29: Mass

A leak of light slipped through the stained glass rose window of the chapel and lit up the long black casket. Rows upon rows of mahogany pews and black dressed people seated. I took in the dark warm atmosphere as I tried to become accustomed to a setting that I never wanted to see.

I watched the door as people filed in, filling the rows of the pews.

I see a tall girl bring a bundle of roses and walk directly to the casket leaving them among the rest of the offerings and blessings. As she turns around, her tears and runny mascara are visible.

She took a seat with Emma's family, and Mrs. Jones put her arm over her shoulder.

I felt time pass as I stared at the colored glass on the wall. Ogling at the refractions of light beaming onto the floor. Colors reflected on the slabs, bringing life to the otherwise lifeless room.

More and more people fled into the room as their heads hung slightly low.

I hate this.

How pathetic am I?

I came all this way knowing the path I was going to walk, and yet I still feel like I could change fate.

She didn't deserve this.

I should be there, and here I sit. In the back of the chapel crying silently as I think about what I could've done to prevent her death.

I heard a few footsteps coming up behind me, and then a hand landed on my shoulder.

"Cheer up, okay?"

"Hm?"

I turned and saw Hailey bent down with her head over my shoulder.

"It… it wasn't… Nate… It's not your fault."

"O-of course not… I didn't say it was."

"Nate, you know there's nothing you could've done about it. It was going to hap–"

"Don't you dare say it had to happen!" I yelled at her and the chapel went silent as my voice echoed through and peoples heads turned toward me.

"..."

"Sorry…"

"It's fine Nate. You're in a tough time right now, just be easy on yourself, okay?"

"Y-yeah…"

As I heard the sound of her high heels hitting the floor of the chapel as she walked away, I returned to my mourning pose.

Hollowed.

Tired.

Terrified.

"I feel so horrible. All the time. It felt like… if only I had done this… or if only I had been there… maybe… I don't know, maybe she wouldn't have decided to do this surgery without talking to me."

She turned around.

"Is it just me, Hailey?!"

She started to break into tears and sat down next to me.

"No…" She sniffled, "No, it's not just you."

I put my arm over her shoulder and I tried to help soothe her to calm her down.

"Well… Nate, good luck on the, uh, your speech."

"Y-yeah… thanks. Love you."

"Love you too, tell me if you see Marc."

I'm glad they have each other through all of this.

I wish I had someone.

"G-got it."

A while passed before the actual service started. First the pastor came up to talk, and then a few people who I never met. After them, her mom came up and she was like a gothic painting. She looked so empty… so depressed… so much like me.

"Thank you… everyone, for joining us here today. I'm incredibly glad to see how many people Emma left an impact on during her 18 years of life." A few scattered claps ran through the mass of people and then she continued, "As a mother, I am deeply shaken by Emma's passing. I'm torn. I feel as though I have lost a literal piece of me. I cry in silence and every single day since the accident has been like hell on earth… Not being able to see her smile– her bright, beautiful smile… It hurts. I… I don't want you all to… pity me. I just want you to understand exactly how her passing hit me. I have talked to a few of her friend's since that day and a-all of them have felt the same way. Emma was such a kind, loving, sweet, funny, amazing and brilliant person. She impacted everyone she met. She did something I never could do… she was able to become happy. In a–" She held back tears and wiped a few stragglers from her eyes before continuing. "In a way… it feels like she is up in heaven smiling down at me— at all of us. She is telling us to keep going. To keep living. I admit… I didn't have… the closest relationship with my daughter." She wiped her eyes again and sniffled as she tried not to ruin her makeup. "I– I wonder… what would have happened had I tried to stop her from getting the surgery. Would she have still died? Would she have lived a long life? Then again… I doubt she would've listened anyway. Emma was a free spirit. She was a spirit that was guided by her heart, not someone that was pushed around and did whatever she was told. She was a happy human. She was someone that throughout their entire life, spread positivity and kindness wherever she went. She helped others. She loved others. She was someone we should all aspire to be like. Emma wasn't perfect, but she was pretty damn close, and I think all of us knew that. So, as we put her to rest today… I'd like to invite her boyfriend up to talk before we close the casket."

Emma's mother gestured her hand toward me and I helped comfort her as she walked away from the podium.

I felt everyone in the room's eyes narrow in on me as the walls crept in slowly. I was trapped. I was in a prison of my own making.

I got up and slowly made my way down the aisle like a bride on her wedding day. Slowly. Carefully. Nervously.

Badump.

Badump.

Badump.

My heart was beating out of my chest. It felt as though I had been stabbed with adrenaline. So much that it overwhelmed my body.

When I finally reached the podium, I leaned forward and grabbed the microphone. I remember exactly what I said.

