21. Chapter 21

They are seated across from each other. Andrew shovels food into his mouth like he hasn’t eaten in days.

“Slow down. We have time. You don’t need to rush and get back to work.”

Andrew looks up and over at his sister. He slows his chewing and nods. He’s still trying to get the hang of being back to work. And working in a way that isn’t so frenzied and chaotic. He finishes his mouthful. “So, this new chick? How long do you think it will last?” He knows his sister goes through partners rather quickly. None ever lasting more than a few months. It’s usually hot and heavy at the beginning but then it fizzles out, or something comes up, or they split on her.

Carina sighs annoyed. “Don’t do that.”

He wrinkles his face up at her. “Do what?”

“She is not some chick. Or a fling or a hook up or whatever you Americans call it.” Carina looks down at her plate. “I just- I don’t-“

“What?” He nods at Carina.

Carina shakes her head, not wanting to say.

Andrew kicks her in the shin.

“Ow.” Carina reaches down and grabs her leg. “What was that for?”

“Why don’t you tell me? You have feelings for her?”

Carina frowns. Feelings? She has more than ‘feelings’ for Maya. “I love her.”

“But?” Andrew can sense a but coming.

“But- I feel like a hypocrite.” Carina slumps in her seat.

“Why?” Andrew thinks it’s a simple question.

“I keep telling Maya it’s good to be open and honest with each other, but I haven’t been heeding my own advice. I make her- well, not make her- but she tells me stuff, like personal, hard stuff, feelings. But then I don’t do the same thing. And I can feel it. I could feel it yesterday. I can feel like Maya wants to ask. Like she wants to ask me to share about my life too. But she doesn’t know how or she’s afraid to because she doesn’t want to take any misstep or do anything that’s wrong, or will make me mad at her, or not trust her, or something.” Carina worries her hands together in her lap.

“I feel I’m missing something.” Andrew points his fork at his sister. “Maybe something that you haven’t shared with me.” He raises an eyebrow.

Carina shakes her head. “I’m doing it with you too.” She admits.

“How long have you two been together?”

“Like in total or since-“ Carina gets quiet. Andrew just waits. “She cheated on me.”

“And you’re still with her?” He is surprised by this. “The Carina DeLuca who once told me to never take a cheater back.”

Carina nods at her food. “I know.” She lifts her head and looks over at her brother. “And I still stand by that- mostly.”

“It doesn’t sound like it.” He grumbles gruffly.

She sighs and shakes her head. “Maya is different. I can feel it. I love her.”

“Is love enough though? Is it worth it? What if she does it again?” Andrew hits her with the hard questions.

“I think that’s what I’m afraid of. I think that’s why I haven’t opened up emotionally. I love her. I do. There’s no doubt about that, but I’m holding back. I can feel it. Not giving into the real emotions. Not letting my true feelings come to the surface because I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again. Emotionally, at least. By Maya and even my past relationships. I’m emotionally scarred. And Maya talks about her dad and what he did, and I think it put into perspective the relationship I have with papa and how much that’s messed me up. Somehow, I can tell everyone what to do about their emotions and problems and guide them and help them, but I can’t do the same for myself. Does that makes sense?”

“Perfetto.” Andrew smirks. “Perfect sense.”

“So, I’m a hypocrite?”

“Looks like it.” Andrew starts on his lunch again. “You know what you need to do, I feel. You just need to do it. I don’t know Maya, but she deserves that. If you expect her to be honest with you; then you need to be honest with her. Even if it’s scary. Even if you get hurt in the end. If you love her like you claim you do, then you have to tell her what you’re feeling. It’s only fair. Otherwise, she’s going to resent you at some point. And I doubt you want that.”

Carina shakes her head. “I just feel like- I don’t know.”

“Look, I’ve done a lot of therapy lately. And maybe the crazy guy isn’t the best person you should be getting advice from; but you need to talk to her. You care about the important people in your life. I know that. But you need to care about yourself too. It’s not always about everyone else. Your feelings matter. You don’t need to keep being reserved about them and keep them bottled up to deal with at a later date. Eventually, you run out of later dates.”

