19. Chapter 19

After getting back from dropping Loan off, the first thing Lincoln had did was fall on the couch and pass out. That little journey that had only taken an hour had made him feel like he'd gone three days without sleep. It was late in the evening by the time he woke up. There was left over food in the kitchen, so he figured Lyra must've made dinner at some point. Lemy and her were already asleep, earlier than usual too.

She'd been silent on the car ride back after their conversation, but he'd seen her glancing at him in the rear-view mirror. Was she upset at him? He really hoped not. He hadn't expected her to be upset over it; he didn't think she missed her grandparents. He'd honestly hoped she'd ignored them like she did her father.

Then again, she could remember her grandparents. She didn't remember her father. Might've even been his fault, since he showed her those pictures. And now everything unraveled because Loan insisted Lyra come with them.

But that was no one's fault. He should count himself as goddamn lucky to have had a chance like that, even if he might never again. Even if Loan was really only his niece. Maybe, just maybe, it could lead to him getting back in contact with Lori. He could hope.

Even though he was still emotionally drained, he forced himself to stay up. He should get some work done. It'd be the school year again soon and the girls would need a lot of stuff. This year, he hoped he could pay for all of it. So, after a quick meal of leftovers, he put himself at his desk, turning on only a lamp to work with.

It was past nine. Was that too late to call Lucy? They'd been talking about having Lupa visit, plans he had to cut short when Loan unexpectedly dropped in on him. Eh, he'd hold off. Lucy might pick up how tired he was and ask questions. Tomorrow then.

He'd picked up an ability to snap himself into a work focus. No matter what was on his mind, he could always make only the art in front of him matter for long enough to get it done. And get work done, he did. A few sketches for now he'd touch up later. Since he had the apartment to himself, he even worked on a few NSFW commissions.

Yes, he did those. The money was too good to ignore. Taking Lacy, Lyra, and Lemy to Gus' had been paid with by those kinds of commissions. You had to do what you had to do. He worked for a few hours.

Even if this was the most urban part of Royal Woods, it was still silent in the middle of the night. It made concentrating easier. But it also made it easier to pick up any other noises. Lincoln stopped when he heard someone in the apartment hallway outside. Must have been someone coming home late. He didn't think much of it.

But he did think about it when the footsteps stopped at their loudest, and therefore closest, position. Feeling unease creep into his stomach, Lincoln glanced over his shoulder and jumped when he saw a shadow underneath his door. Someone was standing there.

Lincoln's heart hammered in his chest. Someone who had the wrong apartment? A burglar? Someone looking for him? Should he call the police? Should he go lock himself in with Lyra and Lemy? Whoever they were, they were still just standing there. Breathing quickly, Lincoln quietly crept up to the door and peeked outside through the door viewer.

It was a woman, tall, blond, and wearing glasses and an expensive looking jacket, standing in front of his door, hand rummaging through a large purse she was carrying. Something about her was familiar… Lincoln felt like his heart stopped.

"Lori?" He whispered under his breath and quickly pulled the door open. The movement frightened whoever it was and while they couldn't find what they were looking for, they did quickly find a gun that was in the purse. Lincoln froze, eyes wide. After a tense few seconds, the woman lowered it.

"Lincoln?" She asked. Her voice was nearly the same after all these years.

"…Lori?" Was it her? Was she really here? Was he really seeing his oldest sister for the first time in years and it wasn't a dream? "What are you doing here?" He asked while she put the gun back.

"I didn't expect you to be awake." She didn't look at him. "I just came to slip a letter under your door." She pulled an envelope out from the purse.

"I was up working," Lincoln said, thinking quickly. "Uh, you can come in." He offered, stepping back and holding the door open. Lori seemed to consider the offer before accepting. She flipped the light switch on as she did, looking around the small apartment. "Since when do you have a gun?" He asked.

"Since I took an executive defense course." She still wasn't looking at him.

"So…what was in the letter?" He asked. "You can just tell me now."

"What? Oh." She looked at the envelope still in her hand. "I just wanted to say thanks for looking after Loan." And she intended to do that through a letter? Not calling him?

"Oh, it's fine. I didn't mind at all." He chose his next words carefully. "You and Bobby have a very nice daughter." That was the first time she looked directly at him. He couldn't see anything in her eyes and it made him uncomfortable. "We all had fun."

