39. Chapter 39

Rey wakes late the next day, sleeping in until the sun streaming through the window hits her eyes and she rolls over, grumbling. The need for breakfast competes with the desire to see Kylo as she uses the ‘fresher and dresses.  Finn is leaning against her doorframe when she leaves her room and she almost smacks into him. He catches her elbow, holds her upright as she stumbles. “Finn, good morning! I didn’t expect you!”

Finn nods, ensuring she’s got her balance before he releases his grip. “I heard about what happened last night. When the idea was floated to give you a guard, I volunteered. Thought you’d rather have me than some random soldier.”

“That’s kind.” She squeezes his elbow. “Thank you.”

His posture shifts as he straightens up, shoulders loose, smile easy as a cluster of workers walk past. ”I brought you breakfast!” He pulls a squashed napkin-wrapped parcel out of his pocket. “I figured we could do without a replay of yesterday.”

Catching the bundle in her hands, Rey falls into step beside Finn. “People already know about the attack? About what happened?” Her stomach flips.

“General Organa was pissed,” Finn confides in her. “Nobody is happy, but no one blames you for what happened. The investigation is going to be open to everyone. They’ll all know the real story soon enough.”

Rey grimaces at the reminder of her deposition. “Do you know when it’s going to start?”

“You’re supposed to go in at the turn of the hour. They started first thing this morning with the General.” He nudges her with his shoulder. “Open it! I only got the good stuff.”

Peeling back the napkin as they walk, her eyes widen at the roll bursting with a riot of colors. “You’re the best! This looks fantastic!” She throws her arms around his neck, juggling the oversized sandwich to keep it intact. The sandwich is too wide for an easy bite and pressing it between her hands makes the fillings ooze out. She rescues a stray blue noodle as it slides down the side of her hand and pops it into her mouth, licks some tangy sauce off her fingers and tries for another bite. Finn laughs at her struggle.

There are unfamiliar guards in front of the door. They have blazes of color on their armor, blasters holstered at their sides, and riot-sticks in their hands. They smile at Finn under their half-helmets and nod at Rey. She half listens to their greetings, working her way through the sandwich and feeling for Kylo through the door. Good morning, she brushes his mind with hers. How are you feeling?

He touches her mind, curls around her, warm and attentive.  I’m alive. That doctor came back this morning with something to counteract the after-effects of whatever they slipped me. That was… decent, I guess.  He reaches out to her, mind questioning. Are they taking your statement today?

Yeah. Her nerves grate with anxiety and Kylo lets the matter drop without comment, pulling back a respectful distance after another sweep of softness.

The escort arrives and the guards push the door open. Kylo steps out, meeting her eyes briefly before raising an eyebrow at the sandwich held in her hands. His eyes widen she polishes off the meal in two huge bites and steps into place beside him, but doesn’t comment. She brushes Kylo’s hand as they separate and stares at the sealed door for a moment. The connection glows despite his mental protests at the leftover sandwich-stickiness of her hand.

Finn glances at his chrono and taps her shoulder. “Time to go. It’s down this way.” His hand is warm on her elbow as he guides her further down the hall.

Rey gives her statement to one of Major Ematt’s aides, a Nautolan man named Etvi, who asks quiet questions, nodding while a droid records Rey’s words, facial expressions, heart rate, and pupil movement.  Finn sits in the other chair as she speaks and he is a comforting presence.  He’s not like Kylo, who sits in her mind like a weapon, ready to lash out with her, for her.  Finn is a shield, a warm fire on a cold night, food stored away for later.

She talks about the whispers at breakfast, the tension in the air. She picks her words with care to explain the intuition that moved her to run to Kylo’s cell. “I felt… a disturbance, I suppose, in the Force. People were so angry about his pardon.  I was worried for him. Admiral Statuna gave me partial responsible for Kylo, and I couldn’t ignore that.”  It’s not entirely a lie.

Etvi looks down, checks something off on the tablet before him. “Alright. We have corroborated your prior whereabouts and your arrival on the scene with other residents of the base who saw, according to my notes, a ‘girl carried by a giant screaming wall of fur’ running through the hallways.  Now,” he looks up at Rey, “Please tell me about the events leading to the death of Serrin Tiyu.”