Carina hums. “Thanks.”

Andrew nods. “Now tell me all about her. What makes her so great?”

There’s a dreamy look in Carina’s eyes as she thinks about Maya. “What makes her so great?” She repeats the question. “She’s funny and quick witted. She’s brave. So brave. With her job and with coming to term with her own demons. So, she’s brave. She can be super cute and adorable. She’s sexy as hell. Dio mio. She can hold a conversation. Even if she isn’t familiar with the topic. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her about work stuff. And she might not understand all the terms and procedures and stuff, but she sits there and listens and asks inquisitive questions. She’s always thinking ahead.” Carina hums. “Maybe that’s not the greatest thing. But the way her brain works- she’s always got a plan for everything. I think that comes from her job. She’s always prepared for like any situation that might arise.”

“That’s all pretty good.” Andrew comments.

“I’m not done. She cares. She cares about people. She’ll say it’s because she’s a firefighter but it’s not. It’s who she is. If you’re in her circle, she’ll fight tooth and nail for you.” Carina sighs. “I told her about you. And your illness.”

“Carina.” He chides.

“I was in a bad place. And Maya made me feel like I could open up with her. She made me feel comfortable and taken care of. I’ve never had that. She listened and she cared. She wanted to do anything she could to help you. That didn’t end up happening- for reasons, but she wanted to be there. She cares. About me. About you. About her best friends. About her crew. About everyone she knows. I just- I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to start a difficult conversation about myself. I can do it for other people. Why am I so against my own thoughts and feelings?”

“Papa.” Andrew shrugs. He’s learned some hard things about himself in recent weeks in relation to his father and the relationship that they have.

Carina sighs. “Maya thinks I’m the most wonderful thing on the planet. But I don’t feel like that. I feel like I’m just like anybody else. There’s nothing that makes me special.”

“But she thinks you’re special.” Andrew raises an amused eyebrow. “That probably means that you are- to her. That’s a good thing.” He reaches across the table and covers his sister’s hand with his own. “Talk to her. Tell her your life story. Tell her about papa. Tell her about mamma. It sounds like she wants to know. I can tell you love her. Like really love her. So, make her happy, tell her what she wants to know. Open up that big heart of yours and let her all the way in. I know it’s scary and I know it’ll hurt like hell if it doesn’t work out; but there’s no reward without the risk.” He shrugs like her just read off last night’s baseball scores and not like he just gave his sister the advice he knows she needs.

Carina nods, knowing her brother is right. “When did you get so smart?”

“I’ve always been smart.” He smirks and Carina chuckles.

Carina needed this. She needed someone to talk to about Maya. She needed a sounding board. She needed advice. She wonders subconsciously if that’s why she asked Andrea to have lunch with her today.

“Did you know Andy and Sullivan were married?” Maya isn’t sure what Carina knows or doesn’t know. So much happened in such a short period of time and then she blew up their relationship and they didn’t talk about anything that happened in their personal lives for weeks. It feels like every day recently they are playing a game of catch up; bringing up things that have happened that the other might not have heard or known about. “Or that her mother is still alive? Or that she and Sullivan are separated?”

“I knew about the first thing.” Carina points at Maya.

Maya raises an eyebrow. “That they’re married?”

Carina nods. “He announced it at the spaghetti dinner.”

Maya hums.

“When you were in your office.” Carina fills in.

Maya doesn’t need the reminder.

Maya hums again. She decides to change the subject. She has other things she wants to talk to Carina about. Last night, when they got in from work, they fell into bed right away. There wasn’t a lot of talking.

The pandemic has hit hard in Italy. “There’s something I want to ask you.” Maya is going to ask about this. She feels like she needs to.

Maya lays there next to Carina in bed. It’s been on her mind a lot the last few days. It’s been the only thing in the news. And Maya knows that Carina already has a lot going on and she doesn’t want to put anymore burden on her, but she is curious about Carina’s homeland.

“It’s about Italy.”