"H-hello everyone. I am Nick Nate James. I was Emma's boyfriend… I, and a lot of you, loved Emma. I… I loved her… more than anything… more than anyone else, more than anything else, more than even myself. I loved Emma. She was the best thing to ever happen to me. She was the sun on my rainy day. She was the towel after I spilled a cup of water. She was there for me– always! And I know she was there for you all too! Emma… Emma spent every day helping and being there for others. I think she never got to be there for herself. Her mother said she was happy… and as I would like to believe that was true… but I cannot fully say she was. There were times when… Emma… There were times when I would see Emma and she looked so empty. So drained. She was like a candy store. She gave everyone else candy, happiness, but a candy shop itself never gets to enjoy the candy. I think that Emma felt that way. Always helping others– always making everyone else happy! But… but who was there for Emma?!"

I took a pause and looked at the crowd as I took the microphone away from the podium and took a few steps toward them.

"Who… was there… for Emma? That's a question that I've wondered every single damn day. Every single agonizing painful day. Emma… she didn't commit suicide… she didn't try to kill herself… but in signing up for that surgery and not telling anyone… She knew what she was doing. She knew that I might try to stop her. She knew any of us would have told her it wasn't worth the risk. But she did it anyway. She… did… it… anyway. When I look back at the time I spent with Emma… the year… I think… I think it was something that was an amazing time. But even as her boyfriend– someone who is supposed to love her and be there for her and care for her more than anyone else– I didn't see it. I didn't see that she might have been in pain. I didn't see that she was struggling beyond her condition. I always wondered why it was that when we were together… all it seemed she ever wanted from me was to be held. She wanted someone to care for her. Someone to hold her. Someone to love her. Now, I am not saying that the cure to her issues would have been love, but it damn would've helped. I always fulfilled her requests. Always! If she wanted a hug, I'd give it. If she wanted a kiss, I was right there. But when I look back with hindsight… I never was able to tell her my true feelings. I never took the offensive in the relationship. I never went out of my way to hold her. I was a terrible boyfriend. I was a glorified best friend. I was a fraud…"

I wiped a few tears that were leaking from my right eye.

"I… was a fraud. A great big phony. And it doesn't matter what my friends say. What my therapist says. None of it matters. I failed her. I killed Emma… we all killed Emma. If we had been there to help her and change her mind… she wouldn't have died. We would be out on a mountain trip… together! We would—"

My knees buckled and I dropped to the ground in between the two front pews. I wept… I cried and cried and cried and finally pulled myself back together.

"We would be together… not just me and Emma. But you… every single one of you. You'd all still have Emma. We failed her. But even in failing her… it's not our fault. We cannot blame ourselves… We have to keep living. I keep hearing people tell me things like :'Keep living.' or 'Move forward with life.' But it's bullshit! I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I can self indulge every once in a while. I can be allowed to FEEL THINGS! Do you wanna know how long it has been since I cried until a few days ago? Six months. Six long painful months. I didn't even cry when I got the news. I was too sad to cry. I was too sad to do anything… I was disgusting. I laid on the floor in my own filth… unable to eat, unable to shower, and unable to cry. I just laid there. Lifeless… emotionless… dying. Trying to get to Emma. I wanted to die so badly. But no matter how hard I tried… I couldn't. I believe in a higher power. Whether that be god, fate, or destiny. I believe that there is more in life than just waiting. Just sitting and fucking waiting day after day. It isn't a life. That isn't life. Emma didn't die for that. Emma didn't leave us with nothing. She left us with happiness. Even in death, I can still feel the warm embrace of her smile. I know she is still watching me. She is still waiting. Time passes fast in heaven, so she is just waiting for the day I get up there too… I know it! So… I know this got really side tracked but… I just wanted to say… no matter how guilty you feel for her death, or no matter how hard you got hit by it… you will get something better in the future. Whether that be closure, happiness, or even just simply love. You will get something. And Emma helped pave the way for us to get there. She cared about us. All of us. She loved us. And I loved her. I love Emma… even to this day. So before she starts to fade, I am going to fulfill our promise. I'm going to go to the mountains for her. I'm gonna look at the stars. I'm going to live."

I placed the microphone in the stand and walked back to my seat as everyone silently watched me walk back to my chair and then watch me sit.

No claps.

No chatter.

Not even a cough.

Silence.

No one knew what to say.

There was only one thing I knew.

I knew I loved Emma… and that's the best I can do.

I leaned back in my chair and felt a hand on my shoulder.

This time it wasn't Hailey… I recognized that scent.

I looked at the hand on my shoulder and saw it was composed of light.

I fully turned around, and there she was.

I saw Emma.

I was going to see Emma one last time.