470. Getting Old ~Fetal Attraction~

Bill begins playing the piano in the second dimension.

"We'll meet again,Don't know where. Don't know when.But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day."

The Collector sits next to him and joins in the singing and playing.

The Collector sings along."So will you please say, 'Hello?'To the folks that I know.Tell them I won't be long.They'll be happy to know.That as you saw me go.I was singing this song."

They both sang."We'll meet again,Don't know where. Don't know when.But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

We'll meet again,Don't know where. Don't know when.But I know we'll meet again some sunny day."

"Keep smiling throughJust like you always do,'Til the blue skiesDrive the dark clouds far away," sang Bill.

"So will you please say HelloTo the folks that I know.Tell them I won't be long.They'll be happy to knowThat as you saw me go,I was singin' this song," sang a black orb next to them with several creepy orange eyes and protruding horns all over it.

"Great job, Darcy, Buddy!" cackled Bill. "Ngah Hahahahahahahaha!"

The Collector sings the final bit."We'll meet again,Don't know where. Don't know when.

But I know we'll meet again some sunny day."

Bill cackles. "AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The Collector chortles. "Ngeheheh! *snort!* Ngeheheheheheheheheh!!!"

Darcy, still having Marcy's voice despite being just a spirit of their former self, cackles. "Heheheheheheheheheh..."

"AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Ngeheh! *snort!* Ngeheheheheheheheheheheheheheh..."

They all stay silent.

"I fucking hate all of you," said Bill.

Note: Song by Hugh Charles and Ross Parker

Back on Earth-AT-1278...

"Well, that concludes it!" smiled Minerva Mertens. "You two are now Grimms!" 

"Is it serious, Doc?" asked Stanley.

"No, Stanley! She's saying that our Grimm Genes were triggered!" yelled Stanford. "But... why in the same time...?"

"Twin Grimms have certain connections with each other via Cosmic Strings, even sets of twins who are just relatives. Since your brother died, naturally, the Cosmic Strings connection you with your relatives triggered your genes. Mabel actually contacted me much earlier than any of you because she wasn't sure what was happening with her body," said Minerva.

"Sorry, Dipper..." said Mabel, bowing her head.

"It's okay... But you still should've told me. Why'd she get it earlier than any of us...?"

"Female Grimms have their genes activated earlier than Males unless they're Schwarz-Augens, whereas the children will immediately develop their Grimm and Wesen Genes at birth. You'd have the ability to see the Supernatural via an extra fourth cone in your eyes. Spirits, Engkantos, Stands, Wesen, you name it."

"So... What? We can see spooky and dangerous people now! Big deal!" yelled Stanley.

"I suggest you wear these so that you won't bring attention to yourselves..." she said, offering both pairs of twins.

"Why...?" asked Stanford.

"When Wesen woge or when you see invisible things, your eyes turn deep black and their true forms will be reflected from your eyes. Wear these to avoid being detected by Wesen and any other beings when going in unfamiliar places."

They are then given four pairs of sunglasses.

"Shady!" smiled Stanley. "I kinda like the atmosphere we have goin' on here... Heheh!"

Yesterday, prior to the check-up...

"Hey! Hey, Daddy!" smiled Sunny. "You said you were really good at math, right!?"

"Huh...? Yeah!" Dipper said, waking up.

"Could you solve this for me?" She gives him a problem that says, "2x^2+15x+7."

"Oh... That's easy!" Dipper writes down the answer.

"Thanks, Dad!" Sunny runs outside.

"Huh... 'Just keep it that way'...? Are you sure about that...?" asked Pacifica, looking over his shoulder.

"You're really asking the Math Genius about this...?" Dipper asked, smugly.

Sunny runs inside, crying.

"What's wrong, Sunny?" asked Dipper.

"I HATE YOU!!!" yelled Sunny, sobbing and hugging Pacifica.

Dipper enters an existential crisis.

"Dipper. She was trying to show you off to her friends... But then... Y'know... You were kinda... Uh... wrong...?" Pacifica checks the equation. "Shouldn't the answers be either -1/2 and -7?"

