388. Usog ~Gumball's Magically Sick~

"Ew!" yelled Patrick, as he stares at the broccoli.

"Patrick, eat the Sea Broccoli," said Spongebob. "It's good for you."

"No! I don't wanna!" yelled Patrick.

"I'll give you a treat!" smiled Spongebob.

"Oh, boy! More soap!" Patrick bites into the broccoli. 

"What the hell is Filipino Day?" asked Gumball, walking into the room. "Ew. Broccoli."

"Broccoli is amazing," said Josuke.

"Filipinos..." Gumball shook his head in disgust. "Anyways, what's Filipino Day."

Everyone is sitting by the couch. Spongebob and Patrick, however, eat at the dinner table.

"Oh! You see, in my Universe, we were colonized by the Spaniards then the Americans. But, unlike with Mr. Reaper's Universe, when the Japanese got to us, it remained an Empire until today. The Philippines in our world is considered Japanese Imperial territory, even though our Empire is parliamentary. Our family, the JoJo Family, usurped the original Dynasty of Hito and killed all of them as we inserted ourselves into the mix!"

"Oh, right! The Aswangs' plan in both Universes is that they kill off the current leader of the Philippines then, after usurping the royal family, the Aswangs begin an Empire and then rule the world! Right?" smiled Darwin.

"Yep!" smiled Josuke. "My father, Arthur B. JoJo, ended up becoming part of the royal family and my ancestor, Kars, was the head. We were relatively peaceful rulers compared to Mr. Reaper's world's version of Lolo Kars. But y'know..."

*ZOOM!!! ZOOM!!! ZOOM!!!*

*HISS!!!*

Josuke smiles as his eyes blankly stared out of trauma.

"Blah blah blah... Boring History Lessons..." said Gumball.

"So... we're celebrating Filipino Day by going to the festival hosted downtown?" asked Patrick.

"Yeah! Lolo Kars established the holiday to remember that Filipinos' culture and history MATTER!!!"

Later...

They're the only ones at the festival.

"Oh... wow..." said Josuke. 

The group sees that the booths are only hosted by one person.

"Hey hey hey!" smiled a man wearing a tailed tuxedo, a black top hat, black shoes, and black sunglasses. It's the Rat King from the previous Parts. "Hello everybody!"

"Simoun!? Why are you here!?" asked Josuke. 

"I am the Rat King! Who's Simoun JoJo!? Sounds gay!" smiled the Rat King. "I host this year's festival! Ube Jam?" Rat King offers them a jar of ube.

"I didn't say 'JoJo,'" said Josuke.

"Fuck you!" smiled Rat King.

"You're a scammer, right?" asked Josuke.

Rat King squints his eyes in rage but continues to smile creepily.

"Y'know... I guess we would step away from this year's festival," smiled Josuke. Josuke bows his head. "Come on, guys," he spoke, sadly.

Rat King gave him a disgusted look.

Later...

Josuke felt like vomiting while walking home with the others.

"You okay?" asked Jake.

"I dunno... I feel sick," said Josuke. 

"Should we go to the doctor?" asked Darwin.

Spongebob is already wearing a face mask and gloves. 

The group looks at Spongebob.

"What?" asked Spongebob. "I don't wanna have what he's having."

Later... at Princess Bubblegum's Office...

"Nothing is wrong with you," said PB.

Patrick is shown to be eating broccoli on top of Finn's head. The rest are just standing around.

"What!?" asked Josuke. "There has to be! I feel lightheaded and I vomited five times in the bathroom!"

"Yeah. And thank you, Spongebob, for helping us out with that," smiled Princess Bubblegum.

"Aye, aye, Princess!" Spongebob saluted, wearing a face mask and rubber gloves.

"We~ell..." said Princess Bubblegum. "It could be supernatural."

"I thought you didn't believe in hey-hey magic," said Finn. "You said that it was blooby looby and pigstocks."

"Yeah. You even almost started a war with wizards because of that," said Jake.