Carina sighs, knowingly.

“What do you think?” Maya finds her hand and intertwines their fingers. “As a doctor and as an Italian?”

“It’s scary. What’s happening. And this virus is new, so we don’t know much about it or how to treat it or stop it from spreading. In a lot of parts of Italy people literally live on top of each other. Whole families in little apartments like yours. Multiple generations in one apartment even. Whole buildings of people like that. That’s not a good situation for trying to contain the spread of a contagious virus. So, it’s scary.” Carina looks down at her hand in Maya’s. She flexes her hand, squeezing Maya’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” Maya sees the sad look on Carina’s face and regrets bringing up the topic.

Carina gives Maya a tight-lipped smile before rolling over into Maya’s side and pressing her face into her neck. Maya wraps an arm around the Italian. “Tell me about it. Italy. Your favorite things, places, people.”

There are lips pressed against Maya’s neck before the words begin. Carina whispers softly in Maya’s ear. “My favorite place is the beach near where I grew up. My favorite thing is the food. There’s nothing better than authentic Italian food.”

“I think I know that.” Maya presses a kiss to the top of Carina’s head. She loves everything Italian that Carina has cooked for her in their time together.

“La mia famiglia.”

“Your family?”

“Si.” Carina starts twirling her fingers in Maya’s short hair, absentmindedly, as she thinks about all the things in Italy. “My aunties and uncles. All the cousins. We have a big Italian family. My parents were disappointments in only having two children.” Carina chuckles.

Maya notices the hair twirling but tries not to focus on it. “That sounds- loud.” She tries to focus on what Carina is telling her, on what she needs.

Carina laughs lightly.

“It is. All of us together. It is.”

“Do you miss it?”

Carina sighs. “Sometimes. But not all the time. Andrew is here and I’ve been in Seattle for most of the last three years. Part of me will always miss it. But my mamma isn’t here anymore and my papa is- well- he’s got his own problems. He lives in his own little world. I doubt he ever really thinks about me or cares what I’m doing.”

“Hey.” Maya tries to look at Carina. “I doubt that.”

“No.” Carina sits up a little and looks down at Maya. “He told me once. You chose a specialty that women have been doing since the dawn of time. He thinks me delivering babies is a waste of time.”

“It’s not.” Maya says softly.

Carina smiles and leans down for a soft kiss. “Thank you, bella.” This is her opportunity to open up. She knows it. “I told you he has Bipolar I. That he goes into these crazy manic episodes. He doesn’t care about anyone else. I handled those situations for years. Me. Why? I don’t know. Why did I think it was my responsibility to do something about? Why did I have to take care of him? Why was it up to me? Why did I stay there and let him yell at me and degrade me? Why didn’t I get help from somebody else? Why did I just let it continue?”

“If he didn’t want help then there wasn’t anything you could really do.” Maya says. She’s happy that Carina is telling her about this. She wanted to ask but she just didn’t know how. And after everything that’s happened the last thing she wanted to do was upset Carina again.

“No, you’re right. There was nothing I could do.” Carina sits up and throws her hands in the air. “There was nothing I could do.” She raises her voice. “And I still stayed. I stayed. For years. I could have moved to anywhere. I could have come here to where Andrea was. I could have gone anywhere and done anything. But I didn’t. I stayed. How stupida is that?”

Maya reaches out. “It’s not.” She knows why Carina did it. It’s the same reason she kept having her dad train her. To try get their acceptance and love, to please them.

Carina runs her hands over her face in frustration. “And then he was sick, and I left here. I was here. In Seattle. And I left. I left the job I had, the research I was doing. I dropped everything and run to him. For what? So, he could yell at me and berate me and tell me that my specialty was a joke. Why? Why do I feel the need to run to him every time there’s a problem? Or every time he asks me to.” Carina waves a finger in the air. “Non piu.”

“How is it that we both have messed up fathers? We’re just a couple of girls with daddy issues.” Maya tries to joke.

Carina pauses, her stream of thoughts interrupted, and makes a disgusted face. “That sounds so wrong. I have to get out of this bed.” She shakes her head and moves to get up.

