30. S2: The Good, the Bad and the Froggy

(To be or not to be, that is the que)

(Quest log number number number)

(I've written journals for 10 years and I still have trouble trying to figure out how to write an opening)

When talking of settlements that stood the test of time, most would refer to the coral-carved city of Newtopia, the ancient bird observatory known as Revali's Peak, the hidden village of the leaves (Boruto) Naruto, or even the great port town of Atalanta. But these are all great settlements, some housing countless frogs, toads and newts alike, each built and maintained with a great purpose in mind. It was expected that these places were to last for so many years.

(Fartwood) Wartwood was not such a place. During my travels across all of Amphibia, I stumbled upon the small township of Wartwood. The entire settlement was built on top of a swamp that, should its weight exceed its limit by even a feather, the whole area would sink like stone. Such a marvel of engineering, capable only by someone highly educated, rivalling elders of the Newtopian court. And yet, for the period of my stay, (all I found were idiots) no such person came to mind.

While inquiring with the locals, I discovered that (Fartwood) Wartwood was almost a thousand years old, much to my surprise! Among the locations listed above, only Newtopia surpassed it in terms of age. And yet Wartwood, having a population of less than a hundred and comprised mostly of farmers and hillbillies, were able to last for so long. What were this town's secrets?

Was it because of its location, both by being within the isolated Frog Valley as well as strategically placed in-between all other towns? Was it because of its self-sufficiency, being able to support itself while the rest of the world crumbled? Or maybe it's because of the (unwelcomingrudegrouchyparanoid) tough and hardy frogs that were the townsfolk? It was hard to say, and even harder to prove.

After three days and three nights, I continued my journey. I paid the innkeeper well, bought a few souvenirs at obscene prices (seriously how is a necklace worth 200 coppers?) and left with nothing but my personal belongings tucked in my bag and the leather hat resting on top of my head. I pray that the rest of my journey goes well, for if the town of (Fart) WARTWOOD such as this was able to survive for so long, there were only two possibilities: either the area was peaceful to a fault, or it was so utterly hellish that only the (craziest) most determined of communities could ever hope to see the light of day.

— Lady Adventurer Michele Calvin, from her personal journal.

The Grand Boulenger Desert – the second-driest place in Amphibia. Situated in the central east of the continent, this vast stretch of hot stone and misplaced bones is home to a variety of flora and fauna. Despite the harsh condition of this deadly land, creatures far and wide found a way to not only survive but thrive. The free real estate and lack of competition attracted many, allowing the formation of small towns all over the once inhospitable place. Though, they didn't tend to last very long.

On the quest of finding a way back to Earth, the young Sasha Waybright, aided by her adopted family of frog farmers known as the Plantars, had taken the monumental task of leaving their safe and beloved township Wartwood. Their goal – to reach the great city of Newtopia, home to the continent's greatest scholars and wizards. Armed with nothing but a custom-designed fwagon and their wits, they headed off on this grand adventure.

In case they were to die, it's important to keep a log of daily activities. You know, for historical reasons.

"Hey, Sasha. What'cha doing?" Sprig Plantar, the young frog boy of the company asked. They were all on the moving fwagon, a gourd of cooling water beside them. Sasha took a sip with a satisfied slurp.

"Sluuurp—Ah… Oh, just writing a diary." Sasha replied, scribbling on a hardcover notebook. Just one of the many things found in her bag. "I kinda figured since my life is getting a whole lot more interesting, I might as well write it down. Ya know?"

Hop Pop, the orange old frog and driver, nodded. "Ah, keeping a record, I see. I remember my first journal. It was very cute."

"I fear your definition of cute." She said, half-joking. "Anyway, I'm doing it backwards for a bit while it's still fresh. I'm just currently stuck at Toad Tower."

Although the events were quick recent, she couldn't quite recall all of it. Due to a few injuries sustained, her memory of the place had been rattled slightly, leaving gaps in what she knew. Though, some parts remained the same, with only the minor details being contested.

She escaped jail, saved the town and fought her ex-best friend. Though, the 'ex' part was a bit iffy. Her feelings regarding their relationship were a complicated one and she had no idea how to begin describing it. Maybe she should just leave that out…

Sprig tuned his fiddle, being a musician of great calibre. "You know, I've been working on a song based on the battle."

Hop Pop turned to him, surprised. "Oh! Am I in it?" He asked eagerly.

Sprig smiled and with a cutesy face, he cheekily said, "Maaaaybe."

His fiddle tuned, Sprig prepared himself, his wooden bow in one hand. He took a deep breath, in and out, and laid his bow on the fiddle's strings. Tapping his foot and getting into a rhythm, Sprig drew the bow across.

"~There was a little frog who stood for revolution. The toads didn't like that, so they tried to execute him. But thankfully, our Sasha stepped up to take the tower. And she saved Hop Pop, who...~"

Hop Pop's eyes gleamed.

"~Mostly hid and cowered.~" Sprig sung with a dance. Hop Pop's enthusiasm instantly soured. "~And cowered and cowered and cowered and cowered and cowered and cowered and cowered and cowered—~"

"All right, that's enough!" He ordered, though with complaint. "Also, I did not just cower! I did some pretty cool things!"

"Yeah, like being covered in ketchup." Sasha pointed out.

"IT WAS BARBEQUE SAUCE!" He argued vehemently. "Besides, it's missing all the context! What about the time I courageously ran for mayor? O-or that time I stood up to those nasty tax collectors?"

"You lost the election and you gave away money." Sasha, again, pointed out. "Which I guess is pretty cool but not exactly exciting."

Polly nodded. "Yeah, what she said."

Sprig also nodded in agreement. "Audiences want clear stakes, Hop Pop. And action!"

""ACT-ION!""

