43. Chapter 43

Master Luke works her like he’s trying to make up for decades of lost time.  

She wakes up before the cafeteria opens and staggers back in the middle of dinner, almost collapsing into her chair across from Finn and Poe each night. She falls asleep on the table one night and Kylo offers to carry her back to her room. She’s tempted to let him, but it wouldn’t look good, so she shambles upstairs and is asleep before her head hits the pillow. Maybe she wouldn’t notice if it was she and Skywalker were back on the island, but they’re not, so she listens to Master Luke lecture on proper Jedi behavior, meditation, and peaceful detachment while her friends live their lives.  

She can’t always follow the conversation at dinner, is unable to opine on Poe’s X-Wing maintenance or on Finn’s new boss.  Talking with Kylo is easier because she doesn’t actually have to speak, and he’s so good at picking up on her meanings through inference. It takes five days before she realises that Finn and Kylo are training together in the mornings. When she scolds Kylo for not sharing that information, he reminds her that he did, in fact, tell her, she’d just been more asleep than awake, snuggled naked against him in her nest.   She’s missing so much, trapped in the endless cycle of training and exhaustion.

Skywalker provides practical advice among the endless drills to hone her focus, show her the path to serenity, and separate her from attachments. Master Luke is no slouch. He is demanding and capable and so powerful it feels good, sometimes, to have him as her teacher.  It’s almost enough to make her wish that she could have been a proper Jedi initiate, free of the questions and doubts that plague her.  She tries to fight the uncertainty down, to shove it away in the boxes Yali helped her build in the back of her mind, but it’s always there.

There’s sorrow when she thinks of  Master Yali, a longing that is probably another sign of attachment.

She tries so hard to be a good Jedi apprentice that it hurts. Being good shouldn’t be so desperate. In the fleeting moments when she finds that warm, quiet in the presence of the Light, compassion for all without attachment, she’s terrified. She feels it in Master Skywalker, the almost perfect emptiness, a staggering loss of subjectivity, that when he meditates, it is as if he has left his body behind.

They talk about that void, the loss of self,  and Master Luke glows when he speaks of the bliss, the power, attained by ‘letting go,’ but she doesn’t want to let go. All her life has been about holding on to things, to hope and small joys and most of all to her self .  The thought of giving it all up, to let it be washed away in the ocean of the Force, horrifies her, gives rise to that same surging feeling as when she opened herself to the darkness back on Moraband.  So she always retreats, throws up her defenses against full submersion, and shrinks away.

Talking to Master Luke about what she feels, what she thinks, what she fears from the Light as well as the Dark, doesn’t help. He listens and tries to explain the difference between attachment and compassion, tries to explain that severing attachments to things and people will strengthen her attachment to the universe as a whole. She shudders when she thinks of becoming like that, perfectly empty and at peace. It would be a whole new level of isolation.  

The evenings with Kylo aren’t helping her confusion, but Rey lives for those hours nonetheless.  She knows that the sex and the soft words shared in the dark go against what Master Luke is trying to teach her, but she brings him back to her room every night just the same.  Sometimes, as they lay sweaty and sated in each other’s arms he asks about her training with Skywalker. She deflects the questions with kisses that leave them both unsatisfied and the agitation creeps back into his mind.  What can she say? He knows her mind, knows what she’s supposed to be and do. In those moments, she does her best to pack the guilt, the worry, and the uncertainty into the boxes, but he can still feel it all, and so can she.

He’s still restless, and it rasps against her mind during training, meditation, conversations with her Master, making her impetuous and testy. Rey pushes Master Luke to focus on the physical aspects of their training and he assents. Kylo was a more effective fighting master, but Rey throws herself into the drills, practices forms until her arms and thighs burn. It helps, but not much.  They are both trapped, he by the chip in his arm, her by the weight of expectation on her shoulders.

She is in the middle of one of Master Luke's interminable morning meditation sessions when Kylo slides into her mind.   What am I touching?

Rey smiles, nudges him back, teasing. Go away. I'm meditating. I don't have time for games.

He wraps around her thoughts with a sensuous caress. It's not a game, he pouts. It's Force-bond sensitivity training. Come on. What am I touching?

Whatever is beneath his hand is  warm, and smooth.  It feels suspiciously like skin. Kylo! She stifles a physical gasp and pushes a wave of false shock at him.

