Chapter 11 - August 6th (Friday) — Asamura Yuuta

I woke up early on the fifth morning of the study camp. 

I glanced at my phone—5:57, not even 6 am yet.

Despite going to bed after 3 am, my mind felt surprisingly clear. There were still two hours until breakfast. 

I feel like I've been waking up earlier with each passing day.

But this worked out perfectly for me. I threw off the blanket, washed my face, and immediately started preparing for today's lessons.

There was a test yesterday as well, but I still couldn't solve the problems like I wanted to.

Even now, the sound of my peers' pencils briskly scribbling away lingered in my ears.

And it wasn't just that. With every lecture, I felt the gap between me and the others widening. During breaks, they would eagerly throw pointed questions at the instructor. They weren't just listening and taking notes like me.

I needed to understand more, to solve problems faster. Otherwise, I feel like there's no way I can beat them. If I don't do that, I'll fail. Getting into Ichise University was no walk in the park. Besides, my family wasn't exactly rich. With both Ayase-san and me wanting to move on to higher education at the same time, becoming a ronin[1] was out of the question. 

[1: In an academic context, "ronin" (浪人) refers to a student in Japan who has failed entrance exams for a university, typically after completing high school. The term "ronin" literally means "wave person" or "wave man," suggesting someone who is adrift or without direction. These students often spend a year or more studying intensively to retake entrance exams in hopes of gaining admission to their desired institution]

But if I lowered my aim to a worse university, I don't feel like I could stand beside Ayase-san. So, all I could do was try harder.

When I lost my focus for a moment and checked the time, it was almost 9 am. The lecture would start in a few minutes. 

I rushed out of my room. Being late for a lecture because I was preparing for it would be a bad joke. 

The elevator was crowded again today, but I managed to make it into the room that was being used as a lecture hall just in the nick of time. 

No sooner had I caught my breath than the instructor entered, starting the first class of the fifth day. It was halfway through the study camp now, and today marked the start of the second half.

The lectures continued for two periods until 12 pm, leading into lunchtime. No surprise, skipping breakfast was taking its toll, and my stomach was growling with hunger. The cafeteria was buffet-style (with all meals included in the camp fees), so I could go to town. But stuffing my face in this situation would only make me sleepy.

I settled for just bread and milk to fill my stomach, eating it while reviewing my vocabulary book and preparing for the next class. My meals had been like this for a while now.

I attended the afternoon lectures. There were four 90-minute ones with breaks in between, going from 1 to 8 pm. 

When they were all over, it was finally time for dinner. Given I'd only been eating light meals all day, my stomach was audibly rumbling.

"Maybe it's time for some curry," I muttered to myself while wandering the cafeteria.

I put a bowl of curry and a glass of orange juice on my tray and looked around for an empty seat. 

Just then, I heard someone call out to me. I looked up to see Fujinami-san waving me over. There was a seat open across from her. I thanked her and sat down, apologizing for my rudeness as I continued looking through my vocabulary cards as I ate.

I finished eating in about five minutes. Fujinami-san looked surprised when I said "Well then" and went to stand up.

"You really think you can get by with just that?"

"I mean, I'm full enough."

For some reason, Fujinami-san stared intently at my face as I answered.

"Um... I hope this isn't rude to ask, but are you getting enough sleep?"

"Huh, of course I am."

"You have bags under your eyes."

I rubbed around my eyes. It's hard to believe that just cutting back on sleep for a few days could show that much, but her comment did make me a bit concerned. I think I'll be fine, though.

I wanted to get back to my room ASAP and resume studying. I felt particularly productive today.

"Alright. I'll be careful. See you," I said, standing up with my tray.

"Where are you going with that?"

"Oh, right. This isn't a school cafeteria, is it?"

We were allowed to leave our trays on the table when we were finished eating here. I forgot.

I left the tray on the table and was about to leave when Fujinami-san spoke up again. 

"Asamura-san, do you happen to have an English dictionary with you?"

"Huh? Ah, yeah, I did bring one just in case."

"Could I borrow it later? I need it for a bit of prep."

"Sure, no problem. I can bring it to you now if you want."

"No, later is fine. I don't want to trouble you with something so small. Coming to your room shouldn't be a problem if it's just for something like borrowing a dictionary."

Men's and women's floors in the hotel were separated, but apparently borrowing things was allowed if you told them the reason.

I gave her my room number, making a mental note to get the dictionary out.

"Alright then, good night."

"...Yeah. See you."

I stood up from my seat, thinking her response had been unusually hesitant for her. 

As I left, I realized it'd been a while since I'd had a real conversation with her, despite being in the same dorm and seeing her around from time to time. It'd been several days since I talked to anyone, for that matter. I hadn't even called Ayase-san; we just exchanged short messages.

"I want to hear her voice."

I was surprised by my own words. 