"Don't lie to me Lincoln. I bet she never left your couch except to use the bathroom." He was caught.

"Not completely." He muttered, embarrassed. "She's a smart girl."

"Yeah, but she's lazy." Even though he should've been thinking only about Lori being here, for some reason his thoughts drifted to the fact he was a conduit for mother and daughter to complain about the other. "I'm still waiting for the day she gets off her ass."

Lincoln felt like saying some to defend Loan, but wondered if it'd make Lori angry if he did.

"Do you want me to take your jacket?" He asked. It was an absurd change of topic.

"No." Lori shook her head and tore up the envelope before dropping the two halves back in her purse. "I'm not staying. In fact, I think I'll go home now. I just wanted to say thanks." She moved around him and made a quick stride for the door.

"Lori, wait!" Lincoln held up a hand to stop her. Goddamnit, this was the first time he'd seen her in years. He had to say what he wanted to. He just had to. "Can I say just one thing? Please!" She stopped with her hand on the doorknob and looked back at him, impatience on her face. He had his chance.

Even though he had it, he struggled to actually take it. He'd run these words in his head hundreds, maybe even thousands, of times. But saying them took a completely different strength. He had to swallow hard twice.

"I'm sorry." He choked out. "About what happened at home. It was wrong, and I should've…apologized to you then. It never should've happened and…I wish I could take it back."

The truth was, Lori had never been part of the arrangement he'd had with the rest of his older sisters. She'd been just the opposite, actually.

He remembered that evening she'd found out. Leni was already a few months along at that point. Mom and Dad were out, Lori was in charge, and everyone but him, Luna, and Leni were downstairs. Lori had come upstairs to find them and found them doing things they shouldn't have been doing.

The first thing she'd done had been to pick up Lincoln and run him to her room before grabbing a golf club and going back out to confront her younger sisters. He still had no idea what she'd intended to do that night. Kill them? Hand them over to the cops? Whatever it was, she clearly thought those two were in the wrong.

What ended up happening was Lincoln running back out and the three of them trying to defend what they were doing to Lori. Trying to make her understand what they were doing was entirely willingly and alright. But she wasn't convinced. Lori stayed adamant in protecting her brother and trying to keep him behind her the entire time.

The best thing that had happened that night was that no one came upstairs to use the bathroom during that fight.

Somehow, things didn't fall apart that night. For whatever reason, when Mom and Dad came back after the fight had been dragging on for half an hour, Lori did not immediately run to them, allowing the three of them to make themselves look as innocent as possible.

But Lori stayed on their case for weeks after that, driven by a new belief that all three of them were just very confused and needed their eyes opened. She'd confronted all of them alone to reason with them, trying to get them to recant even when they stonewalled her. She did everything she could to keep them separated without actually getting any of them into trouble.

It was clear now she'd only been trying to protect them from bad decisions.

Something about Liena being born and Luna getting pregnant broke her. Seeing how happy he was with Leni and how unperturbed all of them were about the whole thing. She stopped trying to reason with them. They'd broken her.

It happened only once. One time. She never said why. Maybe she was trying to put herself in their shoes and understand. If that was it, she failed. One time. Lincoln regretted letting it happen. He'd kind of been hoping it'd spark some sort of understanding, even if he'd already felt guilty at the time.

Just another dumb belief. They'd been full of them at the time.

That one time finally burned the bridge. She stopped speaking to them all together after that, and Luna responded in kind, while Leni was totally occupied with Liena. Lincoln wanted to say something, but something had broken in him too. He had no idea what words could convey the regret he had and what he really wanted. While Luan came into the fold while Lori was still at the house, she never outright acknowledged it or acted surprised when Luan started to avoid her too. She figured them all lost causes not worth the breath.

He'd gotten rid of his older sister, one that deeply cared for him, just to maintain a closer sibling relationship with his other sisters. He'd never wanted a tradeoff like that.

Maybe sorry wasn't going to be enough. But he had to say it. And now he finally had.

Lincoln looked pleadingly at Lori for a response. She looked back towards the front door, sighed, and took her hand off the knob. She stood there for a few seconds before finally turning around, looking completely unphased.