Dipper is shocked. "WHAT!?!?"

Sunny kept on crying while burying her face in Pacifica's belly. 

"Sunny, look... It's okay! He just thought the 7 was a q! Daddy's eyesight is just getting poorer... He's old, y'know?"

Dipper hears that and those words echo in his head over and over.

"He's old, y'know? He's old, y'know? He's old, y'know? He'S oLd, Y'kNoW?"

"Okay..." Sunny said, bowing her head. She then grabs the paper and runs away.

"Dipper? It's okay... She doesn't seem to -... Dipper? Dipper...? Dipper...?"

Later...

Dipper stares at a monitor with everyone else asleep on their desks in sleeping, drooling on it.

Dipper looks left and right.

He turns off his monitor and walks toward the fridge, taking out a bunch of frozen hotdogs.

Mabel passes by.

"Hey! Mabel! Wanna go blow up some hotdogs in the Microwave?" smiled Dipper, whispering.

"Dipper... We're 31 years old. Shouldn't you be trying to solve mysteries like you always wanted?"

"Yeah... But I always... y'know... Do that! It'd be nice if we do this again for a change! For old time's sake!"

"Dipper... I have art class..." Mabel puts on her sweater and carries her handbag. "We'll try it again later..."

She opens a portal and leaves.

"Doo doo doo doo doo!" Soos mops the floor.

"Soos! Wanna blow up some-?"

"Sorry, dude! Mystery Shack business goin' on here after this! Maybe next time!"

Wendy, who works there as the counter lady, passes by and awkwardly looks away from Dipper.

Dipper also awkwardly looks away from her.

He sighs, bowing his head.

Today...

"The What...?" asked Rick, building a new gadget.

"The Gospel Truth! It's a thing I learned back 3,000 and a half years ago after I was horribly isolated in a Hyperbolic Time Room! It's the truth that the Messiah is the Savior and a Servant, not a Ruler!" Miguel said, spinning his stick while leaning on the wall and watching Rick. "It's a Messiah thing...! You wouldn't understand."

"Uh-huh..." said Rick. "Your callousness against what I'm currently doing is proof that you have an Elektra slash Oedipus complex, psychosexual issues, and an inherent need for parental authority."

"Y'know... I've always been sus with you, but I should've been way more understanding with you, Rick, you and your familial loss. Put it there!" He offered a handshake.

"The day I shake God's hand is the day I make a breakthrough in Geology."

"What...?"

"I'm not shaking your hand, Ibarra. You have divinity all over it."

"Oh, please! You agnostics and your disregard for anything divine and all that! Why do people keep thinking that I'm God!? I'm just a lil' guy like everyone else!"

"Because you advertised it everywhere, you fucking idiot."

"Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick... I learned to be one with it rather than show it off so I can destroy the very fabric of craving itself! It's called Buddhism...? Give it a try? After all, you're agnostic."

"And this religion talk is pissing me off."

"Yeah! Because you can't carry a tune to effectively give yourself entirely to God! Why? Because you're totally hiding something, man!"

Rick grumbles in annoyance as he stands up and places his paper cup under the Coffee Dispenser.

"Whatcha doin' now?" smiled Miguel, leaning his face on the coffee machine.

"Getting a cup of coffee. Do I look like I'm killing a bunch of Gromflomites right now in Sector 9? No! I'm getting A FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE!!!"

Miguel smiles sweetly and whispers. "Yes, you are, you cutie patootie..."

"Jesus Christ..."

"Hey! Don't say my brother's slash previous life's name in vain!"

"He's Jesus. Isn't he technically everyone's brother?"

"Uh... Yeah! It's called Monotheism. You should try it sometime...Unless... You're secretly working for Bill..."

"Miguel..." said Luz, knocking first then walking into the room and grabbing the door's frame. "Stop suspecting Rick of being a traitor again. He had a really hard day yesterday..."

"Fine... I'll do it tomorrow..." Miguel bowed his head and stomped away. "Bye, Rick!"

"Go fuck yourself," said Rick.

"Okay!" Miguel walks away.

Luz frowns and offers Rick the swear jar.