No, I shouldn't have the luxury to think like that. I should focus on studying, every minute counts.

It was just past 8 pm, meaning I had at least two more hours to study. Back in my room, I opened my math workbook.

***

A ding from my phone broke my concentration.

Glancing at the pop-up that flashed up, it seemed to be from Ayase-san.

Weird, she usually messages just before bed, but it's not time yet. 

Has something happened? I was about to reach for my phone when I heard a soft knock on the door.

…Who could it be?

I peered through the peephole suspiciously, and saw Fujinami-san standing there.

I hurriedly opened the door. Oh, right, she mentioned wanting to borrow a dictionary. Uhm…

"Sorry, I'll grab the dictionary right now."

"No, rather than that, may I come in for a bit?"

"Oh, sure. I don't mind."

"Thanks. Standing in the hallway for too long might draw suspicion. I appreciate it," she said as entered the cramped room.

"You needed the English dictionary, right? Just a sec—"

"Oh, no rush. It was just an excuse, anyway."

Come again?

"An excuse for what?"

"I was hoping we could talk a little. Normally, I try to stay out of other people's business as much as possible, but we're not exactly strangers to each other, right?" Fujinami-san said as she came closer and peered into my face. 

"Ah… this is terrible."

"What is?"

"You look terrible. How many days have you not slept?

"No, I have slept."

"Today?"

"Two hours."

"And yesterday?"

"…Two hours, no, maybe three."

"I'm appalled. That's hardly sleeping."

Fujinami-san let out a deep sigh, placing a hand on her forehead and shaking her head.

I couldn't understand why she was so exasperated. I really wasn't feeling sleepy. Not during lectures either.

"But I'm not feeling sleepy."

"So, it's not that you're not sleeping, you can't sleep."

"I feel good. It's rare for me to be able to concentrate on studying this much."

"Oh really? Then that must mean your mock exam scores have gotten better. We haven't gotten the results back yet, but you've done a self-assessment, I presume?"

"Well…"

That forced me into silence. 

It was the second mock exam during the camp, but judging from my self-scoring, yesterday's test was probably my worst one yet. I completely blanked on the formulas I thought I knew, and I screwed up the timing, leaving half the questions unsolved.

"Sigh. Well, you probably don't want to hear this, but—"

"Ah, no, uh… feel free to take a seat if you want."

Seeing Fujinami-san looking like she had more to say, I offered her the chair I'd been sitting in.

But she replied, "I don't plan on staying long, so I'll stay like this," and remained standing in front of me.

"So, why are you in such a rush?"

"Huh?"

Me, in a rush?

"Your goal is Ichise University, right? It's definitely competitive, but in your current state, have you really fully grasped what you've learned? You might be more efficient if you relaxed a bit more."

"But I have to do this much to catch up with everyone else, no, to get ahead of them."

"Everyone else… you mean the people at this study camp?"

I nodded.

"High schoolers who attend camps like this are the cream of the crop. It's understandable if you can't beat them easily. Is there really any point in comparing yourself to them?"

"There is a point. Because exams are competitive, it's only natural to compare yourself. Plus, if I can't beat people at this level, I won't get into Ichise."

I didn't think everyone here was a rival for getting into Ichise, but it was clear that the level of competition was high.

"I see. Let me ask it a different way then. Why do you want to get into Ichise?"

"Huh, because—"

"What faculty do you want to get into? How does it relate to the career you want to pursue? Is there any reason it has to be Ichise?"

"Th-that's… there might not be any... particular reason."

"That's why I'm baffled. If there's no specific reason, you don't necessarily have to go to Ichise. So, why the rush?"

She directed a scrutinizing gaze down at me. We stared at each other in silence, and I was the first to look away.

"You're right… There's no reason it has to be Ichise. But, there's someone… I want to live with in the future."

Fujinami-san nodded along to the last part.

"Ah, the person you talked about before. Got it, so she's someone you're seriously considering a future with. That's pretty rare these days."

"Is it?"

"I think so. Not many high school students think that far into the future."

"Future…"

"Yes, It's far off, isn't it? Nowadays with everyone marrying later, isn't the time for teenagers to think about marriage practically as far off as eternity?"

That's a strangely poetic way of putting it.

"Also, you're planning to continue studying, right? What about your girlfriend?"

"She wants to go to uni too."

"In that case, unless you have a shotgun wedding, it'll probably be after graduation. So like, four or five years from now. Ah, but if it's just about living together, that might be possible right away."

We're already living together… but no, that's not what this is about.

"It's not about the living arrangement."

"I was just ribbing you. I get it. You mean you want to get married."

"Ma—"

The word "marriage" still felt far too abstract for me. Just trying to say it out loud made my heart race.

"Well, some people don't care about making it official. But you seem conservative in that way, Asamura-san, so if you say you want to live with someone, it means you want to marry them, correct?"

"Well, yeah… I guess."

