Chapter Two

"So, do you affirm that you have a crush on Giovanni?" Erica asked curiosly. I had a sudden thought if I would answer her question.

I slapped my forehead for I know she will not end blabbering until I tell her. "Last night, I was thinking about it and all I could say is that I have a liking over him," I stated. She smiled amusingly while raising her eyebrows, and she started teasing me over it.

We walked past Kurt's house which is only a few blocks away from ours. With that in hand, there are times where he comes to our house, or we come to theirs.

We waited for him to come outside their house because among all of us, he is always the slowest to move. We waited for a few more minutes before he came out.

Kurt greets us and we all walked along to go to school. We're only a few meters away from school so we chose to walk instead of commuting.

I hurriedly walk ahead of them so that I could give myself time to think of the things I would do to avoid having an interaction with him. I hate to admit how fearful I am of this, but this is the only way I have thought so that I could, however, erase what I am currently feeling towards him.

Out of nowhere, I felt a hand gripping on my arms. I felt annoyed with it, only to find out it was Kurt's.

"So, you like him?" Kurt chatted. I ignored him and walked farther from him, almost six feet if estimated, there was he left with no choice but to come back at Erica who's lazily walking at the back.

Last night, I wasn't really able to calm myself because of all the thoughts that lingers in me. I was curious because it was the first time I felt such affection towards a person whom I just met for a while. Seriously, how would you explain for yourself a thing about love when you don't understand how it operates? I felt like a broken toy, trying to act like it's fixed.

"Hey guys!" Giovanni greeted. I wasn't able to notice because my mind was focused over last night. Erica and Kurt greets him back and they talked about something I didn't bother to know. I didn't even realize that we have reached 7/11 which would be the place where Giovanni lives.

If I like Giovanni, or if I have a crush on him, what would happen? I sighed and gazed over the road we're taking. I crossed on the other side, not minding that I have company who followed.

I felt a sudden pull from my arm and I glanced at it, it was Giovanni. He looks worried, "Why are you zoning-out?" I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. Why am I zoning-out?

He released my arm and called Erica to come beside me. Erica followed and she grasped her arms towards mine, "He was calling you earlier, and you snobbed him. Are you okay?"

I snobbed him? All I remember was that I don't hear anyone calling me. I tightened my grip on her arms, "I was thinking about him."

She howled and invited Kurt to come near us. Erica confessed what I said to him and they were both talking about something in a low voice, to low I couldn't understand. They were to focused on their topic that they didn't notice how far they were walking past me.

We arrived at school earlier than we expected. Giovanni rushed beside me, "You weren't talking to me."

I refused to look at him and walked faster, "I am not in the mood to talk about it. I am feeling sick."

I lied and rushed to my locker, leaving all of them at the entrance. I rotated the combination lock and took the books for my subject. Erica rushed towards me, "Why did you run? You left us there!"

I ignored her and locked my locker, I walked past her and went to my room. I am really not in the mood to talk to anyone, even with my step-sister.

I plugged my earphones on and listened to the song of Taylor Swift. It's only 8:20 in the morning and I am a quarter of a time advanced than our actual schedule. I know for a fact that Erica won't bother to follow me because she knew how to handle my sudden mood swings.

I envisage a sudden image of Giovanni in my mind. I tried to shake my head to erase the thought, but it remained in appearance. I don't want to think about him all the damn time. I would rather be delicate of his existence, but it doesn't go that way. The more I erase him, the more he remains.

I slumped my head over my desk, confused of what's happening on my mind. I didn't like how this is going right now, but the main problem might really be about my denial. I denied my feelings, I can't follow what my mom had adviced me.

"Are you doing good now?" someone asked in concern. I glanced at it and it was Kurt, he was eating a burrito, and a piece of cheese pizza on his other hand. He offered it to me before taking the spot beside me.

I accepted the food and ate it, "Where's Erica?"

He shrugged and ate the last half of his burrito. He asked for tissues so I opened my bag and searched for it, I gave him a bunch of tissues and let him finished wiping off his face.

"She's eating at the cafeteria, she's concern about you. What's the problem?" he quaked. I took the last bite of my pizza and wiped my fingers with the remaining tissue placed on the desk. I gulped, "I can't accept the fact that I have been crushing onto someone."

Kurt patted my shoulders, "I don't know what to say but I remember the first time I had a crush on some random guy, it was really confusing."

"What? Because you thought you were straight?" I blurted. He laughed, "Idiot. I was five when I first find out about my gender. I was confused that time because it's a strange feeling."

I leaned on my seat and stared at the window. "You're damn right, it's a strange feeling," I agreed.

"But you know, to remain a peace on your mind, you should accept that you have feelings for him," he adviced. I gazed at him in disagreement.

"No, I can't. It's bothering me because why the hell would I like someone whom I just met for a day? In a certain hour?" I objected. He shrugged and knelt his shoulder over the table.

