Anything dirty irritated her the most, she can’t stand them no matter how little it is and seeing herself that dirty, rough and messy got her surprised, pissed up and disappointed in herself. She wanted to forget him but was hating the fact that she had to fall into such a mess because of a man, her pride was hurt.
The fact that she had to wait for years beside him when she lost the chance to be his made her cover herself with regret. She didn’t give him the chance to love her because she thought he was not her league and he might be someone without any position and inheritances, she wouldn’t want to lose at both sides because her father might kick her out of the house if she insists of loving him whatever way he turns out to be.