3. Chapter 3
When she wakes up the next day, there are about four unanswered texts on her phone. All from Kara, all apologetic in varying tones.
The I’ll be better eats away at Lena. As if it was Kara’s fault that they can’t be alone together without having emotionally charged staring contests. As if Kara’s the one that keeps setting the boundaries just to step right over them. As if Kara would ever need to be better, as if she’s not already perfect in Lena’s eyes.
It haunts her so badly that Lena finally responds.
you did nothing wrong. i’m the one that’s sorry. i do want to be friends.
Kara’s reply is so immediate that Lena wonders if she’d been waiting by the phone. lunch this week?
Lena’s still not ready for that, but she so desperately wants to be. drinks next week?
Kara sends back about twenty smiley face emojis and clapping hands and Lena just shakes her head, laughs a little and tries to fight the feeling that they’re just running in circles together.
--
The news reports on the new criminal gang terrorizing National City with highly powered alien weapons. Lena watches, chest tight, as Kara gets shot by one such weapon and crumples, hit again and flies into a building.
It scares her to remember that there are things out there that can hurt the Girl of Steel. Things out there that can kill her. She thinks of her brother, of his single minded mission to take down Superman and she knows there’s a warehouse full of his projects somewhere that could do just that.
She’s filtered most of them out of L Corp’s to-do lists, but she knows that’s not all of it. Lex was always paranoid. There’s some vault out there just waiting to be found.
When she watches Kara get knocked around for the second time, Lena can’t fight the hold the image takes on her throat. Kara is vulnerable to simple alien guns, anti-grav guns from the look of them. What could she do against Lex’s cavalcade of kryptonite weapons? It feels like she’s choking on worry at the very thought.
Are you okay? is all typed up and ready to send on her phone and Lena stares at it for a good twenty seconds before deleting it.
She sighs. They’re friends and she needs to start acting like it. Friends would check up on each other. That’s what Kara had said at the beginning of it all anyway.
She looks back down at her phone and types out a careful, I saw the news. I hope you’re okay.
Kara sends back a selfie, still in her supersuit and giving the camera a thumbs up. It eases Lena’s nerves a little, but it does nothing to quell the strong desire Lena feels sweep through her to find Kara, see her in person, and personally assure she’s uninjured.
--
The damage to the National City Children’s Hospital is all anyone can talk about, and Lena sees an opportunity to both do some good and garner positive press for L Corp. Apparently Supergirl getting thrown through a building isn’t as much of a concern for National City, but it consumes Lena.
Planning a fundraiser gala lets her focus on something other than the way Kara’s face looked right before Lena was sure she was going to kiss her, the night of Roulette’s fight club. It’s only when she’s reviewing the guest list for the party that she realizes what a target it would be for any criminal in National City looking for a score. Particularly ones with electromagnetic alien weapons.
They’d have to be stupid to go after L Corp or her, Lena thinks, but common thieves aren’t generally known for their high IQ.
A plan forms suddenly before Lena can stop it and she’s down in R&D without even thinking about it.
“Miss Luthor,” Lana greets her when she walks in, eying her warily. “You’re becoming quite the staple down here.”
“Project Hawking, are you familiar with it?” Lena asks without any pretense.
Lana looks a little taken aback, but recovers. “The field generator? Yes.”
“I’d like to take a look at what we have.”
They walk over to a storage unit in the corner of the lab and Lana scans them through, eyes on the tall shelving units until she finds what she’s looking for. Together they pull a large box from a top shelf and Lena opens it, observes what’s inside.
“That’s perfect,” Lena says. “Thank you.”
“What do you need it for?” Lana asks and Lena’s a little surprised. She’d have thought her sharp words in her office a week ago would have warded Lana off from asking such things.
“I want to see if I can get it working,” Lena says, walking it back out of the storage unit and towards an empty workstation not too far away.
“It’s not exactly a household consumer product,” Lana observes, helping Lena take all the different components out of the box.
“No, not exactly,” Lena laughs.
“You’re planning something,” Lana says with a smirk and it’s strange for someone to talk so casually to her, to be unafraid of who she is or the power she wields.
She looks up at Lana, thinks about how nice it might be to have an actual friend in National City. Not just an ex-girlfriend friend that she keeps almost kissing. “Just a surprise,” she tells the other woman.
“A black body radiation surprise?”
Lena shrugs a shoulder. “Do you want to stay and help?”
A look of surprise flashes over Lana’s help, but her smile goes wide. “Yeah, definitely.”
They sit there and work together, Lena with her head bowed over a mess of wires and coils while Lana hands her whatever tools she may need and keeps the coffee warm.
--
“I need to tell you something,” Kara says one night as they’re walking around campus. They’ve gotten ice cream at a place Kara loves. Lena scoops the last of hers into her mouth before chucking the small bowl into a nearby trashcan, turning to look at Kara.
“Okay,” she says in a slow drawl, dusting her hands together and swiping at her lip. Kara’s still clutching at a cone and there’s a bit of ice cream clinging to the corner of her mouth. Lena laughs softly and swipes a thumb over it, charmed at the sheepish expression Kara gives her, a blush visible even under the dim light of sunset.
They’ve been friends for months now, but Lena can sense something building between them. Most days she tries to ignore it. Her mother’s voice rings too loudly in her head - a college fling is one thing, Lena, but you have responsibilities. There’s no place for a relationship in a young Luthor’s life.
But with Kara smiling at her so softly, a red sky framing her face and a comfortable autumn chill in the air, Kara doesn’t feel anything like a college fling. She feels real. Significant. Heavy. Solid.
“What is it?” Lena asks when Kara doesn’t say anything else. They pause near a bench and Lena sits down, expecting Kara to sit with her. Instead, Kara paces in front of her, moving rapidly.
Lena’s never seen Kara look so nervous. She wants to reach out and grab ahold of Kara’s hand and soothe her.
“Kara, it can’t possibly that bad. Did you cheat on a test or something? Commit a crime?”
Kara shakes her head rapidly and Lena starts to get a little worried. It’s hard to think of her bright and sunny friend doing anything that would upset Lena, but from the way Kara can’t stop fidgeting, Lena’s suddenly not so sure.
“So, do you know Superman?” Kara asks suddenly, her hands gripping her glasses.
“Yes, of course,” Lena answers with a laugh. “I’m from Metropolis.”
“Right.” Kara twists her hands together and Lena watches this motion curiously.
“Are you dating Superman or something? I thought he and Lois Lane had a thing,”
“Wha - ew, no.”
Lena crosses her arms over her chest, shrugs. “Well if you don’t tell me what it is I’m just going to keep guessing-”
“He’s my cousin,” Kara says abruptly and Lena’s brain stutters to a halt.
“He’s what?”
“He’s my cousin,” Kara repeats and she stops pacing, standing in front of Lena with her hands out to the side, honesty in those pretty blue eyes.
“But he’s-”
“Yeah,” Kara breathes and she looks around them quickly. Campus is mostly empty, devoid of students who have fled home for Fall Break. There’s no one within earshot.
“So you’re-” The numbers start adding up quickly in Lena’s head and a thousand little inexplicable moments suddenly make perfect sense. The clarity of it all makes her eyes go wide.
“Yeah,” Kara says. The word is soft, but sure and Kara sits down next to Lena on the bench, studying her with clear vulnerability.
“You’re an alien?!” Lena asks in a hushed whisper, she’s only barely able to stop herself from shrieking. It’s not reproach or anger, but she’s surprised.
Though, it’s not that she’s entirely shocked. There’s always been something off about some aspects of Kara’s life, but there’s a difference between knowing and knowing something.
“Are you mad?”
Lena blinks. Tries to understand what’s going on, but answers the question easily - there is no other answer for her. “No, of course I’m not mad.” Relief floods Kara’s face.