Rey gulps.  She hadn’t known his name before.  Serrin Tiyu.  She tries to describe the scene with as little emotion as she can, then worries that she will come off as casual, cold, callous.  That wasn’t how she felt when she’d killed him.  She was scared, so scared, that he was going to kill Kylo. He’d had the blaster at Kylo’s head, kept jamming it into Kylo’s temple.  She could feel the cold metal on her skin, even through Kylo’s drugged stupor. She hadn’t paused to think. She reached out for the Force and it came. The power was electric and it made her strong. She killed him and he was no longer a threat. She’d turned, thrown two attackers into a wall, and watched as Chewbacca knocked the last three out.  Chewbacca had bellowed that he had things under control and Rey spared one last glance to Kylo’s hooded form as he struggled under the weight of the man she killed before running out the door to find the General.  

It wasn’t quite like killing the Knights of Ren. She’d wanted them to die, wanted to be the one to end their lives. She doesn’t regret their deaths.  When she’d killed Serrin, she wasn’t angry. Ending his life seemed like the only available course of action.  It was him or Kylo, and that wasn’t a choice at all. Now, though… Could she have saved Kylo without killing the man? She feels sick and something inside her crows.  She tucks the feeling away to examine later.

Etvi releases her after they review everything twice.  Kylo pokes her as she leaves the room, walking with Finn to see what’s left of lunch. What’s the verdict?

For me? There isn’t one yet.  There’s still more investigating to do before they decide. The aide had been clear that she would not be charged with murder, but that justifiable homicide still requires an inquiry. Rey worries that they’re wrong, that she’s a murderer. She had meant to kill Serrin Tiyu. She hides that from Kylo as best she can. They say the attackers are going to be court martialed, but it will take some time to process it all. They haven’t had to court martial anyone in years.

He sees through the feeble attempt to distract him from her guilt. You’re the Jedi golden girl. You’ll be fine.  You killed him to save my life, which I’m sure annoyed people, but you did not murder him. You’ll get a stern talking to about the use of lethal force and maybe a slap on the wrist. He pauses, rubs against her mind, sensuous and satisfied through their connection.  I’m proud of you, you know. You picked up that trick after only seeing it once.

She pushes back at his mind, trying to take his praise as he means it, playful and lighthearted, but she can’t banish the sound of bones crunching. How’s the Major today?

I’ve got the Admiral - the Major is busy.  Statura is… surprisingly chipper. Chewie seems to have that effect on people. Or maybe he’s just excited about First Order military installations. Either way, I need to get back to it, our recess is over.  Will you come to escort me back tonight?

She promises that she’ll try, and he retreats  as she and Finn enter the cafeteria.

Master Luke finds them as they pillage the leftovers. Rey’s heart leaps into her throat when he touches her on the arm, his eyes sharp and searching. He doesn’t say anything, but the silent, kind smile that softens his eyes calms her, helps her to swallow her heart and choke down some food. Sitting with them as they eat, Luke helps himself to some of the red fruit and chats, more amiable than she’s seen him before, with Finn. Rey forces herself to finish her plate of food. Nourishment cannot be wasted.

When they’ve finished eating, Luke stands and they all walk out to the wide, grassy lawn in front of the base. Shading his eyes from the sun, Luke turns back to Finn. “Would you mind giving us some time alone?”

Finn looks away, over his shoulder, before answering. “Technically, I’m supposed to be Rey’s supervisor, but you outrank me by, like, a hundred levels, so I guess you can do whatever you want.” Is he teasing Master Luke? She can’t tell.  Finn squeezes Rey’s upper arm. “You okay?” She nods, he smiles. “I’ll be nearby if you need me.” He moves off towards the tree line, pulling a notebook from his back pocket as he looks up.

“I met him soon after he awoke from his coma. Finn is an extraordinary young man. He’s taken up bird watching,” Luke tells her, looking over to where he’s standing, scribbling into the notebook. “He said he’d never seen one before coming here.  He likes the way they move, their songs.  It’s,” he pauses, smiles. “It’s good for him.  Small joys to accompany the big ones.”  He turns back to Rey.  “Your return is a great joy, Rey.”

Rey shuffles her feet.  “Can we walk while we talk? Or maybe practice some forms? I don’t feel like being still right now.”  

Master Luke nods, understanding. “Of course.”  He leads her down a gravel path that cuts through the lawn and then they turn off the trail, passing Finn, who gives Rey a little wave, and into the trees.  Moving feels good.  Rey wants to run, to climb something, to fly, to become one of Finn’s birds and build herself a nest in these trees.  She misses the simplicity and solitude of the desert for a moment before remembering exactly what that solitude meant, what it felt like year after year.  She shakes that nostalgia off. There was nothing for her in the desert. Here, there is so much more.

They stop in a little glade where the light dapples on a low streambed. Noticing the stream, Luke pulls off his boots, rolls up his pants, and hops down to put his bare feet in the clear water.  

