Chapter 4 - July 30th (Friday) — Ayase Saki

During lunch, Asamura-kun invited me to go shopping with him tomorrow. 

Just then, both our phones beeped. 

Shiori:[You've probably already checked, but the site has a waterfall and outdoor sauna! Don't forget your swimsuits~"]

Reading it, I made a weird sound in my throat without meaning to.

Given I was studying for entrance exams this year, going out and having fun was the last thing on my mind. Obviously that extended to wearing a swimsuit… and I'd felt relieved thinking it was just a barbecue.

While eating lunch alone with Asamura-kun (my Mom was asleep, and my Stepdad was at work), I started to worry and got distracted.

I returned to my room after I finished eating. I rummaged through my wardrobe and pulled out the swimsuit I bought last year.

"It should be fine, it should be fine... I hope."

I hung it on the back of a chair and stripped off my T-shirt. Just as I went to take off my underwear too, I had a moment of panic and checked if the door was locked. Yep, locked securely.

Alright—

To check what I wanted to check, I didn't need to take everything off; just the top would suffice. I swapped my clothes with the swimsuit hanging on the chair, then slipped the neck over my head and held it against my chest. Then, I reached behind my back to hook it… Ugh.

I felt a trickle of sweat slide down the inside of my heart.

I could feel a tightness from my chest to my back, making it slightly difficult to fasten the hook... or so it seemed.

I bravely picked up the bottom part of the swimsuit that was spread out on the floor. 

It must just be in my head.

But reality was cruel. I noticed that the area around my hips was slightly snugger.

Wait, could it be... No, did I actually get... fat?

I'd been pretending not to notice, but truthfully, I was a little aware of it. I weighed myself every day, so I did think I'd put on a bit of weight.

However, I'd chalked it up to gaining muscle mass from all the exercising I did preparing for the sports festival and put it out of my mind.

But I couldn't deceive myself when it came to my chest and hips. I might've let myself go a little…

As I stood looking at myself in my full-length mirror, I couldn't help pinching the fat around my belly, even though I knew better. Just being able to pinch it said it all, really.

No good. I can't wear this swimsuit. I have to buy a new one...

Right when I was taking a deep breath to settle my internal cold sweat, there was a knock on the door. I nearly let out a yelp. 

I definitely couldn't go and open the door in this outfit.

"J-Just a minute."

Making Asamura-kun wait at the door, I quickly got dressed and tossed last year's swimsuit onto the bed. I covered it with a futon and then opened the door.

I wasn't planning to let him in or anything, and I didn't think he was the type to peek, but I still didn't want to risk him seeing through the gap in the door.

Asamura-kun suggested it was about time to go shopping. I agreed, but asked if I could also buy a swimsuit while we were at it. 

He remembered I'd bought a new swimsuit last year and said it should be fine just to wear that. I was happy he remembered, but it was out of the question. There was no way I could agree to that.

Trying not to let him sense my agitation, I came up with some flimsy excuse and forcefully persuaded Asamura-kun. Something about an item's level dropping, which didn't make any sense. But apparently he accepted it as if it did.

I'm sorry. I just don't want you to realize I've gotten fatter.

We headed to Hands in Shibuya to buy camping gear. Central Shibuya in summer was the last place I wanted to be walking around during the hottest part of the day, but we had no choice because going later could interfere with tomorrow's camping plans.

Stepping inside the building, I immediately felt the cool air against my skin. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around myself and started rubbing them for warmth.

"Cold?"

"A bit," I replied, slipping on the outerwear I'd brought just in case.

The outdoor goods section was right at the entrance. I scanned the shelves, planning the most efficient route in my head as I always do.

"What do we need again?" I asked Asamura-kun.

He showed me the list he'd typed up on his phone. There was a heap of items on it, given it was just a day camping trip. 

I scanned the section again. Since there were two of us, I figured it'd be quicker to split and search for things separately. I suggested as much and had him send me the shopping list. 

We each took a shopping basket and separated to the left and right. While browsing through the shelves, it dawned on me: why rush this precious alone time shopping together in the name of efficiency? Wouldn't it have been more fun to browse the shelves together, side by side?

Argh... Maybe I made a mistake.

As I walked around feeling a little down, my smartphone beeped. Asamura-kun had sent[Found it]indicating he'd found the insect repellent spray.

Thinking we would finish shopping in no time, I found myself tapping a stamp I normally wouldn't send—it was a cat-themed one from a set Maaya had talked me into buying the other day. The cat was holding a sign that said "Ryo!", which is supposed to mean "Got it." Whenever I sent a message to Maaya lately, she'd immediately send this stamp back to me. So, I got roped into it too, and my finger tapped it by impulse.