Maya reaches out and wraps her hand around Carina’s wrist. “Don’t go.” She whines with a little pout.

Carina leans back in. “I’ll be right back.” She pecks Maya’s lips before getting out of bed. She just needs a minute.

She goes to the kitchen and gets a glass of water and downs the entire thing. Carina sets her hands on the counter and hangs her head. She takes a few deep breaths to try to reel her emotions in. But then she remembers what Andrea said.

“Just feel them.” Carina stands tall for a moment before marching back into the bedroom. “He messed me up more than I ever realized. Like I knew. But now, seeing you deal with your father.” Carina waves her hands in front of herself. “Not that I’m comparing or like it’s a competition or anything. I just- seeing that has made me realize how much emotional damage I actually have. I knew it was there. I have this problem. Problem?” Carina tilts her head to the side thinking that’s probably not the right word. “This thing where I just push it to the back of my mind and then I find someone else with problems and focus on their problems and not my own.” She slaps her hand against her chest as she stands at the end of the bed.

“I went back to Italia when he was really bad. I stayed with him for three months. It was the same old bullshit. I did that.” She hits her chest again. “For what?” And again.

Maya gets up onto her knees and crawls to the end of the bed.

“And then he convinced me to bring him back here. To Seattle. He wanted to work with Andrea. He had this crazy idea about a baby in a bag. That’s insane, Maya. Do you know how insane that is? And he wanted to work with Andrea on a gestational sack. Him. That’s my specialty, but no, he wanted to work with Andrea. Not me? He told me I didn’t know English very well and that I could hardly speak the language and that he had no need for me. He told me I couldn’t help. Not that I really wanted to. I just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. That his crazy idea never got off the ground.” She goes to slap her hand against her chest again, but Maya grabs her hand before she can.

“Hey.” Maya puts her face right up in Carina’s face.

Carina narrows her eyes at Maya, suddenly realizing what’s happening. Or that she just went on a long rant about her father. She just blinks at Maya for a few seconds.

“You’re a brilliant doctor.” Maya tells her. “No matter what your dad says or thinks. His opinion doesn’t matter if he’s going to say that your specialty isn’t something that should be a specialty. That’s just his whack theory. But I get it. I get the feeling.”

Carina deflates, all the aggression leaving her body. “He just pulls me back in every time.”

Maya nods, knowing. It’s a hard cycle to break.

“It’s like I can’t resist. I have this need to help people. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I do it, over and over, and over again.”

Maya smiles. “That’s one of the things I love about you. Though it’s somewhat aggressive sometimes, you have this need to help, you want everyone to be good. What did you tell me that was? In Italian?”

Carina smiles, proud that Maya remembers. “Ti voglio bene.”

“I love you or I want you well.” Maya translates.

“Si.”

Maya lifts Carina’s hand to her lips. She presses a kiss to the palm. “Your dad sounds like a jerk.” Maya smirks and looks up through her lashes at Carina. Carina rolls her eyes but smiles. “And if you don’t want to run to him whenever he calls or needs help, that’s fine. That’s probably healthy. And if he’s not willing to get help for his mental illness then what can you do.”

“I’m a doctor.” Carina tries to defend. Here she goes again. “I can help if-“

Maya raises an eyebrow. “But not one that deals with mental illness.”

Carina shakes her head and sighs. “You’re right.”

“You bet your sweet ass I am.” Maya smirks.

Carina chuckles a little at that.

“How do you feel now?”

Carina shakes her head. She can’t believe she’s been holding all this in for so long. Just in general. But also keeping it from Maya. “It feels good to tell someone.”

“And?” Maya prompts.

“And I’m glad that I did. And thank you for listening. And thank you for understanding.”

“You and me. We’re not that different.” Maya rubs her hands over the hand of Carina’s that she holds. “Sure, there’s lots of differences but we have a lot in common too. Who would have thought?”

