66. Every Step of the Way

“W-what?” Waverly stuttered as she stared down at Nicole with wide eyes, completely caught off guard by the question.

The doctor awkwardly cleared his throat. “I’ll give you two some privacy.” He walked out of the room before shutting the door behind him.

It wasn’t that she didn’t hear Nicole, but more so that it was taking her a little bit longer to process the words. When she noticed the look on Nicole’s face at having to repeat herself, Waverly shook her head and gave a wave of her hand in dismissal. “No baby, sorry. You don’t have to ask again. I heard you the first time.” She smiled as Nicole relaxed a little into the hospital bed.

With a gentle pat on the back of Nicole’s hand, Waverly looked around the room. As soon as she spotted her purse, she made her way towards it – holding onto Nicole’s hand for as long as she could until the distance caused it to slip away – and pulled out a small box. She turned around with a grin as she opened it and slightly shook her head in amusement.

“I bought this last week.” She paused and her smile dropped when she realized that what she wanted to say next might not be the best thing to say at the moment. But she wanted Nicole to know; she needed her to know. With a deep breath, she slowly sat on the bed beside the redhead and locked eyes before continuing, “I was going to ask you at Shorty’s that night. I told Dolls to stall because I wasn’t ready yet, so that’s why you both were late. I wanted you to be.”

Nicole felt a wave of relief wash over her. She’d been feeling guilty, like all of this was her fault. If she had only gotten there sooner, maybe none of this would happen. But it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. She was starting to realize that now, even though everything was still a little bit hazy.

“But I was planning on proposing to you.” Waverly pulled the ring out of the box and slid the gold band on Nicole’s finger with a giant grin painted on her face. “That’s a ‘yes’, by the way.” She leaned down and placed a delicate, yet passionate kiss on Nicole’s lips.

“Haught damn! You’re awake!” Wynonna shouted as she barged into the room, followed by Sam, and Doc holding Alice. “I called the rest of the gang. They’re all going to stop by at some point to check in on you.” She narrowed her eyes when she realized she had caught them in mid-kiss. “You two weren’t just about to get frisky, were you? Not that I’m judging, because honestly sex would be the first thing on my mind if I were in a coma for a week…”

Waverly gave her sister a warning look. Sometimes her bluntness was a little inappropriate, and this was definitely one of those times. “She’s still a little weak,” Waverly said while protectively brushing her hand through Nicole’s hair as she glared at her sister.

Nicole initially winced at the words. She hated being referred to as ‘weak’, but she eventually relaxed into the touch, knowing that Waverly meant well.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Sam said as she rushed over to give Nicole a hug. When she earned a small grunt in response, she quickly pulled back. “Sorry, sorry. Too much?”

Nicole slowly shook her head with a small smile, and welcomed her friend back into her arms.

“We’re glad you’re okay too.” Doc said as he walked over with Alice in his arms. “She’s been asking for her Auntie Nicole all week.” He winked as he held Alice out for Nicole to give her a little eskimo kiss followed by an actual kiss on her forehead. After pulling her back against his chest, Doc leaned down to give the redhead a one-armed hug.

Waverly’s heart fluttered at the sound of Doc calling her ‘Auntie Nicole’, when she realized she still hadn’t announced their new status yet. “Oh, that reminds me!” Waverly held Nicole’s hand up to show everyone the ring and practically squealed, “We’re engaged!”

“Finally!” Wynonna exclaimed as she walked over to give both of them a hug before pulling back. “I’m happy for you two. And I’m still going to give you that shovel talk, Haughtpants. So don’t think this whole hospital thing means you’re off the hook.” She pointed a firm finger in Nicole’s direction.

“Can’t wait,” Nicole rasped with a smile and a wink, and Wynonna winked back as she supportively rubbed Nicole’s shoulder.

Nicole looked around the room, listening to everyone engage in casual conversation, as she held tightly onto Waverly’s hand. She never wanted to let her go, and she knew Waverly felt the same. She could tell by how tightly the brunette held on, even while she was preoccupied with telling Wynonna about how Nicole was the one to propose. She smiled and took in a refreshing breath of air as she relaxed her head against her pillow and closed her eyes, allowing the chatter to fade away as she drifted off.