“I thought you should know,” Kara says. “I’m really not supposed to tell people, but you’re not-” Lena watches Kara fiddle with her glasses and blow out a heavy breath. “You’re different.”
Lena’s not ready to confront all that different might mean to Kara.
“Thank you for telling me,” she says quietly before reaching for Kara’s hand to hold it in a sure grip.
There’s a voice in the back of her head, her mother again, and it’s full of all kinds of anti-alien venom. Superman has always been a testy subject in the Luthor household and she can even hear her brother’s whispers about the alien threat .
But when she looks at Kara, Lena can’t understand any of that. Not with the way Kara always grins like Lena’s made her day just by existing, or the feeling Lena gets when Kara laughs, that full bodied genuine laugh that never fails to get Lena to smile. The only threat Lena can sense is the one to her heart.
“You’re my best friend,” Kara whispers like it’s just as much a confession as before.
It frightens Lena a little, to feel so much for one person, but Lena doesn’t fight it. Just wraps Kara up in a tight hug and laughs a little. A wave of protectiveness washes over her at the tremble she can notice in Kara’s strong frame. “Me too,” she says with her nose buried in the fabric at Kara’s shoulder.
The scientist in her suddenly perks up and she sits back, disengaging from the hug. “So does that mean you can fly?”
Kara shrugs a little sheepishly. “I think so.”
“What do you mean you think so?”
“I haven’t tried to in years.”
A thousand questions start to line up in Lena’s brain, but she tries to stay on track. “Why not?”
“Using my powers could be dangerous,” Kara says like she’s reciting something from memory. “For me and for others.”
“But you have all the same abilities as…?”
“As far as I know,” Kara says. “Like I said, I haven’t really tested it all out.”
It’s natural scientific curiosity that eats at her. It’s impossible to ignore. In a quiet hushed whisper she asks, “Do you want to?”
Kara’s eyes go wide at the question. Like she hadn’t considered the possibility of ever using her powers again.
Lena runs through a catalog of open spaces they could get to around campus, calculates how far they’d have to drive in order to get anywhere private.
“You don’t think I’m dangerous?”
It’s asked so honestly and with such vulnerability that Lena swallows a laugh immediately. “No,” she says softly. “What I think is dangerous is not knowing what you’re capable of.”
Silence stretches for a long moment, Kara staring into Lena’s eyes before a cautious grin lights up her face. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
--
The decision to invite Kara to the gala doesn’t come easy. At first, she tries to convince herself that it’s an insurance policy. It’s not because she just generally wants Kara around, wants to put them back on even footing after the intensity of their post-alien-fight-club stare down.
She thinks to just text Kara, or call her, but Lena’s the one that keeps messing everything up between them. If she wants anything to get better or easier, she’s going to have to start facing her fears, so to speak. She’ll see Kara face to face and invite her to the gala. Like a normal friend would.
They haven’t spoken or seen each other in person since the fight club and Lena doesn’t trust herself to be anywhere alone with Kara. CatCo is almost neutral territory, or at the very least, they’ll be surrounded by people. That alone should reign in Lena’s emotions enough to get through a conversation.
Or so she thinks.
Except the minute Kara spots her, a flash of complete happiness brightens across Kara’s face, her whole body visibly straightening as she stands up from the desk she had been previously bent over. It spikes into Lena’s heart almost painfully.
“Lena!” Kara greets, turning to face her. Lena spares a glance for the gentleman to Kara’s left, but doesn’t acknowledge him.
“Hi,” Lena greets, crossing her arms and hoping her nerves aren’t showing. The constant movement of the rest of the office floor around them helps. Strong and steady CEO is a role Lena is very practiced at and she falls back into it without too much trouble. It’s admittedly harder with Kara around, but she still manages.
“What are you doing at CatCo?”
“I’m here to see you actually,” Lena replies and hates the immediate way Kara reacts to that - her smile growing impossibly large in an instant.
“You are?”
She takes a deep breath and affects a practiced smile, trying not to let Kara’s eyes get to her. It’s hard when she can practically feel the way Kara’s gaze is tracing her face. “L Corp is hosting a party this weekend.
“You’re throwing a party?” The smile on Kara’s face drops immediately to a frown.
“It’s a gala fundraiser for the children’s hospital after that horrific attack on their new building,” Lena explains, knowing what the look on Kara’s face means.
“Lena, that’s-”
“I was hoping you’d come,” Lena says before Kara can list off reasons why Lena shouldn’t be holding a party with a gang out there terrorizing National City.
It seems to work. Kara’s frown stutters up into another smile.
What she really means is that she hopes Supergirl can attend as an extra ward against any attack, but with the way Kara’s co-workers keep milling about in earshot, Lena knows she can’t exactly ask such a thing outright.
Before Kara can answer, the man sitting at the desk next to them stands, shaking a Red Vine in her direction. “Uh, gala? Is that like a party?”
Kara answers no immediately, clearly trying to shut him up, and Lena’s eyes dart between them, confused.
“It would mean a lot to me if you were there,” Lena says, focusing on Kara and ignoring the newcomer even as he continues to grin at both of them. Kara’s eyes go soft around the edges.
“Of course I’ll come,” Kara says with a small smile.
“I love parties,” the man interjects again and Lena tries to puzzle out if she knows him. He clearly seems comfortable enough with Kara to insert himself in her conversations. She wonders if this is the Winn that Kara told her she’d warm up to. “Can I come too?”
“No,” Kara answers hastily and Lena gets a sinking feeling when she looks at them, like Kara’s trying to hide something. It’s not Winn, she thinks, but it’s someone. She appraises the stranger again and something tightens in her stomach. He’s a lot like the kind of guy she always thought Kara’d fall for - the kind of guy she assumed, in her darkest hours, that Kara would date after their breakup. Cute, preppy, nice smile. They look good together in a bland sort of way.
It hadn’t occurred to her to consider the possibility that Kara was dating someone. She feels a little blindsided by the idea.
Unwilling to be a slave to her past, Lena laughs a little. A smile stretches over her face tightly. “No, of course your friend can come,” she says to Kara and her ex-girlfriend gives her a wide-eyed look, clearly uncomfortable.
Lena turns to the man, tries hard not to imagine slugging him in the jaw and reminds herself that sometimes it’s smarter to keep your enemies close at hand. “What’s your name?”
“Mike. Of the Interns,” he says sagely and Lena wonders if Kara finds that kind of humor amusing.
“Well, Mike of the Interns,” she says, perversely enjoying the pinched look on Kara’s face. “Find yourself a nice suit and we’ll see you there.”
He looks entirely pleased with the idea, the red candy in his hand wiggling in excitement but Kara just narrows her eyes at her.
Lena arches a brow at Kara, as if in challenge, and Kara sighs, stepping away from Mike and grabbing Lena’s arm, spinning them both in the opposite direction. “Can I speak with you? Please?”
Lena lets herself get led out of the main floor of CatCo and down a back hallway until Kara shuffles them both into an abandoned office.
It’s then that Lena realizes her error. She’s now alone. With Kara. Again.
“Kara,” Lena starts, needing to rid herself of these circumstances, but Kara starts talking before Lena can make a move to leave.
“His name isn’t Mike,” Kara says abruptly, hands on her hips.
Lena laughs a little. It wasn’t what she expected Kara to lead with. “What do you mean?”
“He’s from Daxam. His name is Mon-El.”
Lena startles a little at the mention of a familiar planet - she remembers Kara talking about it years ago. Not so favorably. “Daxam? Isn’t that-”
“Yeah,” Kara says with clear exasperation. Lena remembers Kara teaching her some colorful Kryptonian slurs that revolved around the planet and its people. “His pod, a Kryptonian pod ironically, landed here a while ago and he just woke up.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s actually a really long story,” Kara says, rubbing at her neck.