"It's fine, Lincoln." She shrugged. "It was in the past. Nothing bad happened from it."

Nothing bad. He wished he could believe that as firmly as she did. She'd been on birth control and was pretty active with Bobby. That she got pregnant around the same time must've been just a fluke. It was only one time, so it couldn't have been. One time hadn't been enough for any of the others. The timing was just pure, agonizing coincidence, one he hadn't been able to dismiss in his mind.

"You guys have your life and are happy with it. I have mine and I'm happy with it. No one's meddling in mine, and I shouldn't have meddled in yours."

"None of us wanted to hurt you." Lincoln insisted, voice heavy. "We didn't want to drive you off. I-I really missed you." Something new appeared in Lori's expression: pity. To Lincoln's amazement, she stepped forward with her arms open.

"Come here, Lincoln." She pulled him into a hug, and he immediately returned it with all his strength like he was afraid it'd turn out to be a dream if he didn't. There were a lot of things you never, ever grew out of no matter how old you got. Seeking comfort in his older sisters was something Lincoln would never grow out of.

He didn't want to let go, but the hug ended. And when it did, Lori shrugged off her jacket and handed it to him.

"Come on, little bro. Let's talk."

The two adults moved to the kitchen table with drinks, something much more relaxing. It was just after one in the morning by then, but Lori had assured her brother she didn't need to be anywhere for a few days. The first minute was quiet as each drank.

"So, I realized you covered for me about where I was to Ronnie Anne. Thanks." Lincoln wanted to start on something different.

"I didn't do it for you." The harshness in Lori's voice surprised him, considering the tender moment they'd just had. "I only did that for Ronnie Anne. She liked you, Lincoln." He lowered his head in shame. "Where did you go, anyway?" She asked him.

"You don't know?" Lincoln looked back up. "Did Luna ever tell you?" She'd given Lori his number, so he'd assumed they talked about him at some point. But his eldest sister shook her head.

"No. Mom and Dad didn't either." Lincoln winced.

"What…did they say about me?"

"They only said you left." She told him. "They called me for weeks to ask if I'd seen you. They've never said why you left. But I went to visit and found out about Lucy, and I had an idea." Lincoln couldn't stare down her accusing gaze, and bowed his head. "It was you, wasn't it?" She demanded an answer.

"Yes…" Lincoln breathed under his breath.

SLAP

Lori's slap knocked his head right back up and him nearly out of his chair. He had to grab onto the table to keep from tumbling over. His head spun and his face burned. "You're disgusting." Lori sneered.

"Yeah, I know I am." Lincoln accepted the beratement, but that wasn't enough for Lori.

"I never thought you were a bad person Lincoln, just confused. But that changed my mind." Lincoln felt emotion rising in his chest. "The others were older than you, but Lucy-"

"YOU WERE RIGHT, OKAY?!" He jumped up and slammed his palms on the table, startling his sister. His emotion ebbed, he collapsed back in his chair. "You were right." He repeated in a quieter tone. "We were idiots. Our justification for it was wrong. We did end up messing up our lives, just like you said." He sighed. "Maybe you're right about all of us being monsters too. I should've listened to you. We all should've listened to you." He let his head fall onto the table, drained by the release of years of self-doubts and revelations. Things he'd never had the bravery to admit to anyone.

"So do you finally regret it?" Lori asked quietly. Lincoln forced himself to sit back up.

"I can't say that, Lori." He shook his head, and he could see her expression dip into disappointed sadness. "Loan told you that Lyra and Lemy are here. They're in that bedroom right down the hall." He pointed. "And they're great kids. All of them are. Lacy, Liby, Lupa, Liena-all of them are amazing."

Did Lori nod her head just the slightest at that?

"I can't even tell you how bad I feel for everything that happened. I ruined Lucy's life. She won't tell me, but I know it couldn't have been easy for her. Living with mom and dad and going to school." That was why he'd gone to her for a whole year before he even got back in contact with Lynn, Luan, and Leni. "Her sisters hate her because they think it's her fault mom and dad found out and everything got ruined."

"How did it happen?" Lori interrupted him.

"Mom and dad?" Lincoln wanted clarity.

"Yeah. But before that, you and Lucy. Talk." His big sister commanded. Lincoln flinched and pled his case.

