Trial 2 - Part 4: The Inbetween

At this moment, here and now, I am saddling the line between life and death - Walking the void known as purgatory. I feel no weight, no movement in the muscles I use, but still it's there. I have heard about purgatory and how many times it appears in the Bible as one of the three places after death. I've even wondered if it's an actual place.

I am now in between times. Between the life I used to live and the life I want to live. Not yet dead, but certainly not ready to be born. I sit here between the two times, waiting on the decision of a higher power. If I don't choose the right way, then I end up in one of two places, both of which I would not wish on anyone. One being an eternal life in a place called hell, the other being a temporary life of suffering, pain and torment in a place called purgatory.

I will be waiting here for what feels like a hundred years. I know the time will come. My time has not yet arrived, but I know it will come. Until then, I sit here between two options. Waiting to make the right choice.

What is the right choice? That is the question. No one can tell you for sure, but I can try to give you some pointers.

One thing is for sure. No matter where I end up after this life, it is not my choice to be here. I was brought here by fate. Whatever form that fate may take, I will not complain. I will accept whatever role destiny has in store for me. So in that sense, I am truly where I should be. I am no more a choice. A decision I made in this life has taken me to where I was meant to be.

So if you're asking me if I regret the choices I have made in this life, the answer would have to be a resounding no! I don't regret those choices. I feel a sense of satisfaction and pride in every choice I have made. I am no saint, but I am not a devil either. I'm somewhere in the middle, trying to be the best man I can be, but still having a life full of struggle.

Still, I can choose a better life for myself and those around me. I know I have that power. I have the potential to be better than I have been so far. I can change. My only choice is to accept or reject that fact. Accept or reject my past and use my experience to choose to be better for the future. I don't see a life in purgatory as the best future I can choose. For many of us, a past we cannot change is the only thing we can do to make a better life for ourselves. That's something I have to accept, and be thankful for.

So what's the right choice? Well, I guess the truth is, it's not really a question of what is the right choice. It's a question of which choice would best suit the needs and desires of the heart of man. If you have no desires in this life, then there's nothing in a life in purgatory that would bring you fulfillment or happiness. For those who want to fulfill their hearts desires in this life, a life in purgatory would give them that opportunity. It would allow them to use the experiences they gained to choose a better life for themselves, with or without the help of some saint. It would give them a choice of better lives in order to fulfill the desires of their heart. The reason I don't feel the need to make a final choice is because I know I can do both. I know that I can choose to remain on the mortal path or take a road to purgatory. But I know I can also choose to use the experiences and the mistakes I have made to choose a better life. Whether it be through my faith, or through the strength of my own will, a life in purgatory is not a final decision for me.

It is a stepping stone to better things. A place to learn from the mistakes of the past. So what am I really doing here? Perhaps it's just the way it is, perhaps it's just another way to learn. I really don't know. What I do know is I have accepted responsibility for the choices I have made. In the end, I am the one who will choose my future. It's my choice to make what will become of me, my experiences and the things I have learned. I will have an opportunity to be better than I have ever been in my life. That will make me worthy of my future life. That makes my choice here meaningful, even if it's not an immediate decision. My fate has already been determined, even if it will come in a form I will have to wait on and accept.

Should I accept my death though? Am I even dead or merely passed out? I can't say for sure, but it seems like I'm in between both worlds, a little bit here and a little bit there. I can see both sides. I can feel both sides. I'm like a man sleeping on a bench. I've been here for what feels like a hundred years now, but still, I can see both sides of the world. In the end, this life is all about the choices you make. If you choose the right road, you can have an enjoyable journey. If you choose the wrong road, well, it might not be the end of the world; It could very well be the beginning of a great journey.

But what's the point of this life? Why was I born? Why should I live? Why should anyone live? It seems to me that life has no real meaning or purpose. It goes around in circles and then suddenly its all over. I just wish it would go somewhere, get started, get somewhere. I guess that's the same for everyone. We have a desire to know what the meaning of life is. We wish we could somehow figure out where we came from. We wish we could find the purpose of it all. We may not realize it, but we all have that longing in our hearts. All we want is a sense of where we come from and where we're going. Where is it all going?

I know that life is too short to waste. And I know that I can make a difference and change things. It's not a selfish thing to hope for. It's a human thing. We want to find a way to make our lives matter. We want a world where we are still the center of attention. Where we are more than our worst mistakes. Where we make a difference in the world. I don't know how to make that happen, but I'm willing to try. In the end, whatever I'm looking for is the right choice. I can choose to live life or I can choose to make the most of the life I have. A life that maybe I'll never get back. A life that, right now, I'm not sure how I'm going to get back from.

But I'll make the most of it that I have, right now. I have that choice to make. Will I make the wrong choice? Of course. But I can always make it better. Even if it takes more time to correct my past mistakes, I can make that choice. And in the end, if I'm dead, then at least I made the best choice I could make in that particular life. It's only a matter of time before the weight of my last life comes to me. It may be another thousand years. It may be thirty years. But I know in the end, I will have the chance to make a decision. I will have the choice to live or to die. I will know the meaning of life.

Whether it's now, or in the next moment or when I'm dead, I have to make a decision - But I won't die like this.