"Well, do you believe in love at first sight?" he asked. I stared at him in an "Are you serious?" tone. "No, I don't even believe in love," I rejected.

"You're so bitter," he remarked. I bowed my head in agreement and glanced back at the window.

Maybe he's right, was that really love at first sight? I stared at his round, brown eyes for that moment. I doubted myself and turned back to Kurt, "Hey, what do you feel when you experience love at first sight?"

He hummed and tapped his gingers on the table, "Well? You feel butterflies?"

"That's strange," I mumbled. I stared at him for a moment, thinking about what I have felt when I first saw his eyes.

"I felt nothing..." I muttered. Kurt furrowed his eyebrows and scratched the cleft of his chin. "That's strange," he repeated.

I shrugged and closed my eyes, thinking about what I really felt on that moment—but i feel nothing. Maybe, it wasn't really love at first sight.

I felt Kurt stood because of the sudden movement of the chair. Maybe, he left me to take a moment for myself. Well, that's a right decision.

I unzipped my bag and searched for my notebook, took my pen and placed it on my desk. When all the things I need are completed, I begin to write a poem about what I am currently feeling right now.

"Why are feelings such a complex thing?

As difficult as searching for the right

size of a ring;

where you married and become committed, and stayed loyal for a lifetime—

yet didn't know when and where shall this feelings be felt on a timeline."

I sighed and closed my notebook, which is as exact as the time Erica had arrived. She sat beside me and offered a simple pat on the shoulders, before whispering to my ear that I must accept what I am feeling.

But seriously? How could you accept something that you don't even understand?

The bell rang and our Spanish teacher came. I prepared my books and listened to what he was teaching, just to forget the thought of Giovanni who still lingers in my mind. I did maintain focus towards the thing I am commited to do on that moment, but when silence comes, Giovanni appears.

He's like a disc who kept playing on and on. The class has ended and we went to our next class. I stayed quiet for a moment even they were initiating a conversation with me. I stayed like that until the last subject where I have no more choices but to do my best on socializing with the club members, especially with Giovanni.

It's 3:00 PM and my friends bid each other goodbye before proceeding to our designated clubrooms. I climbed thirdfloor and entered our room. Patch was the only person there and she was reading a book. I did my best to remaim quiet with my steps, only to bump my toe on a chair. It moved and screeched on the floor.

I immediately said sorry and ran towards her before taking the spot beside her. She maintained her stare towards mine which made me felt uncomfortable. I looked back and heard her sighed heavily.

"Are you afraid of me?" she asked. I gazed at her and shaked my head in disagreement.

She shrugged and continued on reading the book on her desk. I remained silent and waited for the other members to come.

Upon waiting for quite long, someone knocked at the door. Patch invited them to come in and it was Shine, and along with the other members. They were talking about something I couldn't understand.

Shine went to my seat and took the spot. She beamed a smile at me, "You've been early, excited much?"

I nodded and smiled back. "What are we going to do today?" I asked. She looked at a notebook, perhaps a planner for our daily activities before glancing towards me.

"We're going to have a sharing conversation today, just talking about our favorite books, and such," she replied.

I gave her a thumbs up sign and she nodded. There are two more people we've been waiting to come: Our leader, Martini; and Giovanni.

I stood and went at the back of the room to return the book Lhyl gave me yesterday, I wasn't able to finish reading it because of the thoughts that kept on lingering throughout the whole night.

This is one of the reasons why I hated love, its making you change on something that you are not. It has been the first time I lose interest towards reading; and that's all because of him.

I came back to my spot and sat between Patch and Shine. Giovanni came in, along with our leader and they were talking about something.

Martini went in front and Giovanni sat behind Lhyl. Lhyl greeted him but he only replied with a small smile. After sitting down, he immediately stared ar me and winked—which surprised me and so I looked back.

What is he doing? That's weird. I remained focus at what Martini is talking about so I won't look behind my back where Giovanni is sitting.

Martini took a marker and started scribbling words on the board. He had written: "I am a writer."

"Today, we're sharing each other a certain event in our lives where we have concluded that we consider ourselves a writer," he discussed. Everyone cheered in excitement and so Martini started to announce who will go first and so on. I was the last to speak.

The sharing had started with a member whom I am not familiar with, told that he had seen himself being one of the greatest author in the city. While the other said that he's only writing for himself, like it's his diary.

Few more members had shared their stories until it came to Giovanni. He stood and started sharing his story.

"I started writing when I was eleven. A friend motivated me to write a poem about him, I did and it was the most beautiful poetry I have ever read since that time," he confessed.

He sighed heavily, "It became a hobby and I had always made her poems to motivate her, and to enhance my skills. But, slowly became a passion..."

"...especially when she died and she told me to promise, that I would be a good author, being able to publish such great books," he added.