What am I touching, Rey? He is unrepentant as his fingers slide down across his chest to his stomach.

Master Luke clears his throat and Rey's eyes snap open.  Kylo retreats from her mind with a startled apology.

"Rey, is your mind clear and focused, or is it with my nephew?" Luke's voice is calm and controlled, if peeved.

All at once, Rey is done. She's done meditating, she's done lifting rocks. She's done feeling guilty every time she kisses Kylo, every time her heart thrills for Finn or Poe, every time she gets angry or sad or scared. She's done training to be a Jedi. Her heart pounds. "I can't do this anymore, Master Skywalker."

The Master blinks at her and uncrosses his legs, rearranging himself into a more comfortable position. "We aren't talking about meditation, are we?"

Following suit, Rey uncurls. "No. We're not just talking about meditation. I can't be a Jedi, not the way you are. There's... there's too much more to life, and I..." Her words are heavy, and each one costs her. "I never wanted this, any of this. I never wanted to be a hero." Luke doesn't say anything and she fills the silence with babbling. "I can't set aside my emotional attachments. I don't want to.  For so long, I had nothing but what I could find for myself. Now, I have people who love me, and people whom I love, and I cannot, will not give that up or cut them off.  You talked about seeing Kylo cut the light out of his heart like a weed rather than treating it like a precious gift. That's what cutting the passion from my life would be like and I don’t want that.  I want to tend to it and watch it grow.  You talk about the importance of selflessness, but I want to be selfish.  I want to be happy, not serene, and you always seem so sad, Master Luke, and I don’t-"

With a gasp, she slaps her hand over her mouth before apologizing. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have - I didn't mean -"

Skywalker smiles without mirth and waves a hand to dismiss her apologies. "You have not offended me, and you have said nothing untrue.  Your mind is not unknown to me. You've been dissatisfied with your training, with the life of a Jedi, since you arrived on the island. Your time away only increased your restlessness."

That startles her. He knew? Then why did he allow her to continue the training?

"Your awakening shook me, Rey.  I was neither prepared for, nor happy about, a young woman arriving on my island." Luke's eyes sparkle, and there's no malice in his words. "I had sequestered myself away to 'meditate on my choices,' something I used to make my nephew do at length. He always saw it as a punishment, and maybe that's how I was using it for myself. Then you arrived, and I could hide no longer.  You are right about many things, but about this in particular:  You cannot become a Jedi as you are now. ”

Her heart still hammering, Rey cocks her head and asks, “What do you mean, as I am now?”

“I could, if you asked, teach you to loosen, perhaps even sever, the connection that binds you and my nephew.  That would be a first and necessary step towards your Knighthood.  You cannot continue down this path bound to him as you are, nor can he begin it again tied to you.”

Rey recoils at the thought, begins to stumble to her feet. “Master Luke, I would never-”

He reaches out and places his hand over hers, metal over flesh, stilling her flight. “I was not suggesting it, Rey, I was not offering. Had you asked me to teach you, I would have warned you against it. No,” he says, folding his hands in his lap, “I know that pain too well to encourage others to seek it out.”

“What do you mean?” Rey resettles herself.

"I am the last of the Jedi, and I will be the first to admit that I am woefully underqualified to hold that title.  I was nineteen when I started, and I was never properly trained.  Traditionally, younglings were separated from their families and put into temples before they turned eight. My father began his training at nine, and the Council of the time thought he was too old.  I tried to be more lenient with my students.  My nephew came to me when he was ten. The Council was right. Jedi must be trained from an early age." He muses on that for a moment before speaking again.

"You are older than I was when I began my training. Your life before coming to me was dangerous, lonely, and full of pain. Your feet knew the path they wanted before the Force awoke within you. That was never the path of the Jedi. You wanted a family, people who loved you, safety and security. You are passionate and strong-minded, and passion gives you courage, strength, and confidence. We cannot end this war without those things, but passion has no place in a Jedi’s heart.”

"As the last Jedi, I must uphold the Code that governs my order.  For decades, I thought that meant I had to follow the Code to the letter.   There is no emotion, there is only peace. I had to empty myself of all emotion, become a vessel for the Force. To do that, I cut myself off from those I loved. Or, at least, I tried." Skywalker's face crinkles in an expression that pretends to be a smile. "General Organa is my twin, did you know that?"

Rey shakes her head.

