28. Chapter 28

In the morning, Carina calls her father.

“If you do it first thing in the morning then you don’t have to dread doing it all day. It’s done with. No matter the outcoming.” Maya had told her.

So, she calls.

“He heard.”

“What?” Maya is gob smacked.

“He heard that Andrea died two days ago and he didn’t call me.”

Maya’s mouth hangs open at the news. She hasn’t liked much of what she’s heard about Carina’s dad so far but this. This makes her absolutely hate his guts right now. How can you not have any contact with one of your children after your other child dies? Even you are aren’t close to them. Even if you are in different countries. Even just to call and say ‘hey I heard about this’ or some form of acknowledgement.

Carina walks away from Maya. She’s not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that he already knew. On one hand, Carina didn’t have to deal with his emotions after she told him that Andrea died. He already knew and he already processed his emotions about it and wasn’t able to take them out on Carina over the phone. On the other hand, she thought maybe they could bond over their shared grief. She could lean on him over the phone, so to speak. That didn’t happen either.

Carina doesn’t know how to feel about what just happened. She tries not to linger on it. It’s just something else that she has to pile onto top of her already huge pile of issues that she has to deal with. She sits at the kitchen island and goes back to watching video on her laptop.

Maya busies herself with cleaning. She cleans the bedroom, does the laundry, washes every surface in the bathroom, moves everything out of the cupboards in the kitchen and cleans inside them thoroughly. Carina watches her do that one. Once she’s done in the apartment she goes out and cleans her car out. Not that there’s really anything in there but she brings her mini Shopvac out and vacuums out every inch of the car. Then she goes to Carina’s car.

She opens the door to the back seat and sees it. Maya is surprised she didn’t see it when she drove the car home from the train station. She stands there and stares for a moment. Thinking of what to do.

Andrew’s motorcycle helmet stares back at her.

“Shit.” She mumbles and doubles over, leaning against the roof of the car with her forearm, as a wave of sadness hits her.

Maya realizes this means there’s something she forgot to do. Something that wasn’t on the list. Something that Carina didn’t think about. Andrew’s motorcycle. Maya assumes it’s still in the parking lot at the hospital.

She sits down in the back seat next to the helmet and thinks for a few minutes. She needs a plan. Maya doesn’t want to upset Carina by bringing it up. She doesn’t want Carina to have to deal with this too. She doesn’t want to add another thing to Carina pile of crap she has to deal with.

So, Maya gets her phone out and looks up storage unit places. She knows where one is not too far from where they live but that’s not an option because it’s the one where Captain Herrera died. So, she looks at ones farther away from here. If she has to drive farther, so be it.

She finds the number and calls. She rents a unit with the promise that she will come down sometime today and sign the paperwork and go through the checklist and inspection of the unit. She calls a tow truck company next. She’s got a few that she knows through the station that are reliable and sets up a time this afternoon to meet them at the hospital.

Maya just has to figure out what to do with the helmet. She wants to put it in the closet in the spare bedroom. It’s getting it into the apartment that might be the problem. She’d wait until Carina is asleep and do it then, but Carina hasn’t really slept in days. Maybe she can get inside without Carina noticing. The woman is off in her own little world most of the time right now.

Maya grabs the helmet and the vacuum and heads back inside. She pops the door open and looks inside. She doesn’t see Carina, so she hurries in and goes straight to the spare bedroom, putting the helmet in the closet.

She finds Carina in the bathroom. She’s sitting on the toilet reading something. “Whatcha reading?” She asks.

“Are you done cleaning? I didn’t want to be in your way.”

“I’m done. You can come out of here, if you’d like.” Maya would really like for Carina not to isolate herself. She knows she can’t say anything about it because Carina is grieving but it so sad to see her keep to herself and not allow Maya to touch her or hold her or anything.

Carina nods, closing her book. She didn’t really read anything. She just read the same paragraph over and over, not processing the words, not understanding them. Her brain not letting her rest.

She yawns.

“You need to sleep, love.” Maya tells her. She reaches out to run her palm over Carina’s head, but Carina moves out of her reach.

“I can’t sleep. I’ve tired. My brain won’t shut up.”

Maya wrinkles up her face. She hates that Carina won’t let her touch her, comfort her. Carina who always wants touch, needs touch. Until now. She needs to find something to do that will let Carina rest. “I have to run out for a little bit. Some errands and I have to stop by the station quickly, pick up some paperwork.”

“Okay.” Carina says quietly.

She wishes she could get more out of Carina than short sentences. “I love you.” She doesn’t know if that helps Carina any.

Carina looks over at the blonde and locks eyes with her. It’s like she’s just remembering that. Love. How can she love when everything is so wrong, everything hurts and is broken? It’s such a contradictory thought, feeling. “I love you, Maya.” She mumbles out the words anyway, not really feeling them, meaning them.

Maya smiles and steps out of the bathroom, holding her sigh of frustration inside. She grabs her car keys. The first stop she has to make is at the fire station before she meets the tow truck at the hospital and then goes with him to the storage unit that she just rented. She sighs, now that she’s out of the apartment, as it’s turning into an expensive day real quick. She doesn’t have to worry about money usually but renting and insuring a storage unit for six months and then having a tow truck pick up, move, and drop off a motorcycle on a flatbed truck is going to put a dent in her bank account.