Carina hums. “Not me.” If she’s being honest, Carina thought she and Maya didn’t have that much in common, but the more they learn about each other she sees the similarities. In their backgrounds with their fathers, their need for acceptance and love from them, the way they handle emotions by keeping them locked up inside.

Maya moves forward, she leans in and presses a kiss to the now red blotchy spot on Carina’s chest. Maya might beat herself up over things mentally, but she just witnessed Carina literally beating herself up about how she’s dealt with her father. “Please don’t do that again.”

Carina looks down at her chest. “Sorry.” She mumbles.

Maya shakes her head. “No. Don’t say sorry. Promise you won’t do it again.” She knows that’s not a good coping mechanism.

“I won’t do it again.” Carina sighs. She just got so worked up and wasn’t really thinking.

“Now.” Maya shifts her hands to Carina’s hips. “Will you come back to bed?”

Carina rolls her eyes playfully.

“Well, you’re just standing here in your panties.” As if that’s something that is going to convince Carina.

“What if I said no.” Carina smirks.

Maya hums, thinking of a good retort. “Then I would be disappointed, but I would have to accept that. But only if you had a good reason for not coming back to bed. This is our only day off together for the next four days.” Maya pouts. When that isn’t enough to convince Carina, she changes tactics. “I want to hear more about Italy. I want to hear about where you grew up. I want to know what kind of trouble little Carina got up to. I want to know about her mamma.”

That’s what gets Carina. Her mamma. “Maya.” She sighs the name. “She was-“ Carina has to take a deep breath, getting teary-eyed thinking about her mother. “I wish- I wish she could have met you. I think she would have loved you as much as I do.”

“As much as?” Maya smiles.

Carina rolls her head back and forth. “Okay, maybe not as much as. Cuz that would be weird. But I think she would have loved the feisty little blonde firefighter that she got to know.” She sniffles. “She would question whether you have any Italian blood in you. She would feed you until you were stuffed full and then she would try to feed you some more. She would question your intentions and she would threaten you if you ever break my heart that she will break your kneecaps.” Tears are silently streaming down Carina’s cheeks.

Maya rubs them away with her thumbs. “She sounds amazing.” She grins.

Carina nods.

“Come on.” Maya tugs on Carina’s elbow, getting her to lay down again. “Tell me more, please.” Maya covers them with the sheet.

“She was quiet and reserved. Well, as quiet and reserved as an Italian of her generation can be, I suppose. I think I get that from her. I don’t like tons of commotion and yelling. Maybe that has something to do with my papa yelling all the time too. But she kept to herself. She never complained. She did what she needed to, when she needed to, for her family. I loved her very much but when she and Andrea moved, I lost something. We weren’t super close but there was a silent understanding between us, I think. It wasn’t something we ever talked about, but both knew was there.” Carina’s thoughts drift off. She sort of just stares at Maya.

Maya runs her hand up and down Carina's arm as they lay facing each other.

“She was gentle and kind, caring. Smart too. Not a doctor but a teacher. She taught grade 3. She loved kids. She and Andrea moved to Wisconsin, and she went to night school to learn English. She got a job in a school teaching Italian. Which I’m told isn’t a language in high demand in Wisconsin. Or most states for that matter.”

“It’s mostly Spanish that kids learn in this country. Or French.” Maya adds her two cents.

Carina nods. “So, she was lucky to get that job. They lived well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. To leave her husband, her family, the only country she’s ever known, to go to another country where no one speaks the language. She was very brave.”

“Why Wisconsin?” Maya asks. It seems like an odd place to immigrate to. Not that Maya knows much about Wisconsin other than that they are known for cheese.

Carina chuckles. “They have one of the best hospitals in the country in Madison. Even my mother- I think she knew someone that worked there. A friend of hers from when she went to university in Italy. They moved to Madison and worked at the hospital. That’s why she and Andrea moved there; I think.”

“Makes sense. If you only know one person in another country-“

“Move to where they are.” Carina finishes. She sighs. “That’s why I came to Seattle. Cuz Andrea was here.”

“And I’m glad you did.” Maya presses her lips to Carina’s forehead.