"Well…she came to me right after Lynn moved out. She knew what we'd been doing. All of us, actually. She wanted to try." Lori was sneering at him again. "I turned her down at first. Look, we all agreed Lynn would be the end of it. She asked for it to be the end. The others asked for it to be the end. I agreed it was going to be the end. We'd already started to realize it didn't work."

"And let me guess." Lori cut in, resting the side of her head on her palm. "She looked sad, kept asking, and you eventually gave in, right?" His silence confirmed it. "You know what? You get no sympathy from me for that. You should've known better."

"Yeah, I should have." He didn't disagree. Thinking back to that time was weird. He could remember thinking everything was fine, but not why he thought it was fine. Maybe he'd left that reasoning like so many other things when he ran out of that house with little more than the clothes on his back. "Anyway, Lucy and me were talking in my room one night. We didn't know mom was listening outside the door. I'm not sure why she was listening, but she overheard us talking about the baby."

"She didn't catch you with your pants down. Shocking." Lori commented sarcastically.

"That wasn't all we did." Lincoln said, exasperated.

"Yeah, sure. So what happened next?"

"They called Lucy and me downstairs and put us in separate rooms and," Lincoln had to compose himself before he could get to the next part, the memories were that traumatizing. "and started asking questions." He sighed. "Everything just fell apart then. Neither of us could lie to them. They were upset and yelling. And then they started talking about calling the police and I just-I just panicked and ran out of the house."

Lori didn't have any snide remarks for him.

"I went to Lynn, but they already called her and she was freaking out. They started calling Luna and Luan too. I guess they suddenly realized the truth. All of us were scared. We thought we were going to jail. They were worried their kids would get taken away. It was the worst night of our lives."

"Luan and Lynn still live here. Their phones numbers still have the same area code. They didn't leave."

"They couldn't afford it and they refused when I brought it up." Lincoln explained. "Lynn and Luan didn't want to do that to their daughters, and Luna was pregnant-"

"How did that happen?" Lori interjected.

"Luna was starting to feel bummed out about staying in town while all her friends were gone. So I went over to cheer her up one day and…you know." He offered uncomfortably. Lori rolled her eyes and waved him to get back to the first story. "But I guess Lynn seemed off to them over the phone, so they showed up at her apartment, and I ran again."

"So you got scared mom and dad were going to get you and left Royal Woods? You ran out on them?" Lori accused.

"Lynn, Luan, and Luna all told me to run. They didn't want me getting arrested either. I didn't go that far at first; I stayed in Michigan while they tried to reason with mom and dad." Lori was sneering again. "They didn't buy it though."

"You don't say?" Lori faked shock. "They didn't buy any of that bullshit and you had to keep running. Luna went to California to start on her career even though she was pregnant and Lucy was left to do everything by herself." She was throwing the horrible truths like they were more slaps. "What about Lynn and Luan? What about Leni?" This conversation was wearing Lincoln down, but he kept it up.

"Lynn and Luan moved without telling mom and dad where they were going. They couldn't leave town, but I guess they hoped mom and dad would think they did. They've spent all these years avoiding going anywhere near the suburbs or where dad's restaurant is. Only going to stores they know mom and dad would never go to. Leni-" in spite of the current situation, Lincoln had to smile slightly. "-played dumb on the whole thing. She told me about it later. I think she's the only one that actually convinced mom and dad." Out of all of them, Leni had been the most surprising, managing the loss of secrecy and still taking the utmost joy in the things they still had to be joyful for.

"Luna told me about Leni. I'm glad she's doing what she loves." Lori's words are genuine. Things might've been tense in those last years, but Lori just hadn't been able to ignore her protectiveness for her very first sister. "So how long were you gone?"

"Years." Lincoln sighed. It wasn't a subject he enjoyed talking about. "I hitchhiked to Ohio where I didn't think they'd look. Did some odd jobs and begged for change. It was just barely enough. I'd thrown out my phone since I thought they'd use it to track me. I called…Luan, I think it was, after I checked into this motel down there. Right after I hung up, it started ringing. The caller ID had our house number on it. I think they got Lisa to help them. I freaked out and left right then and saw cop cars pulling into the parking lot when I was down the street."