"She's as sensitive to the Force as I am, but she had no interest in becoming a Jedi.  She grew up as the Princess of Alderaan, chose the Rebellion, and then the Resistance, over the Force, and she has never regretted it.  But we're linked, Leia and I." He sighs, runs his hand through his hair. "I loved her more than anything in the whole galaxy, but that emotion kept me from walking the path of the Jedi, so I tried to overcome it.”

“You cut yourself off from her?” The idea of cutting herself off from Kylo, even from Finn or Poe, makes Rey’s heart ache. After so many years of solitude, she cannot imagine choosing exile. “How could you do that?”

"At the time, I thought of it as accepting the truth that every being is equally valuable, equally important, equally connected to the Force. By removing myself from personal attachments, I could more fully abide by the Code. I needed to be the best Jedi I could if I wanted to take on students and rebuild the order."

The aching in her chest flares into anger. "That wasn't fair."

He doesn't hide the pain in his face now. "It wasn't. I was a bad brother, a bad uncle, and a bad friend. At least you're honest with yourself about being selfish, Rey. That's a far more admirable than the ability to delude yourself. I was never able to cut myself off from her entirely, and I think my drive for solitude and striving for perfection impacted her relationship with her husband, her son, more than she realizes, and that eats at me every day.”

That statement hits Rey like a blaster bolt.  Kylo’s restlessness has her fidgeting through training, his frustration makes her grit her teeth, and his anxiety makes her skin crawl. How would it have felt to have that void echoing in her head, that total rejection of human connection all day, every day, for decades?

Luke looks away from her, off into the distance. “I have tried to connect more over these past few weeks.” He glances back to her, a sad hint of a smile in his eyes.  “I’ve tried to be a  better master, too, though I think we can agree that I still need some work.” His solemn tone returns as he looks away again. “The woes of my sister weigh on my heart, and her hurts cut me as if they are my own. But I choose not to be consumed by my concern or love for her, or for her son.”

This is the most open Master Skywalker has ever been with her, and she can’t miss the opportunity to ask a question that has plagued her since his arrival. “Why haven’t you gone to see him, tried to talk to him?”

Luke rolls his shoulders and looks her in the face. “Because he doesn’t want me to, and because I’m not sure I could bear it.  He is not the boy I knew, not anymore.  He has shown more restraint than I expected, being confined here, and I hope that means he is changing, but…” He shakes his head. “If I were to go to him, he would not accept my help or my love. That he accepts both from you is more than I would have dared hope even a month ago.”

Master Skywalker stands and helps Rey to her feet as his words swim through her mind.  “I know what it is to distance yourself from those you love, what it is to live a life that is never truly yours, and I would not ask that of you.  It is a kind of death, a necessary removal of self, and it cannot be asked of others.  It can only be chosen. You will not choose it now, but that path will never be closed to you.”

There’s a sick sort of relief in her stomach, and it mixes with a sadness she didn’t expect.  She wishes she had a hundred lives to live, a million years to explore every world and every path. Rey doesn’t want to be a Jedi, but the melancholy that comes with that admission lingers.  Tears sting her eyes and she isn’t sure if they are from the joy of freedom or the pain of loss. “Thank you for understanding, Master Luke.”

The last Jedi embraces her, pats her back with his flesh hand. “I will always be your friend, to the best of my admittedly feeble abilities. Never doubt that.” The Force surges around them, warm like a desert sunrise. His hand rasps along her tunic, careworn and rough.  When he steps back, the comfort of his embrace and the warmth it brought remains. “The question is, what do you want to do?”

She knows her answer at once. “I want to kill Snoke and end this war. I want a life of my own.” Kylo’s presence stirs when she mentions his old master, but she can’t juggle him and his uncle, so she waves him away and he retreats to the back of her mind.

Luke taps his chin and hums to himself. “A worthy goal, if perhaps somewhat bloodthirsty.” She opens her mouth to protest but he’s laughing. “No one but Chewie gets my jokes these days! That’s the price you pay for too many years with no audience, I guess.” He turns and beckons her to follow.  “Come on, let’s go talk to my sister.”

Shaking her head, she trails Luke to the General’s office, the same quiet, cramped room she’d found  instinctively the night Kylo was attacked. Skywalker doesn’t knock, just pauses with his hand on the door before entering the room.

General Organa looks up over a pair of tiny spectacles perched low on her nose, fingers continuing to fly over a Holo-Pad. “Breaking for lunch today?”