"Ugh..." Rick facepalms.

Pacifica walks downstairs. "Whoa...! People down here in the basement... Okay..."

"Hello, there, Miss Pines-Northwest!" Hopediah hops in front of Pacifica, shaking her hand. "We are the Weather Reporters. Hopediah Plantar! A pleasure, Mademoiselle!" He then kisses her hand. "Please do not eat us!"

She pulls her hand away and looks at it, seeing slime. She laughs nervously and wipes it off. "Pacifica Pines-Northwest. Haha! Hi...! Also, gross... No, I won't."

"Your disgust is our relief!" smiled Polly.

"Aw! That one is a cute one! Who are you, little girl?"

"Polly Petunia Plantar! Robotics expert!"

"Hello!"

"Eh! Eh! Eh!"

"Whoa!" Pacifica meets King. "Are you a Titan? Like from the Journals?"

"Yeah! How'd you know!?"

"Bone structure," smiled Pacifica. He boops his nose and King giggles. "Also, why do you sound like Bill?"

"I don't know who that is, but I get that a lot around here! I think we were saved from him by Captain Burkhardt! Was he that triangle guy with the eye...?" He creates a triangle with his claws and surrounds his eye with the triangle. Like BIIIILL!!!

"Yeah... Heheh..." said Pacifica.

Dipper walks downstairs.

"Oh! Dipper! Are you okay?" Pacifica hugs Dipper and holds his hands. "You went out without saying goodbye... So, I got worried."

"Oh...! Uh... Yep. I'm a Grimm, now, apparently."

"Oh... Is that... bad...?"

"No... Think of it as a dominant gene that got triggered in my blood. Honestly, it fits my Monster Hunter status... We kinda get black eyes when we see Supernatural things and they'd likely attack us for it..."

"Sounds pretty inconvenient."

"Yep..."

Mabel yawns and walks out of the house. "See ya, Dipper... I'll be at work. Tell the kids to go home by 10 when they get back home."

"Mabel... Sunglasses...!" 

"Oh... right..." Mabel puts on her sunglasses. "Tell Gideon that there's pizza in the fridge."

"Whoa ho ho!" Anne takes out the ancient light-ax and swings it around. "Holy crap, dude! Sprig! Let's go burn down some trees with this!"

"Alright!" smiled Sprig.

Anne runs away while Sprig hops after.

"So... What, now...? Am I a Grimm, too?"

"No. But our kids probably are. But not for a long time, I think!"

"We'll see about that." Nick appears behind Dipper and Pacific.

"Captain Burkhardt!" smiled Dipper.

"Look, Dipper. We have a report today. But I heard you just unlocked those genes of yours, and if you need a break..."

"No! No! It's fine...! Heh... What are we doing?"

Nick sighs. "Alright. There's a murder. And I want you and Mabel to investigate it."

"Oh! Cool!" smiled Dipper. "Will do, Captain Burkhardt! You can count on me!"

Dipper salutes Nick.

"Alright... This'll be good Grimm-Training for you..."

Suddenly, a tree falls down outside.

"Sergeant?"

Sasha wakes up from her desk. "Wha? Huh...?" She has drool all over her face, so she wipes it and takes in a tictac.

"Anne and Sprig used the light-ax again."

"On it..." sighed Sasha, standing up and walking upstairs.

"Dipper. Mabel. Go to Portland. Your Earth. Lieutenant Wu will get you there."

"Hey, guys!" smiled Wu. "Looks like a couple of Grimms just got their first Wesen Sighting."

"Hey, Wu! What's the case...?" smiled Dipper.

"Yeah!" smiled Mabel. "What's the case, Wu?"

"Long Claw marks... Bite marks... Long Tongue..." said Wu. "And..."

"OH, GOD!!!" yelled the twins.

"That's right... Somebody's a baby-daddy. Just wouldn't be having a baby or a wife..." said Wu.

The twins are horrified upon seeing a dead pregnant woman.

"Is it just me, or am I traumatized for life...?" asked Mabel.

"Forensics scanned the body. Baby's half-eaten. My bet. Aswang. Ghoul type."

