One Day At A Time

They sat side by side on the flight to Guwahati in near complete silence.  Their minds engrossed, trying to understand the tragedy that they shared. For both of them their loss was insurmountable. Jaya had lost her boy friend and Ravish his best mate. They were making this pilgrimage to Shillong to fulfil Pete's final wishes. Although a Christian Pete had insisted on being cremated and it was his wish that they scatter his ashes in the Smit valley, the place where he had spent his childhood. He had no family and so it was left to Jaya and Ravish to carry out his task. Pete had never known his mother for she had died at childbirth. His Dad too had passed away some years back.  Pete had immersed himself totally in his work and had gone on to complete his specialization in Oncology.

A chance meeting with Jaya, a paediatric –nephrologists in the cafeteria on a particularly tough day had led to many cups of coffee which eventually resulted in quick dinners together particularly when they were both on late rounds.

Thus it was that the quiet yet easy going Pete was drawn to the ever practical and logical Jaya. They both did not talk much, words were superfluous. Their taste in food, music, books and movies were very similar. In fact their devotion to their profession and patients was mirrored in equal intensity.

Sitting on the plane Jaya was still grappling with the fact that Pete was gone forever. Quirk of fate that the disease he treated in others took his life. Once Pete had realized that he had lung cancer he had refused to go in for treatment since his cancer had progressed to stage 4. Although he had never smoked a cigarette in his life the polluted air of Delhi had got the better of him or was it just destined to be. Jaya had begged him to at least try chemotherapy or other methods but he had refused saying he did not wish to prolong his suffering, he wanted to have a good quality of life till the cancer quietly won.

Pete had always told her that when his time was up no one should grieve. He believed that in his short time on earth he had contributed a lot specifically in his professional field. He had enjoyed his life thoroughly and found his love in Jaya. He had lived and when the time came he would go. He worried about Jaya but he knew that she was young and she had her work to back her up. He also told her that he was sure she would find love again and the second time round it would last for her.

A tiny smile, like a nervous butterfly, flitted across her lips when she remembered his teasing ways. Pete had often ruffled her equilibrium when he said that some day she would have a hard time remembering him. In the sunshine and happiness that life would bestow on her, he would become a mere shadow in the past. Just a name, a form without detail and a dim memory.  Jaya knew that was impossible. They did not share an earth shattering love but they complemented each other and the easy camaraderie and steady love that she had with him could never be replaced.

Jaya sighed as she handed her cup to the stewardess for more coffee. She looked at Ravish who was pretending to be fast asleep but the tension of his body told her he was wide awake. Neither of them felt like talking, and she guessed Ravish too was reminiscing about his friend.

Although Ravish had been Pete's best friend, Jaya and he had spent very little time together. Jaya and Pete were in Delhi busy with the hospital while Ravish lived in Bali. He was Pete's school friend. After completing his engineering he had gone on to work for a multinational firm in Bangalore. Then one day he had come to Delhi and told them that he was leaving for Australia. On being questioned about what he was going to do there he had muttered some vague half sentences.

Jaya had liked Ravish. He was friendly and exuberant. But his extremely sunny disposition was like the glare of a headlight on a quiet serene night for the gentle and somewhat serious Jaya. She remembered the time they had spent together in Delhi, the three of them. She had, of course, enjoyed herself thoroughly but the couple of days had seemed like an eternity of frantic activity.  Drinking, eating, dancing and late nights had drained her totally and by the time Ravish left she was thankful for the return of routine and the escape from the constant conversations that Ravish would draw them into. It was as if a storm had come into their lives and now that it was gone the calm that had descended on them was a welcome very quiet silence.

A few months later they had received a call from Ravish. He had shifted to Bali and had become a scuba instructor. That day Pete had a faraway look in his eyes when he explained to a bemused Jaya that Ravish had always been a free spirit and it was inevitable that some day he would make the escape from normal drudgery! Jaya remembered the longing in Pete's eyes and had wondered then if Pete too wanted that kind of life, but Pete had assured her that he was happy with his own life and everything was as it should be. He admired Ravish's guts but that kind of risk taking and living on the edge was not for him.

During the last couple of weeks of Pete's illness Ravish had returned to Delhi. This time it was a much subdued version of him, though in front of Pete he would put on his most dazzling smile and talk about his diving career and all the pretty girls he serenaded in Bali. Alone with Jaya he would let his guard down and slump into a dismal lethargy. His eyes reflected the fear in Jayas'. They were both devastated and priming themselves to face the final loss.