“Something like that. Rey has something she’d like to discuss.” Luke lifts a teetering stack of flimsies from a chair and sets them on the floor by the wall. He sits, makes himself comfortable, and nods at Rey.

Rey perches on the edge of the other chair, glancing between the sharp stare of the General and Luke’s profile as he watches his sister. Confessing to Luke had opened a dam and the words he had held back for years had spilled forth.  She doubts it will be like that with Leia. The thought of disappointing the woman stabs at her, and Rey gulps. Get it over with. Once it’s done, it’s done. “General, I’m not going to be a Jedi. I’m sorry.”

General Organa removes her spectacles, sets them down on her desk, and leans forward. She doesn’t look surprised, but there’s power in her eyes. “Whatever for?”

Rey’s mind blanks under the scrutiny and her tongue wags of its own accord, “For disappointing you! For letting Master Luke down! For - ”

The General raises a hand. “Stop.” Her voice is soft and absolute in its command. “You do not owe it to me, to him,” She flicks a sharp glance at Luke, “Or to the Resistance to become a Jedi. You don’t owe anyone anything .” Her lips thin at a thought. “Are you unhappy here? If you wish to leave, Chewie would be delighted to take you on the Falcon. If not the Falcon, I can speak to someone about putting you in touch with one of our other contractors.”

“No!” Rey shakes her head. She considers Kylo’s treatment and then adds again, more quietly. “No. My friends are here, and I won’t leave them. But what else can I do?” First she had been a scavenger, then she had been a Padawan. There had never been any other choice, no forks in the road leading her to this point. “There must be something for -”

“A brave young woman with a good heart and Force sensitivity like yours?” General Organa rolls her eyes and Rey’s jaw drops. She’s seen that gesture so many times on Kylo. It is, for a moment, disorienting. “I’m sure we can find you something to do.” She pushes her chair back and stands, pacing leisurely behind her desk. “You could work maintenance, and they’d be happy to have you. You could be a pilot, like your friend Poe. You could join Finn in the infantry.” Her smile quirks when Rey doesn’t jump at any of the options. “You could be an officer’s aid.”

Rey’s not sure if she could just pick one of those at random. What would it be like to fight beside Finn, or to take orders from Poe on a mission? Her stomach jitters at the prospect. What if something went wrong? What if one of them died because of something she did? Who would take care of Kylo if something happened to her?  She could be a mechanic, but would that be enough? She loves being up to her elbows in an engine, but does she want to do that every day for the rest of her life?

“What does an officer’s aide do?”

General Organa crinkles her eyes and Master Skywalker smiles. “A bit of everything. Aides need to assist their commanding officer in whatever official business requires. You’d be a personal secretary and help with everything from diplomacy to negotiations to making sure the officer eats regularly. If the officer isn’t able to attend a meeting, you would be sent in their place.” Rey’s stomach lurches. She can’t be qualified for that position. “Aides are expected to be fully combat ready and they must be adequate pilots. They need to be calm, professional, and able to take orders.” The General waves her hand, batting away Rey’s half-formed questions, but she’s smiling now, her grin matching her brother’s.  “Everything will vary depending on who you’re assigned to.”

Rey’s scavenger instincts kick in.  There’s something there, some treasure that the twins are concealing. “If I was to say yes, who would I be working under?” She shudders at the thought of doing  paperwork under Major Ematt or planning attack strategies under Admiral Ackbar, and Statura already has the intimidating Captain Kess.

“Me, obviously.” General Organa doesn’t mess around. “I’ve had aides before and they’ve all been worse than useless, but I could work with you. An extra pair of hands and eyes, an extra mind, would be a great help to me. Your Force Sensitivity is an enormous asset, as well. Everyone always gets hung up on the Jedi thing.” Leia gives her brother a withering look. “They aren’t the be all and end all of the Force.”

Luke raises his hands in mock surrender. “That’s why I brought her to you!”

Leia returns her stern gaze to Rey.  “All jokes aside, it’s not an easy position. The hours are shit, and the pay is worse.” Luke moves as if to speak but Leia flaps him back into silence. “I’ll make sure you have time for training with Luke and for... leisure, in whatever form that manifests.” Rey tries very hard not to blush and doesn’t quite manage it.