She pulls into the station parking lot and parks her car. She would have walked if she didn’t have other stops to make. Maya goes inside, says hi to Cutler at the reception desk and goes into her office. The paper she needs isn’t hard to find. She grabs that and looks over the latest files on her desk. The newest calls that they’ve had.

A Crew is off duty today so Andy isn’t around so she can’t ask her about it. Maya exits her office, knowing she doesn’t have a lot of time. She goes through into the barn. The ambulance is gone but the engine and ladder truck are there. She walks around them before standing back at the front and looking up at the trucks. That’s when it hits her. She knows what to do. Maya hurries out of the station with a pleased smile on her face.

“Will you come with me somewhere?”

“Not if you’re being all secretive and mysterious.” Carina retorts.

Maya huffs. “Fine. Will you come to the station with me?”

Carina sort of stares at Maya. “Fine.”

They drive down to the station. Carina looks out the window the whole time, not saying anything. She doesn’t like whatever Maya has planned. She’s not up for a field trip. She doesn’t want to have to interact with people. So, she’s really not having it but she’ll humor Maya because she knows Maya is worried about her.

“I thought you were already here today.” Carina says as she eyes the building.

“I was.”

It’s dark out. Maya knows that there’s a shot that the engine won’t be there, but she hopes it is or her plan won’t pan out. She waited for the cover of darkness, so she had less eyes on her, them. She knows D crew is in the building somewhere but hopes they leave them alone.

Maya gets out and goes around to open Carina’s door and help her out of the car. Maya holds out her hand for Carina.

The Italian glances at Maya’s hand before looking up to find her eyes. “I’ll just stay in the car. You can go in and do- whatever it is you need to do.” She looks away from Maya, out the front windshield of the car. “I’m not in the mood to see people or talk to anyone.”

Maya frowns. She had an idea this would be the case. She licks her lips before braving the question. “Do you trust me?” She keeps her hand held out towards Carina.

Carina’s head snaps over to Maya again. “Maya.” She sighs, wondering if Maya is really questioning that right now. Carina thought they were past the whole trust thing. “I trust you. I do.”

The blonde smiles, tight-lipped. She knew they were still working on getting that trust back. Maya felt like Carina mostly trusted her again, that things could truly being forgiven. “When I asked you to move in with me, I said I wanted to do everything. For real. Everything with you. That means the good and bad. Even now. Even this. So, if you trust me, take me hand. My intention is not for you to have to talk to or see anyone inside the station. I wouldn’t make you do that right now. Just me and you.”

Carina chews on her lip. She doesn’t want to cry anymore. But this time she feels like crying not because of Andrea but because of her wonderful, amazing girlfriend. Carina grabs her mask in one hand, the other finding Maya’s hand.

She let’s Maya pull her from the car, shut the door, and lead her into the fire station. No one seems to be around. Carina wonders if Maya planned it that way. They go in by the trucks. The ladder truck is gone so Carina thinks maybe the crew is out on a call.

She doesn’t understand what Maya is doing or why they need to go by the engine.

“What are we doing?” Carina asks but allows Maya to tug her along.

Maya turns to her but doesn’t say anything. They keep walking. Maya goes to the engine door and pulls it open.

Carina thinks she knows what Maya is doing. She’s not a little kid. She doesn’t need to see the fire truck to cheer her up. That’s not going to cheer her up anyway. She doesn’t need to sit in the seat and play pretend. She doesn’t need to go for a fire truck ride. Not that she thinks Maya would go that far.

She has to say something when Maya steps up into the truck. She pulls her mask off to make sure Maya hears her. “Okay, Maya, I’m not a child I don’t need a fire truck ride to feel-“

Maya turns on the sirens.

“MAYA.” She covers her ears.

Maya steps down from the truck and turns to her in one fluid motion.

“Scream.”

“What?”

“Scream.”

This is the cover that Maya thinks Carina might need to be able to scream, to be able to let that emotion out. To final get that pressure off her chest so she can feel like she can breathe again. So she can sleep.

“I can’t.” Carina starts to back away from Maya.

“Do it.”

Maya pleads in frustration. Carina needs to let that anger and sadness and guilt and just everything out. If she doesn’t Maya doesn’t know what’s bound to happen.

“No. I can’t-“

As soon as Maya hears the word No she lets out all her anger and sadness and frustration in a guttural, chest burning scream.

Carina stares at Maya. She can’t believe her right now. It’s ridiculous. Maya screams at her. A loud, painful scream. She has to turn away.

“Come on. Do it.” Maya screams again as Carina walks away from her.

She’s determined to not give up on this just yet. At the very least, Maya is able to let out some of her own pent up emotions. She screams until her lungs are burning from lack of air, until her throat is raw with pain. Long and loud until she can’t anymore.

Carina turns around and lets it out. Bending at the waist to expel a loud scream. Hands clenched in fists. She’s crying and she walks back towards Maya.

