Chapter 3: I want to go home

I started following him as if compelled by an unknown force.

“She’s inside, the doctor said that we can see her.” He told me when we reached an elevator. He punched the elevator’s button, putting in some numbers, but my mind was too occupied with how Jackie is faring to care about mere numbers.

We walked into the elevator and waited for the next few seconds to get to whatever floor we were to go to. These few seconds were the most excruciating time in my life that I had to wait in uncertainty for something.

He walked me into Jackie’s room where tons of equipment were connected to her. I checked her temperature as a good mother would, she was warm I noted. Her skin was so pale it contrasted with the hospital gown she was wearing. Had I not been her mother I wasn’t sure if I could have recognized my daughter.

I barely could keep my tears within. I terribly started hiccupping since I was trying my possible best to not shed a tear. Unfortunately for me, a tear unknowingly slipped and slide down my right cheek and landed on Jackie’s closed eyes.

I gently wiped it off of her face. I watch Jackie stir in her sleep due to my disturbance and I knew for sure that she was going to be awake soon. I turned to appreciate the security guard for his help, and I noticed he was already staring at me…or maybe through me?

“Mommy.” I heard the faint and barely audible whisper of Jackie. I turned to see she was awake as I predicted, but she looked dead. If not for the fact that she just called me, I’d have said she died with her eyes open. I reject it though; my daughter isn’t dying any time soon. She looked so lean, pale, and malnourished.

How had it gotten to this stage?

How had I been so careless to not have noticed this?

I was with her all these while yet I didn’t notice the pale skin, the bulging eyes.

I burst into tears seeing the way my Jackie looked because of my carelessness as a mother.

You’ve failed her as a mother, you don’t deserve to be called mommy by her.

I was the cause of all this mess!

If only I had allowed Jackie to move in with Val as they both connived to lure me into some time back.

If only I hadn’t been selfish and wanted to see Jackie every single day; maybe she would have been much healthier.

Put yourself together!

I focused all the self-hate, anger, and pain on Kirsten and Dylan. They both were the major cause of this. They both knew the financial situation of the house yet they won’t accept to eat baby-taste food for the sake of Jackie.

I spent money on recharging my then–now Kirsten’s–smartphone just to watch tutorials on how to make baby-taste food that is edible for adults but no, they both rejected the food and guilt told me how I shouldn’t punish them with ‘sour food’ all because of a baby.

It should eat what we eat, after all, it’s a baby that will one day grow into an adult like us, I’m sure it would understand. The infuriating voice of Kirsten rang in my head.

It hurts to remember that Kirsten once called my daughter ‘it’ like she’s some doll or dog. It wasn’t as if Kirsten didn’t know the sex of the child, no? she wants to indicate that she wants her out of this world.

What if what Val had told me back then was true and hot spices were harmful to the body especially babies, what would happen to Jackie?

Breathe Barb, breathe, you need it.

“Mommy!” I hear Jackie’s voice laced with panic as she calls out to me, dragging one of my hands.

“Yes baby,” I finally answered her in the sweetest motherly voice I could muster. I don’t want her to freak out in her condition.

“I want to go home.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. The eyes I couldn’t resist.

Which stinky home?! My mind screamed. I felt like shouting, just taking out my anger and frustration on someone, on something, on anything. I wanted to yell about the messed-up home she came from and how that’s not to be considered home but I kept it all in. I knew better than to let it all out.

It’s useless taking out my fits of anger and frustrations on Jackie, she couldn’t have known what was in stock for her the day the sperm part of her raced to reach the ovary part of her for fertilization.

Moreover, I would just frighten her if I take my anger out on her and that’s not what I want.

Apart from frightening her, her love for Dylan and Kirsten is so strong that I would automatically turn the villain if I talk direct bad at them.

She sees them both as her parents, well, Kirsten Is her biological mother, and Dylan is her uncle but she isn’t aware. In all this, it seems blood is thicker than water in this scenario, right?

“Okay.” I simply answer after all the mental struggle in my head thinking about the pros and cons of giving her an answer with the wrong choice of words. “I’ll go speak with the doctor.”

“Excuse me.” I turned to look at the security guard as I excused myself from the room.

I stood outside stranded. I didn’t know my way around the hospital. I finally saw someone with a light demeanor and approached her. With the way she was running around and her outfit, I confirmed her to be a staff in the hospital so I didn’t waste any more time before asking her about the direction doctor’s office. She looked young, probably 22 to 23, similar age to me. It made me wonder what I would have been had I gone through high school and went to college; we will never know now.

I smiled bitterly as I thanked the young lady and went in the direction, she gave me. On reaching there, I knocked and waited till I was permitted to "come in" before opening the door.

“Hello, sir.” I greeted him once I was inside the office.

“Good morning, Madame.” He welcomed with a rich accented voice. I tried to focus on my purpose of coming here rather than figuring out the accent with which he talked.

“Are you the doctor in charge of one Miss Jayceline Darren?” I questioned like a detective.

“Pardon?” the doctor asked while pulling his medicated eye lens down to make it rest on the bridge of his nose. Shoot! I forgot to inquire from the security guard about the name with which Jackie was registered. No problem, I’ll just go ahead and describe Jackie to him.

He seems to recognize Jackie as a look of familiarity flashes through his eyes. I asked about her discharge and he seem to hesitate before answering me.

“She can be discharged if only you’ll follow all the instructions I’ll give to you.”

“What are the instructions doctor?” I questioned without thinking what the instruction may be. The doctor started talking and listing out a variety of things I’d need to do. He suddenly stopped as his eyes ran over a file–Jackie’s I presume–and asked of her parents, especially her father.

I paused did he know that I am not the real mother of Jackie? No, that can’t be.

“I’m her mother sir; please tell me what’s wrong.” I pleaded.

“It’s not that easy.” The doctor said professionally.

“Why? But I’m her mother.” I yelled not giving a damn this time. Jackie doesn’t need that blimey father of hers, I am enough for her, no I should be enough for her. Heck! We don’t even know who the son of the monkey that’s supposed to be her father is.

The door of the doctor’s office opened with a thud–the wooden frame hit the wall–just at the right time before the doctor uttered a word.

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Who just opened the doctor's office with a thud?