“Why are you telling me?”
“I’m trying to get him to assimilate into society,” Kara explains. “That’s why he introduced himself as Mike. Mon-El isn’t exactly a run of the mill human name. So then I got him this job at CatCo, but it’s not exactly going smoothly.”
“No?”
“He’s such a pain,” Kara confesses with a little chuckle. “And he keeps doing completely ridiculous things. I’m trying to be patient with him, but it’s so hard.”
The memory of Kara when they first met invades Lena’s brain and makes her smile a little. “Maybe you’re forgetting what you used to be like.”
“What do you mean what I used to be like?”
“You had to look up what a date was on urban dictionary,” Lena teases.
A charming blush flushes into Kara’s cheeks and Lena’s chest feels tight. Memory swirls between them like something tangible. “Earth mating customs were foreign to me.”
“I remember,” Lena replies with an arch of her brow and it does nothing to help Kara’s blush which deepens as her ex-girlfriend bites at her lip.
They stare at each other for a bit, alone in the dusty, abandoned office and this is exactly why Lena wanted to avoid such a thing. It was easier out there with curious, watchful eyes. Here, there’s no one to stop her from crossing the floor and pushing Kara against the wall behind her.
No one but herself.
Of course then Kara opens her mouth and completely dampens Lena’s desire. “You can’t go ahead with this fundraiser. You need to cancel.”
“This sounds familiar,” Lena deadpans, crossing her arms across her chest.
“There’s a trio of criminals out there with highly advanced alien technology and this party will definitely be a target.”
“Then it’s a good thing you’ll be there,” Lena says, trying to appeal to reason. Kara looks unconvinced so Lena continues. “And Mon-El,” she adds. “Being from Daxam, he must be affected by the yellow sun as well. My party can have two protectors. You can bring him as your date.”
Kara’s eyes are narrowed, jaw tight as she considers Lena’s words.
“I’m not dating him,” Kara blurts out suddenly and with a certain amount of heat. Lena feels a lump in her throat.
“Okay,” she draws out.
“It seems like you think I am. But I’m not.”
Lena laughs and looks away, hating that exposed feeling she always gets when Kara just understands the many layers of Lena’s emotions. “I didn’t,” she lies, remembering the way she had immediately thought exactly that and cataloged Mon-El as a romantic rival. A ridiculous, instinctual reaction that she now wishes she could have stopped.
“Just in case then,” Kara says, looking at Lena critically. “I’m not.”
“That’s really none of my business, Kara,” Lena answers, gaze narrowing as she looks back at her ex.
Kara cocks her head to the side. “Isn’t it?”
“It’s not,” she emphasizes with some heat, angry at Kara for toeing at the line. At herself for dragging them back to the middle. Her invitation to Mon-El had been completely about assuming he and Kara were dating, or at least almost-dating, and it puts a sick feeling in her stomach. If they’re going to be friends she has to relearn how to see Kara and not think of her as a girlfriend anymore.
“Friends care about each other’s love lives,” Kara points out and it’s such a weak line of reasoning that Lena scoffs. Hates the sound of the word love as it comes out Kara’s mouth in this context.
“We’re not those kinds of friends yet,” she replies. They probably never will be, she thinks to add, but doesn’t. Lena can’t imagine a future in which she’d be comfortable hearing about Kara’s romantic prospects. Romantic prospects that no longer include her.
“I just think that you should know-”
“You know what?” Lena interrupts with her palm outstretched towards Kara to stop her. “We’re not going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“This,” Lena says waving her hand around. “I want to be friends, Kara. But we keep doing this and it’s not helping either of us.”
“I still don’t know what this is,” Kara retorts, brows coming together.
“It’s been four years,” Lena starts. “You’ve dated people I’m sure. I’ve dated people.” Lena tries to ignore the perceptible flinch Kara gives at that. “We’ll probably each date more people. In the future.” She can’t look at Kara as she says it, but carries on. “We don’t need to rehash all that old history. We just need to move on. If you’re not dating him, great. If you are. Good for you. For the both of you. I don’t care.”
Lena’s pretty sure that her messy tumble of words indicates pretty loudly that she does in fact care, but she refuses to keep having these stilted conversations with Kara. “So can we just not have these kinds of chats anymore?”
“We’re pretty awful at being friends, aren’t we?” Kara asks, head bowed and with a resigned tone that Lena wants to kiss away.
“We don’t have to be,” Lena replies.
Kara’s head shoots up. “Friends?”
“Awful at it,” Lena corrects.
She readjusts the purse on her arm and takes a deep inhale. The smile on her face feels overly exaggerated, but she can’t keep looking at the way Kara’s now sagged against the far wall, looking at Lena with a kind of desperation.
“I’ll send you the details for the gala,” Lena murmurs before turning and exiting the office.
--
“Do you date? Do dating? Enjoy dates?”
The questions come out of nowhere, so suddenly, that Lena feels like her brain gets whiplash. “Do I what?” she asks. She had just been doing homework, before Kara had started conjugating the word date.
“A date,” Kara says.
They’re in the library and Kara’s peering at her from across a wooden table, her pen tapping rapidly on the surface as she looks around her laptop. It’s marking up the table it’s moving so fast and so hard, but Lena doesn’t think to stop Kara.
“Do I date?”
“Are you - “ Kara spares a glance for her laptop before returning her gaze to Lena with a smile, “Are you dating someone?”
Lena sets her own pen down and furrows her brow at her friend. “You know I’m not.”
Kara looks about as confused as Lena feels. “So you’re not mat - dating - with Shawn?”
“Shawn Cady? No,” Lena answers with a laugh. Even the idea of it is absurd, but Kara doesn’t look like she’s joking.
“Jenna?”
It takes a few seconds of thought, but Lena’s eyebrows raise when she realizes who Kara is referring to. “Jenna Matthews? No,” Lena laughs again. “Jenna’s straight.”
“Straight,” Kara says, blinking. She leans forward suddenly, voice dropping down. “Do humans come in like crooked shapes?”
Lena laughs so loudly that the woman at the desk on the other side of the library looks up at her with a glare and she chokes on the sound, shaking her head at Kara and dropping her voice back down to something more appropriate.
“That’s not what I meant,” she says, bemused. “Jenna’s straight as in...she dates men. Exclusively as far as I’m aware.” Kara looks so confused that Lena closes her laptop and stares at her friend. “Do you...not know about all of that? How did this not come up in high school?”
“So what is the opposite of straight?” Kara asks, and types something into her computer. Lena laughs again, but keeps the noise quiet, mindful of drawing attention from the few students scattered about.
“There’s no -” Lena doesn’t know how to explain how there’s no such thing as opposite without confusing Kara. “Sexuality is more like a spectrum.”
Kara still looks adorably confused. “Sexuality,” she repeats like she’s just tasting the word for the first time. “So are you...straight?”
Lena blinks, takes a breath. “Kara, why are you asking me all this?”
“Mating is so weird here,” Kara all but grumbles, looking away. “On Krypton we just...there wasn’t really dating. You got matched with a mate and that’s kind of it. For life.”
The mention of Kara’s homeworld makes Lena ache. Kara’s just been able to talk about it without getting a watery look on her face or an unsteady cadence to her voice. Lena wonders what that must be like, how it must feel, to be the last of your kind.
“That sounds...like it could go badly,” Lena says, being careful not to insult Kara’s whole culture and world. “I mean, it sounds like an arranged marriage.”
“And arranged marriages are bad here,” Kara says, but it sounds more like a question, like she’s waiting for Lena to confirm that’s what she means.