When Rey goes to speak, the General holds up a hand. “You do not have to give me an answer right now. Ask your friends about what they do. Go bug the mechanic crew. Take a day to sort out your thoughts and then decide.” She crosses to the front of the desk and takes Rey’s in both of hers. “I would love to have you as my aide, and it’s not just because I like having you around. I think you could excel in the position. But regardless of what I want, you must choose what’s right for you. I promise, you have done more than enough for me already.”

The General’s hands are calloused from blaster and stylus. Her skin is warm and there’s something so familiar about her presence that Rey wonders how Kylo keeps his mother away from his heart, his mind. The Force around her shines just like it does around Luke, though her power is more like the sun shining through leaves than Luke’s full noon heat. Rey takes a moment to acknowledge the choice and consider her options, but she knows that she wants this. “I would be honored to assist you, General Organa.”

Master Skywalker grins, satisfied. The General’s smile lights up her whole face and peels back the years to reveal the luminous princess she was. “Good! Would you be willing to start this afternoon?” She gestures around the room, to the piles of paperwork and heaps of dossiers. “No time like the present.”

“Yes, General,” Rey nods.

“Very good. First things first: cut that ‘General’ crap. Call me Leia when it’s just us.” She hooks a thumb at her brother. “Call him Luke. He’s not your master anymore and it does him good to be reminded that he’s really just a too-short hick farmer in a bathrobe.” Luke splutters and this is the most Rey has ever liked the Jedi. He seems more real here, more human with his sister. The General, Leia , pats her arm and ignores Luke’s offence. “Go get some lunch in you, then bring my son and Finn up to the Blue Room when you’re finished. I have something to discuss with the two of you.”

Rey’s face twists and her stomach flips. “Bring Kylo… to you? Today?”

Leia nods. “Right after lunch.  Don’t worry - it’s a good thing, I promise. We probably won’t even have to file any maintenance requests. That’s another one of your jobs, by the way.”

Rey tries not to frown at that vague information, and nods before slipping out the door as General Organa takes her vacated seat and Luke reaches for her hand.

The cafeteria is noisy and crowded as she negotiates through the line. She’d forgotten how busy it could get - her meals have mostly been snatched in the mornings or late in the evenings when most people are already in bed. She fills her tray and finds  Kylo, Finn and Poe sitting in a corner.  Kylo sees her first, meeting her eyes with a flicker of surprise before smoothing it over, murmuring a soft greeting as she slides in beside him.

Finn looks up from blowing on his soup. “Hey, Rey! Master Luke is letting you eat lunch today?”

“I’m not training with Master Luke anymore.” Rey focuses on the food in front of her, chasing a blue noodle around her plate. Better to tell them and get it over with.

Excitement spikes through their connection, but Kylo quickly tamps it down. Is it because of this morning?

Finn and Poe exchange a quick look between bites of food. Poe smiles his confident, winning, ‘I believe in you’ smile. “We’re happy to have you, but… what does that mean?”

Rey pours her relief back at Kylo, reaches under the table to brush her fingers against his as she chews on her lunch. Don’t be silly. You know it wasn’t a good fit for me. “It never really felt right, and I couldn’t keep pretending that it did. Master Luke was very understanding.”

Nuzzling against her mind, radiating warmth and pleasure and reassurance, Kylo bumps his knee against hers. You couldn’t have figured that out a month ago?

Shut up. She smiles at him under her eyelashes and goes back to shoveling noodles in her mouth. She shares in the joy of the bond as Finn and Poe flick crumbs at each other and squabble about whether the bird nesting outside the window is a tit or a swallow. It’s comforting, it’s normal. These three are her family and she’s missed them. Now more than ever she feels confident in her decision. She could never cut them out or leave them behind, and now she won’t have to.

The argument ends in a stalemate. BB-8 can’t see out the window to scan the bird and definitively categorize it and her friends turn their attention back to Rey. “So,” Finn asks, “If you’re not training with Luke all day, what are you going to do?”

“General Organa offered me a position as her aide.”

Kylo chokes on a mouthful of caf as Finn and Poe goggle. “General Organa?” Her two friends exclaim at once, exchanging another of those quick glances.