"What's the difference...?" Mabel asked, horrified.

"Ghoul type is the first Wesen I've ever faced. I've killed around a dozen in my time. They look like Ghouls or perhaps zombies. Bluish Gray. White Eyes. Pointed ears. Naked furless body. Sharp teeth. Long claws. And long tongue. They're closely related to the Vampiric Aswang, which is what Ms. JoJo is. I want the two of you to search for all the Filipinos here in Portland."

"Hoho! They wouldn't know what's coming to them, Wu! You can count on us!" smiled Dipper.

"In summer's name... I've seen Valhalla..." said Mabel.

Later... The twins go around the neighborhood to look for the Filipino community...

"Hoho! We're doing it, Mabel! Just like we used to as the Mystery Twins!" smiled Dipper.

"Uh-huh..." said Mabel.

Dipper smiles, looking unfazed. 

Dipper sees a Llama costume in a costume store nearby.

"Heheh...Hey, look! It's a Llama costume! Wanna buy it for Summerween this year?"

"We're a little too old to go Trick or Treating."

"Heh... Yeah... Yeah..."

"Hey, Dipper! It's the Filipino Community!'Daan Street...'"

"Doesn't that just mean 'Street Street...?'"

"Hey! Hi!"

"Psst! Mabel!"

Mabel isn't wearing her sunglasses, but Dipper is. She approaches a bunch of children playing Sipa.

They all laugh until they see Mabel. They all Erstewoge and turn into Ghoul Aswangs, and Mabel sees this.

Mabel is a bit alerted by this, but she sees that they're more scared than angry. "Hey... Hey...! It's okay!"

They all scream and run away.

"Ugh!" She puts on her sunglasses. "Wait! Kids! Uh..."

She sees several Aswangs. Vampiric Aswangs (like the JoJo Family), Ghoul Aswangs (Like the one that appeared in Grimm), Manananggals (winged hags who can halve their bodies), Askal Itims (muscular black-furred dog humanoids), Amalanhigs (rotten-skinned Zombie-like Aswangs), Mangkukulams (gray-skinned hags who can wield magic), Mambabarangs (dark-skinned hags who can control insects), and Wakwaks (black-feathered Vampiric Aswangs with crow heads instead) all gardening and tending their houses.

Mabel is terrified by the creatures she encounters.

"MABEL!!!Whoa..." said Dipper, slowing down. "Just another Monday..." he squeaked, walking around. "Doo doo doo doo doo... What the hell...! Haha! Hey, there! Hi! Hello, there, Filipino people! Haha!"  

"(Dipper! They could all tear us apart! We need an Aswang!!! I think we should call Gabrielle!)"

"Uh...!" smiled Dipper. "Hey! We... ARE GRIMMS!!! HAHA!!! TADA!!!" Mabel takes off her sunglasses.

"(What are you doing, Dipper!? You're gonna get us killed!)"

"(Yeah! Fun, right?)"

"(What the heck is with you, today, Dipper!?)"

They all stare at the twins.

"We're just looking for someone who uh... killed... uh... murderer! Someone ate a pregnant baby's woman! And we're looking for their victim!"

"(It's the other way-...)"

"I know!"

"So..." said the Wakwak. "You're a couple of Grimms. *HISS!!!*" He opens his gaping beak and hisses.

The two give worried looks.

"Do your business here. Just don't bother the wrong guy," said the Wakwak.

The Aswangs all go back to their regular business.

"Whoa... Aren't you going to defend your kin...?" asked Dipper.

"Are you kidding me!? Fetal consumption is barbaric. No one does it nowadays. And that's fucked up, man. That's like assuming the first black person you see to practice zombie voodoo magic..."

"Oh... Uh... Sorry..."

"Hey... Sir..." smiled Mabel. "Why would the Ghoul Aswang do such a thing...?"

"Probably to prolong their life. Ghoul Aswangs, right? Yep... Traditionally, the fetus is given to the grandmother of the Ghoul Aswang fetus, but you never know if it's a female these days... Sick, man..." The Wakwak is eating pancit canton in his yard.