"Yeah... But after meeting Miguel, Miguel, and Miguel... I kinda believe in God, now," said PB. 

"*GASP!!!*" yelled Josuke. "It must be Usog!"

"Usog?" asked Patrick.

"The belief of one's negative energy making another ill," said Josuke. "I feel lightheaded and I can't breathe... That must be it!"

"Pbbt," said Gumball.

Everyone turns to Gumball.

"What!?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"'Pbbt.' What does 'pbbt' mean?" asked Josuke.

"I mean that Usog is one of those phony-baloney stuff natives believe in," said Gumball. "Y'know! Like if you make a neighborhood in a native village's graveyard."

"First of all, that's racist because that's a belief of natives, yes, but a belief of Native Americans... Second of all, Gumball, it's rude to call my people's beliefs phony-baloney."

"Come on! Millennial Filipinos don't believe in it! Why should we!?" asked Gumball.

"Uh... Because you wield a powerful force called a Stand that not even science could explain?" asked Josuke.

"Psh! Radio waves?" asked Gumball.

"So, you're saying that the things we've been fighting four our lives with can be substituted by that stupid brick in your pocket you call a phone?" asked Josuke, angrily squinting at Gumball.

"Duh," said Gumball.

"You're really not one to talk," said Darwin. 

"Darwin! I'm a very scientific person!" yelled Gumball.

"No... Anais is. You were the one in our family who kept trying to feed me your homework because I was quote-unquote, 'practically my dog,'" Darwin sighs.

"Whatever!" Gumball crossed his arms. "Usog isn't real and you need medical-..."

"Hey! I'm cured!" smiled Josuke. "I did what Mom used to do! Slide my hand on my foot from heel to toe then slide my hands to the scalp front to back. Then do that twice more!"

Everyone cheered for Josuke's victory, except for Gumball, who merely squinted his eyes. 

Meanwhile...

*snore... snore...*

Spongebob and Patrick slept in their giant fish tank.

*snore...* "Broccoli..." whispered Patrick. "Top of the morning... to you... E equals M-C squared... Every action has an opposite reaction... *snore...* The moon landing never happened... *snore...* Golb sucks Spatio-temporal dick... *snore...* Bill Cipher sucks dick of the 2nd Dimension... *snore...* Darkseid sucks all dick simultaneously... *snore...* Thanos... Thanos is alright. *snore...* Inevitable... *snore...*"

An eye pops out from the tank's wall and squints at Patrick.

Josuke slept wearing his pajamas and eye mask in his room. "Mr. Reaper... Are you seducing me?" Josuke giggles and rolls to the pillow next to him and uses his legs to tightly hug the pillow.

Finn and Jake slept in bunk beds in their own room. 

Jake opens his eyes.

"Hey, Finn..." said Jake. "Shouldn't you be sleeping in your own house with your wife and children?"

"You make it sound easy," said Finn. "Didn't you live with me instead of Lady and the kids?"

Jake sighs and goes back to sleep. "Touche."

Gumball slept in his own bed while Darwin slept in his giant fish tank.

Gumball, however, had trouble breathing and was shaking and rolling around all night.

He was moaning and groaning in pain.

"Oh, God... Would you please be quiet? Carrie's about to take off her ghost clothes," said Darwin. "Alright. She did it... Now, I will." Darwin takes off his shoes in his sleep.

Gumball went back to sleep.

"*GASP!!!*" Gumball wakes up, drooling in the middle of the night. He stands up. He puts his face over Darwin's fish tank and-...

"BLEAUGH!!!"

*SPLAT!!!*

"Ugh! Gross!!!" yelled Darwin. "What is-!? OH... OH, GOD!!!"

"Yippie Kay Yay," said Gumball. "Your dream's ruined. Or more realistic. Whatever your kink is. Ain't kink-shaming you."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!"

Later...

"Nothing's wrong with you," said PB. The Jazz Fusion is with Gumball. "And thank you, Spongebob, again for cleaning the toilet."