Hop Pop sighed, somewhat dejected. "Feels like it was just yesterday, people thought I was a revolutionary hero."

Polly patted him on the arm. "It's fine, Hop Pop. You were still pretty cool."

"Thank ya kindly, Polly." He said, feeling a tad better. Just as they rode around a dune, a hanging sign underneath a large arch came to view. "Whoop! Heads up, gang! Looks like we're about to stop at our first town – Bittyburg."

Sasha hummed. "You know, I thought Wartwood was a stupid name but apparently, I was wrong. I apologize."

"It's fine, Sasha. This isn't like Wartwood, however. This here is just your average small town."

It took a few seconds for Sasha to understand what he meant.

"Holy guacamole, it's literally a small town!"

Bittyburg, one of the many settlements located in the Grand Boulenger Desert, was a small town. And that did not only imply its population. It has small inns, small taverns, small post offices, small water towers and, most importantly, small people.

"Yeehaw!" One of the small people greeted. The residents of Bittyburg were less than half the height of the average frog, roughly the size of Polly. They had squeaky voices full of positivity and cheer, and wore adorable little outfits cut to fit their miniature size. This particular one had a cowboy hat which, although was crafted to his size, still looked a bit too big, amping the adorableness.

Sasha's eyes widened in a way a cat would when finding drugs. "Oh my god, you're so ADORABLE! Reminds me of my plush collection back home!" She cheerfully cooed. Grabbing the Bitty that greeted them, she raised him to her face. "Hey, how would you like to be a plush doll?"

"… Yee naw." The itty-bitty frog replied, hopping out of her arms, much to her disappointment. She was only going to make a huggable plush doll in his image. She had some experience in making them during her free time. Though, she'd have to find some sewing material first…

While the kids walked around the town like giants, Hop Pop filled a trough with an assortment of mushrooms and leaves – all part of a snail's diet. "There ya go, Bessie. Eat your fill." He said, petting Bessie's shell with the love only a snail owner could give. As he watched his beloved snail consume the gourmet in front of her, some yells and cries could be heard from nearby.

"Hey, what's with all the ruckus?" Hop Pop asked. Walking to the noise, Hop Pop came to view the source of the disturbance. Right in the middle of the road, a rough-looking toad – short and stubby like him – straddled around with a menacing glare. He grabbed one of the tiny residents and lobbed them across the clearing and in their direction.

"Please somebody catch me." The first-ever flying frog calmly requested.

Watching the frog soar through the sky like a majestic eagle, Sasha, with her impressive thinking skills, quickly deduced that the frog would be falling in her position within the next five seconds. Moving on instinct, she sidestepped out of the way where, behind her, Sprig stood absentmindedly. "Huh? Why'd you mo—"

THWOMP!

"AGH!"

Perfectly on time, the flying frog became the falling frog, crashing straight into the unprepared Sprig like a football. That was, if the football was half his body weight and as stiff as stone. Sasha flinched, looking away as her BFF ended up divebombed to oblivion. "Oof, sorry dude!"

Ignoring the ill fate of his grandchildren, Hop Pop continued watching the gruff slim-body toad and his violent behaviour. From that one act alone, the old man could tell that the toad was up to no good.

The mean vest-wearing eyepatched man growled, tapping his beating stick in his hand. "All right, y'all know the rules: pay up, and no one gets hurt." He barked. One by one, the Bitties nearby walked up to him, a coin in hand. He snatched each piece of copper and silver mercilessly, shoving them into a bag. "That's right, pay up, keep it coming."

One of the Bitties, so tiny and so helpless, pulled out nothing but a measly copper coin. The coin was even dented slightly, much to the toad's irritation. "S-sorry, Mr Judro, sir. B-but my boy, Bailey; he's been very sick and I need the money, and uh—"

Without warning, the bandit toad Judro grabbed the tiny one by the ankle, lifting him in the air. Underneath the relatively large amphibian, Bailey the child whimpered.

"Papa!" Bailey cried.

Lifting Bailey's papa to eye level, Judro sneered. "I don't want your excuses. I want your money! Gahahaha!" As an act of unnecessary cruelty, Judro began shaking the poor frog like salt and pepper, his life savings slipping out of his pocket. Judro laughed fiendishly, letting money rain into his bag.

Watching from nearby, Polly gasped sympathetically. "Those poor bitties..."

"Someone should do something!" Sasha said heatedly.

Sprig was right. Someone should do something about this. Someone strong and courageous and had a heart of gold. Someone whose heroics would one day be written in song. Someone who was, preferably, orange in colour.

That gave Hop Pop an idea.

Wordlessly, Hop Pop strutted forward, his pants pulled up menacingly. "Pardon me, fella, but who do you think you are, pushing good people around like that?"

The one-eyed bandit, surprised by the audacity of the old man, let go of the Bitty he had been shaking. "I'm Judro Hasselback, and this here's my town. Who the heck are you?"

Hop Pop looked down slightly, his eyes never leaving the toad's side. The shadow formed from his head made him look menacing, as if he was a threat. "Name's Hopadiah Plantar, the frog that's gonna teach you some manners!"

Judro was shocked. Some random frog he's never met was trying to fight him? Judro Hasselback?! He couldn't help but laugh wholeheartedly. "Hahahaha! Is that so? And how are you going to do that, old man?"

How was he supposed to do that? He was an old man and Judro was easily his junior by several decades. How would this one frog, who clearly should've retired a long time ago, challenge this tricky marauder? The fates were against him.

But with age came experience. He didn't have to beat Judro in a fight. He just had to beat him back.

Without warning, Hop Pop croaked like the great frog he was, his vocal sac expanding like a balloon. The sudden explosion of masculinity came as a surprise for Judro who was already oozing masculinity himself. Unexpecting such a move, the bandit was pushed back, bouncing off the ground slightly.