“Not necessarily, I suppose,” Lena says. “Just, well, what if you don’t like your selected mate? What if they’re a psychopath, or ugly? Dating at least gives you some choice in the matter.”
Kara looks at her then, contemplative. “Mates are chosen because of something deeper. A connection that can’t be broken by distance or death or anything. You’re meant to be.” It sounds recited, but not rehearsed. “It can’t go bad. At least not permanently.”
For a moment, Lena wonders what kind of person Kara would have been mated with. “Did you have a mate then?” she asks carefully, not wanting to upset Kara but curious all the same. “On Krypton?”
Kara chuckles, shakes her head. “I wasn’t old enough.”
There’s something like relief that floods Lena’s system, but she pushes it aside. She’s still completely lost as to what the purpose of this conversation is. “So are you interested in dating someone here on Earth? At school?” The question shoots a pang of discomfort into her gut, but Kara is her friend and clearly very lost when it comes to this particular Earth custom.
Kara just kind of stares at her, lips thinning. “Just trying to learn,” Kara says quietly, but there’s tension in the set of Kara’s jaw.
“Okay,” Lena says, and she reaches across the table to set her hand on Kara’s arm. Kara blinks, and her face melts from the serious expression it had to a soft smile. “To answer your question, no, I’m not dating anyone right now.”
“Do you want to be?” Kara asks it with wide vulnerable eyes, her hand turning upward to grab ahold of Lena’s by the fingers. “I think I might want to be. Dating, I mean. Dating with you.”
“Kara,” Lena breathes out, the words sit so heavy in the air that Lena chokes on it for a second. “What are you saying?”
“According to,” Kara squints at her screen again, “Urban Dictionary dot com, a date is two people sharing an activity together with the possibility of romance.”
“You looked up date on Urban Dictionary?” Lena wants to laugh, but the reality of the conversation has finally caught up to her and she’s having trouble remembering how to breathe.
Kara shrugs. “Well, I tried to ask Alex, but she wasn’t all that helpful.”
For a brief moment, Lena wonders if maybe she’s still asleep. Or maybe she’s been drugged or something. “Are you asking me on a date?” It feels important to clarify, if only for Lena’s brain to start working reasonably again.
“I would like to explore the possibility of romance with you,” Kara says quietly and Lena’s heartbeat picks up pace so quickly that she’s sure she’s about to have a stroke.
“Usually, when you ask someone out, it’s to a meal,” Lena manages to say, all the words coming out in a comprehensible order. She’s proud of herself because her brain is screaming about a million different things and it’s a wonder she’s still capable of speech at all.
“Would you like to?” Kara asks, shutting her laptop and giving Lena her full attention.
“Would I like to?”
“Dinner,” Kara says simply. “With me.”
Lena clears her throat and fights the lightheaded feeling taking over her skull. “For a date?”
“For a date,” Kara repeats with a smile.
“To explore the possibility of romance.”
“Yes.”
They’re silent for a moment, eyes locked together and Lena feels everything shifting so abruptly that she might fall over. It doesn’t stop her answer though. She’s pretty sure nothing could stop the soft, but sure, yes she lets out.
The happy look that takes hold on Kara’s face is something Lena doesn’t think she’ll ever forget, nor the feeling when Kara sped around the table to wrap Lena up in an excited hug.
--
The party is in full swing when Kara shows up, walking towards her with a bright smile and a light blue dress. Lena’s heart beats in time with Kara’s steps and a smile spreads over her face to match the one on Kara’s.
“You came,” Lena says when Kara arrives at her side. After their conversation at CatCo, part of Lena thought maybe Kara wouldn’t come.
“Of course,” Kara says, a little furrow in her brow. “You invited me.”
“And -” Lena glances around for listening ears. “Supergirl?”
Kara laughs a little. “I’m sure she’s,” she makes a twirling gesture with her finger, “checking the perimeter.”
“I’d love it if she could make an appearance,” Lena hints and Kara gives her a look.
“Then I’m sure she will.”
Lena smiles at her, relaxing just a little. “I still hate these things,” she confesses quietly.
“I know,” Kara says with a laugh and it soothes something tight inside Lena. “At least your mother isn’t here,” she adds wryly and Lena lets out an amused exhale.
“Very true.”
“You know,” Kara starts, tone slow like she’s not sure she wants to say what she has to say. “You could have cancelled it. Probably should have.”
“No. I couldn’t cancel it,” Lena replies with a soft laugh. “You’ve never understood that part.”
“Maybe I understand it better than you think,” Kara says and there they are again, talking to each other with waves of emotional undercurrents that Lena has no idea how to navigate.
She does the only thing she can think of. “I had Irazu cater the dessert table,” she says and Kara’s eyes go predictably wide as she glances over to the table in question.
“Really?’
“Yeah,” Lena says with a soft laugh and a nod. “You should go try it.”
Kara looks about ready to do exactly that, her eyes stuck on the assortment of desserts.
“I’ll wait here for Supergirl,” Lena adds, drawing Kara’s gaze back to her.
With a nod of her head and a quick smile, Kara walks away and out of sight.
Seconds later, a different Kara is touching down in front of Lena. Hair down around her shoulders, red cape billowing around her legs, and hands on her hips as she lands.
“Supergirl,” Lena greets warmly, aware of all the watching eyes. This interaction with Kara feels somehow more comfortable than the one before. It’s easier to talk to Kara like this, with the obvious barrier of their respective adult roles between them - superhero and CEO, not Kara and Lena. “I’m glad you could make it.”
“I still think this might be a bad idea,” Kara says, walking towards her.
Lena resists the urge to roll her eyes, smiles politely instead. “Well, why don’t we see how the evening pans out?”
Kara looks ready to keep arguing which Lena thinks is entirely unfair. Supergirl and Kara may be two different people to National City, but they’re only one to Lena. And Kara can’t exhaust an argument as Kara Danvers just to try and pick it back up as Supergirl .
Lena’s eyes have narrowed in warning and Kara must pick up on it because she stops before she’s too close to Lena. “I’ll check the perimeter for any activity and I’ll be back at the first sign of danger.”
It’s more for Lena’s watching guests than Lena and the majority of the people in attendance seem completely mesmerized by the sudden appearance of their local hero.
“Sounds good,” Lena says and just like that, Kara is off, back up into the sky and out of view.
Seconds later, Kara is walking back towards her, blue dress back on as she peels the wrapper off a cupcake. “Thanks,” Lena says quietly once Kara is close and Kara just smiles, stuffs a big piece of her treat in her mouth and offers some to Lena.
Lena declines with a wave of her hand and chuckles a little when Kara shrugs and happily proceeds eating. It’s about then that Lena spots Mike - no, Mon-El, she reminds herself - walking towards them with a casual grin on his face.
She watches his approach warily and Kara must notice because she follows Lena’s gaze and straightens abruptly, shoving the rest of the cupcake in her mouth.
“Mon- Mike!” Kara greets around a mouthful of food and Lena rolls her eyes at that. How Kara has kept a secret identity this long is beyond Lena.
Mon-El eyes her warily. “What’s wrong with your mouth?”
Hastily swallowing, Kara just shakes her head and chuckles a little nervously. “Not-nothing. What are you doing here?”
Mon-El smiles, looks at Lena. “I was invited.” He pauses a little, his smile wavering just a bit. “Right?”
“Of course you were,” Lena replies, tone dripping with false warmth. They’re not dating, Kara had said, but she can’t help the paranoia in her head that tells her something is there. Something maybe Kara doesn’t even notice yet. It curdles in her stomach uncomfortably. “I should go make my rounds.”
Kara looks like she’s about to protest, but Lena turns away from them both before she can hear it, striding quickly across her party towards the bar.