Spongebob salutes PB. "I'm a janitor first and a jellyfisher second and a manager third. Also a friend."

Patrick is still eating Sea Broccoli. 

"Why are you eating that stuff?" asked PB.

"It's Sea Broccoli," said Patrick.

"Okay?" asked PB.

The rest are just standing around. Finn is poking Jake. Jake is poking Finn back. Darwin is reading "Lady's Choice Magazine." Josuke is buttoning and unbuttoning his jacket.

"You guys are weird," said PB.

Baby Peppermint Butler sighs as he walks out of the bathroom pushing a cart full of cleaning materials. "I just can't do anything around here! Screw you, Sponge Bill!" Peppermint Butler makes ambulance noises and runs away pushing the cart full of cleaning materials.

"It's Spongebob..." smiled Spongebob. "Bye Peppermint Butler!"

"Fuck yourself, plebe!"

"Hm..."

"So!? What the what is wrong with me!?" asked Gumball.

"Usog. Same with Josuke yesterday," said PB.

"Pbbt!" scoffed Gumball.

"Just do what I did yesterday with the feet and scalp," said Josuke.

"HA!!! NO, WAY!!! EITHER I'LL FIGURE OUT WHAT DISEASE THIS IS BEFORE I CURE MYSELF OR PROVE THAT YOU'RE A GULLIBLE DWEEB THEN CURE MYSELF!!!" yelled Gumball. "Time to ask the smartest person we know!" Gumball stands up and runs away. "OH, GOD!!! BATHROOM!!! BATH-!!! BLEUGH!!!"

*SPLAT!!!*

"On it!" smiled Spongebob, as he ran to the scene.

"Screw you, cheese-headed prick! I'll get there first!" yelled Peppermint Butler.

"Hey, Finn. Am I not the smartest person you know?" asked Princess Bubblegum.

"Oh, come on, Peebles! You'll always have a special place in our hearts!" smiled Finn.

Princess Bubblegum turned slightly red and brushed her gum hair behind her makeshift ears.

"How are you doing that without having ears?" asked Jake.

"Easy," said Patrick. "You stick something in the soundhole." He then points at her with two gunner fingers and sneers. "*click click!*"

"Get out of my office, Patrick," said Bubblegum.

"Okie Dokie," said Patrick, as he turns to the door and leaves. "Forgive me for my rudeness."

"That's the first time he understood what the concept of firsthand embarrassment is," said Darwin.

"Strange..." said Josuke. "It's almost like he got smarter..."

"Hey, look! Tapioca!" Patrick eats the vomit off the floor.

"Never mind," said Finn.

"Patrick's the reason why all sentient beings will be killed by apes with machine guns on horseback in a roundabout 10 years," said Darwin. "Or in this case, nematodes?"

"That's racist," said Spongebob.

"Thanks, Peebles!" smiled Finn.

"Yeah. Thanks," smiled Josuke.

The Jazz Fusion left the office.

Later...

"Oh, Holy Great One..." Gumball knelt in a field somewhere out of town along with the Jazz Fusion. "Tell me what illness I have! *GAG!!!*"

Patrick now has muscles while eating broccoli.

"Whoa. Nice gains," said Finn.

"Thanks, bruh," said Patrick. "*CRUNCH!!!*"

They are speaking with Rick. Rick is sunbathing on a foldable chair in the field, holding a sun reflector and wearing sunglasses and red underwear.

"Did the doctor say that nothing's wrong with you?" asked Rick.

"Yeah!" yelled Gumball.

"Usog," said Rick.

"What the what!? But you said you don't believe in superstitions!"

"Yes. Fifteen years ago. Until I met Miguel JoJo who practically kidnapped me when I was also sunbathing in Sarbaceus 9. Pretty much like what I'm doing right now and the way you're holding me captive with stupid questions about superstition while also being in the state of a superstition. Now, scram."

"You can sunbathe at your age?" asked Josuke.

