6. Chapter 6(2)
“I’m okay,” Lena tells her for what feels like the hundredth time since the accident. “You were there, you got me out. I’m okay.”
“I’m literally invulnerable,” Kara replies with a half smile. “And I couldn’t even save my girlfriend - What if I hadn’t been able to hear your heartbeat? What’s going to happen when you’re -”
“Kara,” Lena admonishes, suddenly realizing what this is about. “There was nothing you could have done differently.”
“I just keep thinking about it in my head. Over and over and over again and I-”
“You have got to stop,” Lena says, cupping at Kara’s cheeks and smiling at her, trying to provoke a similar expression. It doesn’t quite work, and all Lena sees is despair swimming in those pretty blue eyes.
“I can’t,” Kara confesses on a shaky exhale, her hands running form Lena’s hips to the center of Lena’s back, pressing there.
Lena observes her for a long moment, her thumbs stroking at soft skin. “Did you know that when my dad died it was from a disease that maybe one in every six million people contract?”
Kara startles out of her sadness for a second, confusion shadowing her face that Lena’s sure is because she rarely talks about her father. The memories sometimes too painful to face, still too fresh even though it’s been years.
“One day he was fine and the next he was dying from something inside him that none of us saw coming,” she says, ignoring the ache in her chest when she remembers being pulled out of school and whisked away to the hospital. “My mother is a doctor. The best in her field, and she couldn’t do anything but watch him die. All the wealth and the genius in the world and we couldn’t save him.”
“Lena,” Kara says softly and her arms are wrapping around Lena’s waist in comfort, pulling them closer. It warms across Lena’s skin and gives her the strength to make her point.
“And he apologized,” Lena tells her with a watery laugh. “Apologized for dying. Like it was his fault.” She shakes her head and clears her throat. “Things happen. Things completely out of our control,” she says quietly. “And the only thing I can remember thinking after he died was that I wish I had let him win just once at chess.”
Kara laughs a little and Lena smiles. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future,” Lena says quietly, her thumb running over Kara’s bottom lip. She kisses her quickly because the need becomes too much and Kara’s hands run up under Lena’s shirt, the warmth of it comforting against the skin of her back. “But what I do know is that if something does happen, something bad, I don’t want to look back and think I wasted one second of my life with you.”
“I hate the idea that you could go somewhere I can’t follow,” Kara says softly and it cuts across Lena’s chest so painfully she has to swallow against the harsh feeling. She knows Kara means it in a more morbid manner than Lena hears it, but she can’t help but think of the not-so-distant future, of a life after college and responsibilities Lena has been unwilling to confront so far. She wants to live in the present, here with Kara, and without the looming possibility that their whole lives might change.
“You can’t live in fear,” Lena tells her, pressing a palm against Kara’s chest to feel the comforting thud of her heartbeat.
“Help me,” Kara says soft and pleading and Lena gets wrapped up in it.
She kisses Kara again, solid significant pressure. “Always.”
--
It takes about twenty minutes for Lena to get her whole statement out to the cop that interviews her and she can feel Kara hovering in her peripheral the entire time.
The rest of the DEO agents that had finally made it there have spent the time sweeping the area, collecting the rocket launcher and what was left of the fake virus. They’ve since cleared out, but Kara remains after they’ve left.
When she’s finished and the cop walks away from her with a grateful smile, she turns to Kara, lifting her shoulders up and taking a deep breath in preparation. Kara doesn’t come closer, just stands where she is, arms crossed as she watches Lena with an inscrutable expression.
They stare at each other for a moment and Lena isn’t sure what to do. Kara seems as if she’s not going to say anything soon and it’s chilly enough that Lena isn’t going to stand out here for hours and have a staring contest. With a heavy sigh she pulls her gaze away and makes as if to leave. It’s only Kara calling after her that stops her.
“Yes?” Lena asks, feeling defensive even though Kara hasn’t said anything yet.
Kara steps closer, looks as if she’s going to reach out, but doesn’t. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Lena shrugs, doesn’t have an answer to that other than, “Would you have gone along with it if I had?”
“Yes,” Kara says with a kind of conviction that Lena knows is forced. She gives Kara a look until Kara relents just a tad. “Maybe.”
“Exactly.”
“That was dangerous,” Kara says and it’s then that Lena notices the shake to Kara’s hands where they’re resting against her biceps as if it’s the only thing holding her together.
“It was fine,” Lena tells her. “I’m fine. And now we have my mother in custody.”
“You shouldn’t-”
Lena puts her hand up to forestall whatever Kara’s about to say and exhales noisily out her nose. “Kara,” she pleads, taking a step closer. “I’m tired. Can we do this some other time? You’re free to tell me all about the risks of my behavior later, but for tonight can we-”
“Yeah,” Kara says, uncrossing her arms, but her jaw trembles just a bit like she’s going to lose it at any second. “Sure.”
