I should not have let it happen.

Hi Cecil, it's crazy but I really like this name, that's how I think of you most times Cecil. I'm supposed to be writing something amazing for you or to you but I'm literally blank. My secret is I write awesome stories when I'm sad,its a good thing I'm not sad yeah!? I'm really channeling my thoughts into this you know, I started so many paragraphs which is funny cause I erased them all because it felt unreal like I was just blabbing. To be honest, I'm just writing what I'm thinking at the moment so we're going with the flow right!? There's just one prominent thing I wanted to say to you Cecil; I'm surviving literally. I believe they are three stages of life: living,surviving and dying, I started from backwards, everyone has a way life goes for them believe me it could even start from the middle but that's just life as it is.. One day we're living and the next day becomes a tradegy. I really would not want to bore you with my life stories but fuck it, I'm not even sure I should give this to you, you're just my therapist and it's a good thing you told me to write in these journals, well it's a good thing for me but bad for you cause I would never open up to you but today's not a good day to blow your mind out with my reason!

This was my response to Cecil when he said we should collaborate and write something together. It's funny cause I was pumped for that, finally I'd write something for someone, not just anyone him, I felt so elevated, someone peeked interest in my writing and so I waited so long for his reply and I expected him to shake his head and say no Baiyli you're actually dumb for thinking you could be a famous writer.. But no, he shook me up with his reply.

" Living, surviving and dying, I couldn't agree with you more black goddess. I was sitting out in the yard the other day, just pondering on these exact same phases whilst some red headed lizard nodded in alignment with me to the fact that these days are the last. Okay what am I posed to write next 😭. Look at me always feeling like a writer but I guess I'm just as blank a you!? Is it just me or this just feels like a couple high school kids trading feelings over letters!? Pay no mind. Cecil's your therapist right!? Suppose it was a night before the world ends you imagine you could finally "open up" to your therapist! These days I just stay flowing like the wind across flowers. I feel so lost with everything going on. I'm tryna keep my poise but fuck you and your condolences I guess.

Cecil's letter made my heart skip, no that's not the correct word, my heart raced, I've always admired how he took extra time to marvel over my skin, I love that he appreciates me in that way, his letter made my mind scattered, my blood pumped even faster than when I was about to cum, my soul seeked for his. My words could not do justice to his letter but I had to reply him, I had to push, I just wanted him to be as raw as the intestines gutted out of hunted animals.. So I sent my own letter, I bared my own feelings.

""Just got your letter Cecil, apparently someone sent my journal to you but I think it's my mum but it's alright because I didn't just put myself all out lol I never do. You're supposed to be my therapist but you think we're a couple of high school kids, is this your way of making me comfortable so I could bare all my feelings to you!? It's so hard to trust anyone these days Cecil. Is it advice to tell me to fuck myself and my condolences!? You shouldn't talk to me like that Cecil again is it just your way of saying I could be comfortable with you!?

I didn't think I'd have to address this issue in my journal, what if my mum sees this!? What if my mum asks me "Baiyli why didn't you tell me you've slept with your therapist "!? She'd obviously want you to lose your License not believing it was consensual. We can't do that again at least not anytime soon.. You can't protect me cause you can't even protect your own self. Or should I tell you to protect me from yourself!?

I'm sorry the only thoughts I'm thinking comes like questions but I'm more curious as to why you came back to me, talk to me, to know me because I'm pretty sure you knew when you saw my file, you would've rejected it but you didn't so here comes another question WHY ARE YOU HERE!? Cause I'm pretty sure it's more than the black skin, there's a million people with this skin and I'm sure you've met so many of them maybe even from little so stop giving me that bullshit about the rarities of a black skin..

Maybe I shouldn't have said those things!? Maybe I should have just being like a normal teenage girl, maybe I should have bring dumb like the first time, cause that's the last I heard from Cecil for a while, I hated myself cause that's the only thing I do perfectly asides pushing people away.