I hadn't thought about it in such specific terms before. But there is someone I want to support. I think our trust in each other is strong now, but feelings don't last forever. 

Who knows what could happen as time goes on? Even Shinjo stopped liking Ayase-san romantically in just six months.

To continue earning her trust, I needed to aim higher. To be worthy of her and to support her, I wanted to go to a better university and secure a better job. 

I shared my honest feelings.

Fujinami-san listened silently until I was finished. 

"If I don't do that, I feel like I won't be worthy of her."

"...Worthy?"

I blinked at the sight of Fujinami-san tilting her head, feeling a sense of déjà vu.

"Is being unworthy unacceptable? Ah, wait. I feel like we've had this conversation before…"

She looked up at the ceiling for a moment before returning her gaze to me.

"I remember now. You said something similar on the first day of the camp. It was when I asked why you were aiming for Ichise. You said it was 'embarrassing' because your motivation was only half of mine."

"I did say that... but..."

"Why did you feel the need to compare yourself to me?"

"No, because…"

Fujinami-san, who'd been staring at me intently, nodded as if she'd realized something.

"I see, so your self-esteem is low."

She threw me for a loop.

"Self-esteem is the sense of affirming one's own existence, right?"

"In rough terms, yes."

"Being told it's low is kind of…"

Honestly, I didn't fully grasp what she meant.

As I tilted my head in confusion, she began to explain.

"It's about whether you can believe someone would love you even if you're a worthless piece of trash and have nothing to offer. 'Worthless' can be replaced with 'poor' or 'cowardly' or any negative word, really. It's about accepting yourself as you are."

"Accepting myself as I am…"

"It's about whether you can view yourself objectively. That's the first step. Can you do that? And can you affirm that?"

I was stumped.

Seeing things objectively, without bias, was something I'd always tried to do.

At the very least, I thought I made an effort not to judge others unfairly.

But what about when it came to myself?

"Asamura-san, I think you've got a skewed view of yourself. I've always thought you were the type to have low self-esteem."

"Low self-esteem… My friends have mentioned that before, too."

"Figured as much. I mean, looking humble can be socially advantageous, but when we first met, you said you weren't that great, and you didn't really compare yourself to others that much, did you?"

"You think so?"

"Because even though you were going to cram school, you were the kind of person who'd still join me for late-night walks around the streets of Shibuya. It never seemed like you were freaking out because you thought everyone else was beating you. Basically, you weren't stressing out about comparing yourself to others."

I clenched my jaw and groaned.

True, I'd been trailing behind Maru and Narasaka-san on the regular exams, but I wasn't exactly scrambling to rack up more study hours because of it.

Looking back, I don't remember ever comparing myself to others and feeling down about myself. Though it wasn't always like that, by the time I entered high school, I'd developed a mindset of "others are others, I am me."

Truthfully, I had to; otherwise, after failing both elementary and junior high school entrance exams, I would've drowned in my own rock-bottom self-esteem. 

Making "seeing the world objectively" my motto was largely influenced by the diverse novels I read, where weaknesses turn into strengths and dire situations flip to entertaining outcomes.

So, had I lost the ability to view things objectively?

"When I showed you around Shibuya at night last year, I intended to show you a world where even the so-called losers have a right to live."

"I think that's obvious. After all, people's evaluations change depending on the criteria, and it's not that you deserve to live because your life has value, but rather, living itself is valuable, so everyone who is alive deserves to live—right?"

I was struck by my own words as they left my lips.

Then why am I suddenly panicking about my low self-esteem?

"You try to view others objectively, Asamura-san. But the way you see yourself is distorted. Your self-esteem is too low. I don't know why."

"It's because…"

I had an inkling why. My low self-esteem stemmed from my past grades, which only served to make my biological mother angry. I did so badly that I felt like I didn't deserve her love anymore. I felt like my value was so low that I deserved to lose her affection.

"Isn't that what's dragging down your self-esteem now, and continuing to lower your self-confidence?"

I was speechless.

"But…" 

But that doesn't mean I can be content with the status quo; I won't be able to catch up to Ayase-san that way.

"Still with the 'but'?"

Sighing, Fujinami-san did something unexpected. She stepped closer, reached out, and pushed hard on my chest. Sitting on a bed without a headboard, I helplessly fell backward.

My arms flailed in the air as she grabbed my wrists, clasped them together as if handcuffing me, then bent them so my own wrists were pressed against my chest. It was like I was in a praying position, but the situation was more akin to—

"In a cop drama, this would be where they shout, 'Suspect secured!'" she said with a grin. 

Leaning over, her refined face loomed closer to mine. I could see the fire alarm on the room's ceiling just past her face. Her breath almost touched me as she spoke. 

"Now you can't study even if you want to."

"No way, you're just kidding, right?"