---

One month later

Nicole sat at the kitchen table as she pushed her pancakes around her plate. Her stomach was in pain from not having eaten since Waverly brought her lunch to work the day before, but she just didn’t feel like eating. And if she were being honest, she hadn’t felt like eating since she got out of the hospital. She could tell that she had lost a bit of weight with the way her hips and ribs stuck out a little more, and she could feel her muscles getting weaker every day. But she just didn’t feel like working out, and she definitely didn’t have the energy to stick to a regime.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like the pancakes? I knew I shouldn’t have assumed you would want blueberry.” Waverly internally chastised herself.

“No, they’re great baby.” Nicole smiled weakly in an attempt to reassure her fiancé.

“Still not much of an appetite, huh?” Waverly asked with a sympathetic look, even though it was more like an observation.

Nicole dropped her fork before resting her elbows on the table while rubbing her eyes. She shook her head and released a heavy sigh before dropping her hands on the table. “I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately.”

Waverly reached across the table and held Nicole’s hand. “You’ve been through a lot. I think it’s normal to be a little…off, after an injury like that. And plus with…” She hesitated for a moment before continuing on, “Well, you know. The thing with not being able to have ch—” She was abruptly cut off by the sound of Nicole’s chair roughly scooting across the floor.

“I’m going to be late for work,” Nicole said dryly as she stood up and walked around the table to give Waverly a quick kiss on the cheek, followed by a mumbled, “Love you,” before she was out the door.

Waverly sighed and shook her head before dumping her plate of pancakes onto Nicole’s and wrapping it up to store in the fridge. Suddenly, she didn’t have much of an appetite either.

After rinsing the dishes, she turned off the water and stood over the sink with her palms resting on the counter. Ever since the shooting, everything was different; Nicole was different. She was distant, and she didn’t smile much anymore. What Waverly wouldn’t give to see those captivating dimples again. She couldn’t blame Nicole, though. If anything, she was blaming herself. If she hadn’t have had Dolls stall that night, then he and Nicole would’ve been there before the kid even showed up. All he wanted was for Wynonna to serve him a drink. He looked upset, like he had been through something and just wanted to drown out his sorrows in some vodka. Nicole could’ve easily talked him down, but instead she showed up right in the middle of it all, with no idea what his intentions were. And Waverly felt like it was all because of her. It was because of her that Nicole had gotten shot, and nearly died. In fact, she technically did die a couple of times, and it was a miracle that she had even come back. Waverly could’ve lost Nicole that night, and she couldn’t help but think that in a way, she did lose her. The Nicole she used to know was still lost somewhere, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever get her back.

She shook her head and sighed as she slammed the door of the dishwasher shut before turning it on. After snatching her phone from the kitchen table, she immediately pulled up Wynonna’s contact and curled up on the end of the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest and rubbed her hand up and down the stubble on her legs as she waited for her sister to answer the video chat call.

“Hey baby sis,” Wynonna said in a slightly quiet but chipper voice.

Waverly squinted her eyes at the screen and noticed her sister completely topless with Alice’s head at the bottom of the screen against her chest. “Are you breastfeeding?”

“Yeah,” Wynonna shrugged.

“Why am I not surprised that you would video chat topless while feeding Alice,” Waverly chuckled as she shook her head.

“Hey, you called me, remember?”

“Well you didn’t have to pick up if you were busy.”

Wynonna groaned. “Do you want to talk or not?”

“Yes, I do.” Waverly sighed as she rested her chin on top of her knees. “Nicole is still being weird.”

“She just needs time baby girl.”

Waverly lifted her head and threw her hand up in the air. “Well how much time? It’s been a month. I figured by now she’d be at least somewhat back to normal.”

Wynonna looked at her sister sympathetically. “She went through a traumatic experience. That kind of thing takes a toll on a person, cop or not.”

“I know. But she won’t even talk to me about it. Anytime I bring it up she just shuts down. She needs to talk to somebody, even if that somebody isn’t me.”