"How old even are you?" asked Darwin.

"86. But I technically never age," said Rick.

"Ha! You're old!" laughed Patrick.

"And you're re******," said Rick.

"Hahahaha!" laughed Patrick. "I agree with that inference! Did you know that your Portal Gun's formula is-!?"

Rick covers his tiny mouth with his finger. "How did you-?" Rick is stopped by Gumball.

"Wait! What do I have!?" asked Gumball.

"Go away. You have Usog," said Rick.

"You're a false god!" yelled Gumball.

"What is he on about?" asked Rick, removing his sunglasses.

"He thought you were serious when you called yourself God in last New Year's Eve Party," said Darwin.

"I was," said Rick, putting his sunglasses back on. "Now, scram."

The Jazz Fusion walks away.

A cop approaches Rick. "Yo. You aren't supposed to sunbathe here. This is a kid's park. You're scaring the children and making the middle-schoolers either laugh at you or get confused with the sexual energy of your body."

Rick takes out a freeze-ray gun and freezes the officer as the children and parents in the park run away, screaming.

"Bureaucrats..." Rick shook his head.

Later...

"Usog," said Morty. "W-w-what's that?"

Morty is cleaning the bar table with a white towel at a very fancy restaurant, Antonio Trussardini's restaurant.

Before him is the Jazz Fusion. All of them silently stare while Patrick eats broccoli.

"A divine force that makes you magically ill by transferring negative energy through sight. This usually happens when a dude squints at you in a bad way," said Josuke.

"Oh. W-w-what did the doctors say?" asked Morty.

"That I-... *gag!!!* Nothing's wrong with *burp...* me..." Gumball dizzily tries to stand up.

"Oh. Then it's probably that w-w-weird magic thing," said Morty.

"What the-... *GAG...* What!? No... It's... *GAG...* Not!" Gumball dizzily tries to steady himself.

"If y-y-you will puke on my bar, I swear to God I will k-kick the shit out of you," said Morty.

"Don't worry about it. I've got it covered," said Spongebob.

"Why? You get underpaid?" asked Gumball.

"No. B-b-b-because I just cleaned this bar and if he even so much spits on the bar, I'll use a sponge for cleaning," said Morty.

"Sponge!? Bahahahaha!!! Where would you get a-? Oh. Let's go," said Spongebob.

The Jazz Fusion escort Gumball out of the restaurant.

Later...

"I think it's Usog," said Gabrielle. "Nice gains, Patrick."

"Why thank you," said Patrick, as he eats more broccoli. "Nice 'gains,' as well, Detective JoJo."

"Thank you!" blushed Gabrielle.

"What the what!?" asked Gumball.

"Well, duh... I grew up in the JoJo household. What else answer do you expect should I give you!?" asked Gabrielle. "WHAT!?"

Gabrielle grabs Gumball by the neck and begins to woge into an Aswang.

Narcos sighs. "Gabe... Breathe..."

"Right..." Gabrielle inhales and exhales. "Sorry. Hormones... I just had a baby and I'm paying for every collateral damage we've caused. You'd think a girl won't go cray-cray! Aha!" She drops Gumball. "Why'd you come to me, anyway?"

"Eastern medicine," said Gumball. "Because you're Asian."

"THAT'S RACIST!!!" Gabrielle strangled Gumball again.

"Congratulations on the baby..." Gumball trembled.

Gabrielle drops Gumball. "Aw! Thanks!"

"No... Thank you..." Gumball said as he vomits on the floor.

"Damn it! NARCOS!!! Clean this up! It's your turn!" yelled Gabrielle.

"Fine!" yelled Narcos. "But you gotta tell me what happens next in the show I'm watching!"

"Uh... Rewinding!? It's in a streaming service!?" asked Gabrielle.

"But the remote's all the way on the TV!!!" yelled Narcos.

"NO REWINDING!!!" yelled Miguel.

"You won't watch it, anyway, Miguel!!!" yelled Gabrielle.