"Hey, what in the—" Before he could finish, Hop Pop inflated his chest once more, blowing him off. "Agh, stop it!"

Alas, the old frog didn't listen. Why would he, when such injustice was occurring in front of him? Judro was a bad guy and Hop Pop was the hero! And like any hero, he'd defeat the villain with no mercy and maybe, just maybe, even get a song made in his honour.

Repeatedly and without pause, Hop Pop pushed Judro back and back. At such frequency, the money-stealing frog couldn't recover and was left at his mercy. Eventually, after so many croaks and bumps, Judro was finally pushed out of town borders, dropping onto the dry dirt in defeat. Though, considering the size of the town, it wasn't really that far.

Judro stood back and scowled. "You'll pay for this, Hopadiah!" He yelled, running off like the coward he was.

Hop Pop felt satisfied. No, he felt vindicated. He just pushed a good-for-nothing thief out of town like a hero! Even without the song, the experience was cathartic. Was this how Sasha felt when she beat those tax collectors? He kinda liked it.

But he'd still appreciate the song though.

From behind him, he heard a cacophony of awes. One of the Bitties – the small one, Bailey – walked up to him with starry eyes. "You saved us, mister! Three cheers for Hopadiah Plantar!"

"Hip, hip, hooray!"

"Hip, hip, hooray!"

"Hip, hip, hooray!"

Hop Pop smiled. He's never been cheered this way before. Such an unfamiliar experience, even for an old frog like him. Suddenly, he felt a pat on his back. Turning his head, he found it came from Sasha, looking proud at him.

"Woah, good job, Hop Pop. Didn't think you had it in you." Sasha praised.

Hop Pop blushed and waved it off. "Why, that was nothing. Judro's nothing but a big blowhard."

However, this did not ease their worries. "But what if he comes back?" Bailey's father said nervously. "What will we do?"

Indeed, what would they do? The Bitties were so small and harmless. Pretty sure even a blow of wind could send them flying across the continent, and Judro's no slight breeze. He's a big meanie with a vernacular for violence. The Bitties wouldn't stand a chance. They needed help; they needed a hero.

Hop Pop snapped his fingers, an amazing idea popped in his head. "Be right back." He said, walking off while pulling his family with him. Away from peering eyes, he began explaining his idea.

Sprig looked supportive. Polly seemed the same. Sasha, being Sasha, acted exactly as Sasha would.

"You want to act as a sheriff of a tiny town for a few days and scare away the bandit dude, just so you can get some recognition and have Sprig write you a song?"

Hop Pop frowned. "That's not what I said!"

"That's what you implied," Sasha replied, rolling her eyes.

"Look, can't a frog do a good deed from time to time without being accused of ulterior motives? Maybe this frog here just wants to help these poor, defenceless townsfolk?" He claimed, spitting out noble words as easy as breathing. "We're staying for a few days and that's final!"

Sasha wanted to protest; she really did. This smelled like it was going to end horribly and being the more-or-less responsible teenager that she was, she'd prefer not to get involved and ensure it's someone else's problem. The issue was that if the Plantars get involved, it was her problem too.

Oh, what a cruel world. She didn't remember relationships being this annoying.

Just as they finished discussing, Bailey appeared beside them, tugging Hop Pop's pants for attention. "Is there something the matter, Mister Hop Pop?"

Hop Pop cooed, lifting Bailey up to his shoulder. "Aww, of course not! My family and I were just having a polite discussion of our new plans. We've decided to stay for a few more days, just so we can make sure that big ol' jerk Judro won't be coming back!"

Hearing the news, Bailey's smile widened. Not only he but the rest of the mini-townfolks looked at him with awe. It was like the second coming of Frog-Jesus, except it took place in Frog-Wild West and Hop Pop was nothing like the religious figure.

"He's a hero! A brave and noble hero!" One of the Bitties cheered. The whole town erupted, their safety guaranteed for the first time in history. What a momentous day! Forget the song; this might end up as its own holiday at this rate.

Sasha sighed, her hand on her forehead. It's already gone worse. "I swear to God, if this ends up into another one of our usual shenanigans, I am so done."

Polly, hearing that, laughed. "Hah! You jinxed it!"

The teenager gasped. "Dangit, you're right! We're screwed!"

Sprig, however, shook his head. "Have some optimism! Maybe the Sasha Karma won't kick in this time."

"Hey, this is all Hop Pop's deal! Do. Not. Pin this on me!"

While the small town of small people had the biggest party ever despite its small budget, another set of events took place several miles off. Judro Hasselback, shamed into leaving the premise, had run across the desert for hours. Because of how he was kicked out, he didn't have a chance to retrieve his ride, forcing him on foot. Not only did he fail to do easy picking, but he also suffered a great loss. This was not looking good for him.

However, this wasn't the end of his nefarious tales.

"Oof!" Judro yelped, having slipped just as he reached his destination – a rundown shack located within a valley of red stone. The shack was well-hidden with a large flat rock above its roof, supported by the surrounding geography. Unless you looked closely, most wouldn't even notice it, especially since it was placed off-road and in a hard-to-reach area. Such a place was just wilderness but to Judro, it was home.

"Well, if it ain't my little brother Judro." A cowboy hat-wearing toad greeted them with a wicked grin. He was a full head taller than Judro and carried arms as thick as watermelons. How he managed to get such exquisite muscles was a mystery in itself. "How's the collecting going?"

"Heathro! Is Mamma home?" Judro asked, panting tiredly.

Heathro nodded, gesturing at the shack. "Yeah, she's in her office. Why'd you ask? Did the itty bitty Bitties finally kick ya out?" He mocked.