He gazed at me and to all the members before giving a hint of sadness on his smile. He went to his spot and the room became silent for a while. Martini faked a cough and called Lhyl to tell his story, which I would come next.

As corny as it may be, I felt moved from his story that I zoned-out... again, thinking about his friend who was the entire inspiration of why he became passionate in writing.

I glanced at him and saw Shine patting his shoulder. Giovanni offered a shy smile and started talking to her. I moved my gaze and saw Patch silently staring at me. I felt uncomfortable and turned my back towards her, and did my best to focus at Lhyl's storytelling.

However, there is a part of me who began asking why he entertained Shine the way he entertained me. As if I felt something hurtful, which is strange, because I've never been offended when a friend entertained someone else. Am I being jealous? Why?

"Patricia, it's your turn," Lhyl whispered as he tapped my cheeks. "You were zoning-out, are you okay?" he added.

I nodded and stood, ignoring his question. I went in front and the attention was focused at my presence. Out of nowhere, I felt a sudden urge to scratch my hand, as if I was feeling nervous. I've never been nervous before!

"I..." I stuttered. I glanced at Giovanni and saw his eyes fixed at mine.My eyes widened and so I bowed my head down.

"Don't feel nervous, just speak," Martini adviced. I glanced at him and smiled. I heaved a sigh and wiped my hands which has become sweaty.

"I started writing because of Erica, who have been a friend, and a good step-sister to me. Writing is only a hobby for me and I have never seen myself, publishing a book or anything," I confessed.

"Most of my piece are written with the theme of anger and dissapointment towards life, because I am mad at everything," I added.

"True!" someone interrupted. The room was filled with laughter, and it was Giovanni who said that. He winked at me for the second time, and I felt my heart beats faster. "Continue," Martini hinted.

"I want to write because this is my way to confess what I feel, and to exert out everything that I feel. I write for myself, and not a moment did I write for someone," I answered. "The end," I mumbled.

I glanced at Giovanni and saw his smile, it made my heart beats twice faster than it was before, like a drum beat in a festival. I bowed my head down and went to my spot, sat there and wiped the sweat off my hand for the other time.

Martini congratulated everyone and announced another activity for tomorrow, then, he dismissed the club meeting. I stood and slinged my bag on my shoulder.

I rushed outside so I could avoid Giovanni from following me. I immediately went downstair as I mumbled farewell to the other members who greeted back.

When I reached the ground floor, I saw Erica and Kurt sitting at one of the benches having a chit-chat. I came near them so I could persuade them to go home without waiting for Giovanni.

"Guys, my stomach is aching, can we go home now?" I lied. Erica raised an eyebrow.

"What? Let's go! Giovanni's not coming!" I barked. Kurt then raised his eyebrows and pointed something at my back. I looked back and saw Giovanni standing in front of me. He reached us already, that far?

"Who's not coming!?" he fumed. My eyes widened and I felt startled, I couldn't even think of a word to speak.

"I... Err," I stammered. He raised an eyebrow. I really don't know what to say, I felt nervous. I saw Erica stood and moved towards me.

"Let's go home," she commanded. Giovanni rolled his eyes and came with Kurt. Erica stared at me, "You knew you should accept that you like him."

"I want to, but I don't understand," I confessed. She patted my shoulders before inviting me to come home.

We walked along Kurt, and Giovanni as the bell rang, signalling us to come home. It was quiet because I did my best to avoid having a conversation with Giovanni.

Kurt and Erica tried to socialize with him so that he won't be able to talk to me; until Giovanni reached his place, he wasn't able to talk to me. I bid him goodbye and that's the only thing I've said towards him the whole day.

When he greeted back, I felt a sudden tingle in my stomach. I was flustered and Erica teased me because I blushed.

We arrived home and I immediately went to my room to change my clothes. I took my shirt and went at the bathroom to shower for a bit. After, I came back to my room and Erica was laying down at my bed. I wiped my hair and used the blower.

"Why were you zoning-out the whole day?" she asked curiosly.

I stopped what I was doing and glanced at her, "I also don't understand. All I know is that I feel nervous when he's around. I am aware that I may have liked him, but I don't understand why I had liked him."

She stood and hugged me, "Sometimes, the questions we ask don't have a specific answer, especially when you are asking about love—because love is a complex thing, and a complex question like this, has a significant answer we don't understand, but we know, it exists."

I have slowly understood what she is talking about. I smiled at her to show assurance that tomorrow won't be the same like today. Yes, I won't allow it to become the same as it is today.

She left my room so I could take a rest for a while. I layed on my bed and thought of my feelings, she's right. Sometimes, there are questions which has an existing answer that is not easy to understand—like love. Maybe, accepting the fact that I like Giovanni because it was what my heart felt, would bring peace to my entire mind.

Oh, that guy, what did he do to me?