And now here they were on a joint mission to complete Pete's journey and lay him to rest. With no delay after landing in Guwahati they caught a taxi to Shillong. A two hour ride during which Jaya noted that one side of the highway was Assam and the other side Meghalaya…what a perfect division she thought, the highway always keeping the two states apart. Just like life and death would now forcibly keep Pete and her separate.

Their taxi winded its way up the hills and skirted the Umiam Lake better known as Barapani (a huge lake short of Shillong) Jaya was impressed by the vastness of the lake and the soothing tranquillity that seemed to emanate from its depths. She drew in a breath of the cool air and felt instantly calmer.

Upon reaching Shillong they checked into a hotel that Pete had chosen. Pete the ever practical and meticulous had made the reservations for them much in advance and they had been surprised to find two open air tickets to Guwahati and the reservation slip (again open) of this hotel in his hospital bedside drawer. But Pete had forgotten to buy their return tickets to Delhi; Jaya thought it odd.

Her mind and body exhausted with the trauma of the past few weeks and the fatigue of the journey Jaya fell into a deep yet disturbed sleep.

JAYA

I woke up shivering. It was already dark outside and I could see the street lamps were on. After many days finally my headache was gone but the cold was permeating into my very core. I switched on the heater and ordered some tea. Slowly the heat from the heater and the welcome warmth of the tea calmed the shivers. I looked at the welcome basket that the hotel had provided. There were the Black Magic biscuits I loved and then I saw the bar of Lindt chocolate (60% cocoa), there was also a box of my favourite jasmine tea bags! There was a card with the basket which I assumed was from the hotel manager but as I opened it and saw the handwriting my whole body went rigid. It was written by Pete.

My dearest Jaya,

That you are reading these words means I am no longer in your world. I feel your pain and I am sorry that you have to bear it without me. I would have given anything to be with you right now and hold your hand and comfort you through this difficult time.

I want you to know that our life together, maybe short, but it gave me so much of happiness. I would have loved to live a long and happy life with you but since that is not to be, I wish you all the happiness possible. Remember I promised that I would be watching over you and making sure you live your life….well I am.  So don't feel guilty and do enjoy the chocolates and take pleasure in every sip of your jasmine tea. And I can see you wrinkling your nose in that crazy funny way! Jaya, don't waste too much time grieving. It's not worth it. Every moment of life is precious as I learnt in the end, so don't waste it. Do the things that make you happy and don't worry too much about everyone else.

Bounce back soon cause it pains me to see you so heartbroken.

Adieu my darling

Yours till eternity

 Pete

P.S don't judge Ravish too harshly. He is not superficial but he has the tendency to grab life with both hands, which perhaps in your frame of mind, you may consider callous. But you know, he may be just what you need at this time

Just like Pete to think of everything. I held the card close to my heart. Pete had written it. I don't know why but it was such a comfort to find a part of Pete on this cold, sad day. I don't know how long I sat there thinking about my life with Pete. I still had not progressed to that place where I could think of a life without him.

The ringing of the phone broke my reverie.

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RAVISH

It's been a harrowing two weeks. Watching Pete deteriorating has been the one singularly difficult task I have had to face in my life.   I have lived a pretty charmed life. Loving and caring parents, a good education and then giving it all up for scuba diving. I remember with infinite clarity my first dive. It was off the Gold Coast. My perpetual restlessness came to a heart stopping standstill under the water. I was astounded by the silence; the only sound to permeate was that of my breathing and the thumping of my heart. I had never felt so alive as I did there, under the ocean, as I watched the graceful dance of multi coloured fish. One school of fish would swim by to be replaced with another. The only distractions were the coral vying for attention. When I came up I had this urgent need to do it again. And I knew I had found my calling.

Pete was my friend, my confidante and the brother I never had. Losing him has hit me harder than I thought. Right now with his ashes in my room I wish I could talk to him again. See his broad smile as I tell him about my shenanigans in Bali. Watch his eyes turn sombre as he urges me to grow up and give consideration to the practical aspects of life

Pete, though quiet, was so full of life. No restlessness in him, just a quiet calm love for life and his work. And then Jaya. When I first met her I realised how perfectly they complemented each other. Both had a composed tranquillity, nothing seemed to unsettle them. Together they battled on for their patients, and it did not matter whether it was a good day or a particularly bad one, they both accepted whatever came by with consistent rationality.

I had been upset with Pete's decision not to go in for treatment. Had desperately tried talking him into it. Firm on his decision Pete had not given in. Of course thinking about it dispassionately his stand was valid. Chemotherapy would have prolonged his life by some months….that's all. And the months he had would have been painful and traumatic with the side effects of the treatment more excruciating than the disease itself. His way, he lived a normal life and only the last two weeks were spent in a hospital bed, with morphine induced relief.