"Just listen. I know doing this is meaningless, but I want you to imagine something for a moment," she said as she tightened her grip on my bound wrists. 

Ow, ow, ow. Not only was Fujinami-san taller than me, but she also seemed to have decent strength and grip too. True to her word, I was effectively detained.

"Imagine what…?"

"I mean, how would you feel if the person unpleasantly disrupting your studies was someone important to you?"

Did she mean if Ayase-san was in her place right now?

"I don't think Ayase-san would do something like this."

"Ah, so that's her name… if this Ayase-san girl were to—"

August 6th (Friday) — Asamura Yuuta

I woke up early on the fifth morning of the study camp. 

I glanced at my phone—5:57, not even 6 am yet.

Despite going to bed after 3 am, my mind felt surprisingly clear. There were still two hours until breakfast. 

I feel like I've been waking up earlier with each passing day.

But this worked out perfectly for me. I threw off the blanket, washed my face, and immediately started preparing for today's lessons.

There was a test yesterday as well, but I still couldn't solve the problems like I wanted to.

Even now, the sound of my peers' pencils briskly scribbling away lingered in my ears.

And it wasn't just that. With every lecture, I felt the gap between me and the others widening. During breaks, they would eagerly throw pointed questions at the instructor. They weren't just listening and taking notes like me.

I needed to understand more, to solve problems faster. Otherwise, I feel like there's no way I can beat them. If I don't do that, I'll fail. Getting into Ichise University was no walk in the park. Besides, my family wasn't exactly rich. With both Ayase-san and me wanting to move on to higher education at the same time, becoming a ronin[1] was out of the question. 

But if I lowered my aim to a worse university, I don't feel like I could stand beside Ayase-san. So, all I could do was try harder.

When I lost my focus for a moment and checked the time, it was almost 9 am. The lecture would start in a few minutes. 

I rushed out of my room. Being late for a lecture because I was preparing for it would be a bad joke. 

The elevator was crowded again today, but I managed to make it into the room that was being used as a lecture hall just in the nick of time. 

No sooner had I caught my breath than the instructor entered, starting the first class of the fifth day. It was halfway through the study camp now, and today marked the start of the second half.

The lectures continued for two periods until 12 pm, leading into lunchtime. No surprise, skipping breakfast was taking its toll, and my stomach was growling with hunger. The cafeteria was buffet-style (with all meals included in the camp fees), so I could go to town. But stuffing my face in this situation would only make me sleepy.

I settled for just bread and milk to fill my stomach, eating it while reviewing my vocabulary book and preparing for the next class. My meals had been like this for a while now.

I attended the afternoon lectures. There were four 90-minute ones with breaks in between, going from 1 to 8 pm. 

When they were all over, it was finally time for dinner. Given I'd only been eating light meals all day, my stomach was audibly rumbling.

"Maybe it's time for some curry," I muttered to myself while wandering the cafeteria.

I put a bowl of curry and a glass of orange juice on my tray and looked around for an empty seat. 

Just then, I heard someone call out to me. I looked up to see Fujinami-san waving me over. There was a seat open across from her. I thanked her and sat down, apologizing for my rudeness as I continued looking through my vocabulary cards as I ate.

I finished eating in about five minutes. Fujinami-san looked surprised when I said "Well then" and went to stand up.

"You really think you can get by with just that?"

"I mean, I'm full enough."

For some reason, Fujinami-san stared intently at my face as I answered.

"Um... I hope this isn't rude to ask, but are you getting enough sleep?"

"Huh, of course I am."

"You have bags under your eyes."

I rubbed around my eyes. It's hard to believe that just cutting back on sleep for a few days could show that much, but her comment did make me a bit concerned. I think I'll be fine, though.

I wanted to get back to my room ASAP and resume studying. I felt particularly productive today.

"Alright. I'll be careful. See you," I said, standing up with my tray.

"Where are you going with that?"

"Oh, right. This isn't a school cafeteria, is it?"

We were allowed to leave our trays on the table when we were finished eating here. I forgot.

I left the tray on the table and was about to leave when Fujinami-san spoke up again. 

"Asamura-san, do you happen to have an English dictionary with you?"

"Huh? Ah, yeah, I did bring one just in case."

"Could I borrow it later? I need it for a bit of prep."

"Sure, no problem. I can bring it to you now if you want."

"No, later is fine. I don't want to trouble you with something so small. Coming to your room shouldn't be a problem if it's just for something like borrowing a dictionary."

Men's and women's floors in the hotel were separated, but apparently borrowing things was allowed if you told them the reason.

I gave her my room number, making a mental note to get the dictionary out.

"Alright then, good night."

"...Yeah. See you."

I stood up from my seat, thinking her response had been unusually hesitant for her. 

As I left, I realized it'd been a while since I'd had a real conversation with her, despite being in the same dorm and seeing her around from time to time. It'd been several days since I talked to anyone, for that matter. I hadn't even called Ayase-san; we just exchanged short messages.