Rey hesitates before following his lead. “Are you sure it’s alright to just… get in the water?” He assures her that it is. It’s the first time she’s touched flowing water like this and it’s cool on her skin, tickling as it rolls past, unhurried and unconcerned for where it’s headed. Little stones massage the balls of her feet and  silt squishes up through her toes as she wiggles them into the mud.  She reaches down, cups the water in her hands, and drinks from her palms.

“I grew up in the desert, too.” Can he hear her thoughts or is he just that good at reading people? “I was a moisture farmer before I was a Jedi.” Luke watches her splash in the stream, a grin bending the corner of his mouth.

“Really?” She remembers the moisture farmers on Jakku who came to Niima to trade. They didn’t take much interest in the scavengers, but no one ever did. “Do you miss it?” She sits on a large flat stone, submerged to her calves, and trails her fingers in the flowing eddies of the water as it breaks around the rock.

“Moisture farming? Sometimes. There was something to the stability of it. Knowing exactly what you’ll be doing tomorrow. Going out every morning before the suns rise to check on the vaporators, repairing the droids, maintaining the machinery. There was a rhythm to that life. Mostly though,” Luke runs a hand through his graying hair, “I miss my aunt and uncle, and my friends.”

“And the desert?”

His smile is melancholic, and she sees the blowing winds of a sandstorm in his eyes. “Sometimes, yes. I thought, when I left Tatooine, that I’d never want to return. I thought that I hated the sand, the blistering days and the freezing nights, but I didn’t really hate any of it. I was young and I wanted to do something important, go somewhere new. I thought that moisture farming didn’t matter, which was extraordinarily selfish of me. I needed distance to appreciate what I had, I suppose. That is often the way of things, especially for impetuous young men who think they know best.”  He splashes over to sit beside her on the sun warmed rock. “We need to talk about Serrin Tiyu.”

Trailing her fingers in the water, Rey doesn’t look up at him.  “Okay.”

Luke’s voice is soft, calm. “Leia told me Serrin had a gun to my nephew’s head, with his finger on the trigger. He broke in to carry out an execution. People have given statements that he told them about the attack.  He knew what he was doing when he went into that cell.” He pauses, and Rey looks up then. “Did you know what you were doing when you went in?”

She shakes her head, not denial but as a way to clear her thoughts. “I was protecting Kylo. I promised. I screamed at the people beating him, but they didn’t stop.  They barely looked at me. When I saw,” she gulps before saying his name, “Serrin with the blaster, I didn’t think.  He was shouting at me to stay back, about how Kylo deserved worse than a bolt to the head.  Kylo wasn’t fighting back - they’d drugged him, I don’t even think he could get a proper handle on the Force.  Then Serrin looked down at Kylo and I knew he was going to do it. He was going to kill him.” Rey’s heart thuds in her chest so loud she’s sure Luke can hear it. “I couldn’t let that happen.”

Luke nods. “You saved my nephew’s life, but at the cost of another.  How did that make you feel?  We spoke before about your fears of the Dark Side.  Did you feel that anger when you killed Tiyu?”

“No,” Rey says. It’s true.  She hadn’t been angry her when she’d snapped his neck. There was power, deep and dark, that had called to her, and she’d used it.  It had been reflexive, like blinking, like breathing.  There was a problem and she had removed it. She keeps that thought to herself. “But I didn’t feel sad, either, when I knew he was dead.  I don’t know if I feel sad now.  I… there should have been another way, right?” She glances at his contemplative expression.  

Master Luke drops his head back and looks up to where the blue sky cuts through the trees over the stream. “Perhaps.  A Jedi must consider all possibilities before resorting to violence.  Life is precious and taking it is a grave thing that can’t be undone. Talking may have worked, but it’s far from certain. Perhaps Tiyu would have lived and my nephew would have died. You tried to speak to them, but their rage had overpowered their senses.” He looks back to her, eyes sharp again. “You know that feeling. You know what it can do to a person. Even those who do not know the Force can be overcome by their passions and those passions can lead them to do terrible things. That is another thing we must address.” Her stomach drops.

Luke shifts on the stone, pulling his feet up into a meditative position.  “A Jedi sets aside personal attachments so that they do not succumb to their passions.  Ours is the way of moderation and of serenity.” How could she have been moderate or serene in the face of Kylo’s imminent death?  “Through moderation and serenity, you may have been able to chart a course last night that would not have ended in death.  Your passion, your personal attachment to my nephew, was a key factor in the death of that man.”