I realized what I'd done and felt embarrassed. While cringing inside at how out of character it was, I continued browsing the shelves. This time, I was the one to find something and told Asamura-kun. He replied with a plain [Understood]message. His serious response was so like him that a smile unconsciously crept onto my lips. I glanced around to see if anyone noticed. No one did, right?

I went around the shelves and exchanged short messages each time I found an item on the list. Having already used the cat stamp, I continued to use it in my replies.

My screen was filled with cats holding signs in no time. 

It started feeling more fun as we shot short messages back and forth, even though we were wandering around different parts of the store. It made it feel like we were shopping together.

Browsing the shelves was fun too. A variety of LED lights for nighttime caught my eye. I particularly liked the ones designed to look like old-fashioned lamps, with a handle, transparent glass cover and a wick inside—well, the wick itself wasn't cotton like a real oil lamp, replaced with an LED. It seemed like something out of a fairy tale. I wanted one for my room. Maybe I'll take my time to look around more when I'm free. 

As we efficiently ticked off each item on the list, Asamura-kun and I eventually bumped into each other in the middle of an aisle. We checked each other's baskets, and saw we had pretty much everything—only folding chairs left.

I remembered seeing them when I was going around the shelves, so I led Asamura-kun to them. 

I chose a perfect red folding chair from among the ones on display. I said I was taking it, and Asamura-kun reached for the matching one next to it, but immediately pulled his hand back. 

I wondered why, but then heard his muttering, and it clicked. 

Ah, I see, he's worried about us having matching stuff.

It reminded me that Kozono-san had a knack for picking up on things where you least expected it. She'd sensed something was off just by Asamura-kun and I both saying our bentos were "made by my family."

Back then, Asamura-kun's and my lunch bags matched, just in different colors, so I'd quickly moved mine out of sight.

I got what Asamura-kun was worried about. So, I asked him directly, "What are we telling Kozono-san about us?"

She was clever and had good intuition. If we showed up with matching camping gear bought from the same store, she'd likely suspect we were a couple. I mean, it wouldn't be just a suspicion; it's actually the truth.

I didn't really have a specific plan in mind right then and there. I just don't like the idea of someone who doesn't know me well making assumptions about my life. That was pretty much all I was thinking about.

When you really think about it, it's kind of a strange situation. Because, really, even people walking passed us when we were holding hands probably pictured something about us in their minds. 

But reason and emotion are two different things. I just don't like it, that's all there was to it. 

After hearing me out, Asamura-kun thought for a while, then suggested we decide how much to reveal about our relationship to Kozono-san. Should we tell her that we're step-siblings? Or tell her we're step-siblings and a couple?

The former was something Yomiuri-senpai already knew, so it seemed safe to bring it up during our little trip. But we'd be exposing our romantic relationship to her too if we did the latter. That'd be pretty embarrassing. 

And the jury's out on whether Kozono-san would be satisfied with us only telling her we were step-siblings. 

So then, should we just keep it under wraps and not say anything at all?

That's what I thought, but… "Since Kozono-san works in Shibuya, it wouldn't be weird for her to see us here, would it?"

If we were trying to avoid being caught, wouldn't that mean we also couldn't hold hands in Shibuya? That'd just make us regular siblings. 

That probably wouldn't have been an issue a year ago, but now, I knew it was impossible for me. After finally confirming our feelings for each other, not being able to hold hands, let alone kiss, would lead to a "Yuuta Asamura deficiency." He was basically a vital nutrient for me now, like vitamins to the human body. Without my dose, it could cause serious health problems. 

While my mind was racing off in all the wrong directions, Asamura-kun calmly listed off the reason why we probably wouldn't bump into Kozono-san in Shibuya. It made me feel a little relieved for the moment.

But we couldn't decide how much to tell Kozono-san. Either way, it'd be pointless to continue the discussion inside Hands. 

Asamura-kun had apparently decided against buying matching folding chairs for now. 

He probably didn't like being suspected of things when he hadn't done anything wrong.

Despite the fact he was trying to avoid getting his business pried into, a very unreasonable thought suddenly popped into mind. Maybe if Kozono-san knew we were a proper couple, she wouldn't cling to Asamura-kun as much. Maybe it'd be better to tell her everything… 

I shook my head to dispel it. It's wrong. Kozono-san being overly clingy with Asamura-kun was just my perception, and I didn't have any proof. It might just be a delusion born from my ugly jealousy. Dragging Asamura-kun into my iffy feelings, and pushing him into revealing something he wanted to keep private was wrong. 

We landed on a wishy-washy agreement to keep our relationship ambiguous for the time being, using the upcoming camp as an excuse to put off an actual decision. 

