack of drugs in her system were making her tired from all the missed nights of sleep in the past three weeks, and exhaustion was taking over.

"How'd it go with Halstead?" Voight's voice brooke the silence as Erin turned from the bottom of the staircase to join Hank in the living room.

"He agreed to let me see Ben, so that's something"

"Thats good" Hank nodded. He wanted to be more understanding, like he had been when she was a teenager. But this time was different, it wasn't just her life,mor her heart, involved. There were now three people to look out for, and Hank was having difficulty not siding with Jay.

"Good talk" erin muttered sarcastically getting up once again

"What do you want from me here Erin?" Hank yelled out

"How about for you to care?" She turned to face him "I know I screwed up but I'm trying! I left my son, my family, my unit behind because I blamed myself for Nadia's death, And I managed to push away the one man that makes my world turn! I needed him and you, and he doesn't want me! So I need your help Hank, and if I don't have it I might as well just give up now" she cried

Hank sighed and got up to hug his pseudo-daughter "you did a lot of damage Erin"

"I know" she whispered "and you're allowed to be mad, but I need you Hank. I need the man who raised me, the man who was more a father to me than my own dad was. Please"

"I know you're trying kid, I'll try too. I promise" Hank whispered as Erin hugged him tighter, the two standing in silence for a few moments.

"How about you tell me what happened tonight?" Hank said as he pulled away from her.

And so she did. She told him about how she apologised, about he told her how hurt he was - is, about how he agreed to let her have a relationship with their son. About how she said she loved him. About how he didn't want to be with her.

"He needs time Erin, it's s lot of hurt to get over" Hank said after she finished.

Erin shook her head sadly "you didn't see him tonight Hank. I broke him, and I honestly don't blame him for giving up. I just had this delusional idea that somehow, I could fix it all for us. Like you did when you took me in. You made my life so much better, even when I screwed up you forgave me" she explained "I guess I just thought maybe Jay could do the same"

"I may Neto have seen him tonight, but I've seen him the last three a mess without you Erin, but he's stubborn. Much like someone else I know" he narrowed his eyes at her "you just need to figure out whether or not heat you two have is worth fighting for. Because if the only reason you're doing this is do that you're son has the family you never did, then you need to seriously reevaluate the situation"

Erin shook her head vehemently "I love him Hank. Even when we weren't together, I love him. Yes he's the father of my child, but I love him no matter what, and I want to be with him because he's the one person that makes me happier, safe, more loved than I've ever felt in my entire life. I only see a future with him Hank, he's it"

"Well then I guess you need to figure out how you fix things between you two" Hank smiled

Erin sighed "Monday is going to be interesting"

A/N: I was going to keep going but I feel like this is a good spot to end this chapter. I hope you guys liked this chapter, as always let me know if there's anything you want to see happen and what you thought of this chapter.

There's still some rocky times ahead for our favourite couple so I hope you stick with me.. Hope you're all having a good New Years

- Maddie :)