Please, Save Yourself

KOSEM remembered her life in the modern era. Clara Kosuma always felt the weight of being different. Being Jewish in America, the land of dreams, became Clara's brand of hell. No matter where she went, people would whisper behind her back. For an orphan child, it gave her an idea that if she would simply shut her ears and eyes and pretend as if she was the only one existing in the world, then everything would be better, or so she thought.

The whispers turned into a shove. When she did not complain about the growing abuse in the local high school she was studying, it became a ticket for all her bullies to torment her more.

That was when Clara's vicious cycle of shutting herself from the world began. She raised and collected merits even though it was very difficult because of who she was and limited opportunities with little room for margin for mistakes. That was how Clara grew up.

Through the years Clara became a big lie, her existence existed for one sole purpose and that was to prove to the people that she was worthy to be recognized. She wanted to erase the existence of Clara, the Jewish Stone Woman, who was incapable of human emotions.

But her torment did not begin from the moment she was born as she foolishly believed. She once thought that if she was born in a different circumstance then maybe she would be lucky, but no.

As the memories of her previous life returned to her, she understood that she was never meant to feel emotions like happiness or the feeling of being content. Kosem remembered her first life as Kosem.

"It was raining and dark and cold," Kosem muttered upon remembering her last day on Earth as Kosem from her first life.

THE PAST FLASHBACK…

FIRM LARGE HAND grasped her dainty ones. The heavy downpour of the rain muted the pair of labored breathing together with the snapping of the twigs that disturbed the serene night of the Oak forest that the two silhouettes just entered. "Kosem!" A trembling deep voice stood out amidst the storm – afraid of the sight that welcomed him the moment he spun around when he felt her small hand vanish from his hold.

Closing the distance between them, Sultan Hazeyn Suleiman carried Kosem gently from the muddy ground. "I will carry you. So please, please hold on."

Kosem – even being drenched by the onslaught of rain, could still feel the tears from the man who left everything for her. He was here kneeling on the mud at the center of the storm because she dared to fall in love with Sultan Hazeyn Suleiman.

She hated it. Kosem hated dragging him down. In one swift move, Zeyn carried her on his back. The sound of brazen footsteps alerted them to why they were on the run in the first place. "Just leave me be, Zeyn. If you surrender, I am sure that they will accept you. You are their beloved Sultan, after all." Kosem mumbled while being carried by Zeyn. She could feel the trickling blood from his neck after the second strike of the Janissaries, the elite battle group of the Ottoman Empire. Kosem, on the other hand, felt her body getting numb. Minutes ago, she could still feel the blood pouring from her wound that had been pierced by an arrow.

"Shut it, Kosem! I don't want to hear you saying that." His voice trembled again – the contrast to Kosem's calm voice. "Is the bandage still tight? Should I wrap it back tightly?"

Kosem shook her head as an answer. She was too tired to answer and the bandage which was Zeyn's torn clothes was long discarded from their frantic leaps as they ran earlier and she got no heart to tell him that.

But people called Zeyn the magnificent Sultan for a reason, his body tensed when Kosem refused to reply with words. "Kosem? My beloved Tulip? Hey, come on. You hate being called Tulip, right? Punch me like you usually do. Nag me like a mother hen. Anything, just don't be quiet. I can't take it – you being quiet."

Kosem wanted to tell him that she hated seeing him cry over her. She wanted to apologize for being helpless. Leaning her head on his sturdy back was the only thing that Kosem could do. The pain of being helpless spread like toxic through her as she recalled that ever since Zeyn met her, he only faced hardships. Kosem hated being called 'Tulip' for that reason. For her, she felt more like the flower, Ivy, than a 'Tulip' for Zeyn.

The heavy rainfall drenched them for over an hour but Kosem stopped feeling cold. Her numbness started from her fingertips to her limbs as her arms limped around Zeyn's neck. The only thing supporting her from falling back was Zeyn's arms that supported her thighs as if he was carrying a lump of a sack.

The only reassurance Zeyn had was her faint heartbeat that he could feel on his back as she leaned to him and the warm yet gentle blow of her breaths on his soaked back. For Zeyn, the kingdom was not everything for him – it was the woman on his back.

Kosem fought the urge to sleep. Scared to not wake up again, she refused to surrender to the tempting promise of eternal sleep. So with everything she got, Kosem blurted out the words she wanted to tell him. "I love Zeyn's eyes. They are like my favorite jewels. No, I like that jewel because they looked like Zeyn's eyes."

Zeyn felt both relief and dread when Kosem started talking as he ran towards the church. Relief because she was still responding to him. And dread because the way Kosem talked, it was as if she was remembering the good things between them – and he hated that. Humoring her to coax her to talk more, Zeyn replied. "Then I will give you my eyes. I will give you anything, Kosem. I will gauge my eyes for you if that's what you desire."

Kosem smiled faintly at Zeyn's remark. He never failed to make her smile from his weird antics. She was proud that only Kosem could see this side of him. "I am so sorry, Zeyn. I am sorry because your love for me made you sacrifice so much. I don't deserve that. I am sorry but I love you so much. I have no right to love you but I am selfish. I am sorry for being selfish." Her words started to slur as she did her best to say those words that she meant. Kosem knew that she was many things – a coward, selfish, weak. And she was sorry because, despite that, she kept his love knowing this would happen. "If I live again, I want to rectify everything."

I don't want to die and leave you alone – Kosem thought before she succumbed to eternal sleep.

The moment that Kosem drew her last breath, her head fell like a lifeless doll. Though he could feel her faint heartbeat, the warm breath she emitted was now gone.

"Tulip? Kosem? Hey, Kosem, this is not a funny joke." The tremble dripping from his voice doubled. Large tears washed the remnants of the rain as the great Sultan wept as he carried Kosem to the church – where they were supposed to be wedded.

Though Kosem died at that moment, her soul watched Zeyn. Devoid of any earthly emotion, her heart ached for the man she abandoned unintentionally. Though Kosem lived a humble life free from hate and greed, at that moment, she felt the greed to live for him as she watched him cry like a child. Gone was the mighty Sultan Hazeyn Suleiman replaced by a broken man who kept running amidst the storm with a corpse on his back.

The Janissaries within twenty meters radius from the running Zeyn, arrows rained upon him. A blade pierced his right leg while two arrows struck upon his back – this happened because he used his body to shield Kosem's body. In a split second, just before the arrows could pierce her back, Zeyn flipped Kosem gently yet softly to the ground as he shielded her body using his.

"I can see movements over here!" One of the Janissaries informed him me which made Zeyn carry Kosem's body like a princess. Hundreds of footsteps splashed onto the muddy Oak forest floor. Zeyn gritted his teeth, swallowing the pain from his growing wounds. Blood mixed with sweat and raindrops washed the limping Zeyn as he cradled the corpse of Kosem – whom he strongly denied being dead. "I'll get you out of here, Kosem. They don't deserve to touch you, no. No one will disrespect you anymore. You are my queen and you deserve to be remembered for all eternity."

Kosem covered her mouth as she sobbed, watching Zeyn struggle as he carried her. Even though she was already a lump of a corpse she hated how he loved her. She wanted to scream at him to run and leave her body. Kosem, though dead, was still a liability for Zeyn – and she watched him suffer for a corpse not worth protecting.

Please save yourself, Zeyn. Forget about me, I beg of you. Please, save yourself. – Kosem plead in anguish but her words never reached him.

FLASHBACK TO BE CONTINUED…