Dropping the Soap

Scratching his itchy shoulders, Malaria slowly tried to control the mosquitoes to not reside near his butt cheeks. He already did the mistake once, sat down and squashed a few dozen earlier in the day. His buttocks are still completely red as if he received the spanking of a lifetime, prickling and tickling like you wouldn't believe.

Looking around for an appliance that could work as a backscratcher, the closest thing he found was the toilet brush next to his compartmentalized toilet. Unable to stand it anymore, he grabbed it and started furiously scratching his back in delight.

In a few short moments, the Aburame elder from before barged into the police station fuming with kikaichū swarming around his body. Even if he couldn't do much to inspire Malaria, the least he could do was protect the brat from unjust treatment.

"Where's Malaria you red-eyed rodents?" The elder scanned the foyer, "If he's harmed in any capacity I'll make sure you will.." As he was speaking he found Malaria waving a shit-stick in his holding cell, smacking his back and sides in repeat while looking blissful.

"WHO DARES USE GENJUTSU ON A ABURAME CHILD!?" The elder roared in tremendous fury, sweeping his chakrabugs over every Uchiha police officer in the entire station. Confused over why they were covered with chakra consuming bugs and almost blacking out, they looked over to the holding cell.

Malaria who saw and heard the elder felt like it was a great opportunity to grab some higher attention and acted along, singing as if he's delirious.

"Eat with your ass, shit with your mouth, put it in a sock, wear it like a scarf!" he sang as he slapped himself with the toilet brush harder and faster. The elders face turned white, then purple and soon after it even turned green! The contours went from the looks of a ghost, into one of an eggplant until it turned to the mystical green of the Tenseigan chakra-mode.

Before Malaria could take it up another notch, the elder passed out. Just like that, all the chakrabugs returned to the elders body while the chakra-starved Uchiha wobbled over to figure out what just happened.

Looking at the passed out Aburame elder that had a face similar to the shinigami Minato used to seal the Kyubi, and watching the aburame kid singing about shit and piss they slowly pieced it all together.

Before long Uchiha Fugaku rushed over and asked his clansmen what just happened. 'Why, what, when, how, huuh?', was all he could think. Before long, he ordered the officers to throw Malaria out of the station while placing the Aburame elder under the shade of a tree a few streets away.

Finding himself crawling in the mud once again, Malaria sighed and finally took a moment to think about his situation. The suicidal tendencies are still deeply ingrained in his bones. Death by mosquito, ressurected in a body that suicided because of mosquitoes, to finally attempt to finish the job himself.

'I'm not sure if there's some sort of newbie-protection at work here, but it's harder to die than I thought', Malaria thought to himself while leaning on his elbows in the mud. Feeling itchy for about 8 hours straight somewhat killed his nerve response to the prickling sensation.

Suddenly a pair of visible toes in sandals stopped infront of his eyes as he was contemplating 'the ways of death' and 'the hundred knots of a noose'. Looking up he saw a tired looking white-haired man squatting down with slight concern between his brows.

"Young boy, why are you lying down infront of the police station?" Hatake Sakumo asked as he reached to lift Malaria to his feet. Before he could take hold of him, the kid jumped up in an instant.

"Don't touch me, I'm not into men." Malaria spat out as he realized who it was. This guy would get slandered to death by Danzo-'sama' sometime soon. Sakumo looked at the Aburame brat that spoke lines like an old codger. He couldn't help but chuckle as he stood back up.

"Well then, you're about the same age as my son but have already made a trip to jail and back." Looking over Malaria's dirty and somewhat smelly appearance, Sakumo couldn't help but twitch his nose. "You better go back home and take a bath, can't have you dropping soap around here right?" he snickered to himself.

Malaria was fuming with indignation. A mere side-character who's life is nothing but an emotional shackle for his own child. If he gets the chance in the future he'll make sure Kakashi would forever have a few mosquito bites perfectly out of reach for any sort of scratching.

"Hmpf. During war, a hero. During peacetime, the greatest villain! Go away and leave me alone." Malaria snorted and sped off towards the closest river. Even he himself felt he was somewhat smelly.

What he didn't realize was that his words completely shocked Sakumo out of his wits. Just recently he has been going on mission after mission, even though it's supposedly peacetime. He didn't even have the time to take proper care of Kakashi before his next mission was already tallied and prepared for him to do.

Sakumo started walking back home somewhat absentminded, connecting all kinds of dots from that simple sentence. He was perfectly aware that someone was targeting him from the shadows, but who and why?

—

Malaria quickly found a river running along the east side of the police station. Diving in he felt the ultimate bliss from the chilly water. It was as if he was wearing an untreated fur coat filled with feathers that any amount of scratching would amount to nothing in terms of relief. Finally some reprieve!

Some Uchiha children saw him swimming, diving and jumping like a dolphin in the river and couldn't help but laugh. An Aburame kid, someone who have bugs that can't stand water in their bodies, was swimming in the river? If there was a Konoha Book of Records just like Guiness, the Uchiha would add Malaria as a splendid new entry. 'The Swimming Bug'.

Malaria listened to the jeering children and couldn't help but do a double-take. 'Doesn't crustaceans technically count as insects? Could I become the first 'Crab King' or 'Shrimp Emperor'? Imagine that, I could conquer the seas and become the pirate king..' he thought to himself. 'Best of all, the mosquitoes are mostly dormant while I'm submerged in water for some reason. I must learn some water-jutsu asap!'

Figuring out a load of things and stupid ideas, Malaria realized the greatest master of water ninjutsu is none other than the second Hokage, Senju Tobirama. If he could learn all of his moves, wouldn't everything be easy peachy? Then again, he has been long dead and there's exactly three people around that properly know most of his techniques.

First off, the brainwashing Sarutobi Hiruzen, the professor 'that knows it all' when it comes to Ninjutsu. Problem is he's a wishy-washy indecisive old coot who runs the Konoha religion as its pope. Will of Fire this, Will of Fire that. Religion is a very useful tool, after all, it's difficult to dissuade someone who think they'll profit from dying 'for the village'.

Second up, Shimura Danzo the root commander who gave a new meaning to 'all roads lead to rome' with his signature 'all troubles in the world are related to me'. Danzo's adage probably runs the whole; 'Power does not corrupt, fear is what corrupts', so he murdered all his subordinates emotions while forgetting that; 'a fear of a loss of power' also fits right in behind his stacked bandages.

Third would be Orochimaru-niisan. If I had to bet, the only good choice (if I disgard the idea of turning off my senses from tHiS iTcH) would be to learn some techniques from Big Brother Snake. He knows what Hiruzen knows, while working on some extras on the backend. I might get hit by a number of curses, I might become a reincarnation offering, but.. I think my chances of living up to my own name will have the greatest payout with the handsome Mr. Snake.

Now comes the question, I'm almost a thousand percent certain the Root have reported my happenings on a note somewhere on Danzo's desk. I wonder if he'll show up himself, as I do remember he did try to grab Shino while Torune went and 'sacrificed' himself in his stead (I'm not at all jealousSsShit iT'S iTcHy).

Since I'm stuck in Kakashi's generation and Shino won't show up for atleast a good 15 years or something, I'll just heckle the Uchiha until Danzo gives me a pat on the back. Either that, or become genius enough for Mr. Snake to take a look during graduation. Planning planning…

As Malaria was flowing down stream in his thoughts, he didn't know that a certain Sakumo was pacing back and forth outside the Hokage's office with his nerves stretched taut.