Neither of them move and they just idle there together for a long moment.
“You were just gone,” Kara confesses in a small voice and Lena feels like her heart is in a vice grip at the sound of it.
“What?”
“You just left and I didn’t know where you were and-” Kara looks away, her face screwing up like she’s in pain and her foot tapping a little on the ground. “Your heartbeat was going all over the place and I just-”
Lena sees the terror there now, hadn’t considered this kind of reaction when she had first devised her plan. Kara would be angry, sure. Lena expected anger - the kind she had gotten after the incident with Roulette or after the gala. She hadn’t expected Kara to be looking at her with an expression Lena’s only really seen one other time - from a hospital bed.
“It wasn’t hard to figure out what you were doing - well Alex figured it out - and when I realized you were somewhere out there with your mother who for all we know wants to -” Kara’s words choke out suddenly and Lena feels her heartbeat start to pick up, the thud of it almost painful against her ribcage.
“Kara,” Lena says sadly, approaching her with the kind of caution she’d give a wounded animal. Kara looks liable to break at any moment and Lena hates that she’s the cause.
“I’m sorry,” Kara says with a shake of her head and a smile that doesn't meet her eyes. “I’m not trying to - I’m sorry.”
Lena’s instincts are yelling at her, a natural response to Kara looking like she does, and she stops fighting it. She crosses the distance between them and wraps her arms around Kara’s shoulders, one hand resting at the back of Kara’s head to bring her into a warm hug. Kara goes practically boneless the second Lena touches her and collapses into the embrace, her fingers clutching at the back of Lena’s jacket and her face pushing into Lena’s shoulder.
“I’m the one that’s sorry,” Lena murmurs, hugging Kara as tight as she can, the words whispered into loose blonde hair. “I didn’t think.”
They stay there for a long moment and Lena spares a thought for being glad no one else is around. She’s sure the sight of Lena Luthor cradling Supergirl would draw attention from more than a few people.
After Kara seems to relax from the shakiness of earlier, she pulls back just a little, still holding onto Lena’s body tightly. Lena takes in a lungful of air as she does and Kara clears her throat, the sound thick and significant.
“Can I take you home?” Kara asks and Lena doesn’t have the heart to say no.
“Yeah,” she says with a watery smile. “Sure.”
Something eases in Kara’s posture and it validates Lena’s decision. With a step forward, Kara scoops Lena up in her arms and jumps up into the air.
--
They land on Lena’s balcony with a soft thud, but when Kara sets Lena on her feet neither of them move away from each other. Lena eyes the dark expanse of her apartment through the glass door of the balcony and takes a shaky breath. The thought of being alone right now spikes a tendril of fear through her that she’s not used to. She can’t get the smiling image of her mother out of her mind and Kara’s close presence feels like the only thing keeping her calm at the moment.
“I’ll call you tomorrow?” Kara is asking, her palm resting on the small of Lena’s back.
“Sure,” Lena croaks out with a nod, eyes still on the dark furniture of her living room.
Kara steps away then, though her fists clench like she’s trying to resist something. Likely the same thing Lena’s trying to restrain herself from doing. “Goodnight, Lena,” Kara says and her knees bend a little as if she’s ready to take off.
“Stay,” Lena says so softly she’s afraid even Kara won’t hear it. But she must, because her ex-girlfriend’s eyes go a little wide and she bounces in place a little.
“What?"
“Stay,” Lena repeats, but doesn’t raise her voice, afraid if she says it too loud something will break between them. “The night. With me.”
“Lena,” Kara starts, looking unsure. “What happened to boundaries?”
It’s odd to hear Kara being the one advocating for something Lena had been so adamant they needed. And she’s not wrong. An invitation to stay the night crosses over the lines Lena’s been so careful to draw, but there’s a need for it that Lena is too tired to fight against.
“Just tonight,” she clarifies with a shake of her head. “After everything with my mother and with-”
Kara reaches out and grabs Lena’s hand, warmth shooting up across Lena’s chilled skin. “I’d feel better if you were here,” Lena finishes with a soft smile. “And I think you’d feel better too.”
The truth of it flashes like relief over Kara’s face and she nods quietly, allowing Lena to tug them inside.
The inside of her apartment feels cold and impersonal and despite Kara’s warm presence at her back, none of it comforts her. She flips a light on and it’s too harsh, the way it bursts through the darkness. The shakiness only grows as she walks into her kitchen and spots a pile of unread mail on the counter and the invitation to the annual Luthor Family Fundraising Gala sits starkly on the top of it.
Thoughts of her mother threaten to consume her and suddenly her own apartment doesn’t feel as safe as it used to. It feels far too wrapped up in everything threatening about her life.
Kara must notice the wide-eyed way she’s staring at the invitation because she comes over and places a calming hand on the small of Lena’s back. “Lena,” she says, voice barely above a whisper.