“Well have you talked to her yet about maybe seeing a therapist? I know you were wanting to encourage her to do that after how much it’s helped you.”

“I brought it up once and she said she’d think about it, and then she said she had to get to work.” Waverly let out a short laugh. “Seems to be her go-to lately.”

“Just let her do things at her own pace. She’ll come around eventually, but right now she just isn’t ready to talk about it. You have to be patient with her.”

With a sigh, Waverly nodded her head. She knew Wynonna was right, which was why she always called her whenever she got frustrated like this. “You’re right.”

“I know I’m right. I’m always right,” Wynonna said in a cocky tone of voice before changing the subject. “So, what’s on your schedule for today? You have time to stop by at all?”

“I’m seeing my therapist after work today, so maybe after that I can stop by. I need to pick up those last couple of boxes too.”

Wynonna frowned. “That room looks so empty without your stuff in it.”

“Hey, I left the bed!” Waverly exclaimed in defense.

“Yeah, only because Haught’s is better.” Wynonna winked. “Speaking of which, you two made any progress there?”

Waverly shook her head sadly as she rested her chin back down on her knees. “No. She’ll still barely give me more than a peck on the cheek.”

“She’ll get there. You just have to—”

“Be patient, I know,” Waverly snapped. She didn’t want to be patient. She wanted everything to go back to the way it was before. Nicole would barely even let Waverly see her naked. She always changed clothes in the bathroom, and every night she slept in a shirt and shorts. Waverly missed the feeling of the redhead’s bare skin against hers so much. She didn’t want to be selfish, but masturbating just wasn’t enough anymore. She wanted Nicole.

“Right. Be patient with her, just like she was patient with you.” Wynonna gave Waverly a knowing look.

Waverly swallowed thickly. She never truly understood what Nicole had gone through during that time after the Halloween party, until now. Nicole was nothing but supportive, even when Waverly had pushed her away, and Waverly wanted to be exactly that for Nicole. No matter how hard it got, she was going to be whatever her future wife needed her to be.

“I’ll be the most patient,” Waverly said confidently with a nod of determination.

---

As soon as Nicole walked into work that morning, Nedley called her into his office. She walked into the room cautiously before closing the door and sitting down in the chair. She had a bad feeling about this, and if the look on his face was anything to go by, she was right to.

“I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’m going to announce the new sheriff tomorrow.” He looked at her with pursed lips.

Nicole stopped breathing for a few moments, until her burning lungs reminded her that oxygen was a necessity. “Oh?” She said as coolly as she could manage.

“I’m picking Dolls,” Nedley finally said in his typical ‘bad news’ tone of voice.

“Oh.”

The room fell awkwardly silent as Nedley nodded his head a few times while looking down at his desk.

“May I ask why?”

“It’s not that I don’t think you’d be anything short of excellent as sheriff. I just feel like after everything that’s happened, this may not be the best job for you at the moment. It’s just the timing of it, really. You’ve got a lot on your plate already.”

“The doctors say I’m pretty much recovered, sir.”

He waved his hand around. “I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally; emotionally. What you went through was gravely traumatic.”

“And Dolls didn’t? He put a kid in a wheelchair! He hasn’t been able to even touch a gun since!” She winced at the sound of her voice echoing around the room, and realized that her words came out a little more passionately than she had intended.

“I know,” He replied firmly with his clasped hands resting on his desk in front of him. “And that’s pretty traumatic too. But not as traumatic as being shot. Trust me, I know some guys who have taken a bullet. They’re never the same again and they often don’t come back. And even when they do, they realize that it’s too much for them and eventually leave because it’s too much to handle.”

“Well I’m not like those guys. I’m passionate about this job. I wanted to come back to work as soon as I got out of the hospital.”

“I know that—”

“No, I don’t think you do, Nedley.” She shrunk in her chair as she shifted her eyes. “I mean, sir.” After pausing for a moment, she shook her head and sat forward in her chair again. “No, you know what? If you’re going to accuse me of not taking this job seriously after all of the work I’ve put in, then I think I get to call you Nedley.”