I still wonder what if the treatment had worked. What if some miracle had taken place and Pete had recovered.  What if…..

The fact is Pete is gone and now his ashes are keeping me company, till tomorrow when we will scatter them over his beloved Smit valley. I have found out that it will take us about an hour to reach there, it's 28 kms away and the road is bad in portions. The cab is booked for 9 tomorrow. I wish there were some more details to look into. But really, there is nothing to do, just sit here.

The room is suffocating me. It's still not too dark outside I think I will go out for a long walk. 

After his invigorating five kilometres walk in the crisp cold of January and a strong cup of black coffee Ravish felt ready to face Jaya. He called her in her room and then went up.

He found her sitting in an oversized armchair in front of the heater a shawl draped around her shoulders. There was another similar chair opposite her and he went and plonked himself in it. He thought she looked calmer and more rested than the last few days. He guessed she had been able to finally catch a nap and give her tired eyes and weary mind a respite.

They talked about the plans for the next morning  then Ravish asked her if she would like to go down to the hotel restaurant for dinner or would she prefer being by herself and order room service. Jaya said she would rather just order a sandwich and eat in her room, so he wished her good night and went off to sit alone in the restaurant over a meal he hardly tasted.

The next morning was extremely chilly. The temperatures at night had gone into the negative and a white frost covered the lawns of the hotel. The sky was a sombre dark as if in sympathy with their mood.  Half way to Laitlum the sun peeped out and soon the frost on the ground vaporised into the atmosphere, as if it had never been there at all. All the way the sun played hide and seek with them, perhaps because they were not acknowledging its happy disposition.

After reaching the town of Smit they turned right for Laitlum. From here the road was bad in patches and they bounced in and out of potholes, Ravish desperately trying to keep the urn stable while Jaya tried to hold onto the top of the seat in front of her. Finally they reached the end of the road.

They got out and walked. Initially they could see nothing, except the pebbled path leading to nowhere. Then suddenly the valley lay before them. The mountains majestically looking down towards the distant river as a vast expanse of land lay far below them. The wind had picked up its crescendo and the chill permeated into their bones, but they were unaware to any discomfort, the savage beauty of the landscape had taken their breath away. They stood at the edge of the mountain looking down at the villages below. The sound of music and merriment drifted up to them; someone was getting married.

Ravish and Jaya held the urn between them and bid Pete adieu with tears streaming down their faces. As they emptied the urn, a wind eddied in and lifted the ashes higher as if Pete was bidding them goodbye, and then slowly the ashes dispersed into the air and spread in different directions to slowly start their descent into the valley. Jaya, smiled through her tears, how like Pete to give them a final gesture of farewell. She looked at Ravish and he too was smiling, the same thought in his mind.

They sat down on the damp grass. The wind was howling around them and drowning out the music from the village but stray faint strains of music escaped the hammer of the wind and drifted up to them. In the distance clouds were gathering again, indicating a menacing black storm in the offing perhaps mirroring the despair that they both felt at their loss.

When they left Laitlum , a sleepy village at the edge of the valley, they were both exhausted emotionally with the turmoil of their feelings.  It had been difficult to come on this journey, and now although there was a sense of relief yet a gloomy despair had descended on them. It was a fait accompli, Pete was finally gone and they had no more errands to run for him. Their loss was now complete.

As the clouds opened up to pour a deluge of rain onto the terrain they decided to stop at a roadside restaurant for lunch and to freshen up. The place was totally unassuming from the exterior but they were surprised by the warm and cheerful dining area that greeted them. The coal fire was lit in the fireplace; a couple of loungers were placed in front of it. They sank into the welcoming chairs basking in the warmth of the friendly fire while their icy bodies slowly thawed. They ordered a bottle of local red wine and some sandwiches. They toasted Pete in their final send off to him and finally were able to smile at each other while clinking their glasses. For a long time they sat there, sipping the wine mesmerised by the hues of the flames as they frolicked merrily to their own whooshing tune.

Upon their return to Shillong, Ravish asked Jaya if she was interested in some sightseeing. Initially she said no, but then the daunting prospect of spending her evening in the room all alone got the better of her and she agreed to go along with Ravish. On the way they also stopped at a travel agency to book their return flight. There were no seats available for the next day so perforce they had to stay one extra day in Shillong. After getting their tickets they left for view point at the peak, a place from where the whole of Shillong was clearly visible. Luckily the rain had held off and they could get a pretty majestic view despite the fog which was slowly enveloping the city in its ghostly arms.