Dipper's pupils slowly contract. He shakes his head.

"You... okay...?" asked Mabel.

"Uh... Are you saying that this is cannibalism?" Dipper ignored Mabel.

"Yep. Our ancestors were cannibals. The moment the Spaniards witnessed that, they assumed all Filipinos were cannibals. Even the Antingeros... Jesus, man... Genocided our ancestors back then. Poor Antingeros, too. Practice had been long gone..."

"Good thing that variant of Miguel JoJo... Who's that guy? The Chosen One, they say? Good thing he still practices Divine Magic. It's nice to have some representation," said the neighbor. He then activates his Anting to heal his poor dog that a rose bush had wounded. "Come on bud..."

"So... Someone old... Huh...?" asked Dipper. "Again! What is it with old people being not who they seem!?"

"Where would old people be at a time like this...?"

The twins turn to the Bingo Place behind them.

They smile at each other.

The pair enters and witnesses the bingo competition, filled with old people.

Mabel smiles, but Dipper stares with a saddened feeling in his chest.

"You okay, there?" asked Mabel.

"Uh... Yeah..." said Dipper.

Dipper and Mabel take their seats.

"Look for any suspicious people..." said Dipper, wearing his sunglasses.

Dipper looks at the old Aswangs everywhere.

"Ooh! My back!" yelled one Wakwak.

"Oh, God!" yelled the Mambabarang. "Arthritis...!"

"Ooh!" yelled the Vampiric Tiktik. "I'm old and depressed."

"Great! We're just starting! You two OLD TIMER twins wanna play a good OLD game of good OL' Bingo?"

"Old! Me!? I'm not old! OLD!?!? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...!"

"We'll take two cards please..." said Mabel. "Dipper... Cut that out! What's going on with you today?"

"Nothing!"

"B-21."

"No! Tell me...! You gotta tell me what's going on with you!"

"I-57."

"Nothing!"

"N-32."

"I swear! Nothing's-... Nothing's wrong...!"

"G-24..."

"NOTHING!!!"

"O-12."

"BINGO!!!"

"I'M GETTING OLD, OKAY!?!?"

Everyone turns to the Mystery Twins, all of them are woging.

"Uh... Haha! Nothing... Never mind us...! Haha!"

"I thought you always wanted to grow up..."

"Yeah... But yesterday, Sunny asked me to do a Math problem..."

"And that's surprising, because...?"

"Because I didn't read it right and got it wrong..."

"How... How is this gonna relate to -?"

"And Pacifica said I had poor eyesight... and that I was old...!"

"Oh! Oh... Dipper..."

"No... It's...! It's stupid... It shouldn't matter..."

"It matters to me, Dipper! What's the big deal of being older...?"

"Ever since Grandpa Shermy died, I began realizing that we don't have long to live... And I just kinda wished to be a kid again... Because... I honestly... missed being a kid with you..."

Mabel smiles, understanding Dipper.

"I miss being a kid..." said the old woman next to them.

Dipper looks at the old lady, who slowly woges into a Ghoul Aswang. She woges back to her human form. Dipper smiles along with Mabel, who he nods to. 

"Wait... really...?" asked Mabel. "Oh! If only there was a way we'd get younger!"

"Yeah... You two aren't from around here, are you...?"

"Uh... Y-... Yep! Yep!" smiled Dipper.

"Say... I know a way for youse two to get younger...!"

"Uh..." said Dipper.

"How young are we talkin'...?" asked Mabel.

"Really... young..." She shows in her coat a bottle of several dead Aswang fetuses. "Found these everywhere across the state... I don't get any from this neighborhood, sadly... Too suspicious, y'know...?"

"AHA!!!" yelled Dipper, taking out a high-tech laser-arrow-equipped Doppelarmbrust and pointing it at the Ghoul Aswang. "We are the Weather Reporters, and you have the right to remain silent in the name of Maharlican Law!"

They take off their sunglasses.

She Erstewoges. "Two Grimms..." she hissed, flicking her tongue. She Wahrewoges and runs away.

The Aswangs don't help and actually just mind their own business.