He sighed as he leaned back against the chair, inviting her to continue.

“There are two things I’m completely committed to, and that’s Waverly and this job. And yeah, I may have gotten a little shot, but I came back. And I came back ready to work my ass off. I’m not afraid to go out into the field and put myself in the line of fire if that’s what it takes to protect and serve. I’m not afraid of this job, and you know that. So if you want Dolls to take over as sheriff, then fine. But let it be because he’s a better fit for the job, and not just because I’m the one who got shot, or because—” She paused for a moment, debating whether or not to continue, but her frustration eventually took over. “Or because he’s a man.”

Nedley quickly sat up in his chair as he furrowed his brow. “I never said that—”

“But I want to make sure you don’t. You think that it’s going to take longer for me to recover mentally and emotionally because I got shot, and what, you don’t think I can take a hit? Just because you knew some guys who couldn’t and you don’t think I’m as tough as them, so therefore I must not be able to either?” She stood up from the chair and hovered over his desk. “I’m here. I’m the one going out and responding to calls while Dolls chooses to stay behind to do desk work. Why do you think that is?”

He paused for a moment as he relaxed his eyebrows a little.

“I’m ready for this job. I’ve been ready for this job, and I think you know that. Now, I don’t know why you don’t want me to take over, but I’m not just going to stand by and let you give my job to someone else. And I know that’s arrogant to say, but I was unfairly passed by for promotion at my old job and I never fought for myself, and I’m not going to let that happen again. If there’s anything this whole thing has taught me, it’s that life is too short to wait around for things to fall into your lap. You have to go out and get the things you deserve, and that’s what I’m doing. Because I deserve this. So, I highly consider that you reconsider your decision.” She turned on her heels and marched towards the door. Just before she shut it behind her, she peered her head inside the office and added, “Respectfully, sir,” before firmly closing it behind her.

Nedley gave a breathy chuckle as he leaned back in his chair and ran his index finger and thumb through his mustache in thought.

---

“Hey Waverly, come on in,” The therapist said with a welcoming smile as she gestured for the brunette to enter her office. “It’s been a while.”

Waverly plopped down onto the couch. “I know. I’m sorry, I haven’t had much time to come in lately and I’ve just been doing so well and—”

Amy held her hand up to stop the brunette’s rambling. “It’s okay, Waverly. It’s up to you to decide when you want to come into therapy.”

“Right.” She nodded as she shifted her position to get comfortable on the solid gray sofa. “I just feel bad because I know you rely on patients to make a living and all…”

The short-haired brunette narrowed her eyes at Waverly, silently reminding her of what they had worked on in their last session weeks ago.

“Right, right. I have to put myself first sometimes.”

“Exactly.” Her face softened as she relaxed a bit in her chair. “So, what’s been on your mind lately? I remember you mentioned over the phone that you’ve been having some wariness around Nicole lately.”

“Yeah, well…where do I even begin?” Waverly chuckled lightly. “First of all, we’re engaged.” She held the ring up to show Amy, who looked at it with wide eyes.

“Oh, wow. Congratulations!”

“Thank you.” She dropped her hand down with a smile. “We’ve actually moved in together since then. I moved into her house. It started out as me taking care of her after she got out of the hospital, and then we just decided that it made since to move in together. And since Doc and Wynonna are living at the homestead, her house was the obvious choice.” Waverly nodded a few times.

“I see. So, tell me more about this hospital visit?”

“Oh, right.” Waverly smiled awkwardly. “Well, so, I had this plan to propose to Nicole at Shorty’s. But then there was a kid there who demanded that my sister give him some vodka, and pulled out a gun on her. Nicole walked in with her work partner right when he pulled the gun out, and when she told him to drop the gun, he shot her in the abdomen. She had to get surgery, and she was in a coma for about a week. Oh, and she can’t get pregnant.”

Amy slowly nodded as she took in the information. “Well that’s quite a lot for a couple to go through.”