On the way back they chatted with the driver about other places that they could visit the next day. He told them the Bangladesh border was at Dawky, and the river was crystal clear and you could see the bottom of the bed with total clarity. Ravish's interest was immediately piqued. Jaya reluctantly agreed.

The next day they had an early breakfast at the hotel and left on their long journey. It was another cold day but the sun was out and it was comfortable in the car. The country side along the road was mostly dry and in many shades of brown and yellow. The driver told them that in the rains everything metamorphosed into beautiful shades of green. They passed many villages where folks dressed in their best clothes were off to church for Sunday morning mass.

At a view point where many cars had stopped to allow tourists to take in a good view of the valley, Jaya and Ravish realised that they were on the other side of the Smit valley now. A short pain tugged at their hearts as the realisation dawned that they had scattered Pete's ashes in this same valley.  It was then that a Himalayan Griffon swooped down from a great height, alighted near them and then went on to fly in abandonment into the valley.

By the time they reached the Bangladesh border they had descended down to the planes. The air was heavy with moisture and the sun beat down relentlessly. All the jackets and sweaters were off. The border crossing was nothing to write home about but once they went down to the Umgot River the story was totally different.

The Bangladesh side (nothing really separated the two countries except two huge rocks) was dotted with many multi coloured garden umbrellas under which stood carts selling a kind of berry. The little berries had been coated with tamarind paste and sprinkled with coriander leaves and rock salt. Initially Jaya did not want to taste them but then once she had some she was forced to buy more. They were extremely delicious and tasted like nothing she had eaten before.

The boatmen on the Indian side coaxed them on going for a ride. The water was absolutely calm and crystal clear. As the narrow boat glided on the waters, Jaya found herself relaxing and enjoying the ride. The serenity of the water and the thick jungles on the surrounding hills were therapeutic. Their boat ride lasted an hour and by the end of it both Ravish and Jaya were lulled into a soothing tranquillity.

The crystal clear water was like an invitation to Ravish to jump in but alas he had not brought a change of clothes with him. He promised himself he would come back some day, under happier circumstances and enjoy the waters of this beautiful river.

The next stop according to the driver was to be the Living Root Bridge. The road ran along a stream and pristine forests dotted with little villages. There were huge wooden vats which the driver explained were used for soaking beetle nuts which grew in abundance in this area. It took about six months for the hard nut to soften, and then it was cut into small pieces and sold in the market. The Living Root Bridge was another fascinating phenomenon to behold. The roots of two huge trees had fused to create a magnificent bridge across a stream. The trees were green and vibrant and their thick gnarly roots had managed to meet each other and were entwined to create a strong solid bridge. An astonishing feat of nature indeed.

Someone had built a huge tree house in the vicinity using bamboo and as they climbed up gingerly; up and up, the view that unfolded below them was breathtaking. Thick jungles surrounded them with the tops of huge trees below them. If there was ever a place where you felt on top of the world this indeed was one of them. Jaya caught herself humming the lyrics of 'I am on top of the world looking down on creation' under her breath. Amidst all this glory that God had created she felt overwhelmed with wonderment and in comparison, the pain and sorrow in her heart was just like a small prick of a thorn.

On the way back they stopped at the cleanest village in Asia. The village of Mallynnong was like no other place they had seen in India. It was beautiful with neat houses that were fronted with lovely gardens. The streets in the village boasted of solar lights. Everything was absolutely spic and span. An abundance of dustbins dotted the village and no garbage was in sight. An old church invited them into its serene bosom and they sat there and offered a prayer for their departed friend. Outside the church a lady was selling beautiful wooden wares and Jaya was drawn to the polished wooden eggs. She bought a few and wondered if she would ever do anything with them, but she found them extremely appealing and just could not resist.

After a quick lunch of rice and chicken curry it was time to head back. During the long journey Jaya dozed off in the car as the evening gave way to darkness. Ravish watched her as she drifted into a serene sleep. He was fascinated at how well she was coping but then, of course, he guessed, the ever practical Jaya was just making the best of a bad situation.

Jaya came from a no nonsense family. Her father was a retired army officer and her mother a craft teacher. Jaya's childhood had been spent in various small cantonments dotted across the country. Many of those years with just her mother for support while their father served at the various border posts in Kashmir. At an early age she had learnt to fend for herself. Her mother's practical approach to life had rubbed off on her and she had imbibed these essential traits. Many a times, though her father was in danger, her mother had never allowed her own fears to impinge upon Jaya's life. So Jaya had learnt to similarly keep her own emotions to herself and not share them.