"Aren't any of you gonna help!?" asked Dipper.

"Some of us need to stay young some way!" yelled one old man, who immediately covered his mouth where some others then facepalm.

"You all make me sick!" yelled Mabel, immediately taking a picture of everyone who facepalmed and the old man. "Huh... What is it with Aswangs and cannibalism...?"

"I should ask Gabrielle about this..." said Dipper.

The pair begin to get tired as the old lady runs further away.

*PEW!!! PEW!!! PEW!!! PEW!!!*

"Don't worry, Dipper! For, BEHOLD!!!" Mabel takes out her newly upgraded Grappling Gun. "BETTER GRAPPLING HOOK!!!"

*THWIP!!!*

The wire is a laser light that wraps around the old lady. She trips and falls to the ground. She then reels her in.

Angered, she charges and kicks Mabel to the ground.

Dipper shoots at her over and over, so she slashes her face with her claw, as he gets a scratch on his face.

"I didn't think that twins could be Grimms... What's strange is that youse two are rather inexperienced, now, aren't you...?"

She hisses and prepares to bite Dipper, but he punches her.

She is almost unfazed by the attack as she wraps her tongue around his neck.

Mabel charges her Hamon and punches the lady in the face.

She screeches in pain as her skin burns and melts upon contact with the Hamon. She wriggles and twitches, dropping to the ground.

The pair are traumatized by what they've done.

"'Ey!" smiled the Wakwak from earlier. "You caught her! Good job, guys! Looks like I'd have to report this."

"Who are you...?"

"Captain of the Neighborhood Watch. In our old Barangay, I was the Barangay Captain. I was voted back in when we all moved here. Been getting reports of Fetal Consumption. Makes me sick... No wonder she's been leaving every weekend."

"Why didn't you tell us...?" asked Dipper.

"Didn't trust you two at first. Heheh! She's an Aswang who move from New York! Weird that she practices Fetus-Pushing."

"Yeah... We're traumatized... Is this a regular thing in your-... I wanna say, 'tribe'... But I shouldn't..." said Mabel.

"Oh, yeah. And, no. We're called a Barangay, man..."

"Huh... Guess we'll call for back-up..." said Dipper. "Thanks for the info."

"Nah. You, too, man! We'll give you some food! On the house!" smiled the Captain.

"Uh..."

"Don't worry! It's legal, of course! Heheh! Or... IS IT!?!?Haha! Pretend I didn't say that."

Later, the two enter a portal back to Gravity Falls while the old woman is arrested by Gus and Willow.

Dipper is trying to crack an egg he takes from a basket of eggs Mabel is carrying. "Huh... What is this...? Some boiled egg...?" He cracks it and is horrified to see a duck fetus in there. "Oh, God! I am so tired of fetuses for today!"

"Hey! Balut!" smiled Miguel. "You gonna eat any of that...?"

Dipper and Mabel shake their heads and give the basket of eggs to Miguel, who bites into it. "Mm! Yes! Culture..."

"Hey, Dipper? Wanna blow up some hotdogs...?" asked Mabel, smiling.

Dipper smiles back. 

The pair giggles in the background and puts the hotdogs in the microwave, which each explodes.

"GODDAMNIT!!!" yelled Nick, in the background. "WOULD YOU TWO STOP THAT!!!? EVERYONE USES THAT!!! SASHA!!!"

"UGH!!!" yelled Sasha.

"Filipinos have a weird pre-colonial history with fetuses..." said Miguel. "Then, again... It's a reminder that even the youngest of living creatures that were conceived in this world face the inevitability of death..." Miguel stares at the screen creepily with dread and existential crisis in his heart. He then smiles and walks away. "Welp... Time to prank Rick. HEY, RICK!!! I HAVE BOILED EGGS FOR YOU!!!"

"Oh... Thanks... I'm low on cholesterol right-..." 

*crack!* 

"Huh... I don't think it's cooked, well... It's dripping-... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?"

"AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! God-2. Agnostics-0!"

"MIGUEL!!!" yelled Luz.

"LET RELIGION HAVE THIS, NOCEDA!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"