“Yeah, she’s been different ever since.” Waverly sighed as she leaned back into the couch. “She won’t really let me touch her. At least, not like she used to. I mean, we’ll have a heavy makeout session every once in a while, and just when I think it’s going to go somewhere, she pulls away. We haven’t done anything – erm, below the belt, since the shooting.”

“She got injured in a vulnerable place, and she lost a part of her. It’s not like she got shot in the arm or the leg, she got shot in the abdomen. And then she lost a part of her reproductive system. I mean, I’m assuming that’s what you mean by she can’t get pregnant…”

Waverly nodded.

“It makes sense that she would be cautious about anyone touching her anywhere close to that area, even you.”

“I mean, I do get that. But it’s not just that she won’t let me touch her, but she won’t even talk to me about it. Whenever I try to bring it up, she either changes the subject or makes a quick exit. And I know I’m not the only one she pushes away. I understand if she doesn’t want to talk to me, but she really needs to talk to someone. She really needs to speak with a therapist.”

Amy nodded as a small smile formed on her face. She crossed her right leg over her left knee as she rested her hands on her lap. “And how long was she saying that to you before you decided that you were ready to talk to a therapist?”

Waverly sunk down into the couch as she folded her arms across her chest. “A while.”

“Mhm. And how did you react when she first suggested that you talk to someone about your personal experiences?”

Waverly shrugged as she picked at the hem of her cream-colored cardigan before mumbling, “I said that didn’t really feel like sharing my personal experiences with a random stranger, and then I went the entire day without talking to her.”

Amy nodded as she looked at Waverly with soft, blue eyes. “I know how much you want her to be okay. But she went through a very traumatic experience. That sort of thing takes some time to heal from. All you can do is be patient with her and be there for her however she needs you to be. She’ll talk about it when she’s ready, but for now she’s probably just still trying to process it all; not only the memory of being shot and waking up from being in a coma, but also the huge change to her body. Give her time.”

With a breathy chuckle, Waverly shook her head in amusement. “You sound like my sister.”

“Well she sounds like a wise person.” Amy smiled.

“She is, sometimes.” Waverly nodded.

Amy wrote down a couple of things in her notepad before looking back up at Waverly. “So, how are you doing with all of this? Seems like we’ve only really talked about Nicole. But it must have been traumatic for you too, watching her get shot like that.”

Waverly forced a smile and nodded as tears began to fill her eyes. She quickly dropped her smile when she realized that she didn’t have to pretend to be okay here. She was allowed to be upset about it, whereas around Nicole she felt selfish anytime she got upset, since she wasn’t the one who got shot. And so most of the time she held it in. “I thought she was going to die. I thought that I was never going to see her again and that her lying on the floor, so lifeless and bleeding out, was the last memory that I was going to have of her.” She wiped the sleeve of her cardigan across her cheeks before Amy handed her a box of tissues from her desk, which she took gratefully before adding, “And it was my fault.”

“And why do you think that?”

“I don’t think that, I know that. She was supposed to be there at 8. She’s always punctual, it’s one of the things I love about her. But I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t done practicing my whole speech of how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So I told Dolls to stall because I had gotten there later than I had planned.”

“And Dolls is…” She looked at Waverly expectantly, waiting for her to fill in the blank.

“Her partner.”

“Right.” Amy nodded.

“And because of me, they were twenty minutes late, and showed up right when that kid pulled out a gun. If she had been there before, when I had planned for her to be there, then she would’ve understood the situation and she would’ve been able to talk him down. I mean, he might not have even pulled the gun out in the first place with two cops there sitting at the bar. Everything would’ve been different, and this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I had a plan, and I didn’t stick to it. And now everything is all messed up. We’re supposed to be planning a wedding and anytime I bring that up she just says ‘whatever you want’ and it just makes me feel like maybe she doesn’t even want to marry me anymore.” She balled her fists, digging her nails into the flesh of her palms. “See, this is why I always stick to the plan. Anytime I get off track, things go wrong.” She shook her head as she rested her face in her hands. “This is all my fault. I ruined it.”

“Waverly, look at me.”

She sniffled as she lifted her head to look at Amy with red, puffy eyes.