Finally, Maya thinks as Carina screams and screams some more. Maya joins in with her. Both screaming at the top of their lungs. Carina turns away again and Maya takes a deep breath. She sees Carina screaming, she can see the pain, she can feel it. She screams with her, in solidarity, until Carina is pounding her fist on the side of engine. Maya doesn’t even care right now. She’ll make sure somebody polishes it in the morning.

She holds out one arm when Carina turns back to her. She knows Carina doesn’t want to be touched, or held, because it’s been too much for her. Too soft. But maybe now after this release she can let Maya in again. That hopeful arm catches Carina as she falls into Maya’s embrace. Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and holds her tight. Carina leans into Maya, reaching around her shoulders, finally letting herself be held.

Maya rocks them back and forth in the spot for a good minute. Now that they aren’t screaming the siren becomes obnoxious.

“Let me turn that off.” Maya talks into Carina’s ear. She tries to let go of Carina, but Carina holds onto her tight.

“Okay.” Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s back as she cries onto her shoulder.

Out of the corner of her eye, Maya sees someone up on the skywalk above them. She gives them a wave to say that she’s got this handled and that they don’t need to worry. She’s not sure who it is. It’s night so not all the lights are on.

“Carina. I need to-“

Carina releases her. Maya leans back in and shuts the siren off. “There.” She shuts the door and turns back to Carina. The woman wipes at her tear stained cheeks. “How do you feel?”

“Thank you.” Carina sighs, tired.

“You don’t have to thank me, babe.” Maya finds both of Carina’s hands. “I came down her earlier and had this idea. I thought it might help, work. And it did. How do you feel?”

Carina takes a deep breath, assessing. “Like garbage.” She smiles a little. Something has been released though with the screaming so there’s a bit of a sense of, maybe not peace, but something close to that. Relief, maybe.

Maya grins. “Let’s go home.” She hopes Carina will be able to sleep now. Or at the very least, be able to let go of that ball of emotions that was trapped. It’s been released now. Maya will come down here with Carina everyday if she has to and they will scream with the sirens just to get that release.

Maya wakes up the next morning to the feel of Carina, in bed, spooning her from behind. She smiles into the pillow knowing that everything would be okay again one day, maybe not today, but one day. She was relieved to see Carina sleeping, in bed, last night when she brought tea in for her. A heaviness lifted from her shoulders at the sight.

She slips out of bed, letting Carina sleep while she goes out and starts coffee and breakfast. The blonde is anxious to see what kind of mood Carina will be in today. She wants to know if the screaming and subsequent sleep helped any or if they are going to be stuck in the same pattern that they were in before.

Maya is working on waffles and scrambled eggs when Carina comes out and wraps her arms around Maya from behind. Carina leans into her, nuzzling her face against the back of Maya’s shoulder. “Smells good.” She whispers, sleep still in her voice.

“Are you hungry?” Maya asks.

Carina hums. “Maybe a little.”

“Okay.” Maya wants to ask how Carina slept but doesn’t.

Carina starts pressing kisses to Maya’s shoulder, working her way to her neck, placing just one kiss there before her lips are on Maya’s cheek.

“How do you feel?” Maya asks.

“Tired. Sad. But better. Not as suffocated as the last couple days. Sleep helped. You helped. The fire truck, the sirens. You’re a genius.” She squeezes Maya and breathes her in. A big deep breath full of everything that is Maya.

“I don’t know about that. But I’m glad it helped.”

“I feel like I can breathe again. Like everything isn’t just sitting on my chest. That pressure is gone. It still hurts. It’s still sad but-“ Carina trails off. She’s super grateful that Maya stuck around. That Maya didn’t just go on the call that Warren had to go on. That Maya basically dropped everything for her. To take care of her. Carina has never had someone who cared as much as Maya or who was willing to drop everything to take care of her. She doesn’t know what she would do without Maya right now. She’d probably just be a shriveled up ball on the floor, too traumatized to move or do anything. She knows Maya’s attention and care and space and love has gotten her through the worst part of all of this. She knows it’s not going to be easy moving forward, but the worst might be over.

“The waffles and coffee are ready. I’m just finishing the eggs.”

“Il mio preferito, uova, strapazzate. Sei fantastico.” (My favorite, eggs, scrambled. You are amazing.)

Carina steps to Maya’s side and starts plating the waffles. “Come sono stato così fortunato?” (How did I get so lucky?)

“Though, you need to work on your Italian dishes. Maya, every time you make breakfast. It might be my new favorite thing. Even if it’s Americano breakfast. È sempre incredibile.” (It’s always incredible.)

Maya grins. “I am pretty good at breakfast foods. Mostly cuz they are easy, but nothing is better than your French toast.” She leans over with a pinch of eggs between her thumb and index finger, holding it out in front of Carina’s lips. “You’ll have to show me how to make French toast some time.”

Carina grins and wraps her lips around Maya’s fingers (and the eggs). She hums. “Si. Bene. Add a little salt and pepper e sarà perfetto.”

Maya is kind of enjoying all the Italian coming out of the Italian this morning. She’s curious as to why it’s so much though. She briefly wonders if it has something to do with Andrew.