--
They go on four dates and Kara doesn’t kiss her. Doesn’t even make a move to do so.
Lena wonders if maybe Kara didn’t really understand the definition of a date or romantic possibility. Maybe Lena had read the situation wrong, or Kara was even more confused about Earth customs than she realized.
Maybe there’s no kissing on Krytpon, she thinks with a slight amount of horror.
On their fifth date, Kara walks her to her dorm and hugs her goodbye and the question comes bursting out of Lena, unwilling to be held back any longer. “Is there a reason you haven’t tried to kiss me?”
Kara trips, seemingly over her own feet, but recovers and stays standing. “Wh-wh-what?”
Lena thinks about taking it back, but she’s curious. Not to mention she’s getting way too invested. If Kara misinterpreted romance and this isn’t leading anywhere then Lena needs to jump ship before it gets more awkward. She could salvage their friendship, she thinks. Probably. Maybe.
“You haven’t tried to kiss me,” Lena says stepping forward into Kara’s space. “We’ve been on five dates. On Earth, we usually end dates with a kiss. If you want.” It occurs to again her that maybe Kryptonians don’t kiss or something, but the way Kara’s eyes dart down to Lena’s lips indicates she’s following the conversation just fine.
An attractive flush beats into Kara’s cheeks and Lena watches the flitting of Kara’s blue eyes. It takes a moment for Kara to answer. “I’m super into consent,” Kara tells her, soft as a whisper.
Lena’s brow furrows. “What?”
“I was letting you control that part of it,” Kara admits. “I didn’t want to pressure you. I did a lot of reading. On the internet.”
Lena’s brow rises. “The internet told you not to kiss me?”
Kara’s eyes flutter down to look at Lena’s mouth and then back up to her eyes. “Sort of?”
“Don’t believe everything you read online,” Lena jokes, but her heart feels like it’s in her throat because intention starts to fill the air between them. Lena can feel the moment coming like it’s something solid wrapping around them.
“Okay,” is all Kara says before Lena is pushing forward, her fingers gripping into the fabric of Kara’s shirt to pull their lips together.
It’s quick for a first kiss, just a solid pressure between their mouths, but Lena feels like her chest cracks open at the sensation.
She pulls away, looks into Kara’s eyes to make sure her friend is still okay. Kara just blinks at her, her pupils dilated and cheeks red. “Okay,” Kara repeats, licking out against her lips. “The internet is stupid.”
Lena’s laugh gets swallowed by the sudden reapplication of Kara’s mouth.
--
It’s easy to see Kara from across the party even from where Lena’s standing near the bar.
An executive from Fidelity Investments is talking to her about his stock portfolio, but Lena isn’t fully tuning in. She takes a sip of champagne and eyes the way Kara and Mon-El are still talking to each other.
Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. And it’s one she has absolutely zero right to feel. She’s the one that broke it off with Kara, she’s the one firmly demanding they give each other space. It’s been four years since they last meant anything to each other and if Kara wants to spend her time with a cute boy from a planet not unlike her homeworld, then who is Lena to stand in the way?
None of that helps, though, when she sees Mon-El grab Kara’s hand and drag them into a waltz across the makeshift dance floor. Lena’s fingers tighten around her champagne flute so abruptly that she almost feels it give way under the pressure.
“Miss Luthor?” The gentleman in front of her is saying and Lena’s startled back into her present conversation.
“Sorry-” she starts, but is saved by the loud sound of a sudden explosion that rocks the entire party.
She catches Kara’s eye immediately, the two of them staring at each other in silent communication before Kara’s jogging away and Lena moves to greet the trio of criminals striding into her party like they have a right to it.
“Oh, you picked the wrong party to crash,” she informs the leader with a smirk.
“I don’t think so, princess,” he retorts before reaching forward and tearing off her necklace forcefully. She sneers at him as she feels it happen and thinks to grab for it, or punch him or something, but Kara’s sudden presence stops her.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t be here?” Kara is asking, flying above all their heads and glaring. Lena can see the slight tinge of a glow in Kara’s eyes like she’s just barely restraining herself from blasting the three guys.
“Actually, I was counting on it,” he says and Lena watches with wide eyes as the alien weapon in his hand starts to charge. It’s different than the one she had seen him wield on the news before. A curl of worry wraps around her heart and she scrambles for a way to disarm him before he aims the weapon at Kara.
That’s the entire point of this, she remembers suddenly. There’s a black body field generator under the small stage at the far end of the party and she needs to get there to activate it.
Two of the armed men shoot at Kara and Lena watches as Kara crumples to the ground, smashing the concrete underneath her. It makes her chest burn, but she focuses on the task at hand and scrambles towards the stage, falling to her knees almost painfully and slipping underneath the white skirt.
The cylindrical device is there from when she planted it hours before, but when she goes to activate it, nothing happens. Hours in the lab poring over this thing and the moment she needs it, it’s nothing more than a paperweight.
She hits it on the side, frustrated and clicks it off and on a few times to no avail.
“Dammit,” she hisses before wrenching off the top and peering at the insides, trying to figure out what’s going wrong. She clicks on a small flashlight she had hidden in a toolbox under the stage and darts her gaze through all the wiring, poking and prodding to see what happens.
The sound of screams and crashes echo from outside, but Lena tries to put it out of mind. The image of Kara grimacing as she hit the ground threatens to derail her and she has to shake her head just to get it to clear.
Suddenly, another body invades her space, tumbling under the white skirt around the stage and turning to look at her with surprise.
“Do you mind?” She asks, sharply, angered at a new distraction. The device under hands suddenly pops with a sudden spark of life, some of the wiring starting to smoke. She clenches her teeth, frustrated it’s not working like she wants it to, even as the newcomer scrambles closer to her.
“Whoa, wait, wha - Is that a black body field generator?”
“It will be,” Lena grumbles, fiddling with the wiring and trying to focus. “If I can get it working.”
“This whole party. You - you - you set a trap for these guys!”
“Yeah, a trap that will fail unless I can get this operational.” Her mind diverts again to Kara and she hopes she’s holding strong against the alien weaponry. There’s the familiar zoom sounds of Kara zipping through the air, but there are screams, crashes, weapon fire too. Her fingers are almost shaking, and she’s praying to god that the enormous crashing sound she hears isn’t Kara getting thrown around by these idiots, or that the people aren’t screaming because Supergirl is down and not getting up.
“Uh, okay,” the stranger is saying, leaning over to observe her device. She thinks about shoving him away, but can’t waste the time. “So if the black body is at equilibrium with the alien weapons then it will absorb the electromagnetic radiation and shut them down. This is genius.”
Lena doesn’t have much time right now for praise. Nor a useless description of a device she built. She knows how it damn well works.
“I know,” she says, eying the innards of the generator and trying to see what she’s missing. It feels like it’s something obvious, something she’s just not noticing and she starts to talk herself through it, “But the frequency and the wavelength - they’re a match so -” It occurs to her suddenly as she stares at the device and she looks over at the newcomer to see matching realization on his face.
“The induction coils,” they both say at the same time.
The stranger at least seems to know what he’s doing and she lets him reach forward as she holds the light out. It only takes a few seconds of fiddling before she hears the generator hum to life. The two of them smile at each other in triumph and he nods at her.
“Punch it,” he says and she does so, feeling the moment it works and hearing an answering explosion outside the platform.
They scramble out from under the stage and Lena straightens her dress, taking a deep breath. The sight ahead of her is pleasing - the three criminals from before now crouch weaponless and afraid near where Kara is standing.
That is until she sees Kara’s face, a look of concern that morphs to relief and then on to confusion, as her eyes look between the stranger and Lena.