An only child, Jaya had kept herself immersed in books, they were her constant companions. Many a times she would sit with her mother and help her with some craft projects for school. Her mother would draw the cartoon characters she needed for her first standard class and Jaya would colour them and cut them out for her. She was happy with her books and her craft and the few friends she made along the way.

Of course whenever her father had come home the whole atmosphere was transformed. Without him mother and daughter would go about their day to day living sans frills, but once he was home there were parties, outings and movies to be seen. He would often take them to the theatre or to art galleries. Yet soon enough he would don his uniform again and be off to serve the nation.

It had been a surprise to her parents when she had declared her intention to go for medicine but they had wholeheartedly supported her. When she easily topped her class they accepted that she had found her calling and basked in the glory of all her achievements. The only bone of contention had been the fact that she was past thirty and still no sign of her settling down into matrimony. When Pete had entered Jaya's life they were relieved. The natural course of progression would have been to eventually tie the knot, unfortunately that was not to be and they were devastated.

The next day Jaya and Ravish caught the flight back to Delhi and as on the way to Guwahati, on this return journey too, both were silent and each engrossed in their private thoughts.

Jaya reached the hospital early. She had been dreading going back, for she knew she would miss Pete terribly in these familiar surroundings. But on the flip side she was looking forward to immersing herself back into her work. She hoped the considerable demands of her profession would somewhat numb her pain.

Her first day back was full of appointments with patients who needed follow ups. In the afternoon when she went on her rounds she found the bed of one particular little girl empty and asked the nurse about her. She paled when she heard the girl had passed on. It was so unexpected, the girl had been responding so well to the treatment. Medicine could do its bit but God always seemed to have some mischief up his sleeve. It seemed, while her kidney functions had been normalising, she had contracted meningitis at the hospital and her deterioration had been rapid. As Jaya went into her office after her rounds she found her eyes tearing up. This was another jolt and today she had not been ready for it. With Pete at her side she had been able to deal with the losses. In fact she was not normally emotional about her patients, she had learnt to compartmentalise and keep her emotions at bay.

By the time her she had dealt with everything for the day it was nearly seven in the evening. She felt bruised and raw. She was tremendously tired and felt extremely drained emotionally. Her need to put her head on Pete's shoulder to draw succour was overwhelming. Her head throbbed and her heart felt ready to burst with an excruciating ache that threatened to destroy her.

As she stepped out of the hospital she found Ravish standing there. She did not know how to react, she was confused. She was in no mood for conversation, and yet she felt the need for some support. One look at her and Ravish knew that the day had been worse for her than he had imagined. Without a word he led her to his car and drove off. He got her home, and told her to go and change while he put the kettle on.

After a wash and a change of clothes Jaya felt a little better. When she came back to the living room a hot cup of tea and a pizza were waiting for her. Suddenly she felt nauseous and realised she had forgotten to eat. Just a banana for breakfast had sustained her through the day.  While sipping her tea and wolfing down a slice of pizza she started to feel better.

An urgent need to share led her to tell Ravish about the little girl and the shock she got when she found she had died. Then unbidden a surge of tears poured down her face. Ravish held her while she sobbed and her body was racked with spasms. He gently stroked her hair to calm her down until finally the deluge stopped and she was in control again. A little embarrassed and yet thankful for the support Jaya pulled herself away.

The next day was a lot easier and thank God there were no rude shocks. Ravish was again there at the end of the day and this time he insisted that he yearned for some good Chinese fare and bullied Jaya into accompanying him to his favourite restaurant. They talked about various things. Ravish could not understand why Jaya wanted to live in Delhi and lead such a stressful life, but he understood all the good she was doing. He worried that she would be alone when he left. Jaya was touched by his concern but she assured him she had family and friends to fall back on and would contact them if she needed succour.

Ravish told her about the easy going life he was leading in Bali. Every morning he took students scuba diving. He had become a much sought after instructor. He loved his work and it was very relaxing although of course he had to be alert while in the water to ensure the safety of his students. He had met many youngsters who came year after year for the dives. He was also building a local fishing boat with the help of one of the local boat builders and it was a time consuming but extremely satisfying project. Sheepishly he suggested that when it was ready perhaps Jaya would make a trip to Bali to go out on the sea with him. Jaya of course dismissed the invitation; she had no time to get away from her work.

The next day Ravish went back to Bali. Jaya settled in to her life at the hospital. She had learnt to accept the fact that there would be moments when she would miss Pete immensely and the pain would seem unbearable, but it would inevitably pass. One day at a time, she told herself. Just one day at a time.