“That’s awesome!” Poe declares, raising his cup of caf in her direction. Finn nods in agreement and gives her two thumbs up. They all turn to Kylo, who wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Con-” He grits the syllable out like it hurts, knuckles white on his tray. The bond twists under the force of his thoughts as the plastic flexes under his hands. He breathes out, loosens his fingers and stands, careful and controlled. He takes another deep breath, lets it out and tries again. “Congratulations, Rey.” His tone is perfectly neutral. “You will be a great help to… her. When do you start?”.

“I’ve already started.” Rey stands as well. “My first job is to bring you and Finn up to the Blue Room. The General wants to talk to us.”

Now it’s Finn’s turn to choke.  “Me? What did I do?”

Rey sooths Kylo’s sudden anxiety through their connection as she speaks aloud. “Nothing, I’m sure.  The General said that it’s good news.”

His lip twists at that, bond prickling. “You know how much I’d love to chat with you two and the General, but I have to work this afternoon. And every other afternoon.  Forever.”  

“Are you really refusing a chance to get out of reading more scouting reports and comms transcriptions?” She catches an eye and lifts a challenging eyebrow at him as they all clear their places.

Kylo breaks her gaze and frowns, thinking as they exit the cafeteria. I’ll need to check in with Kess. Lieutenant Thorne will run to her like a kicked puppy if I’m even a minute late. He raises the comm on his wrist. “Kess, the General wants to see me in the Blue Room.”

There’s a touch of static and then Captain Kess’s voice answers. “Yes she does, Ren. Look at you, checking in before deviating from your schedule.  Someone’s getting a gold star today.” Kylo grits his teeth and a stab of annoyance flashes through Rey’s mind as he tightens his hand on hers. “I’ll see you there in five minutes.” The comm darkens as the transmission ends.

Kylo drops his wrist. “She really has a way with people, doesn’t she?”

Rey pushes the hair out of his eyes and mirrors the caress through the connection.  “She was praising you. Checking in with her was the right thing to do, even if she is… difficult.”

Finn stands to the side and pretends to be interested in his shoes.

They take their time walking to the base’s non-combat meeting room. Kylo hesitates before the blue door, teetering on the edge of something painful.

Rey smiles up at him.   You’ve come this far already. What’s one more step?

Kylo glances at Finn, who turns his eyes up and spins on his heel to examine a safety poster tacked to the wall across the hall, whistling tunelessly. Rey leans up to plant a quick kiss at the corner of Kylo’s mouth. Let’s see what they want. She pushes through the door and  the men  follow her, taking seats together on one side of the table.

Admiral Statura and Captain Kess enter a few minutes later with General Organa. Kylo’s hands tighten on the arms of his chair but he keeps himself in check. Rey brushes against his mind.

After everyone has settled themselves and grudging pleasantries and terse nods have been exchanged, the General gets down to business. “We’ve been keeping you in the dark about most of what has been going on in the war. You know what matters, which is that the Resistance is making progress against the First Order.” Something like annoyance ripples from Kylo but at a glance from Rey, he tamps it down as Finn fidgets on her other side. “That being said,” the General continues, ignoring her son’s controlled anger,  “We will lose any extended war against the First Order. We simply can’t beat them when it comes down to recruiting efforts or military expenditures-”

“I’ve told you what I know about their financiers,” Kylo grits out, bending the edges of his chair where his fingers clench as he struggles to speak in a steady voice. “They’re in deep with the Moneylenders Guild. I don’t know what the First Order has over their heads but-”

“Thank you.” General Organa cuts him off and Rey can only think that this is the first time they’ve spoken since he was freed. “The information on the Guild has been useful. However, we have not brought you here for more insight on the First Order. We have something different in mind.” Kylo subsides and she gives him a short nod of acknowledgment. “As I said, we’re holding our own for the time being, but it won’t last. Given the destruction of the Hosnian system, we cannot depend on support from the Republic as it attempts to rebuild. We need to start considering tactical options. From the reports we’ve received, it appears that the Knights of Ren have all but pulled back from the fighting. None of the sortees have seen them anywhere. Snoke’s relying on a conventional military, and there’s all sorts of ways to handle that, be they traditional or more unconventional.”

“Unconventional?” Finn tastes the word, trying it on for size.

Leia clasps her hands together in front of her chest. “We discussed this plan when Finn here came to us a few months ago, but his ideological dissatisfaction was considered to be an aberration, not the rule. We’ve had a few more First Order personnel defect since then, in ones and twos.”

Rey’s heart leaps as Kylo starts and Finn gasps. “Really? How many? Who is it? Where are they?” Finn leans forward, desperate for more information.