The one-eyed bandit growled. "It weren't the Bitties..."

After patting the sand off his vest, Judro passed his brother and calmly walked in. The inside of the shack was sombre, the windowless scenery having blocked all forms of natural light. But it wasn't completely dark as at the end of the building, in a separate room, light shines through the gaps of the door.

Judro gulped nervously, walked up to the lit room and hesitantly knocked.

Knock knock knock!

"Mamma? You there?" Judro muttered. Opening the door, he peeked around and right there, behind a wooden desk that had seen better days, a large and imposing figure sat. She was a goliath of a woman, larger than any frog or even toad. Her hair was tied to a bun, giving her a motherly look.

"Judro, my youngest. You're back a bit early." The giant, Mamma, greeted. She was looking through a collection of varied items, examining them and then scribbling something on a notepad nearby. "How's your collecting in Bittyburg? Did the Bitties come up short?"

Judro fiddled with his fingers. "U-uh, well, not exactly."

Mamma sighed. "Speak up, Judro! I don't got all day. Ruth's back from her run and as usual, her loot is full of junk and bones." She said, sounding incredibly annoyed. "No matter how many times I drill it into her, she never learns to stop picking up trash! So, you better have some good news…"

Judro blinked. "… Well, about that…"

...

...

...

"WHAT?!"

Somewhere in the Grand Boulenger Desert, a baby cried.

After months of hiding, Mamma Hasselback re-entered the light. With each step, the earth shook. With each step, the ground quaked. Birds flew in panic, fish scampered out like ants, and a young girl in Newtopia fell down another flight of stairs. The toad lifted her rolling pin, an unconventional but trustworthy weapon.

And she set it down where immediately, the world settled.

Mamma Hasselback growled. "Who does that two-timing old frog think he is, messing with my turf?! Judro, go get your sister! Heathro, call you Uncle Talbert!"

Spitting into a spittoon, which then immediately exploded, she glared at the sun. "Seems like we have to pay this new sheriff a visit…"

Every town has a sheriff. The sheriff is basically the chief of police, the Red Ranger of the robot fighter, the Blossom in the Powerpuff Girls. The sheriff has the responsibility of upholding the law and protecting the peace, maintaining the cogs of society so that everyone and everything functioned as intended.

That was, in the ideal sense. Real-life sheriffs tend to be a tad more corrupt. Thankfully, Hop Pop wasn't a real sheriff.

Glug glug glug~

"More juice, Mr Hop Pop?" Bailey asked, a jug of green translucent liquid in his hands. Droplets slid down the glass, the liquid's cold temperature causing the surrounding air to precipitate.

Hop Pop, sitting on a recliner and wearing a cowboy hat, raised his glass, letting the boy pour it to its brim. "Thank ya kindly, Bailey. You're all real sweet."

After promising to take care of the town for a few days, the Bitties became very hospitable with their stay. Despite its size, Bittyburg actually had quite the backlog of supplies. Although it wasn't a major trading hub, that didn't mean the single strip of houses was, by any means, broke. The town was a resupply spot, where travellers can purchase essentials to prepare for the long journey ahead. Though, buying and selling wouldn't be enough for a town to prosper.

Introducing Bittyburg's main export; cactus juice!

Sasha took a whiff of her glass, twirling its contents slightly. The juice has a gel-like consistency with a slight green tinge. There were also dark green bits in it – crumbs of actual cactus, similar to the pulps of oranges. "Hey, uh, is it okay for me to drink this? It smells kinda… off…"

Bailey nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! It's our town's famous cactus juice – the quench-filling drink of the desert!"

Sprig took a great, big and satisfying gulp. "Bwah! It's the quenchiest!"

Sasha stared at the drink, perplexed. "How do you even get juice from a cactus?"

Was a cactus like a container with water in the middle? Or maybe they squeezed the cactus like lemons to get the juice out? Or maybe they blended the cactus and filtered out the liquid with a sieve? Sasha did not know for she never had cactus before.

Bailey's father, whom they learned was named Barnaby, walked up to them in his red pants. "Thank you again, Mr Hop Pop. We're so glad that you're here to protect us! Now there's no way the ruthless Hasselback Gang will bother us ever again!"

Hop Pop stopped drinking halfway, and blinked. "I'm sorry but did you say 'gang'?"

"HOPADIAH PLANTAR!"

Why did he hear boss music?

Hastily, Hop Pop turned in the direction of the voice and right there, just on the border of this small town, a female toad of ginormous proportions stomped in. Surrounding her were a colourful cast of Saturday cartoon baddies, each as malicious-looking as the last. Mamma Hasselback, the largest toad to ever walk on this continent, stomped straight towards Hop Pop. With each step, the townsfolk jumped and as she got closer, the difference in size between her and the temporary sheriff grew more and more distinct.

Upon reaching his seat, Mamma looked downwards. "So, you're the bold frog who dared throw my Judro outta town?"

Hop Pop gulped. "W-well, depends on who's asking."

"I am."

The large toad set down her rolling pin, cracking the earth underneath. "The name's Mamma Hasselback and this here town is my turf. I hate only three things in life: goodie-two-shoes, old people and pure unbridled stupid. You, little man, fit all three."

Oh.

Oh, that didn't sound good.

"Yeah, well Mr Hop Pop fought against the Toad Army! He ain't afraid of ya!" Bailey said, challenging the matriarch.

A little bit of context: prior to the Hasselbacks' arrival, Hop Pop was sitting around and drinking cactus juice. Seeing that he had nothing else to do, he decided to indulge the residents of Bittyburg with tales of his bravery. Though, there were a few parts which he took creative liberties with. For example, he definitely did not surfboard over a wave of barbeque sauce, beating up several highly-trained toad soldiers in the most radical way possible. No, a teenager did that.