“Oh no,” he starts to say, gesturing between the two of them and looking at Kara nervously. They must know each other, Lena thinks, as the stranger starts to stammer out an explanation. “We weren’t - we weren’t….under there. We…”
Lena watches him fumble for words with confusion. Kara is looking straight at her now and Lena can’t help the quick once over she gives her ex, subtly checking for any signs of injury. When she looks back to Kara’s face, a hint of unhappiness is starting to bloom there, looking behind Lena to under the stage and back to Lena and the man next to her. The thousand yard stare on her face when she looks to the stage is a burst of memory for Lena, an obvious giveaway to Kara using her x-ray vision.
“We stopped it!” The stranger finally says, giving Kara a double thumbs up. It makes her ex-girlfriend laugh. Lena takes the distraction to press out the last of the wrinkles in her dress and turn away.
Kara looks like she’s going to walk over to her, but Lena would really like another drink to calm her rattled nerves, the adrenaline from before leaving her so swiftly that she feels like she could lie down and sleep for a day.
It’s perhaps bad form to leave her own party early, especially in the wake of its destruction, but Lena doesn’t want to be there any longer than she needs to be. She grabs a bottle of champagne that survived the attack and makes her way back to her own office building as quickly as she can.
She knows Kara will find her later - can tell from the heated way Kara looked at her as if she was putting everything together - and Lena’d like to be about halfway to drunk before that happens. She can’t imagine Kara will be pleased to know she was merely a pawn in Lena’s scheme.
--
“If you hate it so much, don’t go,” Kara says one evening when Lena’s putting the last of her jewelry on and straightening out her black cocktail dress.
“I can’t not go,” Lena replies, exasperated. They’ve been going around in circles about this for the last half hour, Kara insisting that Lena be her own person, and Lena insisting that she has responsibilities. It isn’t a new argument, but tonight, after a brisk phone call from her mother about what she’ll be overseeing once she graduates in four months, getting out of that “hellhole university” - after that, Lena’s patience is wearing thin.
“I don’t see why not.” Kara shrugs from her seat at Lena’s desk.
“I know you don’t,” Lena sighs. “That’s the problem.”
“Every time you go, you complain the entire time while getting ready and afterwards you’re exhausted and-”
“Kara,” Lena interjects more sharply than she intended. She doesn’t need to hear Kara tell her things she already knows.
“I understand that you have responsibilities,” Kara says, and Lena rolls her eyes. “I do, don’t scoff like I don’t understand your life.”
“Kara,” Lena says, trying to not bite her lip out of irritation. “I don’t think you do understand. One day, I’m going to help run a company, and that means doing things that I don’t like.”
“It doesn’t have to,” Kara says, and she reaches out across the distance between them. Lena doesn’t take her hand. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy,” Lena says, though it comes out like there’s a gun held to her head. “I’m not going to fight with you about this.”
“We’re not fighting,” Kara says, her hands raising defensively.
“We will be,” Lena warns.
Kara’s lips thin, shoulders sagging. “I’m not trying to make you mad. You’ve just been so - stressed about graduating and going to Metropolis and you won’t talk to me about it and I’m worried. I’m just not a big fan of things that upset you.”
“You’re the only thing upsetting me right now,” Lena snaps. It’s a lie, and overly harsh. She regrets it immediately, but she’s tired. Tired of having this argument every single time Lena has to do something like this. Tired of trying to find a balance between duty to her family and a selfish desire to do exactly what Kara is suggesting, to tell Lillian to let her be and to just live a life with this girl, who sees right through her.
Kara looks taken aback by her words, curling into herself like she no longer knows what to do. On a heavy exhale, Lena paces forward across the distance between them and cups Kara’s cheek. “I’m sorry, that didn’t come out the way I meant it.”
“I don’t want to upset you,” Kara says in a small voice that makes Lena wince.
“You didn’t,” Lena denies. “I’m just-” she waves around with her free hand, hoping Kara understands.
“I don’t like the way these things make you feel,” Kara whispers, looking up at Lena with soft blue eyes. Lena hears what Kara isn’t saying. These things really mean your mother and Lena’s not too fond of the feeling either. But she has responsibilities to her family that she can’t just shrug aside, no matter how they make her feel.
“I’ll be fine,” Lena says in an attempt to reassure.
“You should always be fine,” Kara says, insists really, her hands reaching up to grip Lena’s on either side of her face. “I can’t use my powers, but I can protect you from being sad.”
Lena blinks, and lets Kara pull her hands down, raising one up to her mouth and kissing it. Kara’s hands drift over the watch Kara had given her almost a year ago. She looks so genuine, so beautiful, that Lena wants to collapse into her arms, to tell Kara how scared she is, how she’s terrified and certain that she will have to leave this room behind, leave Kara behind. How angry she is that her family’s legacy will leave this wonderful girl in the dust, how that legacy would crush her if Lena brought Kara with her into the future.
But Kara is looking at her with such love that Lena couldn’t bear to let her feel anything different. So instead, Lena protects Kara and smiles.
“I love you,” she says, and the thrilled smile that always fills up Kara’s face when she says those words fills Lena up with such joy that the rush of sadness that comes after is nearly debilitating.
“I love you, too,” Kara says, and she reaches up to press one soft kiss to Lena’s lips. “I’ll still be up when you get back. We can order some Red Dragon and watch The Wizard of Oz.”
As she gets in the car, it’s hard to ignore the painful, insistent feeling that there are only so many more times that she’ll get to come home to Kara Danvers before it’s all over.
--
“You planned that,” is the first thing Kara says to her when she lands on her office balcony later that night.
Lena stands up from where she had been leaning against the rail and shoots her ex-girlfriend a bland look. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“This whole gala,” Kara says heatedly, following Lena when she turns to walk back into her office. If she’s going to get into a fight with Kara it’s probably best to move them into relative privacy. She doesn’t relish the thought of reading about a Luthor-Super catfight in the morning papers.
“What about it?”
“You threw a fundraiser so you could lure those guys there and destroy their weapons with your black body whatever it was.”
“Black body field generator,” Lena supplies.
“You set a trap.”
Lena turns as soon as they’re both inside the office and shrugs, affecting an innocent expression. “So?”
“So you didn’t tell me!”
“What does that matter?” Lena asks, crossing her arms. “You were there to protect the party in the off chance they showed up. They showed up. You protected the party. I disarmed them with my device. The plan went flawlessly, regardless of whether or not you were in the know.”
“You took a big risk and you kept me out of it,” Kara says, stepping forward, finger pointed at Lena in clear accusation.
“And what? You think you hold the monopoly on risk taking?”
“I’m bulletproof,” Kara says, pointing at her chest and stalking in Lena’s direction. They’re mere feet apart. “It’s hardly a risk when I do it.
“You’re not invulnerable, Kara,” Lena retorts. “Things can still hurt you, kill you even.”
“Not anything on this Earth.”
“Kara, They had alien weaponry,” Lena says incredulously. “The kind that very clearly can damage you. You got blown into a building!”
“I had it under control. I don’t need you throwing yourself headfirst into dangerous situations. This is just like that thing with Roulette.”
“That thing with Roulette,” Lena parrots, defensive. “That thing where I had to tell you for the hundredth time that I make my own choices and you don’t get to tell me what to do.”
“And I told you that those choices affect me,” Kara replies angrily.
“That’s not my problem,” Lena says, matching Kara’s ire. “I saw an opportunity to do some good and I took it.”
“You put yourself in a position in which you could have been seriously hurt,” Kara corrects.
“I refuse to live in fear,” Lena says. “You more than anyone should understand that.”
“A little fear might do you some good. You’re not some sort of vigilante, Lena.”
“So what? You’re Supergirl now and you’re the only person that’s allowed to take risks in the name of justice? I’m a Luthor, right? What do I know about the greater good?”
