36. Combat Camp

Chapter 36: Combat Camp

So, here's the deal, Hop Pop has to go to some farming convention who knows where, so the three of us got dumped at a day care a few miles outside Wartwood. Now, I get not leaving the three of us alone, given what happened the last time (though I'm still gonna complain about it), but he could've at least left me home, right? I'm thirteen, which is practically fifteen, which is almost seventeen, which makes me almost almost almost an adult. Pfft. Whatever. Not like I care or anything.

Anyway, he dropped us off with this stuffy-looking newt and my first thought was "ugh, this is gonna be miserable." Everything about this guy screamed "teacher" and me and teachers… we do not mix. It seems like they always latch onto me and pick apart everything I do as wrong, just because I don't "pay attention" or "apply myself" or "do homework on time" and nonsense like that. I'm too busy keepin' it real.

So, I was resigned to a weekend of boredom and misery, but we got a surprise the second HP left; our caretaker, Tritonio Espada, tore off his old-timey teacher outfit to reveal something straight out of a classic swashbuckler movie. And this wasn't some kind of super-boring private school, this was a combat camp, which I just learned is a thing. I was set for dusty old books and ew, math, but instead, we were going to learn to fight, which, after tangling with those toads last month with nothing but a broken arm to show for it, was something I could really use.

Whatever illusions I had early on were dashed the moment we were asked to pick our preferred weapon. They had everything here, including the kind of stuff you only see in video games. Gun-knives, big rectangular swords the size of a whole person, exploding mushrooms, you name it, he had it. I had my eye on a real badass sword, the exact kind you'd see in something like The Tale of Xenobia. But he slapped my hand away. He said I didn't have the manual dexterity for that sword, but I didn't see a manual anywhere, so what the heck was I supposed to do? Wasn't teaching me how to use a sword his job?

It went on like that for the rest of the day. No matter what exercise he put us through, he had nothing but nitpicky criticism for me. I don't run right, I don't jump right, I don't swing right (heard that one before, lol), I don't climb right… I don't do anything right.

Yep… been here before. I've heard this from every teacher I've had. And you know the worst part? I'm actually trying my best! But apparently that isn't good enough for Mr. Just Stepped out of an Errol Flynn Movie over here. Well, I don't care how dashing and roguish he is, there is no way he's winning me over.

So, that night, at dinner (and for the record, no, I do not like quinoa. Lousy grain that wishes it was rice, but it'll never be rice), I finally had it out with Tritonio, over why he had been picking on me the whole time. He told me that he was being tough on me because he saw potential in me, and thought I needed a push.

…and… yeah. Maybe I do. It's kind of made me rethink everything I believed about teachers. Did they see the same thing he did? I've never really thought of myself as having potential… not that way, anyway. Growing up, Marcy had always been the one with the book smarts, and Sasha the one with the people smarts, and me… I was the other one. I fit into my slot, and I never felt the need to be more than that.

Is that what they saw? Potential that was there, but being wasted?

And would it have killed them to have an honest conversation with me about it? Because I was feeling a lot better after Tritonio's pep talk.

And then… he gave me this awesome sword. It glowed bright blue in the moonlight. He told me it had been forged by an ancient master from metal that had fallen from the stars, and that it had been passed down through the family for generations. And… he was just giving it to me.

Things improved a lot from there. It's amazing what just a little bit of encouragement could do. I was doing much better in my lessons. I even briefly got the better of Tritonio himself in a one-on-one sparring match, with a little bit of trickery. But then, as Tritonio says, there is one rule in a fight: there are no rules!

We're nearing the end of our course. Tritonio has set up a final exam for tomorrow, where we're supposed to pull off a mock train robbery. Ol' Tri's really gone through a lot of trouble to set this whole thing up; I mean, it probably isn't cheap to rent a train, hire a whole bunch of actors to play the guards, and make a fake ruby for us to steal. But I guess we're worth it.

The time had finally come for the heist. Tritonio gave us one last pep talk, assuring us that none of this was real, and that we shouldn't worry about hurting anyone, because they'd been paid to say things like "What are you doing?" and "Ow, I'm really hurt!" and "What the heck are you talking about? We're not actors! We're real guards!" You know, to add to the realism.

So, the plan was: Sprig pretends to be an injured orphan lying in the tracks to stop the train and distract the engineer and guards, while Polly and I sneak on board, take out any remaining guards, and take over the train. And wow, these guys really got into the role. You could almost believe they were actually train guards guarding a real priceless ruby!

So, once the three of us kicked the last of the guards off the train, Polly blew open the cargo car and there it was, the ruby. And wow, Tritonio really had gone all out. This thing actually looked like a real valuable ruby. It was probably like, just glass, but it sure did look like the real thing.

We'd done it, and for the first time in my life, I was actually looking forward to my grade. Sure enough, moments later, Tritonio told us how proud he was of us… before snatching up the ruby and locking us In the car for the guards to find.

…yeah. This wasn't a test, we just committed a gigantic crime. Actually, now that I really think about it, that's kind of the only way any of this makes any sense.

Well, there was no time to feel stupid, because I did NOT want to find out what toad jails were like. Luckily, Tritonio never bothered to check if we were still armed. Polly still had plenty of boom-shrooms to blow our way out of the train car, and soon, there we were, fighting on top of a speeding train, just like in the movies. It was epic. It was beyond epic. He nearly had me a couple of times. In fact, he had me hanging off the edge of the train, but at the last moment, I managed to use my sword to reflect the sun right into his eyes and take him out for good.

We handed him over to the toad guards shortly after that; turns out he's been running this same scam all over Amphibia, taking in some kids, training them to rob a train, and leaving them to take the fall. I guess his mistake this time was that he trained us a little too well. In fact… I think, on some level, he's proud of us for beating him.

Still gonna kick his butt if I ever see him again though.

HP picked us up shortly afterwards, looking like he'd been through some serious stuff. Other than a suspiciously specific denial that the convention had been swarmed by locusts, he had nothing to say about it, and I figure it probably wouldn't have been a good idea to pry… after all, we wouldn't want him asking what we'd been up to. No… we wouldn't want that.

A.N.: A great guest star can really make or break an episode, and this one has one of my favorite one-shot characters in the series. Matt (Strong Bad) Chapman really brings him to life (and yes it's basically the same voice he used for Mermando bit here it really fits the character). I'm really looking forward to him finally showing up again in a couple of weeks. Maybe they'll finally explain why Anne never used that cool glowing blue sword again.

Hyena: We'll see. I have ideas.

Jose: Thanks as always

Schweenieboy: Anne's growth as a character has been one of the major joys of the series. I like how she started out as, well, kind of a jerk actually, and that we've really gotten to see her change over the last three seasons.

Next: Children of the Spore