Chapter FOUR

"Why do you still like Dan? You're not even trying to move on. There's so many other guys that like you".

That's the same statement all my friends use on me.

I've stopped talking to them about the matter because they either didn't understand the issue or they were being hypocritical. They made me feel delusional or stupid for wanting my ex back but most of them were trying to get back with their exes behind closed doors.

I'm trying my possible best to move on from Dan. How don't they see that? I've tried about five guys in the space of this breakup. It was always one problem or the other.

The first guy I tried was Hawkins. I found him really attractive and he was really nice to me but I wasn't sure if he liked me back. After trying to endlessly figure out how he felt about me for months and it was still aimless, one of my friends advised me to tell him how I felt. I was reluctant because... I was too proud for that.

My friend convinced me saying "you either go for what you want or you stay here hoping it reaches you and it might never happen".

"But what if he turns me down?".

"Then you move on, it's not the end of the world and you turn down so many guys, I don't think one returning your energy should be such a big deal", my friend teased with a smile.

"Better to tell them no than lie to them", I said, scoffing."I'll think about opening up to Hawkins".

It took me days before I decided to come out to Hawkins. He said he hadn't gotten over his last relationship and wasn't ready to date anyone yet. I knew that wasn't true. He was still stuck on his last relationship, true, but that excuse was a fallacy, I knew because I had used it many times to turn down people that I didn't like. He was playing my card on me. How smart. That wasn't even a biggie, he wasn't obligated to like me so I wasn't even upset. But Hawkins never talked to me again after that. I was hoping we would keep our friendship ablaze but the feeling was one-sided because he stopped texting first or replying to my texts. My friend said he was good riddance but that didn't stop me from wishing I never opened up to him. I shoved my L in my pocket and I moved on.

After some months, one guy approached me saying we were taking a course together. The class was a really big class and hundreds of people were taking the course so ain't no way I knew everyone. I was surprised he knew me. "It's such a big class, how did you manage to notice me? You noticed me to the point of knowing my name, how?", I was so shocked. I thought I was lowkey and only those I knew, knew me but this stranger was standing in front of me and calling my name.

"I always sit at the back, you come later than me so you pass beside me most times. You're also friends with some of my friends so they helped me know your name".

I was impressed. He was really accurate.

"You must have observed me for long", I commended.

"I'm not even gonna lie", he nodded. "I'm Zayn by the way", he stretched out his hand for a shake.

"You're a muslim?", I received the handshake.

"Yes, any problem?", he inquired.

"I'm a muslim too. My name is actually Hannan but people always called me Hannah and assumed I was a Christian so I started opting for Annie. They still assume I'm a Christian but I'm not called a wrong name anymore. It's not many muslims around here though".

"Woah. I didn't know that. You don't cover your hair or go to mosque?".

"I do, on Fridays only though. I dress islamic and go to mosque for Jumu'ah on Friday afternoon. Every other day, I look neutral like you. Do you go to mosque on Fridays too?".

"Errrr. Sometimes. Let me get your number". We exchanged numbers and departed. He was a good-looking guy.

Zayn never came to mosque on Fridays. It was after I got to know him that I understood why I never knew him in class. He wasn't frequent in classes. He either skipped class or he came towards the end of a class. But we kept in touch through calls and texts. I started noticing that Zayn was not my type of person, not even a friend I would want to keep close. He wanted to be friends with everyone and would rather satisfy societal norms than make himself comfortable. He didn't even have courtesy, we could be walking together and he would just ditch me for someone else. He never kept to his word, "talk and null" like I always called him because he always talked but never did shit. He was a good dresser though, he'd rather be late to class or skip class than come improperly dressed. I successfully brought him to mosque one Friday. After the prayer, we were walking back. Then he asked why my scarf was still on my head.

"I'm always like this on Fridays, everyone knows".

"But the prayer service is over", he persisted.

"It is still Friday", I defended.

He made an attempt to unwrap it off my neck.

"Stop. I'm not complaining".

"I don't understand why you are being stubborn though".

He was so ridiculous. For the rest of that walk, I was silent. Dan is a Christian but he always anticipated my Friday wears. He even complimented my Friday looks and he adjusted my scarf for me if it was loosening. I also encouraged him to go for church services and like that, we were able to guard religion from being a barrier in our relationship. But here I was, with a man of the same religion making me feel unwanted because of our religion. It was terrible because I don't even practise this religion diligently but he was still shaming me for the little I was doing. I had been really happy I met him because I thought I met someone to discuss my faith with. We got to our departing route, I hugged him and left. That day I decided Zayn and I weren't a good match and I constantly avoided him since that day.

