No Clowning Around

Liz Allen and Harry Osborn could only sit and watch in horror at the ghastly show taking place on the stage before them: animated puppets viciously beating each other with spiked clubs, with blood flying everywhere; toy scarecrows screaming in agony as they were set on fire by cackling dolls painted to look like witches; jack in the boxes popping open to display leering human skulls; mannequins of superheroes such as Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, Moon Knight, and Daredevil being hung and impaled by insanely giggling masked teddy bears; and the horrific master of ceremonies, the Brothers Grimm, who hung upside down from a toy swing that dangled from a toy cloud, juggling what looked disconcertingly like human bones.

Liz and Harry were among the Brothers' kidnap victims, people abducted by the strange things the Brothers seemed to be able to conjure, put in a captive audience and forced to watch the hideous performance, after which the Brothers expected "payment" in the form of all the money his victims had on them. Briefly glancing around, Liz and Harry could see that most of the other people in the audience were horrified, sickened, nauseated and frightened, to varying degrees in each. Like the rest of the Brothers' victims, Liz and Harry felt much the same way. Held in place by the Brothers' winged monkey servants, and trapped within a large ring of thorn bushes several meters high, there was no way to escape.

"What do you think?" the Brothers grinned beneath his skull-faced mask. "Remember, I need feedback-a good performer always tailors his act in response to what the audience tells him. Come on…please?" he finished, speaking in his assertive 'Barton' voice.

"Please, please, please don't make him angry," the Brothers suddenly whimpered in his childlike 'Percy' tone. "You wouldn't like Barton when he's angry."

SPIDER-WOMAN #4

"NO CLOWNING AROUND"

As she swung through the city, following the insistent feeling that led her towards Central Park, Spider-Woman was left wondering just why she was developing these emotions.

It's part of my…'gifts', I suppose, she thought caustically as she came towards Central Park. A hell of a lot of good it did when those rejects from the Wizard of Oz attacked Harry and Liz…she finished bitterly.

Coming down into the park, she knew full well that the large ring of thorn bushes should not be there, especially in the dead of winter. The screams, cries and music coming from within the ring were even more of a giveaway.

"Could this be any more obvious?" she muttered to no one in particular, before she realized that was exactly the point-it was too obvious. Her first instinct had been to blow a hole in the side of the thorn bushes and make her way in, but she paused now, realizing that she needed a better view of what was going on inside, to figure out a way to save Harry, Liz and the other people those monkeys had kidnapped before doing anything else.

Climbing a tree with her spiderlike agility, Spider-Woman saw the twisted scene within the ring of thorn bushes, and the two dozen monkeys hovering threateningly over the audience members.

Her eyes narrowed as she began to think.

His nerves on edge, Harry could no longer bear looking at the Brothers Grimm's demented performance, and averted his eyes. Immediately, the winged monkey nearest him raised its fist to strike at him, beating him until he went back to watch, until the creature started in shock, even as the Brothers Grimm screamed out in pain and crashed to the ground as an electric blast struck him, almost out of nowhere, it seemed…

As Harry looked up, he saw the winged monkeys taking to the air, howling in surprise. Before the creatures could do anything, they were suddenly entangled in a mess of…spider webbing?, by a figure swinging into the ring of thorns from overhead. The figure released a long stream of webbing from one of its hands, using the other to swing as it entangled all of the monkeys, before making a three-point landing in front of the monkeys, whipping them up and over so they crashed in a pile all over the stage in front of her.

Quickly turning, Spider-Woman released a double blast of her electrical sting, blasting a hole in the side of the thorn bushes. Without the monkeys standing over them, most of the audience needed no second urging, and immediately began fleeing to escape the Brothers Grimm and his demented shows. Others, however, stayed either to watch the fight, tape it on their cell phones…or to leer and whistle at Spider-Woman, who ignored them as she faced the Brothers Grimm. The twisted showman slowly got to his feet and dusted himself off, looking around at his unconscious and battered creations, before fixing his gaze on Spider-Woman.

"Well, well…what have we here?" the Brothers Grimm mused, one hand on his hip as he conjured a walking stick-sized candy cane with another. "Are you a rival performer, intent upon upstaging me and depriving me of my audience?"

"Why did you kidnap these people?" she slowly asked, her voice firm and level, wary of setting this lunatic off.

"'Kidnap' is such a filthy word, my dear," the Brothers replied airily, as he looked at his nails. "I merely granted these people the opportunity of sampling my new material. In return for this privilege, I would of course be given some monetary compensation."

"We just want to entertain!" the Brothers continued in his 'Percy' voice.

"Oh, we'll certainly entertain, Percy," the Brothers continued once more in his 'Barton' voice, as he leapt into the air, conjuring a pie in his hand. "We'll be on YouTube before the day is out!" So saying, he flung the pie at Spider-Woman, who instinctively dodged it. As the pie struck the ground, it exploded, releasing a flock of squawking blackbirds that flew around her, striking from every angle and confusing her before she entangled them in her webbing. Looking around in alarm, she saw that the Brothers Grimm seemed to have disappeared…until the brightly colored Easter eggs struck her from behind, dropped by the laughing Brothers as he flew on a brightly colored five-pointed star.