“This is not your fault. This is just something that happened. You can’t always control what’s going to happen in life, and you certainly can’t always predict it. You can’t place the blame on yourself for this, or else you’ll only drive yourself mad wondering what you could’ve done differently. Thinking about the past won’t fix it. You have to focus on the present and shift your energy towards focusing on how you and Nicole are going to get through this together. Try telling her how you feel. Maybe she’s not ready to talk yet, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not ready to listen. So, open up the dialogue by sharing your feelings about everything, including your engagement. Let her know that she doesn’t have to talk, but that you want to talk to her. Maybe she’ll give you something back, and maybe she won’t. But maybe if you let her in a little, she’ll let you in some too.”

Waverly let all of the air out of her lungs through her mouth as she nodded. The wheels were already turning in her head – she was going to make a romantic meal for when Nicole got off work, and then she was going to bring up the conversation. And hopefully, things would start to get better.

---

Waverly poured two glasses of water before setting them both down in front of her plate and Nicole’s.

“This looks really good. Thank you babe,” Nicole said with a smile as she reached for Waverly’s hand and brought it up to her lips for a sweet kiss.

Waverly beamed at the action – An action that Nicole used to do all the time, but not as much anymore. So whenever those small, intimate moments did happen, Waverly relished them.

“How was work today?” Waverly asked, trying to hide her hesitation. These days, asking about work was a sore subject, but she still wanted to check in to make sure everything was going okay.

Nicole pursed her lips as she thought back to her conversation with Nedley about picking Dolls for Sheriff. She thought about bringing it up, but didn’t want to give Waverly another reason to be disappointed. The brunette had been excited about her getting the promotion, constantly saying that she was a shoo-in for the job, and having to tell Waverly that she wasn’t good enough was just something that she wasn’t ready to deal with yet.

“It was fine,” Nicole said shortly before taking a small bite of quinoa. She didn’t really have much of an appetite, but she didn’t want to waste the food Waverly had clearly spent a lot of time making. “Sam stopped by today asking if we could help her move into her new apartment this weekend.” She hoped that Waverly would accept the change of subject, since she didn’t really feel like talking about herself. She didn’t mind talking about others, but talking about herself was too much right now.

Waverly nodded, taking the hint. “Yeah, we don’t have any plans so that should be fine.” She smiled.

“Cool. I’ll let her know that we’ll be there.” Nicole nodded with a smile that was somehow even smaller than Waverly’s. She waited for the brunette to reply, but instead silence just filled the room. Normally silence between the two of them was comfortable, but this kind of silence made Nicole nervous, seeing as how it was an invitation for Waverly to ask her more about work, so she decided to change the subject to Waverly just in case. “How was your day today?”

“It was good,” Waverly nodded. She paused for a moment before continuing, “I saw my therapist today.”

Nicole stilled her movements as guilt and apprehension washed over her. Guilt because she knew that she was the reason Waverly needed to see her therapist, and apprehension because she had a feeling that Waverly was going to try to push her into talking about it when she still wasn’t ready yet. She swallowed thickly and slowly nodded as she continued to look down at her plate. “Oh?” Her voice lifted up slightly at the end in an attempt to sound intrigued and hide her uneasiness.

“Yeah,” Waverly nodded.

“Well uh, what did you talk about?” Nicole immediately regretted that question, seeing as she just opened a door she was constantly trying to keep shut. But it just sort of came out as a reflex.

Waverly, however, had hoped that Nicole would ask that. It was her plan to start up the conversation and share her feelings with Nicole, just like Amy had encouraged her to. But just when she was about to reply, Nicole held up a hand, effectively cutting her off.

“Actually, it’s okay. You don’t have to answer that. I know that’s a private thing.”

With a shake of her head, Waverly quickly replied, “No, I want to tell you. I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while, actually…”

Nicole looked at the brunette with curiosity before setting her fork down and giving her full attention.

“I know this whole thing has been a lot on you, and that’s completely understandable,” Waverly began as she nervously picked at her nails. She was afraid that this conversation might trigger Nicole in some way, but she knew it had to be said. She couldn’t keep her feelings in any longer. She looked up into Nicole’s eyes and continued. “But it’s been a lot for me too. You’ve just been so distant lately, and it makes me feel like maybe you don’t want to marry me anymore.”