Mike was my senior in primary school. We never talked but he was the most attractive boy in school then. We had found a way to rekindle recently. The friendship was going on really well. I don't know what made Mike think I was extremely rich and stupid. He found ways to start asking me for money frequently. Initially, I didn't take it seriously because I'm very generous so I just felt it was friends being friends but he increasingly charged me at every chance he got. It started dawning on me that he was using me as a financial aid. This was someone I never asked for anything. I didn't even have the courage to tell him off, that's how softhearted I am. I just stopped replying his texts and started ignoring his calls.

Then I met Nate. And then, Rico.

All these guys drained me. My friends still thought I was not trying. Being attractive really isn't always a blessing. What was the point of being attractive when I couldn't attract the ones that attract me? Everyone always says "Annie is literally a whole blessing, no man would turn on her". It appeared like that but if only people knew how it really was for me.

I decided, after Rico, that it might be more advisable to just stay stuck on Dan from afar. It's not the best idea but Dan is still my best option. I was tired of trying out a new guy every three months and it was always futile. I don't catch feelings easily and I'm not even built for temporary stuff. What about fate? If Dan isn't the one for me, why is he also still single? If Dan isn't the one for me, why don't all the people I like, like me back? If Dan isn't the one for me, it's not even a problem but I'm not trying out anybody again. Let whoever it is, come and locate me by himself. I've consciously been on the lookout for attractive boys. Let attractive boys too start being on the lookout for me. And if it means I have to continue liking Dan until the next big thing comes, I'll do that gladly. It feels better knowing I like one person and he's not taking me than having to jump from one guy to another every third month, it feels much better. And no, it's not me at all. I'm not perfect but I don't have a severe problem. I'm not religious but I believe firmly in God. If all these guys didn't want me, I better see it as a big sign and stop. Else, I might get even more hurt intensifying on an abortive journey.

I don't even know why Dan broke up. He didn't have a concrete reason. I lost count of how many times I asked him why he ended us. For a very long time, he didn't give me an answer.

The first time he eventually answered me, he said he was just not in the mood for a relationship. I should have known that was a lie but I foolishly believed before I found out about his crush. Everytime I see this quote that says "when someone tells you they're not ready for a relationship, 'with you' is silent", I couldn't agree more.

The second time, he said it was because I liked pinning our issues on his head. That's not true, he caused most of our issues with his stubbornness but there was no point arguing that.

Another time that I asked him, he said "we were really young, Annie. We had a lot of life ahead of us and a relationship wouldn't have been the best in that context". I found that reasonably valid and it sounded to me like "if it's real, we'll find ourselves again".

I feel like the reason Dan broke up was because he was a very good boy. Even though he's a guy every girl would want, he was shy and reserved. Not many girls could see through his shyness so he never really related with girls. I, on the other hand, am like the wildest ever. I wasn't shy a bit and I explored my teenage years. I had a couple boyfriends even before Dan. I was Dan's first girlfriend. Although, Dan is the first man I stripped naked in front of, my first romp wasn't with him. His first romp was with me. I was the first girl he got naked with. I explored situationships to my desire before I decided to settle with Dan but Dan had never even been in a situationship before. He hadn't explored his wild side. Our relationship kept on getting stronger and healthier and if it continued like that, we really might never have broken up. Maybe Dan decided to explore his wild side before settling for a serious relationship too, maybe. I'm not sure that's the reason but if it is, I couldn't blame him.It would beselfish of me to kick against playing his "fine boy" card becauseif I was in his shoes, I would do the same.

I didn't ever catch him with any girl asides the one I heard about that he liked but I suppose he's been getting some. He always feels obligated to hide his new girls from me. I wonder why because if we're not together, he doesn't owe me any loyalty so why does he have to hide his girls?

Even though the breakup hurt me, it was still better than imagining him staying in the relationship to cheat on me.

When I was dating Dan, he dreamt about us frequently. I never really got details about the dreams but he just always said "I dream about you and us most times, babe. I don't tell you daily because it's a frequent occurrence but just know I'm happy that I see your face in my sleep".

Upon all my exploration, I never had anyone dream about me and even though I had dreamt about a lot of people, Dan wasn't one of them. He sometimes asked "so you don't dream about me at all? Not even once?".

"I'm so sorry, I rarely dream. I really wish I could reciprocate your energy".

"Nah, it's alright. I'm sure when the time is right, you will". He always embraced me. He never allowed me feel bad for anything.

I really never dreamt about Dan throughout the relationship. I don't think he stopped dreaming about me. After the breakup, I dreamt about Dan thrice. My dreams are always ridiculous and with no concept but these ones were different. In all the dreams, Dan came back to get with me. The three dreams happened in the same month and they had the same concept. I couldn't even tell my friends because they either won't believe me or won't buy the idea. I didn't even tell Dan. The dreams happened like six months after our breakup and they never happened again. I just took the dreams as a relief sign from God.