Spider-Woman sprayed her webbing up at the star the Brothers rode, before striking him with a sting blast as he spun to avoid it. Knocking him off the star, Spider-Woman tagged it with another webline and pulled herself into the air, kicking the Brothers Grimm as he fell and snagging him with a web from her free hand, before landing again and slamming the Brothers down as she dropped to the ground. As the Brothers staggered to his feet, he grinned wickedly underneath his mask.

"Thanks," he leered. "I like it rough." He flicked his hands at Spider-Woman, the yo-yos in his fingers ringed with razor edges which barely missed the arachnid heroine. Entangling them in her webs, she threw them aside, suddenly leaving herself open to the jacks the Brothers Grimm scattered at her feet. Dazzled by the explosions that danced in front of her eyes, Spider-Woman was helpless to avoid the jack-in-the-boxes that the Brothers Grimm tossed next, which burst open and pummeled her with spiked boxing gloves.

As she knocked the boxes away with a sweeping kick, Spider-Woman leapt away and confronted the Brothers Grimm again. The next object he conjured, a bloated whoopee cushion, was struck by Spider-Woman's sting before he could throw it, staggering the Brothers Grimm with his own tear gas and driving him to his knees. Spider-Woman came in, blasting him again with her sting before she punched him once, twice, three times, finally kicking him back, where he crashed into the stage. Spider-Woman moved to web him up, but the Brothers Grimm quickly gestured, raising a wall of thick green beanstalks to block her webbing, before they flew forward to entangle her. She managed to tear herself free, but before she could react the Brothers conjured another hellish toy, a miniature oven which released a mass of sticky, adhesive dough that pinned Spider-Woman to the ground and left her briefly struggling.

Much to her own amazement, however, the dough soon slid off Spider-Woman, and she easily came back to her feet. Leaping over the next series of blinding jacks and closing her eyes to protect her vision, Spider-Woman caught the marbles the Brothers Grimm threw at her, tossing them off to the side as they exploded into flames.

"What's the matter, you don't like being tied up?" the Brothers Grimm asked, a frustrated scowl forming beneath his mask as he conjured another deadly yo-yo. "You seemed like the type who'd really enjoy a good whack on the-"

Livid, Spider-Woman released a double stream of her webbing, catching the Brothers Grimm across the mouth and eyes. As he struggled to tear the webbing off, Spider-Woman blasted him with her sting, before clearing the distance between them with a single leap. She began beating the Brothers Grimm mercilessly, punching him in the gut before slugging him across the face, throwing him back before pulling him again and driving her fist into his face. Groaning in pain, the Brothers Grimm tried to struggle, but was no match for Spider-Woman's superior strength and he soon fell unconscious.

Then, suddenly, the Brothers jerked back to life again, starting to cry and sob as he struggled in Spider-Woman's arms.

"Please…it hurts!" the Brothers Grimm pleaded in his childlike 'Percy' voice. "We surrender! I didn't want to fight you…it was all Barton's idea!"

Spider-Woman hesitated, before a scowl crossed her face and she belted the Brothers across the face once more. She recoiled her fist to strike yet again, before someone grabbed it from behind. Much to her astonishment, Spider-Woman saw Liz trying to hold her back.

"What are you doing?" she demanded harshly.

"He gave up!" Liz answered urgently. "You don't need to keep beating on him!"

"Please…stop…it hurts…" the Brothers Grimm mumbled in his 'Percy' voice.

Her hands starting to tremble, Spider-Woman removed the Brothers Grimm's mask, horrified at the livid black and blue bruises. A thrill of horror passed through her as she slowly set the Brothers down on the ground, webbing up his hands and feet. Around them, all the strange things the Brothers had conjured faded away and disappeared upon the collapse of their creator, his will no longer sustaining them.

Spider-Woman only looked at Liz briefly, before she leapt up and swung away, and soon disappeared.

"How are you doing?" Gwen asked Harry and Liz in concern, sitting in the Coffee Bean with her friends after they returned from being examined by the medical staff who had responded to arrest the Brothers Grimm and treat his victims.

"We'll live," Harry said, still pale and shaking.

"…What's the matter?" Gwen asked in pause.

"I…oh God!" Harry groaned, putting his head in his hands. "I just froze…I couldn't even run, I was so freaked out…"

Liz put her arms around him, hugging him sympathetically, as Gwen reached out and put his hand in hers.

"It'll be alright, Harry," Gwen reassured him. "They took away that lunatic…what was his name again?"

"The Brothers Grimm," Liz answered. "He had like a split personality or something; one of them was that twisted freak that called himself Barton, and the crying one was called Percy, I think."

"Sounds like a really sick freak," Gwen frowned. "You said it was that Spider-Woman person who took him out?"

"Yeah," Liz said. "Spider-Woman saved us, she saved everyone." Liz suddenly fell silent, a faraway look in her eyes.

