49. Swamp and Sensibility

"So… here's where we're at," Sasha opened. "We've had some successful missions. The munitions factory at West Croakton was destroyed. We've successfully retaken Lily Paddington from the king's robotic forces. And our spies have a good idea of where they plan to strike next.

Around the meeting table in New Wartwood's War Room, the resistance's top lieutenants let out a cheer.

"Hey! Don't get complacent," Sasha interrupted. "We've barely even begun to put a dent in Andri-Ass's forces."

"And if we don't secure a steady source of funding, we never will," added Grime. "Now, in my day, we would just shake down a local frog village, but, ah…" He scanned the glaring faces around him. "I have a sneaking suspicion that wouldn't exactly fly."

"Grime's right," Sasha continued. "The weapon supplies we found in PolliAnna's arsenal aren't going to hold out forever… not to mention food, materials, medical supplies… We're going to have to secure some sort of funding if we want to continue. So I'm throwing the floor open to suggestions."

"Well," suggested Loggle, flexing ostentatiously, "I was thinking of marketing my own line of vitamin supplements…"

"Yes, we get it, you're buff now," Duckweed noted, rolling his eyes. "I was thinking we hold a symposium on the fine arts and charge through the nose for admission."

"Yeah, we're not doing that. Any practical ideas?" Sasha asked.

"What about a legitimate massage parlor?" asked Soggy Joe.

"What is it with you and massages?" wondered Toadstool.

"Anything else?" asked Sasha wearily. "'Cause right now the supplement thing is the best idea on the table."

"Yes! In your face, Duckweed!" Loggle declared.

"I'll in your face you!"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Oi!" Wally interrupted. "You can't fight in 'ere! This is the war room!"

"Wow, he said the thing," Sasha remarked. "Okay I think we've officially hit rock bottom. Let's take a break to recharge our batteries and come up with some good ideas."

"What's a battery?" wondered Mrs Croaker.

The resistance began filing out, looking a bit embarrassed. "Well, that was a load of nothing," remarked Sasha. "Although you guys did a great job on the War Room."

"Oh, yes," agreed Grime. "I'm quite proud of the way it came together."

"Er… Commander Waybright?" asked Wally, lingering by the door. "Might I talk with you in private?"

"Uh, sure…" Sasha acceded, waving Grime on. "What's this about?"

"I might 'ave a suggestion regarding financing the resistance."

Sasha groaned. "This better not be about a hoedown. Or a hootenanny. Or-"

"No, no, nothin' like that. Although I think a barn dance might-"

"Wally!"

"Look, this isn't easy for me. It involves revealing something private, something I'd rather not 'ave anyone 'round her find out about. I'm only revealing this to you because you've earned me trust." He removed his signature hat, allowing surprisingly well-tended locks to cascade forth.

"Whoa," Sasha commented.

"Yeah, I 'ave a regimen," admitted Wally. He produced several pages from within his hat. Sasha immediately recognized them as pages from Anne's notebook. How many people had ripped pages out of there, anyway? "Here… this should explain everything. If you want to act on the information in there, you can, but please… keep me name out of it. I've a lack of reputation to uphold, after all!" From seemingly nowhere, he produced an accordion and began playing. "One-Eyed Wally out! Peace!"

As the town's resident weird hobo exited in typical jaunty fashion, Sasha began to ready. She'd figured that if any Wartwood resident was exactly who they appeared to be, Wally would be the one. What secret could he possibly be hiding?

Chapter 49: Swamp and Sensibility

It started off as just another day on the road.

I was showing Sprig my favorite movie, From Pointe to Poppin', the heartfelt tale of a young teen torn between her mom's ballet ambitions and her own hip-hop dreams, when the Fwagon hit a snag. Bessie's reigns had snapped, and we were pretty much dead in the water until we could get them fixed. There was a town close by, only HP wasn't exactly excited about it since it was Ribbitvale, the single ritziest place in all of Amphibia. Now, I've been to fancy neighborhoods before (since Sasha, y'know, lived in one), but this one had them all beat. It was the kind of place that looked like if you covered it with gold it would actually go down in value. It's like if Brentwood and Beverly Hills had a baby. And then that baby started Microsoft.

We would've probably spent the next several hours gawking at the fancy and not getting the reins fixed (good luck paying for it without selling ourselves into indentured servitude) if we hadn't spotted the last person we ever expected to see around here.

At first I wasn't even sure it was him, but there was no mistaking that one lazy eye. There he was, standing with what was clearly his father, who I learned was Wigbert Ribbiton, the wealthiest frog in all of Amphibia.

One-Eyed Wally was actually Walliam Ribbton, heir to one of the largest fortunes in the world.

"No… flippin'… way…" Sasha muttered to herself.