I suppressed the inner voice telling me that decision might've been what the two of us needed to discuss the most. Feeling frustrated, I shoved those feelings down deep inside.

Buying clothes always makes me feel better. I didn't want to waste such a fun time. I mean, the actual reason I was buying clothes was because my current swimsuit was too tight, but let's not harp on that. 

It was utterly baffling. I didn't particularly mind wearing the one piece swimsuits we got for school. Who'd have thought I'd be buying a new swimsuit two years in a row? It was a painful expense, but needed to be done.

There was a pleasant surprise, though: being able to shop together. Asamura-kun was technically already my brother last year, but he wasn't someone I could open up to completely, so we shopped for swimsuits separately.

When we finally got to the Italian brand store I had my eye on, and I was all set to go in, Asamura-kun suddenly said he'd wait outside.

"What're you talking about?" I blurted out without thinking.

"Mm."

I reach out the hand not holding the Hands bag towards Asamura-kun.

"Outside, remember?" I practically whispered as a reminder. "...Act like a couple."

Asamura-kun reluctantly went along with it, taking my hand. I wanted to enjoy shopping with him. I regretted separating at Hands and prioritizing efficiency over being together. 

The brightly lit shop was crammed full of beachwear. Um, what's the word again… oh right, "mankanshoku." My world history teacher taught us about that. Apparently it's what you call something that's heavily decorated.

The swimsuits displayed on mannequins and hangers seemed to cover every color imaginable, creating a dazzling array of visuals that was a joy just to look at. My smile widened, and my mood lifted with it. 

But as we walked around holding hands, I noticed Asamura-kun looked pale. He seemed a bit uncomfortable. 

Maybe it was because we were walking in silence.

So, I deliberately let go of his hand, picked up a swimsuit that caught my eye, and showed it to him. I asked him things like, "What do you think?" and "Does this suit me?" in the hopes of starting a conversion. I figured that if we had a reason to talk, we could chat and distract ourselves. 

But Asamura-kun hardly gave any feedback. Instead, he started saying he wasn't knowledgeable enough about this stuff to have an opinion.

No, I wasn't asking for that, I thought—but then it hit me. Was this like what I read online a few days ago, the thing on "Getting guys to love you"? There was a section on "Common misunderstandings between men and women," advising against seeking logical agreement when you want emotional connection.

Reflecting on my questions—"What do you think?" and "Does it suit me?"—I realized my mistake.

Ah, so that's it.

When choosing clothes, I've always taken others' opinions with a grain of salt. Even if someone likes it, if I don't, I won't wear it, and vice versa. Why? Because I don't want to blame the outcome on someone else's opinion. I hate making my actions dependent on others. I never want to say something like, "You said it was good, but I was embarrassed wearing it."

So, my approach was off. I'll have to approach it at a different angle.

"Um, how do I put this… It's not about right or wrong answers, I just wanna have a conversation. Your opinion on swimsuits is just a conversation starter."

Asamura-kun looked predictably surprised. 

What I wanted was his thoughts, and my goal was to share this fun shopping trip with my boyfriend, Yuuta Asamura. So, how should I have phrased that?

I stared at the face of the boy in front of me.

Everyone might be different, but it was a challenge getting genuine feelings, not opinions, out of him. Yuuta Asamura, despite being better at understanding characters in novels than me, tends to think too logically about everything…

Then it dawned on me. 

"Um, so, how does this look like to you?" I asked while holding up a blue two-piece swimsuit. 

It was the same type of question from before, but focused on appearance rather than judgment.

Sure enough, he described it as he saw it. Yes, yes, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. And his concern about whether the swimsuit would come off while swimming was just like him. Probably because he couldn't imagine a trip to the beach that only included a stroll along the shore, without a dip in the ocean. 

And if it was a fake ribbon, that wouldn't be a concern. But how could he have known that?

Come to think of it, I'd seen boys' clothes with fake chains or buttons, but not ribbons. 

I think it would be pretty cute if they did have them.

What kind of swimsuit did Asamura-kun wear last year? The thought of it having ribbons on the sides was amusing. When I told Asamura-kun as much, he just looked puzzled. 

But I felt like I'd gotten the hang of conversing with Asamura-kun. 

He's too pragmatic, so when he's asked something as if there's a problem to solve, he'd want to find a solution. 

To get someone like him to share their plain view, I shouldn't abbreviate my words.

Preparation is key, after all.

After browsing the store, we headed home, chatting all the way. 

It was fun. 

He seemed to avoid my gaze when he saw the swimsuit I'd liked and bought, but he said it wasn't because he didn't like it, so I took that as a good sign. 

I returned home feeling content.