Luke is right and that fills her with dread. There’s no way to deny it. Had she not been so terrified of losing Kylo, of failing to protect him, she might not have killed Serrin. How could she set their connection aside? She hangs her head and nods, her heart joining her stomach somewhere around her ankles. “As you say, Master Luke.”

“It is something you must consider as you move forward.” He stands, wet feet staining the stone.  “Mourn for Serrin Tiyu. Use his death to guide your judgements in the future. There was no malice in what you did, though it is clear that we need to move forward in your training. We must focus most on self-control and patience, I believe.” Luke extends a hand to her, helps her to her feet.  “Hand stands are an excellent starting point.”

Finn laughs when he finds them up to their forearms in the stream, balance tenuous as the water tumbles past.  Luke invites him to join in and Finn gleefully agrees, folding Poe’s jacket into a neat square and resting his notebook atop it before rolling up his pants and sleeves and wading in to them.  Rey is soaked through from her failed first attempts at inverted stability and her ego is soothed when Finn tumbles a few minutes after beginning, but he is strong and capable and is soon back upside down with his eyes closed.  

“Did you find any good birds today?” Rey asks before Master Luke shoots her a look. Finn is so eager to talk about his new hobby that even the Jedi can’t bear to reprimand him for talking through what is supposed to be a meditative exercise.

“I did!  There’s a blue one with a song like this -” he whistles a few trilling notes, “but I don’t know it’s name.  Usually BB-8 comes with me and records the songs so we can look them up on the HoloNet when we’re back in the barracks.  I’ll whistle it later and we’ll see what it can find.”  He flexes his arms, sinks so his nose almost touches the water, and then pushes himself back up. “Poe knows a lot about birds, too. I think he likes them because, you know, they fly.”

They lapse back into quiet again after that.  Rey’s not sure if Finn is meditating or just enjoying the quiet company, but the Force around  him burns strong and clear, happy.

Rey walks back to the compound with Finn after Master Luke told them he wanted to meditate in solitude, her clothes drying on her back in the sun.  “So, you’re my supervisor now? Not just a guard?”

Shrugging, Finn says, “It’ll just be for a few days. They keep giving me odd jobs, but they’ll find something steady for me soon. The leaders wanted someone to keep an eye on you, keep you out of trouble for a little while.  I volunteered.  It means I can keep you safe.  We can hang out and no one can give me shit for slacking off or give you trouble about your dumb Bad Guy boyfriend.”

Rey  shoves him and he laughs. “I’m glad you’re keeping me safe, but who will keep you safe?  I’m not exactly popular at the moment, and after that mob came for Kylo… How can you be sure you won’t be targeted for helping us?”

“Poe’s got my back.” Finn smiles, warm and sweet. “It’s weird having someone care about you, isn’t it? Not because they’re in your unit or because you’re wearing the same uniform but just… because they do.” He blushes, looks down at his boots. “Sorry, that sounded lame, right?”

Rey puts her arm around Finn’s shoulder and nods. The thought of Poe and Finn caring about each other fills her with happiness, but the topic gives her pause.  She does care about Kylo, beyond her promise to protect him, and she knows he cares about her - he’s trying so hard to be good just because she’s asked him to.  Finn had called him her boyfriend and that isn’t right; the title feels wrong, insincere, too weighted with meanings she doesn’t understand. Does that make it wrong? Between the kissing and the unspoken pledges of loyalty, the promise to die for each other… Her head spins.

Before Finn, she’d only ever had to care about herself.  Before Kylo, she’d only ever cared about Finn, but they are different feelings.  Finn makes her feel soft, safe and comfortable.  Kylo makes her want . She wants to kiss him again.  She wants his hands on her face, his body under hers.  She wants to feel the pride he takes in teaching. She wants to keep him whole and healthy, to never feel his blood on her hands again. And now Master Luke is saying she will have to put that all aside if she wants to follow the path of the Jedi. She doesn’t know what to do, but she knows what she wants .  She’s never been good at introspection, has never had the time or the inclination to pick each thought and emotion apart and label it, so she decides on action rather than stasis.  

“What time is it, Finn?”

He checks the chrono on his wrist.  “Six hours past mid-day.  Almost time for dinner.”

She reaches out to Kylo as they walk through the doors to the base. Any food requests? I’ll bring you something good and we can eat together in your room.

He’s excited to see her, and asks for whatever looks best.  Thanks to Chewbacca’s insistent howling at the other guards, Rey is allowed to sit with him at the small table in his new room.  The food all smells delicious, but Rey kisses him before they take a bite.  They spend more time wrapped around each other than they do eating.