Mamma Hasselback looked at the old frog and gawked. "Really? You?" She said in disbelief. Instantly after, she laughed. Hard. "HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Now, this I gotta see!"

Putting her trusty rolling pin aside, Mamma sat on the ground, her legs folded in nicely. Staring at Hop Pop, she smiled.

"Do your worst."

Hop Pop's lips puckered. He didn't want to do his worst. Not because his worst was any good but because his worst was literally his worst. It was just… so bad, and not in a good way. Yet, he obliged, mostly out of fear. Pulling his pants up, Hop Pop stomped towards the giant like a 60's cartoon until he was literally within arm's reach. He then pulled his arm, swinging it around and just as it reached terminal angular velocity, he let loose the beast.

CR-R-R-RACK!

His fist collided with Mamma's knee. It crumbled like biscuits. And by 'it', it wasn't the knee.

Hop Pop stared at his arm, cartoonishly bent in various places. It flopped and stretched like an accordion, throbbing red in pain. "Oh, dear..." Hop Pop whispered.

Mamma blinked. She didn't feel a thing. "Was that it? Really? Sheesh, I was expecting pathetic but that was even lower."

Immediately, the rest of the family came to show support. "Hey! Back off!" Sprig yelled.

"You leave Hop Pop alone!" Polly threatened.

Before the three kids could aid their parental figure, they were suddenly ambushed by the rest of the Hasselback gang! Ruth, Talbert and Heathro popped out in their blindspots and from above, shoved wooden barrels over them. The kids slid into the barrels like butter, their heads and restrained hands popping out above in a comical fashion.

"Ah! We're stuck!" Sprig shouted.

"This is not much different from my bucket, really." Polly mused.

Lastly, Sasha contemplated. "Huh, so this is what it feels like." She said under her breath. Yeah, okay, finally experiencing it herself, she shouldn't have laughed back when Marcy got pushed into a trashcan. That was mean of her.

"Looks like your so-called hero is a full-on zero. I bet all that about fighting toads was all made up. Ain't that right, Hopadiah?" Mamma jabbed.

Bailey gasped. "I-is it true, Mr Hop Pop?"

Realising there was no way out, Hop Pop sighed, admitting it all. "It wasn't the full truth. I was at the fighting but I never fought the toads. I… I just watched..."

Hearing that, Mamma gave a burst of full-on bellowing laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAAA! That's even sadder than I thought!" She mocked, as if it was the funniest thing she's ever heard. "Hasselbacks! Show these frogs where they belong."

Mamma snapped her fingers and with gleeful smiles, the roaming gang of bandits did exactly as they were told and brought the Plantars into their new accommodations. It, unfortunately, was not as good as it sounded.

If Sasha were to get a nickel every time she got thrown into an uncomfortable jail cell in the middle of nowhere by a gang of hooligans and their toad leader, then she'd have two nickels… which wasn't a lot but it was weird that it happened twice. One more and she could give it to every member of the Plantars. It wasn't like nickels existed here but they'd probably appreciate the gesture.

The Bittyburg jail was… small. Much like everything else in this town, even the jail was made to size. With all four of them sharing a cell, the whole room felt cramped. Sasha was sure she couldn't even stand up straight without breaking through the roof with her head. At least they were let out of those barrels.

While the family of farmers sat there quietly, Sprig conveniently had a harmonica in hand and began playing a tune. After all, there was no other instrument more fitting for their current situation than the harmonica. Not like it made the mood any better though, as Hop Pop sat at the corner, sulking and defeated.

Sasha wasn't used to seeing Hop Pop so depressed. Wanting to help, she playfully nudged him with her elbow. "Cheer up, old man. We'll get out. Coincidentally, I happen to have this hairpin that's perfect for lockpicking. And Anne thought learning how to lockpick from YouTube videos was 'problematic'. Pffft, she knows how to do it too." She exclaimed, completely worry-free. "The moment those Hasselbacks are down for the night, we'll break out, grab Bessie and hightail out of here!"

"And leave the Bitties behind, where they'll spend the rest of their days being miserable..."

Sasha coughed awkwardly. "Eeeeyeaaah..."

Hop Pop sighed miserably. "I was a fool. What I did to those Bitties was nothing short of shameful. They trusted me and I let them down when they needed me the most. They wanted a hero and all they got was a zero..."

"A Plantar's always about honesty. And I lied for a cheap song like a coward."

... Huh. It's weird. She should be proud, having been proven right. She knew early on what this was all about and was not at all ashamed of pointing it out. She had called out of Hop Pop's shenanigans and here they were, in some cowboy jail cell, the cost of the old man's hubris. She was, without a doubt, completely right.

So why did she feel so bad about it?

Sasha took a breath in and closed her eyes. A second later, she let it all out. "Haah... Look, Hop Pop, no one said that being a hero is easy. Most of the time, people don't even acknowledge you. And that's sucks, like, super hard. And yeah, you lied to the Bitties and that sucks super hard too."

"But... It wasn't like you were being evil about it." She added. "You just wanted Sprig to make you a stupid song."

Abruptly, Sprig stopped playing, turning at the two with an offended look. "Hey..."

"Even though it was fake, the hope you gave them? That was real. They felt happy and safe. And honestly? That was pretty cool." She continued with a smirk. "Being selfish isn't evil. You can be selfish and do good. The motive doesn't define the action."

At least, she hoped not. This was kinda how she justified her way of life. Renegade for life.

Hop Pop stared at her. What she said sounded somewhat horrible from his perspective and yet, it felt good. Real good! "My frog! You're absolutely right! I did do good, didn't I? Even if it was for bad reasons, I helped the Bitties!" He cheered, miraculously reinvigorated.