"I kept moving south after that and didn't call any of them again. I broke down and emailed Luna after I thought Lemy had been born, and the exact same thing happened. I got scared again and went to work in Mexico for a few months. That little bit of Spanish Ronnie Anne taught me paid off a lot there." He tried to smile like he'd said something funny. "I came back and just kind of drifted around after that. I didn't think I could go home or reach anyone without getting caught."

"So if they wanted to arrest you, how did you end up back here?" She got up to refill her glass.

"I think mom and dad just told them I ran away from home and that's why they stopped looking after a year since I was an adult." But he'd never been sure, and that had added a few years to his exile. "I finally looked my name up on the internet and I didn't see it on any wanted lists or anything. Not even a missing person list. So I decided to risk it. Took me a month to get back here. After I did come back, Lucy told me they'd dropped out of contact with even her. She thinks they just decided to burn the bridges with all of us. Ignore us as long as we didn't see them again. I set up a bank account and rented this place and there were no red flags, so I'm pretty sure the police aren't involved anymore. I just have to avoid mom and dad."

"Okay, but why did you come back?" Lori asked him, sitting back down. "If it's still really that dangerous, you should've stayed away. You could've come up to Chicago. Ronnie Anne would've helped you. I would've helped you."

"You would've?" He asked.

"Yes, Lincoln!" And he was surprised by the insistence in her voice. "I never hated any of you. I would've helped if you'd just come to me." Well how was Lincoln supposed to know that? Lori had barely even talked to any of them in her final months at home. She'd never tried to reach them after she left either. She'd only just forgiven him.

"Is that why you watch Luna's kids?" He asked. "Even though you tried to kill her?"

"I wasn't going to kill her." Lori scoffed at the idea. "I just wanted to see how they were doing." She took a sudden interest in staring at his appliances rather than him, sipping some of her drink. "And see if I should try and get custody of them."

"What?!"

"But I realized Luna's got the whole parenting thing down." She turned to face him again. "Look, Lincoln," She leaned forward, looking earnest but sad at the same time. "What you guys did disgusts me and I'm still angry about it. But you're still my siblings. You made mistakes but I know you're all still good people. I never told mom and dad about any of you guys."

"You never talked to us either!" He wasn't sure why he was getting defensive. "You came here not even wanting to talk to me!"

"I was waiting for you guys to get over yourself." She didn't raise her voice, but the tension in her words were clear. "You gave me the silent treatment first. Did you really think I wanted to cut off all of you?"

"I don't know." Lincoln shook his head. "After what happened, I just…you would've been right to hate me." He admitted. Lori slumped back in her seat before she grabbed a cigarette out of her purse and lit it.

"Maybe I did at first." She admitted after a drag. She sighed heavily. "But not that bad. I don't think you deserved what happened to you, Lincoln." He didn't think he deserved this either. That any of them deserved this. They hadn't hurt anyone but themselves. They were trying to do good. Yet, they had to live like this, scraping by and tip toeing everywhere. It was unfair enough to bring frustrated tears to any of their eyes on a bad day.

"Look, back to what I was saying," They'd gotten way off topic, but Lincoln still wanted to make something clear. "none of us regret this." He insisted. "None of us are going to walk away. No matter how hard it is, those kids make it all worth it. I thought about not coming back." He admitted. "But I came back for them."

Lori made a heavy sigh.

"I'm not going to say I approve…but I accept it."

"Did you really try and change my mind again after all these years?" He asked.

"I was making sure my little brother was okay." She said defensively. "I really wish you guys hadn't fallen into this. But if you're going to insist so much, I'm willing to let it be." Lori didn't approve of it, but she tolerated it. So maybe, just maybe, things could change.

"So…can things go back to normal?" He asked hopefully.

"Oh, this will never be normal." Lori perished the thought. "But that doesn't mean we can't stay in touch."

"So can I start getting Christmas cards?" Lincoln asked meekly.

"Yes, Lincoln." She smirked. "I'll start mailing you Christmas cards." He smiled too. Were things really patching them selves up like this? Over a decade in just a few hours? "I didn't think it'd be so easy."

"Families are like that." Lori told him. "Can't get rid of them, so you have to forgive and forget." Wasn't that the truth. He remembered all the conflicts they got into as kids. Even something as big as this though…Family was an incredible thing.