Wigbert immediately concluded that since "Walliam" recognized us, we must be his servants (and pet beast, grumble grumble) from Wartwood, which did at least get us a free repair job and a stay at the Ribbiton Mansion. I wish I could describe the place, but i I just don't have enough adjectives to do it justice.

[drawing of a giant peacock]

HERE'S A PEACOCK INSTEAD. HE BREEDS THESE.

I felt like I had wandered into one of those period dramas, The Duchess Approves or Printhistle Manor, and that any moment I'd run into the Dowager Baroness or irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire himself.

Although I couldn't help but notice that Wally looked kinda… miserable. Like he wasn't enjoying a second of this, I confronted him later and asked what his whole deal was. Why did he live like a bum in Wartwood when he could be living the highlife? Well, turns out, he actually prefers bathing in public fountains and sleeping in the grubhog sty. Like, go for it, you do you, dude. But he's got the same dilemma as the girl from From Pointe to Poppin'; he's got all these expectations thrust on him and he feels obligated to keep up appearances and hide his true self. It's like, some kind of metaphor if you think about it. For what, I have no idea.

He did let slip that he wished his dad could see how happy living in Wartwood made him. Hmmm… I think I have just enough footage of his endearing hobo antics to put together a quick video presentation for tonight at dinner…

You know how sometimes I do things were I think at the time they'll be brilliant, but it turns out they were really just stupid?

Yeah, Wally's hobo antics were not as endearing as I'd hoped they'd be. Instead of heartfelt, unconditional acceptance, Ol' Wigbert threatened to forbid Wally from ever leaving the estate. Oh, and I also probably should have asked Wally permission before pulling this stunt, because he's really mad at me now.

The long and short of it is, Wally declared an Official Family Challenge (apparently it's not just the Plantars that do that. Instead of Mud Sumo, we're playing something called Beast Polo.

What a mess this turned out to be. I hope there's some way I can make it up to Wally…

Beast Polo, it turns out, is just regular polo but with beasts instead of horses. I didn't actually know anything about regular polo, but I was gonna have to learn. Why? Because I found a way to make it up to Wally… I volunteered to be his beast.

And wow, what a workout! Wigbert may have been old, but he had mad polo skills… I assume, because he scored the first goal before I was even ready.

Speaking of which, what is with this announcer that they hired? He flails around like he's some kind of puppet! He sure has a ton of personality, though. I bet he'd make a great host for, I dunno, some kinda crazy variety show?

Anyway, once I got my bearings I was able to help Wally score the next goal. Still, Wigbert managed to rally, and we almost lost, but at the last second, his shot was wide, and the next thing I know, Wally pulls an accordion out of my hair (I really need to start washing it more often) and uses it to knock the ball into the goal for the win!

So, Wally's now free to live the way he wants, openly, without judgement. And more importantly, he and his dad finally talked things out! Turns out his dad has a bit of a hobo past himself…

We decided to celebrate with an impromptu hoedown, but then one of the peacocks got loose and there was an epic battle. I've never seen a jug used that way! Still, it's nice to not have to leave a place in a hurry for once. We're kinda developing a reputation for trouble…

"So… I think I've come up with an idea," Sasha said at the next meeting.

"Great! I just need to gather a ton of bee pollen…"

"Not the supplements, Loggle. But I think I can get us an outside benefactor. Has anyone here heard of Wigbert Ribbbiton?"

"Wigbert Ribbiton? Owner of Ribbiton's Ribbons, the foremost manufacturer of web crusty floss in Amphibia?" asked Toadstool.

"On the condition that nobody tells me what web crusties are… yeas, that Wigbert Ribbitton. Our, uh, spies, tell us that he's sympathetic to the cause and could be persuaded to help." Sasha risked a glance in Wally's direction, but he gave no signal of recognition at the mention of the name. Must be a better actor than I ever gave him credit for. "Toadstool, Felicia, you'll be with me, since you have experience with sweet-talking rich people, and we'll be bringing Wally along for backup. Dismissed!"

As the group dispersed, Sasha gave a nod to Wally. In return, he, well, didn't wink exactly, but his left eye twitched a bit as if it was trying to wink.

These frogs… she'd completely dismissed them as worthless when she first came here, but they kept on surprising her. They'd even accepted her as one of their own, after she'd given them every reason not to.

Maybe some day, she'd actually be worthy of it.

A.N. Is this the first Amphibia fanfic to quote Dr. Strangelove?

Thanks again to fickleness16 for the framing device idea for this chapter.

MarMarFaAnne: I haven't really given much thought to the timeline, other than that Dipper and Mabel are probably adults or close to it by now, and that King's tide should take pace roughly during Amphibia season 3, though I'm not clear whether before or after Frogvasion.

Jose: Yep, and we've got Gravity Falls next chapter!

Notthenightslayer: If it isn't, it should be!

Next: Wax Museum