"I want to hear her voice."

I was surprised by my own words. 

No, I shouldn't have the luxury to think like that. I should focus on studying, every minute counts.

It was just past 8 pm, meaning I had at least two more hours to study. Back in my room, I opened my math workbook.

***

A ding from my phone broke my concentration.

Glancing at the pop-up that flashed up, it seemed to be from Ayase-san.

Weird, she usually messages just before bed, but it's not time yet. 

Has something happened? I was about to reach for my phone when I heard a soft knock on the door.

…Who could it be?

I peered through the peephole suspiciously, and saw Fujinami-san standing there.

I hurriedly opened the door. Oh, right, she mentioned wanting to borrow a dictionary. Uhm…

"Sorry, I'll grab the dictionary right now."

"No, rather than that, may I come in for a bit?"

"Oh, sure. I don't mind."

"Thanks. Standing in the hallway for too long might draw suspicion. I appreciate it," she said as entered the cramped room.

"You needed the English dictionary, right? Just a sec—"

"Oh, no rush. It was just an excuse, anyway."

Come again?

"An excuse for what?"

"I was hoping we could talk a little. Normally, I try to stay out of other people's business as much as possible, but we're not exactly strangers to each other, right?" Fujinami-san said as she came closer and peered into my face. 

"Ah… this is terrible."

"What is?"

"You look terrible. How many days have you not slept?

"No, I have slept."

"Today?"

"Two hours."

"And yesterday?"

"…Two hours, no, maybe three."

"I'm appalled. That's hardly sleeping."

Fujinami-san let out a deep sigh, placing a hand on her forehead and shaking her head.

I couldn't understand why she was so exasperated. I really wasn't feeling sleepy. Not during lectures either.

"But I'm not feeling sleepy."

"So, it's not that you're not sleeping, you can't sleep."

"I feel good. It's rare for me to be able to concentrate on studying this much."

"Oh really? Then that must mean your mock exam scores have gotten better. We haven't gotten the results back yet, but you've done a self-assessment, I presume?"

"Well…"

That forced me into silence. 

It was the second mock exam during the camp, but judging from my self-scoring, yesterday's test was probably my worst one yet. I completely blanked on the formulas I thought I knew, and I screwed up the timing, leaving half the questions unsolved.

"Sigh. Well, you probably don't want to hear this, but—"

"Ah, no, uh… feel free to take a seat if you want."

Seeing Fujinami-san looking like she had more to say, I offered her the chair I'd been sitting in.

But she replied, "I don't plan on staying long, so I'll stay like this," and remained standing in front of me.

"So, why are you in such a rush?"

"Huh?"

Me, in a rush?

"Your goal is Ichise University, right? It's definitely competitive, but in your current state, have you really fully grasped what you've learned? You might be more efficient if you relaxed a bit more."

"But I have to do this much to catch up with everyone else, no, to get ahead of them."

"Everyone else… you mean the people at this study camp?"

I nodded.

"High schoolers who attend camps like this are the cream of the crop. It's understandable if you can't beat them easily. Is there really any point in comparing yourself to them?"

"There is a point. Because exams are competitive, it's only natural to compare yourself. Plus, if I can't beat people at this level, I won't get into Ichise."

I didn't think everyone here was a rival for getting into Ichise, but it was clear that the level of competition was high.

"I see. Let me ask it a different way then. Why do you want to get into Ichise?"

"Huh, because—"

"What faculty do you want to get into? How does it relate to the career you want to pursue? Is there any reason it has to be Ichise?"

"Th-that's… there might not be any... particular reason."

"That's why I'm baffled. If there's no specific reason, you don't necessarily have to go to Ichise. So, why the rush?"

She directed a scrutinizing gaze down at me. We stared at each other in silence, and I was the first to look away.

"You're right… There's no reason it has to be Ichise. But, there's someone… I want to live with in the future."

Fujinami-san nodded along to the last part.

"Ah, the person you talked about before. Got it, so she's someone you're seriously considering a future with. That's pretty rare these days."

"Is it?"

"I think so. Not many high school students think that far into the future."

"Future…"

"Yes, It's far off, isn't it? Nowadays with everyone marrying later, isn't the time for teenagers to think about marriage practically as far off as eternity?"

That's a strangely poetic way of putting it.

"Also, you're planning to continue studying, right? What about your girlfriend?"

"She wants to go to uni too."

"In that case, unless you have a shotgun wedding, it'll probably be after graduation. So like, four or five years from now. Ah, but if it's just about living together, that might be possible right away."

We're already living together… but no, that's not what this is about.

"It's not about the living arrangement."

"I was just ribbing you. I get it. You mean you want to get married."

"Ma—"

The word "marriage" still felt far too abstract for me. Just trying to say it out loud made my heart race.