A dark look covers Kara’s face so swiftly that Lena nearly gasps. “I do not think that and you know it.”
Lena does know it, in some deeper place. Kara had never thought of her as anything other than Lena , a independent being from her family, worthy of being judged on her own merits. “What then?” Lena asks. “I’m not allowed to do something when I’m able to?”
“Are you forgetting that your brother has been hiring people to kill you? That you’re one of the most high profile people in this city and you have a target on your back?”
Lena doesn’t need to be reminded of something so obvious and painful. She feels her features shutter in response and Kara’s expression goes suddenly soft when she sees it. “I haven’t forgotten, no,” Lena says lowly.
“Lena,” Kara says slowly, almost as in warning. “I’m just pointing out that you need to be more careful.”
“Maybe you’re the one that needs to be more careful.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I see it on the news all the time, Kara. Ever since you became Supergirl. You just race off into dangerous situations without so much as a second thought. I’m supposed to just sit around and accept that?”
“Yes!” Kara says, looking at Lena like she’s crazy. In that moment, Lena thinks she actually might be, but there’s emotion bubbling up inside her and threatening to burst out. “That’s my job, Lena.”
“Well if I have to accept it, then so do you.”
“Accept what?”
“That I care about this city and protecting it and if I see an opportunity to do some good then I-”
“No,” Kara interrupts.
“No what?”
“You need to quit it with this reckless insane death wish behavior or I swear to Rao, I’ll-”
“You’ll what?” Lena challenges, chest heaving with the effort of bringing air into her lungs.
Kara doesn’t answer, just keeps her hands on her hips, glaring at Lena with the same kind of frustration Lena feels deep in her gut. “You make me so mad,” Kara confesses, the words pulling out of her sharply.
“Why?” Lena asks, hands shrugging upward. “Why do you feel like you have any right to-”
“Because I just got you back and I refuse to lose you again,” Kara practically shouts, cutting off Lena’s words.
And just like that there’s no sound in the office apart from Lena’s breathing, heavy and pained as they stare at each other. The tension between them is so tight that Lena’s sure it’s going to break at any second.
And it does.
With little warning Lena’s senses get invaded with Kara, their bodies pressing flush against each other and lips crashing hastily together. She doesn’t even have time to process anything - the attack on her senses so overwhelming that all she can think is Kara, Kara, Kara, Kara.
The kiss snaps something inside her and she’s helpless against her response, her hands are pushed against Kara’s chest, fingers finding purchase on the crest emblazoned there and she scratches at it, desperate to hold onto something. Kara’s arms are wound around Lena’s waist and she thinks maybe Kara has picked her up off the floor, just slightly, but Lena’s brain is in a fog.
Hands start pulling Lena’s blouse out of her skirt and suddenly Kara’s fingers are tracing the skin of her lower back. The feeling pushes her hips harder into Kara’s and she lets out a noise against Kara’s mouth.
It’s not until her back hits her office couch that she realizes Kara’s backed them up against it and floated them down.
The painfully familiar feeling of Kara kissing her surges through Lena’s whole body.
It’s like every interaction they’ve had the past few weeks has just been leading to this and Lena feels every piece of her soul react like it can finally relax, like it’s where it’s meant to be.
“Lena,” Kara breathes out, still kissing her. It suddenly tastes like tears between their lips and Lena’s not sure which one of them has started to cry, but she can’t stop kissing, can’t stop pulling Kara closer, always closer.
--
They’re in the regional airport not thirty minutes from campus and Lena cannot stop crying.
Kara’s staring at her with a pained, helpless expression and Lena doesn’t know how to make any of it stop. Her head wars violently with her heart and all she can do is try to get air into her lungs.
“Lena,” Kara says softly, her hands cupping Lena’s cheeks and swiping at fallen tears with her thumbs. “Lena, don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry,” Lena chokes out, trying to get a grip on her damn tear ducts. “I’m sorry. We’re just going different places and we have different responsibilities and long distance just isn’t something I-”
“You don’t have to keep explaining it to me,” Kara says, but her voice sounds strained and hoarse. “You said all this in the car.”
And Lena had. The drive from campus to the airport had been filled with Lena’s careful, logical, rational explanation as to why they had to break up the minute Lena got on the plane back to Metropolis. Kara had argued, of course, but Lena stayed relentless, stubborn in her belief that this was the right thing to do. For both of them.
She had graduated. It was time for her to move on. Leave college behind.
As her mother had already told her on more than one occasion. Lena was going places Kara just couldn’t follow. Lena’s not sure she’d want Kara to anyway.
College is one thing, separate and safe from all the ugliness that taints Lena’s family life. A family life that’s about to mesh with her professional one in a bond that she’ll never be able to break.
Kara is sunshine and happiness and everything good in the universe. And Lena doesn’t deserve to ruin any of that with all of her baggage.
“I don’t want to resent each other five years from now, for any of this to get ugly,” Lena says even as Kara tries to shush her. “We should break it off now before it’s worse in the future.”
“Lena, you said all this,” Kara tells her again.
“I’m sorry,” Lena says, feeling ridiculous and useless and so so so broken.
“Don’t apologize,” Kara says, shaking her head, but she’s crying in time with Lena. “Just please stop crying.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Lena confesses and she hadn’t. If she been thinking clearly instead of allowing herself to fall in love, Lena would have never put them in this position. She should have known from the beginning that it would always end up like this, they’d always end up here. She wishes she could have stopped it.
“Lena, I love you,” is all Kara says in a wet tumble of words and it rips another sob out of Lena’s throat. Kara’s careful understanding manner is somehow making all of this worse. She wishes they were screaming at each other, that Kara’s eyes were angry instead of sad, that she’d feel some sort of righteous fury that would make all of this okay, better.
But there’s none of that. There’s just Kara looking at her with such empathy and love that Lena feels it all over her skin like a blanket.
She surges forward to kiss Kara then, their lips meeting abruptly. Lena can taste both of their tears and Kara’s hands slide around Lena’s waist, picking her up to press them against each other. Blonde hair tangles over Lena’s fingers and she tries so hard not to think that this is the last time she’ll ever get to feel this.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she says again when they break apart and Lena steps back to put some distance between them. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Kara just keeps repeating and they’re left staring at each other.
Suddenly, Kara’s pulling Lena into her chest again, her palm spreading out over Lena’s spine and her lips next to Lena’s ear.
“What are you doing?” Lena asks, but she buries her face into Kara’s shoulder and doesn’t resist the embrace.
“Memorizing your heartbeat,” Kara answers and Lena didn’t think her heart could break any worse, but it does. Shatters on the floor between them.
“I have to go,” Lena says, pushing away from Kara and away from the emotional black hole she’s tumbling into. If they continue on like this Lena will never be able to walk away. She’ll run straight into Kara’s arms and let the cards fall where they may, consequences be damned. Distantly, she can hear her mother laughing at her, the noise ringing in the back of her mind.
Kara’s nodding rapidly like she’s trying to convince herself it’s okay and Lena swipes again at her wet cheeks, the vision of Kara blurring as she reaches to pick up her carry-on bag and ticket.
“Take care of yourself,” Lena says, watching as Kara crosses her arms over her chest, curls in on herself.
“I’ll see you,” Kara replies with such confidence that Lena’s chest feels impossibly tight, like it’s trying to squeeze everything there is out of her heart.
An I love you sits on the tip of her tongue, threatening to come bursting out, but it feels too cruel. Like she doesn’t deserve to say it to Kara anymore. Instead, she forces a smile on her face and turns away from Kara, walks towards security and bites the inside of her cheek to try and stop her tears.