"Still! Ruins the time stamp!" yelled Miguel.

"Then stop using our account!" yelled Gabrielle.

"Nah."

"I've got it covered, Narcos!" smiled Spongebob.

Josuke buttons and unbuttons his shirt.

"Thanks, man!" smiled Narcos. "Hey," said Narcos, pointing to Josuke's jacket. "Is that a button?"

Later...

Josuke, now having lost his button, struggles to button up his hood. "Ugh!"

"Why'd you trade your jacket's button for a pocket watch?" asked Josuke.

"Because the pocket watch was from Mt. Banahaw!" yelled Josuke.

Patrick keeps eating broccoli while doing sit-ups on Josuke's head.

The Jazz Fusion is now in the Bandage Doctor's hospital room. He's a humanoid bandage that is a doctor, or a humanoid doctor that is a bandage.

"Nothing's wrong with you," said the Bandage Doctor.

"COME ON!!! So, what!? You believe in the superstition, 'Usog'!? What the heck is wrong with you people!?" asked Gumball.

"I actually don't. But I believe that it's a form of psycho-illness."

"What!? You're calling me crazy!?" asked Gumball.

"I'm just suggesting that if there are no other ways to cure your illness, try giving the ritual a whirl," said Bandage Doctor.

Later...

Doctor Gilliam, a purple fish wearing a doctor's outfit, checks Gumball up underwater. He is about a foot tall while Gumball wears a diver suit along with the other mammalian Jazz Fusioneers while getting a check-up.

"Yep! There is quite nothing wrong with you," said Doctor Gill.

"What the what!?" asked Gumball.

"That phrase has lost its meaning," said Darwin. "Just take THE FUCKING RITUAL YOU LITTLE-!!!"

"Someone once said that doing something over and over again thinking the results will be different is called insanity," said Patrick.

Everyone turns to Patrick, shocked.

"How do you know that quote?" asked Josuke.

"How do you not? Psh... Simpleton..." said Patrick, as he eats the broccoli. "How do you not know such an easy truth? I'm among a plethora of halfwits."

"Oh, my God," said Darwin. "The broccoli must have made Patrick smarter!"

"I concur," said Patrick. "Now, fetch me more Sea Broccoli through the great Food Panda!"

Later...

Gumball sighs as he laid in bed, sickly as ever. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Time to use my Stand... WEIRD LIKE U.N. ME!!! INCREASE THE LUCK OF MY HEAD NO LONGER ACHING!!!"

Nothing happens.

"Alright. I give up," said Gumball. "Kill me. Right here..." Gumball bows his head and offers his neck.

Darwin smiles and grabs Finn's sword, preparing to chop it off.

"DUDE!!!" yelled everyone else.

"I was kidding!" Darwin rolls his eyes. "You alright, Gumball?" asked Darwin.

"Of course not! I'm dying!" yelled Gumball.

"You're not dying. You're just too stupid to realize that all you need to do is do what JOSUKE SAID!!! DO IT!!! DO THE RITUAL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT WACKADOODLE!!! DO IT, OR I'LL DROWN YOU IN MY OWN FISHBOWL!!! WE DIDN'T GET A HIRE FOR TODAY BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID DISEASE!!! DO IT!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"NeVeR..." Gumball began to gag. "I'd rather die to this."

"Actually, if this worsens, this would go on for the rest of your life," said Josuke. "You won't really die... You would just stay in this state until you die of old age. It also makes you less attractive in sex-..."

"Okay... Let's do this..." Gumball stands up and does the ritual. He rubs his foot heel to toe then his scalp front to back over and over. "IT WORKED!!! BLEUGH!!!"

*SPLAT!!!*

"No, it didn't..." said Gumball.

"Oh, no!" yelled Josuke. "You waited too long. You have to do a different ritual!"

"Which is!?" asked Gumball.

"I... do not know!" smiled Josuke.

Gumball begins to cry. "I'm never gonna get laid again..."