"What's the matter?" Harry asked her.

"I'm thinking about that Spider-Woman person," Liz said after a moment's pause. "She seemed so…I don't know how to describe it…angry."

"A…angry?" Gwen started, barely managing to keep herself under control. "What do you mean, angry? And what would it matter if she was?"

"I mean the way she fought the Brothers Grimm," Liz replied. "The way she was throwing things around, the way she fired those energy blasts at him, and especially the way she beat on him at the end. She broke the Brothers Grimm's jaw, gave him a black eye, and she cracked most of his ribs on the left side when she punched him in the stomach."

"Wow," Harry said in amazement.

"She could really hurt someone if she goes off like that," Liz continued. "I just hope she doesn't…"

Gwen tried very, very hard to keep her temper, even as she began to clench the table.

"Excuse me?" she finally started. "It sounds like she saved your lives! And you're worried about how she beat up the guy that kidnapped and would have robbed you, if she hadn't stopped him?"

"Not just that, Gwen," Liz shook her head. "She just seems so…I don't know how to describe it, but she's just intense, angry. I don't know what she's dealing with, but-"

"But what?" Gwen spat, finally losing her temper. "She puts her life on the line to protect you, and you chew her out for beating up the criminal? What the hell, Liz?"

"It's not just that, Gwen," Liz protested. "When she was fighting that Blizzard guy last week, some of the people who were watching the fight said they nearly got hit with all the debris that went flying when she threw that car at Blizzard. She wasn't even paying any-"

"Well, come on," Gwen cut her off. "Why are they dumb enough to stand around and watch in the first place?"

"Gwen!" Harry snapped at her. "I couldn't move! You think I wasn't trying to run?"

"I…I didn't mean you…" Gwen stammered apologetically. "If you can't move, then…"

"That's exactly the point," Liz explained. "You never know who could get caught up in those kinds of situations-isn't the hero supposed to do something about that?"

"Oh, yes, I'm sure it's easy for them to keep track of every last little thing when they're not fighting for their lives against some crazed costumed maniac that's trying to kill them," Gwen retorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Yeah, I'm sure you know what it's like to fear for your life. You're always thinking clearly then," she said in disgust, getting up from the table, tossing down some money to pay for her drinks, and heading for the door.

"Gwen, wait!" Liz called out.

Gwen  just ignored her.

After completing her homework, Gwen did not feel like going webswinging that night. Returning to her dojo, she resumed practicing her martial arts exercises.

Why am I doing this? she wondered as she drove her fist through a thick wooden plank. Why the hell did I decide to put on a costume, of all things?

She knew that full well, of course; every time she heard George Stacy's name on the radio, she was reminded of why she had decided to do this.

Well then, she wondered as she repeatedly kicked and jabbed a makiwara, careful not to hit it too hard with her superhuman strength, why the hell did I have to be a mutant? And what the hell am I supposed to do with them, if I don't use them the way I do? It's not like I can use them to help Mom…Gwen realized, seething inwardly at the realization.

Her argument with Liz and Harry continued to play out in her head as she turned to working on a speed bag. They were right, on one level, she realized; she hadn't realized that other people had stayed to watch the fight with the Brothers Grimm, and they could have gotten seriously hurt.

So what am I supposed to do? she wondered ironically as she sparred with Mr. Tajiri, her long blonde hair tied into a ponytail behind her.

What can I do?

"You idiot!"

Percy Grimes snapped at his brother Barton within the mind and body they shared as the Brothers Grimm, who sat impassively as the police wagon took him to the Ravencroft Asylum for the Criminally Insane. "Why'd you have to go and provoke her?"

"Oh, come off it, Percy," Barton Grimes smirked at Percy. "I was just trying some new material for the act…does erotic humor really bother you that much?"

"She broke our damn ribs!" Percy shouted at him within their mind. "She could have killed us!"

"No, she couldn't," Barton rolled his eyes. "You know what Mom always said-"

"-when she wasn't as high as a kite?" Percy asked in disgust.

"Yes, when she wasn't as high as a kite," Barton agreed. "She said you always have to be willing to suffer for your art."

"I don't think this is what she meant," Percy spat in disgust. "We didn't even get paid!"

"Come now, I thought I said that today was just a rehearsal," Barton patiently reminded his brother. "I knew full well that we would encounter a superhero; I was recruiting new talent for the act. After all, what good would we be without a straight man…or this case a straight woman?"

"You mean…" Percy moaned.

"But of course," Barton smirked. "We've found the perfect comedy partner…Spider-Woman will be available for opening night, I assure you."

(Next Issue: Gwen Stacy finds herself caught between Marie-Ange Colbert and Felicia Hardy at school, and is once again faced with some unfortunate considerations in her conversations with her mother and her cousin Jill. As a result, Spider-Woman is plagued by doubt and confusion, but she has little time to dwell on it, as she is confronted by the raging human inferno known as Firebrand! All this and more in Spider-Woman #5: Burning Man!)