“Me too.”

“I’d visit them over winter break. It was always so cold and snowy. I couldn’t understand why they wanted to live there. Mamma would tell me that it was amazing to experience all four seasons. That’s not something we get in the South of Italy. But I didn’t like it. I could live my entire life without seeing snow and I would be fine with that.”

Maya chuckles. “You’re silly.”

“And Andrea would come to Italy in the summers. Mamma would come bring him and stay for like a week to visit her family but would go back to the states. She never stayed very long. But then when Andrea was old enough and in college she moved back to Italy. I saw her more often. She lived in a different city from where we lived when I was a kid. From where my papa lived. And from where I had gone to school and was working. But I got to see her more often.” Carina takes a deep breath. The next part is hard.

“And then she got sick. Or, I have a sneaky suspicion that she knew she was sick when she moved back to Italy.”

Maya hums sadly.

“She wanted to be home when she went.” Carina starts crying again. She rubs at her blurry eyes. “I think that was a comfort to her. Knowing she was home. That they wouldn’t- wouldn’t have to-“

“It’s okay.” Maya runs a hand over Carina’s head.

“Ship her body back.” Carina sobs, rattling her body.

“What do you need?” Maya asks softly.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya, throwing her leg over Maya’s, pushing Maya onto her back, holding onto her in a bear hug, laying on top of her. “I miss her.” She whispers into Maya’s neck. “I wish she could see me and Andrea now. They split us up but we’re back together. Me e fratellino mio.”

“I’m sure she can. And I’m sure she’s proud of you both.” Maya whispers and it causes the tears to flow harder. She holds onto Carina, rubbing her back gently and just holding tight.

The tears subside after a few minutes, but they remain locked together like that with Maya gently rubbing her hands up and down Carina’s back or over her arms, just holding onto her securely, not letting go.

Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder and finds her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, babe?” Maya doesn’t see any problems with what is happening here.

“For not telling you. For keeping it to myself. For making you tell me things when I wouldn’t do the same. I was just scared.”

“Of what?” Maya wonders. Carina is the most selfless, proud, confident person she knows. What can she be afraid of?

“That you’ll hurt me.”

“I would never hurt you.”

“Not physically.” Carina whispers.

Maya hums. It clicks. “Oh.”

“You already have. Emotionally. And I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. That’s why, I think, I’ve been holding back. I have been hurt before. Not just by you. I feel like if I get too close, open up too much that it’s going to happen again.”

Maya nods. It’s hard to hear but she knows she needs to hear it and she knows Carina needs to say it. “I just want to get to know you. Where you come from. What makes you who you are. I want to know everything about you. I want to love every part of you. Even the not so nice parts. I want to grow and develop together. I want to-“ Maya takes a deep breath. “I want to share this life with you. I want you in it. I want you to be the most important part. And yes, before you say anything, that means more important than my job. Carina, I have all these wants now. I never allowed myself to want anything before. But now-“ She sighs. “I have this amazing woman and this amazing job and I think I could have an amazing life and not just be going from one task to the next. Focusing on the next thing. Carina, I love you. I don’t want to ever hurt you. Not intentionally, at least. Emotionally, physically, or in any other way. I need you to know that. I also need you to know that I know it’s hard. To open up. Look at me. You can do that too. I know it’s scary.”

“It is.” Carina runs her fingernails up and down Maya’s arm. She doesn’t know if she’s doing it to soothe herself or Maya.

“It’s hard to be vulnerable.”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to be comfortable enough with me to be vulnerable.” Maya says. “Is there something I can do that will help?”

Carina sighs. She knew Maya was wonderful and caring and always willing to offer help but right now, gosh, she’s the most wonderful person in the whole entire world. “This helps. This conversation. You holding me. You telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Maya nods. “Anything else.”

“Continue asking me about my past, my background if I don’t- if I’m not open enough about it. Or if you feel like I’m holding something back. Because I probably am.”

“Okay.”

“I want this to work, Maya.”

“So do I.” Maya kisses the side of her head. “So do I.”