Lena turns to her and takes a deep breath, tries to force a smile. Kara just shakes her head.
“Do you want to stay with me instead? At my place?” Kara asks soft and slow like if she says it too quickly Lena might bolt. It’s not far off from the way Lena feels, but her desire to say yes, to sink into Kara and let them both comfort each other is too much.
So she agrees with a nod and a shrug of one shoulder and Kara smiles. “Get some stuff and we’ll head over there. I’m going to check around your apartment.”
--
When they end up back at Kara’s apartment, Lena realizes the error in this plan. Kara’s place is significantly smaller than Lena’s and it’s so full of their relationship that she doesn’t know how they’re going to survive being around each other in such a tight space.
But Kara seems completely unconcerned with any of this and just trounces on in, setting Lena’s bag on the couch and speeding into the bedroom. When she comes back out, her suit is traded for soft sweatpants and an oversized long sleeved shirt. “Bathroom is back there,” Kara says. “You can change and I’ll make tea.”
Lena thinks to say something about her internal dilemma, but Kara is already in the kitchen pulling items out of her cabinets and Lena thinks maybe a few minutes alone is all that she needs. She grabs her bag and heads for the bathroom, locking herself in there and observing herself critically in the mirror.
She’s still in the same outfit she’s been wearing all day, her hair still immaculate in its bun. With a quick kick she rids herself of her heels and lets her toes clench against the subtle ache that’s settled there after the events of the evening. It takes her longer than usual, but she strips and trades her dress for a pair of soft pajama pants and a thick sweater. She spends time washing the makeup off her face and taking her hair down. It’d probably do some good to take a shower, but she has neither the time nor the energy to even attempt such a thing.
When she reemerges, Kara has two cups of tea steeping and Lena picks one up, grateful for its heat bleeding across her palms. Kara watches her as she takes a sip and Lena’s eyes flutter a little at the comforting taste and the feeling of her chest warming up.
“Tired?” Kara asks, leaning back against her kitchen counter.
Earlier, Lena had felt exhausted. So tired she could have collapsed on her floor and slept like the dead, but now she feels like her brain is running too quickly to really sleep and if she gets in bed she’ll just spend the night replaying images of her mother laughing at her from a cop car. “Not really,” she answers.
“Come on,” Kara says, gesturing with her head towards the couch. “I have the best remedy for a crazy night of crime fighting.”
Lena allows herself to laugh a little and follows Kara to the couch, sinking into the cushions with a grateful sigh and taking another sip of her tea while Kara walks to a small shelving unit next to the television. She watches Kara peruse a row of DVDs and Lena can just barely make out some of the titles. “I’m not watching Mamma Mia,” she says with a little smile, feeling lighter than the darkness of earlier.
Kara shoots her half of a pout from over her shoulder, but Lena watches her bypass the movie in question and pluck a different from the shelf. “Singin’ in the Rain,” she says, putting it up in the air with flourish.
Lena shakes her head, but lets Kara put the movie on and settles down further into the couch. The familiar sound of one of Kara’s favorite movies fills the apartment and Lena stops fighting the contented feeling that threatens to wash over her. It had been a long day, after all, and she deserves just a small moment of comfort, a small moment of pretending everything in her life isn’t hanging together by threads. If she closes her eyes, she can almost see the four walls of her dorm room and the way Kara’s smile looked against the blue fabric of her couch as they marathoned movies and TV shows on lazy Saturday mornings.
Finished with her tea, she sets the mug down on the coffee table and trains her eyes on the television, hyper aware of Kara just inches away from her on the couch. Her fingers clench a little on her thigh with the desire to reach out and pull Kara towards her, tangle their bodies together as they have hundreds of times. Instead, she just takes a deep breath, inhales against the scent of Kara all around her and the comfortable feeling of doing something so menial, so normal. Everything in her relaxes.
The feeling of contentment is so strong that Lena doesn’t even remember falling asleep. It feels like her dreams and reality are all blurred together because the next thing she’s really aware of is Kara picking her up from the couch and walking her to bed.
It must be a dream. It feels far too good. Dream Kara sets her down on the bed and Lena sinks into soft bed sheets that smell like they came straight out of her past. Her head feels swampy and slow and she can feel her consciousness getting dragged down deeper into sleep, but she’s barely aware of Kara stepping away from her and her hand reaches out immediately to grip the hem of Kara’s shirt, pulling at her.
“Darling,” Lena murmurs, tugging dream Kara towards the bed, can’t handle the idea that she’d leave right now. Can’t handle being in bed, without Kara, alone after this terrible day. “Stay.”
It feels like it takes forever for Kara to move. But, eventually, her familiar presence is sliding in bed next to Lena, their legs tangling together easily like this is something they’ve been doing every night for the past four years. Lena sighs into the feeling and smiles when Kara wraps her arms around her, tugging their bodies together tightly. A good dream, for once.