"Well, some people don't care about making it official. But you seem conservative in that way, Asamura-san, so if you say you want to live with someone, it means you want to marry them, correct?"

"Well, yeah… I guess."

I hadn't thought about it in such specific terms before. But there is someone I want to support. I think our trust in each other is strong now, but feelings don't last forever. 

Who knows what could happen as time goes on? Even Shinjo stopped liking Ayase-san romantically in just six months.

To continue earning her trust, I needed to aim higher. To be worthy of her and to support her, I wanted to go to a better university and secure a better job. 

I shared my honest feelings.

Fujinami-san listened silently until I was finished. 

"If I don't do that, I feel like I won't be worthy of her."

"...Worthy?"

I blinked at the sight of Fujinami-san tilting her head, feeling a sense of déjà vu.

"Is being unworthy unacceptable? Ah, wait. I feel like we've had this conversation before…"

She looked up at the ceiling for a moment before returning her gaze to me.

"I remember now. You said something similar on the first day of the camp. It was when I asked why you were aiming for Ichise. You said it was 'embarrassing' because your motivation was only half of mine."

"I did say that... but..."

"Why did you feel the need to compare yourself to me?"

"No, because…"

Fujinami-san, who'd been staring at me intently, nodded as if she'd realized something.

"I see, so your self-esteem is low."

She threw me for a loop.

"Self-esteem is the sense of affirming one's own existence, right?"

"In rough terms, yes."

"Being told it's low is kind of…"

Honestly, I didn't fully grasp what she meant.

As I tilted my head in confusion, she began to explain.

"It's about whether you can believe someone would love you even if you're a worthless piece of trash and have nothing to offer. 'Worthless' can be replaced with 'poor' or 'cowardly' or any negative word, really. It's about accepting yourself as you are."

"Accepting myself as I am…"

"It's about whether you can view yourself objectively. That's the first step. Can you do that? And can you affirm that?"

I was stumped.

Seeing things objectively, without bias, was something I'd always tried to do.

At the very least, I thought I made an effort not to judge others unfairly.

But what about when it came to myself?

"Asamura-san, I think you've got a skewed view of yourself. I've always thought you were the type to have low self-esteem."

"Low self-esteem… My friends have mentioned that before, too."

"Figured as much. I mean, looking humble can be socially advantageous, but when we first met, you said you weren't that great, and you didn't really compare yourself to others that much, did you?"

"You think so?"

"Because even though you were going to cram school, you were the kind of person who'd still join me for late-night walks around the streets of Shibuya. It never seemed like you were freaking out because you thought everyone else was beating you. Basically, you weren't stressing out about comparing yourself to others."

I clenched my jaw and groaned.

True, I'd been trailing behind Maru and Narasaka-san on the regular exams, but I wasn't exactly scrambling to rack up more study hours because of it.

Looking back, I don't remember ever comparing myself to others and feeling down about myself. Though it wasn't always like that, by the time I entered high school, I'd developed a mindset of "others are others, I am me."

Truthfully, I had to; otherwise, after failing both elementary and junior high school entrance exams, I would've drowned in my own rock-bottom self-esteem. 

Making "seeing the world objectively" my motto was largely influenced by the diverse novels I read, where weaknesses turn into strengths and dire situations flip to entertaining outcomes.

So, had I lost the ability to view things objectively?

"When I showed you around Shibuya at night last year, I intended to show you a world where even the so-called losers have a right to live."

"I think that's obvious. After all, people's evaluations change depending on the criteria, and it's not that you deserve to live because your life has value, but rather, living itself is valuable, so everyone who is alive deserves to live—right?"

I was struck by my own words as they left my lips.

Then why am I suddenly panicking about my low self-esteem?

"You try to view others objectively, Asamura-san. But the way you see yourself is distorted. Your self-esteem is too low. I don't know why."

"It's because…"

I had an inkling why. My low self-esteem stemmed from my past grades, which only served to make my biological mother angry. I did so badly that I felt like I didn't deserve her love anymore. I felt like my value was so low that I deserved to lose her affection.

"Isn't that what's dragging down your self-esteem now, and continuing to lower your self-confidence?"

I was speechless.

"But…" 

But that doesn't mean I can be content with the status quo; I won't be able to catch up to Ayase-san that way.

"Still with the 'but'?"

Sighing, Fujinami-san did something unexpected. She stepped closer, reached out, and pushed hard on my chest. Sitting on a bed without a headboard, I helplessly fell backward.

My arms flailed in the air as she grabbed my wrists, clasped them together as if handcuffing me, then bent them so my own wrists were pressed against my chest. It was like I was in a praying position, but the situation was more akin to—

"In a cop drama, this would be where they shout, 'Suspect secured!'" she said with a grin. 

Leaning over, her refined face loomed closer to mine. I could see the fire alarm on the room's ceiling just past her face. Her breath almost touched me as she spoke. 