Eyes twinkling, the General gives him a small smile. “There are about twenty, Finn. We're holding them off-world for now.” Finn takes a sharp breath in through his nose and looks down.

Kylo lets out a sharp, barked laugh. “That many? Good. It’ll annoy Hux,” he spits. Rey reaches under the table to stroke his hand and he settles.

Startled by her son’s outburst, the General glances at Kess and Statura before continuing. “We picked up a half-squad of troopers and their sergeant a few days after you two joined us.” She looks to Rey and Kylo. “They say they had been trying to leave since hearing about Finn’s escape, but that your, uh, departure, really stirred the pot.” She sticks her hands in her belt and leans back in her chair with a self-satisfied expression. “These guys are full of interesting information about what the rank and file think.”

The General looks Kylo straight in the eye and he holds her gaze, running his thumb in nervous circles over Rey’s hand.  “People know that you attacked Snoke and left with another Force user, and everyone assumes, correctly, that you’ve come to us. There are all sorts of rumors flying around. If the Resistance will welcome a Stormtrooper,” she looks to Finn, “and forgive the First Knight,” she looks back to Kylo, “it’ll probably accept intelligence agents, pilots, officers. It sounds like there’s a vein to be tapped here.”  She smirks. “It’s time to address that.”

Statura turns to Kylo. “You have been exemplary in your work and behavior since your arrival. We will be working with General Organa and her people so that you can be of greater help to the Resistance.”

“What would I be doing?” Kylo looks at his mother and Rey feels panic fluttering in his chest.

The General slides a folder across the table, but Kylo doesn’t open it. “We want to show the First Order that you are working with us. We want to showcase you and Finn, make it absolutely clear that the Resistance will embrace all who want to join our cause.  If what we’re hearing from these defectors is true, and we have very good reasons to believe that it is, this could be a major battle that we can win.”

Statura glowers. “The limitations on your movement and access to weaponry must be relaxed for this to succeed, but please do not delude yourself that we need your cooperation so badly that we will overlook misdemeanors going forward.”

Kylo scrubs a hand over his eyes, shaking his head. “So you want to send me to kill First Order guys because you think it’ll, what, inspire people to join the Resistance? You want me to be an attack dog for the good guys this time, is that it?”

The link boils between them, thoughts popping in and out faster than Rey can follow. Anger, eagerness, suspicion, fear, disgust. They’re all but demanding he go back to being a human weapon. Even if they disagree on the reasoning, they both want the war to be over, and they still need to kill Snoke. There’s a flickering of cold rage, mindless fear, when Kylo thinks of his old master. Rey recalls the plop of Snoke’s hand as it hit the floor and her need to finish him off flares. Only after Snoke is dead will the people she cares about be safe to have lives of their own.

“You are not a dog. The Resistance will-” General Organa’s face twists around the words, her professional exterior cracking around the edges, and Kylo cuts over her.

“I’m not objecting to the description. If you want a killer, I’m the best one you’ve got, and it's not like I can say no. And, honestly,” he gives Statura and Kess a glance, “I’ll take murder over intelligence analysis with Thorne any day.”

Kess rolls her eyes and the Admiral nods, looking bored. “I’m delighted that you’re ready to apply yourself to the cause.” Statura looks to Rey and to Finn. “We can’t force you to do anything, but your cooperation and participation in these missions is critical to their success.  What do you say?”

Squeezing Kylo’s hand under the table again, Rey straightens herself in her chair. “If this is the best way to get at Snoke, I’m in.”

Leia smiles at her and then wags a finger. “You’re still my aide. Every minute you’re on the clock and not training or out on missions, you’re with me.”

Rey nods as Finn speaks. “Anything that weakens the First Order and get some guys out alive, I’m in.  I had no idea anyone else wanted to leave.  This is huge.” He’s beaming, happier than when talking about his birds or when Poe smiles at him.

“You all begin preparations starting tomorrow morning, with the intent of flying your first mission in two week’s time. Captain Kess will be working with you and reporting back to me and the General every day.” Statura talks them through the general mission parameters as well as the limitations on Kylo’s freedom, the surveillance he’ll be under while operating pretending to be a happy, well-adjusted member of the Resistance.

“So remember,” Kess grins says as Statura dismisses them. “We’re all a big happy family now, alright?”

Kylo groans.