Still, much to his irritation, what he did wasn't enough. "Dangit! I just wish I could help them a bit more."

"Well, why can't you?" Polly asked.

"Because they'd crush us without a second thought." Sprig replied. "All in one, they're impossible to beat."

Indeed, these scoundrels were formidable. There's no way they'd win in a direct encounter. But… why should they? All of the sudden, Hop Pop was struck by a thought. "You're right, Sprig! But who says we have to beat them all in one? Family, I've got a plan..."

For most of his life, Judro was a simple man.

There wasn't much going on for this toad. He was born an outlaw and planned on dying as one. He remembered his first mugging in a back alley, as well as that time he was cornered by Pinkertons on a rope bridge, and then escaped by jumping into the ravine below. He successfully faked his death for months.

But for the past couple of years, he's been taking it easy. To think he'd get his butt kicked by some random old frog; although Mamma didn't say a word about it, he was sure she was disappointed in him. If he ever got a chance for a rematch, he'll make sure it'll end differently.

Though, right now, he had a more important business to deal with – finding a bathroom. "Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have drunk all that cactus juice… It was just the quenchiest."

Walking around, he never realised the town was a lot bigger than it looked. Honestly, he really thought the town of tiny frogs was limited to that one stretch of road. But apparently, Bittyburg had other areas he never visited. Speaking of other areas, he just found out yesterday that this place had a jailhouse. Like, what criminal could these Bitties even hold?

Nonetheless, the building ended up being useful. He wasn't sure how long they were going to leave them there but eh, who cares? Maybe the jailhouse had a bathroom. As he entered the building in search of a place of relief, he found himself in an empty room, the set of iron bars swinging freely.

Judro's eyes widened in a panic. "What the?! Mamma, we've got a problem!" He shrieked, frantically running out of the jailhouse.

Minutes later, he returned, this time with the whole gang of Hasselbacks. Considering how small the jailhouse was and how little they cared, Mamma Hasselback ripped the front wall and roof off with one hand, showering the cells with natural light. And inside, it was just like what Judro said.

The jailhouse was empty, its doors unlocked.

Mamma grinned amusedly. "Well, I'll be! Those frogs and their lanky pet escaped! Must've done it in the dead of night too! Haha! Didn't think they had it in them!"

Heathro turned to his mother. "Won't this be a problem, Mamma?"

Mamma scoffed. "As if. By the time those weaklings get to the next town, we'll be long gone. We've got plenty of time." She assured. Yet, being the cruel devil that she was, she immediately brought it public, just so she could rub it in. "Ya hear that, Bitties? Your amazing sheriff's abandoned ya! Haha!"

Bailey was in disbelief. "Mr Hop Pop wouldn't do that!"

"You willing to bet? Face it; in the real world, there aren't any heroes." She sneered, laughing at the boy's misery. Turning around to her posse, Mamma gave her order of the day. "Now come on, let's flip the whole dang town and grab EVERYTHING!"

With Hop Pop gone, the Hasselbacks could breathe easily, knowing that their only threat – although he wasn't much of a threat – was no longer valid. Still, they could never stay there forever. Various travellers would visit this small town and word travelled fast. It'll only be a matter of time until sheriffs from more prominent areas to appear or, if it got difficult, the Newtopian Army. The Hasselback gang wasn't built to deal with that kind of firepower.

Thus, without wasting any time, the group split up, each going around and taking whatever it was they deemed valuable. While the perceptions of value differed from amphibian to amphibian, so long as it's shiny or packed in fancy packaging, then it was. How one interpreted that, however, was fair game.

Ruth Hasselback, Judro's half-sister and the only newt of the family, was excited. They didn't often get to do pillaging, and Mamma gave them free rein on the looting. She was eager for all the treasures she would forcibly take from the Bitties' itty-bitty hands.

Keep in mind that everyone has a different take on value.

"Oh cool, a rock!" Ruth yelled, grabbing the most mundane piece of stone from the ground. It was orange and had straight squiggly lines but otherwise, it wasn't particularly interesting. She plopped it into her pocket. "This goes to my rock collection."

THONK!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, something hard hit her in the head. Looking down, she found the item to be – gasp! – another boring geological find. "Ow! A-a rock? From the sky?! It must be a gift from an angel! Oh, I sure wish that angel's cute, hehe..." She said, not realising flying rocks was not in parallel with all known laws of aviation.

THONK!

"Ow! More rocks?! The angel must really like me." She repeated, kneeling down to grab this and the previous rocks as loot. However, just as she reached in to grab it, an ominous shadow appeared from above, covering her view. "Huh, what's that? Is that you, angel?"

She never got an answer.

Minutes later, somewhere nearby, Judro was bringing back a large sack of pillage goods. He's got all sorts of shinies in his bag; coins, jewellery, a random assortment of knickknacks and even a few bottles of cactus juice. Although it was a shame to be leaving so soon, he was looking forward to just sit back, relax and shower himself in silver and copper. Maybe with his share of the loot, he could finally visit a dentist.

He loved Mamma and the Hasselback gang but being an outlaw did not come with a dental plan.

As he was heading back, he found an unusual sight. There on the ground, he saw a twinkling star. "Well, I'll be; loose change! Them Bitties and their tiny pockets probably had these coppers slip out. Stupid little frogs!" He said, going straight to grab what was essentially a dime. He then noticed more coppers, all perfectly laid out in a line leading elsewhere. Judro smiled toothily. "Whoo-wee! This must be one loaded idiot, leading me to their house like this!"

He followed the trail, snatching the loose change as he went along. Eventually, the trail ended, having led him to an inconspicuous house at the edge of town. This must be the place! Like the greedy toad he was, he tiptoed towards the house and with twiddling fingers, ripped a chunk of the wall apart. "Good morning, Bitties! I'm here to un-personalise your personal belongings, haha!"