"Now you can't study even if you want to."

"No way, you're just kidding, right?"

"Just listen. I know doing this is meaningless, but I want you to imagine something for a moment," she said as she tightened her grip on my bound wrists. 

Ow, ow, ow. Not only was Fujinami-san taller than me, but she also seemed to have decent strength and grip too. True to her word, I was effectively detained.

"Imagine what…?"

"I mean, how would you feel if the person unpleasantly disrupting your studies was someone important to you?"

Did she mean if Ayase-san was in her place right now?

"I don't think Ayase-san would do something like this."

"Ah, so that's her name… if this Ayase-san girl were to—"

"No, that's her last name."

"Huh?"

Fujinami-san's face went blank and she released her grip—probably unintentionally.

Rubbing my wrists, I sat up.

"Her first name is Saki. Well, I guess that's not really the issue here though…"

"...You're calling the person you want to marry by their last name?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"...Really? You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

"...She doesn't get angry?"

"She calls me by my last name too."

At home, we call each other Yuuta-niisan and Saki, but since students spend less time at home, we probably end up calling each other "Ayase-san" and "Asamura-kun" more often. In my head, I still call her "Ayase-san."

Fujinami-san sighed for the umpteenth time today, the biggest one yet.

"I've been told never to meddle in other people's love lives, and I don't want to say this, but what exactly are you two doing? That doesn't sound like the behavior of a man and a woman considering marriage. Don't tell me you haven't even kissed yet."

"Of course we have."

"Anything beyond that?"

"...Do I really have to say?"

"No, it's fine. I can guess from your answer. But back to the earlier point…"

Fujinami-san stepped away from me. 

"What if she's the one who gets in the way of your studying?"

I gave it serious thought.

First of all, she probably wouldn't do something like that, but if Ayase-san burst into my room and tried to forcibly interrupt my studies… I mean, it doesn't have to be physically restraining me; it could be as simple as taking away my pencil or tossing my textbook aside.

"I'd think she had her reasons and listen to what she has to say."

"Well, given your reaction to me just now, saying 'you're just kidding, right?' and not getting angry, I guess I can see that. Maybe I was too gentle. What if she slapped you across the face?"

"I'd do the same. I'd think she had her reasons and hear her out."

"But if a stranger did that, you'd be angry, right?"

"Obviously."

Though I'd be more shocked than angry if someone randomly slapped me while I was walking down the street.

"Alright so, you wouldn't get angry at her. Meaning, you wouldn't hate her for it. Then, say you did something she doesn't like, why would she start hating you? Why do you think she'd hold it against you?"

"Uh…"

I honestly didn't know how to respond. I'd never thought about it like that.

"Say you studied so hard you collapsed and couldn't take the exams, or got sick and failed. Would she be the kind of girlfriend who would get angry without even asking about the circumstances?"

"That's…"

I wanted to say "different," but I hesitated for a moment. I suddenly wasn't sure.

I'd tried my best during the elementary and junior high school entrance exams—or so I thought at the time. I hoped passing would make my biological mother happy. I wanted to please her. 

But the reality was my efforts weren't enough. As exam day approached, I lost my appetite, couldn't sleep properly, and remember taking the exam feeling pretty dizzy. My old man told me it'd be pointless if I ruined my health, but I was too scared to rest.

I failed the exams.

I lost my mother's love.

When I failed the junior high entrance exam, she looked at me with, "not again" expression, let out a very big sigh, shook her head, and said she didn't want to see my face before sending me to my room. 

Some time later, the divorce was finalized, and my mother left.

I learned that to receive love from others, I had to show results that met their expectations. I became keenly aware of that. I hated being expected to do well, so I stopped getting close to other people.

"Can't answer? Then think about someone other than her… like your friends or parents."

"Friends…"

Take Maru. For whatever reason, he thinks highly of me, so he'd probably just ask, "What happened?" and worry about me. As for my old man... he'd probably say, "If you did your best like before, it can't be helped. Don't worry about it."

At the very least Maru and my old man would probably ask me the reason if they saw me acting differently than usual.

"If you can imagine someone who wouldn't get angry at you, but would actually support you for who you are right no, it shows you've got some self-esteem. If you can't think of anyone, that probably means you're really hard on yourself. How 'bout it? Can you think of anyone?"

"Well... a few."

"That's good. Better than none. For me, it was zero."

I was speechless.

But then, it dawned on me that Fujinami-san had been rejected by her own family.

"No one ever told me it was okay for me to be alive. When I was taken in by my current foster parents, I was completely broken. I was a twisted child with a terrible glare in my eyes. I had bad skin, and I swore a lot. I hated being photographed next to the other kids in class. I couldn't imagine that someone could ever love me in that state."

She took a breath before continuing. 

"And what did my foster mother, who took me in, say to console me? She just cut straight to the point and said, 'Don't expect anyone to love you'—just like that."