"Erroneous!!!" yelled Patrick. Patrick floated before Gumball. He now has his brain popped out of his head and a muscular buff as shit body and now looks rather cursed.

"How is he-? How is he doing that?" asked Gumball. "Is anyone else seeing this or did the curse get worse?"

Everyone in the group either nods or shrugs.

"I must say! I've spoken to Bill Cipher from the Heavens via my telepathic brainwaves!" yelled Patrick. 

"Bill!?" asked Josuke.

"Eureka!" yelled Patrick. "You must take the saliva of the one who had committed the unholy offense and then you cross crucifixes on one's torso!"

"What?" asked Gumball.

"He means to put someone's saliva in a crucifix form on your belly," said Josuke.

"Ew! Hell no!" yelled Gumball. "What if it's a hobo!?"

"Wait!" sighed Josuke. "It... It was me..."

"WHAT!?" asked everyone.

Gumball takes out a knife from the drawer using his Stand, Weird Like U.N. Me, then holds the knife up to Josuke's neck. "Why!?" he hissed psychotically.

"Because you were rude and racist... No... Actually... You're always rude and racist. Gumball, you can't have two minutes without you saying a racial stereotype!"

"Where'd you get that idea? From your local call center?" asked Gumball, chuckling.

"Dude!" sighed Josuke. "Gumball... Just, please! I know what I did was wrong, but at least understand that I was doing it out of retributive justice. Oh, dear God... that stands against everything I used to believe in..." he sighed.

"Okay... So... Shall we?" asked Gumball.

"Not until you say, 'Sorry,'" said Josuke.

"Fine! *Gag!* I'm sorry!"

"Okay... Sorry, too..."

"O-Okay... this isn't gonna be weird or anything, right?" asked Josuke.

"Yeah... buddy..." said Gumball.

"Ugh!" Josuke turned red. "Don't call me like that!"

"Okay!" 

"Okay!"

"Yeah!"

"Uh-huh!"

*lick....* Josuke slowly licks his thumb then draws a cross on Gumball's furry body.

Gumball moans, "Kya!"

Josuke pulls away. "Do you want to be cured or not?" asked Josuke.

"Yes!"

Josuke sighs and does several crosses.

"If this doesn't work, you have to do it with your tongue," said Patrick.

Josuke and Gumball stare at Patrick with disgust.

"I am not doing that," said Josuke.

"Do it," said Patrick. "Do it! Do it! Do it!"

Everyone else joins in. "Do it! Do it! Do it!"

"FINE!!!" yelled Josuke. "Mmph!"

"Don't you make that noise!" yelled Gumball blushing. "KYA!!!"

Miguel mutters something that sounds like, "Look who's talking!"

"Oh, God," said Gumball. "I feel... so much better! Wow!"

Josuke doesn't stop.

"Get off of me," said Gumball. "GET OFF!!!"

Josuke pulls away. "Sorry."

"Jesus Christ," said Gumball. "You even lick like the quiet kid."

"That's because I learned to lick pussies like you very well."

"Your dick's the size of a tictac."

"That's why Joe Mama's asshole smells so good."

"Dude... My Mom would kill you for that."

Josuke bows his head. "I know."

"You're welcome, my frivolous confidants! Now, I shall rule the Tri-State Area with my incredible genius!" smiled Patrick. Patrick goes crucifix mode and flies in a T-Pose into the city. "I must assert dominance upon this unruly world!"

"Spongebob? Where did you get those Sea Broccolis?" asked Finn.

"Here," said Spongebob, taking an unlabeled bag of stuff to Josuke.

"Spongebob, this is Mr. Reaper's fresh pack of Actinium," said Josuke.

"BOW BEFORE ME!!!" yelled Cursed Psychic Patrick, blasting fucking laser beams from his brains and killing some Fluffy People.

"Should we do something about that?" asked Gumball. He turns behind him and sees that they're already gone and fighting off Cursed Psychic Buff Patrick.