"Any chance you can forgive the others too?" Lincoln suggested hopefully.

"It's a two-way street, Lincoln." She crossed her arms. "When they come to me." Lincoln tapped his foot anxiously. He could feel a lot of momentum here, and a lot of good, and he didn't want it to go to waste.

"Well, can you at least call Lucy? Only Lucy. For me? Please?" He implored. "She barely has anyone, Lori, and she never really shut you out." He could see her considering it, jaw working.

"Fine." She relented. "Only Lucy though."

"I'll talk to Leni, Luan, and Lynn." Lincoln swore. "I just know Leni will be glad to talk to you again." That she'd gotten detached from Lori in the first place was a miracle in and of itself; Luna must've been extremely persuasive to convince her. Luan he was sure he could bring around with a little time. Lynn was like Lucy-Lori had been gone by the time things started, so there wasn't any serious animosity and they were only afraid after learning how she'd reacted to the others. He'd still have to phrase it carefully though.

"Still the same as always, Lincoln." Lori smiled. "You really were too nice for this. I would like to see more of my nieces." She said after a moment to think.

"I mean it though: things will get better. I promise." Maybe he was getting a little too hopeful about making so many amends and stitching up so many problems at once, but that was who he was: an optimist, dedicated to making things work.

"If it goes like all your other stunts did, maybe it will. Things always did have a way of working out for you." Lori seemed to think about something for a moment, then pulled out a small notepad and pen from her purse. "Here." She handed it to him after scribbling something. "Lola and Lana's numbers. Lisa doesn't have a private one." Lincoln looked down at the small piece of paper, and the two names scrawled above two different numbers. His breath hitched in his throat. Something else thought lost but now so close.

"I'm not sure…"

"They're not little girls anymore, Lincoln. They'll understand keeping you a secret from mom and dad. Just don't tell them about…you know." Lincoln hadn't even pondered doing something like that.

"Thanks, Lori." Lincoln stared down at the piece of paper. It was a shame it was the middle of the night. "Lola's probably going to yell at me." He tried to be funny. "I was always helping with her make up and dress and I ran away from home only two days before one of her pageants."

"You're going to get an earful for that." Lori warned him.

"Yeah…But I'd love to hear one of her rants again. Good or bad, it'll be great to hear from them again."

"Did you ever think about getting in contact with mom and dad again?" His sister asked him, and Lincoln's face fell. He shook his head.

"That's too far, Lori. You weren't there. You didn't see and hear them. That's the one thing I know I'll never get back, no matter what."

"They really missed you when they called me Lincoln." Lori tried to convince him.

"I'm not taking the chance!"

"Ok, ok. Fine." She guarded after his outburst. She waited for him to speak again.

"We've never told any of the kids the truth." He informed her. "Even the older ones. But we plan to."

"Then you're all dumbasses." Lori was blunt.

"I think they have a right to know." Lincoln reasoned. "I want them to understand so I can apologize. I was going to take care of all of them before we got found out. I know you don't believe I could've, but I was going to. Some of them had a rough time growing up. They didn't deserve it."

"No, they didn't." Lori agreed. "But Lincoln-you better understand they don't have to buy into a single word you or their moms tell them. Don't force them to agree with you guys."

"We won't." Lincoln wasn't entirely convincing, and he knew it was because he wasn't sure himself. There was that very small chance they might force them away with the knowledge, however much he didn't want to believe it. He and Luna had no idea what they'd do if that was the case. He wasn't sure what the others would do in the same circumstance either.

"Because they are my nieces and nephew, Lincoln. I do care about them, and I will do something if I see anything wrong."

"That's good. Really." She seemed surprised when he accepted her warning. And why wouldn't he? They barely had each other watching their backs. Knowing someone else was looking out would help him sleep at night. "Lyra seems to think highly of you as an aunt. I think the others would too."

"I bet they could use some order in their lives." Lori sounded the most like the Lori he remembered then-a commander who brought order to chaos.

"Some of them could use it." Lincoln admitted.

"Why don't you tell me about them?" Lori suggested. "Besides Luna's, obviously." God, Lori was actually interested now. This whole reversal of fortunes was jarring, but Lincoln couldn't help but love every minute of it.

He and his sister ended up talking well into the morning.