To his surprise, there was no response. To an even bigger surprise, there was no loot at all; the house was completely empty. But the biggest surprise of them all was the single something in the middle of the room. Or more precisely, the single someone.

"MMMMMGGGHHHH!" Ruth screamed, her mouth gagged and the rest of her limbs bondaged. She was tied up in a hogtie position – a classic, considering the location.

Judro gasped in shock. "What the—?!"

THONK!

Now, Heathro, the eldest of the three siblings, was, thankfully, smarter than the other two even combined. Regrettably, this did not mean much. Judro had a peanut for a brain while Ruth was… well, Ruth. Heathro, on the other hand, had a bachelor's degree in accounting. Though, that didn't stop him from extorting the other students. Only for money though; he did all the academic work himself.

Being the smartest of them, Heathro knew that the Bitties shouldn't be left unwatched. Thus, at the expense of looting, he took it upon himself to be the watchful eye of these miscreants. As of present, all the Bitties in town were gathered in the main square. Considering the size of the town, there were roughly 30 to 40 Bitties here.

One Bitty stared at him, huddling close with their fellows. Heathro noticed their gaze and snarled.

Meanwhile, just a few blocks up, Mamma and Talbert were loading their part of the loot onto a wagon. The wooden wheels creaked from the weight, making her smile. "This has got to be the best picking yet! Maybe we should send Judro and have him get beaten up more often. Builds some character."

Talbert blinked. "You know you're talking about bullying your own blood, right?"

She shrugged. "Eh, so what? His gambling debt has been a thorn in my side for too long. Those casinos are ruthless." She grumbled.

CRASH!

Suddenly, she heard a loud noise, as if one of the buildings just got demolished. And from the sounds of it, it came from downtown, by the centre square. "What in your potato-sized bald spot was that?!"

"Hey, we promised not to talk about that..."

About a minute earlier, back at the square, Heathro was still doing his duty, watching over the residents and ensuring the peace. Really though, if it weren't for his banditry habits, he would've been a great banker.

Now though? He was lucky to be alive.

In just a blink of an eye, a large unidentified object rammed him in his side. Heathro was sent flying across the road, crashing into one of the tiny buildings. As the dust settled a second later, the large unidentified object was finally identified. It was none other than Bessie, the Plantar family's beloved snail, driven by Sasha Waybright. Hop Pop sat beside her, utterly terrified.

"Sasha! You were supposed to around him and make a cloud cover, so Sprig and Polly can ambush him! Not hit him with Bessie!" Hop Pop shrieked.

"First off; I know. I made this part of the plan! Second; I had dust in my eye!"

"Turnips, I say! Respectfully, turnips."

From the backseat, Polly nudged the two. "Uh, family? I don't want to say we should panic but I'm pretty sure they know we're still here now."

"You darn tootin' I do."

STOMP!

STOMP!

STOMP!

On cue, Mamma Hasselback waltzed in, each step louder and stronger than the last. If Hop Pop thought that she was terrifying before, then he's completely stricken in fear now. Mamma cracked her neck side to side and patted her rolling pin in her hands. "You've done goofed now."

Right behind her, Talbert sniggered. "Haha, y'all gonna die!"

Mamma looked around, searching for any familiar faces. Other than the unconscious Heathro and the snickering Talbert, she couldn't find any. "Where's the rest of my posse?"

Sprig puffed his chest. "Taken care of."

"It's four against two!" Polly confidently stated.

Hop Pop, the jitters in his bones finally leaving, hopped off Bessie. He tucked in his shirt, adjusted his ascot and nodded with his hat. "Your days are numbered, Mamma Hasselback."

From the crowd of Bitties, Bailey cheered, tears of hope in his eyes. "Mr Hop Pop! I knew it! You never ran away after all!"

Hop Pop smiled, glancing at the boy. "I'm sorry I lied, Bailey. I shouldn't have taken advantage of your town's kindness like that. I just wanted to feel a bit special – like a hero – and then have a song made after me."

Bailey, though, didn't care and smiled. "It's okay, Mr Hop Pop! I forgive you." He said in his cutesy voice.

Seeing this show of affection, Talbert gagged. "Gyuk! It's all so sweet, that it's disgusting! I'll take care of 'em, Mamma!"

"HIYAAAH!" Talbert roared, leaping into battle. He then began doing all sorts of martial moves, kicking and punching the air like it was his enemy. After doing a backflip, he drew a line in the sand with his foot and then stood in a crane position. "I've got a black belt in newt-jiujutsu and toad-kwandoe! I've trained in 1000 ways of murder and was a member of the elite top-secret Emerald Ops with 20 successful missions under my belt. I killed a man just by looking at him with a pair of binoculars. I was so deadly, that even the king of Amphibia wept beneath my feet and cleaned my boots! A couple of kids and an old frog ain't worth the sweat!"

Talbert leapt in with a kick, full of fury and might. He screamed a powerful war cry, soaring through the air like a majestic bird. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. He invented that phrase! No one can prove otherwise! That's how good he is! All Hop Pop, Polly and Sprig could do was watch as he came closer and closer.

Sasha then proceeded to commit vehicle manslaughter for the second time today.

Everyone watched in abject horror as Talbert's broken body was flung across town, bouncing around the buildings like a pinball, before finally landing face-first into the square. The only one not bothered was the driver who looked quite amused with herself. "Oh, would you look at that. I guess you're not a master of not-getting-hit-by-a-snail karate. Hmph! A shame."

Four down, one to go.

Hop Pop raised his finger, pointing it up to the heavens. With vindication, he shouted with all his might. "Let's do it, Plantars! It's high time Bittyburg gets a happy ending!"