“I do want to marry you!” Nicole reassured with wide eyes. “Waverly, I love you so much.”

Waverly shrugged. “Well, it doesn’t really feel like it. All you do is push me away.”

Nicole sighed as she slumped in her seat a little. “I just don’t like to talk about it.”

“Bottling it all up inside isn’t good, Nicole. It’s not going to help you. And it’s not going to help our relationship.” Waverly’s voice was a bit firmer now, but still had some tenderness to it.

“Look, I’ll talk about it eventually. I’ll even go see a therapist if that’s what you want, but I’m not ready yet.”

“I don’t want you to see a therapist because it’s what I want, I want you to do it because a professional is going to know how to help you best. Not just with getting shot but with the doctors removing your—” She froze as soon as she saw the hurt in Nicole’s eyes.

This was exactly what Waverly was wanting to avoid. She hadn’t planned on bringing up the part where Nicole had to get a partial hysterectomy due to the severity of the wound. The doctors tried to figure out a way to save it and keep her alive, but there was no way to do so. And with Nicole’s parents not answering their phones, Waverly was the one to make the decision, telling them to do whatever it took to save Nicole’s life. She wasn’t thinking about the lasting consequences; only about Nicole being alive. Now she wondered if she made the right decision. When Nicole found out about it, she reassured Waverly that it’s what she would’ve wanted, but Waverly still felt a little selfish for only thinking about keeping Nicole in her life and not about her never being able to carry a child. They’d never even really talked about Nicole getting pregnant before; only Waverly. She wasn’t sure if it was something the redhead ever wanted, but she certainly wasn’t going to ask now.

“I’m sorry.” Waverly said quietly after a moment of internal reflection.

“It’s okay.” Nicole said back in the same quiet tone. “I’m going to go take a shower.” She scooted her chair back and walked towards the stairs with slow, tired movements.

“Do you want me to join you?” Waverly asked with obvious hope in her voice. But as soon as Nicole let out a sigh, Waverly knew what the answer was. Her face dropped and she shook her head. “It’s fine. I need to unpack those boxes I picked up from Wynonna’s anyways.”

Nicole pursed her lips and nodded, knowing full well that she had disappointed Waverly, yet again. She could feel it – she wasn’t stupid. She knew that she wasn’t being the best fiancé right now, but she couldn’t help it. Usually she was good at turning off her feelings, especially with the type of job she had. It was a skill that she found to be very useful. But she had no control over her emotions towards this. This was something that went deeper than just being upset about something. It’s not like she had this desire to ever get pregnant anyways, but the fact that the choice was ripped away from her was almost too much to bear. She felt like a part of her was missing, and she had no idea how to fill in that gap. She felt a bit empty, and she knew that there was nothing that Waverly could say to fix that. So she continued to keep it to herself. The last thing she wanted was to burden Waverly; she loved her too much for that.

With heavy footsteps, Nicole trudged up the stairs with her fingers lightly trailing over her scar. She felt the tears begin to form in her eyes, but desperately held them in until she was alone. She didn’t want Waverly to see her like this. She didn’t want her to worry, and to make a fuss, because she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. She wanted to hold in that pain and keep it all to herself for just a little bit longer, because letting it out into the world would make it more real.

As soon as she reached the bathroom, she shut the door behind her and fell to the floor with her back against the door as she let the sobs take over.

Waverly quietly entered the room to check on Nicole, but when she heard the sound of the redhead crying, she gently rested her forehead on the door with both palms flat on either side as she slowly rolled her head back and forth across the wood. She desperately wanted to just burst in there and hold Nicole to let her know that everything was going to be okay, but she knew that she couldn’t. It would only make things worse. So instead, she sat with her back against the door, opposite of Nicole, and waited there with her – unbeknownst to Nicole – until she heard the water running. She knew that this was something that was going to take some time, and Waverly was going to be there for Nicole every step of the way, no matter what it took.