It was right after she'd been taken in. The woman who took her in, a formidable figure in Shibuya's backstreets, had said, "This city is heartless, so don't expect anyone to love you." 

She said it in a tone that didn't sugarcoat the harsh realities of the world to a then-junior high schooler.

"If you let your heart be shaken by others, you won't survive here. It's useless to rely on love from others. Don't even expect it. If you really want love, just love yourself—and that's enough."

And so, Fujinami-san stopped expecting anything from others.

"Don't you think deciding your actions based on how you're viewed by others means handing over the reins of your life to them? Until junior high, I also tried hard to meet others' expectations. Unfortunately, that led me to leave home."

We're the same.

We both struggled trying to meet other people's expectations, even though we might have struggled to different extents.

"Once I started thinking my actions were just for myself, it made things easier. Since it's all for my own sake, I don't need to worry about what others think of the outcome. And that means I can lecture someone not much younger than me, like yourself, without worrying about whether you'll hate me for it."

For someone else.

For a stranger.

For others.

For family.

For a lover.

"You might want to stop thinking that way. At least, it's because of that mindset you're stuck in a rut now. If the person you're with hates and rejects the results of you living for yourself, then what's the value of being with someone like that?"

"I'm not with her because there's value in being together," I blurted out. 

Fujinami-san grunted and clamped her mouth shut. 

I got what she was saying, but—

"I mean… I understand what you're trying to say, but trying to meet someone's expectations and working hard isn't necessarily a bad thing."

I can't just brush it off like she does.

Maybe it's because I still remember—

The joy on my old man's face when I passed the entrance exam for Suisei High.

The way Ayase-san's face lit up when I rushed toward her when she was waiting for me at Palawan Beach.

The expressions of those happy to see their expectations met were still vivid in my mind.

"It's your life."

"It's because it's my life. It'd be boring to live just for yourself, wouldn't it?"

We both paused, searching for what to say next. 

Just then, my phone made a stupid blip sound, notifying me that I had a message.

I glanced over and saw Ayase's name on the pop-up. Oh right, there was another notification just before Fujinami-san arrived. She must be worried since I hadn't replied.

"You can check it."

I silently picked up my phone.

"A link to a video…?"

It seemed to link to a video sharing site. But what did she want to show me? 

Saki: [I recommend this.]

"If it's from your girlfriend, go ahead. Don't mind me, whether you want to talk or reply to her. I'm leaving—"

"Ah, no, it's probably nothing important."

I tapped on the video. Soft music flowed out, resembling rain sounds—a bit crackly.

"Lo-Fi Hip-Hop?"

"I told her it's good for studying... But this is..."

The song had an easy flow to it, with a relaxed melody line and not too many notes. I'm not sure if this is the right comparison, but it felt like you were listening to classical music.

What was her intention? I looked at the message from before. 

"'I found a charm for a good night's sleep. I know you're working hard, but don't push yourself too much'...huh."

The nostalgic tune flowed from my phone and drifted around the room. The sound entered my eardrums and seemed to seep into my being, before vanishing. 

Closing my eyes, I pictured Ayase-san's smiling face.

I opened them again.

I finally felt like I could look at Fujinami-san's face calmly. I realized, albeit belatedly, she had the same concerned expression as Maru, Ayase-san, and my old man when they say, "Don't push yourself."

"Thanks for the valuable advice. It's helped me cool my head."

"Oh really? Well it's not like I did it for you. I just came to say what I wanted."

It was pretty obvious Fujinami-san just wanted to say something because she saw a friend looking terrible. But maybe she'd felt similar pain in the past, or it reminded her of her own past experiences.

"Hand it over then."

She extended her hand. 

"Huh?"

"The dictionary. The English one. I need an alibi."

"I thought it was just an excuse?"

"Even lies need to be believable. Neglecting to provide evidence removes credibility. I don't want to be accused of sneaking into a boy's room late at night."

Nodding, I handed over the English dictionary, and she said, "I'll return it tomorrow" before leaving.

I whispered a quiet "thank you" as her figure disappeared out of view.

Left alone in the room, I sat on the bed and continued to play Ayase-san's video on loop.

Fujinami-san's words had hit home.

I don't think wanting to meet Ayase-san's expectations is wrong, but thinking she'd hate me if I failed was just my own assumption.

Ayase-san's different from my biological mother. People are different. More than wanting to meet others' expectations, the real issue is not really thinking through what I was actually aiming for by taking the exams.

I reflected on what Fujinami-san said about living for yourself. While I do think that's a lonely way to live, first I had to work hard for myself. That should've come before anything else.

"Maybe I was too hasty…" I muttered, staring up at the ceiling.

The lullaby-like music from my phone eventually lulled me to sleep.

On the other side of a dreamless sleep, I saw the smiling face of the girl I couldn't meet right now.