She spends the entire flight to Metropolis struggling against the continued wash of tears in her eyes as she deletes every memory she has of Kara from her phone. It’s better this way, she tries to tell herself. Out of sight out of mind.
By the time she lands she’s figured out how to compose herself, all the tears exhausted. She slides into a sleek black car sent to pick her up and repositions the mantle of the youngest Luthor child back onto her shoulders. It fits a little differently than it had before college, but it’s still familiar. It’s almost too easy to remember how to play this part, to slide back into this life. She wonders if maybe that’s because Kara’s not there anymore to remind her of how differently her life could be, how much lighter it could feel.
If she takes the first opportunity to spend three months in Tokyo opening up a new tech lab, it’s only because the distance between her heartbeat and Kara’s ears makes it easier to play the roles she’s meant to.
--
Kara’s got a hand against Lena’s hip, fingers dipping beneath the waistband of her skirt and Lena’s brain is scrambling around trying to figure out how the hell someone gets a supersuit off a superhero. She’s just managed to find a zipper in the middle of Kara’s back, beneath the cape, is tracing her finger up the line of it, prompting a shiver from Kara -
Then suddenly everything stops.
One second, Lena’s got one hand tangled in Kara’s hair, the other just finding the pull of the suit, her lip biting against Kara’s and the next she’s alone and Kara on the other side of the room staring at her with wide eyes.
“Wha-what?” Lena asks throatily, sitting up and fixing her hair. Her heart is thudding so hard against her chest that she can feel it across her entire body and Kara looks like she’s breathing hard - a rare look on a being that doesn’t live off the same oxygen intake as humans.
“Someone’s coming,” Kara hisses, still staring at Lena like she’s desperate to touch her again.
Lena shoots up so quickly she nearly falls forward and her eyes dart to the door as she readjusts her clothing - she tugs her skirt back down and tucks her shirt back into the waistband.
“Your lipstick,” Kara tells her and suddenly Kara’s back in front of her, handing her a tissue.
Seconds after she feels confident she’s fixed her makeup and rearranged her outfit enough that she doesn’t project that freshly made out look any longer, her mother waltzes into her office.
Lena’s stomach, once tight with sudden arousal, drops like a brick in water.
“Oh,” her mother says with a tight smile, glancing at where Kara is standing near the balcony. “I didn’t realize you had company.”
Kara’s looking at her mother with a look somewhere between shock and scorn, and Lena’s desperate to pull Lillian’s attention away from National City’s resident superhero and her ex-girlfriend. Kara had only met Lillian once, but the meeting hadn’t gone particularly well and Kara had never really been shy about expressing her distaste for Lena’s mother.
Lena is sure that Kara blames their breakup on Lillian in some part. This is your mother talking, Kara had said during their last car ride together.
“I was merely thanking Supergirl for her help tonight at my party,” Lena says, grateful her voice stays steady even as her fingers shake with the roller coaster of emotion her body has gone through in the last hour.
“Is that so?” Her mother says, turning to look at Supergirl again.
Lena strides forward, stepping between her mother and Kara and tries to get Kara to stop glaring at her mother like she’s going to heat vision her face off. “She was just leaving,” Lena adds pointedly, gesturing towards her office balcony.
Kara looks like she’s about to argue, but Lena just narrows her gaze in warning and hopes Kara will leave them be. The last thing Supergirl needs is unwanted attention from Lillian Luthor.
“Right,” Kara says with a glance at Lillian. “Of course.”
Kara steps backward onto the balcony and turns, shooting one last tortured look at Lena.
“I’ll call you later,” Lena whispers, subvocally, but she knows Kara will pick it up.
When she turns, her mother is eyeing the balcony with disdain and Lena’s heart is still beating so erratically that she’s afraid she might collapse at any moment.
“Mother,” Lena greets, moving back around her desk if only to put something physical between herself and her mother, something to ward against whatever her mother’s here to tell her.
“I’m sorry I missed your party,” her mother starts and Lena just looks back with an unaffected expression.
“What else is new, Mom?”
“So that’s a no on the pleasantries, then,” her mother says with a little cluck of her tongue. Lena can hear the echo of years of lessons on manners and the like resound around them. She keeps her chin lifted and forces herself to keep eye contact with a woman who never fails to make her feel like a disappointment.
“What are you here for? Certainly not for idle chit chat.”
A brow arches primly over Lillian’s eye. “I didn’t realize you were friends with Supergirl.”
A thread of unease winds its way around Lena’s spine. “I’m not,” she denies, keeping gaze with Lillian’s despite feeling she’s being observed critically, like her mother knows there’s something there to figure out.
“Does the Girl of Steel normally make personal office calls? To Luthors?”
“I’m not a real Luthor,” Lena counters. “Or so you always remind me.”
An sardonic smile crosses Lillian’s face. “Don’t be petty, dear.”
“What can I do for you, Mom?” Lena feels desperate to be done with this conversation. It’s just one more emotional attack today that threatens to completely upend her. She wants to go home, sink into her bed and avoid all her problems.
“Can’t a mother just want to visit her daughter and apologize for missing her gala?”
“Sure she can,” Lena says, “If we had anything resembling a normal mother-daughter relationship.”
“This is still a family company,” Lillian replies testily. “A Luthor company.”
Lena glances towards the new L Corp logo displayed on a wall to her side and gives her mother a smug smile. “Is it?”
Lillian has that pinched look she always gets when they have to talk for more than five minutes and Lena doesn’t have the time for a full on Lena-Lillian stand off.
“Maybe I should come back at a time when you’ve remembered how to be respectful.”
Lena holds back a sigh, but takes the exit that’s being offered. “Maybe you should.”
Her mother scowls so deeply Lena’s positive she’s in for another lecture, but then Lillian just turns on her heel and strides out of the office.
--
When she gets home, she doesn’t call Kara. Can’t find the strength to even consider it.
Instead, she falls directly on her couch and struggles not to think about a different couch in her office, the way it felt when Kara pressed her down against the cushions.
She does everything she can not to think about that one moment when everything felt right.
It’s too hard, the memories far too fresh, and Lena presses her hands against her eyes in aggravation at herself.
There’s a bottle of 2005 Pas de Nom Pinot Noir sitting in her wine rack and she pours herself a glass before taking a way-too-large gulp considering how much the bottle costs. After pouring a second glass she strides back to her couch, sits on it and clicks the TV on, flipping through to the news.
The incident at the gala is being covered, naturally, and Lena watches her own picture get put up on the screen. Her nose curls up a bit. They always use the worst pictures of her - this one from a corporate event three years ago.
The image flips then to grainy cellphone footage of Supergirl flying over the party, her guests running haphazardly in every direction. She takes a heavy sip of her wine.
Then just like that, Kara is on the screen, hands at her hips and bright smile, and Lena fights hard not to think of the way that smile felt against her skin only an hour ago.
“I had some help,” Supergirl is saying in response the interviewer's question. “If it wasn’t for Miss Luthor’s ingenuity and bravery we wouldn’t have been able to apprehend these individuals so successfully.”
“So it’s true then,” the woman interviewing Kara says. “A Luthor and a Super teamed up to save National City?”
When Kara looks right at the camera, it feels like she’s looking straight at Lena when she says softly, “Very true.”
Lena turns the television off at that, her hand shaking where it clutches at her wine glass. Her skin burns with the memory of Kara’s lips, Kara’s fingers dipping low, and it takes everything Lena has not to give into the feeling and drown in it.
She settles for finishing her glass of wine and pouring another, taking it into the bedroom and praying she’ll fall asleep quickly and without dreaming.
It doesn’t work. When she falls asleep, it’s the same old dream, the one she had almost every night for months after they broke up. Kara is waiting for her when she gets in the door. She smiles. She kisses Lena. She says, “Welcome home.”