11. Chapter 11(2)
“That’s not what I meant,” Kara says and Lena resists the urge to roll her eyes.
“I was protecting you in whatever way I can. Just like Alex does every single day. And just like James wants to and even Winn.”
“I don’t need you guys to protect me,” Kara says staunchly. “And definitely not when it seriously increases the chances of everyone getting hurt or worse!” Frustration and anxiety are roiling off her frame, and Lena isn’t quite sure what to do other than touch Kara, to make Kara feel how permanent Lena is.
This time, when Lena runs her hand down Kara’s arm, she pushes down on the small lump of Kara’s bracelet around her wrist. Somehow, this is what gets Kara to uncoil, her arms uncrossing as Lena encircles Kara’s wrist, the indestructible metal hard against her hand.
“If I can protect you, I will,” Lena says. “Always. That’s what this thing is about, right?”
There’s a moment of quiet as Kara closes her eyes and slowly deflates, letting Lena touch her. When she opens her eyes again, she just looks tired, watching Lena carefully.
“I know we were supposed to have dinner,” Kara says, trailing off a little at the end and looking away.
Lena’s not sure how to read her general demeanor at the moment, but she imagines much of it has to do with the stress of the day and she reaches out to put a comforting hand against Kara’s biceps. “It’s fine. We can reschedule. I think that’s kind of becoming our thing.”
Kara smiles at that, but the expression doesn’t quite meet her eyes.
--
Lena gets escorted back to L Corp shortly thereafter, as the DEO rushes into motion over news that Livewire has actually been kidnapped and they’ve been dealing with an even larger mess than anticipated. It’s a strange turn to a strange, confusing day, and sitting in her office chair for the last few hours of the workday is a centering force, even though she can’t stop thinking about the anger on Kara’s face.
As she’s heading home much later that night she gets a text from Alex. We found her.
It’s comforting for a moment, but there’s still a stab of worry from the knowledge that that means Kara is headed towards a dangerous confrontation.
She distracts herself by ordering food and sorting through some work she brought home with her.
Lena’s halfway through throwing out the leftovers of her dinner, the bag poised over her trash can when she hears the familiar sound of Kara landing on her balcony.
“Hey!” Lena greets, wiping her hands on a dishtowel and walking into the living room just as Kara’s stepping over the threshold of her balcony door. “Everything go okay?”
“Yeah,” Kara says, but she doesn’t look victorious as she steps farther into Lena’s apartment. “I guess. Livewire escaped, but we got her kidnappers.”
“What happened?” Lena asks, tracking Kara’s motions as she idles halfway across the living room floor.
“I let her go,” Kara says, shrugging. “She was going to kill the man who abducted her and I - let her escape so she wouldn’t do it. Plus James and Mon-El were captured and I had to rescue them.”
“So it didn’t really go okay,” Lena ventures, watching as Kara crosses her arms and stares at something over Lena’s shoulder. All the anxiety Lena had managed to drain out of Kara’s shoulders has crawled back tenfold.
“No,” Kara says. “Mon-El told me he likes me, too. I just finished rejecting him at my apartment.”
“I’m sorry, darling,” Lena says. Kara shakes her head, looking at Lena and blinking her bright blue eyes.
“It’s okay,” Kara breathes out, squaring herself up. She looks like a superhero, then, like Supergirl, standing tall in Lena’s apartment and looking imperious. “I’m sorry about missing our date again.”
“Who would have thought a Luthor and a Super would have a problem finding enough free time for a date,” Lena jokes, but Kara doesn’t laugh. The silent response twists in Lena’s gut ominously and she watches as Kara sets her hands on her hips and takes an uncharacteristically deep breath.
“I think that,” Kara shakes her head, looks away for a moment before taking a visibly deep breath and lifting her chin to look at Lena. “I think that maybe that’s a good thing.”
“What’s a good thing?”
“I think we shouldn’t,” Kara says vaguely.
Lena blinks. “Shouldn’t what?”
Kara’s jaw is tight, her whole body posture looking like she’s bracing for some kind of impact and Lena feels lost for a moment. “I think we should forget about dinner.”
“What are you-” Lena barely gets half the question out before Kara is talking again.
“I don’t think we should try again. Us. I’m too dangerous to be around.”
It takes a good few seconds for Lena to fully compute what’s happening. She runs the words over in her mind a few times while Kara watches. At first, Lena feels like laughing. Her jaw drops into an incredulous smile and she looks around a little like maybe this is some kind of very elaborate and misguided prank. “You can’t be serious,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
“It’s not a joke,” Kara replies and Lena does laugh at that. It sure as shit better not be a joke because it’s not a funny one in the least.
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Lena turns and walks away for a bit trying to decide how to reply. “You’re saying that you don’t want to-” she trails off, not knowing how to classify what they’re talking about. Don’t want to date me seems juvenile compared to the way she feels about their relationship, but she can’t think of any other way to phrase it.