"YEEEAAAHH!" Polly and Sprig yelled in unison. Carrying the will of fire and the roar of lions, the Plantars charged ahead. Hop Pop, Sprig, Polly, Sasha and even Bessie – all of them, together. Nothing could stop them from ending the injustice suffered by the Bitties.

Well, almost nothing.

Sasha and Bessie went on ahead first, being the fastest of the group. Sasha was planning on crashing into Mamma just like how she did to the others. If it worked the first two times, then the third time's a charm. The problem which none of them could foresee was that... Well, Mamma was scary.

"GRRRRRRGGGH!" Mamma growled like a dog, foam forming in her mouth and with bloodshot eyes. Bessie, being the gentle and sensitive snail she's known for, stopped in her tracks. Intimidated and threatened, she immediately turned around and drove off, dragging her poor driver with her.

"W-w-w-wait a minute! Bessie! BESSIE!" Sasha shrieked, hanging on for dear life.

With no driver and frightened like a newborn doe after 12 cups of espresso, the fleeing Bessie unintentionally rammed through the rest of the Plantars who, due to their invigorating charge, failed to move away. Scattered like bowling pins, their momentum broke and everything ground to a halt.

"WAAAA-OOF!" Polly yelled, landing nearby with a thump. Although dizzy, she was more or less unharmed, outside of a few scuffed marks and messed bow. Just as she was standing back up – well, in the way a tadpole with no legs could – she, unfortunately, came face-to-face with an unwanted person. "AAAAAAHHHH HELP!"

Mamma Hasselback grabbed the baby in one hand, holding her like a baseball. Occasionally, she squeezed her slightly, making Polly squeak like a chew toy. Sprig, in an act of brotherly love, ran straight at them recklessly. "LET HER GO, YOU BULLY!"

And she did. Mamma wasn't unreasonable. She was a mother herself and knew exactly how to treat children. It's just that she didn't let Polly go softly.

BONK! SPLASH!

Flicking her wrist, Mamma flung Polly at Sprig with the speed of an intercontinental ballistic missile. The two siblings came in contact right in the foreheads, squishing their faces flat into each other. Polly, who carried most of the force, pushed Sprig several meters back, leaving him fallen in an iconic meme-worthy pose from a popular Japanese cartoon about alien martial artists. His sister, on the other hand, bounced a bit further back, landing perfectly in a bucket of water.

20 points to the bandit!

Hop Pop, who recovered just enough to witness all of that, blinked. "Oh, fu—"

Mamma slammed him with her rolling pin, burying him into the dirt like an ugly flower. He wasn't even able to finish his words: 'fubbernickel'.

"Mr Hop Pop!" Bailey cried. Breaking free of his father's arms, the little cowboy boy ran to the old man's side. Although injured, he was luckily not dead.

"Don't cry for me, Bailey..." Hop Pop wheezed with the last remnants of his strength. "I promised to be a sheriff and being a sheriff means doing the right thing and helping those who can't help themselves... Besides, I don't feel a thing..."

He lied.

"Bleh." Hop Pop blurbed, finally giving in.

Tears... Bailey felt them streaming down his cheeks. Although short, Hop Pop had given his all to save this town. A town of small people with small desires, one of many in this unforgiving desert. Within his tiny insignificant heart, a spark blipped into existence.

Bailey clenched his fist. "You hurt Mr Hop Pop... You hurt us... That makes me so... SO..."

Unhappy? Miffed? Bothered?

"MAAAAAD!"

Suddenly, his eyes glowed a bright orange. His wide pupils dilated and his teeth turned razor sharp. He growled animalistically, transforming from adorable to rabid. And from the looks of it, it wasn't just him. One by one, the residents of Bittyburg all changed, no longer cute and cuddly. Now, they were predators and one large toad was their prey.

Mamma blinked. "Huh. Well, that's new. Now you listen here, Bitties—"

Much like what she did to Hop Pop, the same happened to her. The Bitties, led by the ravenous Bailey, screeched at the bandit and pounced, baring their teeth. Mamma yelped as the Bitties climbed all over, biting and clawing. The toad tried to fight back, screaming and slapping and kicking her feet around, but it was to no avail; the Bitties showed no remorse.

It was so brutal that describing it would've turned this fic from a Teen rating to a Mature one.

Mamma drowned under the growing avalanche of angered frogs. A few seconds later, Sasha returned, having finally regained control after calming poor ol' Bessie. "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SASHA COMES IN TO THE RESCU—What the fubbernickel is going on?!"

Bailey popped out from the mountain of berserk emotions, crawling over to her like a spider. "Hi there, Ms Sasha! After witnessing your courageous efforts, we've decided to act like a sheriff and help those who can't help themselves. That's you and your family by the way."

Bailey then showed her a sharp fang, one as large as his arm. "Here's a tooth for your troubles."

"... Alright, I'm out." Sasha jumped out of her seat and without another word, she collected the unconscious members of her adopted family, tossed them onto the backseat and climbed back up to the driver's seat. "I'm just gonna go grab the fwagon. See you around, squirt."

"Bye, Ms Sasha!"

And off she went for the curtain called and the show ended. It was time for the Plantars to leave town, having overstayed their welcome. The next day, Sasha would tell the now-conscious frogs everything, from their brave heroics and the inspiration they gave through their acts. On the same day, Sprig would write a rather tasteful song about how easily they were beaten to a pulp despite the major advantages and what a scary lady Mamma Hasselback was.

Hop Pop did not like that song.

AN: For the record, I've heard about the Twitter drama occurring and that's not going to stop me from writing. I don't really care much about it and from my POV, it's a pretty small issue to begin with. Also, FFN doesn't have strikethrough which should be a crime. Note the formatting weirdest at the first part.