“The stuff with Livewire made me realize the kind of threat I now pose to us. To you. Now that I’m Supergirl...I’ve made some enemies. She’s a big one.” Kara’s voice wavers over the words, her body looking like it’s one second away from crumbling. “I can’t knowingly put you in that kind of danger. I wasn’t thinking before, but I am now.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” Lena says, mostly to herself.
“I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you because of me.”
“Nothing happened, Kara.” Lena says. “In fact, Livewire wasn’t even the one behind any of this and she had zero interest in me.”
“And yet she’s out there with no better feelings about me than before and if she comes back you’re in danger.”
“Again,” Lena replies feeling like they’re back to running around in endless circles. “Nothing. Happened. Furthermore, last I checked it’s usually pretty dangerous for a Super to be around a Luthor, but that hasn’t seemed to matter in the last however many months.”
“That’s entirely different.”
“So you haven’t been the one constantly assuring me that the danger I bring to this relationship isn’t something that should stop us from trying?”
“You don’t bring danger to this, Lena,” Kara argues. “You mother wants me dead whether or not we even know each other. It wouldn’t make a difference.”
“I’m a public figure, Kara. I don’t need to know you to be in some crazy person’s crosshairs.”
“This wasn’t just some crazy person. This was someone with a vendetta against me that could come after you just because you know me.”
“How many times do I have to remind you that nothing happened? You were worried over nothing.”
“Nothing happened, but something could have.”
Lena throws up her hands in frustration. “So you want to just throw in the towel on mere speculation?”
Kara’s jaw clenches visibly and she just looks at Lena for a moment. “Isn’t that what you did?”
It cuts into Lena unexpectedly, but she sees it for what it is and forces the guilt and the hurt to subside for the moment. “Don’t do that,” Lena warns, her voice feeling uneven despite her efforts.
Lena doesn’t need to explain what that means because Kara’s shoulders sag suddenly and she looks away. “I’m not trying to do anything. I’m just-”
“You’re trying to push me away,” Lena points out.
“For your own good,” Kara argues and Lena bristles.
“You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions.”
“Lena,” Kara sighs, pinching at the bridge of her nose.
“You don’t, Kara,” Lena insists. “No matter what we are to each other, you don’t get to make those kinds of decisions for the both of us. If you don’t want to be with me than so be it, but don’t do it because you think it’s what’s best for me.”
“What I want,” Kara says, chin lifting. “Is for you to be safe. And I need to accept that maybe you’re the safest without me.”
“That’s a ridiculous notion,” Lena dismisses, still not entirely believing how severely their roles have reversed in this moment.
Kara’s eyes harden suddenly with determination and fear. “I have lost so much,” she says in a dark, shaky voice. “I am not going to be the reason I lose you. If I can protect you, I will. Always.”
The words Lena had said earlier at the DEO sound heavy and dark in Lena’s apartment, falling out of Kara’s mouth.
“Kara,” Lena says, and she tries to keep her voice from sounding suddenly shrill, but doesn’t entirely succeed. “Listen to yourself. You can’t let this kind of fear rule your life.”
“Lena, we can’t do this. I won’t,” Kara says with a resigned, final tone that Lena finds herself responding to, her chest lifting and gaze narrowing. Kara spent months fighting for them. Maybe it’s finally Lena’s turn.
“You’re having a hysterical reaction to the situation with Livewire. You’re not thinking clearly.”
“Maybe I’m finally thinking clearly,” Kara argues and Lena can’t help but let out a loud sigh. “I love you. You know that.”
“Then stay here and work on this with me,” Lena says, a hot feeling rising up in the back of her eyes as Kara stands there like a statue, watching her. The space between them feels massive and even in the tense atmosphere, Lena still feels the pull of Kara.
“I just can’t,” Kara whispers, and with that, she turns on her heel and makes it to the balcony, and is gone, into the night air.
Lena blinks at the space Kara just occupied for a long moment. Her hand fiddles with her watch and she pops the face open, briefly considering pressing the button just to send Kara flying back as soon as possible before thinking better of it.
“That did not just happen,” Lena mutters to the empty air of living room. The wind ripples through the curtains of her balcony, and she watches them flutter for a moment before a surge of anger rushes through her. She reaches for her phone, dialing Kara’s number.
Kara picks up, answering with a half-hearted Lena that makes Lena’s chest feel like it’s bursting open with pain, but she’s so angry - she hasn’t been this angry at Kara since she had willfully flown into a fireworks display in college - and Kara’s being so childish, not willing to talk about this -
“You do not just get to fly away from this conversation like a child. Get back here and talk to me,” Lena says, and Kara makes a small noise that has Lena adjusting her tone to something imitative of calm, but her voice is still dark when she adds, “Now.”
And she hangs up, drops her phone on her counter perhaps a little too harshly, and waits.